Warrior Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj vs. Peacekeeper Turel Sorenn

Krath Priestess Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Female Human, Krath, Shadow
vs.

Guardian Duelist Turel Sorenn

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Guardian, Seeker
Comment

I love being able to grade matches like this. It was funny, compelling, interesting, and had multiple unexpected events. You both did great work. Turel took his illusion to a place I had never seen before, which gave me that "Wow" factor that we look for when grading Story 5/5.

Well done to you both, and congratulations Turel.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj, Peacekeeper Turel Sorenn
Winner Peacekeeper Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Peacekeeper Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 31 August, 2015 5:50 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Alaris Jinn
Syntax - 15%
Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few errors, but nothing too bad. Review comments for details. Rationale: A few errors. Several missed commas, but nothing that took me out of the match. Review comments for details.
Story - 40%
Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You took what Turel gave you and ran with it. You brought the humour to life and continued the verbal sparring that Turel had begun, and you did it very well. The only problem was that you didn't take it anywhere unique. I loved your final post, specifically Kooki's indifference to the dig site. It was very interesting way to finish the match. I'm always a fan of unexpected endings. So well done. Rationale: Well told. Interesting. Funny. You actually made me laugh out loud on multiple occasions. Your set up was well thought out, and I wanted more combat in the first post, but the verbal swordplay won me over. You ended it in a very cliche "the fight had begun" finish, but that is one dark spot in an otherwise great opening. What ultimately wins you this match is your very incredible use of illusion. I've never see it used this way, and it was very interesting. I, the reader, had NO idea it was an illusion until you described the illusion fading away. Well done.
Realism - 25%
Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No problems here. Rationale: No problems here.
Continuity - 20%
Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No problems. Rationale: No problems.
Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Score: 4.45 Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.85
Posts

Starship Graveyard

Your senses are overwhelmed as you set foot on the planet [Oricon], the base of the ancient Dread Masters nearly lost to time. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes you as your eyes struggle to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call to you - the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

The Dark Side is strong here, but somehow feels different from other Sith planets you have encountered. You are not alone on this ancient world of nightmares.

If there is an afterlife where people are punished for their misdeeds in life, surely this is it.

Turel paused for the moment at the crest of a hill to admire the hazy view of the valley below. It was nothing but black rocks, strange plants, shipwrecks and glowing lava flows for as far as the eye could see. The whole blasted planet was something straight out of a waking nightmare, and that was before one stepped foot inside the fabled Dread Fortress. The Jedi wrapped part of his earthen colored cloak around his mouth in an attempt to filter out the harshness of the sulfuric air.

One of the trio of KUDF commandos noticed Turel wrapping his cloak around his mouth and nose. “Would you like us to a retrieve a breathing mask for you, Councilor?”

Turel gave the commando a dismissive wave. “Thanks for offering Lieutenant, but I’m fine.” He placed his hands on his hips for a moment, continuing to survey the valley. “Why can’t the Sith ever pick a nice planet to hide their trinkets on? Surely one of those dark lords had to enjoy sunny beaches with beautiful women.”

The commando chuckled for a fleeting moment then regained his composure by clearing his throat. “The archaeological site is four hundred meters due east Councilor, if you’ll follow me.”

The Jedi bowed with a sweeping gesture. “Lead on Lieutenant.”

A sharp wind began to clear some of the lingering fumes from the valley as the Lieutenant and two other commandos escorted Turel down to the dig site. The breeze was a welcome respite, but the withering heat from the lava flows still caused the Jedi to sweat under his armor and robes. As the group descended into the valley the Jedi could feel the weight of the pervasive dark side slowly crushing him like an invisible vice. “The sooner we get off this cursed rock the better,” he remarked to no one in particular as he hopped down from the husk of an ancient landing craft.

The Lieutenant held up his arm for the party to halt. “This is bravo-six, go ahead. I see. The Councilor is here with me, we will be right there just hold position until we get there!”

