Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter vs. Knight Alara Deathbane

Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter

Equite, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Knight Alara Deathbane

Journeyman, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

Alara’s first post did a great job of setting the scene for the conflict between the two characters. Both writers carried on this theme to great effect—the characters never lacked for motivation to fight. Shadow’s final post became predictable when the initiative was taken away from one of the characters. A post is generally more interesting when the reader doesn’t know how it is going to end, or when they are surprised by the ending. Alara’s ending could easily have come before Brandon’s arrival—remember that this ACC match was about the rivalry between Alara and Shadow. Though it didn’t interfere with the fight, introducing an “NPC” at the end was slightly redundant.

Both writers had hiccups in terms of realism. Alara’s posts made little attempt to account for the effects of the characters’ injuries. Shadow’s character attempted to divide her attention between too many consuming actions, without showing the physical and mental strain that it would have caused.

Overall, the two sisters’ strife was engaging to read and carried through the battle. However, Alara’s posts lay more heavily into this conflict, ultimately contributing to her victory.

Hall Unconventional Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter, Knight Alara Deathbane
Winner Knight Alara Deathbane
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter's Weapons As stated in Character sheet. (Legacy)
Knight Alara Deathbane's Weapons Primary Lightsaber, Blaster Rifle (Legacy)
Venue Myrkr: The Mighty Jungle
Last Post 8 September, 2016 4:51 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Korroth
Syntax - 15%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Alara Deathbane
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A couple of runon sentences (see comments) which, if split, would make the posts flow better. Rationale: While they don’t affect the flow of the text, there were a couple of errors. Watch the use of commas and full stops before and after quotation marks. Always ask yourself if the sentence modifies how the speech inside the quotation marks is read.
Story - 40%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Alara Deathbane
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You make good use of imagery to explain the characters’ state of mind, and you make one use of the environment in an action sequence. However, your posts generally do not not attempt to change the plot from the line set by Alara. The final post should have contained a greater element of uncertainty to make it more interesting. Rationale: Your posts do a lot in terms of emotional conflict and motivation. However, they could contain more descriptions, especially of the environment and of how characters deal with injuries.
Realism - 25%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Alara Deathbane
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Shadow’s simultaneous use of two Force powers and lightsaber action detracted from the credibility of the plot. Shadow also used Force Lightning for longer than realistic in ACC settings. Rationale: Alara’s impact on the head and Shadow’s broken rib should have had a greater effect on the characters’ actions, behaviour and physical state. As it is, they seem to have been somewhat ignored. Also, Alara should not be able to break bones without Force enhancement or assisting circumstances.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No post-to-post continuity issues found. Rationale: Your final post ignores the fact that Shadow is wielding two lightsabers. This has an impact midway through, when Alara disarms one of Shadow’s sabers and they go straight into hand-to-hand combat.
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter's Score: 3.55 Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.75
Posts

Myrkr Haunted Jungle

The forests of Myrkr are not for the faint-of-heart. The dangers that lurk under the shadowy canopy cannot be underestimated. Not even the Force can protect you from the dangers of the forest. The jungle air hangs humid. Foliage rustles and crunches underfoot of both man and beast that enter, sounds of wildlife permeating from dusk till dawn.

Myrkr is a dangerous world for nearly all sentients. Although once settled by the fabled Neti, it has long since evolved from those days. The flora of Myrkr have a high metallic mineral-count, making it easy to hide from sensors and the perfect spot to set-up a pirate base or other criminal operation. What also made this world perfect for all manner of seedy individuals is the presence of ysalamiri—creatures with the ability to neutralize the Force.

The ysalamiri are located deep within the forests of Myrkr. The creatures have evolved to create bubbles that nullify the Force to protect themselves from the dangerous predators called vornskrs. These vicious, canine-like predators hunt using the Force, and as such are highly attracted to anything that is Force-sensitive.

Alara ran as fast as she could. Tears streamed down her eyes as she sobbed in frustration. Shadow found out. Shadow found out what she had done. Alara’s younger sister discovered the treachery. She found out that Alara killed their parents. The Knight thought she had planned it oh so perfectly, but Shadow was too smart for her older sister.

“HOW COULD YOU?!!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!! AFTER MY WEDDING DAY!” Shadow hollered behind her, steadily reaching her sister’s pace. That stung in the blonde Sephi’s heart. She didn’t realize her sister would care so much even if she did find out. Perhaps that was just her subconscious trying to save her from guilt.

