Knight Kor Vaal vs. Warrior Delak Krennel

Knight Kor Vaal

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Kel Dor, Sith, Arcanist
vs.

Warrior Delak Krennel

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

This was more or less the safe route in terms of story: a sparring match, pre-arranged, between Clansmen. While that could be spun into a more interesting story, there was never really an attempt made to do so.

What hurt you both consistently throughout the match was Syntax. A proofreader, that is reliable and accurate, is a lifeline that we all strive to find in the club. Find yours and don't let them run away! Beyond that, the story was rather unimaginative and superficial. Other than the initial building blocks, Delak's posts seemed to abandon depth of character and motivation, while Kor appeared to try for more depth while not really adding much to the story.

Realism and Continuity errors were also to be found between you. A proofer can also help with this, as they can question the actions on display. I'm sure with a bit more study, you both can fix these issues up without help. It's more practice and understanding than anything else.

With the scores tallied, Knight Kor Vaal comes out with the win.

Looking forward to the next match.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Kor Vaal, Warrior Delak Krennel
Winner Knight Kor Vaal
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Kor Vaal's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Delak Krennel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 3 July, 2016 8:17 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Kor Vaal Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: A lot of repeated issues and inconsistencies that could have been caught with a good proofer. Rationale: Your first post didn't appear to have any effort made for proofing, though your follow up was better.
Story - 40%
Kor Vaal Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Rationale:
Realism - 25%
Kor Vaal Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had a minor issue with the description of a Force power, and minor issue with realistic damage. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Inaccurate portrayal of Kor that runs contrary to his listed Aspects, as well as a realism issue regarding sabers.
Continuity - 20%
Kor Vaal Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that I took note of. Rationale: You had multiple continuity issues that add up to a more severe hit due to their weight.
Kor Vaal's Score: 3.65 Tribune Kanal O'neill's Score: 3.3
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

The blue waters of Lake Paonga shimmered brightly in the sun like it made of glass. Delak sat on a boulder which was large as a bantha just off of the beach near the water’s edge. His meeting with Kor was supposed to have happened early in the morning but he had received word that the Kel Dor was having starship problems. Delak had warned him not to take one of the local shuttles from Caina but of course, Kor didn’t listen. He soon learned the error of his ways. Delak had waited several hours impatiently for the man to arrive and was getting restless. He decided to move to the location of their meeting instead of waiting here. Delak stood up from his perch atop the boulder. The tide was high, closing the distance to the boulder. He pulled a small rebreather from his belt and popped it into his mouth. He took a few quick breaths to test the device before taking the plunge into the lukewarm waters of the lake. He began the slow swim below the waters to the Gungan Capital city of Otoh Gunga. As he swam deeper and deeper into the water he could see all manner of fish and eels swimming away from him. He knew that if he went any further away from the city that he would run into some massive underwater creatures and that wasn’t something he wanted to take part in at this juncture.

Delak approached the domed city of Otoh Gunga and swam closer to the main entrance. He fluttered his arms back and forth to get himself upright near the entry field so that he was upright and walking when he entered. He entered the dome and was very wet. He was dripping from head to toe like a wet nerf after bathing in a stream. He checked his blaster and lightsaber immediately upon entering the city to make sure they were still functional. Thankfully he had waterproofed his saber and had turned his blasters power supply off before entering the water. Both devices seemed like they were fully functional at the moment. It was the wait that was killing the proud Sith Warrior. He was from royal blood and as such his upbringing made him very impatient. He was used to people doing what he said when he said it. This was ridiculous. He would surely scold the Knight at some point about listening to him about space vehicles. Delak watched closely as the local Gungans took notice of him and chose to avoid the new Human rather than get in his way. This was very smart of them because they would be crushed like insects if any of them dared to get close. The stories he had heard of the Gungan race would make you shudder in disgust. The stories about the Gungan turned Senator who assisted the original rise of the Empire was one story that every Sith knew. Even with this one thing done right for the Emperor it did not make up for the rest of the blunders he had following him. The idiot Gungan had not been seen for many years and was most likely dead by this time. He hoped never to meet a Gungan like that one especially.

