Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris vs. Acolyte Ka Tarvitz

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Consular
vs.

Apprentice Tarvitz

Novitiate 2, Novitiate tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Juggernaut
Comment

Let me first start off by thanking Qyeria for his assistance on this match. He shadowed me as part of the Judge training process and provided his own comments before seeing my notes. I incorporated many of his observations into my comments and reproduced them verbatim in one instance (because I couldn't have done it better myself).

It warms my Consul heart to see two Odanites participating in the ACC and I want to encourage you both to keep taking matches and participate in upcoming ACC events. The comments provided here are meant to help you improve for next time and in no way discourage you from continuing.

Syntax-wise there was some room for improvement across the board. See my general comments about proofing. There was decent use of the venue/environment on both sides, though there were some missed opportunities to really paint a solid picture in the reader's mind. I would encourage both of you to look for places where you can beef up your scene description without messing up the pacing and flow of your posts. There were some hiccups in realism, but nothing that took me out of the match. The skills and force power wikis are your best friend when writing an ACC match. The wiki will save you from most realism errors. If you have any questions about realism don't hesitate to ask a member of the ACC or Voice staffs.

If you both take nothing else from what I've said I want you to remember my comments on character conflict. I specifically want you to remember my comments on setting up the conflict in the opening post and resolving it in the final post. Story is 40% of an ACC grade and by not setting up or resolving the conflict you are leaving points on the table for your opponent to pick up. Lithar got the lower story score because he had multiple story issues but even if the scores were tied I would still give the edge to Ka because of his superior treatment of the action scenes.

I look forward to seeing both of you in future matches.

Ka Tarvitz is the winner

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris, Acolyte Ka Tarvitz
Winner Acolyte Ka Tarvitz
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Ka Tarvitz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Myrkr: The Mighty Jungle
Last Post 26 October, 2016 8:36 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Essik Lyccane
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You had some awkward sentences and repetitive word use that hurt you in this area. Rationale: You had some typos that could have been caught with additional proofing. See my general comment on proofing.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Essik Lyccane
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Both your posts had story detractors. Your first post did not introduce the in-character conflict and your second post skimped on action and abruptly shifted tone without fleshing out the conflict. As I pointed out in both posts, I believe the foundation was there for a solid story. You just needed to flesh things out and build upon that foundation in both cases. Rationale: Your depictions of the action were excellent and you established the in-character conflict when your opponent did not. Your mortal sin was not having an ending. At all. In future matches be sure to resolve the conflict in a way that is satisfying for the reader and presents a clear winner.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Essik Lyccane
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You stretched Lithar's +0 Athletics too far. Rationale: You had the one minor detractor with the missed blaster shots. See my comments to that post.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Essik Lyccane
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I found. Rationale: No issues that I found.
Adept Xantros's Score: 3.25 Essik Lyccane's Score: 3.65
Posts

Myrkr Haunted Jungle

The forests of Myrkr are not for the faint-of-heart. The dangers that lurk under the shadowy canopy cannot be underestimated. Not even the Force can protect you from the dangers of the forest. The jungle air hangs humid. Foliage rustles and crunches underfoot of both man and beast that enter, sounds of wildlife permeating from dusk till dawn.

Myrkr is a dangerous world for nearly all sentients. Although once settled by the fabled Neti, it has long since evolved from those days. The flora of Myrkr have a high metallic mineral-count, making it easy to hide from sensors and the perfect spot to set-up a pirate base or other criminal operation. What also made this world perfect for all manner of seedy individuals is the presence of ysalamiri—creatures with the ability to neutralize the Force.

The ysalamiri are located deep within the forests of Myrkr. The creatures have evolved to create bubbles that nullify the Force to protect themselves from the dangerous predators called vornskrs. These vicious, canine-like predators hunt using the Force, and as such are highly attracted to anything that is Force-sensitive.

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris, a member of Clan Odan-Urr just left the freighter that brought him to the planet of Myrkr. One might have been wondering why he would come to such a backwater planet with no real value, but was known for numerous threats, like presumed pirates' hideouts and dangerous predators like vornskrs. However, Lithar Andaris always had a good reason for his actions and a good plan to achieve his goals. Then, he just had to wait for his guest. It took an hour for his guest to find the landing zone, where the Lieutenant Colonel landed his ship. It was not surprising for the former Rollmaster of Clan Odan-Urr, as the flora of Myrkr had so high metallic mineral-count that sensors found it difficult to provide any useful data. The situation even made him satisfied, as he had enough time to scout the area and prepare himself for the battle and return to the landing zone.

