Warrior Armad vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Krath Priest Armad

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Umbaran, Krath, Techweaver
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

All in all there was nothing bad about this Rivalries match. You both presented a fully formed story with a beginning and an end. However, neither elevated that story into higher territory and just left a feeling that seemed like this was a case of "going through the motions". There was a lacking of emotional engagement that would really elevate the experience for the reader.

You both had issues present, that you can review in the comments for more details. Keep working on this though, and you both will see success in the ACC.

With the facts laid out in the rationale and the comments, the victor by a slim margin is Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj.

Hope to see more from you both.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Armad, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Armad's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 4 September, 2015 12:36 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Armad
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: From a technical and flow standpoint, there was nothing wrong with your syntax that I could see. Rationale: Many simple issues that have a nasty habit of piling up. Take a look at the comments to see more.
Story - 40%
Deleted Armad
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You presented a fully formed story based off of what Armad gave you to work with, but you just kind of... Left it as is. There was no progression of the topic, no interesting spin to add to the story. Overall, it just maintained the status quo and had you following Armad's lead rather than enhancing it. Rationale: You did a good job setting up the scene, but the rest of the story wasn't particularly engaging for a reader. The establishing sections were good, but there was a distinct lacking of anything that would hook a reader in and make them want to know more about the story and the characters. Great base to work off though. Keep it up.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Armad
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Please refer to the comments, there were some issues in regards to adhering to your opponent's character sheet. Rationale: You had an issue with realism when it came to properly conveying the damage that Force Lightning does to a character, and how quickly your character recovered.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Armad
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Same as with your opponent, the glow of the crystal that was introduced in the first post is ignored for the entirety. Rationale: You introduced the fact that Andrelious could see the glow of your crystal in your jacket, and then dropped that fact for the rest of the story.
Deleted's Score: 3.5 Armad's Score: 3.45
Posts

Crystal Cave

In the planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty in this world. Dispersed around the untamed planet are flaws; cracks formed through thousands of years. Water rushing and destroying cliffs, racing and scooping away the soil beneath your feet and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine close to the planet’s core darkens deeper down until the bottom remains a mystery. The benefit of this is that no-one heads directly down instead using technology to bore a tunnel from the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this region is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of the explorers who met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent, remaining as a warning to those who might venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or were murdered remains a question in the long-lost histories of the ravine.

In front of you is the base floor of the ravine. Opening only at random times because of the glacier sheet, you used the bore tunnel to find your way here. This level is pitch black and a headlamp was given before you left for the planet. The sides of the ravine stretch vertically, as if they scrape the whistling and snowy clouds above. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, and you can tell this by the icicles forming on the lip of the tunnel. Others were temporary shelter for climbers. But with some luck, you may find the permafrost chamber tucked into its haunted depths. A vast room of permafrost crystals rarely found, and thought only to be on Hoth.

Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, multi-coloured clusters of lightsaber crystals reflect the light into the deepest crevices from the surface. Untouched for a millennia, the value in this chamber once sparked an entire battle between the Old Republic and the Empire. Be warned - caution must be exercised, or you might find yourself joining those who came before.

Armad had felt a pull the moment that he set foot on this bottom level. He couldn’t really tell what it was, he just knew that he must follow to wherever it leads him. He had passed several dark alcoves that led to who knows where, some felt especially dark and hungry, which he only guessed meant that there was a predator hidden in its depths. When the Force finally told him to turn down the nearest alcove, he eagerly turned to face the icicle threshold. Finding a way to enter without disturbing the ages old ice guardians, Armad found himself in a low-ceiling, narrow tunnel. It was faintly lit, from the blue icicles that were at the entrance and by a dim blue light at what he presumed was the back of the cave. Slowly making his way towards the blue light at the end of the tunnel, Armad felt the Force pulse with each step that he took. As turned a slight bend at the back, he came upon a very blue permafrost crystal, something he was not expecting to find so soon. Elated at his find, he almost missed the Force telling him that someone else was down here with him. Tucking the crystal inside his jacket, he retraced his steps back out to the main cavern.

