Consular Cleric Solari-Urr vs. Guardian Duelist Mar Sûl

Consular Cleric Solari-Urr

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Shard, Consular, Techweaver
vs.

Guardian Duelist Mar Sûl

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Guardian, Seeker
Comment

The actual combat itself here was generally well written by both parties, despite a few syntax issues on each side. The environment played a neat part in the progression of the fighting. That being said, I found the general context of the fight lacking. Mar set it up well at the beginning, but aside from actually fighting, that justification seemed to be forgotten after the first post. How does Mar expect to explain this encounter to the rest of Odan Urr if he manages to defeat Solari? Why doesn't Solari try more to convince him he's not really a bad guy? What's going to happen when Mar wakes up in a medical bay? Is he just going to forget his reason for doing this in the first place?

The fighting ended, but the larger conflict itself wasn't really resolved. As a result, I'm giving the win to Mar, on story grounds, pretty much entirely for his first post.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Consular Cleric Solari-Urr, Guardian Duelist Mar Sûl
Winner Guardian Duelist Mar Sûl
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Consular Cleric Solari-Urr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Guardian Duelist Mar Sûl's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue New Tython: Visulu Marketplace
Last Post 19 September, 2015 10:03 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Vivackus Kavon di Plagia
Syntax - 15%
Augur Windos Mar Sûl
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: See individual post comments. Rationale: See individual post comments.
Story - 40%
Augur Windos Mar Sûl
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Mar set up the initial part of the battle up with what I thought was a really interesting hook. I feel like you could have done a lot more character development. The ending isn't exactly satisfying as it leaves the reason for the fight unresolved. What's going to happen when Mar wakes up? Rationale: Your first post was good, but like Solari, you didn't really do anything to develop it in your second post.
Realism - 25%
Augur Windos Mar Sûl
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Continuity - 20%
Augur Windos Mar Sûl
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Augur Windos's Score: 4.05 Mar Sûl's Score: 4.45
Posts

The natives see it as an obstacle to their lifestyle, whilst outsiders perceive it as a diamond in the rough. Regardless of the opinion, Menat Ombo is the most technological settlement on New Tython. Crammed with tall and slim towers, alleys and market squares have randomly developed where the necessary room is. You might turn a corner and see a vendor selling smoked meat from the indigenous animals, and the next corner could be a home. The merchant stalls are almost always temporary, folding easily with several clippings or a really good show of strength. Above the awnings of the stalls, buildings of various shapes and sizes crafted of sand and stone and earth create a set of interconnecting rooftops in some parts with wide gaps in the others.

It is easy to get lost in the crowds of people. As you leave the central market, countless alleys splinter out and lead to quieter sections of the city. The streets are kept tidly by maintenance droids. and the air is clean. At night, the city and marketplace are well lit, and the lights from the scattered inns create a welcoming ambiance to the twilight air.

Visulu Marketplace

As they passed through the heavy crowd of Menat Ombo’s central market, both Jedi earned curious glances from the local shoppers. Solari, however, found himself under their gaze the most. Mar on the other hand had been growing increasingly more distracted by the heavy thoughts weighing on his mind in tandem with the consistent and highly audible clunks which succeeded each of the Augur’s droid-host’s steps.

Meanwhile Solari, due to the lack of dialogue between Mar and himself, began to listen to the dulcet tones of his droid-host finding the sounds of advanced technology soothing amongst the hubbub of the market. Processing Mar’s demeanour and analysing it alongside all previous memories he had of his former Aedile, the Shard determined that the Human was not acting in his usual manner; Mar seemed worn-down, if he didn’t know any better Solari would’ve considered Mar to be ‘conflicted’ in some way.

“I have assessed your current state, factoring demeanour, gait and expression and as a result have determined there is something wrong, Quaestor Sûl - is this result correct?” The droids voice box thrummed in its familiar manner. Solari turned his head toward Mar as he spoke to him, emulating ‘normal’ Human interaction and in doing so he noted that Mar had moved his hand to grip the hilt of his lightsaber.

“You are aware, Councillor that there are many former creatures of Darkness amongst the Disciples of Urr, many of whom have been greeted to our ranks with open arms. Some of which have gone so far as to be given the honour of sitting on our Council, and yet they have not been called for their crimes against the Light and have avoided any chance at penance.” Mar took a pause as he spoke, looking at the Droid-hosts emerald eyes wielding a stern face. “I must test everyone who falls into this category, one of whom is someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I do not seek punishment, instead I must see for myself that all repent their lives of wrongdoing and have truly converted to the Light.”

