Battlemaster Rosh Nyine vs. Acolyte Kylex

Battlemaster Rosh Nyine

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Shadow, Imperial
vs.

Acolyte Kylex

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Sorcerer
Comment

This is one of those set ups that is seen very often, but is still vital within the Brotherhood. Many of us are in the scenario of master and apprentice, which often evokes such scenes. It's a good way for a newer member to wade into the waters of the ACC.

Kylex: you have a solid foundation as a writer. You are solid in what you offer up, but seem held back by something. Find what that is, whether it is just comfort with the system on display here, or something more personal. Shatter that barrier and come out of your shell swinging. I can't wait to see what you can do when you get to that point.

Rosh: You did a great job showing Kylex what a good ACC post can be, without being overbearing. Props for that. However, you can still improve from the point you are at now. You instill the emotion of the character's well, but fail to paint a complete picture. You can breathe that same life into the venue and story itself, which will enhance your writing considerably.

Please take in the comments found on your posts and the issues that were presented here. Every match is a learning experience and I look forward to the next encounter.

The winner is Battlemaster Rosh Nyine.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Rosh Nyine, Acolyte Kylex
Winner Battlemaster Rosh Nyine
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Rosh Nyine's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Kylex's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 4 September, 2016 3:26 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Rosh Nyine Kylex Sanguris
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Some issues in flow, spelling, and word choice. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Several issues in flow, spelling, word choice and structuring. Refer to the comments.
Story - 40%
Rosh Nyine Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You added a lot more depth of character to the battle, and provided a sense of what came before, but that is the extent. Your story was solid and structured, but didn't carry an emotional weight that sucks in the reader or hooks them in any way. There wasn't a sense of the greater scope beyond this instant. Rationale: Your story was sufficient in that it began and — abruptly — ended. You could have developed the motivations more, as well as the scene itself. A missed opportunity in having the room be empty, as that could have been an easy way to breath some life into the venue in addition to the characters. This is a single moment in the story of the characters' lives. Try to convey that to the reader and instill the emotions found there.
Realism - 25%
Rosh Nyine Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Realism issues involving Force Lightning and excessive use of dual wielding. Rationale: Realism issues involving dual wielding and the repercussions of Rage.
Continuity - 20%
Rosh Nyine Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None of note. Rationale: None of note.
Rosh Nyine's Score: 3.55 Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.25
Posts

[Combat Training Center](Asset Not Found)

Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitori.

[Combat Training Center](Asset Not Found)

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring mat has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical shockboxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard rubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also reserved for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Weapon Load Out for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

The twin doors of the Brotherhood’s Training Center slid open, light pouring into the near empty room. Acolyte Kylex cautiously stepped into the large room. His yellow eyes darted quickly around the room, looking for any signs of his master. Today, Kylex was on high alert. It was his training day, and he would have to face his master, Rosh Nyine, in combat. Kylex looked around, wondering where his opponent could be hiding, he barely dodged the blue hued lightsaber blade that seemingly came out of nowhere. Kylex lept backwards, distancing himself from the attacker, igniting his own red bladed lightsaber.

“So..” He said, heart racing. “That’s where you were hiding Master.”

“Humph, I’m impressed you managed to dodge my blade.” Rosh said smugly. “You might want to check your eyebrows though, they seem to be a little singed.”

Kylex touched his eyebrows with his left hand, a grin forming on his face, lightsaber at the ready. Rosh stood in front of him, the two locking eyes until Kylex had enough. He leapt at his master, swinging his blade wildly. Rosh side-stepped his student, carefully blocking his swings, observing his movement. Kylex planted his foot left foot, and tried to kick Rosh’s feet out from beneath him, but his master was just too fast. He tried to strike at his master’s chest, but with no avail, Rosh was just too quick for him.

“Come now Kylex, do you really expect to hit me with such sloppy movement?” Rosh provoked. “I can sense that you're holding back, come at me with all you got.”

“Alright then, enough games.” Kylex said coldly. The cheeky grin that had been on his face had disappeared, replaced with cold concentration. Kylex deactivated his saber and placing it on his belt, he wouldn’t need it for the moment.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2016 12:33 AM UTC

Syntax

The twin doors of the Brotherhood’s Training Center slid open, light pouring into the near empty room. Acolyte Kylex cautiously stepped into the large room. His yellow eyes darted quickly around the room, looking for any signs of his master.

Heavy repetition of "room" consecutively here. Look for alternate words to offer up the meaning you're looking for with variety.

Kylex looked around, wondering where his opponent could be hiding, he barely dodged the blue hued lightsaber blade that seemingly came out of nowhere.