Delak stood near the entrance portal to the city for another hour before the Kel Dor male finally showed his masked face.

“Well you sure took your sweet time getting her Kor Vaal. I hope I didn’t wait for nothing.” Delak scoffed. The Kel Dor stood there in silence. He looked like a stone statue just standing in place. Finally he spoke, “I am sorry for my tardiness Delak. I will never take a shuttle from that man again.”

“That’s what happens when you don’t listen to someone who has worked on the planet with all those people before. They are criminals, the whole lot of them. Now onto the reason we are here. The Emperor thought it would be funny to have a training session here. He detests Gungans and he knows of my utter dislike for the race. This is a joke.” Delak muttered in anger.

“He evidently is hoping to have some of them interfere in our training. This is as good a location as any to begin.” Kor stated.

“Very well.” Delak said. “Let’s duel.” Delak threw his wet cloak to the side. Kor followed his actions. Delak unclipped his saber from its place on his belt while Kor did the same. Delak’s saber sprung to life with lightning speed, the hum instantly audible. His crimson saber lit up the floor surrounding him with a red glow that looked like a sunset against the brass colored floors. Kor’s blade lit with a snap hiss. Delak took a defensive stance as the Kel Dor took a more aggressive stance with his hands held high above his head. Delak’s pose was slight offset with one leg forward, knee bent, with his back leg outstretched for balance. He waited for the Knight’s attack to come. It happened. Kor sprung straight at him with a wildly aggressive flurry coming in high and then wide. He was striking without fear of the Warrior before him. Delak fended off the blows, one by one, he avoided every attacking parrying them away with his blade. The Sith was waiting for an opening to attack, there it was! Kor had raised his hands high above his head for a power blow. That’s when he struck. Delak launched into the Kel Dor with a shoulder to his midsection. He caught the Knight of guard and he fell backwards. His imbalance was enough for Delak to take the offensive. He swung his saber with all of his fury. He landed blow after blow on the enemies’ lightsaber. Sparks flew off of the sabers like fireflies in the night sky. The Knight dropped backward stumbling a bit and when he did Delak landed a blow against his armored shoulder leaving a blackened scar on it. Kor stood up slowly with his saber in the ready while Delak stood once again in a defensive stance.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2016 11:48 PM UTC

Syntax

To start, before anything else, you need to separate out your paragraphs a lot more frequently. You are leaving large walls of text that make the flow rather trying for a reader. Breaking it up more will give your reader a mental break and make it easier to consume large amounts.

in the sun like it made of glass

Should be "like it [was] made of glass"

He soon learned the error of his ways. Delak had waited several hours impatiently for the man to arrive and was getting restless.

I'd throw in a hard return between these two sentences. Good place to put in a pause before continuing on.

instead of waiting here

Should be "there" not "here".

He began the slow swim below the waters

The verbage here is odd. Would better to use "long" instead of "slow".

the Gungan Capital city of Otoh Gunga.

The capital on "Capital" is unneeded.

He entered the dome and was very wet.

This feels unfinished, clipped.

his blasters power supply

It should be "blaster's".

The stories he had heard of the Gungan race would make you shudder in disgust. The stories about the Gungan turned Senator who assisted the original rise of the Empire was one story that every Sith knew.

Repetition of "stories", try to change it up.

for nothing.” Delak scoffed.

It should be: for nothing," Delak scoffed. It's a case of "he said, she said" which is part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

“Well you sure took your sweet time getting her Kor Vaal. I hope I didn’t wait for nothing.” Delak scoffed. The Kel Dor stood there in silence. He looked like a stone statue just standing in place. Finally he spoke, “I am sorry for my tardiness Delak. I will never take a shuttle from that man again.”

