Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Battlemaster Tracinya Beviin Entar

Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Mandalorian
vs.

Battlemaster Tracinya Beviin Entar

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Marauder, Mandalorian
Comment

General Comments

Overall, this battle could best be described as a solid foundation. Both writers have a clear understanding of how to write action-packed fight scenes, though some of that action leaned too heavily on Rule of Cool and strayed beyond the bounds of believability. There were also clear signs that each writer was aiming to bring dramatic tension into their posts via the characters' emotions, though they each went about it in different ways. The more effective use of that emotional content to keep the reader engaged in the story was the deciding factor in this battle.

Congrats to Tracinya Beviin Entar on a (very narrow) win!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight, Battlemaster Tracinya Beviin Entar
Winner Battlemaster Tracinya Beviin Entar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Tracinya Beviin Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 6 April, 2021 4:56 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama
Syntax - 15%
Warlord Tracinya Beviin Entar High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: A number of Syntax issues across both of your posts. See post comments for details. Tracinya gets advantage for having fewer errors overall. Rationale: A number of Syntax issues across both of your posts. See post comments for details.
Story - 40%
Warlord Tracinya Beviin Entar High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: A solidly-written story throughout the battle. Tracinya gets advantage for doing a better job of maintaining dramatic tension throughout the story. Rationale: A strong opening and solidly-written story throughout the battle, but your second post tripped you up.
Realism - 25%
Warlord Tracinya Beviin Entar High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: One major detractor in your second post and multiple detractors over the course of your posts. See comments for details. Rationale: Multiple minor detractors over the course of your posts. See comments for details.
Continuity - 20%
Warlord Tracinya Beviin Entar High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Well done! Rationale: No issues. Well done!
Warlord Tracinya Beviin Entar's Score: 3.42 High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 3.4
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumored to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Lightning split the sky asunder as thunder roared for miles around. To Tracinya, it was a miracle she could hear herself work. The ruins of the Dromund Kaas temple were exactly that. Ruins. Parts of the ceiling lay collapsed across the temple hall. What once stood as a mighty symbol of the Sith lay in tatters in mounds of dust, rubble and split tiles. The beasts that prowled outside were wise to leave her alone. The Sith Mandalorian frantically searched for something, anything that could help prove herself to the Taldryan summit. Although, right now, the teenager felt like she could plunge her lightsaber through the first thing that sparked her ire.

The young girl was only seventeen years old, damn it all. Yet, right from birth, her destiny was laid out for her in front of her eyes. She was Force-sensitive, just like her father. She was a Sith, just like her father. She was Mandalorian, just like her father. The list went on and on.

It felt like she had no control over her own life. Her superiors in Taldryan watched over her every move like hawks and ordered her around like a common minion. Tracinya, go do this, or, Tracinya, be a dear and go do that. It made her stomach churn and almost triggered a gag reflex at the thought. She deserved respect for her skills. She was a Battlemaster for frakk’s sake! Damn them all to kriffing hell! She was better than her father and she was going to prove it!

That's why the Sith Mandalorian was here in an old—supposedly haunted—temple, clawing through pile after pile of dust and debris. The only company she had was the old, half-broken Sith sculpture that stood staring at her. The young Mandalorian had no idea how long she'd been searching for. It was certainly long enough to rip holes into her gloves and dirty her fingers. Her helmet was tossed to the side shortly after the young girl arrived, deciding she wouldn't need to keep it on whilst she searched.

That's when she felt a presence in the Force that was so familiar to her. She scowled as her head snapped to the temple entrance.

"The frakk are you doing here, Appius!?" Tracinya seethed and raised her voice.

A man in bright-red Mandalorian armor entered the temple hallway. Appius himself was tall, and his chest plate held golden lightning bolts upon the chest plate.

"Oh, you know. I heard you were in the neighborhood and thought I'd come check out the sights. I have to say, Tracinya. You have terrible tastes in holiday destinations," the older Human retorted. The sarcasm was not lost on Tracinya, and the young girl's eyes hardened. Appius felt the girl's anger rise within her and let out a deep sigh.

"Ok, ok. Look, you weren't answering your communicator and I wanted to check on you," Appius answered honestly as he raised his hands defensively.

"That doesn't explain how you found me," the young Sith retorted.

"Your ship has a tracking beacon on it."

Tracinya's eyes widened. The smaller Mandalorian didn't know if she should’ve been flattered or insulted that the Ektrosis Quaestor was keeping an eye on her like this.

"Why the hell did you do that!?" Tracinya protested.

"Would you have let me do it if I offered it?" Appius asked.

"Frakk no!" the Sith protested.

"Well, there's your answer!" the Quaestor responded. "After Kalon disappeared, I took the liberty of fitting each member's ships with one just in case this happened again. You, young lady…"

Appius pointed to her with a single finger from his right hand.

"Have not been answering your communicator. You had me worried."

"I'm fine," the younger Mandalorian growled in response.

