JK Seridan Brehevik vs. CCL Solari-Urr

Jedi Knight Seridan Brehevik

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Sentinel, Shadow
vs.

Consular Cleric Solari

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Shard, Consular, Seeker
Comment

Over all this was an interesting fight to look over. I've never had the opportunity to go over an Odan-Urr encounter and the way it was established was interesting.

You both showed strengths and a good understanding of each other's character sheets. However, neither were perfect. If you aren't already having your posts proof-read before submitting, I would recommend it as it is a great tool that will catch a lot of the minor typos and grammar mistakes that are often found. Additionally, they should help catch glaring issues with realism if they are familiar with the characters or look at the character sheets.

In the end, this contest came down to story in my mind. Both of you did a good job setting up the conflict and driving this match from its beginning to the final conclusion. However, Seridan wrote the more engaging story and conflict over all, granting him the victory in this match.

Well done, both of you, and I look forward to the next one.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JK Seridan Brehevik, CCL Solari-Urr
Winner JK Seridan Brehevik
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
JK Seridan Brehevik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
CCL Solari-Urr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 11 April, 2015 7:23 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Augur Windos Corvus Corax
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had minor typos and a few grammatical errors. I have outlined some of these in the post comments. Rationale: For the most part, you had only minor typos. If you didn't have a proofer, using one in the future will help.
Story - 40%
Augur Windos Corvus Corax
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You were able to form a complete story and brought it to a satisfying end. It had the potential for more, and left the reader wanting. This held your grade back from being higher. Rationale: You told a good, and interesting story. You described the combat just enough to give the reader a visual representation without overstating it.
Realism - 25%
Augur Windos Corvus Corax
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Over the course of your posts, you kept in line with realism in most areas. You referred to your opponent as Serian twice in your first post, and I highlighted a CS issue in your death post comments. Rationale: You referred to Solari as wielding a saber-staff. Other than this, your ability to adhere to character sheets and the lore of the venue were solid.
Continuity - 20%
Augur Windos Corvus Corax
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There were no apparent issues with continuity. Rationale: There were no apparent issues with continuity.
Augur Windos's Score: 4.2 Corvus Corax's Score: 4.35
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

Serian leaned up against the cool steal of the back of one of the numerous neon signs that littered this part of the city. He could feel the chill of the metal creep up his arms, even through the thick fabric of the dark robes. Despite the blinding light down below darkness swarmed around the Jedi Knight. His robes almost merging with the ambiance, the Miraluka was almost invisible.

The Vertical City was unusually busy tonight. The sector's most popular heavy isotope band would be performing soon causing all manner of denizens to be out on the streets. If Serian were relying on a human's eyes to spot his target, the crowd would have caused an issue. Luckily the Force was his eyes, and the Force is not easily distracted by unimportant movement.

It was not uncommon for the Odan-Urr Summit to dispatch a pair of Jedi - of dramatically differing rank - to track and engage each other as a form of advanced training. A knight being paired with his Aedile, however, was somewhat uncommon. The aim of the exercise was to identify, follow, and incapacitate the target without alerting the public and especially not the local security forces. This crowds could be either a hindrance or a helping hand in completing the mission.

A shadow moved across the street, an unnatural green glow subtly escaping from under a tan hood.

Seridan slipped down from his perch behind the neon, senses alert. He moved gracefully through the crowd, dagger in hand. We weaved between untold alien races, managing to not brush up against a single being. He watched the robe shrouded droid ahead of him, but kept his distance.

He followed, continuing to weave through the crowd, waiting for the Shard to make a mistake. Waiting for an opening to show itself, large enough for Seridan's blade to sever the droid's central control array and rendering him motionless without any need for open combat.

Darth Renatus, 13 April, 2015 1:00 AM UTC

You refer to the Seridan as "Serian" twice in this post.

This crowds could be either a hindrance or a helping hand in completing the mission.

This looks like you meant "the crowds" or "these crowds", since you are referring to a plural object.

He followed, continuing to weave through the crowd, waiting for the Shard to make a mistake. Waiting for an opening to show itself, large enough for Seridan's blade to sever the droid's central control array and rendering him motionless without any need for open combat.

This is disjointed, through repetition. You end the opening sentence with waiting for and start the next statement again waiting for. It looks like you meant to elaborate on the purpose of the opening he was waiting for from the first line, but overlapped in the attempt.

Suddenly, a shoulder slammed into Seridan as a hurried-looking hoodlum barged past. Seridan moved with the impact, turning to see his interrupter. Somewhat surprisingly, he was a normal commuter - nothing special.