You shouldn't have dialogue from two separate individuals in the same paragraph.

This is a joke.” Delak muttered in anger.

to begin.” Kor stated.

well." Delak said.

Again, should be a comma in the dialogue.

Delak’s pose was slight offset

Should be "slightly".

Delak fended off the blows, one by one, he avoided every attacking parrying them away with his blade.

Should be: Delak fended off the blows one by one, avoiding every attack by parrying them away with his blade.

The Sith was waiting for an opening to attack, there it was!

Should have maintained the clipped sentences you were using here as well, instead of a comma. Additionally, when using that style of narrative pacing it really helps to break it up more into paragraphs. This section is where it hurts you the most for the reader.

the Knight of guard

Should be "off guard".

the enemies’ lightsaber.

Should be "enemy's" unless he has split into several.

The Knight dropped backward stumbling a bit and when he did Delak landed a blow against his armored shoulder leaving a blackened scar on it.

Should have commas around "stumbling a bit".

Realism

The Knight dropped backward stumbling a bit and when he did Delak landed a blow against his armored shoulder leaving a blackened scar on it.

Where did the armor come from? The CS description of your opponent describes clearly that he wears overlapping robes with a cloak. Should also be clear that it is a glancing blow, as a full blow (even to armor) would cleave through.

General Comments

The idiot Gungan had not been seen for many years and was most likely dead by this time.

You're lucky I can't take off points for referencing Jar Jar.

The Kel Dor held his attack at bay, his saber gripped two handed and pointing straight up towards the domed ceiling high above them. He wanted to rush the Warrior, but he knew his advantage did not lie in a straight duel. They were equally competent saberists, there was no mistaking that, but Kor Vaal had done his research on his opponent before their encounter and he knew where Delak’s strengths lay. The human’s defensive style was not the issue here; all walls could be broken eventually. It was the endurance that lay behind the lightsaber which gave the Knight pause and Kor knew there was little chance his stamina would hold out long enough to breach the Warrior’s defences. He needed to get Delak’s lightsaber away from him. But how? He stole a quick glance at his surroundings. The pod they were in was no more than fifty feet in diameter and sparsely furnished, containing nothing but some large barrels pushed to the edges opposite the door. There would be little to help him there.

“I’m disappointed Kor,” Delak mocked, “I expected some actual fight from you.”

Kor ignored the barb. He needed to think of some way to gain the advantage, if only for a moment. But there was nothing here he could use, not even any Gungans. There were two stationed outside the pods sealed entrance, but they had their backs to the duel taking place. Were they purposely ignoring what was going on in their city? Did the Consul’s influence stretch this far? He pushed the thought aside, it mattered little at the present.

“Do you hope to win by me dying of old age, Knight?” Delak continued. Kor Vaal said nothing.

The Kel Dor’s thoughts drifted back to the guards and, more specifically, the entrance to their pod. Kor was closest to it, he could get out, but Delak would simply follow him. Kor couldn’t exactly trap him here. He could try and breach the circular walls of the pod and flood the place, but he had no idea if his lightsaber would properly disrupt the bubble’s force-field. Would Delak know either?

The Warrior relaxed his stance. “If this is what passes for a Knight in Excidium now, I worry for the future of the Clan.”

“Worry not,” Kor replied, “You may not see that future”.

He had his plan now. Delak’s indignation died on his lips as Kor ran at him, swinging his saber in a wide arc at the human’s midriff. Delak spun his saber down and around to knock the blow aside, and the Kel Dor went with the movement, spinning and striking down to Delak’s right. Delak stepped back and blocked again, but Kor Vaal kept up his momentum, swinging and thrusting in an unrelenting barrage as the screech of deflecting sabers reverberated dully from the domed chamber. The human’s defence was impenetrable, and he weathered the onslaught of blows, giving up as little ground as he could, but Kor didn’t need to push him back too far. Just far enough. Delak parried an overhead blow and suddenly Kor broke away, retreating back towards the bubble’s entrance, his breathing fast and heavy through his face mask.