Lithar Andaris watched as his guest, Acolyte Ka Tarvitz, another member of Clan Odan-Urr, disembarked the freighter. Certainly, there was also a pilot inside it, as Ka was not able unable to pilot any ships himself. Also, as Lithar had requested assistance of the Acolyte during a mission, it had been highly probable that the Clan Summit had assigned a frieghter to transport the Jedi to Myrkr and back, even though the Lieutenant Colonel had hidden the true reason of his request.

„Welcome, Acolyte,” spoke the former Rollmaster with a kind smile. „I have been waiting for you.”

„I am sorry for being late, Lieutenant Colonel,” replied Ka Tarvitz. „However, this cursed planet has not made it easier to find you.”

„Do not worry about it,” said Lithar Andaris. „I have not wasted the time since my arrival, as I have scouted the surroundings of this glade. There is no direct threat to us at the moment.”

„Very well, then. Shall we proceed with the mission?”

„Of course.”

As they walked deeper and deeper into the thick jungle, less and less light was getting down to the ground. Suddenly, both of them heard a quite loud growl. They both looked to the right and noticed a canine creature that was observing them. It seemed to be particularly interested in Ka Tarvitz.

„What is it?” asked the Acolyte.

„I guess that it is a vornskr,” replied the Lieutenant Colonel. „Myrkr is well-known for them, their unique ability to sense the Force and their unsatisfied apetite for Force-sensitive creatures.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 29 October, 2016 4:53 PM UTC

Syntax

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris, a member of Clan Odan-Urr just left the freighter that brought him to the planet of Myrkr.

You need to close the "a member of Clan Odan-Urr" parenthetical with a second comma. As a matter of style this sentence is awkward. You have said "the Odanite Lithar Andaris" or something similar to convey the same idea in a smoother manner.

„Welcome, Acolyte,” spoke the former Rollmaster with a kind smile. „I have been waiting for you.”

While it is not a detractor and did not affect your syntax score, the use of non-English style quotation marks is jarring to a native speaker. Consider using the American/British style.

Also, as Lithar had requested assistance of the Acolyte during a mission, it had been highly probable that the Clan Summit had assigned a frieghter to transport the Jedi to Myrkr and back, even though the Lieutenant Colonel had hidden the true reason of his request.

This sentence is fairly awkward, consider splitting it into two separate sentences. Also, you misspelled freighter.

Story

as Lithar had requested assistance of the Acolyte during a mission

You left the details of the mission as an open question to the reader. Some mystery is a good thing but you never came back to this and it was left as a loose thread.

Matches between members of the same Clan are always a challenge. You have to come up with a reason for the two characters to be in conflict with one another. You had the start of a "testing the new person" conflict but didn't get to it in your first post. What you set up was more of a cooperative venture against the common threat of the vornskr. This would be fine in a run-on, but in the ACC duelist hall there has to be conflict between the two characters in every post (see the ACC rubric). This is a story detractor. You had the start of a solid conflict, you just needed to carry it a bit further to the point where the characters were actually fighting in your first post.

Squinting through the twilight glinting down through the dense canopy of leaves, Tarvitz could barely make out the bulk of something massive half hidden amid the flora. Thickly muscled and crimson eyed, it looked like the sort of thing a Hutt would keep as his personal trophy monster. A whip-like tail was quietly uncoiling at its back, but Tarvitz’s attention was focused squarely upon the beast's pair of hateful crimson eyes and vast slavering maw. It was the sort of thing which really should not have been left out of any mission briefings, bare-bones as his one had been.

"Some forewarning would have been nice," Tarvitz quietly said, slowly unbuckling the heavy blaster pistol holstered at his thigh as they stared down the beast, "They aren't, perchance, known for simply walking away from potential prey I take it?"

"Unfortunately not," the Lieutenant Colonel answered, and Tarvitz heard the crunch of dead leaves as he edged away from the Force user.

