DA Kell Palpatine Dante vs. KP Zagro Fenn

Obelisk Primarch Kell Palpatine Dante

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Obelisk, Marauder
vs.

Krath Priest Zagro Fenn

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Hapan, Krath, Sorcerer
Comment

This was a pretty good fight. I like how you both built upon the fact that there is more to the story than just this snapshot. There is history between the characters and that is readily apparent to the reader without knowing more about them. Overall, there weren't that many errors to point out on both sides, but I have elaborated on them in the comments for your review.

In the end, as with all good ACC matches, the story is the deciding factor. Based on the lack of overarching faults to throw on the point stack, and the overall quality of the story provided, Dante gains the upper hand. His story wasn't perfect, but drew the reader more into the scene being presented and was, on the whole, more enjoyable.

Both of you did well, and I hope to see you both again soon.

Kell Palpatine Dante is the winner of this bout.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants DA Kell Palpatine Dante, KP Zagro Fenn
Winner DA Kell Palpatine Dante
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
DA Kell Palpatine Dante's Character Snapshot Snapshot
KP Zagro Fenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Hall of Secrets
Last Post 16 April, 2015 9:59 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Mauro Wynter
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Very minor issues here, which I elaborated on in the post comments. Rationale: Minor issue, and infrequent, which I elaborate on in the post comments.
Story - 40%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Mauro Wynter
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You were a bit slow in the beginning, not offering much in terms of engagement for the reader, but you set up the conflict suitably in the first post. The actual comment in your death post was written very well, but there are aspects that could have helped push this score up that I elaborated on in the comments. Rationale: You do a good job describing the scene to the reader, however you lack engagement and lapse in terms of showing everything that is happening. In one instance the fight goes from blade on blade to suddenly standing far apart, without any interconnecting events. Improving on that will help you increase this score going forward, and also describing the battle more in depth, rather than just glossing over the fact that they are exchanging blows.
Realism - 25%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Mauro Wynter
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You adhered to the character sheets and venue well. You ran into a CS discrepancy by referring to your new rank and not the one listed. Rationale: You adhered to the character sheets and venue well, but you made the mistake of referring to Force Shock as Force Lightning.
Continuity - 20%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Mauro Wynter
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No apparent issues here. Rationale: Nothing stood out here.
General Kell Palpatine Dante's Score: 4.35 Mauro Wynter's Score: 4.35
Posts

Below the offices and living quarters of the Headmaster and his Praetor lies the Hall of Secrets—a room dedicated to the members of the Dark Council, and practically unknown by the rest of the Brotherhood. The spacious room is highly secured, with a curving stone ceiling and thick, stone walls. Any noise from the rest of the Academy is completely muted, the silence of this place like a tomb. You were summoned here, the note still clenched in your hand, but so far you haven't seen a soul.

There are a nine cubicles—one for each Councilor—made from transparent crystal, which divides the room evenly into sections. Glancing into one, you see that it contains a small console. You walk towards it and tap in a simple command. Immediately the crystal walls grow opaque, obscuring the interior from view and sealing you within. It seems obvious that this is a secure study for the Council, where its members come to access artifacts, holocrons, or other data, without the prying eyes of the Academy watching.

You reverse the command and step back into the Hall. Glancing around, you search for the person who summoned you. Most of the cubicles are currently transparent, but the furthest one is dark—currently in use. You step towards it just as the walls flicker back to transparency revealing a single figure with weapon in hand…

The illumination lit the room just enough for Dante to make out the figure that stood before him.

“So soon? I figured it would at least take a few months before you wanted to challenge me for control of Imperium,” said Kell as he looked over the young Hapan that was holding an unlit lightsaber in his hand.

Zagro responded with “This is more about the direction of the clan. Your generation and the one before it haven’t been able to help Scholae ascend to the role of first clan of the Brotherhood.” Taking a step forward, the Krath Priest continued by saying “I am giving you the chance to bow out now and have a good retirement before this gets messy.”

Smiling, the nominal head of the Palpatine family brought his right hand out from his body. “Are you sure you want to try this?”