Turning back, Solari was gone. Seridan couldn't see the telltale green glow, so he reached out with the Force, trying to find the Shard's mind. Sensing a sage-like intellect and a cool demeanour, Seridan knew that it could only be Solari. He was only a block or two away. Realising that he was carrying a weapon in a busy crowd, Seridan stowed his humming vibroblade in its sheath, and quickened his pace. Seeing an alley that would serve as a shortcut, Seridan detoured, aiming to cut Solari off.

Around him, the buildings and lights of Nar Shaddaa seemed to fade, and become less prolific. In their own way, the walls seemed to become more intimidating; oppressive, even. Even the constant flow of pedestrians had thinned. Seridan's uneasy feeling was only eased by how close Solari was. He could feel the Shard just around the corner.

Suddenly, a hard object pressed itself into his back and pushed him towards the nearest wall. Seridan hit the wall, and then, with a grunt, he rebounded and span. Seridan cursed. Another distraction meant his mission was even more delayed.

"Your thoughts betray you. Well, that and the fact that you carried a blade in the open. You really should be more subtle," a strangely mechanical voice said. Seridan looked up, focusing on his adversary.

Shrouded in the tan robes of a traveller, a metal skeleton moved with the grace of a human. In the place where a humanoid's heart usually is, a eerie green glow ebbed at regular intervals. This green light glowed also along crevices in his armour, making it look like arteries carrying lifeblood. His shoulders were smooth, a quizzical tilt to his head. Seridan saw his Aedile, but he didn't understand. Solari couldn't be here, in front of him. He was walking east - Seridan could still sense Solari's mind, getting farther away with every moment. The mind he sensed then disappeared.

"Minds are surprisingly easy to trick, if you don't know how to protect yourself," Solari said, smirking, "I've been tailing you for a few minutes."

Seridan's head reeled as he went through his options, seemingly oblivious to Solari's remarks. Soon his mind went to his mission. He found that the only thing left that he could do was incapacitate Solari, albeit subtly. He smiled grimly, knowing what he had to do.

"Those are my deathsticks. Mine!" Seridan shouted, bounding forward and tackling the droid body. It had to look like a couple of lowlifes grappling, not like a Jedi duel, if they were to stay undetected. Solari's droid body bounced back to his feet. Out of the folds of his robe, the Shard drew his lightsaber. The long red blade clashed with the green glow, casting ominous shadows across the polished metal.

‘Damn. Plan Incognito isn’t going to work,’ Seridan thought. He summoned his lightsaber to his hand, letting the cool ice colour splash over his face. Seridan noticed how Solari held his saber oddly. He held it behind his back, though it didn’t look uncomfortable for Solari. Seridan decided to start with big moves, to weigh up his opponent. He threw his lightsaber, the blade spinning somewhat gracefully through the air, before Solari brought his lightsaber round in a broad arc, deflecting it back to Seridan. Leaping through the air, Seridan grabbed his saber and clashed with Solari’s saber-staff, the familiar ‘hiss’ of lightsaber clashes breaking the monotonousness of the buzzing city. Seridan leaped backward, before rolling under a slash and attempting a feint at the droid’s ankle. Solari bought it, but he noticed in time to parry the blade away. Solari then engaged Seridan with a complex cadence, which Seridan just about kept up with.

As the two Jedi traded strikes, slashes, and stabs, Seridan began to get a measure of Solari’s technique. It was aggressive and fast, much like Seridan’s own. There wasn’t much defence to it, though Seridan had to be wary of that as well. Their lightsaber forms were similar, Seridan noted, but different. As Seridan ducked a swipe, he had an idea. Whereas Ataru requires a lot of movement, Solari’s form was a lot more static. Seridan span out of the way of the ruby-red blade, but instead of counterattacking, he opened his hand, and used the Force to propel Solari through the air. His droid host flew backward a few metres, the robes fluttering around him.

Solari sprang back to his feet. “Hmm…” the Shard’s mechanical voice hummed, “so that’s how you want to play it.”

Darth Renatus, 13 April, 2015 1:00 AM UTC

Leaping through the air, Seridan grabbed his saber and clashed with Solari’s saber-staff, the familiar ‘hiss’ of lightsaber clashes breaking the monotonousness of the buzzing city.

Solari doesn't have a saber-staff, make sure you adhere to the character sheets.

Solari stepped forward with a slight limp.

Seridan doubted he’d done any real damage to any of the droid’s frame and he wondered at the less than subtle sign of physical impairment. He’d heard his Aedile had some quirks, and tucked this away as one of them.