“I WAS FREEING YOU... I… I thought…” Alara bawled out more, stumbling slightly due to emotional exhaustion. The Knight wasn’t being anywhere near as graceful as she usually is. Her heart hung so heavy that it throbbed in her head and pulsated through her legs and arms.

“YOU THOUGHT WRONG ALARA! SO SO WRONG!” Shadow screamed. Suddenly Alara felt a push and went head first into a tree stump. They had been running so long in this forest that Alara didn’t think they would ever stop. Now she knew she was done for. Her sister might be younger, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t stronger. The Knight knew the Battlemaster had the favor in this battle. It was just a matter of time before Shadow would have to make the decision: to kill or not to kill.

“I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry! I didn’t realize… I thought you would be happier! We can be together now as a family! They can’t intervene anymore!” Alara gasped with a spin, instinctively holding her hand in front of her face.

“Alara you’re NUTS! You’ve let your emotions control your common sense! They loved me! They gave me all the love in the world, and you took that love away…” Shadow walked towards her, anger fueling her passion. Alara never saw her sister this angry before. She wasn’t sure how to respond. Those words Shadow spat at her stung, but also ignited her rage. She could feel it rising up in her stomach like embers smoking from an almost-extinguished fire. Alara blinked quickly and realized her sister had already ignited a saber. Alara jumped up and hovered her hand close to her belt, ready to do the same.

“NO SHADOW. They took ME AWAY. They sent me away! They didn’t even give us a chance to be together! They don’t love us! They never did!” she pleaded, trying to get her sister to see her point of view. The embers grew hotter in her stomach. The Knight tried to push through this to achieve some sort of reason between herself and her family. Shadow was all the family Alara ever had. She couldn’t bear to lose her.

“I don’t know why! I don’t know why they did this to us!” Shadow stepped back, holding her forehead in her fingertips. She let out a slight yelp. “BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH. They knew you were better! They didn’t even care to come looking for me. You were just the solution to their mistakes. You were their subconscious possession, not their family! Don’t you see?! I did the best I could to tell you this before, but you wouldn’t listen! I had to protect you!” Alara begged, she fell to her knees and sobbed louder.

“Alara… You’ve clouded your mind. I’m sorry. I cannot allow you to do this further. You need to stop. Look what you’ve done to us. Look what you’ve done to yourself. You are forcing me to do this…” the Battlemaster blew her hair out of her face and stepped forward. She rose her Saber a tad higher.

“No. NO. NO! Shadow! You can’t do this!” Alara jumped up. She ignited her saber and quickly hopped up on the log, “Shadow! They did this to us! THEY DID! We can be together now! They would have stopped us, but now they can’t! We can prove to them that we are more!”

“Alara, I have to teach you this lesson,” Shadow gulped. She clenched her other fist and arched her neck within her hood.

“PLEASE! SHADOW PLEASE!” the Knight sobbed, angling her saber in defense.

“No, Alara. As your master, I need to stop you.”

Alara swallowed down her sorrow. Suddenly her palms grew hot, as well as her brow. The fire wasn’t quenched. Alara fought it, oh so hard. She tried to reason with Shadow. But the embers could not be quenched. Shadow was making them worse. Before Alara knew it, a new film covered her eyes. She felt a pulsating heat through her whole body. The blonde Sephi glared at her sister with newly-fueled rage.

“Alara… your eyes… they’re… they’re glowing.”

“No Shadow, as your older sister it’s now time for me to teach you a lesson.” Alara Deathbane let out a slight chuckle as she stood over her sister.

Korroth, 10 September, 2016 9:54 PM UTC

Realism

the blonde Sephi’s heart.

Alara's Character Sheet makes no mention of Sephi parentage. If you want to make use of her half-Sephi characteristics in an ACC match, make sure it is reflected in the CS.

Suddenly Alara felt a push and went head first into a tree stump.

The circumstances—Shadow is running through thick woods—and the Character Sheet—Shadow has +1 in Telekinesis—make this use of Telekinesis difficult to excuse. At this level Shadow requires a few seconds of full concentration to use the Force power.

“Alara… your eyes… they’re… they’re glowing.”

