Knight Ringer Klang vs. Mystic Kelly Mendes

Knight Ringer Klang

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Wookiee, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Mystic Kelly Mendes

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

Match Summary

Both combatants demonstrated a level of skill befitting the ACC. It was a tight battle, and both combatants demonstrated potential within the ACC. Whilst Ringer's posts were not completely without fault, Kelly's oversights in respect of continuity and story were the main detractors in this battle and it is for this reason that I am pleased to announce Knight Ringer Klang as the winner!

Congratulations!

Wuntila Arconae, ACC Judge

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Ringer Klang , Mystic Kelly Mendes
Winner Knight Ringer Klang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Ringer Klang 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 3 March, 2016 7:07 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Ringer Klang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: All very reasonable aside from a few typos and oversights. Rationale: All very reasonable aside from the over use of the semi-colon which detracted from the tempo of the writing.
Story - 40%
Ringer Klang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The story set out in the first post had scope outside of the 'standard' ACC combat. Whilst this may not have been explored fully, it was improved upon and developed in the final post. One detractor was the convenient plot twist at the end of the final post; this could have been approached with a little more subtlety. Nevertheless, well done. Rationale: The story set out in both posts attempts to go beyond the confines of the 'standard' ACC combat to give reasons for the confrontation, however, there is a significant amount of seemingly *hollow* dialogue which breaks up the story. In addition to this, there was a significant plot twist after a rather large build up in the final post which very much detracted from the story and left the reader feeling deflated. This is something to review in later ACC matches and ensure that posts remain consistent throughout.
Realism - 25%
Ringer Klang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few very minor oversights. Nothing significant. Mostly demonstrated a good use of both character sheets. Very well done! Rationale: A few very minor oversights. Nothing significant. Mostly demonstrated a good use of both character sheets. Very well done!
Continuity - 20%
Ringer Klang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Ringer demonstrated a lot of skill in matching the tone of his follow-on post, which blended seamlessly in with the preceding post. Well done! Rationale: Kelly, both of your posts were somewhat removed from the posts they were meant to follow. Your first post was meant to follow on from direct combat, and instead moves into extended dialogue. This happens again with your second post, with a slight change in tone which is not in-keeping with your first, which really detracts from the story.
Ringer Klang's Score: 4.2 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.4
Posts

cc

Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitori.

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring matt has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical Shock-Boxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard durarubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also reserved for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

map

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Weapon Load Out for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

As Ringer entered the training halls in the dead of night, his target was already waiting for him. The lithe human female leaned casually against a training dummy, her dark clothing accentuating the paleness of her face. Kelly glanced over at Ringer, a sneer.curling her upper lip.

"What is this about, Wookiee?" She was referring to the anonymous message Ringer had sent earlier that day. "Meet in Combat Training Center at 0200 hours. Regarding feud with Clan Odan-Urr. Tell no one else." As the Knight had hoped, the Plagueis member had apparently come alone. Just to be sure, he reached out with the Force and verified that no other sentient life forms were currently within the the walls of the training center. As far as he could tell, there were none.

I need to send a message to Clan Odan-Urr, Ringer projected to the human's mind with a whispering of Force power.

A brief look of puzzlement shadowed Kelly's face before being replaced again by her smirk. "What does that have to do with me? Are you so daft as to think I am in communication with that Clan of undesirables?"

Ringer's answer was a hiss and a hum as he ignited his lightsaber. I think you misunderstand. Your crippled body will be the message. Odan-Urr needs to know they have allies within the Brotherhood.

With a cruel laugh, Kelly activated her own weapon. "I don't know whether to be amused or offended. Do you really think you can best a Dark Jedi of my power? I think we will be sending Odan-Urr a quite different message than what you planned." Stepping down casually from the platform of training dummies, she turned herself slightly sideways, her head tilted just barely forward as she readied herself for combat. Ringer remained standing as adrenaline started coursing through his body.

Knowing that his opponent was likely analyzing him for weaknesses, Ringer decided not to delay. He launched himself forward, amplifying his motion with a touch of Force power as he twisted in midair, saber directed point-first at the human. Flipping backwards to avoid the thrust, Kelly landed with her feet against one of the training dummies and pushed immediately off again with a downward chop toward Ringer's head.

