Knight Alara Deathbane vs. Neophyte Xylnn WolfStalker

Knight Alara Deathbane

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Neophyte Xylnn WolfStalker

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
Comment

This was a fun match to judge, though had some glaring mistakes with adherence to the rules of the ACC which titled at least one category significantly in the favor of one participant.

You both show a good grasp of story telling, but were too confined to the moment and didn't give a sense of anything greater than this single scene, or these sets of actions. In other terms, it was very two dimensional and lacked in depth and meaning. You show the ability to do so, but it will take practice to bring it out.

That said, you should both review the Force Powers and Skills pages on the Wiki to get a tier by tier break down of each of the options available to you. It will help you better understand the abilities, and perhaps better construct your character for what you have in mind.

I look forward to continued matches, but need to finish this one off first. With the scores tallied, Knight Alara Deathbane comes out the winner.

Congratulations, and good luck in the future.

Hall Journeyman Tourney [2016]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Alara Deathbane, Neophyte Xylnn WolfStalker
Winner Knight Alara Deathbane
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Neophyte Xylnn WolfStalker's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 21 April, 2016 4:56 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Alara Deathbane Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 1
Rationale: Some minor issues that could be caught through extended proofing or using a proof reader. Rationale: The biggest issue was your, primarily, present tense perspective and use of first person. Beyond that, you were tense dancing and showed no signs of proofing.
Story - 40%
Alara Deathbane Deleted
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You told a complete story and even instilled a subtle sense of the "why" this fight was occurring. Beyond that it was quite 'by the numbers' in the sense that two people meet, they fight, and someone dies. Rationale: You did a good job setting the scene, but you brought absolutely no motivation to the characters. Beyond that, in a 2+2 format match you had no conflict in your post. You left this entirely to your opponent to depict, which is a pacing issue.
Realism - 25%
Alara Deathbane Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Some issues with realism, refer to the comments. Rationale: Substantial issues with realism, refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Alara Deathbane Deleted
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No apparent issues of note. Rationale: No apparent issues of note.
Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.8 Deleted's Score: 2.85
Posts

Starship Graveyard

Your senses are overwhelmed as you set foot on the planet [Oricon], the base of the ancient Dread Masters nearly lost to time. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes you as your eyes struggle to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call to you - the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

The Dark Side is strong here, but somehow feels different from other Sith planets you have encountered. You are not alone on this ancient world of nightmares.

The Heat of the lava flows around me, burn my face, and each breath is hindered by the dense smoke. My feet bump into stones and dust, and the ground is very uneven. I use my staff as a walking stick, supporting myself as i go. There are rusted shells of star ships all around me. The Tower's spire in the distance, it calls to me, like a vacuum it pulls at my being. I trudge onward toward the ruins.

I stop.

"There is someone... no.... someTHING here with me..." I say to myself. The presence is malevolent and dark but its not like other Sith. Whoever they are, they play with the Dark side, but dont commit to it. It sends unfamiliar chills down my back. Whoever is here is strong with the Force.

I pick up my pace, moving toward the tower with more urgency. I feel exposed out here, vulnerable, like at any moment someone could catch me unaware and kill me.

Before long i find my self at the foot of the tower. The Entry way is massive, some 15 meters up. It arches over the floor, and the main chamber is even larger. It has 8 columns holding up a concave ceiling. The highest point on the arch is 45 meters high. The floor is massive, looks about 50 meters long and 50 meters wide, with the columns spaced out evenly around the room.

The strange pull i felt from this place has passed. It worries me, and so does the ever-present feeling of another force-sensitive nearby. Only... now i feel it, the chills are stronger. I run to the corner of the right wall nearest to the doorway and crouch down. Hiding myself, by weaving together the very air around me until i am hidden in the darkness around me.

Hidden as best i can, i put my staff down and wait. One minuet passes. Then two. Then ten. Then thirty. All the while the chills down my back get stronger and stronger. Until it feels as though my back is twitching violently.

Then it happens. I see them. I see Her.

She has long blonde hair in a high braid, and combat boots. She wears a cloak but i am too far away to see any weapons. She stands straight, confident, and she looks dangerous. I don't need the chills running down my back to tell me that. Although she is wearing boots, i didn't hear her come in, i cant hear anything from this girl. I cant make out much else, but her head is tilted down and i cant see her eyes, i think they're closed like she praying but not with words.

