Acolyte Lo-Kain Vamielaga vs. Knight Areticus Altainatus

Acolyte Lo-Kain Vamielaga

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Knight Areticus Altainatus

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

There were several issues by both combatants in this match.

Lo-Kain, you really need to work on your grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. I highly recommend getting someone to proof-read your work. Your Proconsul, Selika, is an established ACCer and writer, and could potentially help you with this. You have a decent approach to the ACC, but you still need a bit of work. Keep it up!

Areticus, you had some grammar concerns of your own. You constantly left the Force uncapitalized. But the bigger issue was in realism. Cortosis, and likewise, Beskar, is not allowed to be possessed by anybody in the Dark Jedi Brotherhood.

Ultimately, this was your only error and this leads you to still win this match.

Congratulations, Areticus.

Keep it up, both of you. You both have a lot of potential, just make sure you have someone proofing your work.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Lo-Kain Vamielaga, Knight Areticus Altainatus
Winner Knight Areticus Altainatus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Lo-Kain Vamielaga's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Areticus Altainatus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 19 January, 2016 2:23 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Alaris Jinn
Syntax - 15%
Creon Neverse Mandalorian Dral Falgorth
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: There were a few errors, but nothing too bad. Rationale: You still struggle a lot with punctuation and sentence structure. You missed several commas. See my notes. I highly recommend that you have someone proof-read your posts before submitting them onto the ACC. This is your biggest issue.
Story - 40%
Creon Neverse Mandalorian Dral Falgorth
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: It was cliche, but you did a decent job in pushing the match forward. I loved the descriptors you used throughout and your final post was interesting to read. Rationale: The master/apprentice training match is a bit cliche and that docked you, but what really caused a bigger issue was that you constantly referred to the combatants by their names, which grows tedious. Use descriptors such as their Clan, House, Rank, Species, Homeworld, Order, etc. It makes for a much more interesting read.
Realism - 25%
Creon Neverse Mandalorian Dral Falgorth
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Cortosis is a banned substance in the Brotherhood, so having your opponent's Kukri being made out of it docked you points here. Rationale: I didn't notice any issues.
Continuity - 20%
Creon Neverse Mandalorian Dral Falgorth
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: I didn't notice any issues. Rationale: I didn't notice any issues.
Creon Neverse's Score: 3.95 Mandalorian Dral Falgorth's Score: 3.75
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

As the lights beam down from the ceiling when Lo-Kain stepped into the room. They made an almost visible beacon for Areticus who stood in the center awaiting for him. Lo-Kain walked with caution towards his master and with his head hung low. As he knew Areticus wasn’t known for his straight forward tactic’s that Lo-Kain was more attuned to.

“What’s wrong Lo-Kain you seem distracted.” Areticus asked as he turned to face Lo-Kain. “We’re here to have a nice little spar, I don’t see you doing that with your eyes closed there. I’m sure if you wanted a nap we could postpone this to a later date.”

“I’m Fine Master, I just wanted to make sure I had the real one of you first before we started.” Lo-kain looked up at Areticus as he ignited his blade, the red glow emanating from the blade was pleasing to Lo-Kain. He admired it for a few seconds before dashing towards Areticus. Areticus ignited his blade just in time to parry a blow from Lo-Kain. The two exchanged swing for swing, the hissing of the blades as they swung in the air. Combined with the clashing of the blades made a beautiful symphony to Lo-Kain’s ears.

Although Areticus was a superior duelist, he couldn’t help but notice how his reactions were beginning to be less and less responsive to Lo-Kains swings. Almost as though Lo-Kain was getting faster with his attacks. Lo-Kain was beginning to feel the surge of his adrenaline the longer the two clashed. He was on a bloodlust as he kept his speed pumped up with the Force. Areticus was starting to lose his advantage as Lo-Kain kept his speed.