A number of the ACC Judges have looked at this and we agree that there are no examples in Canon Star Wars material for outright “glowing” eyes. We see Anakin’s eyes change in colour during moments of passion in Episode III, but not glow with light. It is a minor issue with imagery, so no points were docked for this, but keep in mind that ACC Realism relies foremost on the Disney definition of Canon.

Syntax

Alara gasped with a spin,

While you do set the pace very well here, these two actions are mechanically separate. "Alara gasped and spun around," could have fixed this issue while keeping the flow of the sentence.

“BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH.

There probably should have been a new paragraph here, to make clear it was Alara speaking again.

She rose her Saber

Should be “She raised her saber”.

She ignited her saber and quickly hopped up on the log, “Shadow! They did this to us!

These are two separate sentences, so the first should end with a full-stop—She ignited her saber and quickly hopped up on the log. “Shadow! They did this to us!

This post sets up the two combatants’ relationship, emotional state and motive for conflict very well, right from the very first paragraph. Apart from a shove, however, it feels like the main action is still waiting to happen. If you can, don’t leave it to the second post to initiate combat.

Shadow furrowed her brow as she watched the wretched being her sister had become rage before her. Somewhere deep down was the temptation to try and reason with Alara some more and to offer mercy, but even her heart told her that it was time to teach her sister the hard way. When she had been Alara's master, she had failed in teaching her to control her emotions and cockiness. Now, her sister would have to learn in an actual, relentless fight.

Whispers of the dark side and the beast within her soul led Shadow to ignite her second saber. The icy chill of her inner darkness overcame her, with only the spark of light keeping her sane and focused.

“Then go ahead,” Shadow sneered as she glowered at her sister. “Make my day, sister...if you really have it in you to do so.”

Those words were all it took to set off Alara as she suddenly launched herself towards Shadow. The Sith quickly whirled out of the way and took a few steps back, twirling her sabers with her fingers as she warmed up for the next attack. “I taught you that emotion makes you powerful, but I also taught you that being blinded by emotion will only lead you to a horrid performance!”

Alara glared at her, eyes blazing with raging fire. She charged again, her lightsaber ready to strike a second time. Shadow prepared for the blow this time and quickly crossed her blades before her, catching Alara’s weapon between them. Her sister’s blow had been hard and unforgiving, but Shadow didn’t waiver. She quickly pushed against Alara’s blade, freeing her crossed sabers and giving her time to launch her own attack against the berserker. She leapt and spun, twisting her body with her red blades following to the rhythmic maneuvering of her body. She landed her right blade hard against Alara’s before connecting with her offhand saber. She quickly then unleashed a flurry of strikes, trying to overwhelm Alara as she struck relentlessly.

It was only when she sensed Alara quickly prepare to retaliate and hard did Shadow quickly strike with her right blade before defending with her left. For a second, Shadow heard the sizzle of the blades and watched the sparks fly like the explosive flare in her sister’s eyes. She felt all of Alara’s emotions being released within those dancing sparks, and knew that the fire had to be extinguished soon for her sister’s sake. Memories of their parents’ bloodied remains came back all in that second, and Shadow let those emotions fuel her resolve as she quickly shot lightning at her sister’s face. The stream of energy landed it's mark as she had hoped.

Alara yelped in both surprise and pain, and backed off. “You have the audacity to do that?”

Shadow got into her stance, her golden eyes boring into her sister with an iciness she hadn’t felt in a long time. “I’m a Sith, Alara. I am the very cold darkness of your heart. I am your fear.”

Korroth, 10 September, 2016 9:57 PM UTC

Syntax

the wretched being her sister had become rage before her.

The word ”rage” doesn’t seem to fit in this sentence.

It was only when she sensed Alara quickly prepare to retaliate and hard did Shadow quickly strike with her right blade before defending with her left.

The action sequence is clear, but grammatically the second part of the sentence doesn't follow from the first. Splitting the sentence into two would have fixed the problem.

The stream of energy landed it's mark

Should be The stream of energy landed its mark, as the mark grammatically “belongs” to the stream of energy.

Story

She felt all of Alara’s emotions being released within those dancing sparks, and knew that the fire had to be extinguished soon for her sister’s sake.

Good use of imagery to demonstrate emotion

Alara yelped in both surprise and pain,

Succinctly shows both emotional and physical response.