“So you do have some fight in you,” mused Delak as he sank back into his defensive posture, showing little fatigue from the exchange.

“I do. Enough to push you marginally away from the exit. Tell me Delak Krennel,” Kor inched closer to the curved wall, “How much water do you think these pods can fill with before they automatically seal?”

Kor raised his lightsaber to swing at the pods wall, and Delak’s face suddenly contorted with angry realisation. “No!” he shouted as he started running. Delak only had one option, and he hurled his lightsaber at Kor, the red blade spinning end over end. The Kel Dor brought his blade back, knocking his opponents saber to the side and instantly shot his left hand out, his fingers curling into a tight claw as he drew on the Force and cast all the hatred he could muster at the human. Delak stumbled with the sudden shock of Force disconnection, losing the pull he was exerting to return his saber to his hand and it passed just above his reaching fingers, extinguishing and skittering away from him. The human skidded to a halt, his awareness snapping back just in time to duck beneath the Kel Dor’s blue blade as it swung for his neck. Delak spun and drove the Force hard into his legs, trying to rush back to his fallen weapon, but not fast enough. He felt the kiss of Kor’s weapon slice into his left calf as he lunged, not deep enough to cripple him but enough that a shout of pain escaped him. Still he managed to clear the Kel Dor’s reach, crashing onto his side. Delak flicked his hand out and his saber flew into his hand. Fighting through the pain in his leg, the Warrior ignited his saber and pushed himself to one knee, swinging his blade up just in time to block an overhead swing from Kor.

Darth Renatus, 7 July, 2016 12:11 AM UTC

Syntax

You might want to pay more attention to the pacing of your paragraphs and break them up more to enhance readability.

Warrior’s defences. He needed to get

Good spot to start a new paragraph.

the pods sealed entrance,

Should be "pod's".

He pushed the thought aside, it mattered little at the present.

Should use a semicolon here, or a connecting word after the comma.

The human’s defence was impenetrable, and he weathered the onslaught of blows, giving up as little ground as he could, but Kor didn’t need to push him back too far.

Comma splicing.

at the pods wall

his opponents saber

Should be possessive.

Story

Kor Vaal had done his research on his opponent before their encounter and he knew where Delak’s strengths lay

Try to show us these things rather than just "researching them". Learn through the actions. This is a very lazy plot point that can become overused and detract from your story.

Realism

The Kel Dor brought his blade back, knocking his opponents saber to the side and instantly shot his left hand out, his fingers curling into a tight claw as he drew on the Force and cast all the hatred he could muster at the human. Delak stumbled with the sudden shock of Force disconnection

Without the feat for severing the connection, Suppression only works to suppress that connection. The use of "disconnection" is far too harsh for the effect of this ability. It would become distant, more difficult to feel and wield. There is a Feat at Elder level that allows for full disconnection, making this a realism error in how you depicted it.

Fighting through the pain in his leg, the Warrior ignited his saber and pushed himself to one knee, swinging his blade up just in time to block an overhead swing from Kor.

Delak has only +1 Resolve and lacking in Control Self. You're going to need a better explanation for how he is fighting through the pain. Especially when from a saber burn, it would be excruciating.

Delak kneeled on his robotic leg, using the appendage to hold himself up while he began to concentrate on healing his open wound. He had to admit to himself that his healing skills were not as learned as he would like. The healing was not very quick. Delak watched the Kel Dor silently pace back and forth. He knew he only had a few more seconds before the Knight launched another attack. He managed to heal the interior muscle but there would be a scar where the saber had slashed him. Another one to add to the trophy collection. It was at that time that the Kel Dor male attacked again. He came right after the wounded Warrior. Delak flipped to his left metallic hand using it as a pivot point and quickly kicked up his good leg right into the man’s chest. He was knocked backwards and stumbled as he moved. He was caught off guard by this new tactic from Delak.