“I do believe it’s time for a change here, Lo-Kain” Areticus assured Lo-Kain as he motioned his hand to Lo-Kain “You do not need to overpower me with just your saber!” Just as quickly as Areticus suggested the idea, Lo-Kain extinguished his blade while delivering a hook spin kick to Areticus’s face sending him stumbling back a few feet before looking at Lo-Kain with anger in his eyes as a small stream of blood emerged from his lip that ran down his chin. “You shouldn’t have don’t that, now I’m going to not hold back anymore” Areticus declared as he wiped it away with his wrist.

Areticus straightened his posture and closed his eyes as two images of himself seemed to walk out from behind him to the sides of the original. And again for the new copies, creating a total of seven Areticus to Lo-Kains view.

“Now this is what I like! BRING IT ON! I’ll take you all on if I have to, just to find you Areticus!” Lo-Kain exclaimed as he retook his stance. Lowering his body to better suit his mobility and keep his options for attack open. As he clipped his saber on to the left side of his belt, he replaced it with his Kukri from his left leg where it was sheathed.

Lo-Kain’s passion began to boil over as he let out a loud roar while charging at the many clones that lay before him.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 3:53 AM UTC

"As the lights beam down from the ceiling when Lo-Kain stepped into the room. They made an almost visible beacon for Areticus who stood in the center awaiting for him."

  • I assume you meant to make this one sentence, separated by a comma instead of a period.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 3:53 AM UTC

“What’s wrong Lo-Kain you seem distracted.”

  • A question mark is required here.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 3:55 AM UTC

You constantly referred to both combatants by their proper first names. This gets boring to read after a time. Try using adjectives based on their Clan, House, Order, Rank, etc.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 3:56 AM UTC

“I do believe it’s time for a change here, Lo-Kain” Areticus assured Lo-Kain

  • Assured seems like the incorrect verb here.

The Zabrak’s anger fueled his strength and speed to a quality that both surprised Areticus and intimidated him. The illusionary images kept the barbarian’s attention while the real Sith kept a subtle circular pace. He occasionally had to duck the incoming swings and thrashings, but none of Lo-Kain’s attacks were primarily focused on just one target. This allowed Areticus to brush off the apprentice’s incoming attacks and analyze his movements. At first it was hard to discern with the force infused frenzy reinforcing the speed of his strikes, but Areticus was able to note a smooth and fluid motion in Lo-Kain’s movement.

“You won’t get anywhere fighting the air, even if they look like me,” Areticus called out while allowing the imaged clones fade. “The rage reinforces you yes, however you aren’t focusing. Focus!”

The Iridonian turned with hate in his eyes. Areticus saw the face of an adrenaline fueled hulk that could easily overcome his own stature and crush his skull into dust. The mentor had to reaffirm the fact, although his apprentice was dangerous, he was also stupid. Lo-Kain charged forward with an inward curving slash from his blade that mimicked some form of claw swipe. Areticus wheeled his wrist clockwise to divert the attack away. When his saber struck against the kukri, Areticus noted that the blade remained intact after contact.

“Ah! A cortosis blade, very wise Lo-Kain.”

“Shut up and fight!” the warrior roared with an upward incoming slash.

Areticus quickly turned his body to one side as the blade barely brushed aside from him. 'He’s still too fast,' Areticus thought. Predicting the next attack would be a downward thrust with both arms, Areticus performed his retreating footwork by lifting his hindfoot and reaching back on his heel first with a slight hop on the ball before planting the other. He then lashed out his off hand with his palm forward and released a spreading ribbon of deep blue smoke to surround both himself and his opponent. As the smoke began to fill the area surrounding the combatants, he changed his position with cross steps to the side and closed his eyes with his hand still reaching outward.

Lo-Kain waved his hand around the smoke, “Enough with your tricks! I came here to fight!” The behemoth made an arcing swing into the mist only to come up short. It wasn’t long, however, until the smoke became more transparent. Lo-Kain could soon see his master’s shadowy figure and glowing blade. He gripped his knife and with a rush of energy he charged forward towards the figure. Halfway through his sprint he felt a smashing force stop him. He tried again only to feel resistance again; as if he had ran into a wall. It was an invisible wall, and with his master standing on the other side. With what rage he had left, Lo-Kain hammered against the barrier over and over. His conviction and wrath was pushed further by that ugly confident smug of a smirk on Areticus’ face.