No sooner had Andaris taken his first step, the vornskr bounded forwards, its growl rising into a bellowing roar as it hurled itself at Tarvitz. Throwing himself to one side, the Acolyte landed heavily, dragging his weapon clear from its holster and firing twice at the creature. Two searing beams of energy punched up into the treeline overhead, failing to find their mark. The vornskr landed somewhere out of sight, and he barely had the chance to rise into a crouch before it came about again. Slamming bodily into Tarvitz, jaws snapping as it came, the thing bore him to the ground.

Snarling, he Tarvitz tried to force himself backwards as it pinned him in place, claws scraping against the reinforced plasteel of his armour. Punching up with one arm, he barely managed to force its head aside as the vornskr lunged for his exposed neck, chewing into the ground next to him before reeling back for a second attempt.

"Help, damn you!" Tarvitz yelled out, wondering what in Corellia's nine hells Andaris was doing. He was answered seconds later, as several emerald green bolts screamed through the air. Several struck the beast, burning into the vornskr's thick sable fur and eliciting a shriek of pain, but a number of others missed entirely. One in particular punched a hole into the ground where Tarvitz's head had been moments before, leaving a charred patch in the dirt.

Biting back a curse, Tarvitz fumbled with his own weapon for a moment as he felt its weight momentarily ease off him, before jamming it into the vornskr's ribs. He pulled the trigger, listening to its screams as he unloaded full half of its power back into its side, opening a ragged fist-sized hole into its innards. It made one final roar, lunging for the Acolyte's face and missing entirely, before slumping to the ground.

"Looks like I chose the right Jedi for this mission," Andaris said with a smile as Tarvitz hauled the vornskr's twitching corpse off of him and rose to his feet "Though i'm surprised you didn't use a lightsaber at that range."

Andaris started to walk towards Tarvitz, before abruptly stopping, his smile faltering as the other man leveled the blaster at him.

"And I am surprised any mention of these beasts slipped your mind," Tarvitz said coldly taking careful aim at the man's head "What was it you said, again? 'There is no direct threat to us at the moment.' You just happened to overlook a creature all but tailor made to hunt Jedi?"

"Ka, please," Andaris said, raising his hands in a peaceful gesture "I secured the glade we landed in. I said there was no immediate threat-"

"Until we stepped away from the ships, and suddenly this thing emerges. A monster quite happy to ignore you in favour of me." Tarvitz interrupted, thinking of all that had happened since his arrival. He was hardly prone to bouts of paranoia, but the hours he had spent among the Brotherhood's great libraries had taught him a few key details. One of which was how the Brotherhood so often used duplicity and schemes to succeed in its goals, especially the elimination of potential foes within their ranks. He barely knew the Lieutenant Colonel and, for all his claims of serving Clan Odan-Urr, the mission had raised too many questions.

"Why are we here?" Tarvitz asked, momentarily considering the prior briefing.

"Excuse me?"

"It's a simple enough of a question - Why did you require the services of an Acolyte? I was told by Master Drachen that you had the full details of this task upon arrival. Surely there were better Jedi for such a task, so why did you require me in particular?"

Andaris paused for several seconds, seemingly unable to answer. That was enough. Tarvitz pulled the trigger and opened fire.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 29 October, 2016 5:16 PM UTC

Syntax

Qyreia provided some detailed syntax comments during the shadowing process which I have reproduced below. He found some errors I missed and I concur fully with each comment.

I will make a general comment about proofing. It's important to get another set of eyes on a post before you send it up. Clan mates and even people in the fiction channel are perfect for this. For your self-proofing process it's important to walk away for a bit after you feel a post is finished. After doing something else for a bit come back to the post and look over it closely. I have found that walking away and coming back will lead me to find errors I had missed the first time.

Story

Thickly muscled and crimson eyed, it looked like the sort of thing a Hutt would keep as his personal trophy monster. A whip-like tail was quietly uncoiling at its back, but Tarvitz’s attention was focused squarely upon the beast's pair of hateful crimson eyes and vast slavering maw. It was the sort of thing which really should not have been left out of any mission briefings, bare-bones as his one had been.

The descriptions and imagery here are excellent. The last sentence especially puts the reader in Tarvitz's shoes which is a nice touch.

Andaris paused for several seconds, seemingly unable to answer. That was enough. Tarvitz pulled the trigger and opened fire.