Turel cocked an eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

“There’s a standoff at the dig site with some forces from Taldryan.”

The Jedi rolled his eyes in irritation. “Of all the cursed rocks in the universe-” He sighed under his makeshift scarf. “Let’s hurry!”


When Turel and the commandos arrived at the dig site they found two squads of soldiers, one KUDF and the other Taldryan, in a tense standoff. Both squads had their weapons at the ready while the two squad leaders stood directly across from each other having a heated discussion.

“We have orders to secure this site, if your team doesn’t vacate shortly we will open fire.” The Taldryan squad leader asserted while jabbing his index finger at his Odanite counter-part.

“Our team was here first, you are encroaching into our perimeter, if you don’t back down we will open fire.”

The Jedi rushed down to the altercation. “Hold it! Nobody is ventilating anyone here today.” He turned to the KUDF squad leader. “Have your men stand down Sergeant, but maintain position.” The squad leader gave a crisp salute and turned to relay the order to his men. Turel turned to the Taldryan officer. “Now, are you the commander here?”

“Negative, our team leader is on her way here as we speak.” The officer announced with a hint of relief in his voice that the situation appeared to be de-escalating.

Turel nodded. “Very well, I’ve just ordered my people to stand down, can you do the same until I have a chance to speak to your team leader?”

The Taldryan officer pondered the Jedi’s offer for a moment. He certainly didn’t want to be responsible for starting a war. “We will hold position until she arrives.”

The Jedi breathed a sigh of relief and turned to inspect the site and link up with the Praxieum scholars on the ground. Hopefully, whatever they found was worth all this trouble. Before he could step foot into the makeshift tent the scholars had set up, he froze in his tracks. There was a ripple of dark side energy that even he could feel over the stifling sea of the dark side that covered the planet. No, it couldn’t be.

SORENN!” A very angry, yet very familiar female voice shouted from just behind the Taldryan soldiers.

Turel slowly turned around, suddenly very glad a squad of his own heavily armed soldiers was between him and the irate female. “Oh hello Kooki.” He uttered sheepishly. “How are the twins?”

Kookimarissa Mimosa-Inahj stormed across the field with murderous intent in her eyes. Mamma bear was not happy. “Don’t you ‘hello Kooki’ me, I heard about Mykr.”

Oh, frak. The Jedi threw up both hands in a futile gesture to try to halt the angry Krath’s advance. “Wait! I can explain, Andrelious attacked me ya see, I was just defending myself.”

The Taldryan soldiers parted to let the furious woman pass. “Stuff it! Creating a nude illusion of my body isn’t defending yourself, you sleazy Hutt-spawn!”

Turel laughed nervously. “Oh, that. Well I needed a diversion and that’s what popped into my mind first.”

Kooki’s eyes widened. “Spend a lot of time thinking about my boobs, do you?”

The Jedi’s face turned a healthy shade of red. “Um, not really? You had them out all the time for feedings. I mean they are lovely and all but-” He was interrupted by the snip-hiss of the Krath’s blade coming to life. Both squads of soldiers readied their weapons. “Whoa! Let’s not get hasty here, we don’t want a war do we?”

“I don’t want a war, I just want to cut this pile of filth’s tongue out and keep it as a souvenir.” She smiled while keeping the same intense look in her eyes. “Maybe take a few other key bits as well.”

Turel instinctively cupped his groin. “Hey! I like all my bits. I mean, this is clearly a personal matter let’s keep it that way. How about I indulge my dear friend here, who I totally respect as a friend and don’t have dirty thoughts about, in a duel. The winner gets to keep the dig site. She gets her frustration out, you guys get a show and we don’t start a war. Everybody wins.”

“Agreed.” Kooki snarled without missing a beat.

“But ma’am, we have orders.” The Taldryan officer protested.

The Krath shot a death glare at her subordinate. “I said agreed.”

“Yes ma’am.”