Yellow met blue as Ringer parried the blow and spun sideways, counterattacking with a horizontal slice, which was in turn parried by his opponent as she pivoted to face him again. As their blades met again, Kelly thrust out her right hand and Ringer felt himself staggering backwards as a brutal wave of Force power struck him, nearly winding him. The Wookiee allowed his momentum to take him into a backward roll, pushing off of the training mats beneath him to land on his feet again.

"You see? You are no match for my aptitude in the Force," Kelly taunted haughtily, emphasizing her point with a blast of Force lightning. Only a whispered warning from the Force allowed Ringer to roll sideways to dodge the electrical, which left a significant burn mark in the wall behind him. The Taldryan Knight began to doubt the intelligence of his mission here. Too late for doubts now, he thought as he sprang back into the combat, jumping high into the air and coming down with a brutal overhead swing.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 4 March, 2016 7:45 PM UTC

[...] a sneer.curling her upper lip.

Syntax - Typo with the full stop.


"Meet in Combat Training Center at 0200 hours. Regarding feud with Clan Odan-Urr. Tell no one else."

Syntax - This would be better having been removed from the quotation marks, being in it's own paragraph, and having been italicised.

You can include italics by surrounding the text you wish to italicise with an asterisk on either side, as per the below:

*Meet in Combat Training Center at 0200 hours. Regarding feud with Clan Odan-Urr. Tell no one else*


I need to send a message to Clan Odan-Urr, Ringer projected to the human's mind with a whispering of Force power.

Realism - Great use of telepathy. Well done.


I think you misunderstand. Your crippled body will be the message. Odan-Urr needs to know they have allies within the Brotherhood.

Realism - A very minor point, but I don't think this is particularly in-keeping with Ringer's affiliation with the Jedi. I'm also not sure that it's particularly relevant to Ringer's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Aspect.


"I don't know whether to be amused or offended. Do you really think you can best a Dark Jedi of my power? I think we will be sending Odan-Urr a quite different message than what you planned."

Syntax - Minor comment, but this seems a little wordy. This could be cut down. Use of active tense rather than passive tense etc.


Flipping backwards to avoid the thrust, Kelly landed with her feet against one of the training dummies and pushed immediately off again with a downward chop toward Ringer's head. Yellow met blue as Ringer parried the blow and spun sideways, counterattacking with a horizontal slice, which was in turn parried by his opponent as she pivoted to face him again.

Realism - Great adherence to Kelly's Athletics level on her character sheet, her Parkour! skill, and lightsaber colour. These small details really build up a picture. Well done.


Only a whispered warning from the Force allowed Ringer to roll sideways to dodge the electrical [...]

Syntax - Electrical what? Burst of electricity?


The Taldryan Knight began to doubt the intelligence of his mission here. Too late for doubts now, he thought as he sprang back into the combat, jumping high into the air and coming down with a brutal overhead swing.

Story and Realism - What intelligence is the Taldryan Knight doubting? The story leading up to this point is somewhat thin. I understand the basic premise of Ringer attempting to reach out to Kelly about Odan-Urr - and to a certain degree this might work, as the message Ringer supposedly sent Kelly was open to interpretation - but what intelligence had Ringer received? If you are trying to weave a deeper story (which, I might add, is very much encouraged in the ACC) then you need to ensure that this story is explored and demonstrated to the reader.


Overall

Overall, I think this post demonstrates some solid realism, with some decent writing and an attempt at a deeper story. It is a well-rounded post, and was only lacking in the confusion around the story and a small number of minor realism and syntax errors. Nevertheless, a good opening - well done!

Kelly was extremely confident; a Wookiee was the best Taldryan could find to defeat her? This was most disappointing, but at least it would make for a contest she could definitely win. Plagueis had lured them into sending her a messenger, not only to send a message to Odan-Urr, but to Taldryan: that their impurity would no longer be tolerated, and that Plagueis was seeking to rid itself from impure rivals.