You did a good job of taking what your opponent gave you in his opening post (namely the beast scenario) and creating a solid action sequence with it. You really shined by creating the character to character conflict in your post that should have been established in the first post.

Realism

Several struck the beast, burning into the vornskr's thick sable fur and eliciting a shriek of pain, but a number of others missed entirely.

Lithar effectively has +4 Blaster with his base +3 and the Proficiency II Feat. According to the Skills wiki, those with +4 blasters rarely miss a shot. If Lithar was intentionally missing shots you need to make that clear.

"It's a simple enough of a question - Why did you require the services of an Acolyte? I was told by Master Drachen that you had the full details of this task upon arrival. Surely there were better Jedi for such a task, so why did you require me in particular?"

This isn't a detractor but I wanted to make a comment for your future matches. Ka has the We Must Protect This House! aspect which states that he will follow orders unquestionably. You set up why the mission had raised questions and why Lithar's loyalty to the Clan was in question which made this passage consistent with the aspect. However, you need to be careful. Competitors are bound by their own aspects as well as their opponent's. In future matches be mindful of your aspects and make it especially clear when he is taking action that on its surface appears to violate an aspect.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 29 October, 2016 5:20 PM UTC

The following comments come courtesy of Judge Qyeria:

Syntax

A whip-like tail was quietly uncoiling at its back, but Tarvitz’s attention was focused squarely upon the beast's pair of hateful crimson eyes and vast slavering maw.

While not a major detractor, repeating the "crimson eyes" description can be distracting, as opposed to using another descriptor like "hateful, bestial glare" instead. The overarching paragraph is otherwise well-written and uses good descriptive language.

Snarling, he Tarvitz tried to force himself[...]

Minor typo present here. Make sure you're proofing your work, and/or have someone else that can assist in the capacity.

[...]unloaded full half of its power back into its side[...]

Another typo (power pack) and "full" which should be "fully" or "a full."

"Though i'm surprised you didn't use a lightsaber at that range."

Another typo. "i'm' should be capitalized as "I'm."

"And I am surprised any mention of these beasts slipped your mind," Tarvitz said coldly taking careful aim at the man's head "What was it you said, again? 'There is no direct threat to us at the moment.' You just happened to overlook a creature all but tailor made to hunt Jedi?"

This and the following section has repeated punctuation errors: a missing comma after "coldly," a missing period after "head" in this; a missing period after "gesture" in the following.

It was quite obvious to Lithar that the talk was not going to end well since the Acolyte had aimed the blaster at him. The Lieutenant Colonel carefully observed the Jedi and noticed increased tension of Tarvitz's muscles a second before his opponent pulled the trigger. Andaris instinctively jumped to the left and avoided the blaster bolt be a low margin of few centimeters. He quickly run deeper into the forest, while constantly changing directions, in order to avoid more blaster bolts that Ka Tarvitz shot at him.

Few seconds later, the cannonade stopped, when the Jedi run after the loyalist. They did not run too far as they entered another glade with a single tree in the middle of it. The Lieutenant Colonel stopped nearby the tree and turned back with his blaster pistol in his right hand. The Acolyte stopped around fifteen meters away from the former Rollmaster of the Clan.

„You asked me about the true purpose of this mission,” spoke Lithar Andaris with a polite smile on his face. „I would have gladly explained it to you, if you had not interrupted me with shooting at me.”

„Would you mind explaining it to me now?” asked Ka Tarvitz.

„Gladly,” answered the Lieutenant Colonel. „The primary reason of this assignment is to teach you an important lesson. The secondary goal of this mission is to determine, if you are able to adjust yourself to new situations.

„What is this lesson?” inquired the Acolyte.

„You will know soon, just be patient,” explained Lithar Andaris.

„Why on this backwater planet?”

„You know one reason for my choice. Soon, you will learn the other one.”

„Enough! I am tired with these mysteries and secrets!” shouted Ka Tarvitz.

„Then, come and get me. Use all of skills and powers to get your answers,” provoked his opponent Lithar Andaris and hid behind a tree, hoping that the Acolyte would come into range of an ysalimir living among tree branches.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 29 October, 2016 5:57 PM UTC

Syntax

He quickly run deeper into the forest,

"Run" should be past tense here. You made the same error in the next paragraph.