The KUDF Lieutenant leaned in to whisper into Turel’s ear. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Councilor.”

“Trust me.” The Jedi quipped with a smirk as he stepped in front of his squad of soldiers and ignited his own saber. The Krath and the Guardian circled each other for a few moments before Kooki made the first move, charging straight at her opponent with a diagonal two-handed strike intend to cleave the Jedi from shoulder to waist. Turel quickly parried the blow. The fight for Oricon’s historical treasure and the Inhaj family honor had begun.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 2 September, 2015 2:42 AM UTC

dark lords - Titles should be capitalized.

they found two squads of soldiers, one KUDF and the other Taldryan, in a tense standoff. - This looked like a list instead of a description of the two squads. Try putting "tense standoff" before the description.

The feistiness within Kooki was increasing with every minute she was sparring with an old ally of hers. It didn’t seem possible that only a few months previously, Turel and Kooki had been on the same side, and in that relatively short space of time, they were now duelling one another regardless of any acts of friendship that had passed between them.

Surrounded by the broken dreams of wreckage of ancient ships gone by, seemed to portray a parallel to Kooki’s damaged life and affected persona. The Taldryan and KUDF soldiers remained several feet away from the duelling partners, leaving a wide berth safety perimeter, yet restraining themselves from attacking one another. Admittedly they were terrified of Miss Mimosa-Inahj, yet none of them spoke of this inner fear.

The Sith’s latest blow with her purple blade had been blocked by her newly found enemy, which aggravated her further. The Jedi before her was quite defensive. Once Kooki had discovered who she fighting, initially she was fuming at his imagery of her breasts previously and she was never one to drop anything, especially a grudge. The parrying of her saber thrust had taken the female by surprise, but she chose not to let it deter her spirited nature. Instead, it had the polar opposite effect.

Peacekeeper Sorenn swept his saber back round with two hands on his hilt and plunged towards Kooki’s torso. Being of a similar height to his opponent made this battle slightly easier. The Warrior was prepared for this sudden movement and momentarily her amethyst blade met Turel’s cyan weapon in the air in front of them. Both of their eyes were squinting due to the bright glows from the sabers’ connecting. The lines on their foreheads were wrinkled from sheer strength and strenuous effort being energised into this brawl. Temples on both sides of their heads were pulsating. It was a tense atmosphere.

“Should we step in, Sir?” whispered a Taldryan soldier to his adjacent ally.

“I think she has this in hand,” His companion replied. “Besides do you really want to take that chance?”

The slightly younger, yet keen soldier quietly shook his head. They both knew they were equally fearful of the female sparring.

Kooki swept around an entire three hundred and sixty degrees, hastily swapping her lightsaber hilt into her left hand and lunged hard. The Guardian was almost caught out, but was able to swiftly block the Sith before him once again. He remained rather defensive, but Kooki was far from deterred. As the blades hissed upon contact, Turel calmly spoke to his opponent.

“Let go. Sweetheart, you're ready. Let go... LET GO!”

Kooki found herself, rather robotically retracting her lightsaber blade and placed her hilt back onto her belt. Turel did the same and smiled smugly that he had managed to succeed in getting Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj to retreat. He began turning back to his KUDF soldiers.

“What happens now, ma’am?” The senior Taldryan soldier asked.

“Is it over?” queried a fellow soldier.

Kooki’s body shuddered, as she suddenly realised what had just happened.

“It’s not over, till I say it’s over!” she retorted.

Reaching down into her right boot, Kooki retrieved her DH-17 blaster.

“SORENN!! Don’t you ‘sweetheart’ me!!” she yelled at the top of her voice.

The shrillness of her voice caused Turel to feel rather uneasy. He wasted no time in engaging his saber again, yet only in one clenched fist.

“And don’t think an illusion will distract me, especially that of my boobs. Or Andrelious’ chest for that matter.” She added wryly.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Turel replied, followed by a smirking expression on his face.