“A short little furball? I was expecting you to be a little… taller, still I suppose you have to take help from even the weakest of them all,” Kelly mockingly proclaimed. "I wouldn’t expect such a barbarian to know what an honour he has. Before you is a beacon of greatness, and things would be so much simpler if you would just give up, go home, and go tell your friends that their days are numbered.”

The Wookiee was unfamiliar with the way in which his foe wielded her yellow-bladed instrument of destruction; her hand gripped around the middle of the hilt, with the blade behind her. Nevertheless, he would have to find a way to defeat her if he was to return successful to his Clan. Unusually for one of his species, Ringer’s strength was not in his might, but in his agility and ease of movement. This is not to say that he lacked physical prowess, but merely that it was not the attribute he decided to base his approach to combat on. “You speak of purity, yet you know nothing of it. You think you are pure, but if anything it is you who has been tainted. The Dark Side is not the way; it ensures only your demise.” The passion could be heard in the Knight’s words; he truly believed what he was saying was true. His opponent did not. She laughed at him, scanning the room for something she could use to her advantage in the contest.

Kelly had come up with an idea, one that would put her on the front foot if all went according to plan, and if not, she would be forced backwards, a position no member of Plagueis takes lightly. She re-engaged her blade with that of her opponent, pushing her weapon, and in turn, Ringer’s lightsaber, closer towards his face. This caused the Jedi sympathizer scum to break off, which provided the Mystic with an opening. Lowering her lightsaber, she ran the blade into the ground, advancing quickly as sparks flew upwards; hissing like a Saraask'ar slaver; and into the eyes of her enemy, who was left retreating in the direction of the Combat Core.

Ringer found himself on his back foot, retreating from the fiery sparks his foe conjured from the ground. He had to think fast or she would overwhelm him early in the contest, and if that happened, it would all be over. Ringer reached for his bowcaster, prompting Kelly to back off, preparing herself to defend against the weapon's bolts. Pulling the trigger and firing a volley of shots at nearly point-blank range, the Wookiee's misses weren't spectacularly wide, but even those that were on target were redirected into the duracrete, met by the Mystic's blade as it danced elegantly through the air.

Kelly leapt towards her foe, bringing her blade forward in a wide, sweeping motion, forcing the Knight to holster his bowcaster and quickly ignite his saber, parrying the blow with a burst of unnatural strength that caused the brunette to stumble a few meters backward. Briefly surprised, she clenched her jaw in defiance and regarded Ringer with utter disdain. It seemed that the legendary Wookiee strength was present in even their smaller members, but not that it mattered; physical strength would amount to nothing when compared to the power of the Dark Side.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 4 March, 2016 8:20 PM UTC

Kelly was extremely confident; a Wookiee was the best Taldryan could find to defeat her? This was most disappointing, but at least it would make for a contest she could definitely win. Plagueis had lured them into sending her a messenger, not only to send a message to Odan-Urr, but to Taldryan: that their impurity would no longer be tolerated, and that Plagueis was seeking to rid itself from impure rivals.

Story - The story picks up and broadens that which is introduced in Ringer's first post. Well done!


Continuity - Ringer left the post hanging, with Ringer committing to an overhead strike on Kelly. This doesn't seem to feature at all in your post. This detracts from the reader's involvement in the story; the tempo of the post has changed, and the combatants are trading quips rather than blows.


“A short little furball? I was expecting you to be a little… taller, still I suppose you have to take help from even the weakest of them all,”

Realism - Good adherence to Ringer's character sheet. Well done.


[...] her yellow-bladed instrument of destruction[...]

Syntax - I think yellow-bladed instrument of destruction is perhaps a little verbose.


Unusually for one of his species, Ringer’s strength was not in his might, but in his agility and ease of movement.

Realism - Great adherence to Ringer's Tiny, But Fierce Aspect. Good job!


[...] if all went according to plan, and if not, she would be forced backwards, a position no member of Plagueis takes lightly.

Story - I'm not sure any character, regardless of their Clan affiliation, would like to be forced backward.


[...] advancing quickly as sparks flew upwards; hissing like a Saraask'ar slaver; and into the eyes of her enemy, who was left retreating in the direction of the Combat Core.

