Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Sith, Marauder, Imperial
Comment

This match was pretty cut and dry. Andrelious' writing was solid, if a little underwhelming. Brimstone made several unforced errors. I'd have liked some explanation from either of you to have explained a bit why either character was on the planet in the first place.

Victory goes to Andrelious.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 29 August, 2015 3:48 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Vivackus Kavon di Plagia
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Just be careful with the large paragraphs that involve a lot of combat. Rationale: See the comments for individual posts. I'm including as a syntax error the confusing writing in the beginning of your last post here, rather than as a continuity error, since it's unclear writing first and foremost.
Story - 40%
Deleted Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: For both of you, the story was fairly boilerplate. It was a random encounter between two members of different Clans. Not a lot was done to explain why you were there on Mustafar. Rationale: Same as Andrelious
Realism - 25%
Deleted Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No issues Rationale: So... how did Brimstone know Andrelious' pet name for his wife? You can generally infer reasonable knowledge about a random member. Ex-imperial? Sure. From Taldryan? Ok, that's reasonable. But going from never seeing this person before to knowing his wife's name (remember, Andrelious never even told Brimstone what *his* name) really stretches it for me. I think you want it to be that Brimstone sensed it through the Force, but that's a detail that's pretty far and beyond what the power is capable of at an average rank. Sense really won't tell you details with that level of granularity, pretty much at all. You can sense people around you, you can sense their emotions. At high ranks, I can even buy that you can sense that they've got a loved one that they care about a lot who they'd do anything to protect, but the level of detail just isn't realistic with what you wrote as coming easily. Additionally, your last post didn't really read like Brimstone was actually injured. Someone with cracked ribs and a punctured lung is not going to do a bunch of strenuous martial arts. It's not enough to just acknowledge the event as happening, you actually need to take it into account with what you write the characters doing from that point forward.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and putting my prior concern under Syntax rather than here (because continuity is weighted more). Be more clear with your combat writing.
Deleted's Score: 4.05 Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Score: 3.0
Posts

Mining Facility

Lava is mined like a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. Opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities originally constructed by the Techno Union are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles - the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

A mechanical construct of machinery meant to extract valuable minerals from the magma trapped within its reservoir, the mining facility itself is worked all hours of the planet’s rotation by the native Mustafarians, which is bathed in an endless night, illuminated only by the molten rock. Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

The heat of Mustafar had bothered Andrelious from the second that the Warlord had arrived on the planet. He was far more used to, and far more comfortable with, the far colder mountain climate that he and his wife Kooki resided in back on Karufr.

As he walked along one of the many walkways that linked the mining facility together, Andrelious began to feel another Force user nearby. The Force told him that the presence shared his dark alignment, and that it too sparked with the confident energy of an Equite. Curious as to who it was, the Warlord followed his senses, tracking down the mysterious Force user.

In almost no time at all, Andrelious was able to put a face to the feeling. Making his way out of the facility was a tall, heavily built blue skinned alien that the Warlord quickly identified as a member of the Chiss race. The pair met halfway along a walkway, equidistant between two of the facility’s buildings.

“Identify yourself,” the Chiss declared simply.

“I think not, Chiss. Who I am is of no concern to you,” Andrelious shot back.

The Chiss glared at the Warlord with his piercing red eyes. “I ask you again. Identify yourself,”

“You will tell me who you are, first,” the former Imperial replied, waving his hand in an attempt to manipulate his fellow dark Jedi’s thoughts.

“I will tell you I am, first,” the alien mimicked. “I am Seabr’imsto’nedansr. But your coreward languages prefer to call me simply Brimstone.”

A little surprised that such a move had worked, Andrelious quickly tried to figure out how he knew the name. Plagueis. Likes to think of himself as some kind of tactical genius. Typical Chiss. the Warlord thought to himself.

“Now I have told you who I am, Human, care to tell me who you are? And what you’re doing here?” Brimstone questioned.