“It has already been decided,” the Krath said as his blade came to life casting a reddish glow around the darkened room.

Dante turned his neck to the side and readied himself for what was to come. He had known that taking a newer member of the clan as his second might lead to trouble, but Kell hadn’t thought that trouble would appear this soon. The influx of new and younger members into Scholae had allowed them to move back into the higher echelons of the Brotherhood, but it also brought with them their desires of grandeur. Calling his saber to his outstretched hand, the Obelisk retorted with “Then let us begin.”

With his left hand, the Adept unleashed a Force blast that leveled the cubicles in front of him and sent a wave of shards and fragments hurtling towards the younger man.

Darth Renatus, 26 April, 2015 1:30 AM UTC

the Adept unleashed

You are an Adept, but your character sheet for this fight is your Obelisk Primarch sheet. Unfortunately, this has to be marked against you.

The Obelisk Primarch’s blistering Force blast flung the cubicle debris with a withering might towards the younger Hapan. Dante was both more physically imposing – taller and larger, and had a clear advantage in the Force that came with a lifetime of honing and battle. Zagro knew this would be no easy duel on many levels.

For the Krath Priest had no malice towards his Quaestor. The older man had vouched for the relatively unknown and lonesome Hapan slicer. It occurred to Zagro that Dante appreciated his bearing and history as a military officer with the Hapan Royal Navy. Or perhaps it was the unique skill set that Fenn brought to the fore to usher in Scholae Palatinae’s return to glory.

With much effort and little grace Zagro dodged the brunt of the hurtling debris, and arched wide running towards his prey saber outstretched, keeping his center of gravity and mass low. The Obelisk remained in place and easily dodged the precarious blow. The audible sizzle of blade on blade rang out in the room rapidly dulled by the composition of the walls.

“I will take pity on that pathetic attempt. Why are you holding back? You know I do not underestimate your abilities this lull you are trying to induce will not work” stated the Quaestor.

Fenn now hung to the rear of the room, not breaking eye contact on his mentor and superior officer. “No my lord, you are far too keen for such a trick. But…but I wonder if your heart is in this match” came the Hapan’s reply.

The Obelisk betrayed a slight smiling smirk of appreciation. “Very well then, here is my answer.”

Zagro’s eyes narrowed as he crouched low, raising his blade in the ready. A sense of understanding passed between the two as Kell began his attack.

Darth Renatus, 26 April, 2015 1:30 AM UTC

For the Krath Priest had no malice towards his Quaestor.

This is left fragmented, starting the paragraph with "For" breaks the flow as it is dependent on the previous sentence it is now seperate from.

his prey saber outstretched

This reads like you have a "prey saber", should be broken up with punctuation or another word

Fenn now hung to the rear of the room

When did this happen? You were just blade on blade, show the reader what is going on.

Sensing that not all was right, Kell moved forward slowly and cautiously against his younger opponent. From what he had seen of the Hapan, Zagro would not have planned this out without some sort of trick under his sleeve.

Dante had just begun moving inward in a spiraling circle around his opponent when the remaining computers in the room suddenly began to overload and explode. Fragments shot out in a fan towards the Obelisk trooper, but Kell managed to put up a barrier to block most of the incoming pieces. Blood trickled down his face from a plethora of small cuts as he tried to turn his attention back on his attacker before this fight ended with him on the losing side.

It was almost too late as the Krath took the opportunity to launch his own assault on his immediate superior. With his saber slashing downwards and across from right to left, Zagro attempted to bisect the older Obelisk in order to force a quick conclusion to the fight.

A purple blade rose to meet the incoming attack as Dante parried with a double handed sweep to his left. Energy crackled as the two blades hit one another with such force that both men were pushed backwards from the impact. Kell immediately went on the offensive with a slight skip to his right and an immediate jumping attack with a forward downward thrust. The mass of the Obelisk combined with the augmentation of the Force sent Zagros’s blade backwards and nearly causing the saber to fly out of the Priest’s hand which would have resulted in it impaling the Hapan in the chest. With the Krath’s body left open as he sought to retain possession of the lightsaber, Kell threw an amplified punch into his opponent’s midsection followed by another amplified strike by a knee to the now bent over man’s face.