With one carefully aimed shot of her blaster, Turel’s hilt was knocked out of his hand.

“CELESTIA!!!” he wailed, as he fell to his knees.

Kooki blew a small breath over the end of her blaster and began jeering at her light-sided foe.

“There there, Sorenn, I’m sure a fairy could lend you her wand instead.”

Kooki turned to discuss further actions with the Taldryan soldiers beside her, leaving Turel on the cobbled ground, scrabbling about to find his hilt, carefully trying to avoid the nearby scalding lava.

Celestia is a goddess, not a fairy. Geez. Get it right. Now where did that saber go?

The heat from the lava flow was beginning to become unbearable for the Jedi as he silently scoured about on his hands and knees. Shooting a saber of out an opponent’s hand was considered rude by principled duelists; he was actually proud of Kooki for pulling it off. The Odanite didn’t think the Taldryan was capable of a shot like that. He could feel the gaze of his soldiers on him, willing him to get up and continue the fight. His eyes began to water under the scorching heat and noxious fumes, making his search that much harder.

“This duel is over! Order your men to leave and I might let you live,” Kooki quipped while brandishing her blaster.

Turel took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “It’s not over just yet, I think I found it.” He reached dangerously close to the lava flow. “Here it- YAAH!” The Jedi’s thought was interrupted by a cry of pure agony as his arm caught fire from reaching too close to the lava flow. Kooki lowered her weapon in shock as flames spread up the Odanite’s arm and onto his torso.

The KUDF squad leader started to move toward the center and cried out, “Someone help the Councilor!” He froze in his tracks as the Taldryan squad aimed their weapons at him.

“Do not interfere with the duel!” The Taldryan officer exclaimed. The KUDF commandos remained in place, forced to watch in abject horror as their leader burned to death.

Turel’s cries of agony grew more frenzied as he ran around flailing his arms, unable to stop the inferno from engulfing him. He ran toward Kooki and collapsed to his knees directly in front of her. His eyes pleading as the flames burned most of the robes from his torso, leaving only the armor. After a few horrifying moments he slumped over, still on his knees. The Krath stood with her mouth agape - she had not expected the duel to end this way.

Kooki cautiously approached as the flames died out over Turel’s corpse, now frozen in place with the Jedi slumped over on his knees. As she peered down at her vanquished foe, she could swear she smelled the sickening aroma of seared flesh. Suddenly, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up as her connection to the Force screamed danger. The Krath started to shift backwards just as her ‘dead’ foe sprung to life and launched an uppercut with his right fist aimed directly at her jaw. She narrowly dodged the blow - if she hadn’t shifted backwards moments prior in response to the warning, the uppercut would have very likely knocked her unconscious.

Turel wasn’t finished: the hulking mass of seared flesh that had minutes ago been an arrogant Jedi Guardian continued to attack the Krath, like a corpse reanimated by vengeance and pure hatred. Kooki didn’t have time to process what was happening as she frantically tried to strike the ghoulish figure with the butt of her blaster and her fists. She attempted to aim the blaster at Turel for a point blank range shot. Much to Kooki’s surprise, her opponent moved in closer, smacking the blaster aside with his left hand while bringing his right elbow up for a quick strike to her face, all in one continuous motion. The elbow strike found its mark and the Taldryan Equite tumbled to the ground on her stomach. She yelped in pain as the Jedi kicked the blaster out of her hand.

Still on the ground, Kooki spat out a mixture of blood and saliva before spinning onto her back to look up. The charred carcass before her seemed to melt away, revealing a very healthy and unburned Turel. Not only was the Jedi unscathed, he was looking smug as ever with his usual cocksure grin.

“I have to hand it to you on that one, I thought I had you with that uppercut,” the Guardian adherent quipped as he calmly walked back to where he had been on his knees earlier, swooping down to pick up his lightsaber. He dusted the weapon off with his sleeve and kept it deactivated in his right hand. “Amazing shot, by the way.”