Syntax - Your use of a semi-colon here would have worked much better if replaced by commas. This is something throughout your post which has been prevalent. Less is more, especially when using semi-colons. Often the most effective writing is the simplest. Control the tone with full stops and commas; you don't always need to use semi-colons to give your writing emphasis.


Ringer reached for his bowcaster, prompting Kelly to back off, preparing herself to defend against the weapon's bolts. Pulling the trigger and firing a volley of shots at nearly point-blank range, the Wookiee's misses weren't spectacularly wide, but even those that were on target were redirected into the duracrete, met by the Mystic's blade as it danced elegantly through the air.

Story, Realism, and Syntax - Whilst I'm dubious as to the motivation of Ringer putting down his lightsaber (I know the point is to drive Kelly back, but this hasn't really been explained) this works really well. A brilliant couple of sentences. It advances the story, it's a reflection of Ringer's blaster skill, and it reads very well. The only

Continuity - The only issue here is that you didn't describe Ringer disengaging his lightsaber when he reached for the bowcaster, but you mention that he reignites it later in the match. This is a very minor omission, but it helps to be consistent.

All in all, however, this section is extremely well done!


[...] parrying the blow with a burst of unnatural strength that caused the brunette to stumble a few meters backward.

Realism - Great use of Ringer's Might. Well done.


It seemed that the legendary Wookiee strength was present in even their smaller members, but not that it mattered[...]

Syntax - As you can see, the "but" in the above sentence is superfluous and only detracts from the writing.


Overall

Overall, I think this post is largely well written, with some solid description and a real attempt to advance the story. That being said, I do feel the tone of the entire post was not in line with that set up by Ringer in the previous post, which is a marked detractor from the writing. Realism has, however, been very well deployed in this post. Well done!

Having briefly gained the upper hand, Ringer left no pause for the Dark Jedi to recuperate. Charging forward, he threw caution to the wind as he swept his sapphire blade diagonally up toward Kelly's midsection. The human was forced to roll away to avoid the attack, but she quickly righted herself and re-entered the fray.

The two began a dance of death as they battled, lightsabers clashing almost faster than the eye could track them. Both combatants began to sweat heavily as their acrobatic feats taxed their muscles. Ringer could tell that the Dark Jedi was getting angrier by the minute, and that her rage was fueling her, giving her strength and speed that would soon outmatch his own.

Knowing that he couldn't keep up with her much longer, the Wookiee disengaged with a backflip, parrying one last time as he leapt out of range. Strangely, Kelly did not pursue him. As Ringer desperately searched his mind for a plan, he saw the human extinguish her lightsaber and raise her hand toward him. Expecting another onslaught of Force energy, he braced himself, but the blow didn't come. Again, Ringer was saved by a premonition through the Force, throwing himself sideways, narrowly avoiding a dagger that had flown at him from the weapon rack behind him.

Kelly left him no time to gain his balance. Weapon after weapon flew after him and despite his finely-tuned reflexes, it took all his concentration to either avoid or use his lightsaber to chop the barrage of swords, guns, and staffs that his opponent was directing at him. In desperation, he whirled and rushed at Kelly, flinging his lightsaber ahead of him in an attempt to break her focus just long enough for him to regain any advantage.

The ploy worked somewhat; Ringer felt a sharp pain in his left bicep as a dagger struck him from behind, penetrating his skin and compromising his balance as he charged forward. As Kelly reignited her lightsaber to bat his own blue blade away, Ringer lost his footing and sprawled to the ground a few meters short of his opponent, who did not hesitate to take advantage of the situation.

Still fueled by her rage, Kelly leapt forward and cut down at the defenseless Wookiee, whose own saber was out of reach. Still, the Wookiee was not finished. Calling on all the Force power left to him and ignoring the pain in his left arm, he shot up from the ground at the last possible second, catching the human's left wrist with his right hand and twisting brutally with all his strength. The Dark Jedi let out an cry as bones crunched, her hand relaxing involuntarily and releasing her blade. Unable to follow through with a punch from his injured left, Ringer instead slammed his forehead into Kelly's face, spattering blood as her nose broke instantly with a crunch.

