Knight Talis DeMorte vs. Peacekeeper Tistito "Tisto" Kingang

Knight Talis DeMorte

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Peacekeeper Tistito "Tisto" Kingang

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Juggernaut, Guardian
Comment

Let me start off by thanking both of you for your patience in waiting for this to be graded. Also, I would like to encourage you both to keep taking ACC matches. The comments here are meant to help you improve. The ACC staff is always available if you have any questions.

I would direct both of you to the ACC rubric, specifically the story section. Both of you had a strong amount of action in your posts, with some creativity in the combat itself. Talis definitely had a noticeable edge in the combat front as his blow by blow descriptions were easy for the reader to visualize. However, you both dropped the ball in the story aspect of things. Tisto started off by not giving any real context or motivation to the fight in his opening post. Talis just kept things going with, again, some great action but zero context or motivation. Tisto eventually came back in his second post and elaborated a little on why Tisto wanted to teach Talis a lesson in character, but it was still a bit flimsy. Overall a reader would walk away from this match wondering why these two supposed allies were fighting so furiously.

A second major failing common to both in the story area was a complete lack of use or real description of the venue. As written this fight could have taken place just about anywhere. Tisto gave some lip service to the venue and why his character was there in the first post but as I pointed out in the comments, this was a huge missed opportunity. Talis made almost no attempt to either set the scene for the reader or use the venue for any sort of plot development. As Tisto established, you are both on a world that has just been bombed by the Grand Master's forces. Use that.

Realism ended up being the deciding factor in this match because of the tie in story score. I won't belabor the comments I made to the individual errors but I encourage both of you to examine the Force powers wiki when writing posts and ask questions of the staff if something feels questionable. You both did an excellent job of using the other's character sheets insofar as aspects and what powers someone had, you just needed to look at the powers themselves when applying them.

If anything, the closeness of the score shows just how important story is in the ACC. Take these comments and apply them. You both have a lot of talent, especially Talis, in creating an action packed scene. You just need to work on cleaning up syntax and creating that compelling narrative to really hit your full potential as writers in the ACC.

Without further ado,

Tisto is the winner

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Talis DeMorte, Peacekeeper Tistito "Tisto" Kingang
Winner Peacekeeper Tistito "Tisto" Kingang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Talis DeMorte's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Peacekeeper Tistito "Tisto" Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 6 October, 2016 3:48 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: You had enough basic errors that it actually detracted from reading. Walk away from a post after you finish it and come back to proof it. Also don't be afraid to ask for proofing help. Rationale: You had numerous errors in your first post but almost none in your second. Whatever you did for the second post as far as proofing goes, keep it up. Also, you did a good job of varying up your descriptive language and imagery. The sheer number of errors in the first post kept you at a 3 though.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: See my generalized comments to both participants. You abruptly jumped from conversation into fighting in your opening post without so much as a clear reason why two members of the same Clan were suddenly resorting to violence. You brought some context in for your second post but you still failed to use the venue aside from a passing reference to ongoing Brotherhood events (which was good). I would have liked to see you use that more, was the venue bombed out because of Pravus? Rationale: See my generalized comments to both participants. Your descriptions of combat were generally excellent and you showed a lot of creativity. However, you consistently failed to either expand upon the in-character reason for the fight or use the venue in any meaningful way. Your posts could have taken place just about anywhere from your lack of description.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You misused Blackness somewhat. Rationale: You had three distinct realism errors which even if classified as minor still take you down to a three.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see Rationale: No issues that I could see
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.1 Neza-Rem Zarabi's Score: 3.0
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Tisto entered the arena, one of the few standing buildings on the ruins of Karufr. The planet had recently been bombarded by the Grandmaster's forces, and the kiffar had decided it would be a good place to visit due to his own nature. As a scar in the force Tisto had to move around every so often so he wouldn't lead Inquisitors to the Knights of Allusis and Clan Odan-Urr. He moved through the arena, his leather jacket pushed around by the wind.

Clack

Tisto turned around quickly, grabbing his saber off his belt. Behind him stood a tall man with a blindfold wrapped around his head. The mans robes billowed out from behind him, pushed by the wind. Tisto eyed the man suspiciously, not ever having seen him before. The man was next to a pile of crumbling rocks, and had just accidentally knocked one over. He looked up, as if just noticing the Knight Commander.