"Are you? I'm not convinced. What in all of Manda are you doing here anyway?"

"It's none of your damn business!" the young girl snapped back at her fellow Taldryanite. Her pupils dilated as she gritted her teeth.

"It is my damn business, because it concerns a member of my House and someone I care for," the red-clad Mandalorian scolded. "Now, stop acting like a massive child, and come back with me to Ostara. We can work this out and…"

"No."

The Ektrosis Quaestor bit his lip at the young girl's defiance. Appius was used to Tracinya's rebellious streak. Hell, the Mandalorian Sith liked to make it a daily ritual of trying to make the older Human pull his hair out. Though today, it appeared she was really on one.

"Fight me."

The seventeen-year old's sudden request, however, did perturb the Juggernaut. Lightning boomed and roared above as Appius struggled to form an answer. Despite his shock, the Mandalorian Force Disciple swallowed the lump in his throat and steeled himself.

"No. I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, Tracinya. But I'm not fighting you," Appius scolded. Tracinya quickly rose to her feet and scowled at the Juggernaut.

"Then I invoke the code to seek justice in single combat!" the young Sith declared. "If you win, I'll come along and obey. No questions asked. If I win, then you must step down as Quaestor," The moment the words left Tracinya's mouth, the male Human's heart plunged into his gut.

"Are you insane!?" Appius yelled back. "What the hell is wrong with you, invoking the code on me like that!? I don't want to fight you Tracinya. I came here because I was worried about you, you kriffing little sithspit!"

"If you refuse, you lose your honour and become dar'manda,” the Marauder commented as a sadistic smirk graced her face. "Then again, you already were once, weren't you? I can't imagine it would be too hard for a coward like you to do it again."

The tension was palpable, emphasized by the low rumbling outside. As Tracinya tapped into the Force, she could sense the heat rising from within Appius.

"Fine," Appius said lowly as he extended his right hand. Ner Ara left his waist and floated direct into his palm. "Though just remember, you asked for th-"

Appius didn't finish his sentence before the Force alarmed him on incoming danger. The Juggernaut readied himself for whatever Tracinya was about to throw at him. However, the young Sith stretched out with the Force, compelling it to do her bidding as Appius felt his airways tighten. The taller Mandalorian was forced onto his tiptoes and Tracinya was straining herself as she maintained her hold over him. Appius gasped for air and clutched at his throat. The Ektrosis Quaestor felt a ringing vibration in his ears as his vision began to fade in and out of a haze.

"Really? Is that it? You don't deserve to be Quaestor!" Tracinya rebuked, somewhat disappointed by the lack of fight from the newly-minted Juggernaut.

That was when the older Mandalorian Force user summoned the power of the Force within him. A powerful shockwave pulsed out of him and broke the Marauder's grasp over the other Taldryanite. Appius dropped to one knee and sputtered behind his visor. The first breath of air he took filled his body with the sustenance it so desperately craved as his senses returned to him.

Snap-Hiss!

The Juggernaut barely had time to react before Tracinya launched herself at him with reckless abandon. The Sith's footsteps tapped across broken tiles along the floor as Appius activated his jetpack. Flames spewed out of the thrusters and propelled him over the Marauder as she slashed horizontally in a haphazard fashion with her crimson-bladed lightsaber. The Ektrosis Quaestor landed a few feet behind her, left arm outstretched as electricity jutted between his fingertips.

Tracinya spun and felt the warning from the Force moments before Appius shot the tendrils of dark energy towards her. The Battlemaster raised her lightsaber in front of her to absorb the attack as it crackled and dissipated into her blade.

"So much for Zappius! Is that the best you can do?" Tracinya commented confidently.

"I'm just getting warmed up, and believe me..." Appius retorted and pressed the ignition switch on his saberstaff. Twin emerald blades ruptured out of both sides of the hilt. "You've done nothing to impress me so far."

The Mandalorian Juggernaut raised his saber in a one-handed grip and left his dominant foot forward. His spare arm was raised in a challenge, and he dared Tracinya to attack him.

Who was the Sith to refuse such an invitation? The Marauder timed her step with the roar of the thunder above before launching herself at Appius once again. The dark side coursed through her body and increased her speed with each step Kalon's daughter took. Red clashed against green and sparked together in a vicious collision. Tracinya, knowing full well that she couldn't overpower the Juggernaut with brute strength, decided to focus on speed instead.

There was no discernable pattern to her movements, though they appeared casual and hardly complex. Despite this, it kept Appius on his toes as he almost failed to spot the particular patterns in her strikes.

Almost.

Niman, eh? Appius mused. The Juggernaut was the one that taught it to her and it was indeed ironic that Tracinya would use it against him now.

"You know something? You and Kalon have something in common," the Quaestor said as he instinctively parried a strike aimed at his visor. Appius then flicked his wrists to parry the follow-up strikes with the other side of his saberstaff.

