Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona vs. Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos

Warrior Rrogon Skar

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Kaleesh, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist
Comment

This was a good match, and you should both be proud of your work here. You both showed commendable skills as writers and familiarity with our system, but ultimately I have to award the victory to the one I feel wrote the more compelling story. The winner is Celevon Edraven Erinos.

Good work, gentlemen. I look forward to seeing more from both of you.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona, Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos
Winner Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 14 April, 2016 9:28 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Syntax - 15%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some errors sprinkled throughout, but nothing outrageous. Rationale: Scattered errors in the second post.
Story - 40%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Taken as a whole, a one sentence description of the fight is pretty standard: Celevon interrupts Skar's rampage and it comes to blows. That said, you did fill in a great amount of detail and everything that happened made sense for Edraven and Skar. This attention to detail raised your posts above the average. Rationale: This was solid ACC writing, but I feel like you pushed the physical conflict between Skar and Edraven too much as the expense of the critical mission Skar was supposed to be on. It's so important and urgent that Skar can't report in to Arcona and tries to incapacitate Edraven - who's there to *help* him. But when he gets into the fight, he blows off his personal quest to torture Celevon for an hour. They were good posts, but I don't think they had that extra oomph to push this up to a four.
Realism - 25%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: All teasing about Parkour! aside, I thought you did a superb job writing the characters according to their CS and fitting in with the Star Wars setting. On the down side, in your final post you've got Celevon largely ignoring several broken bones and Skar putting weigh on a leg he was just shot in. Rationale: A few minor items, like stretching the limits of Illusion and giving Edraven the wrong rank.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors spotted. Rationale: No errors spotted.
Adept Celevon Werd'a's Score: 4.2 Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona's Score: 3.8
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

The Onderonian took his eyes off his surroundings for only a moment and reached into the smaller inner pocket of his coat to retrieve a cigarette and a lighter. He exhaled a bit of smoke, scanned for threats with silver eyes and returned the device to his pocket; all the while reflecting on just how he had managed to return to the planet.

The previous time the Assassin had travelled to Nar Shaddaa, Celevon had been an Aedile sent to retrieve his Quaestor after the events of the war had taken their toll on the man. Turel had changed after his time spent there and eventually returned to his home on New Tython.

This time, however, he was retrieving someone for an entirely different purpose.

Less than a week prior to his trip, he had been informed that a member of Shadow Gate had not checked in with the Gate Warden with their whereabouts unknown and with a little free time decided to see to it himself. Whilst searching the locations on Port Ol’val where the Sith had been known to frequent, Celevon had heard from those close to the Kaleesh that Rrogon had learned of a former lover possibly being sold in the slave trade. The investigation from those within the Dajorra Intelligence Agency and the Assassin’s own investigation revealed that the Kaleesh Juggernaut’s own search had led to Nar Shaddaa. Upon reporting his findings to the Shadow Lady, the Quaestor had been ordered to locate and aid Rrogon in his self-appointed task - Celevon was only to make certain that the Kaleesh did not reveal the fact that he was a Force User or lead enemies back to Arconan Space.

The Assassin had immediately grabbed his gear and prepared for the journey, though the sniper rifle was left behind due to the fact that it wasn’t designed with concealability in mind. Remembering something from his last trip to the Smuggler’s Moon, Celevon had detached the scope and slipped it into his pocket.

Celevon pulled the scope free of the longer inner pocket, idly taking note of the fact that it could easily be mistaken for the hilt of a lightsaber unless closely scrutinized. After checking the most likely places where a sniper’s nest would be set up and flicking away the spent cigarette, the Quaestor turned the lens towards the crowd. Thankfully, the black huk mask made the Kaleesh stand out from the rest, no matter his attire.

The Onderonian stopped and panned back, catching sight of his wayward member as the Juggernaut ducked into a building. The Assassin quickly tucked the scope away, mercurial gaze searching for the quickest route to the streets. The stairs or lift to ‘ground’ level within the building itself would take too much time and was immediately discarded. It took a few moments and several failed attempts to find the viable path. The problem?

The closest access point to that route was the rooftop of an adjacent building - the distance between the two was longer than Celevon was tall. The Onderonian stepped as far away from the ledge as possible, inhaling deeply. He exhaled and took off at a run, propelling himself into a leap from the edge of the building. What occurred in a matter of seconds seemed to take a lifetime to pass.