The familiar green glow ebbed through Solari’s ‘body’ followed by a few whirring noises before asking another question, “and you must begin with me? Here?” Solari dramatically waved one arm to indicate his distaste toward the idea of fighting in front of the markets' crowds. Mar nodded.

“They must see and it must be you, do you understand why?” the human asked as he drew and ignited his pure-white lightsaber - the dull hum of the blade was more than enough to halt all market-goers in the immediate area. Solari’s new lightsaber popped out of a compartment hidden within the arm of the droids body and ignited his light-blue blade in response.

“Your logic is that if you begin your hunt for justice with a friend then you will be free of nepotistic judgement in the future and it will show others that nothing will deter you from this crusade.”

Mar adopted the traditional stance of the duelist form, angling his body away from his opponent, immediately going for a deft lunge at Solari’s bodily working-parts - in response Solari brought both his arms up barely in time to direct the attack away from himself. Shien’s reverse grip and stance allowed for a swift response as he punched outward, arcing his blade toward what he believed to be Mar’s exposed flank. The exchange was fast, but even within the first few strikes Solari noted that the Human had the upper hand in a saber duel - he began to step backwards guiding the Quaestor into the alleys of the Market and away from the larger crowds. He knew distance was imperative whilst dueling Mar so he could utilize all of his own assets but the Human’s Makashi allowed him to always stay well within melee range, each parried strike only allowed more insight to the Shards fighting style and skill, inevitably revealing weaknesses in his defense.

losing footing Solari processed, defeat imminent - action required. Mar’s golden hilt danced through the air as it came around for another agile strike, the Droids arm slipped in between the incoming strike and as the light flare of clashing blades ignited within the small alley the glow of sabers were subsumed by the emerald glow of Solari’s ‘core’ before a great telekinetic force erupted from the Shard. Mar, knocked off his feet, felt as if he had just been hit by a speeding skiff but the fire of combat still seethed through him - adrenaline allowed him to tighten his grip on his Saber hilt and jump back to his feet.

Solari was no longer in the alley.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 2:28 AM UTC

It seems like you have a tendency to miss possessive apostrophes. Several examples:

The droids voice box thrummed in its familiar manner

the Droids arm slipped in between the incoming strike and as the light flare of clashing blades ignited within the small alley the glow of sabers were subsumed by the emerald glow of Solari’s ‘core’ before a great telekinetic force erupted from the Shard.

It seems to me that this is just a bit of sloppy proofreading, as a number of other times, you use it properly.

losing footing Solari processed, defeat imminent - action required.

This should probably be formatted as:

Losing footing, Solari processed, Defeat imminent - action required.

Formal thoughts are usually expressed as quotes with a substitution for quotes (in this case, italics). This is not to mention the missing capitalization here.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 2:31 AM UTC

Overall this is an interesting start to a fight among lightsiders, and it makes sense given the characters' backstories and preferences.

An intoxicated freighter pilot stumbled into sight at the end of the alley. Pausing to right himself, the man noticed Mar standing stoic and with lightsaber at the ready.

“Jedi,” the man scoffed. “Waving ya fancy stick around. Creatin’ trouble. Makin’ my work harder. Get a real job, ya ship-rat boob.”

Disappointed by not receiving a reaction, the man shuffled off mumbling about the injustice of life.

Mar Sûl stood ready, surveying the area. He would not be drawn into making a hasty decision, exposing a chink in his defense. Deception and mind games are tools of the dark side and the Seeker refused to be fooled. Something caught his eye; a gouge in an otherwise perfect – by Menat Ombo standards – wall.

If he needed oxygen, Solari would be doubled over in an attempt to catch his breath. His outburst had brought him time, but knew his opening would be short at best. The Shard had launched his host at the adjacent wall digging a metal toe in, perhaps a little too hard, to help boost him the rest of the way up and over the wall.

Trying his best to remain unseen, Solari observed his quaestor from his perch above the alleyway. He took note of his own situation; his lightsaber lay inactive a few meters away on the loose material of the roof having fallen from his grasp as he mounted the crest of the wall. He slipped his robotic hand into his robes and disengaged the magnetic holster keeping his blaster secure. Slowly he adjusted his grip, careful not to make any unnecessary noise, as he watched the human below notice his improvised foothold.