The miraluka Talis looked back at Tisto unsure what to make of him. He recognized the Knight Commander from when he was Knighted after New Tython was bombarded, but just like then he was put off by the Knight Commanders appearance. Unlike the normal human shape aura there was a jagged split in the kiffar's, making him seem very disconnected. Looking him was disorienting, but after a few seconds Talis began to get used to it.

"Its you, the scar on the summit," the man said. "I saw you when they knighted me."

Tisto cocked his head, his eyes narrowing. "Who are you then? If you know me, why don't I know you?"

"Seriously?" Talis asked, slightly put off by the Force Scar. "How do you not... sorry I forget that others can't see through the Force as I can, scar. I'm Revak's apprentice, saved Nathan, and all that."

"Ohh, Tal...ir?" Tisto said trying to remember the man's name.

"Talis," the Miraluka replied annoyed. "It is Talis DeMort."

"Ahh," the Knight Commander replied. "So how have you been Talis? Any exciting adventures?"

"I am a member of Garza's Pathfinders now," Talis replied. "Why do you want to know?"

"No reason," the Knight Commander replied hastily. "Revak is fine by the way. So what are you doing on this planet?"

"Just doing some after battle scouting," Talis replied. "Its a shame they died, then again fools tend to do that a lot, am I right?"

Talis saw a sudden shift in the Knight Commanders aura in the Force. He could see anger, and was immediately on guard. Then he saw the Knight Commander rush forward, with speed Talis did not expect. The roar of an engine ran through the air, Tisto having ignited his saber. Reflexively Talis brought his Lightsaber out in a defensive swipe, his light magenta blade connecting with the dark crimson blade of Tisto's saber. While Talis was the stronger of the two, his lack of experience on defense allowed Tisto to overcome him in that moment.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 October, 2016 2:55 AM UTC

Syntax

the kiffar had decided

Species names are capitalized in SW writing.

"Its you, the scar on the summit,"

This should be "It's" for "It is" rather than the possessive form of it.

Story

The planet had recently been bombarded by the Grandmaster's forces

Nice job tying the match into the larger DB storyline.

Revak is fine by the way.

I was a bit confused by this statement. You had just established that Talis was Revak's apprentice, so why wouldn't he know Revak's current condition? Assume the reader only knows what you put on the page in this match. If you were alluding to some other event you probably needed to give the reader some more context.

"Its a shame they died, then again fools tend to do that a lot, am I right?" Talis saw a sudden shift in the Knight Commanders aura in the Force.

You jumped from two Clan mates having a normal conversation to sabers out at an almost whiplash inducing speed. The challenge with the first post is that you get to set up the conflict, specifically the circumstances and character motivations that give rise to it. When you gloss over it, you cede that ground (and the precious story points) to your opponent. I struggle with finding conflict in Clan mate matches myself but it's still very critical to the ACC. In future matches where you get the first post really spend some time developing the why of the fight in your opening post. That's almost more critical than the combat itself.

Talis utilized his experience with his Wookie instructors and ducked down and hopped to the side. As his feet landed Talis went on the offensive, spinning laterally and lashing out a stab at the Kiffar’s nearest him. Tisto easily batted away the Knights stab, allowing Talis some time to make a desperate retreat away from his opponent.

“What’s your problem?” Talis demanded.

As the words left his mouth the Kiffar quickly cleared the ground. Each step augmented, pounding off the ground, raising dust in its wake. Talis met the incoming attack with his own flurry of strikes as he bound over the incoming fighter and spun. Striking Tisto’s defense in a quick repeated manner.

As Talis landed he was forced to move again. This time acting on pure instinct, and calling on the force as he rolled away, to cover the immediate area in an orb of blackness that no light could penetrate. Talis knew where, Tisto was as he came to a screeching halt in the darkness and then lept backwards twice before he felt comfortable and outside of his darkness. Tisto waded out of the black orb and began towards Talis.

This guy is starting to piss me off. Talis delved into the his anger as Tisto closed on him. In one motion Talis deactivated his lightsaber and reached out with tendrils of bluish green lightning. Tisto’s crimson blade caught and held the lightning for just a moment. In an instant, just like its summoning, the lightning vanished.

Talis’ shoulder collided with the smaller opponent at the hips and wrapped his arms around his waist. Two heavy blows connected with the middle of his back. Talis pushed through the pains of the blows with sheer rage and used this moment to muster all the strength he could into his arms. In one fluid motion Talis lifted the Kiffar off the ground and turned his body before slamming him on his head into the ground.