This is actually a couple sentences in one. Should split at "[...] hiding, he barely [...]". That is where the full stop/period should go. Otherwise, you would need some form of transition. Perhaps "could be hiding and managed to barely dodge the blue hued lightsaber blade that seemed to come out of nowhere."

“So..” He said, heart racing.

This should be: "So..." he said, heart racing. (An ellipsis is three "dots", while "he said, she said" styling is part of the same sentence as the dialogue which means it doesn't need a capital)

Kylex planted his foot left foot

Things like "foot left foot" can sneak up on you. Keep an eye out for these.

“Alright then, enough games.” Kylex said coldly.

Should be a comma in the dialogue, like so: "Alright then, enough games," Kylex said coldly.

General Comments

You seem to have a good grasp on the english language, and writing, but perhaps some trepidation about the ACC. Don't be afraid to write longer posts that really give us a sense of the "who, what, when, where, why, and how" of the fight. I get that this is a training match between master and student, but nothing beyond that. Nothing here sets this out as an individual story that is part of something with more depth.

Also of note, in your combat you tend to rely heavily on commas in your sentence structure. Look into other punctuation, such as the em-dash, and other ways of structuring your sentence in order to keep from becoming repetitive.

Sometimes emotions overcome reason. For Rosh, emotions were just an extra burden to cast aside. He didn’t mind killing his apprentice if he wasn’t worth his time, and as soon as he felt his presence approaching the Training Center, he had prepared a simple but effective attack. If his apprentice couldn’t evade that, he was not good enough to walk at his side.

Fighting was not fair out there. It was better if he realized that now than in the battlefield.

Kylex had evaded the first attack, and Rosh respected that, but his apprentice’s movements were too forced and sloppy. When the Acolyte deactivated his lightsaber, the experienced assassin couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the young man in front of him.

“No matter how much you focus, young one, without your lightsaber you’re as good as dead,” Rosh pointed out. Not that he thought that he could be a threat with his lightsaber ready anyway, but at least he would have a chance to don’t humiliate himself.

But Kylex had been preparing for this duel since a long time ago, and he had studied his Master many times. He knew what he was doing, or so he thought. The previous night he had needed more than a drink to calm his nerves, and he still suffered the aftereffects of too much alcohol.

The young Palatinean raised his hands and extended them slightly towards his more experienced opponent, and the reaction was exactly what he expected. Rosh immediately moved one foot forwards and stretched his right arm towards him, raising his lightsaber above his head in parallel to the ground with his dominant hand. He was ready to block any incoming attack.

Completely focused on his target, Kylex imagined tendrils of dark energy extending towards his Master. He felt them coil around Rosh’s head, closing in to awaken his deepest fears. He could almost savor the moment when his more experienced opponent would succumb and would be at his mercy.

Then, inexplicably, those tendrils became heavy and hard to maintain, and their slow tips felt like hitting a durasteel wall. His Master was just too strong and was fighting back his attempts while dampening his control over the Force. He had to change his strategy, to be less subtle and more ambitious. In short, to throw at him what he was expecting.

Pure, raw energy.

As soon as he dropped the attack on his Master’s mind, he felt the pressure over him being lifted. He studied Rosh for a moment, who had not moved an inch of his body, but was displaying now a sinister grin. Kylex kept his focus, though, and centered his growing anger on his objective.

Glowing purple lightning leaped out from the young Acolyte’s fingertips, illuminating the surroundings with a grim light and arching towards Rosh in erratic patterns. The assassin had been waiting for that moment and he lowered his lightsaber to face the strike, intercepting the strong and violent attack with it.

“Yes, that’s what I wanted to see. Rage, anger. Show me how strong you really are, how much can you do,” provoked Rosh as he tightened the grip on the hilt of his lightsaber. He might be taunting him, but he really felt pressured by the display of power from his apprentice.

Kylex walked away as he concentrated on maintaining his Master pinned down with his attack and on ignoring his words. Rosh had noticed that his apprentice was just using his power to move away, but there was nothing he could do but to endure and wait until the relentless attack of his opponent ended. Clenching his teeth, he planted firmly his feet on the ground and prepared himself to act as soon as the dark energy stopped flowing towards him.

The Acolyte kept his anger fueling his attack until he reached a distance big enough to be away from melee range and then stopped. He was not strong enough to use his powers for extended periods of time yet, and he had used his attack just to move away and prepare for the next assault. Rosh had barely moved since the beginning of the duel despite his efforts for hitting him, and the impotence of not being able to touch his Master kept increasing more and more his anger, to the point that he felt like if he was to explode.

Finally, rage overcame cold thinking and planning and he reached for his lightsaber and his trusted DL-18 while his body turned all his feelings into physical prowess. He felt stronger, faster and more aware of his surroundings. Nothing had gone according to his plans, but he would redeem himself. It was time to force Rosh to move.