Easing himself out from between the ice teeth at the gateway of the cavern, Armad could see a light panning back and forth as the person most likely was looking for him or their own permafrost crystals. Not wanting to give the other an idea of where he had been, Armad sprinted across the cavern to the opposite side. Pulling in on himself to minimize his Force presence, Armad kept to the darkness as he made his way back towards the bore tunnel that he had used to get down here. He had managed to stay unnoticed by ducking into alcoves whenever the light was about to reach him, but his luck ran out when he came even with him and he slipped on some small rocks along the wall.

“Who’s there!” The other yelled, as the light whipped around to center on his face, causing Armad to grimace and close his eyes against the light. “Who are you, Sith?”, he asked Armad felt the light leave his face, presumably to look him up and down, before returning to his face once again.

“Warrior Armad of Clan Naga Sadow,” Armad announced. “Get that light out of my face!” Armad demanded, and after a brief moment he could tell that the light had been removed from his face but was still pointed in his general direction above his head. Cautiously opening his eyes, he was able to somewhat finally see who he was dealing with. He looked familiar, but couldn’t seem to place where. “Decorum dictates that introductions are made all around,” Armad stated when he was at a loss for who he was.

“Warlord Andrelious of Clan Taldryan.” Andrelious stated matter of factually. Andrelious, Andrelious, he knew that name and it carried with it a weight that worried him. And then it came to him, Mimosa-Inahj, that’s who this was, renowned for his ability in a cockpit, not to mention his prowess on the battlefield.

“Sir,” Armad said respectively with a slight acknowledging bow of his head . “What brings you to Ilum?”

“The same thing as you, seeing as how you already have one in your possession.” Andrelious countered, gesturing towards Armad’s jacket. “And don’t pretend that you have no idea what I’m talking about,” he said with a hint of annoyance creeping into his voice. “I can see the glow, coming from your jacket.

“Straight to the point, I can respect that,” Armad said making a gesture of his own towards Andrelious’ headlamp. “But I don’t think so.” With that, and a slight flick of his hand, Armad targeted the circuitry in the headlamp, doing just enough damage that the light went out. Jumping to his side, Armad barely dodged the lightning that emanated from Andrelious’ fingertips. Knowing that he didn’t want to get caught by that, Armad pulled his Fire Whip from his belt with the knowledge that his lightsaber would quickly give away his position. Opening himself fully to the Force, he set about to use his advantage in the darkness in crippling his superior opponent, so he could escape with his crystal.

Darth Renatus, 5 September, 2015 3:06 PM UTC

I would have liked to see more emphasis placed on the fact that you do not require much, if any, light to navigate based on your Species. Feels like a missed opportunity.

As turned a slight bend at the back, he came upon a very blue permafrost crystal, something he was not expecting to find so soon.

"As turned" should have a "he" in the middle, or some other identifier.

“Who are you, Sith?”, he asked Armad felt the light leave his face,

The question mark and comma are redundant here, especially with the comma misplaced outside the quote.

Andrelious, Andrelious, he knew that name and it carried with it a weight that worried him.

This is awkward repetition that would be better suited for obvious thought based dialogue than narrative.

“Sir,” Armad said respectively with a slight acknowledging bow of his head .

A nefarious single space inserted itself before the period!

With that, and a slight flick of his hand, Armad targeted the circuitry in the headlamp, doing just enough damage that the light went out.

Would have liked to see a more descriptive use of the power rather than just a flick of your hand.

With Armad’s destruction of his only light source, Andrelious had been plunged into darkness. He took some solace from his belief that the Sadowan couldn’t see, either, as he probed the area with the Force, looking for Armad’s imprint. Finding the Warrior moving away from him, Mimosa-Inahj hurled the useless headlamp towards the Sadowan, before prepping his E-11. He had considered giving chase and engaging Armad with his lightsaber, but his instincts warned him off.

