KP Galleros Sjl vs. OPM Cethgus Tiberius Entar

Krath Priest Galleros Sjl

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Zelosian, Krath, Seeker
vs.

Obelisk Primarch Cethgus Tiberius Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Zabrak, Obelisk, Marauder
Comment

Both of you displayed a strong writing technique and adequately painted a picture for me. I was able to see the whole battle in my minds eye, and enjoyed Galleros's use of metaphors and simile. However, syntax was the big problem here as some of Galleros's sentences were either missing words or had extra words put in, or had to be read or reread for me to understand what was trying to be said. Both of you did a great job using your characters skills and making an interesting story, though next time you may want to avoid the "We're here, let's fight" thing. There was no real reason for the two of you to fight, you sort of just started. That being said, I think Cethgus is the victor here. Congrats to both of you for an excellent job.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants KP Galleros Sjl, OPM Cethgus Tiberius Entar
Winner OPM Cethgus Tiberius Entar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
KP Galleros Sjl's Character Snapshot Snapshot
OPM Cethgus Tiberius Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Begeren: Ancient Quarry
Last Post 15 March, 2015 5:06 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Sala Fe
Syntax - 15%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Minor changes to your sentences would have given you a stronger syntax score. Remember that if you use an -ing ending in a sentence, the verbs in the rest of the sentence have to share that ending, making it all the same tense. You also refer to him as Lexic in the first post. Rationale: There were times when sentences didn't make sense as if they were missing a word or had too many words in them. Sentences didn't exactly flow correctly, causing me to read and reread some a few times.
Story - 40%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: I enjoyed how you made it into a cat and mouse game, with Cethgus having to track down Galleros, as well as listening to the water to hear a splash. It was an interesting read, and the battle was detailed nicely. The severing his hand was a nice touch. Rationale: Your second post painted a very nice picture of a defeated man gazing at his last scene. I enjoyed your use of the Zeltron memory, it added a nice flair. One issue I had with your ending is that it's unclear what happens to your character. With the way it ends, it sounds like he fell down (like you would from exhaustion) but I also know there is a drop referenced as well. I wasn't sure if him falling into the water was the drop or him falling there was the drop. Your use of beast control as a way to distract and delay Cethgus also added to your score.
Realism - 25%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: You accurately portrayed what Cethgus was capable of doing. Rationale: You accurately portrayed what Galleros would be capable of doing.
Continuity - 20%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There were no errors in continuity from what I could see Rationale: There were no errors in continuity from what I could see
Cethgus Tiberius Entar's Score: 4.3 Qor Kith's Score: 4.15
Posts

Begeren. Once a prosperous Sith world, it has been the site of numerous battles throughout the millennia. Grand halls and monuments were torn down and re-purposed by looting Republic forces thousands of years ago, before they were driven from the planet. Isolated settlements still dot the planet's surface, but the inhospitable, craggy, and desert-like terrain, along with the beasts common to many desert and Sith worlds, have kept most humanoids from colonizing. Occasional skirmishes have left debris scattered throughout the desert, and battles were fought here as recently as the Galactic Civil War. The planet is now under the control of the One Sith and is rumored to be full of all manner of priceless, ancient Sith artifacts.

The Dark Council has pushed forth to Begeren and the Grand Master, on his quest for ever more powerful items, has decreed the Clans and Houses seize anything of value. The unity shown by the Brotherhood during the beginning of this Crusade is fracturing, with the Clans and Houses growing tired and frustrated with the seemingly endless succession of battles. Tempers are flaring between former allies, with outright aggression no longer uncommon. Despite this, you have responded to the Grand Master's call—though whether it's to actually seize the items for the Brotherhood, destroy them, or use them for your own purposes, only you know. One such item, a Sith talisman, said to be inlaid with a dark side-infused gemstone, was lost in the quarries of Begeren during the liberation of the planet from Old Republic looters thousands of years ago.

The Force has drawn you here, to an abandoned quarry, in a mountainous region west of an expansive desert. Any mining equipment once used here is long gone, but the landscape itself remains surprisingly preserved from the days of the Old Republic's strip mining. Scrub brush, the only foliage present on this part of the planet, has taken root all along the sides of the quarry. The ledge overlooks a one-hundred meter drop into a crystal-clear basin of water; opposite the ledge is a more gradual, step-wise decline. The basin itself is peculiar, as no plants are growing in or around it, despite being one of the few bodies of liquid you have seen in the nearby area. A long, snaking ramp meanders down through the steps of the quarry towards the water below, beginning at the northward edge of the cliff you now find yourself on. You notice shards of gemstones crunch underfoot as you move, a hint as to the use of this quarry in ages past.