The human tumbled limply to the ground in a daze, lucky to still be conscious, as Ringer released her wrist. Quickly stooping to grab both lightsabers, he stood over his now helpless opponent, who cradled her injured appendage to her chest. Even in defeat, Kelly had not lost her arrogance. Spitting blood at the Wookiee, she hissed with narrowed eyes, "And? Do you lack the gall to finish me? You are weak to ignore your anger and hate."

Shaking his head, Ringer only projected, You can see that your anger proved insufficient in the end. I don't need to kill you to meet my ends. I think this will send a strong enough message to those on both sides of your conflict with Odan-Urr.

Even though Kelly appeared helpless, Ringer did not make the mistake of turning his back on her as he made his way to the transparisteel doors. As he exited the Training Center, he hoped the Clan leadership knew what it was doing in joining the conflict between Plagueis and Odan-Urr. He still couldn't figure out their motivations for doing so, especially on the side of Odan-Urr. Regardless, he had done as he had been asked and would be pleased to report his success.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 4 March, 2016 8:53 PM UTC

The two began a dance of death as they battled [...]

Syntax - Dance of Death is somewhat clichéd.


Both combatants began to sweat heavily as their acrobatic feats taxed their muscles

Realism - Nice nod to both character sheets. Well done.


Again, Ringer was saved by a premonition through the Force, throwing himself sideways, narrowly avoiding a dagger that had flown at him from the weapon rack behind him. Kelly left him no time to gain his balance. Weapon after weapon flew after him and despite his finely-tuned reflexes, it took all his concentration to either avoid or use his lightsaber to chop the barrage of swords, guns, and staffs that his opponent was directing at him. In desperation, he whirled and rushed at Kelly, flinging his lightsaber ahead of him in an attempt to break her focus just long enough for him to regain any advantage.

Story - I'm very impressed with this piece of writing. It shows thinking outside of the box and really demonstrates interesting combat writing...

HOWEVER

Realism - This is not in line with Kelly's Perception skill and Kelly's Intellect skill (both are currently 0 on her character sheet), which would enable her to think abstractly and use these weapons in such a way. This is not necessarily a major omission, but it's definitely one to bear in mind for your next match.


Still, the Wookiee was not finished. Calling on all the Force power left to him and ignoring the pain in his left arm, he shot up from the ground at the last possible second, catching the human's left wrist with his right hand and twisting brutally with all his strength. The Dark Jedi let out an cry as bones crunched, her hand relaxing involuntarily and releasing her blade.

Realism - Good use of Amplification and Let the Wookiee Win. Additionally, good observation of Kelly being left-handed. Good job!


Spitting blood at the Wookiee, she hissed with narrowed eyes, "And? Do you lack the gall to finish me? You are weak to ignore your anger and hate."

Story - I'm not sure that Kelly would be so willing to lay there as Ringer walked away. She is well-equipped with the Force, if not with her lightsaber. This seems a little too convenient.


Overall

Overall this post demonstrates an improvement on the first. It exhibits good continuity from previous post, some solid storytelling and only a few omissions throughout. I felt the ending was a little too convenient which detracted from the story. Otherwise, however, a solid post. Well done!

The Mystic grinned, realizing she was in control of the situation and that she would definitely emerge victorious; it was just a matter of when. The Knight approached his female foe with a sense of urgency, flipping and flying in all directions, his blade crashing frequently and fiercely with that of his opponent. Both combatants, still confident of success, attempted final strikes to end the confrontation. Fortunately, both strikes were avoided and the participants backed away for their own reasons. Ringer, to attempt to make up for the energy his high demand offense had wasted. Kelly, to twist the dagger further into the ego of the Jedi sympathizer.

“Oh my, I haven’t even had to put in serious effort,” she began. “It would be tougher to defeat a Knight of Plagueis. You haven’t been much of a problem and I’m rather looking forward to presenting the Dread Lord with a new rug. Then Taldryan, Odan-Urr and any other Clan who opposes Plagueis will be dealt with in the most brutal manner possible.” The brunette laughed, taking obvious pleasure in what she thought would happen after the conclusion of the bout. She could scarcely consider an alternative outcome, for even if the foolish creature would not kill her, going back to Plagueis unsuccessful was not an option; somebody would take offence to the fact that their Overseer had been beaten by an enemy.