Tangles of fear, doubt, worry, dread, betrayal, and rage swarmed within Alara’s mind. The emotions were so overbearing that Alara let out a sob. It was too late. She would never get her sister back again. Now she would have to either fight her sister to the death. She knew it would be hers. Alara focused and conjured up all the strength and emotion she had. My rage is all I have left. I’ve lost her, but I haven’t lost the power within myself. Not yet! The Knight let out a battle cry, leapt a bit closer, held her saber up in the air, and swung down at Shadow. The Battlemaster’s lightsaber crashed with hers in the knick of time before Alara chopped off her sister’s left shoulder. Shadow pushed so hard against her sister’s grip that it shook with exhaustion. The eldest began to sweat. She’s much better than me in duelling with sabers... How do I get her to let go of her own? An idea popped into her brain immediately as it was called upon. The Sergeant nodded to herself and pushed against her sister’s grip. She made a quick step back. As Shadow was about to thrust her saber downwards towards Alara, the Knight formed a quick shield with the Force. The impact of the saber upon the shield banged loudly, and forced Shadow to release her grip on the saber’s hilt. Alara took down the shield, chucked her saber to the side, and stepped towards her sister.

“No weapons, Sister. Let’s use the strength our parents gave us,” Alara glared, shaping her hands into fists.

Shadow hesitated, tucked her elbows beside her hips and prepared for the battle. She gave a nod to her sister. Alara pivoted her hips to an angle and kept her fists parallel to her hips. The two waited to see who would attack first.

Due to her impatience of course, it was Alara. She let out a huff and swung her right fist to meet Shadow’s right cheek. The Battlemaster gracefully swung herself to the left, dodging the hit, and managed to make contact onto Alara’s pivoted leg with hers. Alara let out a yelp, but regained her balance. Instinctively, the Apprentice pivoted herself to face her opponent properly. The eldest dove in for another punch, this time using the left fist. It made slight impact to Shadow’s side. Shadow lurched away to miss most of the impact and let out a grunt. The Battle Team Leader lifted her knee to hit her sister in the chest. Alara’s diaphragm was emptied suddenly, leaving the Sephi gasping for air as she stumbled to the ground. The Sergeant jumped back up quickly, only to find that her sister had disappeared.

“Oh Alara, foolish silly Alara. I suppose I should have trained you better in combat. Too late for that now, I suppose…” Shadow’s voice echoed as if it was part of the forest’s breeze around them.

“If you’re such a strong master, come out and face me!” Alara shouted, sweat dripping down her brow.

Shadow pounced towards her sister from a branch and whacked Alara’s skull with her elbow. The Knight let out a yelp and went face first into the ground. A deep cackle resonated in the blonde Sephi's mind.

“You can’t escape your fate now, Alara. I will destroy you,” her sister stepped around Alara’s right. With a growl, Alara spun her legs and tripped her sister to the ground.

“You think it will be so easy?” Alara chuckled. She sprung from the ground and punched as hard as she could directly into her sister’s left rib cage. A crack vibrated through her fingers as the Apprentice managed to break a bone. Shadow let out a cry, and reached out her hand towards Alara. Suddenly darkness and whispers flooded the Knight’s ears. Alara screamed and fell to the ground, her head in her hands. Her whole body began to shake violently. Cries squeezed out of her panting lungs.

“That’s right Alara… let the fear consume you. You know you can’t defeat me. And you won’t,” Shadow’s voice sharply pierced Alara’s ears. Alara blinked rapidly, trying to see around her, but she could not find light at any angle she glanced towards. Fear crept up her spine like a spider ready to pounce on its prey.

“YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS,” Alara roared through her fright, trying to intimidate her sister once more.

“What do you mean, you think someone is coming for you? No no, Alara. Why would they? You have no family now.”

“I REALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR US!” the Knight shrieked, slamming her eyes shut as tears poured from her cheeks.

“THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU’LL EVER TRY TO CHOOSE MY HAPPINESS FOR ME!” Shadow boomed. Suddenly Alara felt impact upon the base of her skull, and she dropped to the ground. Blood began to stream from her nose and the corner of her mouth.

It was as if the whole forest went silent. For a few breaths, even the wind stayed quiet. Shadow stood above her sister’s body that lay in a pile of leaves. She stared at her, being sure that her apprentice wouldn’t move. She merely paralyzed her sister temporarily, but wanted to be sure of her actions. As soon as she felt her older sister would not wake, Shadow collapsed to the ground from exhaustion and tears. Her parents were gone… There was no retrieving them now. There was no amount of Force Power she could reach that would be able to bring back their smiling faces to this universe.