Kooki was rising to her feet by this point, feeling rather foolish. “But how?” She whispered absently.

Turel’s grin widened, showing all of his teeth. “Everyone knows a true performer never reveals his secrets.”

The Krath shook off her stunned disbelief, her anger rekindled. “This isn’t a game!” she shouted as she pulled out her own saber from her belt and ignited the lavender blade. Turel’s azure blade erupted to life in response with a deft flick of his thumb.

“Oh come now, I told you we’d put on a show for these gentlemen,” the Jedi quipped as he swung his blade around in an elaborate flourish, purposely angering the female further. “Now then... where were we?”

Adept Alaris Jinn, 2 September, 2015 2:48 AM UTC

“Now then... where were we?” - Don't use ellipses for dramatic pauses. A break with "{{Character}} said" will do the trick nicely.

“Right about here!” The Warrior mused, as she tightly held her lightsaber.

Full of anger and resentment towards the smug illusionist before her, Kooki prepared to destroy him. She had no desire to end the life of Turel, but to make him suffer at her mercy.

“I can easily make that vision become reality, Sorenn. Don’t you underestimate me!”

The Peacekeeper inside was trembling in fear at this threat, as he knew this long-suffering femme fatale would stay true to her word. However, he couldn’t make it obvious to her. She could smell weakness several feet away.

Not being one to take any nonsense, for a brief lapse of time Kooki attempted to appear unharmed to deter Turel before her. The female somersaulted away from her enemy, yet being slightly bruised and sore made her landing painful. This manoeuvre had created a larger space between the duellists, which Kooki used to seize the opportunity.

“I thought you said this was over?” teased the male.

“That was before you decided to put on a magic show and attack my face.” Kooki retorted.

Unusually the Sith stood still, yet still held onto her weapon tightly. Turel seemed puzzled by this decision, but slowly edged towards Kooki, similarly holding his lightsaber hilt.

Once only a couple of feet away, Kooki cocked her leg, spun ninety degrees and her steel toe cap boots came into contact with her enemy’s waist. This sudden blow caught Turel by surprise, as he collapsed to the floor in agony. Kooki disengaged his saber momentarily, and just as the Guardian began to sit up, she used her foot to push him to the ground. By this point Turel’s saber hilt was once again rolling away from his grasp towards some lava.

In a vain attempt to regain some control, he reached out feebly to try to retrieve his weapon. Kooki hastily spotted this sneaky move and stamped on Turel’s fingers. A shrill snapping sound echoed through the dense atmosphere, accompanied by a piecing scream in agony from the Peacekeeper adorning the heated ground. Kooki released Turel’s severely injured hand and placed one of her feet upon his chest, applying a small amount of pressure- not enough to crack his ribs, but just enough to cause a great deal of discomfort. “I could leave you here to become a flame engulfed corpse, dear Sorenn…” began Kooki, who was rather enjoying watching Turel struggle about beneath her.

“B….b…but Kooki….. please… H…have m…mercy.” He stammered feebly.

“It would be far too easy for me to do such thing.” Kooki teased.

“Y…you can have the s….site. Just l….let me g…go.” Turel begged.

“Oh, how kind.” The female relented, as she moved her foot.

Kooki began heading away from the area, gesturing the Taldryan soldiers to do the same. The KUDF soldiers began helping Turel to his feet. Dusting himself down, he suddenly noticed Kooki moving away from the site. “Hey! Wait!” Turel called out, clasping his broken fingers and trying not to wince.

“I told you, the dig site is yours,” he continued.

Kooki glanced over her shoulder, her hair sweeping as she did so.

“Oh that!” she chuckled smugly.

“I don’t care for a load of ancient ships. Only a sad case would care for such unpleasant forte.” Kooki tantalised.

Turel stood, totally bewildered at the Sith’s attitude.

Kooki turned to the senior Taldryan soldier, “Make sure we tell Andrelious about here. It’s his sort of scene.”