Suddenly, her head snaps in my direction, her eyes look right at me. I freeze. Then i grab my staff and jump to my right, just as she pulls out a DL-44 blaster from under her cloak and blasts the corner i was in. The corner has two blast marks, right where my head was. I hold my staff in my right hand, crouching down. Then i leap toward the center of the room, tucking my knees as i roll. I push off my feet to a standing position and look her dead in the eyes, with a sly grin on my face.

This is gonna be Fun.

Darth Renatus, 23 April, 2016 1:39 AM UTC

Syntax

Use of first person perspective (and present tense) is contrary to ACC rules, and was featured in the Qualification Exam. This is a major syntax error within the ACC.

The [heat] of the lava flows around me, [burns] my face, and each breath is hindered by the dense smoke. [...] I use my staff as a walking stick, supporting myself as [I] go. [...] The [tower's] spire in the distance, it calls to me[. Like] a vacuum it pulls at my being.

In the above section you will find typo corrections and an instance of flow, where a full stop via period is more suitable than the comma you had.

The presence is malevolent and dark but [it's] not like other Sith.

"Its" vs "It's" is the different between possessive and "it is".

Before long [I] find [myself] at the foot of the tower. The [entryway] is massive, some 15 meters up. It arches over the floor, and the main chamber is even larger. It has 8 columns holding up a concave ceiling. The highest point on the arch is 45 meters high. The floor is massive, looks about 50 meters long and 50 meters wide, with the columns spaced out evenly around the room.

You shouldn't be using numbers in fictional narative. In dialogue you can get away with it, or a name like "DL-44", however it should be "It has eight columns" instead of 8.

The strange pull [I] felt from this place has passed. It worries me, and so does the ever-present feeling of another [Force]-sensitive nearby. Only... now [I] feel it, the chills are stronger. [...] Hiding myself, by weaving together the very air around me until [I] am hidden in the darkness around me.

Another series of typo correction. Remember, the Force is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Hidden as best [I] can, [I] put my staff down and wait. One [minute] passes.

I see [her].

[...]

She wears a cloak but [I] am too far away to see any weapons. [...] Although she is wearing boots, [I] didn't hear her come in, [I can't] hear anything from this girl. I [can't] make out much else, but her head is tilted down and [I can't] see her eyes, [I] think they're closed like she [is] praying but not with words.

[...]

Then [I] grab my staff and jump to my right, just as she pulls out a DL-44 blaster from under her cloak and blasts the corner [I] was in. [...] Then [I] leap toward the center of the room, tucking my knees as [I] roll.

[...]

This is gonna be [fun].

Realism

Hidden as best i can, i put my staff down and wait. One minuet passes. Then two. Then ten. Then thirty.

At +1 Force Cloak, and beyond that as a class aside from Shadow in the CS system, you have to remain utterly stationary when using this skill, and must be focusing entirely on it. You demonstrated that half properly, but the movement was a minor realism hit.

Alara growled under her breath.

I knew I should have studied blaster combat more… Damn.

She spat on the ground in anger. The Knight quickly clicked the blaster back to her belt and unclipped her saber. In a brisk motion, brilliant yellow plasma illuminated the tower’s room. She let out a roar of frustration, and charged towards the Neophyte. The man readied his saber, holding it vertically towards the ceiling of the tower. He lightly dropped his staff to the ground. Alara lunged towards her prey. Sabers clashed in a loud echo across the desolate room. The half-Sephi thrusted her saber in an upwards form. The Neophyte’s saber met with hers awkwardly. Using his lack of form to her advantage, the Knight kicked him in his left shin. Xlynn winced in pain, gripping his leg with his left hand. Alara used the thick of her palm to twist Xlynn’s right wrist with impact, causing him to drop his saber. The Sith quickly called it back to his hand using his mind.

“You thought it would be so easy? I may be younger than you are, but do not allow my age to distract you from my strengths,” Xlynn’s lips crept into a smirk.

“Enough, Child!” Alara exclaimed, “You are going to meet your fate at the tip of my blade!”

“Such rage… such determination. What did I ever do to you?” Xlynn interrogated her.

Alara’s eyes started to widen as flashbacks went through her mind. All the dreams. All the visions of death after death occurring by the works of her hand. She wasn’t sure why the Force was compelling her to kill this boy. She wasn’t sure if it was the Force at all. The mysterious anger in her chest spread throughout her blood like wildfire. Her veins grew hot with incredible passion. Perhaps this was the destruction of her sanity. Or perhaps this was her power truly taking form in her life. Her amber eyes practically flickered in anxiousness.