The Iridonian allowed his boots to sink slightly into the crushed shards that were scattered around, his eyes gently scanning his surroundings. A light breeze tugged at his robes, the smell of dirt rippling through his nostrils. Noticing the robed figure on the ramp ahead of him, the Proconsul focused his attention on the figure. His gaze fell upon the green band whipping in the wind, forming the completion of this mysterious figure's image. Galleros turned his head to meet the face of his Proconsul. Instantly, the Primarch recognised his foe due to the brown bark patched on his face knowing who his enemy was on this night.

“So you summoned me to this desolated waste?” the cold voice of the Entar echoed upon the wind to his opponents ears.

“Indeed,” was the only reply that Galleros gave to his superior, seeing the hint of anger flash quickly across the face of his opponent at not being addressed correctly.

Cethgus allowed his hands to come down to the belt, which holstered his sabers, gently unclipping the weapon with ease. Years of experience had made such movements second nature to him. Feeling the familiar weapons in his hands, he allowed his thumbs to press down, letting the blades come to life with a hiss. Seeing the glow of the white and green blades he moved his feet, getting himself better positioned to pounce on the Krath Priest. Knowing the movements of the Iridonian, Galleros prepared himself as well; activating his own blade as the red glow reflected from the shards and ramp, illuminating the area around them.

Digging his boots into the sand and rubble, the Iridonian pressed himself down and sprung forward, blades raised ready to strike out at the Zelosian. His body moving with speed born from the momentum, bringing his blades slashing down, he smashed them against the Quaestor's causing sparks to hiss from the weapons and gently fizzle down to the floor. Feeling the might of his opponent against his blades shocked the Iridonian. Unable to hold the lock for long, it forced the Primarch to dart backwards. The Krath knew full well that he would have to rethink his tactics if Galleros could fight with this much strength.

The Proconsul darted under an incoming slash as he allowed his second saber to circle around, blocking a slash that would have seen his head cleaved from his shoulders in one fell swoop. Having to use his body weight to drop himself backwards out of the slash, Lexic moved swiftly bringing the saber to parry a third strike, each blow coming in quickly and in a deadly pattern showing years of experience. Both combatants exchanged blows, their blades striking with precision only to be parried away. It was clear that the two were well trained in lightsaber forms giving neither the advantage to make a decisive move.

Maneuvering himself backwards the Iridonian allowed the force to flow through him, summoning it as his muscles strained under the load pressing upon them. Instantly he slammed forward, more persistent and headstrong than before. Bringing both blades across, Galleros staggered at the sheer strength the Proconsul now possessed. Swinging back as he stepped out of the lock, the Iridonian's white blade crashed down against the Zelosian’s red blade. Watching Galleros fighting to keep his saber up, Cethgus flung his second arm back before bringing it smashing into the lock, forcing more strain on not only his own body, but the Quaestor's muscles as well.

Pushing Galleros backwards, his feet caught the edge of a crystal sending him stumbling further down the ramp. Taking advantage of the situation, the former Arconae lunged in with his blade aiming at the neck of his opponent. Allowing his hand to come out, Galleros had seconds to nudge the wrist of his opponent, diverting the blade into the rock of the wall, causing it to cleave like a knife through butter. By the time Cethgus had recovered from his attack, he let out a growl of frustration as he saw his opponent was heading down the ramp with speed. It was clear that the constant use of his strength and speed had started to take its toll on Galleros, something the Primarch would take full advantage off.

“Don’t run Galleros, you will only prolong your life for mere minutes longer,” the Proconsul's voice echoed down the ramp towards the well of crystal shards at the bottom.

Sala Fe, 16 March, 2015 9:35 PM UTC

Desolated waste- Shouldn't that be desolate waste?

"Cethgus allowed his hands to come down to the belt, which holstered his sabers, gently unclipping the weapon with ease." Come down to his belt?

"His body moving with speed born from the momentum, bringing his blades slashing down, he smashed them against the Quaestor's causing sparks to hiss from the weapons and gently fizzle down to the floor." A better way to say this would be "His body, moving with speed born from the momentum, brought his blades slashing down and smashing them against the Quaestor's..."

You refer to him as Lexic in this post.

"...the former Arconae lunged in with his blade aiming at the neck of his opponent." if you use lunged, then aiming should be aimed.

