Acolyte Aul Celsus vs. Padawan Talis

Neophyte Aul Celsus

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker, Consular
vs.

Padawan Talis

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This was a really great match, and pretty straight forward to judge. From a technical stand point, neither of you really shot yourselves in the foot much.

I recommend relying on a second pair of eyes, in the form of a proofreader, in order to catch things that you may not be spotting when doing your own checks. This is something that I personally struggled with for over a year before finally caving in and reaching out to others. Definitely improves the overall quality, and we encourage it.

Aul, your strength was in your story telling, but you risk losing your reader in overly detailed descriptions of pain and the workings of the human body. May be easy for you and many others to understand, but don't assume that for everyone. Don't leave your readers going to Google.

Talis, your strength was in your combat writing. It was clear and easy to follow, and demonstrated a good understanding of aspects. Try not to leave all the story building to your opponent though. Drive the motivation yourself, or build on what is prepared by the opponent, and make it your own!

With the scores tallied, Aul Celsus gets the win! I look forward to seeing you both in the ACC again.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Aul Celsus, Padawan Talis
Winner Acolyte Aul Celsus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Aul Celsus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Padawan Talis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 28 February, 2016 7:52 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple issues, take a look at the comments for examples. Rationale: Minor issues, take a look at the comments for examples.
Story - 40%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your story foundation was strong and complete, especially with the addition of the adherence to aspects. Unfortunately, you allowed Aul to control the entirety of the motivation and character building, which left your story lacking a bit of a punch that would have brought it up to the next tier. Rationale: You did an amazing job of setting up the scene. The only issues really stemmed from a lack of conflict in your opening post and several cases of simply telling us details instead of showing it to the reader.
Realism - 25%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There were no issues of note. Rationale: There were no issues of note.
Continuity - 20%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There were no issues of note. Rationale: There were no issues of note.
Neza-Rem Zarabi's Score: 3.9 Aul Celsus's Score: 4.45
Posts

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Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitori.

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring matt has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical Shock-Boxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard durarubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also reserved for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

map

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Weapon Load Out for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

Aul Celsus strode hurriedly down the hall towards the combat training center, distracted by the numbers blinking across his datapad. It was only this morning that he had found out who his Master, Mystic Darkblade, had setup as his sparring partner, and he was busy reviewing his past combat records. At least Darkblade arranged for an opponent closer to his skill level, this time, albeit still leaving Aul at a disadvantage.

I just can’t catch a break-

The sliding doors of the hall opened and Aul collided with what he could only conclude was a large, sweaty carpet.

“Grlrlr!” came the guttural insult from the tired and agitated Wookiee he had just run directly into.

“Oh! Excuse me, sorry…” Aul quickly blurted as he ducked beneath the arms of the towering combatant.

Wiping the sweat and fur off his face with a murmur of disgust, Aul finally looked at where he was going. The large, open space of the hall was abuzz with the sound of a dozen warriors at practice. To his left, Aul noticed a pair of Twi’leks picking up a matched set of lyaer'tsa from the weapons racks, and at the far end of the hall a half-Chiss he recognized as Harry West was limping over to the medical ward. Aul had spent a lot of time here lately, practicing with the training dummies every morning and evening since his motivational encounter with Warden Tsucyra. Thanks to that fateful pairing, Aul found his will to fight, and could finally reconcile the effort of working towards perfecting lightsaber combat with his desire for personal, intellectual and academic discovery.

Pacing back and forth on the durarubber mat occupying the majority of the hall he spotted Padawan Talis. The Miraluka gave off an air of determination, his muscles tense and apparent in his Dathomiran robes. The simple cloth covered his vestigial eye sockets, but could not mask the furrow of his brow. He reached the end of the mat, turned heel, revealing his lightsaber attached to the back of his belt, and walked towards the other end. As Aul approached he slowed until he was face-to-face with his opponent.