Both fear and excitement sent adrenaline rushing through the Assassin’s veins as the edge of the building he was aiming for drew ever closer. His gut clenched as he realized that he wasn’t going to make it.

The time seemed to return to a normal speed as Celevon’s chest slammed into the edge of the roof, knocking the breath out of him as his hands instinctively clenched on the ledge. He took a deep breath and pulled himself up just enough to plant his feet before the Onderonian leapt sideways, hands tightened around the pole of a banner. As he reached the apex of the swing, the Assassin let go, body curving gracefully in the air before he began to fall.

The blood in his veins sang as the wind rushed against his ears, free falling over a story before grabbing another pole. Without consciously realizing it, a wide grin had curved his lips as he swung to the next. Celevon carefully timed the next few so he continued the gradual downward trajectory. Before he realized what had happened, his boots thudded against the top of a stack of crates. Ignoring the reactions of those he had startled with his landing, the Quaestor began running, darting to and fro as he wove his way through the crowd.

Within moments, he had reached the doorway and continued to run, hearing the distant sounds of combat. The Onderonian withheld a groan, spotting bodies sporting distinctive burns from both blaster bolts and a lightsaber.

As he rounded a corner and stopped in his tracks, Celevon caught sight of the Kaleesh raising the yellow blade of his lightsaber for a killing blow. Swiftly drawing one of his pistols, the Assassin took careful aim and depressed the trigger. The slug ricocheted off of the wall and struck the top of the hilt, sending the weapon spinning from Skar’s hand.

The Juggernaut spun around, drawing his pair of DL-44 blaster pistols and brought them to bear, pausing as he recognized his Quaestor. The Sith growled deep in his throat. “Why did you do that, Edraven?”

With a few quick steps, the Onderonian was within feet of Rrogon, an icy glare aimed at the Kaleesh. As the slaver began thanking Celevon for saving his life, the Assassin almost dismissively lifted and discharged his weapon, spattering the wall with crimson and gray matter. Whilst he had come to respect life more in the past several months, there was a short list of those he wouldn’t hesitate with - Slavers were one of them.

“Just what the frack do you think you’re doing?” The Quaestor growled back as he grabbed the Juggernaut’s lightsaber and slid it into his coat pocket, right beside the scope. “Whether it’s the Brotherhood or Arcona, we do our jobs and do not leave evidence that could lead back to us. We cannot burn the entire building down to destroy the obvious lightsaber wounds without risking the lives of innocents! For frack’s sake, Skar, I thought you were smarter than this!”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 April, 2016 2:38 PM UTC

Syntax

Less than a week prior to his trip, he had been informed that a member of Shadow Gate had not checked in with the Gate Warden[, ]and with a little free time decided to see to it himself.

There's a lot going on in that paragraph, and that sentence in particular. For flow and readability, I'd trim it down or break it up slightly with punctuation. This is one possibility. I'm not dinging you, this is just a suggestion.

The stairs or lift to ‘ground’ level within the building itself would take too much time and [were] immediately discarded.

Story This was a nice setup. My benchmark for a first post is that I want to be able to read it and say "This is a story about X" - if it doesn't sound like a bunch of other ACC matches, that's a good thing. The premise is very similar to your match with Turel, but you acknowledge that and play off of it, and since Turel and Rrogon are very different characters in Nar Shadaa for very different reasons, I expect this match will stand on its own just fine.

I really enjoyed the last two paragraphs. Everything about them just screams Arcona.

Realism
You didn't yell "Parkour!" That horrible failing aside, you made excellent use of your Feats in this passage. I would assume that shooting the top off of a lightsaber would end really, really badly, but since we see them sliced apart in Canon pretty regularly I think you're well within the bounds of Realism here.

Continuity No errors.

Anger burned inside of his chest as he stared his Quaster down. The hold he had on his blasters began to tighten causing the knuckles of his hand to turn white. “You should have left this alone, Edraven. I won't let you or anyone else stop me. Not after I'm so close to finishing what I started.”

“Don't be so stupid, Rrogon. You've never beaten me,” said Celevon, his voice like ice.