His photoreceptors scanned the ally. A metal plate covering a building’s generator. A pot sitting within the frame of a window. A maintenance droid working on the street at the mouth of the alley.

Solari focused, his chest cavity blinking rapidly in response, grasping a small amount of the material scattered all around with the Force. The material rose, then shot across the alley and cascading down the opposite wall.

Mar’s head, followed quickly by the rest of his body, snapped towards the sound and motion. He scanned up the wall, certain to see his former leader at the top.

The reaction was not as dramatic as the Augur had hoped, but it was enough. He readied his blaster in a steady two handed grip. Carefully, he squeezed the trigger then began leaping to his feet before he’d seen that the shot had flown true.

The energy ejected from the blaster met the side of the pot and the perfect angle to send it ricocheting off into the path of the maintenance droid where it singed the droid’s side panel before reflecting back into the alley. Mar felt a niggle at the back of his mind alerting him to imminent danger, he moved to deflect the bolt. Not quite fast enough, the blast shot past the human close enough to burn through the fabric covering his left shoulder.

Above him, Mar saw the droid host sprinting down the alleyway well above street level.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 6 October, 2015 12:40 PM UTC

If he needed oxygen, Solari would be doubled over in an attempt to catch his breath. His outburst had brought him time, but knew his opening would be short at best. The Shard had launched his host at the adjacent wall digging a metal toe in, perhaps a little too hard, to help boost him the rest of the way up and over the wall.

The flow of events here is slightly confusing. Mar sees the place in the wall where Solari scaled up, but the impression given afterwards is that Solari has time to do a Batman impression and survey the scene for a few seconds from his perch and it's not clear to me how he'd have that much time without Mar spotting him.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 6 October, 2015 12:35 PM UTC

“Jedi,” the man scoffed. “Waving ya fancy stick around. Creatin’ trouble. Makin’ my work harder. Get a real job, ya ship-rat boob.”

This was a neat little touch, although I feel it sort of broke up the action a bit.

His photoreceptors scanned the ally.

Small word choice error there. Should be "alley."

The Human traced Solari as he sprinted toward the mouth of the alley and into a significantly more open space. Mar gave pursuit calmly following at street level, as much as he wanted to sprint after the Shard instead he gave way to caution and reached out with the Force attempting to find the location of the Droid-host, an inexplicable wave of enmity swarmed through the Duelist - exiting the alleyway was almost certainly what the Augur wanted.

Solari perched himself in the corner of the open space surveying for anything of use, which appeared to be a makeshift miniature ‘park’ to liven up the marketplace, alas the space was almost entirely empty apart from a small bench and the maintenance droid that still continued its duties and was lacked any interest in either of the Jedi combatants. An idea sprouted from the chrysalis of his ‘brain’, acting on this Solari moved himself directly between the mouth of the alleyway at the maintenance droid whilst simultaneously wrapping his silver sash around his left hand. Finally he pulled his WESTAR-35 and twirled it around one of his fingers, emulating what he had seen many fleshy digits do in order to display confidence.

The Quaestor stopped, he could clearly see Solari standing at the ready, his white blade shone brightly in the darkness of the alley, He can see me. I can see him, surely he knows I can close this distance Mar thought to himself as he his saber ready but had still made no action, the whole situation felt out of place, the Shard was the most intelligent being that he had ever encountered and as such he found it incredibly unlikely that his enemy would have made such a simple mistake.

“What’s your play?” Mar asked bluntly, “You know I can be on you in seconds with you standing there.”

“Correct, I wish I could say I am ‘tired’ of running. But ‘bored’ may be the appropriate word.” the droid-hosts green glow intensified as its vocoder hummed each word monotonously. “I have calculated that this space currently offers me the greatest chance of victory so far, although the odds are still in your favour.”

Mar had heard enough, something was wrong but waiting would achieve nothing. Each step he made echoed off the walls of the empty alley the sounds began to overlap as he broke into a slow-sprint toward the Augur. Almost immediately in response the maintenance droid’s limbs seemed to stand at attention before stepping in front of the Human’s path.

