DJK Meleu Karthdo vs. SBM Kz'set

Knight Meleu Karthdo

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Battlemaster Kz'set

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Verpine, Sith, Shadow
Comment

The numbers, in this case are clear. Without them, it is also clear that Kz'set is the winner. If Meleu gets some more experience under his belt and pays better attention to the character sheets, this match would not have been as easy to call. Kz'set, you can do better, and will need to against fiercer competition.

Good work both of you. Congrats on what I think is one of the first official ACC matches to be graded on the live site.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants DJK Meleu Karthdo, SBM Kz'set
Winner SBM Kz'set
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
DJK Meleu Karthdo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
SBM Kz'set's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 4 May, 2014 1:56 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia Meleu Karthdo
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: minor things Rationale: Nothing that prevented me from reading or enjoying the material, but enough small things that could be fixed with a simple proof reading.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia Meleu Karthdo
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A good narative between master and student. Rationale: A good narrative between master and student.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia Meleu Karthdo
Score: 4 Score: 1
Rationale: Good use of the Character Sheets accurately. Rationale: You had Kz'set use a Force Power they don't have. However, you didn't play on it other than mention it in the first place, so it saved you from getting a MD/0.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia Meleu Karthdo
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Didn't play up damage from previous post. Rationale: Maintained damages between posts
Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia's Score: 3.8 Meleu Karthdo's Score: 2.7
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

The two Sith approached one another. One Apprentice and one Master. The younger of the two inspected the large room around him, noticing that there would be no shadows for his Master to hide within. The thin air on the Moon had started to take its toll on the two Sith, who were slightly drained of physical strength as a result of no breathing apparatus available during the duel.

Meleu motioned to his Master to step forward and ignite hir hilt. S/he moved into hir firm stance, waiting for the move of hir opponent. Guiding hir lightsaber hilt to hir right-hand, s/he immediately ignited the blade and angled it slightly towards the floor. With a sudden movement of hir left hand, s/he conjured a barrier against the force around hirself.

The younger Sith replied, but in a less fluid action. Propelling himself in the air using the force, he jumped towards his master. Whilst in mid-air, he grabbed his lightsaber hilt and ignited it in time to strike down upon the Verpine. Kz'set sensed the danger and before the blade was able to be driven into hir, s/he parried the opponent's blade away from hir.

In an instant, the Juggernaut pounced back towards his master, who replied with a bolt of energy directed towards Meleu. With immediate success, the energy was dissipated in mid-air by the Knight and he landed only feet away from the Verpine.

Kz'set once again angled hir blade towards the floor, but edged towards Meleu, trying to play a game of patience. Meleu walked towards his master, who stayed in his place. As he got within the range of a jab from his master's strike, he rolled to the right hand side but his left leg was caught by the tip of his master's saber, leaving a large gash down it.

Meleu focused his force energy on the wound, but was promptly interrupted by the Verpine.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 4 May, 2014 4:28 AM UTC

The thin air on the Moon had started to take its toll on the two Sith, who were slightly drained of physical strength as a result of no breathing apparatus available during the duel.

Huh? They are inside the Shadow Academy, and the room would be ventilated, gravity regulated, and have plenty of oxygen in it. You have the first post, so there is no reason for either of you to be "drained of physical strength"

s/he conjured a barrier against the force around hirself.

Always capitalize the Force so we know if you are referencing a force of nature or the mystical power we call "the Force". Also, Kz'set does not have the Force Power: "Barrier". Not sure how he wold throw one up. There is no indication of Kz'set having a powerful Resolve either (only a +1) so it's not like he is preparing himself for a mental attack. No other feats give merit to what was described here.

...leg was caught by the tip of his master's saber, leaving a large gash down it.

If you actually got cut in the leg with a lightsaber, you're not really going to be able to do much for the rest of the fight. I know it's a short fight, but inflicting a lightsaber gash in your first post, even on yourself, is a bit much.

Kz'set sensed the moment was right to move in to finish his apprentice, but decided it would be a more suitable lesson to prolong this duel a bit longer. Meleu needed to learn to fight wounded and there was no better time for him to learn. Instead of moving to a more aggressive finishing sequence, the Verpine continued to make probing slashes, carefully selected to see how Meleu would respond. S/he knew Meleu had somehow picked up Ataru and was not skilled in defense. His parries were sloppy, but effective, his cerulean blade turning aside the Verpine's orange one each time.

"Your defense is improving, but still needs work." Kz'set buzzed as he continued to probe Meleu's defenses with small, probing slashes and jabs. Meleu snorted and did his best to launch an attack in what he thought was a moment where the Verpine was slightly distracted. Kz'set had anticipated this and smoothly snapped hir saber around to parry each thrust.

"Nice try." Kz'set clicked. "Patience is a virtue in combat as well, a lesson that you apparently need to be retaught. Wait for your opponent to make a mistake and exploit it."