Andrelious chuckled. “I’m afraid it’s not going to work that way, Brimstone. You may be foolish enough to reveal yourself, but I shall do no such thing. I don’t think I’d be much of a Sith if I volunteered such information to an enemy agent,”

“It doesn’t matter to me. You’re not of Plagueis. That’s reason enough to kill you,” the Battlemaster answered. And he meant it.

“Just try it, you red eyed bastard. You’re not on the deck of the Ascendancy now,” the ex-Imperial snapped, his hand moving to the hilt of his lightsaber. Pulling it from its clip, Andrelious thumbed the activation switch, bringing its crimson blade to life with a sharp snap-hiss. Brimstone, clearly having had enough of the conversation, mirrored the action with just enough confidence to make Andrelious doubt himself momentarily.

The two Sith stared across the walkway, each inviting the other to approach. Eventually, Brimstone’s patience appeared to snap first, and he stepped forwards, rotating his lightsaber to prevent Andrelious from hitting him with any kind of Force attack.

“So you can hold a blade!” the Human laughed. “Let’s see how well you can use it!”

As the Chiss approached, Mimosa-Inahj extended his left arm. Powerful tendrils of lightning burst from the Warlord’s fingers, but Brimstone held his weapon firm, using it to parry the attack, forcing its energy to loop around to its source. Seeing what was happening, Andrelious stepped back, terminating the Force lightning.

Vapaad. Frak.

“Still want to see how good I am?” Brimstone hissed.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 1 September, 2015 12:21 PM UTC

He was far more used to, and far more comfortable with, the far colder mountain climate that he and his wife Kooki resided in back on Karufr.

Slightly awkward repetition of the word "far" here.

Brimstone watched as the recoiling blue lightning he arc back dissolved into nothing before it hit its target. He was sure that his adversary's initial attempt at mind manipulation was the true calling of his control of the Dark Side of the Force.

As the human wavered in his initial assault, the Battlemaster studied his demeanor to try to figure out exactly who he was dealing with. He was similarly dressed like himself in a black combat suit, which contrasted with the streaks of gray hair he sported. And despite his common human appearance, something was familiar about him. Perhaps a simple mind probe could reveal his identity thought the Chiss to himself.

"I see by your attire that you are or were former imperial, so you, I assume, are a Talydrian?" smirked the Chiss. He then raised his blade and gave him a customary salute.

As the human witnessed the military traditional salutation, he lifted his blade up in front of him and returned the courtesy. That's was all the Chiss needed to telekinetically retrieve the E-11 blaster from Andrelious' side holster and straight into his grasp. This momentarily caught the human off guard as he exclaimed "hey!" almost immediately, but then quickly regathered his composure.

Brimstone noticed how easy he was distracted. "It is very typical of an Imperial to wield a basic standard issue firearm" retorted the Chiss as he turned it over, giving it a quick examination. "And if I may use your human terminology, saddens me, so to speak, that you hadn't prepared it against unwarranted confiscation by adding a DNA or palm print identifiers to the handle grip." Brimstone then tossed it to the side, at same instance, sending his own forks of aqua-colored lightning at it, scorching and rendering it inoperable.

Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj was seething now at falling for a simple blunder. A master of Dun Moch, it was his skill that should have caught the Sith in a precarious position, not himself. "Look, I know of your species. Arrogant. Narcissus. Egotistical. Did I mention arrogant? " he said with a acklay-ish grin. "But other than another Chiss I've met, your control over the Force is quite a feat."

"Are you making an proposition of my leaving Plagueis to join you or are you still testing my resolve, human? " was the reply as he walked back and forth in front of the seeker.

"Perhaps so. Look, you have military background, I noticed this by your stance and demeanor. Your experience on the Preeminence is remarkable. Someone could be of use in a military clan like ours...." He was cutoff when the Chiss raised his hand.