"And what's that!?" Tracinya seethed as she gritted her teeth, lunging and slashing at the Juggernaut. The Sith's heart thundered in her ears as her breathing hardened. Eventually, both combatants' sabers locked together.

"You both can't fight worth kark. Like father, like daughter, I suppose."

If there was one thing that got under Tracinya's skin like a bad rash, it was insults directed at her and her father.

The Sith roared viciously and swung a flitting strike at Appius, who deflected the tip of the blade away from him with his own. This, however, was what Tracinya hoped for. Following through with her momentum she thrust forward an open palm and channelled the dark side through her.

The Juggernaut recognised instantly what she was up to.

"Sithspit!" Appius exclaimed as he immediately dug his feet into the ground. He summoned the Force within him, hardening his body like one of the statues that littered the ruined Dromund Kaas hall. Dust, debris and broken tiles flew behind the male Taldryanite as he held firm against the strong torrent of wind that Tracinya summoned. After a few seconds, the Sith stopped, and Appius remained where he stood.

"Well, Tracinya," Appius said, breathing intensely. "The pushing slash didn't work. Now what are you going to do?"

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 April, 2021 9:04 PM UTC

What Went Well

All in all, your characterisation was the strongest feature of your post. As usual, you got the battle off to a strong start by setting the emotional stakes, to give the reader something with which to engage. The character interaction was full of conflict (both in Tracinya griping about how Taldryan treated her and the argument with Appius) well before the fighting started, and using their shared Mandalorian background as part of the catalyst for the fight was a nice touch. When the fighting actually began, your combat struck a nice balance between providing the reader with vivid images and keeping the post moving.

On the a Syntax note, it looks like you have far fewer issues with sentence structure in this post than you’ve had in previous battles. Well done! The work you’ve been putting into that is paying off.

Room for Growth

Syntax-wise, there were a couple of spots where your word choice was awkward or incorrect. You said that the Force "alarmed" Appius, when it would've been more appropriate to say it "warned" or "alerted" him (which caused him to feel "alarmed"). You also said that "lightning jutted between Appius' fingertips", but "jutted" is another word for "extended". (I suppose you could've said that the electricity jutted out from between Appius' fingers, although it'd be unusual for that to happen as opposed to it just emerging from his fingertips.)

I also noticed that you threw extra paragraph breaks into your post when they weren’t really necessary. Normally, paragraph breaks are supposed to show when the speaker changes in dialogue, or more rarely, to either emphasise a particular line or break up paragraphs that would otherwise be unnecessarily long. For example, the line about Tracinya’s reaction to her father being insulted isn’t so important to the plot of the post that it needs its own paragraph for emphasis.

The next issue in this post was that Appius had improbably easy time holding Tracinya at bay. Despite their roughly equal skills, Appius never really seems to be at risk in this post; he gets away from Tracinya without a scratch despite her trying to catch him off-guard, breaks her Force Choke pretty much instantly with Disjunction, and doesn’t seem to need to put much effort into deflecting her lightsaber attacks. That could cause issues in both Story (where the ease with which Appius defends himself drains the tension out of the fight) and Realism (in how plausible it is for events to be skewed in one character’s favour), but for the sake of not penalising you twice for the same thing, I’ve marked it down as a Realism detractor.

You had another Realism issue that put you in a catch-22. The first was your description of Tracinya’s Force… Windstorm? I like the imagery in how you wrote it, but as far as I’m aware, we’ve never seen a Force Push manifest as a gale-force gust of wind that rips stone tiles out of the ground (except possibly in some video games, which aren’t taken as canon in the DB). On the flip side, taking the Force Windstorm at face value raises a different issue: your use of Iron Skin, which lets the user “momentarily” brace themselves against being knocked back. There’s nothing in Iron Skin’s wording that suggests it can let someone root themselves in place for an extended period, but Appius clearly uses that power to brace against an attack that lasts for “several seconds”.

Lastly, be careful about your phrasing of Iron Skin. Despite the name, the power doesn’t actually harden the user’s skin to make them more resistant to injury; it just allows them to brace against being knocked down. Since Appius didn’t seem to be using the power to actually resist injury, I didn’t mark it as a detractor, but you’ll want to keep that in mind for the future if you continue writing Appius as a Juggernaut.

Suggestions

Keep working on your sentence structure; the effort you’ve put into it so far is showing, and I have confidence that you’ll continue to improve if you keep putting the effort in. Shift the balance of your Force power descriptions a bit further toward Realism instead of Rule of Cool. If the characters are in a situation that would pose a challenge to them, write the details in a way that shows that they’re being challenged, instead of glossing over it and letting the reader think everything’s easy-peasy.

“Just wait old man! I still have a few tricks up my sleeve!” Tracinya fumed through clenched teeth. Her words saturated with a malicious tone that Appius had grown increasingly accustomed to were delayed between ragged breathing that caused her nostrils to flare every time she exhaled sharply.