Kylex stared at his Master with eyes bright as the flames that fueled him from inside. “This will end now.”

Rosh nodded and raised his lightsaber above his head again, extending once more his free arm and placing his feet apart on the ground. “So be it, apprentice,” were his only words.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2016 1:05 AM UTC

Syntax

he would have a chance to don’t humiliate himself.

Probably meant "not humiliate" here.

moved one foot forwards

Should be "forward".

but was displaying now a sinister grin.

he planted firmly his feet on the ground

Word flow is awkward here. Would be better suited as: but was now displaying a sinister grin. Same with the next line I included, "his" should come before "firmly".

Finally, rage overcame cold thinking and planning and he reached for his lightsaber and his trusted DL-18 while his body turned all his feelings into physical prowess.

You might want to look into other forms of punctuation, such as the em-dash. Repetitious application of "and" can result in a restraining order on behalf of the poor, defenseless one-syllable word. It's also really rough on the flow of your writing and hurts you in terms of grammar.

Realism

Kylex walked away as he concentrated on maintaining his Master pinned down with his attack and on ignoring his words.

Unfortunately, as we discussed outside of this match, the ability to stream a torrent of Force Lightning hinges on the "Stream It" feat in our system. Minor realism hit here.

General Comments

You granted more backstory to this match, adding some uniqueness and personality to the encounter itself. That's a good approach to take. There's a good sense of character on display here.

Kylex’s mind flooded with fury and hate, his mind focused on a single solitary target. Rosh Nyine. He looked down at his right arm, the servos whirring as his fist clenched around his lightsaber. It was time for him to move. Leaping forward, Kylex ignited his red hued lightsaber as he spun at his master. He watched as time seemed to slow down, he could see the plasma of his lightsaber meet and mingle with the blue of his masters saber in a brilliant flash of light. Kylex could feel the adrenaline rushing through his body, propelling his further as he unleashed a flurry of strikes at his master. Sparks flew as he pressed on, he was determined to make his master move, to give him the respect he needed.

“Heh, is that really the best you can do Kylex?” Rosh said, dodging a downward strike. “You're going to have to better if you want to hit me.”

Kylex unholstered his DL-18 blaster from his belt and quickly squeezed off a few blasts at Rosh. Deflecting them with ease, Rosh raised his lightsaber to block a strike from his apprentice. “Come now, this is childish.” Rosh said, using The Force to send his apprentice flying into the training dummies. Kylex leapt to his feet, eyes ablaze with rage. The acolyte jumped at his master, spinning his saber around him until it was met by Rosh’s blue bladed saber. The two Sith, master and apprentice engaged in a blade lock, The Force increasing Kylex’s strength as his muscles rippled, pushing the blades closer to his master. His target.

Kylex knew what he had to do, to beat his master. He put his DL-18 in its holster and retrieved a thermal detonator from his coat. While the two blades continued to hiss and spit, the acolyte primed the thermal detonator and dropped it. Sensing the danger, Rosh disengaged from the blade lock, jumping backwards. Kylex started to leap away when the detonator exploded, sending the acolyte flying. A loud thump was heard as as Kylex’s back made contact with the wall of the building, and he slumped to the ground. Rosh walked over to his apprentice who lay unconscious on the floor of the training center.

“You did well.”

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2016 1:20 AM UTC

Syntax

Kylex’s mind flooded with fury and hate, his mind focused on a single solitary target. Rosh Nyine.

Repetitious use of "mind" here, perhaps better as: Kylex's mind flooded with fury and hate, his entire being focused on a single solitary target: Rosh Nyine.

the blue of his masters saber

Should be "master's".

through his body, propelling his further

Should be "propelling him further".

Sparks flew as he pressed on, he was determined to make his master move, to give him the respect he needed.

This would be better off restructured or split into two sentences as they aren't properly connected here. Try: Sparks flew as he pressed on, each clash proof of his determination to make his master move, to give him the respect he needed.

“You're going to have to better if you want to hit me.”

Should be: "You're going to have to do better if you want to hit me."

using The Force to send his apprentice

The Force increasing Kylex’s

Only "Force" needs the capital.

Story

Your ending here is very sudden and just ends with a single word. However, there is no sense of completion or what is to come after the match. A good ending should wrap up the story in a satisfying end and not be an abrupt cut to black.

Realism

Kylex unholstered his DL-18 blaster from his belt and quickly squeezed off a few blasts at Rosh.

You don't have Dual Wielding or any of the ambidextrous based Feats on your CS. That causes a realism issue when you are effectively using a weapon in your off-hand mid-combat, especially when still holding your saber.