Brimstone turned to face the lava, surveying the landscape with his back against his adversary. "Tell me something, Talydrian. I've studied Sith history and clans like my Plagueis and even Scholar Palatinae are named after two of the greatest Sith Lords. One a Master, the other, an Apprentice. Yet, I see no association of past martyrs in your clan." Brimstone breathed deeply before continuing. "And to call yourself a Sith sounds blasphemous upon my ears. And as I have stood here..."

Andrelious suddenly felt a slight pang of warning as if he was being probed before the Chiss continued.

"...and what would your mate have to say about that? I believe you call her, Kooki, in privacy? Perhaps she could be persuaded to join us instead."

The Warlord heard enough as he released a torrent of lightning at Brimstone's back, but they splashed away to the side as they struck. The Chiss had raised his Force barrier just before the strike. The human kept pouring the onslaught arcs of electrical currents as his target kept his concentration on protecting himself.

Finally slightly winded, Mimosa-Inahj halted his attack. "You dare invade my private sanctuary of my mind and threaten my secrets?" he said seething, "tonight, blue man, you will find out the meaning of pain."

The human hurled himself with enhanced ferocity at the Chiss with his ignited blade, forcing Brimstone to defend himself as he countered the beast incarnate.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 1 September, 2015 1:09 PM UTC

Brimstone watched as the recoiling blue lightning he arc back dissolved into

Should be "arced" here.

"Look, I know of your species. Arrogant. Narcissus. Egotistical. Did I mention arrogant? "

Narcissistic.

Shades of red dominated the scene. The crimson of the two lightsaber blades paling almost into insignificance against the huge amount of heat and light emanating from the nearby lava flow. Brimstone’s eyes, too, usually in contrast with their surroundings, seemed to fit in almost perfectly. None of those things were as prominent for Andrelious as the red mist of anger that drove him on to crush his opponent. The Warlord had been expecting a fairly simple fight against a man that he had heard of only for his apparent prowess in directing battle. Here and now, though, the Chiss was proving just as skilled as a fighter. Everything that Andrelious tried, Brimstone seemed to counter, turning the move’s energy into a powerful platform for counter attack.

Stepping back as Andrelious pushed forwards, Brimstone found himself in the entranceway of one of the mining complex’s many facilities. He moved further inside, with his opponent still furiously trying to test his defences. The relative coolness of the air came as a relief to both Sith. “Too hot for you?” Mimosa-Inahj spat.

Starting a forward lunge, Brimstone released his lightsaber as it collided with its counterpart. The Battlemaster’s weapon dropped to the floor, but its owner was far from doomed. Instead, he landed a punch directly onto the right side of Andrelious’ head.

The Taldryanite moved back, more surprised than hurt by the blow. He considered trying to electrocute Brimstone again, but quickly ruled it out. He had seen more than enough of his enemy’s powers to know that such an attack would likely be pointless. Instead, he returned to a combat stance, trying to catch the Chiss out before he had fully recovered his lightsaber. The Force screamed a warning at Brimstone, who lifted his lightsaber just in time to deflect a powerful slash away from its intended target. Not put off by this setback, Andrelious attacked again, moving towards his opponent’s lower body. Brimstone blocked this, too, but could do little about the momentum pushing his back against a nearby durasteel table. Another crashing blow from the former Imperial reduced the Battlemaster’s leeway further still, and he was forced to lean backwards over the table, its edge digging into his back. Trying his best to ignore the pain, Brimstone aimed a heel-kick at his enemy. Andrelious was easily able to forsee the attack and leapt to avoid it, but he hadn’t predicted what else his opponent was doing. With not a moment to spare, the Chiss pulled one of his charric blasters from its holster, and fired a shot at the Warlord’s left foot. At point blank range, there was little that Andrelious could do other than cry out with pain, the sound intensifying as his damaged foot landed on the ground. He did not, however, lose his balance as Brimstone had hoped.