“That remains to be seen…” The Juggernaut casually replied. He shrugged his shoulders, the faint tracing of a smirk etched on his face. “…and if I’m being brutally honest, it’s been a pretty poor performance from you so far. I’m disappointed.”

The young Marauder glared at the man with evident contempt, she knew well that his words were meant to goad her into doing something irrational, it only served to further irk the girl to know that it was slowly starting to work.

Beads of sweat had formulated on her brow, both from the fighting and the humidity of the surrounding environment. The Sith had been surprised by the dense foliage when she had first stepped onto Dromund Kaas, it gave her the impression of a thousand forgotten ghosts constantly watching her.

The interior of the temple did little to soothe her anxiety, and the temperature was seemingly constant. The discomforting sensation was starting to get under her skin, evident as she clutched the sleek, black hilt of her weapon even tighter.

“Who do you think you are, shabuir?!” Tracinya spat, her arms beginning to tremble from her barely suppressed rage. “You act like you’re my father, but you’re not him! Not by a long shot!"

Tracinya could still feel the pain of Kalon's absence like salt pouring onto an open wound. There was little doubt that Appius could sense the conflict within the younger Mandalorian, but all it did was serve to irate her further.

The Sith took a defiant step forward, pointing her lightsaber accusingly at Appius as she reached her boiling point.

“You’re a nobody!”

Before the older Mandalorian could even formulate a reply Tracinya had lurched forward, closing the gap between the two warriors in what seemed like no time.

She watched Appius tense up when her boot slammed against the ancient masonry beneath them, coming to an abrupt halt before the girl took a swing at the Quaestor with her lightsaber.

His reactions were equally as quick, parrying her attack with one of Ner Ara’s emerald-tinted blades. Sparks flew in almost every direction as the weapon’s locked together.

The sight used to remind Tracinya of the meteoroid showers that would streak across Mandalore’s atmosphere in her younger days. Though it had barely entered her thoughts before the Savant managed to break the hold with his saberstaff by attempting to uppercut her with the lower blade, using the weapon’s length to his advantage.

This was the moment the young Taldryanite had been waiting for.

Tracinya took her saber in both hands and held it vertically, stepping to the side and bringing the weapon down on her opponent’s blade.

The Sith twisted her body as they clashed together, exposing her side towards the man. With a hateful cry, the Battlemaster shoulder-barged into the notably larger Mandalorian, the beskar plates colliding with a loud crash.

The Marauder watched with a spike of elation as his stance momentarily faltered. Pressing on with her attack, the Sith pivoted on her heel and delivered a swift but powerful kick to the Savant’s chest plate.

Appius knew Tracinya well. Especially, he knew how reckless the girl could be when her anger got the better of her. This was no exception. Instead of falling back on his ass like Tracinya had expected, the crimson-clad warrior quickly recovered from her assault and was ready with a prompt response.

“How’d you like-” Tracinya started to blurt out triumphantly before Appius’ gauntleted fist connected with her nose. The force of the punch knocked the significantly smaller female off her feet and onto her back with a heavy thud.

Her lightsaber flung from her hand and bounced across the paved ground with a metallic clatter. When the Battlemaster opened her eyes, she could make out the temple’s foreboding architecture in the darkness, it loomed over the two Mandalorians as if it was somehow taking interest in the battle raging below.

Without a delay, Tracinya’s hand slid deftly to the rifle she had previously kept tucked beneath her poncho. She brought the weapon to bear on the advancing Mandalorian and squeezed off several rounds in his direction. The few that found their mark were effortlessly cast aside with a flick of his wrist. The girl knew it wouldn’t stop him, not by any means, but it would hopefully slow him down and give her enough time to get back up.

Blood gushed from her nostrils when she lifted her body from the cold floor. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand, her eyes still trained on Appius. She was admittedly a little startled, the Juggernaut had never hit her like that before.

His eyes seemed colder than usual and his brow was furrowed. The Marauder couldn’t make sense of what he was thinking but it more than likely wasn’t good. The message was clear though, if Appius wanted to play it like that then she was more than happy to oblige.

“You call that a punch?!” The Sith scolded, blood dripping from her chin and onto the soft fabric of her jumpsuit. She reached out with an open hand and retrieved her lightsaber, reactivating it with a satisfying flick of the activation switch. “So much for the mighty ‘Mandaboo’!”

“I’m not the one covered in blood right now.” The older Mandalorian rebuked sternly, lifting his blade up as the girl once more hurled herself towards him.

Tracinya immediately forced Appius onto the defensive with a series of sharply angled attacks, each time slashing her saber in a wide arc and using the momentum to carry the next move. The Savant fluently swiped his saber from one side to the other to deflect her blows before following it up with a thrust toward the Sith’s chest.

The two Mandalorians continued to trade blows, going back and forth around the vast chamber like participants in some strange dance. Tracinya stretched out her offhand and cast forth a blinding torrent of Force Lightning toward Appius, but the Juggernaut raised his saberstaff and absorbed the viscous tendrils with the weapon held aloft.