Meleu grimaced and replied as he launched another furious series of slashes. "Or you could force the mistake"

Kz'set was a bit thrown off by the ferocity of the attacks and was forced to yield ground, but still was able to parry and deflect the blows. As Meleu continued to swing aggressively, one of his slashes left him slightly off balance. Kz'set quickly took advantage by unleashing a wave of telekinetic energy towards Meleu. The wave of force sent him sprawling back a few meters and separated him from his lightsaber, which clattered to the durasteel floor a few meters away.

Kz'set stared down at hir apprentice, clearly in pain from the fall. "That's the problem with trying to force the mistake, you often make one in the process."

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 4 May, 2014 4:36 AM UTC

"Your defense is improving, but still needs work."

Saying this to an Ataru practitioner is like telling a Wookie he's hairy. :P

was able to parry

Repetitive use of parry, try synonyms.

You also don't really play up the fact that he was singed with a lazer sword in his leg. If Kz'set was really giving him time to heal or recover, even, you'd need to mention Melu drawing on the Force to either Control Pain (Control Self) and/or Heal.

Meleu reached out with the Force towards his hilt, flipping up onto his feet as it landed in his right hand. He smirked as he looked at his master.

Spitting out the blood in his mouth onto the floor, he mocked his master. "Is that all that you have got?"

In a final burst of strength and might, Meleu let out a furious flurry of aggressive strikes against his master, fueled by the Force. He forced his master towards the corner of the large room. With the Verpine losing hir strength against the Knight, s/he fell onto hir back, with hir back now against the wall of the sparring room.

In a final effort to stay alive against hir apprentice, s/he parried off the end of the sequence Meleu was forcing upon hir. Meleu kicked his master's orange saber from his right hand. Using the Force to retrieve it, he held the blade in his left hand, with his own in his right.

"Yield master, I don't want to send you to the kolto tanks," Meleu commanded, smirking as he did so.

"I wouldn't speak so soon," the Verpine clicked.

Meleu took this as an insult and moved in for the killing blow, raising both of the sabers. The bug predicted the strike, and rolled to hir right hand side, grabbing hir Verpine shatter pistol from hir cloak. Directing the slugthrower towards Meleu, firing it off towards hir apprentice. In a last ditch effort to save his own life, Meleu absorbed most of the impact of the slug, but suffered major bruising to his ribs.

He slumped against the wall of the room, but his eyes blinked and an aura of anger could be sensed around him. His master's lightsaber hilt rolled back towards the Verpine, who bent over and grabbed it.

"Like I said earlier, patience is a virtue."

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 4 May, 2014 4:43 AM UTC

Spitting out the blood in his mouth onto the floor, he mocked his master. "Is that all that you have got?"

Word repetition. Master-master. Try to vary pronouns and titles.

With the Verpine losing hir strength against the Knight, s/he fell onto hir back, with hir back now against the wall of the sparring room.

Fell onto his back? If you fall on your back you'd be on the floor, not up against a wall? You could say, "Fell backwards, or dropped back." maybe.

Directing the slugthrower towards Meleu, firing it off towards hir apprentice.

Tense lapse/error.

In a last ditch effort to save his own life, Meleu absorbed most of the impact of the slug, but suffered major bruising to his ribs.

Good use of Iron Skin, here.

Meleu groaned as Kz'set strode over to him, the chitinous covering on his feet producing a clicking sound against the floor. S/he reignited the saber and pointed at hir apprentice.

"I could kill you, you know that right? It wouldn't be that difficult at this stage, you're hurt, bleeding, with several shattered bones I'd wager. Slicing your throat or putting another slug in your head wouldn't be that hard."

Meleu grimaced as he backed himself up against the wall. "Then why haven't you?" Kz'set lowered his saber a bit, the orange glow reflecting off both his carapace and the durasteel wall. "Because death is a terrible lesson." S/he deactivated the saber, but didn't help hir apprentice up quite yet. "Death is permanent, final, a lesson that can only be taught once. Pain can be repeated and often lasts as a subtle reminder. You remember pain and you seek to avoid it in the future." Meleu looked up at Kz'set "Is that all you're about, pain?"

The Verpine glared at hir apprentice. It took a lot to upset someone like Kz'set, especially when it was just words. Holding back rage to be used at the right time, that was the essence of hir power. But something about the apprentices' comment infuriated hir. S/he stared right at the beaten human, a glare that could have gone straight through him and melted the wall behind. He'd struck a nerve with the Verpine.

"Pain." Kz'set eventually said. "Pain is what we're all about, it is our way, our business, and the source of all of our power. We draw strength from pain and inflict it on others."

Meleu looked confused for a moment and then nodded. "Of course, master. But is that all you live for?"

Kz'set maintained hir glare for a moment, but then s/he turned and walked out of the room.

"I don't wish to speak of it."

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 4 May, 2014 4:49 AM UTC

Meleu looked up at Kz'set "Is that all you're about, pain?"

Should be a separate line? Can't tell if this is a response, or a continuation of the dialog. Using context clues following, yes, it should be a new line.

Not a big deal, but i point out these things to show the difference between a 5 and a 4.

You do end the fight with Kz'set walking out, but it really wasn't a defining victory in terms of the combat. Again, just little things.