Areticus ran his fingers through his hair and continued to watch his apprentice until he showed signs of growing fatigue, “Are you done having a fit?”

Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 3:59 AM UTC

"...discern with the force infused frenzy..."

  • Capitalize Force.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 4:00 AM UTC

“Ah! A cortosis blade, very wise Lo-Kain.”

  • Cortosis is a banned substance in the ACC, and, indeed, in the Brotherhood.

“Shut your dirty face!” Lo-Kain snarled as he kept beating the barrier with his fists, attempting to beat his way out. While Lo-Kain’s temperament did get the best of him, and his rage beginning to subside. He was more determined than ever to wipe that smirk off his cocky master’s face. “You underestimate me master!” Lo-Kain’s rage had been reduced to only the smirk his master held, he paced side to side in front of Areticus never letting his eyes off of him, stuck behind the barrier as the smoke hovered just slightly above the ground.

“You’re going to have to actually use your head to defeat me Lo-Kain.” Areticus kept his smirk as he watched the goliath Zabrak pace in front of him. “Maybe you're right master, maybe I should be less aggressive in my approach.” Lo-Kain stopped pacing as he turns his body towards Areticus and stared him straight in the eyes. Lo-Kain’s dragonesque eyes pierced Areticus as he began to feel something was wrong. Something was very wrong, his smirk was slowly fading away as he was slowly beginning to doubt his place in this battle. ”I’m only giving him time to recover, this might be a bad idea. No, he’s weakened, he’s used too much energy to be able to actually recover this quickly. He’s going to have to take at least a few hours to recover…” Areticus argued to himself as Lo-Kain slowly put his knife up and pulled out his saber once more. “Your tricks can only go so far master.” Lo-Kain growled at Areticus’s bickering.

With that, Lo-Kain reared back his head, using all the might he could muster within his body. Head butting the barrier with such power only accomplished by the use of the Force, shattering it as he kept his momentum towards Areticus.

Just as Lo-kain bashed the barrier Areticus snapped out of his small freight with his logical thinking, passing it off as Lo-Kain’s intimidation getting to him. Just in enough time to move out of the rolling behemoth that was barreling down his way. Areticus in his efforts of dodging managed to make a good slice on Lo-Kain’s left arm as he moved away. Not deep enough to actually disembody it, but deep enough to leave a nasty scar and leave it partially limp. The smell of seared fleshy was now prominent in the air. Thus giving Lo-Kain an even more reason to make his master pay for what he has done. Lo-Kain screamed in agony of his arm, as he grabbed it in his anguish.

Lo-kain began to feel his anger start to rise once more as blood began to slowly flow down his forehead from the bash. He made a vertical strike at Areticus with his saber, only to have it parried and pushed to the side, as he backed away from Lo-Kain. Lo-Kain’s fatigue was starting to creep up on him. With his arm barely functioning, on top of his over exertion of his powers. It had left him nearly to the breaking point. While he can still function properly, he knows it’s only a matter of time before Areticus will be able to exhaust him out.

Areticus eyed Lo-Kain as if calculating his weakness, trying to sense Lo-Kain’s exhaustion. Looking him up and down, watching his breathing patterns, checking for posture infractions. “It seems you’re feeling fine Lo-Kain, but how much longer can you keep it up?”

“Long enough to see you fall, master.” Lo-Kain for once gave a grin while in conversation.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 4:05 AM UTC

"...kept beating the barrier with his fists, attempting to beat his way out."

  • You used the verb "beat" twice. Try using a different verb.