It was clearly described as a use of Rage at the end of the previous post for Kylex, which you carried over into yours. However, at +2 the only intelligent level thought he would have is self-preservation. Beyond that, once the power subsides, it would have sapped all of Kylex's remaining Endurance. That's just the nature of the power, and it isn't seen here in your post.

The Acolyte was playing his last card, and both combatants were aware of it. What Rosh didn’t expect was the extent of the power of his apprentice when he saw him running at a supernatural speed towards him, with the saber trailing behind in one of his arms and shooting precise blasters bolts with his pistol without aiming even.

The Battlemaster’s lightsaber started dancing in a whirlwind of blocks, deflecting each bolt in an impenetrable barrier created by the fast movements of his blade. He didn’t bother in deflecting any of them back to their point of origin, as he wanted Kylex to come close to him.

The young Palatinean didn’t fail to deliver, reaching him almost instantly. Rosh was ready to fight against his lightsaber and deviated the first horizontal sweep that his opponent used against him. Very crude, very basic, but of incredible strength. If he had parried the blow instead deviating it, his hand would have gone numb for sure.

Careful, he’s not done

Rosh spun away just in time to evade the point-blank shot directed at him from Kylex’s blaster, not without feeling the heat of the bolt passing close to his body. The Acolyte was dangerous in his state, but he had to resist. His apprentice would not be able to maintain his powers for long.

Kylex felt that he was finally being a match for his Master in the duel, but he felt exhausted. Every muscle in his body ached with each movement, but this was his last effort. He would not end humiliated by Rosh, who looked completely concentrated and didn’t give any signs of being tired at all.

But he had him cornered and kept following what he had learned over and over in his training lessons. He knew that his skill with the lightsaber was not strong enough to beat the defense of his opponent, but his blaster could make the difference.

Rosh kept dancing around drawing carefully an impenetrable wall around himself with his lightsaber. He wanted to attack and end the duel, but his apprentice wouldn’t stop his attacks with both hands, lightsaber and blaster, and a slight change in his defensive pattern could cost him a serious wound.

Seeing that Kylex wouldn’t stop until he would consume himself in his rage, Rosh thought quickly on something to force him to end the duel. And so, he decided to give to his apprentice what he didn’t want to don’t use against him: his powers. Carefully, he gave way to his opponent to think he was starting to get sloppy in his defense and started walking backward, moving away from melee range.

The Acolyte was surprised when his Master, who had seemed to be losing his concentration, moved quickly away a few steps and, suddenly, vanished into thin air, like if he had not been there all this time. Confused, he stopped attacking.

“This is all you can do, Master? I expected more from you!” Kylex felt the rage in his body calm down, being replaced by an extreme fatigue. Tired, exhausted, he tried to locate Rosh. It didn’t take long.

Just a moment later, he heard footsteps behind him.

“You cannot hide from me,” said the Acolyte turning around using his last reserve of strength to deliver a lethal blow to the Battlemaster. The strike hit his target, or so it seemed until the lightsaber went across the figure of Rosh, which started to fade slowly while it projected an evil grin. One of his Master’s illusions, a trick he had heard of before but had never seen. That could only mean one thing: he had fallen into a trap.

Kylex had no time to do anything else as he felt a cold, sharp metal just at the base of his neck, behind him.

“I can hide from you and I can defeat you, apprentice. Now, lower your weapons and surrender. This training session is over,” whispered Rosh. His wrist blade was just ready to kill his opponent, and he had to fight the urge of ending his life. Kylex was his apprentice, and he had fought well. His killing instinct started to back away when, finally, the Acolyte lowered his arms to the sides of his body and dropped his weapons, showing how weary he really was.

The young man couldn’t believe it. He had thought he was so close, and yet his Master had outsmarted him. His vision started to black out, and his muscles urged him to rest. “I, I did well though, didn’t I?” he managed to say before falling to the floor, completely exhausted. Finally, knowing that he couldn’t prove anything else, he embraced the sweet darkness that was calling him and fell unconscious.

Rosh took a deep breath and retracted his wrist blade, looking down at the unconscious figure of his apprentice. He knew that he wouldn’t listen to his words, so he allowed himself to speak the truth instead denying everything, if just for once. “You gave your best, Kylex. For that, I’m proud. Now rest, your path has only begun.”

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2016 1:36 AM UTC

Syntax

If he had parried the blow instead deviating it

Should be "instead of" and also, perhaps, "deflecting" or "redirecting" instead of "deviating" to avoid repetition.

what he didn’t want to don’t use against him

Not even sure what you were going for here.

Realism

with the saber trailing behind in one of his arms and shooting precise blasters bolts with his pistol without aiming even.

Same realism hit as Kylex's last post. Dual wielding and ambidexterity are not things on his sheet. Especially as you described it being "precise". You work a lot more with it though, throughout the post, which makes it a bigger hit.