Talis stumbled back away from the seemingly unconscious foe and stood up, only to double over in pain. The blows had broken a pair of ribs and his shoulder blade on his right side. Every motion with his right arm pained him but Talis began concentrating on mitigating the pain. After a few moments he had dulled it to a heavy throbbing sensation.

Great, now i have to report this fiasco too. Talis shook his head as he turned to leave. A few paces away Talis’ mind went off like a blare horn. Moving on instinct and luck Talis spun to meet his attacker. The red lightsaber slammed hard into Talis’ orchid blade. Stopping the assailant, but sending a shock through Talis’ body, to his right shoulder, causing him to wince in pain and vomit in his mouth. The chunky liquid splashed against his teeth seeking an avenue of escape. Some of the splatter dotted Tisto’s face but he didn’t seem to mind. Talis turned a little and pushed the foul tasting bile out of his mouth and onto the ground where it splattered the ground and both of their feet.

As the two sabers fizzed and popped in protest Talis used his superior raw strength to hold back his smaller foes push. They were even in strength and something had to be done. Talis had one option left in his repertoire.

He lightly hopped into the air, drawing a confused stare from the Kiffar. Talis snapped a kick into Tisto’s groin strong enough, with the added push by his opponent, to push Talis clear of any harm. Talis stumbled and rolled away from his opponent cursing as he came around and bounded off his broken shoulder.

When he finally came to a stop Talis had slammed up against the wall of the chamber. Tisto was doubled over holding his groin and his aura was pure, furious rage. It swirled around the scar across his aura like a frantic sea beating on an immovable island.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 October, 2016 3:41 AM UTC

Syntax

Tisto easily batted away the Knights stab

Should be "Knight's" to show the possessive.

As the words left his mouth the Kiffar quickly cleared the ground.

Needs a comma after mouth to convey the natural pause.

Striking Tisto’s defense in a quick repeated manner.

This is a sentence fragment and it is not alone in this post. You had a few periods that should have been commas, semicolons or other conjunctions.

and calling on the force as he rolled away

Force is generally capitalized when used as a proper noun in Star Wars writing.

to cover the immediate area in an orb of blackness that no light could penetrate.

Good description of Blackness

Talis knew where, Tisto was as he came to a screeching halt in the darkness

Extraneous comma after where.

This guy is starting to piss me off.

You need to designate this as a thought somehow, either through italics or quotation marks. You did this more than once in this post.

Talis delved into the his anger as Tisto closed on him.

You have an extra "the" in this sentence.

Talis pushed through the pains of the blows with sheer rage

Should read "pain of the blows," it's unusual but not technically wrong to pluralize pain in this context.

Great, now i have to report

"I" is always capitalized when writing in first person.

It swirled around the scar across his aura like a frantic sea beating on an immovable island

Great use of imagery here.

Story

You had a strong amount of action in this post and moments of creativity in the combat itself. What hurt you story-wise with this post is you did nothing to expand upon why the characters were fighting or use the venue in any meaningful way. That was a significant missed opportunity.

Realism

Talis shook his head as he turned to leave. A few paces away Talis’ mind went off like a blare horn. Moving on instinct and luck Talis spun to meet his attacker.

Talis has no points in Precognition but has the Lighting Reflexes feat. The rest of the ACC staff was consulted on this and the consensus was that without the "mind went off like a blare horn" part it would have worked as an application of the feat. However, the blare horn piece is describing Precognition which Talis does not have.

As the two sabers fizzed and popped in protest Talis used his superior raw strength to hold back his smaller foes push. They were even in strength and something had to be done.

There are two things wrong with this passage. First, you contradict yourself by saying Talis had superior strength then saying they were evenly matched in strength. Second, they are not even in strength. Talis has +3 Might and Tisto has +0 Might. That is too significant a difference to ignore.

Tisto growled as he straightened himself, pain lancing through him as he called on the Force. The energy felt like a warm fire after a long day's work in the Trepus Mining facility, and he began to relax and heal. He felt the pain recede, though he wasn't completely healed. He took two steps forward, limping.

Damn, well I can still fight with a limp he thought, looking at his enemy. I don’t want to kill him, but he has to learn to not insult the oppressed!

Talis was crouched against the wall, his right arm on his leg, supporting his broken shoulder. His lightsaber was held in his left hand, unactivated. He was sweating profusely, and breathing heavily, though he showed no other signs of exhaustion.