“Apologies” Solari whirred as he controlled the maintenance droids movement. The former Headmaster studied Mar as he went to strike the droid away from his path.

Range satisfactory Solari deduced Fire

A volley of blaster fire sank into the droid before the Quaestor causing it to short-circuit attacking his sight with extremely intense crackles of the droids now open and severely damaged working-parts. The attack had been timed perfectly, Mar had already arced his arm to cut the droid away and was no in no position to stop himself doing so. As his blade melted through the remains of the maintenance droid blaster began to fly toward its intended target - a sprinting and relatively undefended Human.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 6 October, 2015 12:59 PM UTC

Almost immediately in response the maintenance droid’s limbs seemed to stand at attention before stepping in front of the Human’s path.

It could be a little clearer how Solari accomplished this. Mechu Deru? Telekenesis? Slicing? This isn't a realism error, since he could conceivably do it any of these ways, but just a bit of a missed opportunity.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 6 October, 2015 1:05 PM UTC

A volley of blaster fire sank into the droid before the Quaestor causing it to short-circuit attacking his sight with extremely intense crackles of the droids now open and severely damaged working-parts. The attack had been timed perfectly, Mar had already arced his arm to cut the droid away and was no in no position to stop himself doing so. As his blade melted through the remains of the maintenance droid blaster began to fly toward its intended target - a sprinting and relatively undefended Human.

The punctuation choices here are a little awkward. Were I editing this post, I'd suggest the following:

A volley of blaster fire sank into the droid before the Quaestor[,] causing it to short-circuit [and] attacking his sight with extremely intense crackles of the droid[']s now open and severly damaged working-parts. The attack had been timed perfectly[;] Mar had already arced his arm to cut the droid away and was in no position to stop himself [from] doing so. As his blade melted through the remains of the maintenance droid, [the] blaster [bolts] began to fly toward [their] intended target - a sprinting and relatively undefended Human.

Three super-compacted bolts of energy particles past cleanly through the maintenance droid before the Human was able to react. The first turned a patch of once shiny metal over Mar’s shoulder into a darkened hue as the bolt deflected into the distance. The next two burnt through cloth and burnt the flesh of the duelist’s upper arm.

Mar Sûl grimaced as he rolled out of the way of any more blaster bolts, though he kept his composure enough to roll over his unharmed left shoulder and bringing himself back onto two feet, facing away from where he and his opponent were.

As he spun, hoping not to lose the droid-host in the commotion, he heard a scream from the distance. The deflected bolt apparently did not find its way out of harm’s way. ‘A’lora is probably already writing up a reprimand for that one,’ he sighed but put the thought aside as he caught the parting glimpse of Solari’s droid running into another alleyway.

‘Not this time.’

Mar broke into a sprint, determined not to give his opponent enough time to set another trap. Unfortunately for the Human, Solari did not need much time, his plan to end this disturbance was significantly less elegant but hopefully much more immediately, and conclusively, effective.

The Shard watched, by aid of his quad-array for green photoreceptors, as his Questor rounded the corner into the alley. He focused on the computerized workings of the generator sticking out of the wall towards the mouth of the alley. There was a loud crack and the instantaneous smell of ozone. Uncontrolled electricity arced from within the generator’s cooling grill and connected with the discolored metal plate over Mar’s right shoulder. The current traced through the human’s body, finding an exit through feet as they struck the ground.

Mar’s muscles convulsed involuntarily, his jaw clenched shut with his lips curled back in what Solari surmised to be a display of intense pain.

‘I’m sorry, my friend,’ Solari emitted calmly through his droid-host as he walked calmly to beside the Human and slammed his Silver Sash wrapped forearm into the back of its head and neck. Mar slumped down onto the ground unconscious. I’m glad that morsel of biology rung true, Solari thought as he dragged the motionless form over to a wall and leaned it up against it in what he though looked like a comfortable posture.

Sure that Mar would soon recover, Solari left to continue with his own business as if nothing had happened. Classic Mar, he let out an audible ‘chuckle’ which scared a young child that was close enough to hear the strange electronic noise.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 6 October, 2015 1:10 PM UTC

The use of single quotes rather than the standard " marks in this post is confusing to me. It gives the impression that the statements aren't quite spoken aloud, but you also use italics to designate coherent thoughts, so I'm not quite sure if you're intending those to be spoken words or what.