“You’re late,” the Padawan curtly noted.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten really good at that,” Aul replied. He removed his cloak and tossed it, along with his bag, towards the end of the mat. He tried to smile to break the nervous tension, but realized Miraluka can only detect presence and shape, not details. “Uh, but I’m glad we could spar today,” he finally decided was an appropriate alternative.

“I hear your name around a lot, Acolyte. You’re new here, but for some reason the combat trainers think you’re impressive. I wanted to see for myself,” Talis said with a smirk. He took two steps back and reached for his lightsaber, igniting it as he brought it around to the Banlanth ready position. The amethyst-colored blade hummed in the meter-long space between the two students.

Not one for formalities, I guess. Okay, then...

Without a word, Aul grabbed his lightsaber and ignited it as he, too, assumed the Banlanth ready position. His light blue blade obscured most of the view of his opponent, but Aul wasn’t really using his eyes. Though he had full use of his vision, unlike his opponent, Aul reached out to the Force around him and merely felt him. He focused, staying open to any disturbances to his attention.

He felt a twitch, not physically, but a sort of autonomous call to move. A fraction of a moment after his muscles began to shift Talis lunged with a direct, overhead strike. Aul’s lightsaber met the Padawan’s, flashing and hissing with pure, focused energy.

“Ok, so you’re not totally useless,” Taris stated with a sense of challenge as his expression intensified.

Darth Renatus, 1 March, 2016 11:11 PM UTC

around to the Banlanth ready position.

Show us, don't tell. Describe what the ready position looks like. This will improve your Story scores.

he, too, assumed the Banlanth ready position.

Again, it is better to describe it than to just say "hey, it's the ready pose".


While the build-up to your post was very well done, you had only one exchange in your posts. This is a 2+2 format match, so having at least a paragraph or two of combat in your post would even out the pacing, rather than putting the brunt onto Talis.

Talis disengaged Aul and stepped back, placing his feet shoulder length apart and squared his body toward his opponent, saber presented towards his enemy with a two handed grip. Talis began reaching out and pulling in energy to his forearms.

Talis could feel the emotions of doubt and a little hint of fear exuding from the man like a bad smell. It was causing a distinctive yellow tendril to seep throughout the older human’s blue-gray aura. Talis smiled and turned his lightsaber a touch and leaned out so he could look at his opponent’s face.

“You shouldn’t doubt yourself so much.” Talis felt a quick pang of confusion from the man.

Like a hound at the race, Talis used this as his horn. He took a quick, powerful step in and batted at the Acolyte. The impact of the Padawan’s amethyst blade on the Acolyte’s light blue lightsaber unbalanced Aul causing him to take a step back. Talis saw his chance and threw a snapping left kick to the inside of Aul’s thigh. The loud pop it created made the entire chamber go silent as everyone turned towards the source. Talis narrowed his gaze on the human and returned to his combat stance awaiting Aul’s next move.

Aul adjusted uncomfortably as he righted his stance and faced Talis. Aul was surprised at how strong Talis' had swung at him for sure but he was more surprised at the underhanded attempted kick in the groin. If he’d have been any higher he would have risked dropping Aul to his knees. Aul delved back into the Force and began to pool the Force in his fore arms. A steady throbbing could be felt on his inner thigh as he awaited his opponent’s next move.

Talis closely watched the man before him. Talis could feel the discomfort permeating the man and flowwing through his aura. Talis made another quick step in at the man and slashed at Aul. To his surprise Talis’ attack had little effect on the man’s defenses as the lightsabers clashed. The amethyst blade and the light blue blade crackled and hissed as the two men pressed towards one another. Talis smiled in Aul’s face, who in turn, quickly snapped his head forward past the engaged lightsabers.

The collision caught Talis off guard and sent him reeling back a few steps away from the Acolyte. Talis reached out to the Force to try and quell the pain but he couldn’t keep his mind together enough. All he could think about was getting the old man back for his cheap shot. Suddenly Talis felt a warm sensation drip out of his nose and down his face. This helped Talis focus his mind but it was hard to ignore the blood dripping off his chin and onto his bare chest as he tried formulate his next move. Talis abruptly broke his stance and bent over, grasping his nose.