“SHADS! ARE YOU THERE?” Brandon’s voice echoed throughout the forest, snapping Shadow out of the daze her sorrow held her in.

“Yes, Love. Over here,” Shadow stated, sitting up from her position to look at what she had done.

“WHOA! Alara! Is she okay? What happened?! Are you okay?!” Brandon jumped at the sight of his sister-in-law on the ground and ran towards his wife. He immediately placed his hand upon her forehead, looking around for blood and cuts.

“I’m not hurt. Just a broken rib. Alara will not wake for a while,” Shadow’s gaze froze upon her sister’s face. The blonde’s cheeks were stained with blood, mud, and tears.

“What should we do, leave her here?” Brandon spoke solemnly, trying to piece together what happened in his mind.

“I suggest we stick her in a cave somewhere. She will wake eventually and will need cover. However I’m never going to see this woman’s face again unless I have to. She’s betrayed our heritage.”

“I… Uh… Okay. Whatever you want Babes,” Brandon scooped up his sister-in-law in his arms, and began running to the nearest cave. Shadow sat in her same position, refusing to move. She pulled her hood over her head and closed her eyes.

Oh Alara, why did you make this happen? Why did you make me do this to you?

She sat there for quite some time until her husband came back to the scene. He walked toward his bride, and scooped her up in his arms, “Let’s go, my love. I’ll bring you to see a medical bay.”

Shadow nodded and cuddled into her lover’s chest. She let out a few tears, but stayed quiet. She knew nothing would be the same between her and her older apprentice again.

Korroth, 10 September, 2016 9:58 PM UTC

Syntax

Now she would have to either fight her sister to the death.

This is either an unfinished sentence or the "either" could have been left out.

My rage is all I have left. I’ve lost her, but I haven’t lost the power within myself. Not yet!

While it is already clear that Alara is speaking in her mind, the ACC uses Markdown, so you have the option of italicising the text using single asterisks, thus, *My rage is all I have left. I’ve lost her, but I haven’t lost the power within myself. Not yet!*

before Alara chopped off her sister’s left shoulder.

Wording it as before Alara could chop off her sister’s shoulder would ensure the reader does not misunderstand the sequence of actions.

No weapons, Sister.

“Sister” doesn’t need to be capitalised in that sentence.

“I… Uh… Okay. Whatever you want Babes,” Brandon scooped up his sister-in-law

The text after the speech marks does not modify the speech, it is a separate action, so a full stop would have been more appropriate. “I… Uh… Okay. Whatever you want Babes.” Brandon scooped up his sister-in-law

Story and Realism

Shadow pounced towards her sister from a branch and whacked Alara’s skull with her elbow. The Knight let out a yelp and went face first into the ground. A deep cackle resonated in the blonde Sephi's mind.

Good use of the environment. However, I expected to see more of an effect from such a blow to the head.

A crack vibrated through her fingers as the Apprentice managed to break a bone. Shadow let out a cry,

After this, there is no more direct physical indication of the effects of Shadow's broken rib. Shaping the character's behaviour, actions and movements around this injury would have helped to bring the scene to life. Also, there is no indication that Alara used the Force to enhance this punch, so it is unrealistic that it should break bone. Have a careful look at the five rank descriptions for the Might Skill.

CHOOSE MY HAPPINESS FOR ME!” Shadow boomed.

Remember, Shadow has a broken rib. I'm not sure she would be able to shout like this.

Continuity

forced Shadow to release her grip on the saber’s hilt.

In the previous post Shadow drew her second lightsaber, so she was still wielding two lightsabers at this point. This becomes a continuity problem when you go into a hand-to-hand fight without accounting for the second saber.

This time, nothing was going to hold Shadow back from breaking her sister. She was past the point of no return. Her sister had to learn the hard way. It would be a lesson that would stay with her for life, for many who enter the shadows come out a different person.

Shadow caught Alara’s eye as a smirk appeared on her face. Alara scowled, and was about to ask what Shadow was doing when suddenly the Knight was surrounded by complete darkness. Shadow was aware Alara could probably sense her, but she walked into the sphere of darkness anyways towards the woman's flank.

“I can feel you-”

Alara was interrupted with the cold touch of her sister’s hand on her shoulder as Shadow leaned in by her ear and whispered, “Hush.”