Rushing down the dusty ramp like a bobsled, Galleros was desperate to survive the deadly entourage of Cethgus’ dual lightsabers. His mind scouring the resources of enemy strategies in attempt to find an evasive maneuver out of this situation. It wasn’t before like that Cethgus had already caught up to his Quaestor and ignited his blades for attack. The Zelosian only had a moment to spare before he was destroyed, he twisted his feet and ignited the crimson blade, then planted his boots into the sand and cross blocked the fury of strikes and whips against him. The Proconsul was giving no mercy, he slammed what felt like his entire body weight against the singular red blade of the Zelosian that lowered and weakened with each strike.

Galleros was about to thrust his blade quickly at the Proconsul’s waist in a cowardly attempt, but Cethgus predicted this and hammered his heavy boot against the Zelosian’s tightened stomach. The blast caused the Quaestor to roll backwards and tumble further down the ramp, and towards the eighty meter drop. Galleros only glanced at the view before he quickly clamped at the lip of the path as his body slipped from the glistening sand. He focused his energy on lifting himself up, but before he could Galleros heard the disgusting crunch and crackle of his fingers. Cethgus stood proudly above the Zelosian, with both of his boots planted firmly upon the green fingers. His lightsabers sat neatly on his belt as he monitored the excruciating pain appearing on the Quaestor’s face.

“Did you really think that would work on another Iridonian? I’ve honed myself so that it never happens to me.”

Galleros took a moment to focus himself, he began to ignore the pain coming from his broken and useless fingers, and onto the areas around them. He pinpointed the chirps and tweets of the distant lands coming from the speckles of life that scurried and hid in fear. His focus beckoned them to reveal themselves and to become the dominant predator, he twisted their minds to alter their ways and become vicious. Then Galleros gave him a target that was the face of the Proconsul. It wasn’t long before the Quaestor came back to focus and he was dropping to his doom, with the crystal water coming closer each second. As he looked up, the Quaestor noticed a horde of tiny lizards race from the cracks of the rocks and bite at the hardened skin of the Iridonian. The warm waters of the basin slapped harshly against the Zelosian’s back, as he faded into the darkness.

Sala Fe, 16 March, 2015 9:41 PM UTC

"His mind scouring the resources of enemy strategies in attempt to find an evasive maneuver out of this situation." Kind of awkward. Maybe "His mind began to scour his resources of enemy strategies in an attempt to..." would work better?

"It wasn’t before like that Cethgus had already caught up to his Quaestor and ignited his blades for attack" I think there is a word missing in here, and a few of the words could be taken out.

Cethgus growled in pain, his ears just making out the distinct sound of Galleros hitting the water. His left hand released the saber letting it hit the sand ramp as it started to roll gently down the slope, with his free hand he grabbed at the closest Lizard ripping it free from his skin and tossing it down the hole. After what could have easily been several minutes the Obelisk had finally cleared his body of Lizards, allowing the last one to meet his boot as the splatter cascaded up the side of his robes. Pain gently irritated the skin of the Iridonian, each bite had punctured his skin and droplets of blood tricked from each of the wounds.

Cethgus allowed his eyes to glance around the cave, now noticing the slope descending down which he knew would lead to the bottom. Stepping down the slope once more he knelt down briefly, picking up his dropped saber, letting his fingers curl around the hilt and remove it from its resting place against the wall. Gently pulling himself up, the dull sting of the wounds cascaded threw out his system, it was clear that the Iridonian had to make sure his opponent was killed. As he walked down the slope and descended into the dark, sun deprived hole, the crystals illuminated his way as they reflected what little sun was able to find its way down here.

As Cethgus reached the end of the hole, his white blade bringing light to the dark in front of him, allowing his eyes to scan the pit like area, its open ceiling and large circular formation making it the perfect make-shift battlefield. Watching the well of water rippling it was clear that the perfect stillness had been ruined by the fall of the Quaestor. Ripples could be seen heading to the shore as the form of the Zelosian dragging himself from the water. Taking note of the fact that it seemed the fall had not been so perfect after all, it was clear from the panting and dragging of his left leg it had suffered at the hands of this basin.

“So you did survive that fall then Galleros.” The Quaestor's voice cut through the gap between them and echoed into the ears of the green skinned Krath.

Sjl instantly tried drawing himself up using the wall of the Basin he staggered up to his feet, his hands searching his body for his saber hilt, finding the weapon wet and damp he grasped the hilt in his hand and reignited the blade. Hearing the clear hiss of water evaporating from the hilt only made Cethgus smirk as he knew the fight was once more back on.