Delak smiled a little as his opponent had a confused look on his face. Delak stood up as best he could. The wound was not fully healed and he couldn’t afford to try and heal any further. He would have to do his best against the trained Knight. The Kel Dor launched another attack on Delak with a flurry of wide attacks aimed at the Warriors midsection. Delak parried the attacks. He was wounded and sluggish but he was able to just barely keep up with Kor. He continued to stave off attack after attack, moving slowly backwards with each blow. Delak stepped backwards until he was close to the entryway to the dome. Delak stopped suddenly and pushed his opponent backwards slightly giving him enough room to maneuver. Delak jumped against the door, using it as leverage, to attack Kor head on. It gave him enough extra power to hit the man square in the jaw with a right hook. He fell backwards and stumbled back enough to hit a railing preventing a fall to the next level of the dome. Delak pressed the attack and caught the now kneeling Kel Dor with an uppercut just below his facial mask which sent him spinning over the railing to the floor below where he almost hit a couple of Gungans that had been sitting there.

Delak stepped up to the railing and looked down on his enemy. He was sprawled out like a baby. It appeared that he had hit his head on the way down. The fall would not be the worst of it. Looking down on his foe Delak used all of his concentration to shoot electrical currents from his fingertips down on his unsuspecting foe. The man shook violently as the attack hit its mark. The lightsaber he held shorted out and came back to life and then sparked out completely from the electrical feedback. This fight was just getting interesting as Delak ceased his attack and then took a leap over the railing. He landed next to the man heavily. He landed another blow as he dropped an elbow across the man’s chest. Delak had a smile on his face wide as a full moon. He was beginning to enjoy this.

Darth Renatus, 7 July, 2016 12:56 AM UTC

Syntax

He was knocked backwards and stumbled as he moved. He was caught off guard by this new tactic from Delak.

Repetition of "he was " and unclear to the reader who the focus is.

the Warriors midsection.

Should be possessive.

backwards with each blow. Delak stepped backwards [...] pushed his opponent backwards

Repetition of "backwards".

Story

his opponent had a confused look on his face

I'd love to see what a confused Kel Dor looks like, what with the mask and stuff. Describe it a bit better.

He was beginning to enjoy this.

This is an Alternative Ending match. That means nothing comes after this post story wise. The way you ended it here gives the reader the impression there is more to come, but immediately. There is no sense of conclusion to this match. As far as I can tell, the fight isn't over.

Realism

Delak watched the Kel Dor silently pace back and forth. He knew he only had a few more seconds before the Knight launched another attack.

Kor quite literally has an Aspect devoted to going "For The Throat". He ends fights quickly, by all means. He wouldn't pace and waste an advantage.

The lightsaber he held shorted out and came back to life and then sparked out completely from the electrical feedback.

Seen a lot of people get shocked in the movies and shows, can't say I've ever seen a saber be shorted just because the person was holding it when they got shocked. The sabers even work underwater in Clone Wars for Ahsoka and Anakin. This is a realism hit.

Continuity

Delak watched the Kel Dor silently pace back and forth. He knew he only had a few more seconds before the Knight launched another attack.

The previous post ended with an overhead strike and Delak blocking. Why is Kor pacing?

to hit a railing preventing a fall to the next level of the dome. Delak pressed the attack and caught the now kneeling Kel Dor with an uppercut just below his facial mask which sent him spinning over the railing to the floor below where he almost hit a couple of Gungans that had been sitting there.

Since you didn't establish the scene in your first post, Kor did in the second. He describes the pod quite clearly and there are no levels to it, as described here.

He landed next to the man heavily.

You've described the leg as tender, then just leap down without issue?

