Knight Tyron Kesh vs. Battlemaster Lucyeth

Knight Tyron Kesh

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Battlemaster Lucyeth

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Sorcerer, Imperial
Comment

I did the bulk of my notes above. In short, both of you really really really need to work with an experienced proof reader. Each of your respective clans have talented ACCers with experience and I'm sure they'd be willing to lend a hand.

In the end, with all things tallied up, Tyron wins slightly by nature of Lucyeth's posts being almost impossible to read without stopping to address grammatical and syntax issues.

You both need a lot more practice. You also need strong proofer readers and when they give you notes, process and learn from them so you can get better.

Thank you both for the match.

-W

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tyron Kesh, Battlemaster Lucyeth
Winner Knight Tyron Kesh
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tyron Kesh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Lucyeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 3 February, 2016 3:34 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Lord Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Lucyeth Damian Gawonii
Score: 1 Score: 3
Rationale: There are so many errors in these posts that I can barely read the match. I had to literally stop every sentence to make a comment. Rationale: A lot of repeated errors and syntax issues. A good proof reader would catch most of these. Even if you re-read your own work, or read the sentences out loud, you'd probably catch more than a few of them.
Story - 40%
Lucyeth Damian Gawonii
Score: 1 Score: 2
Rationale: There was no real story here what-so-ever. You barely tried to create tension or build off the opening that Tyron set up. Otherwise, this was very cookie cutter and bland and really did nothing to make me want to know what happens next. Rationale: At least you tried to set the scene and establish a rapport between the characters and a "reason" for them to fight. Otherwise, this was very cookie cutter and bland and really did nothing to make me want to know what happens next.
Realism - 25%
Lucyeth Damian Gawonii
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Few minor issues such as Lucy being tired or worn down with a +2 in Endurance. He's also a better Saberist and didn't really see this come out with his defensive style. Rationale: Few instances of not using the characters skills/powers. See notes.
Continuity - 20%
Lucyeth Damian Gawonii
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: Continuity hit based on how you refer to your characters rank. Always refer to the CS that's on file for the match.
Lucyeth's Score: 2.55 Damian Gawonii's Score: 2.8
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

Tyron Kesh sat crossed-legged beneath a tree in the midst of the Turu-grasslands in the Shili Savanna. During the time he had spent waiting for his opponent several animals indigenous to Shili had approached him but had immediately scurried away as Tyron used the Force to inspire fear in the mammals. Upon contemplating leaving the nearly barren wasteland that was Shili Tyron sensed another Force-Sensitive being approaching from the west. Out of the corner of his eye Tyron saw a tiny figure approaching cautiously. Once he saw that the human opponent was close enough to attack Tyron stood to his full height and realized how much of a giant he was compared to his opponent. "I didn't expect to be facing a child today why don't you run along home to your mother before you get hurt." Tyron exclaimed in a mocking tone. Battlemaster Lucyeth merely responded with two well aimed blaster bolts towards the Acolyte. Tyron had already drawn his Lightsaber by the time his human opponent had fired and swatted away the bolts to the side with ease. The Sith Acolyte then charged his opponent with his Lightsaber at his side. Lucyeth despite his somewhat terrifying appearance, was smaller and lighter than his human opponent. Physically outmatched by the brute force of Tyron's Form V, he was forced to rely on the defensive style of Form III to keep his larger opponent’s overpowering attacks at bay. Spinning his Lightsaber in a quick flourish, Tyron leapt high in the air and came crashing down from above. Lucyeth parried the attack but was knocked to the ground. He rolled onto his back and barely managed to get his saber up in time to block Tyron's next slashing attack. A chorus of Lightsaber on Lightsaner rang out as Tyron's blows descended like rain. The Battlemaster kept him from landing a direct hit with a masterful defensive flurry, then swept Tyron off his feet with a leg-whip, leaving them both supine. They flipped to their feet simultaneously, mirror images, and their sabers met with another resounding crash before they disengaged once again. The wind was beginning to build up throughout the valley, but Tyron did his best to tune it out. Tyron went on the defensive and waited for his opponent to come to him.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 13 February, 2016 11:48 PM UTC

During the time he had spent waiting for his opponent **[,]* several animals indigenous to Shili had approached him but had immediately scurried away as Tyron used the Force to inspire fear in the mammals.

Upon contemplating leaving the nearly barren wasteland that was Shili [,] Tyron sensed another Force-Sensitive being approaching from the west.