A loud thud, followed by a slightly quieter shattering sound, indicated that Andrelious’ throw had missed its intended target. The Warlord cursed under his breath. He aimed his blaster at the area that he had sensed Armad, squeezing its trigger several times. The shots were incredibly well aimed, but the Warrior had been expecting the attack. He dove behind a nearby rock, allowing the blaster bolts to slam harmlessly into the cave’s wall.

Sensing that his prey had gone into hiding, Andrelious stowed his E-11, and activated his lightsaber. Its blade lit the area around the Warlord an intense crimson, both lighting his way and giving away his position. It was at that moment that Armad leapt out from his safe position, and sprinted at the older Sith, quickly reaching speeds that Andrelious could only dream of. As he came into range, Armad lashed out with his fire whip. The Warlord dodged, having heard the Force scream a warning at him, but the whip’s speed, combined with his opponent’s pace, was far too much to avoid completely. The unusual weapon made contact with his back, burning through his shirt and scorching his flesh. Andrelious winced with the pain, and turned as fast as he could, angrily slashing at thin air as the Sadowan ran safely out of his newfound enemy’s reach.

Smiling at his success, Armad spun quickly around, charging in again. This time, however, Andrelious was better prepared. The Warlord deactivated his lightsaber, once again making the area pitch black. As his opponent raced in, the Human stuck his leg out over Armad’s path right as the Warrior was about to pass. Colliding with the outstretched leg, Armad tripped, but was able to turn the fall into a graceful somersault. Andrelious reactivated his lightsaber, hoping to see a fallen Sadowan, but was instead treated to the sight of the Umbaran rolling back onto his feet. Cursing again and turning his lightsaber off, the Warlord moved closer to one of the walls.

Try charging at me now. You’ll run straight into the wall, Andrelious thought to himself as he pinpointed his opponent’s Force imprint.

“Confident, aren’t you?” Armad yelled, his accented voice echoing throughout the cave.

“So you can read thoughts. And you can run. Come and face me, Umbaran. Come and learn how to fight. Come and learn what being a Sith is about!” Andrelious answered.

Darth Renatus, 5 September, 2015 3:06 PM UTC

As his opponent raced in, the Human stuck his leg out over Armad’s path right as the Warrior was about to pass. Colliding with the outstretched leg, Armad tripped, but was able to turn the fall into a graceful somersault.

This is a bit of a realism error, due to the Umbaran feat "Paint it black" which allows them to see in the dark with essentially very little light and his +2 of Precog. In this case, the glow of the permafrost crystal in his jacket that you seem to have left out of your entire post as at least a small point of reference.

“So you can read thoughts. And you can run. Come and face me, Umbaran. Come and learn how to fight. Come and learn what being a Sith is about!” Andrelious answered.

He can what? Telepathy is not on Armad's sheet and Sense just grants an idea of intentions, not actually reading thoughts. If this was meant as an in character joke that Armad happened to comment in time with Andrelious' thoughts then it was executed poorly. Either way, its a mark against you.

Really wanting to take the Warlord’s challenge to prove to himself that he is as much of a warrior as the next Sith, but he also knew that Andrelious outmatched him in terms of raw power in the Force. He would have to play to his strengths and work to keep his actions in the dark, as it were, if he was going to make it out of this cave. Since Andrelious had moved himself against a cave wall, Armad’s path was clear to escape up the bore tunnel before his opponent knew what he was doing. He entertained that thought for the briefest of moments, that was not the Sith way. If the Warlord wanted to ‘teach’ him a lesson on fighting, this Warrior will also ‘teach’ him what it means to challenge an Umbaran in the dark.