“You were meant to be here… I was meant to find you here. I am the harbinger of your doom.”

Xlynn stood back, trying to decipher this puzzle before him, “You’ve gone mad. You’ve reached the point of darkness in which it clouds your entire being. I don’t know what you’ve gone through, but you should speak to your master. He can properly hone this power in you--”

“Enough talk,” Alara snapped, “You’re trying to slow me down. You’re trying to stall what is to come. No more!” she yelled and held her saber up in the air. She leapt from the cold concrete with incredulous exertion. Her saber crashed loudly against his. He let out a yelp as he pushed against her strong arm. Alara yelled again, and lifted the saber towards the Neophyte’s right. He caught the yellow saber with his in just enough time, but sloppily. Alara pushed the plasma blade harder against the Marauder’s, and ended up knocking him to the ground with her strength. The boy growled and attempted to stand up again. Just as he pushed himself up from the ground, he looked up to meet Alara’s fiery eyes. She grinned a malicious grin and held her saber just above his head.

Darth Renatus, 23 April, 2016 1:57 AM UTC

Syntax

I knew I should have studied blaster combat more… Damn.

In context we can determine, as readers, this is the thoughts of the character but you could make it easier to discern by formatting it with italics.

“Enough talk,” Alara snapped, “[you’re] trying to slow me down. You’re trying to stall what is to come. No more!” [She] yelled and held her saber up in the air.

Alara snapped with a comma joins the two dialogue together into a single sentence. As such, the lowercase on the follow up isn't necessary as it is a new sentence.

She grinned a malicious grin and held her saber just above his head.

This is a tad repetitious, perhaps "She grinned with malicious glee"

Story

The man readied his saber, holding it vertically towards the ceiling of the tower. He lightly dropped his staff to the ground.

In terms of 'order of operations', this is quite awkward. He is right handed so I would presume the saber is in that hand, but that's where the staff just was. You have him drop the staff after readying the saber defensively. Would work better flipped.

The half-Sephi thrusted her saber in an upwards form.

Perhaps different word choice here, such as "in an upward arc" instead of form? Denotes the action better.

The Sith quickly called it back to his hand using his mind.

Try showing us, don't tell us. "using his mind" could be "The Sith quickly called it back to his hand with a tug of power, the Force encircling and carrying the hilt."

The mysterious anger in her chest spread throughout her blood like wildfire. Her veins grew hot with incredible passion. Perhaps this was the destruction of her sanity. Or perhaps this was her power truly taking form in her life. Her amber eyes practically flickered in anxiousness.

Very wonderfully worded here. It stands out in your post. Nice job.

Oh Man, Oh Sithspit! What was I thinking?!? My Lightsaber is useless against this woman! Her Rage, doubled with her Juyo style, is unstoppable, but the dark side corrodes her mind... yes... that's it!

Just as I looked up to see Her lightsaber above me, I dropped to one knee and threw both hands forward with all my might, an unseen blast has thrown the Dark Jedi backward. She was thrown to one of the columns, and dropped her saber as she connected with it. It hit the ground with a 'clink' and promptly disengaged but before she can recall the weapon, I summoned it to my hand. I disengaged my own saber, clicked it to my belt, and pulled out my smoke grenade from my pouch. I press the activator on it and drop it.

She pulled out her blaster and fired, I ducked under the shot and pushed off my left leg throwing myself into a side roll. I landed behind one of the columns. "Such strength! And what power you poses! why do you not commit to the dark side? Why do you play on the border between, do you not know how it corrode your mind? How it will leave you a mindless fool?" I asked as I moved around the room as it filled with more and more smoke.

"Shut your mouth, Sith scum! You would not understand, how could you?" She defensively resonded. ohh looks like I touched a nerve, i'll save that for later...

"You'd be surprised, the path of the Sith is not an easy one..." I told her as I moved between her and a column. I silently called my staff back to my right hand and grabbed two throwing daggers out of my pouch with my left.

"COWARD!!" She exclaimed, "Come and face me like a TRUE SITH!!"

Ouch, that one hurt, good thing i'm ready for her counter attack.

I yelled and rushed her, but she was ready as she fired a flurry of hip shots. I dropped my right leg under me into a slide and ducked under the shots. I returned her shots with my daggers, throwing them with all I had. She dodged the first but the second caught her in the hip. She reels from the pain, but before she can remove it, I stepped out of my slide, re-gripped my staff with both hands, and swung it at the handle of the dagger. The strike buries the blade to the pommel in her side.