He responded by using his telekinesis to lift a large piece of debris from the ground nearby and send it hurtling in the Marauder’s direction. Tracinya managed to slice the object neatly in two with her weapon, the severed pieces passing harmlessly to either side and decimating a statue built against one of the boundary walls.

“It looks like all the time you’ve been spending with that blue-skinned utreekov is starting to make you soft!” The Battlemaster growled, keeping her saber positioned in a downward angle whilst she circled Appius warily. “You’ll need to do more than just block my attacks and throw stones at me.”

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 April, 2021 9:04 PM UTC

What Went Well

I liked how you took the emotional hook that Appius set and ran with it. Tracinya’s anger at the whole situation is clear and compelling, and the little personal digs (like the shot at Ankira) feel like exactly the kinds of insults that a rebellious teenager would throw at an adoptive parent out of spite. Your descriptions of the combat were vivid and exciting. I particularly liked how you wrote Tracinya getting punched in the face, both in your descriptions of the injuries themselves and how you worked her emotional reaction into the description.

Room for Growth

First, don’t panic at how long this section is. Most of your post was solid. This section is only this long because the things that got points taken away from you take a lot of explanation, especially if you don’t fight ACC battles very often.

You had a few Syntax problems in your posts. The one that stood out to me the most was that you have a bad habit of capitalising the first word of a dialogue tag (the part of a sentence with “said” or a different dialogue verb) instead of leaving it lowercase. Dialogue tags are considered part of the same sentence as the dialogue even if they come after a question or exclamation mark, so most of the time, you don’t need to capitalise them. For example:

“You call that a punch?!” the Sith scolded...

“I’m not the one covered in blood right now.” the older Mandalorian rebuked sternly…

The next set of Syntax issues involves sentence structure, whether in the form of run-on sentences or sentence fragments. Unrelated statements should be written as separate sentences. Related statements, if they need to be separated, should be written with either a comma and a conjunction (like “and”, “or”, “but”, etc.), or set off with a semicolon or dash. For example:

The Sith had been surprised by the dense foliage when she had first stepped onto Dromund Kaas, it gave her the impression of a thousand forgotten ghosts constantly watching her.

The comma between those two sentences should either have an “and” after it, or be replaced with a semicolon, dash, or period.

On the Realism front, you had a few issues. The first was that you wrote Tracinya as being able to pretty much keep pace with Appius for the whole post, despite Appius’ Stamina being a couple of points higher than hers. Without nitpicking over the point values, it doesn’t seem realistic to me that two characters with significantly different Stamina ratings would have the same level of endurance. The ACC Rubric calls that “inconsistent with their level as described in the CS Guide”, so I marked it as a Realism detractor.

Second, Appius punched Tracinya in the face hard enough to lift her off her feet, with a heavy metal gauntlet rather than a relatively soft fist, while not wearing a helmet. That kind of impact should probably have done more than just break her nose, and the injuries she’s likely to suffer from a blow like that (like a concussion that left her dizzy or outright knocked her out) would’ve made a difference in how the story unfolded. The unlikelihood of Tracinya absorbing that blow as well as she did, with no reference to how she reduced its effects (either by partly dodging or blocking it before it landed, or healing it after the fact if she has the Force powers for that) was cause for a second Realism detractor.

The last Realism issue in this post is that Tracinya got punched in the face despite having the Precognition power at +3, which the CS Guide says allows her to “perceive danger several heartbeats in advance and, if able, can not only avoid harm but start to formulate a plan of action to avoid further harm from follow up attacks.” Although the Precognition power isn’t meant to be a blanket “get-out-of-injury-free card”, and having the main characters actually get hit makes fight scenes more interesting (which contributed to your Story score), I didn’t see anything in your post that explains why Tracinya wouldn’t sense and respond to a fairly straightforward blow.

Suggestions

Watch the capitalisation on your dialogue tags. Work on your sentence structure (I can provide resources for that if you need them). As far as Realism goes, if you want to write something that stretches the bounds of belief, include an explanation for why it happened the way it did.

Appius could handle insults thrown at him. In fact, it was a daily occurrence. Everything from being called an abomination by the Collective, to a Mandaboo by members of Clan Taldryan. The Mandalorian Force Disciple was used to it. Hell, some could say he took it in his stride. However, if there was one thing he could not, and would not accept, it was someone insulting the woman he loved more than anything.

If the mini-Mandaboo wanted a fight so badly, then the Savant was more than happy to deliver.

The Juggernaut's anger began to rise within him like a furious storm. The Quaestor raised his right arm and Tracinya braced herself for whatever trick Appius was about to pull.

Unfortunately, the Force Disciple's target wasn't Tracinya herself, but rather the silhouette of the Sith statue that loomed above her. The Savant wrapped the Force around it like a tight rope and pulled it free from what remained of its supports.