Breathing deeply, the Priest prepared himself for the oncoming attack, his stance showing his readiness even in his weakened state. His right leg was having to take the bulk of his weight and that would be his downfall in the eyes of the Proconsul. Cethgus walked slowly towards his opponent, it was clear with the fall and his useless fingers meant that even gripping his saber was taking its toll right now on the combatant. Feeling the blood trickling down his wound it only infuriated the Obelisk that Galleros had the nerve to challenge him to this fight, let alone stand there already beaten and not give up.

“Its already over Galleros, you just don't know it yet.” Cethgus' voice echoed for a second before the sound of the Primarchs increased advance echoed through the basin.

Cethgus swung the blades with ease hearing them collide with the red blade of his opponents saber, feeling the force of the blades collide it was clear that the Quaestor had taken the time to heal some of the bones that had been destroyed, enough to take the impact of the hit at least. Pulling away, the Primarch spun on his heel and slashed upwards, feeling blades lock together and he pushed against it, forcing himself towards his opponent before slamming his shoulder into his opponent's jaw, sending the Krath spluttering backwards and watching his face twist in agony as the strain on his leg was apparent.

Following up the Iridonian brought his elbow to bare on the green skinned jaw hearing the sound as bone dislocated from joint, blood trickled from his mouth and splashed into the water. Before the Krath could recover he felt the agonizing pain of a saber blade piercing through his skin, the pain blurred his vision as it overrode all of his senses. Trying to swing his blade back Sjl felt his body failing, as he forced it to endure one last time. His red blade coming up only to feel the blade fall free from his grip. Making out the shape of his hand falling away from his wrist knowing it had been destroyed by the Primarch.

Cethgus deactivated his blades allowing the Quaestor to collapse into the shallow part of the basin, knowing full well that the fight was over, he stared down and the broken and beaten form of Galleros, reaching down he grabbed the lightsaber hilt from the amputated hand, clipping it to his belt as he glanced at the slow breathing from.

“If you survive this, come and find me. Get stronger and maybe one day you will look upon this mistake and understand why I let you live.” With those words, the Iridonian walked away from the basin and starting his way back up the ramp towards freedom.

The searing pain of his body and the enflaming pressure from his head woke Galleros from the darkness but only partially. His body felt cold and the lower half of his body was absent to him. His emerald eyes glanced forward at the darkness and sparkles of the night sky, along with the dusty winds and jagged rocks laying beside him. He forced his head to turn to the left as the burning sensation filled his neck from the muscle movement. Galleros’ eyes met with the sharp lime eyes of his superior, filled with vengeance and disgust. The Quaestor tried to open his mouth in a hurried attempt to passively manipulate, but the area around his jaw ached with pain and inflammation. His attempt to talk turned into a raspy choke and Cethgus slowly placed his heavy boot against the Zelosian’s head.

“I’ve had enough of your games, Krath. Now it’s time.” The Primarch stated.

Galleros slowly closed his scarred eyelids to face the incoming crunch of his skull, but the boot was lifted. The Zelosian looked around to see that the Proconsul grabbed his feet and began dragging Galleros through the water basin and up the ramp. Because Galleros never wore a shirt on this occasion, the jagged sediment stone and segments of crystals stabbed, pierced and raked at his waist, back and neck areas. The enflaming pain only began to fully progress as his lower half finally return it’s senses. Cethgus gripped tighter onto the weak and limp foot, then tugged much harder which caused a crystal to dagger into Galleros’ back. The rush of heat in that area nauseated the Zelosian, as he felt his stomach churn and his concentration fade more so. The torture of grating the Zelosian’s back finally stopped when the Proconsul reached the height of the lip and dropped the foot. Galleros took this moment to try and focus his mind, by reaching the reserved strength his has and applied it to the singular pain searing from his back. His focus led him to a dream of a back massage from a pink Zeltron, her soft fingers weaving that specific area as she purred softly close to his ear.

“Mmm...so much tension, I must fix this.”

The Zelosian fell bashful as words escaped him from this moment, he only wanted to make this reality and interactive. However his body could not be moved, and his breathing was slow, faint and unable to adapt. The Zeltron slowly leaned to press her thick lips against his lips, as her arms reached underneath his armpits but he was dragged back into reality. The Proconsul’s face met his as Galleros was forced onto his useless feet. The sudden drop of the cliff greeted his eyes like a predator’s faced baptised in blood. The Zelosian slowly turned his head to glance slightly at Cethgus, as he finally built up the strength to mutter.

“So, I am fired?”

With a quick flick of his arms, the Proconsul sent his ex-Quaestor on a quick drop with a sudden stop.