“It takes a little more than an alien weapon to the foot to floor me!” Andrelious roared, once more letting his anger and hatred take control. They turned the Force into a torrent of energy, a torrent that lifted the Chiss high in the air, before letting him go moments later. Brimstone, caught by surprise by his opponent’s sheer determination, could do little but crash roughly into the ground, the impact cracking his ribs. Andrelious used the few moments he had to partially repair his foot. It was still incredibly sore, and still hurt to move, but the pain was a little more manageable now.

Brimstone climbed back to his feet, ready once more.

The fight was well and truly on.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 1 September, 2015 1:29 PM UTC

You sort of fall into the "wall of text" mode here. The middle paragraph is huge and has a lot going on. It's difficult for the reader to power through.

cough cough cough

Brimstone hacked up some blood out of his mouth due to cracked ribs. One of them sent a shard into his left lung, slightly puncturing it.

"Cracked ribs. Burnt foot. Aren't we a pair, human? " spat the Chiss along with another glob of blood onto the durasteel.

The Warlord used his connection to the Force to somersault at the unarmed assailant. With momentum to deliver the killing blow, he was unable to defend against what happened next. He had no martial arts training to defend against one prepared for defensive, unarmed combat.

Brimstone did a spinning hook thrust kick that caught Andrelious solidly into his protruding chin. The force of the impact causing him to flip over backwards and sent him crashing into one of digital displays, causing it to catastrophically explode outwards. Andrelious sensed a split second to use the explosion to leap out of the way, but unfortunately, the Battlemaster was ready for him as he connected with a axe kick into his right shoulder, causing it to snap at the collar bone. Andrelious screamed out in excruciating pain as he crashed into the ground.

Brimstone motioned to his lightsaber as it flew to his hand.

"Get it over with you fraking Chiss!" yelled Andrelious. His arm was useless with his shoulder destroyed.

Instead of killing him as ordered, he deactivated his blade and snapped it back on his utility belt. "I won't kill a wounded animal when it has given up" spat the Chiss.

Not to give up trying, Andrelious, with his still useable left hand, unleashed his lightning in an attempt to survive. Brimstone did likewise. Both combatants hurled lightning at each other in what could be described as a bothan standoff. Neither could muster enough power to hit the other.

As they both released their electrical attack, they both took a moment to ponder each other's next move. The Talydrian summoned his lightsaber to his outstretched hand, at the same time, Brimstone yanked up both his blasters a bit faster and shot the lightsaber out of his grasp's reach. It tumbled to the ground away from its intended target. Andrelious could do nothing, but slump down to his knees and wait for his execution.

As Brimstone aimed both charric blasters at the human, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck. Seconds later, his crimson eyes rolled backwards as he fell, face first, onto the durasteel flooring, unconscious.

Seconds later, another individual steped through the doorway. "How many times do I have to tell you, we're a team. We don't leave each other's sight. Ever!" spoke Kookimarissia, his wife, as she walked over to the body of the Chiss, kicking its foot. "Shall I finish him off? "

Making his way back to his feet, he motioned for his.lightsaber to return. "No. He had me beaten, fair and square. Let this be a lesson when he wakes up and is humiliated by his failure to finish the job" Andrelious said as he put his left arm around her shoulders for support.

The husband/wife team then left, leaving the unconscious Chiss to himself.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 1 September, 2015 1:28 PM UTC

The Warlord used his connection to the Force to somersault at the unarmed assailant. With momentum to deliver the killing blow, he was unable to defend against what happened next. He had no martial arts training to defend against one prepared for defensive, unarmed combat.

The combat here gets really confusing. At the end of Andrelious' last post, he was still armed with his lightsaber, and so were you, as far as I could tell. Why are you suddenly fighting unarmed?

"No. He had me beaten, fair and square. Let this be a lesson when he wakes up and is humiliated by his failure to finish the job" Andrelious said as he put his left arm around her shoulders for support.

You do this a bunch. You need a punctuation mark at the end of the quote, in this case a comma. It should be:

"No. He had me beaten, fair and square. Let this be a lesson when he wakes up and is humiliated by his failure to finish the job," Andrelious said as he put his left arm around her shoulders for support.