Ringer responded. “Your mind has been corrupted and you cannot be redeemed, therefore it is my duty to end the threat you pose to the honorable clans that still remain, and to defy you and the insane Grand Master.” The passion in his voice increased with every word. “However, I shall not kill you, and it gives me no pleasure to defeat you, but you chose to sacrifice yourself as a message to be sent, and I’m the one to send it. Unlike you, I have restraint, and I'm not a mere barbarian.” Taunting Kelly, Ringer hoped he had not just awoken the inner beast that resided in his foe.

The Plagueian was incensed, barking out a response. “You and the rest of your kind will lay before my feet, bloody and broken; I will kill you all. Undesirables have no place in the Brotherhood, and neither do the weak and apathetic like those who dare question the Grand Master and stand in the way of Plagueian victory over the filth of Odan-Urr.” Now solely focused on making the Taldryan Knight kneel, Kelly advanced with frightening speed towards the Wookiee. The Knight knew he would be able to keep her at bay for some time, but not forever. With this firmly in his mind, he began to retreat, forcing his opponent to expend more energy to reach him in an effort to bring their energy levels to a similar level.

The Wookiee of small stature swung his blade forward in a controlled manner, hoping he could out manoeuvre his adversary and force her into a situation where he could safely disarm her. His foe, however, had been in more than one lightsaber confrontation, and the Mystic advanced quickly and with confidence. She had spent hours in training, focusing on her stamina; and she sensed that her opponent wouldn't be able to last as long as she would.

Her lightsaber probed the Knights’ defense, from a swift slash down at his knees to a strike attempting to remove his weapon from his hand, for each weakness she exploited was matched by the defensive acrobatics of her opponent. Frustrated, her right leg flew out in anger and landed in the upper inner thigh region, dropping the Wookiee to one knee. The battle was won. “Well I would just kill you, but you make for a much more effective message if I let you live to tell your foolish allies to stay out of Plagueis’ way.” Pausing, she continued, yelling at the top of her lungs, “We are the Ascendant Clan, and none shall stop our rise!”

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 4 March, 2016 9:14 PM UTC

Word Count: 666

Good job on this one! :P


The Knight approached his female foe with a sense of urgency, flipping and flying in all directions, his blade crashing frequently and fiercely with that of his opponent. Both combatants, still confident of success, attempted final strikes to end the confrontation.

Realism/Syntax - Whilst Ringer is an agile Wookiee, he is still a Wookiee. I'm not sure he'd be flipping and flying in the same way as, say, Yoda in his confrontation with Palpatine, as this description seems to suggest. Not a major point, just a point on description.


Fortunately, both strikes were avoided and the participants backed away for their own reasons.

Continuity - I felt that this was somewhat removed from Kelly's plan in the previous post, wherein Ringer was being driven toward the Combat Core. Again, this seems to shift slightly in tone and approach to the post it is meant to directly follow.


“However, I shall not kill you, and it gives me no pleasure to defeat you, but you chose to sacrifice yourself as a message to be sent, and I’m the one to send it. Unlike you, I have restraint, and I'm not a mere barbarian.”

Realism - Good adherence to Ringer's character sheet, well done.


She had spent hours in training, focusing on her stamina; and she sensed that her opponent wouldn't be able to last as long as she would.

Syntax - Small point, but misplaced semi-colon once again.


Frustrated, her right leg flew out in anger and landed in the upper inner thigh region, dropping the Wookiee to one knee. The battle was won.

Story - Much like the previous final post, I feel this is rather a convenient way to end the post. There is a significant build up to the confrontation between the two combatants - this anti-climax leaves the reader deflated.


Overall

There was an awful lot of dialogue in this post which did not seem to advance the story. In addition, the tonal change in continuity once again detracts from the reader's enjoyment. There are elements of adherence to the opponents character sheet, however, and the post shows potential.

All in all, the post seems rushed, and the built up ending did not meet expectation.