Before Alara could react, tendrils of dark, Force energy reached into her mind. Shadow saw her sister go pale as her eyes widened in fear. The Sith chuckled as she let go of her sister, but continued to instill terror in her sister’s mind; striking at the root of her weaknesses. Whatever little light Shadow had was completely gone. The wolf was finally loose.

Shadow began circle her sister, her golden eyes burning like coals in the darkness. “I’m waiting for that lesson, Alara...what happened? Start teaching me.”

Alara looked towards her without seeing the Sith, a cold sweat forming on her forehead. “Sh-Shadow...p-please...”

Shadow shook her head. “Oh no, Alara. Time for mercy and talk has passed, and only you can blame yourself. You dealt our parents a swift death, but I won’t even allow you that. You are weak, and the weak must be shown their place.”

The Battlemaster raised her hand, and released her hold over the darkness for a bit as lightning began to crackle and dance within her fingers. She set it free, hitting right next to Alara’s foot as the older sister yelped and jumped away from it, nearly stumbling. The snap-hiss of two lightsabers was heard as Shadow reignited her blades. “Time for your lesson, sister.”

Alara’s hand was frozen tightly around her own saber as she struggled to comprehend what was going on, the woman blinded by terror and darkness. Shadow continued to circle her as she let the tips of her sabers drag along the ground, slowly coming closer to her maddening sister. “Do you feel it eating into your heart, Alara? Do you feel your fear eating away at your mind?”

“Shadow...d-don’t.”

Shadow paid no heed as she began a silent, elegant dance around her sister with her sabers now and then clashing with each other to frighten Alara. Twisting and swaying was she as her anger grew. Twisting and swaying was she as the darkness guided her steps and heart. Dancing was she, as the cold fires fueled her desire for justice.

Suddenly, the Battlemaster launched herself at her sister, quickly and purposely striking Alara’s blade before jumping back. She circled again and repeated the attack, feeling her sister’s fear slowly decimate her weak resolve. As tiring as it was for Shadow to be maintaining her hold on Alara as well as the darkness at the same time combined with her attacks, her reign of terror upon her sister was more than worth it.

“You’re all alone, Alara. All alone. No one to hear your cries, and no one to comfort you or save you from your own destruction. You can’t even save yourself from the darkest shadows of your mind. You...are no sister of mine.”

“Rowan, please don’t. I don’t want to be alone. Please, I’m begging you!”

Shadow scowled at the mention of her old name. Her own words had stung her, but she had to say them. Knowing it was time to end this, she let the darkness fade and let loose as much lightning possible from her hand at her sister, sending the helpless and screaming woman to the ground. She let her anger fuel her power, and continued the barrage of lightning.

“Shadow! Stop! Please!” Alara begged as her body contorted, her mind long from recovering from Shadow’s fearful hold.

“You have brought this on yourself, Alara! This is what you deserve!” Tears began to fall as Shadow remembered again the death of her parents. Alara deserved to die, but Shadow wasn't going to let her sister have the easy way out. She was going to make sure she was broken, just like how her heart had been broken.

Finally, Shadow stopped, and approached Alara. The young Sephi whimpered as Shadow placed her boot on her gut. “S-sister. H-help me.”

Shadow looked into her sister’s eyes and shook her head. “No.”

The Sith grabbed Alara’s saber and threw it into the jungle brush. Then, she left, not caring what happened to her sister. It was finished, or so she hoped. Should her sister regain her strength to retaliate, she’d be ready.

Korroth, 10 September, 2016 9:59 PM UTC

Syntax

tendrils of dark, Force energy reached into her mind.

The sentence would flow better without this comma. tendrils of dark Force energy reached into her mind.

Shadow paid no heed as she began a silent, elegant dance around her sister with her sabers now and then clashing with each other to frighten Alara.

This sentence could have been split into two.

As tiring as it was for Shadow to be maintaining her hold on Alara as well as the darkness at the same time combined with her attacks,

You correctly spotted that it would have taken a lot of effort for Shadow to divide her concentration in this way. However, /showing/ the effects of Shadow's mental strain would have been more effective. Facial expression, sweat, body language, curtailed speech etc.

Finally, Shadow stopped, and approached Alara.

This is slightly too long for Force Lightning duration. It is supposed to last only a few seconds. Think Dooku in Attack of the Clones rather than Palpatine in Return of the Jedi.