She screams in pure agony and its... music to my ears.

However, before I could enjoy the song or go for another hit, she punched my in the face with more force than possible and put a two blaster bolts in my left shoulder. I grunted in pain, dropping my staff as i reached for my shoulder. Big Mistake, as she reaches for it and the thing flew into her hand. She rushed forward, dropping blood all along the way, and slammed it into my injured shoulder. The pain ran across my chest. I reached for the staff with my working hand and yanked out to the side, using the momentum to kick the woman in the gut. It worked and the weapon flew away from us and as she reached for her stomach, I reach into my pouch and pulled out another dagger. I slammed it into her back as she was doubled over in pain.

She screams in such sorrowful pain, and with it had brings a genuine smile to my face. I threw my hands out toward her and she was sent flying backward.

She yelped as the dagger in her back met with the floor. She lied there for a minuet as she was calming the pain in her body. But all the while I was on my knees, hands clasped, and deep in focus.

I call back to the day all this started, or night rather. The day my father died, the day my home was attacked by mercenaries now extinct. The day i was forced to watch as my family was ravaged, the day i became absolutely and truly alone... I redirect all these emotions of hatred and negativity, all with my will to never be that weak again.

The air around me became charged with static electricity, but it seemed i wasn't the only one with this idea. I look at my opponent as she stood with a look of utter rage.

"If I die i'm taking you with my little SITH!!!!" She yelled as she forced her hands out, and I mirrored the motion with my own hands.

She released her lightning with a bloodcurdling scream but it didn't ever reach me. The lightning she was trying to kill me with had arched back toward the knives in her side and back. Her body screamed as her body violently twitched.

"With all the metal in your body I wouldn't even need to aim, the lighting would go straight to those daggers every time." I said as I released my own power. She was lying on her back twitching and her body contorting to inhuman levels. "I'm sorry" I whispered as a single tear fell down my face. I stopped, lowering my hands to my sides. She is dead, no need to check, she is burnt like toast.

I make my way out of the temple, whatever drew me here is gone. It's over, too bad it cost the life of one so talented.

What a waste.

Darth Renatus, 23 April, 2016 2:20 AM UTC

Syntax

Oh [man, oh] Sithspit! What was I thinking?!? My [lightsaber] is useless against this woman! Her [rage], doubled with her Juyo style, is unstoppable, but the dark side corrodes her mind... yes... that's it!

[...]

Just as I looked up to see [her] lightsaber above me, I dropped to one knee and threw both hands forward with all my might[. An] unseen blast has thrown the Dark Jedi backward.

[...]

She defensively [responded]. [Ohh] looks like I touched a nerve, [I'll] save that for later...

[...]

"COWARD!!" [she] exclaimed, "[come] and face me like a TRUE SITH!!"

When using "he said, she said" context and joining the two dialogue with a comma, you don't need to capitalize inside the dialogue.

Ouch, that one hurt, good thing [I'm] ready for her counter attack.

[...]

[She] punched [me] in the face with more force than [should be] possible and put two blaster bolts in my left shoulder. I grunted in pain, dropping my staff as [I] reached for my shoulder. Big [mistake], as she reaches for it and the thing flew into her hand.

[...]

She screams in such sorrowful pain, and it brings a genuine smile to my face.

[...]

She [laid] there for a [minute] as she was calming the pain in her body.

[...]

The day [I] was forced to watch as my family was ravaged, the day [I] became absolutely and truly alone...

[...]

The air around me became charged with static electricity, but it seemed [I] wasn't the only one with this idea.

[...]

"If I die [I'm] taking you with [me] little SITH!!!!" She yelled as she forced her hands out, and I mirrored the motion with my own hands.

Story

doubled with her Juyo style

You should try to avoid just saying "Juyo style" when it is something you haven't shown your character to have knowledge of. He only knows Form 0, how and when did he recognize the motions that make up Juyo?

I dropped to one knee and threw both hands forward with all my might, an unseen blast has thrown the Dark Jedi backward.

Show the reader what they are doing. Describe the summoning of the power within them in order to do it. It is more than just thrusting your palms.

Realism

I returned her shots with my daggers, throwing them with all I had. She dodged the first but the second caught her in the hip.

The daggers were in your off hand earlier, unless this is a continuity issue. As it is currently, you threw with your off hand without any skill that allows you to use it as effectively as your main hand. Minor realism hit as this doesn't read as a "lucky hit".