“This isn't just about me, Celevon. Ten million credits. That's the bounty I'm trying to get revoked and now there's only one man left to kill before it goes away completely!” snarled the Kaleesh. He took a step back from the Human, tensing his body to dive out of the way of the slugthrower round that might come his way.

“Rrogon, you're not making sense. Look, all I know is that you came here because someone you loved might have been sold into the slave trade and you came to find her.” Celevon stayed where he was, knowing better than to get anywhere close to the Kaleesh. Even without his lightsaber, the younger alien was extremely dangerous.

“I guess your people in the DIA aren't as good as you think they are. Yes, I did come back to this God forsaken planet to kill a slaver, but not because she was sold into slavery. I did so because he is the one who put that bounty on her head,” growled the Sith as he began to pace back and forth.

Celevon did nothing as he watched his friend pace like a caged animal. He had never seen the Kaleesh so aggravated over something. “Look Rrogon, the Shadow Lady has given me strict orders to bring you back by any means. Even if I have to hurt you to do it, I will.” Rrogon's movement stopped entirely as the words were spoken and slowly he turned his head to look at the Human.

Celevon took the slightest step back from the Kaleesh when he saw the burning coals that had now replaced his eyes. “What would you do in my place!” hissed the Sith.

Fully turning on the Human, Rrogon began to pace towards him slowly, anger bubbling inside of him to the point of insanity. “What would you do, Edraven!” snarled the Kaleesh as he drew closer. The Human could feel his clan mate trying to breach his mental defences, but suddenly he heard a sound that should have not been there: the sound of his little girl’s cries.

Looking down at the feet of the approaching Kaleesh there she was; his little girl chained and crying. Mud and dried blood covered her arms and face and her hair was partially burned off. Rage filled the Human as he looked down at his daughter, but his attention was brought back into focus as the Kaleesh stepped right through the illusion.

“You would do the same in my place, Celevon. The same death, the same kills. All for the ones we love and is that such a crime?! No, but they would condemn us because we want to protect what we care for and I won't let that happen!” screamed the Kaleesh as he dashed forward, letting the Force and his rage flow through him. He supercharged his speed to the point of near superhuman levels. In a blur of motion, he was in front of the Human bringing both palms up and into his chest and with a roar of pure rage. He put all his might into the telekinetic strike that now forced the Human back with a hideous crack.

Celevon was sent flying head over heels as the strike took the wind from his chest, the sheer force of it cracking and outright breaking several of his ribs. When the human reopened his eyes he was lying face down on the ground, fire burning in his chest. The sound of footfalls behind him made it clear that the Kaleesh was far from done.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 April, 2016 3:12 PM UTC

Syntax
The Syntax was very good. There are a few things that I might change as a matter of style, e.g. use some question marks where you have exclamation points, but there's nothing here that I think is wrong. Nice work!

Story
It would have been a bit easier to follow Rrogon's thoughts if we knew a little about who it was he came to save. I get that Skar is way too upset to just tell Edraven all about her, but some thought process would have been a nice addition. Overall, though, this was a solid enough post without it.

Realism
You really play up how borderline-frenzied Rrogon is here, so +2 is probably a bit low for an overwhelming illusion like that. It's a minor ding, but it is a ding. In comparison, while +2 is a bit low for combat use of a Force Power (that's generally +3), your Hammer Time Feat makes it possible for you.

Continuity
No errors. I'm not a huge fan of shifting Rrogon's reason for being there in the second post, but you did it in a way that still jives with what Edraven wrote, so it's all good.

The Onderonian gasped for breath, the combination of the point-blank Telekinetic Strike and being bounced off the duracrete wall having knocked the wind from his lungs. Celevon winced as each inhale brought a new burst of agony through his midsection - he knew from previous experience that his ribs were bruised at the very least. Though, considering his lack of skill in that area, they could be broken for all the Assassin knew.

The Quaestor pushed past the pain as his terror-stricken psyche took in the bruised and battered false image of his daughter chained to the wall before him. The pain took a back seat, dulled by the ice cold rage pulsing through his veins as something within the Human snapped - whether it was the suppression on his ability to manipulate the Force or the Assassin’s sanity was up for debate. Suddenly, nothing else mattered except banishing that image by pulverizing the cause of the false illusion.