The Force rang through Tracinya's subconscious and the bloodied Marauder spun to face the incoming threat. Her eyes widened as panic quickened her heart. She released her grip of her lightsaber and raised both her hands.

What resulted was an intense tug-of-war between Tracinya and Appius with the Sith statue. Both Mandalorians tensed and initially struggled to gain an inch against the other, though the throbbing in Tracinya's nose pressured the young girl as she felt her control of the Force waver.

As Tracinya felt this, she pushed the statue to the side instead of away from her and let it crash into the broken tile below. Whether it was a result of the statue's age or the velocity of which it hit the floor, the statue crumbled as dust and debris sputtered into the air after the impact.

"Ha! Nice try! You'll have to do better than tha-"

The teenager was cut short when the Force screamed at her again, the roaring of a jetpack filled her ears as Appius landed directly behind her, his emerald blades spun as Tracinya summoned her lightsaber back into her hand. Again, green clashed with crimson among the polluted, dust-filled air. Sparks danced and clashed against one another as Tracinya retaliated against Appius' sudden attempt at defeating her.

Haar'chak! The Sith thought. The Quaestor was clever. He'd used the environment to his advantage and caught her off-guard. but this act just made Tracinya all the more furious, though the young woman was slowing down. What at one point were quick, haphazard and unpredictable strikes had become drawn out, slow, and predictable. Tracinya gasped for breath with each strike as Appius effortlessly parried and deflected each of them with reflexive flicks of his wrists.

"It's over, Tracinya. I've won," the Ektrosis leader boldly declared, shuffling his feet to allow a minimalistic parry of Tracinya's lightsaber.

"The frakk… it is…" the Marauder defied.

"Tracinya, look at you! You're tired, exhausted and are barely managing an offence," Appius stated as the Mandalorians' sabers locked together. "You aren't even using the Force! You're just wailing at me aimlessly!"

The Juggernaut was right. Whilst he himself was winded from his use of the Force up until now, Tracinya was very quickly wearing out from fatigue. Just as he had planned.

"FRAKK… YOU!" Tracinya yelled angrily. "SHUT THE HELL UP! WHO DO YOU THINK… YOU ARE? MY FATHER!?"

"No, I don't!" Appius retorted. "But I'm the closest thing you have to one right now. So, you are going to shut up and listen! You are seventeen years old and are nothing but reckless!"

Appius proceeded to parry a high strike, followed by a low one aimed at his shin.

"You put yourself in danger for no other reason than the fact that your pride was a little wounded. You threatened me, and insulted Ankira, someone who has shown you nothing but acceptance and care!"

The Marauder gritted her teeth and lunged at Appius, who sidestepped and grabbed Tracinya's wrist to allow the smaller Human's momentum to carry her forward. Tracinya aimed a punch directly at the Juggernaut's gut, but her fist slammed into nothing but beskar as the Quaestor used the Force to hard himself against her strike.

"I'm done, Tracinya. I've let you get away with doing what you want for too long. You want to act like a spoiled brat? A di'kut? Then I'll treat you like one until you learn some responsibility!"

The Marauder heard enough of Appius' prattling and on instinct decided to do something reckless. Tracinya closed the gap between them and swiftly kicked the Juggernaut in the groin, causing the taller Human to recoil and wince in shock. Thankfully, the codpiece on his armor protected him, and his future offspring, from pain.

Regardless, it was the opening Tracinya was looking for. The young girl lunged straight for Appius' heart, and for a fleeting moment it seemed like she'd done it! Her crimson-bladed lightsaber reached his armor and…

It shrugged right off.

The young girl's eyes widened in horror. It was armor just like hers, the iron from their homeworld.

Beskar!? Kark!

Tracinya threw her all into that attack, and as her blade bounced off of Appius' armor, she left herself vulnerable. The Force screamed at the young girl from the back of her mind, but she was still too slow to stop the other Mandalorian as he placed a palm against her sternum.

The Sith felt a blast of energy against her as she flew back across the Dromund Kaas hall. She crashed into the tile flooring as her lightsaber rolled out of her hand and out of reach. The young Mandalorian slowly staggered to her feet, her face and hands covered in cuts and bruises that ached and pained with every movement. To hell will accepting defeat! She was Mando'ade and Appius was going to have to kill her if he wanted to win!

Speaking of the Ektrosis Quaestor, it appeared she would get her wish. Appius' heart pounded in his chest as sweat dripped down his brow. He summoned the dark side of the Force into him and ran towards her at a speed Tracinya didn't know he was capable of. The young Sith braced herself, ready to deflect his lightsaber with her armor, but to her surprise. The older Human leapt over her head and landed directly behind her with a hard thud upon the tile beneath his feet. After an audible crack, Tracinya turned to answer the inevitable strike, though was greeted by tendrils of dark energy that wrapped around her body. Streaks of blue and white struck her from point blank, and the young girl's screams echoed among the storms of Dromund Kaas above.