Solari sized up the Knight. This Miraluka was a lot faster than the Shard’s host and seemed to be just as skilled with a saber, despite his rank within Odan-Urr. It wouldn’t be surprising if his opponent bested him in direct combat. Solari, standing with his saber in a reverse grip behind his back, reached out through the Force. He focused passed the Knight, and latched onto a discarded durasteel panel.

The panel swiftly launched from where it lay, directly towards Seridan’s back. Solari had made no physical movement to telegraph his impending attack, but somehow Seridan felt it coming. He dropped to the ground. Pressing his cheek against the cold pavement as he felt the large panel sail clear overhead.

Solari’s photoreceptors saw Seridan react with an unnatural swiftness. He processed this information quickly. He saw the panel, not having stopped where he’d intended, continue its journey. Directly towards him. Solari couldn’t divert the panel soon enough, and his host was nowhere near fast enough to dodge it.

Metal smashed into metal. Solari slammed into the ground as the panel skidded off further down the alley.

A servo in the droid’s left hip sparked, and his photoreceptor’s went dark. Seridan walked up to the consular slowly, cautiously. He plunged his pale blue saber into Solari’s transparisteel housing, gouging out a hole. He reached in and pulled out the crystal that actually stored Solari’s consciousness. He flipped the crystal in the air, admiring the green light darting around inside it. A disembodied voice, strange in its lack of discernable accent or engrained dialect, congratulated the Knight and suggested he not leave the droid where someone may stumble upon it.

Darth Renatus, 13 April, 2015 1:00 AM UTC

This Miraluka was a lot faster than the Shard’s host and seemed to be just as skilled with a saber, despite his rank within Odan-Urr.

You both hold the same skill in saber forms but you are both also evenly matched in Athletics. It is possible that, due the the massive difference in weight between the two, the same level of athletics does not apply, but you should show that to the reader.

Solari leaped forward, his robes billowing behind him as he leaped into a lightsaber clash. Seridan quickly broke the clash, before spinning and swinging for the Shard’s side. Solari’s saber parried, and counterattacked. Seridan rolled under the attack, before swiping upwards.

A red saber flicked Seridan’s out of the way. Seridan overbalanced, unstable for a while. A mechanical hand came up to meet Seridan as he recovered, but before it hit, a huge force punched into his gut and pushed him backwards. He was flung through the air, before sliding on the dirty, hard ground. Winded, Seridan clambered back to his feet. His arm stung where he’d whacked it on the ground, and he could feel the slickness of blood on his back where the grit and stones on the street had broken his skin. He didn’t have many options left. He picked up his saber and charged.

He figured that Solari was hard and stoic, and being made of metal he was probably heavy too. Seridan would have to be quick and rely on his agility. He darted forward in a feint, waiting until the last moment to slash upwards at his shoulder. When that was parried, he went for a riposte, then a counterattack. The ache of fatigue started creeping into Seridan’s muscles. He wouldn’t last too much longer. He ducked under a swipe from Solari, dodged to the side and twisted. He saw a golden opportunity: Solari was overextended, with his side open for attack. Seridan used his momentum to fuel this swipe, headed straight between two plates in the droid’s skeleton. At the last moment, the Shard’s forearm came to block the shot. The lightsaber hit the metal and bounced off.

‘Damn,’ he said, remembering the droid’s lightsaber-proof sash. Seridan stepped back as Solari’s back-swipe sped through the space he’d just been in. He felt the heat from the blade, and the front of his robes were slightly singed. Seridan backstepped again. Mild fatigue was starting to plague his muscles, with full-blown exhaustion threatening. He had to do this now.

In one final charge, Seridan leaped forward, one fast slash downward. Solari summoned a shield with the Force. The barrier was there just long enough to absorb most of Seridan’s momentum. Solari knocked the blade from Seridan’s tired hand. Solari put his hand on Seridan’s shoulder, smiling reassuringly, “You almost had me. My joints are getting stiff! Well d--”

Using the last of his energy, Seridan had drawn his vibroblade and had taken advantage of Solari’s proximity to put the blade at his throat. Seridan grinned at his Aedile, before resuming panting.

“Looks like you’re coming with me, bucko,” Seridan smiled.

Darth Renatus, 13 April, 2015 1:01 AM UTC

When that was parried, he went for a riposte, then a counterattack.

A riposte is a counterattack, so you just said he parried, countered, then countered again. It is good to show different word usage, but here this hurts more than it helps.

The ache of fatigue started creeping into Seridan’s muscles. He wouldn’t last too much longer.

This is good, Ataru is very taxing on stamina which your character isn't overflowing with. Would love to see more subtleties like this in your posts.