He knew he was physically outmatched by the Kaleesh, though he was naturally faster than Skar from their previous encounters. None of that mattered anymore. Primal instinct had taken over - the distinction between the parental, Human urges and the animalistic need to face the threat to his young blurred in that moment.

As the menacing footsteps drew nearer, the Onderonian absently took note of the complete lack of the weight of the weapon that had been in his pocket. Deep within the flames that had consumed his mind, the part of Celevon that was still partially rational tried to force his body to search for the Juggernaut’s lightsaber to no avail. The animal that had taken over the Quaestor spun his body, screaming a cry filled with both rage and pain as the Onderonian swept the Kaleesh’s feet from under Rrogon.

The Assassin quickly rolled to safety as the bulky form of the Juggernaut fell right where Celevon had been. Instinctively, his gloved hand clasped tightly around a cylinder of metal and leather as the Quaestor pushed himself to his feet. Within his mind, the Quaestor fought to regain control of himself. Those animalistic urges surged forth, shoving aside the Human part of his mind.

As Skar began pushing himself to his feet, the Onderonian rushed towards the Kaleesh, leaping against the wall only to propel himself off of it with his right foot. As he came down from the wall, Celevon brought the fist clenching the lightsaber hilt down on Rrogon’s face.

Agony flared within the Assassin once again as his hand struck the bone mask of the younger man, lightsaber flying from his fractured digits, though it doubled as the Kaleesh retorted with a vicious uppercut. The Quaestor felt himself tumble after his feet left the ground, the coppery tang of blood full in his mouth.

Celevon tried to push himself to his feet once more after a brutal landing, only to cough out a small gush of the viscous liquid. He spat out something hard that had somehow wound up in his mouth, absently realizing that it was one of his molars.

“You forget, Edraven, animalistic fury is my strength. You dare set your instincts against a former Arena Champion?”

Groaning, the Assassin caught sight of the Juggernaut moving towards him again and pulled himself towards the body of the nearest Slaver Skar had executed - by a lightsaber, by the look of things. He reached for the body-

Only to roll onto his back as the Kaleesh grasped Celevon by the ankle and ripped him away from the leather belt he had been reaching for. With his left hand, the Quaestor grasped one of his slugthrowers and drew as Skar reached down to grip him by the hair.

The Assassin had the weapon leveled at roughly where he imagined the Juggernaut’s liver would be, pulling the trigger as Rrogon smacked it away.

A scream ripped from the throat of the Kaleesh as the slug tore through just below his knee. A roar of absolute fury erupted from Skar as he slammed the flat of his fist at the Assassin’s face, only to have Celevon twist his head away at the last second.

In a last ditch effort, the Quaestor took hold of his senses enough to grasp the back of Rrogon’s head, right leg bent against the Juggernaut’s throat. To tighten the blood choke, Celevon wrapped his left leg against his right ankle and pulled the head of the Kaleesh closer to him.

As the Onderonian grinned, teeth absolutely drenched in blood, Skar brought his free arm down repeatedly until the Human lost consciousness.

Gasping, the Kaleesh stood shakily as he summoned his lightsaber to his hand. “I’ll make sure you get back to Ol’val, Boss. After I finish what I came here to accomplish.”

The yellow blade ignited moments after Rrogon Skar stepped over the unconscious figure of his friend. “You would have made a damn good fighter in the Arena... Wonder where he learned how to perform a Devil’s Gate,” Skar pondered aloud as he kicked open the door to the target.

The Kaleesh smiled beneath his mask as the Humanoid backpedalled rapidly.

“Say hello to the void, my old friend.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 April, 2016 3:28 PM UTC

Syntax

the combination of the point-blank [t]elekinetic [s]trike

This is minor, verging on nitpicky, but it was a strike with telekinesis, not the Telekinetic Strike Feat.

Celevon winced as each inhal[ation] brought a new burst of agony through his midsection

pulled himself towards the body of the nearest [s]laver Skar had executed

he Kaleesh smiled beneath his mask as the [h]umanoid backpedalled rapidly.

Story
Yeah, very different from Turel. Good combat writing. There's no good reason for this to have turned violent, but reading Skar's first post and your final, I understand why things escalated and why two allies ended up beating the crap out of each other. Good work.