Darth Renatus, 1 March, 2016 11:30 PM UTC

lightsaber unbalanced Aul causing him to take a step back.

Should be a comma here: "Aul, causing" for sentence flow.

how strong Talis' had swung at him

I presume based on the possessive that there is a missing object here.

To his surprise Talis’ attack

Comma should be here, again for flow: "surprise, Talis'".

Talis closely watched the man before him. Talis could feel the discomfort permeating the man and flowwing through his aura. Talis made another quick step in at the man and slashed at Aul. To his surprise Talis’ attack had little effect on the man’s defenses as the lightsabers clashed. The amethyst blade and the light blue blade crackled and hissed as the two men pressed towards one another. Talis smiled in Aul’s face, who in turn, quickly snapped his head forward past the engaged lightsabers.

Almost the entirety of this paragraph begins with "Talis". Don't be afraid to use monikers to describe them to avoid repetition, such as "Padawan".

as he tried formulate his next move.

Probably meant "as he tried [to] formulate his next move.


This was a good post. The strongest portion of this post was how you embraced the aspects of the characters. The only let down, really, is that you left the bulk of the story with Aul's opening post. Yes, you covered the combat, but their motivations are left ill-defined within your writing itself.

“Blast it!”

Talis screamed in outrage as he began to stumble, his composure upset by an intense throbbing between his eye sockets. Talis had underestimated the effectiveness of Aul’s strike, assuming it had not caused much damage due to the relatively minor pain it initially induced. Unexpectedly to Talis, the angle of the Acolyte’s attack had precisely severed several nerves bundled at the bridge of the Padawan’s nose; the pain was delayed, but as his immune system recognized the damage it released a storm of inflammatory cytokines. The molecules spread throughout the irrigation of Talis’ face, around the top of his head and into his inner ear, causing an intense vertigo that upturned his recognition of up-and-down. Talis fell to a knee with his face painted a grimace of pain and confusion.

While Padawan Talis attempted to keep from vomiting, the blood now streaming down his nose, Aul was dealing with damage of his own. The focused kick delivered by Talis had burst a vein deep in Aul’s thigh, and the hemorrhage had begun to spread. He fell to his back, clutching his thigh and on the verge of losing consciousness from the pain. He had used a significant amount of his remaining energy on amplifying the counterstrike on Talis’ face instead of paying attention to his own injuries.

At the risk of placing himself off-guard, Aul turned his complete concentration onto slowing his heartbeat, and thus the flood of blood leaving his leg. He knew, though his robes covered it, that his leg was a multicolor canvas of blues, grays and greens. Aul focused inwards, his awareness tracing the flow of blood leaving his heart, passing his gastrointestinal organs, through the passages of his pelvis and finally to the epicenter of his wound. In his mind’s eye he could see the extent of the damage; Talis had not held back in that kick. Full recovery from this would take at least a week of sessions in the bacta tanks.

Aul knew now was not the time to attempt a full mending of his wound because his attention was momentarily drawn away by the sound of Talis getting to his feet. Aul quickly shut out the distraction and willed the walls of his vein together. He held the position a brief moment more, focusing further to promote the cell-to-cell junctions to tighten.

Just as the stream of blood trickled to a halt, Talis dove at Aul with his lightsaber held high in a final strike. The sound of the blade ripping through the air snapped Aul out of his introspection. He reached for his lightsaber hilt, but found it just out of reach. With only a second to spare, he brought his open hand up, grasping Talis’ left, striking hand with what little energy he had left. Aul leveraged Talis’ momentum by grabbing his left hip and, with the aid of his uninjured leg, redirected the Padawan’s trajectory to slam him face-down on the mat. A booming thud resounded throughout the hall. As Talis lost consciousness his hand released his lightsaber blade, killing its ignition as it rolled away.

Aul Celsus, his slight muscles completely depleted, let out a sigh and allowed his eyes to slowly shut. With the darkness beginning to envelop him, he heard the rushed footsteps of the medical ward personnel approaching.