Being fully aware of his opponent's location, Armad switches his Fire Whip to his left hand and pulls out his lightsaber, but doesn’t ignite it just yet. Every time that Andrelious has ignited his own lightsaber, even just these quick on off to see where he was, was enough that it flash blinded him. He would have to work hard to either keep both lightsabers off as much as possible, or force Andrelious to only light his when he himself was not looking in that direction. Knowing that if he pulled his presence in, Andrelious would ignite his lightsaber more to see where he was at, thus blinding him again. He decided to instead utilize his speed, agility and proficiency with the whip to wear the Equite down enough that he can claim victory.
“As you wish,” Armad stated with an almost feral grin. Armad snapped his whip out to his side, firstly to initiate the duel between the two Equites, and to also slightly distract the Seeker. Jumping forward into a sprint towards Andrelious at the same time, Armad was pleased to see that his distraction worked, as his opponent’s head quickly snapped in the direction of the sound. Which gave him all the advantage he would need on this initial confrontation. Armad was within three steps of Andrelious when he saw his turn his head back to face the shadow that was bearing down on him, and on that next step Armad jumped to his right, and lashed out with the whip, striking Andrelious’ left arm, burning through his clothing and scorching another mark in his flesh. He had hoped that this would cause him to limit his use of that arm, but all it seemed to do was let Andrelious know exactly where he was.

With a roar of anger, the Warlord raised his left hand at Armad as electricity started to crackle and form on the tips of Andrelious’ fingertips. “Oops.” Armad thought as he realized that he jumped right into that. Knowing that there was no possible way for him to completely block a blast of Force Lightning from a superior Equite, Armad through up a hasty barrier at the last second to hopefully absorb just a little of it. It worked, barely, blocking the initial forks of lightning, but the pure raw power that Andrelious was able to command was just too much. Armad was able to withstand the first couple of seconds, but after that the electricity that was splaying across his body was enough to force him to his knees.

The pain was excruciating, and the light from the lightning was so bright that it blinded him for a few moments. When the light finally faded enough that he could see a little, and what he saw was a very large boot that was moments from smashing into his head. Well there was no way that he would be avoiding that, he thought, Trying to lessen the force of the blow, Armad fell backwards as Andrelious’ boot started connecting with his face, and used that force to turn it into a backwards roll. The roll took him back into the shadows, where regaining his feet, Armad dashed to his left to make himself a difficult target to track and target. Seeing as how he knew that he would be extremely hard-pressed to actually defeat the Warlord, Armad decided that he just needed to incapacitate him and escape with his crystal. After a couple of steps, he turned and darted in towards Andrelious, who still had his outstretched arm still up, but was still trying to locate him. A few feet from coming into lightsaber range of the Warlord, Armad jumped forward with the to pommel striking Andrelious in the head with the intent of knocking him out. His attack all depended on the Warlord not igniting his lightsaber, which would in turn cause him to ignite his as well, lest he get cut in half on Andrelious’ saber. It all came down to luck now.

Darth Renatus, 5 September, 2015 3:08 PM UTC

Being fully aware of his opponent's location, Armad switches his Fire Whip to his left hand and pulls out his lightsaber, but doesn’t ignite it just yet. Every time that Andrelious has ignited his own lightsaber, even just these quick on off to see where he was, was enough that it flash blinded him.

You were tense dancing throughout this section.

He decided to instead utilize his speed, agility and proficiency with the whip to wear the Equite down enough that he can claim victory.

Show, don't tell. Letting the reader see how he is using these rather than dictating it out will raise your story score.

Jumping forward into a sprint towards Andrelious at the same time, Armad was pleased to see that his distraction worked, as his opponent’s head quickly snapped in the direction of the sound.

This section would have worked better as separate sentences.

Armad was within three steps of Andrelious when he saw his turn his head

Should be "he saw him turn his".

“Oops.” Armad thought as he realized that he jumped right into that.

Comma instead of a period in the quote for sentence flow.

Armad through up a hasty barrier at the last second to hopefully absorb just a little of it. It worked, barely, blocking the initial forks of lightning, but the pure raw power that Andrelious was able to command was just too much.

Should have been "threw". Additionally, barrier doesn't really work against Lightning, as it is an energy based attack. Deflection would have been the ability to use.

The roll took him back into the shadows, where regaining his feet, Armad dashed to his left to make himself a difficult target to track and target.

This isn't realistic to the damage you just described yourself taking, you recovered far too fast.