"I didn't expect to be facing a child today [.] [W]hy don't you run along home to your mother before you get hurt." Tyron exclaimed in a mocking tone

Should be a second comma after hurt and Tyron, since the sentence modifies the way the dialogue is being delivered. This should also create a page-break for the next line.

The Sith Acolyte

The sheet that was on file when you start the match is what you reference. I'm being lenient on this match, but remember that you always go with the sheet on record with the match itself.

Lucyeth [,] despite his somewhat terrifying appearance, was smaller and lighter than his human opponent.

Physically outmatched by the brute force of Tyron's Form V, he was forced to rely on the defensive style of Form III to keep his larger opponent’s overpowering attacks at bay.

Show me this. Don't just tell me about this. Knees buckling. Soresu is a purely defensive form, and despite the height/weight difference, Lucyeth is a better Saberist (+4 vs +3), almost as strong (Might +2 vs +3) so it's not really accurate to say he's easily overpowered by an aggressive style like Djem So.

Lightsaner

Lightsaber*

The Savannah was endless rolling plains of grassland to give Lucyeth plenty of room for comfort. The Dinaari that was under the tree moments before Lucyeth began his engagement caught him by surprise. His quickness made it a challenge for the Palatinaean to end the battle quick and care free. The Taldryan was large stature and aggressive in nature with each attack. The Sith charged back at the Battlemaster with speed for another opportunity. Lucyeth had his lightsaber up on the defensive, fully prepared with the comfort of much needed space. The lightsaber of his opponent clashed with Lucyeth crimson blade with brute force. The thrum and clash echoed through the desolate grasses into the gust of the wind. The sith was a giant as he looked down the Battlemaster and Lucyeth saw a scratch going across his face. Definitely a brute with a past and Lucyeth would have to be very careful.

“ I see you have a scar on your face, I guess you had a rough past grunt,” Lucyeth sneered at the Dinaari as he slashed the lightsaber at the Battlemaster. Lucyeth felt the anger grow within his opponent at the realization that he was onto something. Lucyeth moved backwards to keep his distance from the enraged Knight.

“ You know nothing about me you Palatinaean scum,” yelled The Taldryan.

His rage came off of him like a scent and Lucyeth could feel it like an aura. He struck a nerve which may not work in his favor or maybe it can. The Dinaari charged with precision speed and swung the lightsaber with powerful force. Lucyeth parried the attack but he will have to be on the defensive and wait for an opportunity with such brute power. Eventually, Lucyeth knew the chance would come, he would just have to last.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 14 February, 2016 12:25 AM UTC

The Savannah was endless rolling plains of grassland to give Lucyeth plenty of room for comfort.

that gave* ... but this a really awkward sentence all around.

comfort of much needed space.

You repeat this same word usage again.

The lightsaber of his opponent clashed with Lucyeth*['s]* crimson blade with brute force

desolate grasses into the gust of the wind.

gusts, I guess, if you're trying to be artistic here.

The sith was a giant as he looked down [at] the Battlemaster and Lucyeth saw a scratch going across his face. Definitely a brute with a past and Lucyeth would have to be very careful.

Capitalize Sith.

He struck a nerve which may not work in his favor or maybe it can.

Watch your tense usage here.

Lucyeth parried the attack but he will have to be on the defensive and wait for an opportunity with such brute power

Tense.

Tyron was furious that Lucyeth had the nerve to comment on his scar and the Taldryanite was using his rage to overwhelm his opponent with relentless barrages of attacks. Lucyeth thought the battle was over … as had Tyron himself. He was disappointed that he hadn't been able to finish off his fallen opponent, but he knew victory was near. Lucyeth's survival had extracted a heavy toll: he was breathing in ragged gasps now, his shoulders slumping. Tyron rushed Lucyeth again. This time, however, the Battlemaster didn't back away. He stepped forward with a quick thrust, switching from Form III to the more precise and aggressive Form II. Tyron was caught off guard by the unexpected maneuver and was a microsecond slow in recognizing the change. His parry attempt knocked the tip of the blade away from his chest, only to have it slice across his right shoulder. The blade had only caused a minor flesh wound but either way his right hand was now useless Lucyeth howled in victorious laughter, and Tyron screamed in pain as his Lightsaber slipped to the ground from his suddenly nerveless fingers. Mindlessly, Tyron used his other hand to shove his opponent in the chest, Lucyeth reeled backward, and Tyron rolled away to safety. Scrambling to his feet, Tyron extended his left hand to the Lightsaber lying on the ground three meters away. It sprang up and into his palm, and he once again assumed the ready position, his right arm dangling uselessly at his side; the weapon felt awkward and clumsy as he held it. Left-handed, he was no match for Lucyeth. The fight was over. His opponent sensed it, as well. "Defeat is bitter, Sith," he growled in Basic, his voice deep and menacing. "I have bested you; you have lost." He was taunting Tyron, humiliating him. "Foolish Journeyman, you were never a match for me. You have failed" Lucyeth said with a menacing chuckle."