Tracinya collapsed at Appius' feet, twitching in a fetal position as slight trails of smoke rose from her body. The Ektrosis leader panted with heavy breaths, turning off the saberstaff in his hand before placing it back on his hip. He stared down at the young girl with a mixture of pity, regret, and anger. It was the Sith's own fault. She started the fight and what Appius did was for her own good. Still, that didn't mean he had to feel good about it.

"You called me brother, ori'vod, and I thought of you like a little sister. I guess I was wrong. I lost my entire family on Mandalore, so I know how it feels to lose the people you love, knowing you'll never see them again. I know Kalon's disappearance was hard on you, but there was no need for this!" Appius scolded as he caught his breath.

"You know what, Tracinya? Consider yourself disowned. You are still a member of Taldryan and Ektrosis, but I no longer consider you part of my family."

Upon hearing those words, Tracinya weakly turned her head, a single tear dropped down her blood-stained cheek.

"I'm… sorry…" she managed to utter in a rare display of vulnerability.

"You want me to forgive you? Then you must prove yourself. I won the rite of combat, so you will do as I say without question. You can hate me, loath me, want to kill me. I don't care. But I'll see you back at the Ektrosis headquarters, assuming you can get out of here on your own."

With thunder and lightning raging above the two dark siders, Appius turned and left the young girl to stew in the mistakes she made. He sighed with a heavy heart, and Appius silently hoped against everything that he made the right decision, for Tracinya's own good.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 April, 2021 9:05 PM UTC

What Went Well

The high points of your first post, particularly the emotional tension, carried over into this post. As such, I’m not going to spend a ton of time repeating the same things I said there.

Room for Growth

The primary Syntax issue you had in this post was related to verb tenses. Since ACC posts are written in the past tense (or technically, “simple past tense”), events that had already happened even further in the past use a verb tense called “past perfect tense”. For example:

The Marauder **had* heard enough of Appius' prattling…* (“had heard” instead of “heard”)

She started the fight and what Appius **had done... (“had done” instead of “did”)

Tracinya weakly turned her head, a single tear **dropping**... (“dropping” instead of “dropped”; this is an example of past continuous tense instead of past perfect tense, since the “dropping” is happening at the same time as she turned her head, just like the “hearing” earlier in the same sentence)

On the Story front, there was one aspect of this post that really strained belief: Tracinya not realising that Appius was wearing beskar armour. Going strictly by the battle itself, Tracinya also wears beskar armour—and even punched Appius’ armour with her own a few paragraphs before she tried to stab him, to no effect. If you’d presented it as her having realised that earlier then forgetting about it in the heat of the moment, it would’ve come off a lot better, but as written it seems way too convenient.

Suggestions

Watch your verb tenses. Keep the convenient plot twists to a minimum, or set them up in a more plausible way than one character completely derping out.

No sooner had the words left Tracinya's lips she noticed Appius' body posture visibly change. His back straightened up almost as if he had been prodded from behind with an electric rod. His brow creased dramatically and the look he gave her was certainly a dark one.

"Now you've done it!" The older Mandalorian snarled at her menacingly with gritted teeth, his voice reverberating around them.

The Battlemaster couldn't help but feel elated at the thought of turning the Quaestor's attempts to goad her back around on him. Though the sensation was short-lived when she noticed him pull a hand away from the hilt of his staff and hold the palm out towards the girl.

Tracinya quickly lost her footing, and was knocked cleanly off the ground by the Force Push, her body flew through the air before colliding with the far wall of the chamber with a heavy clatter of armoured plating.

Upon impact the breath was knocked cleanly out of the Sith's lungs. She coughed and sputtered trying to take in an airless gasp whilst propping herself onto one knee for support, her offhand clutching at her chest tightly.

Her attempts to recover were interrupted when the telltale screeching of Appius's jetpack reached her ears. Tracinya turned her gaze skywards in time to spot the dark silhouette of the Juggernaut veering down on her, illuminated by the flames of his jetpack's thrusters and the emerald hue of his weapon which was pulled back and ready to strike.

Now aware of the incoming danger, the wide-eyed Sith threw her body forward and rolled out of the way just as the Quaestor slammed into the space she had been occupying previously, his lightsaber imbedding into the wall as a result.

The ancient stonework did not fare well from taking the brunt of the attack. If either of the two Mandalorians had stopped to take a look, they would have noticed the cracks beginning to form across the well-worn surface.

Tracinya managed to use the momentum of the roll to get back onto her feet, turning sharply to face Appius who was doing the same. She had started to take deep breaths, relieved at gradually being able to do so again.

The Battlemaster was ready to deliver a swift uppercut with her weapon, whilst the Savant opted to once again use the length of his staff to his advantage, lunging forward at the centre point of Tracinya’s chest.

Their blades locked together for the briefest of moments before Tracinya swiped Ner Ara aside, but Appius was quick to deliver a subsequent blow before the Marauder had a moment to make a move of her own.