Lo-Kain charged forward and shifted his velocity at the sight of Areticus’ evasion attempt. His master was much too slow for him now that the Force boosted his speed. Lo-Kain shifted to the left, and Areticus raised his blade in response. However, what Areticus didn’t expect was Lo-Kain’s grip around his throat. He raised the puny human with his right arm and lifted his feet off the ground. “So fragile,” Lo-Kain said while watching Areticus beg for breath in his choke, “How could such a small, weak man possibly call himself Sith. You are not vyshtal! You are not a warrior!”

“That’s enough,” boomed a voice from the entrance of the hall. Dressed in elegant white monastic robes walked a man and two guards clad in red armor.

Lo-Kain’s face was in shock at the sight. He dropped his grip on Areticus and fell to one knee. “Grand Master,” he addressed with humility. After catching himself from the release, Areticus joined his apprentice and fell to a knee while taking deep breaths.

“I have been watching you Lo-Kain Vamielaga. You show great promise. A tide of war is soon to come ashore, and I need warriors who follow the ways of old on the battlefield.”

Lo-kain looked up to him. He had never seen Darth Pravus in person before, only images of him. Finally, he is seen for what he is. “He is still not ready,” he heard Areticus say, “He hasn’t learned to focus himself. He sees but he does not observe.”

“You will speak when spoken to!” Pravus replied with a saber near Areticus’ face. “You are a slave to your own mind. Intellect is valued, but it is through passion that you gain strength. A feat I have seen only Lo-kain display.” He then turned to face Lo-Kain, “Rise vyshtal. I now declare you the master. You will teach Areticus how to use his anger. This is the way of the Dark Side.”

Lo-Kain then saw the Grand Master’s hand extended. Lo-Kain reached to take it, but all he could feel was air.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 21 January, 2016 4:06 AM UTC

Very interesting use of illusion here, though it's use is a bit of a stretch. Three individuals, giving a full conversation at +3, even with an opponent who has +1 Resolve and +1 Perception is a bit of stretch.

"More Tricks!" Lo-Kain snared as he quickly turned his attention back at Areticus. Which was in mid swing of a vertical strike. In response Lo-Kain grabbed his master's arm in motion with his left hand, halting it instantly. As he pulled his master closer towards him he glared at him with the blood on his forehead.

"I grow ever more tired of your tricks master. I believe it's time we ended this little game!" Lo-Kain flung his master like a shot-put ball towards the doorway from where the false Grand Master appeared. Areticus took new meaning to the phrase 'as far as I can throw you' to heart with his apprentice now as he skidded across the mat to the foot of the doorway.

Brushing off himself Areticus stood back up only to remark "I do believe it is time for lunch anyways". Areticus began to draw his concentration onto Lo-Kain as he readied his saber for another brunt attack, Lo-Kain spent to time waiting as he opened up his emotions, letting the rage flow through him like a roaring river. However, Lo-Kain couldn't draw as much of the Force to fully envelop his rage.

He didn't let it phase his assault as he rushed directly towards Areticus. Igniting his saber as he began his barrage of swings against his master. As Areticus kept his distance, he was able to keep his hold on Lo-Kain with suppression as he parried his attacks. Finally being able to keep a calmer saber battle than from before. Trying to give the impression that Lo-Kain had the upper hand however, to lure him in a false sense of confidence.

As the two's sabers clashed and sparked while dancing around the room, Areticus gave a feint as if Lo-Kain had managed to parry his attack away. Which Lo-Kain took this as an opportunity with an over extended lunge with both hands. Just as Lo-Kain began the attack, Areticus reworked his footing to avoid the lunge, releasing his hold on Lo-Kain's suppression to enhance his speed. Making a downward swing, decapitating Lo-Kain's hands while slicing his saber hilt in two.

Lo-Kain fell to the ground in pain, as his stared at his hands. "You cut my hands off!" Lo-Kain cried as he rolled on the ground.

"I hear Ophelia can fix that for you. If you ask her that is" Areticus rebutted to his quam as he wiped the sweat from his brow. "I must say Lo-Kain that was close. Your powerful, but your rely too much on the Force to accomplish the job. You have much to learn." Areticus smirked at his victory as he extinguished his saber and slowly walked past Lo-Kain towards the door.