With blood spraying out from the broken nose that he had just suffered, Zagro flew back and landed roughly on the floor. Fenn tried to roll over and continue the fight, but, before he could even try to rise to his knees, he was met by a brutal kick to the side of the head by Dante’s heavy boot.

The younger man attempted to keep from slipping from the light, but the final kick sent him into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Almost as if the situation was normal, Dante stood over his subordinate and said “Time for us to head back to Judecca.” The trooper activated his comm unit, looked over at Zagro once more, then turned back and said “Shadowstalker Lead to team… Come meet me down here immediately. Oh… and fire off a message to the Emperor that he should be expecting trouble. Dante out,” the Obelisk said to his protective detail that had accompanied the Quaestor and was awaiting him at the tarmac.

A few minutes later, a trio of trooper arrived with weapons drawn and prepared for a fight, but they were met with the unconscious body of the Aedile of House Imperium on the ground and the area in shambles.

“Everything is fine… Let’s just get him and us out of here,” Kell said as the three troopers moved in to carry the Hapan to their waiting transport in the main hangar bay.

Darth Renatus, 26 April, 2015 1:30 AM UTC

From what he had seen of the Hapan, Zagro would not have planned this out without some sort of trick under his sleeve.

Brilliant use of your opponent's CS. Keep this up in battles!

the remaining computers in the room suddenly began to overload and explode.

I presume this has to do with your opponent's slicing skills and setting up a trap, but you can't have your reader guessing. Show us what is happening.

amplified punch into his opponent’s midsection followed by another amplified strike by a knee to the now bent over man’s face.

This is an area you can improve and helped keep you from a 5 in story. Don't just tell us that they are amplified punches, show us. Not quite as bad as declaring a Force power, but it isn't much better in terms of story telling.

then turned back and said “Shadowstalker Lead to team… Come meet me down here immediately. Oh… and fire off a message to the Emperor that he should be expecting trouble. Dante out,” the Obelisk said to his protective detail that had accompanied the Quaestor and was awaiting him at the tarmac.

This is repetition. You lead into the dialogue with "and said", then trail it with "the Obelisk said".

Dante ran at Zagro, not so much with speed but with crisp precision. The Obelisk’s blows rang true, blade to blade glittering and illuminating the chamber and filling it with the wonderfully sanctimonious sound of glorious battle. The Primarch was a far better swordsman, but oddly he did not press the attack to conclusion.

Fenn spun around, giving himself some breathing room from the melee attack. Lancing forward from his outstretched hand, Force lightning erupting near Dante. Of course, the Hapan knew this attack would not land a killing blow, but it was enough to distract the better warrior from a swift and forceful strike.

“Zagro, I grow tired of this. Stay your blade and let us go home. You have distinguished yourself well. There is no dishonor in accepting that the battle cannot be won, not yet at least. One day you will try to usurp me, and perhaps I will be proud of the attempt. That is not today” calmly and forcefully echoed the Obelisk’s voice.

The Aedile laughed lightly, and gazed upon his mentor sharply. “Taking pity on me like this will be your undoing,” came the response “however, your words ring true.”

Fenn disengaged his lightsaber and slowly backed away from the center of the chamber. He took a knee in a sign of submission and placed his palms on the deck.

“Good. Very good, submission to my power is the only…” the Quaestor’s words ended in a hissing gargle as the lights in the chamber all burst from their housings and the surge breakers unleashed the room’s power supply surging towards the Obelisk. Smoke radiated off of the warrior who fell to the ground, still alive but disoriented.

Zagro slowly rose, dropping the tiny datapad that he had hidden in his lanvarok gauntlet. “Now my lord, the battle may end. We are indeed going home.”

Darth Renatus, 26 April, 2015 1:31 AM UTC

Force lightning erupting near Dante.

Force Shock, which you have, is not Force Lightning. That is reserved for Elders. Also, show the power that is being used and don't declare it by name.