The two Sith held each other’s gaze, their sabers locked, arms straining to gain the upper hand. Kor was putting everything he had into breaking the deadlock, trying to force the kneeling Delak’s blade down, but even injured the Warrior was unmoving. Delak was straining with effort now, but still his defence would not break. With a monumental effort the human thrust upwards, pushing Kor back and giving Delak enough time to stand. Kor stumbled back but soon righted himself and resumed his attack, swinging his saber wildly. Fatigue was starting to wear at him now, but the blow he had dealt to Delak was taking its toll on the warrior. His defence was still strong, and every one of the Kel Dor’s blows was caught and turned to the side, but the movements were more sluggish and hasty, where before they had been tight and expertly timed. Both warriors knew this was simply a waiting game now; one of them would tire, either Kor Vaal’s attack would subside and leave himself open to an attack, or Delak’s defence would falter.

Delak battered a swing from the Kel Dor aside, timed well enough to make the Knight stumble backwards a step. “That’s enough Kor!” The warrior shouted, the words coming in between ragged breaths now, “This exercise has gone on long enough.”

The Kel Dor paused, but kept his saber held in front of him. This human wished to see him fight, but now that victory for one hung so close it was time to cease? Was this weakness he could sense in the Warrior? Kor would not relent now, he would not bow down to the orders of this other. He let the indignation build inside him, pulling the Force into himself and letting white hot anger pour into his limbs.

I think, Delak Krennel,” Kor hissed through his faceplate “That this exercise is just beginning.”

“I gave you an order Knight!” Delak said, letting the Force build in himself, but in a very different way.

Kor barely heard the words, his Force fuelled anger drumming in his head, pushing all sense out of him. He let out a scream of rage and leapt at the human, the ice blue lightsaber held high, ready to bring down and cleave the human in twain. Delak clenched his teeth and shot his hand out, tendrils of lightning bursting from his fingers as the built up Force energies were released in a burst of harsh light. The storm enveloped the knight, the veins of electricity snaking over his body as he crashed to the ground screaming in pain. Delak lowered his hand, panting heavily at the exertion of power. Slowly, he approached the twitching form of the Knight who lay on his front before him, the acrid stench of scorched cloth and flesh making Delak grimace.

“This exercise…is done Kor Vaal.” Delak said between ragged breaths.

Pain racked Kor, the sheer effort of retaining consciousness almost overloading his senses. He reached out a trembling hand, stretching to reach his lightsaber which had landed close to his prone form. He tightened his fingers round the hilt and ignited the blade, using all his strength to lift him from his prone position, determined to land a decisive strike on the Warrior. He brought his arm back for the swing and raised his head, the barrel of a blaster greeting him.

“I gave you an order Kor Vaal. You will serve your Clan and the Brotherhood, or you will die here. You won’t swing fast enough to stop me pulling the trigger, so make you choice. Now.”

The Kel Dor looked froze. He looked up at the human’s grim expression, and for a moment his anger flared up and all he could think of was swinging his blade at the human. But there was not enough in him now. He knew he was spent. With a cracked and frustrated sigh, he extinguished his saber and slumped back to the floor, letting the black of unconsciousness take him.

Darth Renatus, 7 July, 2016 1:13 AM UTC

Syntax

His defence was still strong, and every one of the Kel Dor’s blows was caught and turned to the side, but the movements were more sluggish and hasty, where before they had been tight and expertly timed.

Comma splicing.

“That’s enough Kor!” The warrior shouted

No need for a capital on "The", and there should be a comma before the name.

I think, Delak Krennel,” Kor hissed through his faceplate “That this exercise is just beginning.”

Missed the opening quotation and missed any form of punctuation after "faceplate".

“I gave you an order Knight!”

Like with names, should have a comma.

Kor Vaal.” Delak said

Comma, not a period.

The Kel Dor looked froze.

Should be "frozen".

He looked up at the human’s grim expression, and for a moment his anger flared up and all he could think of was swinging his blade at the human

Repetition of "human".

Story

letting the Force build in himself, but in a very different way.

Show us. This is incredibly vague.