Lo-Kain’s body didn’t even turn at first, but his muscles tightened when the image began to disappear. “You tricked me…”

Areticus cursed in his mind. He needed just a little more time! Lo-Kain was much too fast at his current state. If he didn’t find someway to hold him out a little longer, he was done for. His plan was to try to match his opponent's’ enhanced speed with the Force. However it required more time to concentrate, especially after he had recently been choked to death and used that time bowing to his illusion to recover himself.

“No Lo-Kain,” Areticus said while raising a hand to a stop gesture as the Zabrak turned to him. He noticed Lo-Kain’s eyes were dilated as they pierced into his own. Lo-Kain was absolutely livid. “It wasn’t a trick! Just listen for once in your bloody life! I was showing you what has not yet come to pass. This was to reveal to you what you could become. You are a magnificent warrior, and will someday go far. But even the greatest of warrior kings and warlords use advisors. That is my role for you, an advisor. With my guidance you will grow and rise to the top. Someday you will be recognized by perhaps the Grand Master himself. Think about it.”

The anger was still there, but it was much less than before. He was actually considering his words. Areticus had already expended a large amount of his power keeping him at bay. It was time to finish this.

“Do you really think I could go that far, master?”

Finally, it was ready. “Probably not,” Areticus replied. As Lo-Kain’s face shifted to confused and surprised at his reply, Areticus darted forward at what seemed in an instant. Lo-Kain reached for the saber at his hilt, but as Areticus was dashing past him he landed a slash at the armpit. He then pivoted his feet and ran back with a downward diagonal blow along the Zabrak’s back. Lo-Kain roared in pain and wheeled his body around to face Areticus at an immense speed. That’s when Areticus could feel it. His apprentice was already amplifying his capabilities through focus within the force, but now it is combined with the further push of his rage. Areticus didn’t think he would survive if he didn’t finish him now. His left arm had so far been immobile, with the right recently damaged. Areticus pushed his feet forward and rolled to the right at the notice of Lo-Kain’s heel lifting up to charge. As Lo-Kain approached, Areticus thrusted out his lunge and pierced the left lung. He also noticed Lo-Kain’s right hand merely centimeters away from his target’s head. His apprentice was at a stop from feeling his lung deflate. His chest was heavy with trying to breathe, and he looked as if he was beginning to lose consciousness.

Areticus then felt a heavy hand grab his forearm. He looked to see Lo-Kain’s right hand gripping his arm and pulling the pierced saber deeper inside of him. As he was doing so, he gave a monstrous growl of what felt like a mix of anger and pain. The beast’s eyes were hungry. The predator was deadlocked on his prey. Areticus was abhorred at the sight. He shifted his wrist to the right and the blade exited his body by breaking through his left ribcage. Lo-Kain’s eyes went staring into space as he released his grip, dropped to his knees, and fell onto the ground.

More work was needed on enhancing his physical abilities with the force. The after effects as it began to wear off was immensely exhausting. Areticus struggled across the area and tapped a small red button near the entrance of the sparring room that called for medical assistance. He then set down with his back against the wall breathing heavily and increasing perspiration. His heart felt it was going to explode at the tight grip from his chest at the sight of Lo-Kain. He was standing. Areticus almost couldn’t believe it. Lo-Kain actually stood, breathing heavily with his right hand crossed over his wound. His eyelids were fighting between being opened and closed, but the pupils were fixed at Areticus. He didn’t feel anger from him, rather a sense of conviction. Lo-Kain stumbled a bit, but in great pain he rose himself back on his feet. Areticus was in complete shock at the sight. Medical droids then came through the room and went over to Lo-Kain to lay him on a hover mat. Lo-Kain didn’t resist, and let them carry him out the door for recovery. One of the droids remained and turned to Areticus, “Are you okay? Is there anything I can get for you?”

“I’m fine, thank you. I’m just exhausted. Exhausted… and proud.”