Tisto felt his chest rising and falling at a higher rate aswell, though aside from the groin injury, he was still fine. Tisto removed his leather jacket, and it landed on the ground behind him with a thump. A line of sweat ran down his red sleeveless undershirt, creating a dark line which stood out among the bright red.

He is good though, Tisto thought to himself. He may really be Revak’s apprentice. Hopefully I can teach him a lesson about those who have been hurt before.

Tisto limped forward, igniting his lightsaber again. The same roar of an engine came forth as he limped towards Talis. He held the blade forward, in a strong methodical two handed grip. Down to just elbows and punches, I don’t want to only be on one leg. Still, no more holding back.

The Knight Commander leaped forward, clearing the distance with surprising speed for his limp. Talis reacted quickly, igniting his orchid colored blade, and leaping aside. Afterall, Tisto had only shown the most basic of skills, even if he could match Talis in speed with them. Tisto replied by cutting downward angling the strike towards Talis at the last second.

Caught off guard, Talis barely ducked under the downward cut, and felt the top half of hi robe suddenly come loose. He landed, feeling the remainder of his top come off from the jarring impact. Instinctively, Talis called forth another sphere of darkness, swallowing both of them in the inky black depths. Talis scrambled out, and stood up, his right arm now hanging uselessly at his side. He ignited his saber, ready for Tisto to charge out.

“Why are you doing this?” Talis called into the sphere of darkness.

A few seconds passed inside the sphere, as Tisto concentrated. An illusion of the charging Kiffar came forward, taking the shape of him as he appeared in the Force, and launched itself in the direction of Talis. Tisto followed close behind, coming in slightly under it, his lightsaber held out to his left.

Talis raised his lightsaber to block the illusory Tisto’s saber swing, taken by the illusion due to his exhaustion. Confident in his strength, he set himself up solidly, only to feel Tisto’s right elbow smash into his stomach. The two of them fell to the ground, lightsabers rolling away, deactivating with a hiss-click, and the sound of a dying engine. The two rolled over several times, Talis keeping a firm grip on the Knight Commander despite only being able to use one arm. They stopped with Talis at the bottom.

Struggling, Tisto punched at Talis’s right shoulder with his right hand, blasting with his wrist laser. Talis released the Kiffar with a scream, pain running through his broken arm. Tisto launched himself from his injured foe, only to has his foot kicked out from underneath him as Talis reacted to the pain.

The Knight Commander landed on his back with a thump, pain arcing through him. He struggled to pull himself up as Talis began to dull the pain in his arm as best he could, healing over the surface wound created by the wrist laser. The two combatants pulled themselves up, not knowing where their sabers had rolled off two. Tisto raised his hands up, Talis raised his good arm.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 October, 2016 4:00 AM UTC

Syntax

The energy felt like a warm fire after a long day's work in the Trepus Mining facility

Solid imagery here and what I assume is a bit of character history slipped in. Nicely done.

falling at a higher rate aswell,

"As well" is two words instead of one. You did this later with "after all."

and felt the top half of hi robe

"His robe"

not knowing where their sabers had rolled off two

"To" instead of "two"

Story

I don’t want to kill him, but he has to learn to not insult the oppressed!

This is what was missing from your first post as far as giving a reason for the conflict. Overall you did a much better job here compared to your first post, both in terms of action and character motivation.

Realism

Instinctively, Talis called forth another sphere of darkness, swallowing both of them in the inky black depths.

Blackness is an advanced power that requires concentration to maintain. Even at +3 you are stretching it a bit too far here.

Talis turned his body and widened his stance, he placed his right foot forward and his left slightly back, under his good shoulder. Talis knelt into a deep squat before his enemy with his hand flat and rigid, palm facing Tisto and tucked in close to his chest. He managed to curl his arm across his body and grasp the kidney belt of his Dathomiri robes

The vibe had changed, Tisto could feel it in the air around him. In response to his opponent's tense, offensive stance, Tisto adjusted his dominant right hand back towards his body, readying it like a coiled snake to strike out. He left his left hand out in front loosely bobbing. Talis didn’t seem to care. Tisto got the unnerving feeling that he was cornering a wounded animal.

The two stood unwavering like a pair of serpents, coiled and ready to strike, less than a step from each other.

“If you don't want to tell me your problem, you crimson topped sleemo, then I will beat it out of you.” The growl in Talis’ voice was filled with rage. Tisto realized then, that Talis was going to come at him with a killing intent.

Talis snapped a kick to the outside of Tisto’s leg with his right foot. The crimson haired combatant bound back as Talis’ foot missed the mark and came to a sliding stop.