The Quaestor's barrage of attacks were unrelenting and seemingly overzealous as he continued, and although the Sith was matching him swing for swing they both knew it wouldn't last forever. The pair were moving along the side of the temple's interior, scorched markings adorning the architecture in their wake. It was clear to Tracinya that she was at a disadvantage, the Juggernaut was successfully blocking her in with his consistent attacks and she was being pushed towards the corner of the solemn hall at an alarming rate.

If she didn't do something now then it was all over.

The opportunity presented itself when their lightsabers clashed together again. Tracinya turned her sight at the towering wall and noticed the damage they had inflicted on it, and it's deteriorating condition. Her sweat and blood-soaked face distorted into an unnerving smirk as an idea formed in her mind.

"Give up! You've got nowhere to go!" Appius declared sternly, his arms trembling from the adrenaline.

"Hodar!" Yelled Tracinya, placing a hand flat against the surface of the wall whilst the other struggled to fend the older Mandalorian off. “If I’m going down you’re coming with me!”

It only took a few moments for Appius to realise what she was doing, but by then there was barely any time to respond. With an exasperated cry, Tracinya used the last of her remaining strength to force the portion of the wall's foundation inward which immediately destabilised the aged structure.

Cracks formed across the stonework above them in the split second before the stress became too much and it began to collapse on top of the two Force Users with a thunderous growl.

Tracinya watched Appius frantically break away from attacking her and dive across the ground, she attempted to follow him with her lightsaber but by then the crumbling mass of stones were already upon them. A relatively large chunk of stone smacked against the Battlemaster’s head, forcing her to the floor.

She could feel the churning rubble swallow her up, the sensation like being punched continuously by a man with a hundred arms as she faded from consciousness. The deafening noise slowly subsiding into silence at last.

-

The first thing Tracinya noticed when she started to wake up was an almost unbearable pain that racked across her whole body. In her momentarily lucid state it felt as if she had been set alight. When the girl finally opened her eyes she could see her outstretched arm resting against the ground, but as her vision unblurred the Sith was alarmed to find out that the limb was bent the wrong way at the elbow.

Osik!” The girl cried out in dismay as she tried to move the crippled limb. Her twitching fingers were the most she could manage without overexerting herself, and the agony the young Marauder felt from her attempt was sufficient enough to quickly make her feel nauseous.

"Good, you're finally awake."

Despite the pain, Tracinya's heart almost skipped a beat by the unexpected voice. Her stomach felt heavy when she turned her head up to look at Appius standing over her with a grim expression.

The Battlemaster instinctively tried to scramble to her feet, but she hadn't realised that her left leg was just as damaged as her arm and with a yell she fell back to the ground.

"You only have yourself to blame." The Savant scolded with no evident remorse. "That has to be the stupidest thing you've done to date."

"Stop rubbing it in and just finish me off already." Tracinya snapped in return, turning her head back to the side in defeat. She had gambled, and she had lost.

“You don’t get it do you?!" The Quaestor continued on, his arms crossed firmly. "Despite the fact that you're an insubordinate pain in my ass, you are still a member of Ektrosis and it's my job to look after you. And I don't need your buir on my case about failing to do that when he comes back!"

After a brief pause, Tracinya took a long sigh and eventually worked up the confidence to give Appius a nod, holding out her hand for assistance. The Savant was quick to take it, carefully lifting the girl up and taking the weight off of her busted leg.

As they hobbled to the entrance of the eery temple, Appius spoke again in a half-hearted tone.

“Oh, and I can’t punish a corpse. Make no mistake, when we get back to Ostara you’re going to wish you’d never been born.”

The injured Battlemaster snorted, giving the taller Mandalorian a look of disbelief.

“I guess we’ll see about that.”

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 26 April, 2021 9:05 PM UTC

What Went Well

Like in your first post, the two strongest elements of your post were the emotional tension and the vividness of your descriptions. You did a great job of using sensory language to draw the reader into the battle, and make them engage with everything as it happens.

Room for Growth

Your most noticeable Syntax issues were the capitalisation of your dialogue tags and a couple of issues with sentence structure. Since I covered those in detail in your other post, I won't go rehash it all here.

Like in the first post, I also have a couple of Realism concerns here. You mention Tracinya being able to catch her breath after Appius dodging one of Appius’ attacks, and portray Appius as being at roughly the same level of exhaustion. Since I explained my issues with that in my comments on your first post, I won’t go into it all again here.

The other Realism issue was that Tracinya got smacked in the head with “a relatively large chunk of stone” that had fallen from a decent height, when she wasn’t wearing a helmet and didn't have any other means of mitigating the blow. That should have knocked her out immediately (or worse), but she remained conscious long enough to both see herself buried under a pile of rocks and wake up a short time later. That goes well beyond what's believable in the circumstances, and earned you a major detractor.

Suggestions

Watch your dialogue tags and sentence structure, and pay more attention to the realism level in your posts.