As the Warrior flew in, Andrelious, having been forewarned as to what his enemy was doing, thumbed the activation switch of his lightsaber. The crimson blade came to life with a sharp snap-hiss. Armad cursed and activated his own lightsaber, quickly altering his trajectory slightly so as to avoid giving his opponent an easy target.

Once again the two Sith began to duel, the taller and younger of the two flashing his blade around rapidly in an attempt to beat his slower, more experienced rival. Andrelious was finding the Sadowan far harder to defeat than he had expected, but kept striking with determined, powerful blows, not daring to give Armad even the slightest hint of an opening. He’d seen enough of the Warrior’s fighting to know that doing so could prove fatal.

After another exchange of blows allowed him to force the Sadowan’s blade to lock with his own, Andrelious saw his chance and hit with another wave of lightning. Armad pulled out of the lock to avoid the powerful current, but doing so left him vulnerable to a follow up. Andrelious slashed forward as the lightning died back down, but the Umbaran, still incredibly light on his feet, managed to dodge that attack, too. The Seeker snarled in frustration, yet managed to keep his nerve.

It was now Armad’s turn to appear to take the initiative as he continued his fast paced attacks, the curvature of his saber’s hilt only helping to further make his blade difficult to block. He moved to the left, and, almost before Andrelious had moved to block him, changed direction and attempted to move to the right, only to find the Warlord’s waiting lightsaber.

Using his short height to easily duck another attack from his opponent, Andrelious stepped back, knowing that Armad would follow. As he moved away, he used his free hand to begin to push at the cave’s roof with the Force. After a few moments, he returned to giving full attention to the duel, trying his best to ignore that a few smaller pebbles had begun to rain down among the pair.

Armad again tried a fast left-right combination, and thought he had Andrelious beaten to the punch when his blade cut through a falling stone. The Umbaran pulled out of his attack, resuming a defensive stance, and afforded a quick glance at the roof. To his horror, he realised that Mimosa-Inahj’s manipulation of the roof, whilst small in its initial impact, was beginning to start a chain reaction. Ever larger rocks soon fell, but Andrelious seemed to not care, and kept attacking, testing every inch of the Warrior’s defences.

“Are you insane? We’re both going to die here!” Armad yelled. He found himself forced to use his lightsaber for two things at once; both defending himself from parts of the collapsing roof, and from Andrelious’ continuous attacks. Eventually, the Sadowan’s patience snapped and he charged for the cave’s exit, hoping that his opponent would take that as the cue to begin his own escape.

Both Sith sprinted out of the cave, Armad far faster than his opponent, but soon stopped within a few feet of each other once well clear of the danger zone. Once again, their blades met, their attacks full of venom towards one another.

The intensity of the battle had begun to take its toll on the two combatants. Armad was a little slower, whilst Andrelious’ blows were less powerful than before. Reaching high above his body, Armad tried to take advantage of his superior height to end things, but, with fatigue now affecting his decision making, he’d neglected to adequately defend his lower half. With a growl, Andrelious ducked, slashing forwards directly at his opponent’s knees. His weapon cut through the Warrior’s left leg in one swift movement, destroying bone, flesh and tissue alike, leaving the Umbaran standing awkwardly on his remaining leg. With no time to adjust for the sudden change in his centre of gravity, Armad fell to the ground, screaming in agony. The crystal he had come for dropped out of the inside of his jacket, sliding along the rocky ground. Andrelious smirked at the Sadowan, before calling the crystal to his hand.

Pocketing the stolen item, the Warlord walked away, staring at Armad as he moved out of his defeated opponent’s sight. He still had the difficult task of getting back to his ship without a light, but he had got what he came for. Gaining a new rival was an unexpected bonus.

You fought well, Sadowan. One day you will seek me out for revenge. But I will ALWAYS be ready, Andrelious warned, speaking via the Force.

Armad lay on the ground, cradling the remaining stub of his severed leg.

One day indeed.

Darth Renatus, 5 September, 2015 3:09 PM UTC

One day indeed.

Bit awkward here. Not sure if Armad is supposedly responding or if this is continued from Andrelious' message.