Tisto saw his chance. Talis’ stance was crossed, leaving his injured side open. Tisto closed the distance with a quick hop forward and planted his feet as he threw a crossing right jab at the Miralukan’s unprotected side.

Talis snarled as his opponent closed. With exhaustion beating on the door, Talis snapped his right leg back and dug his heel into the inside of Tisto’s left knee. Tisto, already in mid swing, couldn't stop his momentum. Talis bellowed as he stood towards his off balanced foe. Rising up on his left leg, Talis snapped his hips around bringing his momentum up and forward from his left to his right.

The momentum yanked Talis’ flattened palm strike at his target like lightning, as his shoulders followed his hips’ momentum to strike at his foe with his left hand. Tisto did everything he could to redirect his punch, losing some strength in it as he started to drift to his left. With a booming smack, the two strikes collided. The resounding shockwave from the stalemated blows sent a searing pain down both combatants’ arms followed by a loud bang and a snapping noise. The small explosion of energy sent them careening in opposite directions while creating a small cratered area in the center of the ring.

Talis watched the world swirl around him as he rolled across the ground. Tisto endured a similar fate and came to a stop on his chest with his face looking towards Talis. The Miralukan was on his back staring up at the ceiling of the building. Both combatants’ chests were heaving up and down.

Tisto winced in pain as he rolled over and sat up. He turned his gaze back to Talis, who still lay on the other side of the blast zone. Tisto attempted to stand but collapsed as soon as he put weight on his left leg. It was throbbing and starting to swell before the equite’s eyes. Tisto cleared his mind and began reaching out with the Force. He began putting his left knee back together. He was surprised to find that Talis’ kick did as much damage as it did. He had hyperextended multiple ligaments and torn some cartilage with that seemingly insignificant kick. Tisto reattached the severed ligaments and began mending the stretched ones back to normal. He resealed the cartilage in the area and healed the fractures along the bones.

As he finished the mending of his knee he began inspecting his other injuries. His right arm had begun to turn purple and the adrenaline from breaking it had begun to wear off. He was done fighting for the day, so he walked over and retrieved his vest before searching for his lightsaber. Both lightsabers were jammed into some loose packed dirt a few feet apart. Tisto retrieved both and made his way to Talis’ unconscious body.

Tisto had no words to describe the unconscious Knight. His left shoulder was visibly swollen, along with his right forearm that was an unsightly shade of purple and blue. Bruises and scrapes dotted the man’s prone body, but the most interesting wound was a burn mark that went up three quarters of the Miralukan’s left arm. Tisto looked down at his wrist laser with a smile. It soon receded when he realized that the concussion from earlier was not from their attacks, but from his wrist laser’s powerpack rupturing. The top of the wrist laser was burst open and empty where he had installed his last power pack.

As much as the Kiffar could tell, he had instinctively fired it to defend himself, but it appeared to have missed its intended target. The only thing that had saved his arm was the shielding around the power pack. It was also what had broken his arm, not his opponent's strike. The bottom of it was dented in right above where the break was.

Tisto limped over to his speeder and began hailing his battle team.

“Allusis actual, this is Allusis one, how copy?” A response immediately blared back at the Knight Commander.

“We copy you loud and clear Allusis one.”

“I have two casualties, one stretcher priority, the other, walking and coherent, how copy?” After a moment a reply came over the radio.

“We copy, two casualties, one stretcher priority one, one walking wounded, cas-evac five mike, how copy?”

“Roger that, five mike, over and out.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 October, 2016 4:31 AM UTC

Story

“If you don't want to tell me your problem, you crimson topped sleemo, then I will beat it out of you.”

Great dialogue! I laughed while reading it.

Story-wise you had some outstanding combat in this post and the climax of the fight was exceptionally creative even if it did garner a realism error. What hurt you here is that you didn't really address the character motivation Tisto gave you in his second post. Talis didn't know in-character what the motivation was, but you could have alluded to it in your depiction of Tisto.

Realism

The only thing that had saved his arm was the shielding around the power pack.

So this whole scenario was a little problematic from a realism standpoint. First I have to give you credit for creativity and for having it appear to be one thing in the initial description and turn out to be something completely different. However, a power cell rupturing and releasing enough energy to throw two grown men like rag dolls and create a crater in the ground without blowing off the guy's hand is a bit much. The fact you had it break his arm mitigated the realism error but didn't eliminate it entirely.