No!" Tyron screamed, thrusting his good hand out palm-forward even as Lucyeth leapt in to finish him off. Dark side energy erupted from his open palm to catch his opponent in midair, hurling him back to the edge of the tree where he landed on the ground. The Sith Knight slowly clenched his fist and rose to his feet. On the ground before him, Lucyeth was writhing in agony, clutching at his throat and gasping for breath. Unlike the Palentinite, Tyron had nothing to say to his helpless opponent. He squeezed his fist harder, feeling the Force rushing through him like a divine wind as he crushed the life out of his foe. Fohargh's heels pounded out a staccato rhythm on the temple's stone roof as his body convulsed. He began to gurgle, and pink froth welled up from between his lips. A final surge of power roared up in the core of Tyron's being and exploded out into the world. In response, Lucyeth's body went stiff and his eyes rolled back in his head. Tyron released his hold on the Force and his fallen enemy, and the Humans body went limp as the last vestiges of life ebbed away.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 14 February, 2016 12:35 AM UTC

Lucyeth's survival had extracted a heavy toll: he was breathing in ragged gasps now, his shoulders slumping

Lucy has +1 Athletics and +2 Endurance, so he shouldn't be that winded after this short of a combat.

In General, you skirt realism issues here all the time. Tyron is using Rage, which eventually has a harsh-roll off. Even if you used Iron Skin, you're going to have a hard time fighting through a Lightsaber hit. Also, you have no Dual Wielding or Ambidexterity feats, so using a weapon in the off hand is not really helpful.

The Sith Knight

You called yourself an Acolyte in the previous post. Either way, this is a continuity error.

Fohargh's heels

Who..?

Lucyeth met the blade of the Dinaari in time to move himself in a safer position. The strength of the Taldryan’s attacks caused Lucyeth to grow tired. The exhaustion was beginning to kick in from all the defensive maneuvers with no end in sight Lucyeth thought as he swung his blade to the left just in time to keep the Knights tip of his lightsaber from singing the Battlemaster’s arm. Lucyeth stepped back three steps to get more distance. He knew this kid was good for a just knight. He had to end this before he got too tired and made a mistake that could cost him his life. The Palatinaean charged the Taldryan with impressive speed and swung wildly with his sword toward his foe. Lucyeth was met with a wall of a lightsaber that was as sturdy as the wielders confidence. The dinaari swept his feet across the ground, knocking the Battlemaster right off his feet. Lucyeth felt the anger consume him at the carelessness of his own actions. He shouldn’t of let it happen.

“You Taldrya slime, you will not get the best of me again!” Yelled Lucyeth with the anger of the dark side channeled into his palm. His outstretched hand of the force sent his opponent skidding like a rock across the grass.

Lucyeth charged his opponent while he had the opportunity to end this but a quick bang and a blinding flash put Lucyeth in a world of nothing. He was unable to see but he still had the dark side to guide him. He felt the pulse of the force from his opponent as he ducked a kick to the face but took a punch to the gut. The massive fist knocked the wind out of the battlemaster but he couldn’t let it stop him. The Palatinaean closed the distance with his vision slowly regaining focus with the Dinaari and lunged with a series of lunges and kicks. His hand met the face of his foe as he dropped to the ground. Lucyeth made no hesitation to ignite his lightsaber. The tip extended right before the eyes of the Taldryan and the gleam of hope in his eyes disappeared, spitting the blood from his mouth. It was over Lucyeth revered to himself.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 14 February, 2016 1:10 AM UTC

The exhaustion was beginning to kick in from all the defensive maneuvers with no end in sight Lucyeth thought as he swung his blade to the left just in time to keep the Knights tip of his lightsaber from singing the Battlemaster’s arm.

Try reading this in one breath. You can't. You need to break this up into two sentences or pare it down.

He knew this kid was good for a just knight

just a Knight.

The dinaari

If this is referring to House Dinaari, you need to capitalize it.

He shouldn’t of let it happen.

Have let this happen. (Poor little feller, shouldnta'done'that, he'just'a'boy)

“You Taldrya slime, you will not get the best of me again!” Yelled Lucyeth with the anger of the dark side channeled into his palm.

yelled

of the force

Always capitalize the Force.