“Didn’t they just start their match?”

“You know these Journeymen, always going too hard, too fast. I’m surprised the injuries aren’t worse.”

“True, true. Ok, let’s get them into the tanks…”

Darth Renatus, 1 March, 2016 11:42 PM UTC

vertigo that upturned his recognition of up-and-down.

Careful of repetition. Your use of upturned followed by "up-and-down" is a bit awkward. Perhaps "disrupted" instead.


Kind of an amusing ending, and one we don't see too often. You risked hurting your realism in the hand-to-hand portion, as Talis is more athletic, stronger, and more proficient in his chosen martial forms. Still, based on the circumstances, it isn't completely unrealistic.

You might also want to shy away from how technical the medical side of your writing got. While I was able to follow it, you don't want to have your readers looking up information in the middle of a read through. This will hurt your story's overall quality.

“Wow!” Talis bellowed. “That really hurt!” Talis paid close attention on his opponent through his charade.

“I thought this was an honest fight.” Talis out stretched his arms as he stepped towards Aul. Talis began reaching out and pooling Force energy into his right hand. “I mean, come on, look at this.” Talis felt the human’s aura become infected with guilt. On cue Talis snapped his fingers drawing the human’s attention and released the pent up energy in his hand. An instantaneous bright blinding flash erupted from his hand. Talis turned his head a little and focused on his enemy to mitigate the effects of the light. Talis stepped into Aul’s guard quickly and threw a deep right jab, utilizing his hips to add momentum and power to the blow.

Aul had fallen for the blind man’s trick that left him disoriented and blinded from the light. Aul closed his eyes and waited for the Force to guide him. Almost immediately the Force reacted like a horn blaring in his face-Aul knew he had to move his head. Aul bent his knees and kicked his hips forward while dropping his shoulders back while bracing for the impact. It came with a burst of pain and a whiter flash than had taken his eyesight. The shot upended the Acolyte as the blow slammed into his jaw sending him sprawling backwards, on the mat. Aul laid there blinking trying to clear his eyesight of the glaring dots that invaded his vision. His jaw was throbbing as he slowly regained his eyesight. It wasn’t until his eyesight had returned that he realized that Talis was standing over him smiling.

Talis deactivated his lightsaber and held out his hand to assist the Acolyte back to his feet. It was almost as if Talis had lifted a shroud off the man’s aura as it began to clear.

“See, I told you there was nothing to worry about.” Talis said with a smile as he clapped Aul on the back leaving an unseen bloody handprint on the back of his red shirt from his bloodied nose. “Good sparring session by the way I learned all I needed to know about you.”

“Really?” Aul paused and looked at Talis as he made his way to the med. “How so?” “Well, first of all I learned that you are not the best fighter in a heads up fight but you have pretty decent skills in your combat awareness and two, you don’t mind fighting a little dirty to catch your foes off their guard and to make up for your lack in physical strength.” Talis smiled a crimson smile at Aul that kind of unnerved the Acolyte. Talis sensed this and smiled ever wider.

“What? Do I have something in my teeth?”

Darth Renatus, 1 March, 2016 11:50 PM UTC

Aul had fallen for the blind man’s trick that left him disoriented and blinded from the light.

Phrasing here is a little awkward. You have "blind man" and then "blinded" which feels repetitive.

blaring in his face-Aul knew he had to move his head.

There should be a space on either side of the dash between face and Aul. Otherwise it becomes a conjoined word and that isn't what you were going for.

forward while dropping his shoulders back while bracing for the impact

Repetition again.

worry about.” Talis said

Should use a comma in the dialogue when using "he said, she said".

on the back leaving an unseen bloody handprint on the back

Repetition!

“How so?” “Well, first

Should start a new line when switching between speakers.


Not a bad ending post, but still added little to the story itself. You are fairly proficient at the combat side, but there still should be more to the story to get a feel for the who, what, and why. I don't really get a sense for the motivations of the characters reading your posts.