The air around me became charged with static electricity, but it seemed i wasn't the only one with this idea.

Two problems here, in terms of realism. First off, that's not really how Lightning works. It channels down your arms and out your hands. It might crackle in your fingers but not charge the air. As well, you have +3 and don't require much to use it, whereas your opponent is +1 and requires intense emotion that isn't well depicted here.

She released her lightning with a bloodcurdling scream but it didn't ever reach me. The lightning she was trying to kill me with had arched back toward the knives in her side and back. Her body screamed as her body violently twitched.

Again, that's not how this power works in Star Wars, nor our system. It is directed energy from her hands. It wouldn't jump to the dagger buried in her back.

“So you’re going to kill me, are you?” Xlynn’s mouth curled slightly, watching the Knight’s face.

“Yes. If that isn’t obvious that gives me all the more reason to kill you for your stupidity,” Alara spat upon the ground, still keeping her lightsaber in position over the Neophyte’s head. She turned her head to his gaze once more and peered into his eyes.

Suddenly Alara’s head swam with flashbacks. She saw the bloodied faces of her parents on the night that she murdered them. She saw the look of despair and anger again on her master Shadow’s face as she fled the scene into darkness. The Knight saw the fool that her master chose as her husband that glared at her with shaking fists. She suddenly saw the flashback of the mercenaries taking her as a child. Alara saw the malicious looks on their faces as they dragged her three year old self away from her home planet. A tear dragged itself down her dirty cheek. She suddenly felt mixes of grief, despair, anger, and overall frustration.

“Look. You’re still there. Your sanity isn’t quite lost… You don’t have to destroy me. Let me help,” Xlynn attempted to use this moment of weakness for his advantage. Alara hesitated for a moment, but quickly regained her confidence.

She looked back at him as fire burned within her eyes. The Knight could practically feel the chaos of this planet strengthening her. With every breath, she absorbed the fiery planet’s character. She stayed silent for a moment. Xlynn attempted to ignite his saber, but Alara, being unusually calm, sliced off his arm before he could do so. Xlynn let out a cry of sheer terror and pain as his disconnected member twitched on the floor in front of him.

“You don’t understand, “ Alara looked down solemnly at the sobbing teenager, “Those visions you gave me are all the reasons why I must do this.”

“I’m sorry! I thought those visions would help… I thought they would---”

The half-Sephi interrupted his begging, ”I must accept who I am. I am Dark.”

With that, she removed his other arm. She let out a roar of sheer anger. Her lightsaber fell to the ground along with the hair, skin, and organs of the poor Neophyte before her. Her hands, appearing to be fueled by the Darkest Side of the Force, tore open flesh, broke bone, and marred what was left of Xlynn WolfStalker. The screams of her victim echoed throughout the tower. These sounds only pushed Alara to cause further destruction. It was like the very spirit of evil was upon her. The once desolate, darkened room was now splattered with what was left of the boy. Xlynn eventually couldn’t take the pain anymore, and gave up his ghost to the Force. Alara, still on the rampage, spread his body all across the room. Once this was accomplished, she stood up and shook off her hands of the blood that dyed her skin a tinge of crimson. She smirked. What she was meant to do was officially completed. The half-Sephi felt such power pulsing through her veins. She looked behind at the scattered corpse with glowing amber eyes.

“Well, that’s not the last of them.”

She retrieved what she could of her opponent’s belongings and instinctively left the tower, walking towards her ship.

Darth Renatus, 23 April, 2016 2:27 AM UTC

Realism

“Those visions you gave me are all the reasons why I must do this.”

As it was 1) never clear to the reader the visions were being caused by him and 2) only possible with his use of perhaps Illusion, which at +1 couldn't be used under the stress of combat, I have to mark this as a realism error.

With that, she removed his other arm. She let out a roar of sheer anger. Her lightsaber fell to the ground along with the hair, skin, and organs of the poor Neophyte before her. Her hands, appearing to be fueled by the Darkest Side of the Force, tore open flesh, broke bone, and marred what was left of Xlynn WolfStalker

I have to assume as the reader that she used her saber to remove the arm. If not, this is somewhat beyond your skills. Even with Rage pushing you to perhaps +4 Might, delimbing requires inhuman amounts of strength. Beyond that, if it was the saber, the arm would cut clean... and I'm not sure where organs would be falling out of an arm. Perhaps you meant to depict that she was savaging him with her bare hands which caused his, well, body tissue and parts to go into disarray.