Realism

Agony flared within the Assassin once again as his hand struck the bone mask of the younger man, lightsaber flying from his fractured digits

Ouch. Bad for Celevon, but good writing.

It doesn't affect the outcome, really, but Skar got shot in the leg. He shouldn't be backpedalling quickly away or kicking open doors. More generally, there's a lot of injuries going on, but both fighters kind of ignore them.

Continuity
No errors spotted.

A storm was raging within the Kaleesh as he stood over the now injured Human. The Gladiator knew he had at least broken some ribs with his strike but the firestorm that raged in his mind screamed for more. It pushed against his will, trying to cause him to inflict more pain on his friend. And the scary part was that Skar was fighting a lossing battle with his mind, unsure if he would be able to stop himself.

Below him, Celevon, groaned in pain and tried to lift himself off the ground, but the Sith didn't let him get the chance. Skar’s leg blurred forward once more and planted itself into the side of the human’s abdomen and another hideous crack of bone sounded in the surrounding area. Celevon gasped in pain and curled into the fetal position as blood began to dribble down the side of his mouth.

“Edraven, I'm going to break you, slowly and painfully. And when you come to, remember this: You had every chance to leave this alone.” Snarled the Kaleesh as he reached down to grab at the black jacket the Colonel was wearing. But as his hand was mere inches from reaching the fabric, Celevon’s hand shot out and with a flash of steel, the hidden wrist blade shot out from within the bracer and plunged deep into the Templar’s shoulder, causing the Kaleesh to reel back in pain and surprise.

Rrogon barely had time to see the second blade come up arching towards his face, but by some grace of the Force and fate his right hand had already been near his face and moved to grip Celevon’s wrist. The blade stopped mere centimeters from his mask, quivering slightly as Celevon struggled to push it forward into his skull. A cold chuckle bubbled forth from the Templar's chest as the Gatekeeper’s other hand wrapped around Celevon’s free wrist.

With his claws wrapped around Celevon’s wrist, Rrogon growled as he slowly began to pull the blade away from his shoulder.

“I said I was going to break you, Edraven, and I don't go back on my promises.”

Cold fury began to take over the Templar as he began to twist and real pain began to form on his friend's face. The Colonel struggled and tried to twist his way out of the steel trap that was the Kaleesh’s grip.

Several times the Templar could feel Celevon ramming his knee into the side of his hulking form, but it was all in vain, as twin snaps rang out as the Human’s wrists finally broke under the unyielding strength the Kaleesh had at his command.

Celevon screamed in pain, but it fell on deaf ears at this point. Skar only wanted to inflict torturous pain like so many had to him. Over the next hour, Rrogon set to torturing his friend, whose screams faded into nothing. There was only rage and the sound of breaking bones. When the Templar finally came out of his blood trance, he was staring down at the broken and battered body of Celevon, almost unrecognizable in his mangled and broken state. He had grown still and silent.

The Human was still breathing even if it was very shallow. Blood was splattered all over the ground around him as the recently clotted over wounds finally stopped bleeding. Both of his arms were now bent in awkward angles and blood-stained bone was exposed in several places all along his arm. His legs were in similar shape although not quite as bad as his arms. The Templar’s eyes fell on the Human's face, if one could even call what was left of it that, and cold ice began to form in his gut as he looked down at the broken shell of a Human.

He knew what awaited him when he returned to Arcona. There would be a steep price for what he had done, but judgment would wait for him. He still had a mission to complete. Slowly rising from the floor, the Juggernaut activated the tracker in his comm bracer and left it next to Celevon. He knew the Clan would be monitoring his communications and they would soon come to get him once it went active. Hopefully they would get to Celevon before he fully succumbed into death. As the Kaleesh walked off deeper into the city, he could feel the cold familiar weight of his sins pressing down on his shoulders.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 24 April, 2016 3:43 PM UTC

Syntax

And the scary part was that Skar was fighting a lo[s]ing battle with his mind

“And when you come to, remember this: [y]ou had every chance to leave this alone[,]” [s]narled the Kaleesh

Story

Realism

as he reached down to grab at the black jacket the Colonel was wearing.

Not the biggest issue in the world, but he's a Lieutenant Colonel. Different rank.

Continuity
No issues.