"Use all of skills and powers to get your answers

This should read "use all of your skills and powers."

Story

It was quite obvious to Lithar that the talk was not going to end well since the Acolyte had aimed the blaster at him. The Lieutenant Colonel carefully observed the Jedi and noticed increased tension of Tarvitz's muscles a second before his opponent pulled the trigger.

This isn't a detractor per se but be mindful of backtracking into an opponent's post. Ideally posts should flow seamlessly from one to the next. Backing up and covering what your opponent already did, even to put your own spin on it, is jarring to the flow.


While there is nothing inherently wrong with a short post, 327 words is pushing it. You breezed through the action your opponent set up for you and shifted the tone so quickly it almost gave me whiplash. As a reader I couldn't help but feel there were some major missed opportunities to flesh out the story and Lithar's motivations. Also, this post was scant on action for a middle post. As with the first post, I can tell the general ideas were there you just need to flesh them out some.

Realism

He quickly run deeper into the forest, while constantly changing directions, in order to avoid more blaster bolts that Ka Tarvitz shot at him.

This is a minor detractor because Lithar only has +0 Athletics. I gave you the benefit of the doubt on the dodge at the start of the post due to the Divine Intervention feat but this is stretching things too far. Be sure to look over the skills wiki entry for Athletics.

Tarvitz wasn’t sure whether to laugh or sigh with disappointment as Andaris hid himself behind the mass of gnarled bark before them. Masters all too often tended to toy with or humiliate their students when they felt they needed to make a rather exceptional point. Tarvitz experienced this firsthand more than once, but this was quickly becoming farcical. Yelling ‘come and get me’ and then disappearing from sight was hardly a masterwork of deception by anyone’s standards. Even with a spike of adrenaline still rushing through his veins, even Tarvitz was cautious enough not to simply sprint headlong into a trap.

Spying the green mottled stump of a fallen tree close by, Tarvitz circled about Andaris’ hiding place, before crouching down behind the decaying wood. Pausing long enough to take what little shelter it could offer from any potential pot-shots, and a moment to glance over his shoulder just to confirm there were no hungry vornskrs prowling through the trees behind him, he reached out with the Force.

Half closing his eyes and extending one hand before him as if trying to grasp something hanging unseen in the air, he tried to pick out anything which might have given Andaris away. While he lacked the innate skill of his peers, he had often been able to rely upon picking out surface thoughts of his foes, or heightened emotions to give away their plans. Yet, as he probed the area before him, Tarvitz could feel nothing. This was no calm moment nor even the quiet background pulse of a peaceful environment, but a total absence. It was as if he were looking into a void in the world, one bereft of life itself and the total antithesis of all he understood. It wasn’t merely colourless, stagnant nor even dead in any sense, but completely gone. As if nothing surrounding that tree had ever existed.

Tarvitz exhaled quietly as he lowered his hand, shaken by the fleeting sense of what lay beyond him. Whether this was due to Andaris himself or the damnable planet they stood on, he didn’t know. Nor, quite frankly, did he care. It merely meant he had to rely upon a much more direct means of concluding this engagement than his connection with the Force. Pausing only to switch out his pistol’s almost depleted pack with a fresh charge, Tarvitz leveled its barrel at the tree trunk before lifting his aim. Pulling the trigger several times, he loosed a volley of shots into the branches overhead, filling the air with the smell of burning wood. Then, with a crack of splintering wood, several branches fell from the tree, hurtling towards the ground.

There was a surprised yell from somewhere behind the tree followed by several hurried footsteps racing away from the trunk. Unfortunately for Tarvitz Andaris had apparently been smart enough to keep the tree between himself and his opponent, preventing the Acolyte drawing a bead on his foe. Staying where he was, Tarvitz watched and waited, holding his ground to see where the Lieutenant Commander might emerge next.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 29 October, 2016 6:10 PM UTC

Syntax

Unfortunately for Tarvitz Andaris had apparently been smart enough to

Should be a comma after Tarvitz.

Story

Yet, as he probed the area before him, Tarvitz could feel nothing. This was no calm moment nor even the quiet background pulse of a peaceful environment, but a total absence. It was as if he were looking into a void in the world, one bereft of life itself and the total antithesis of all he understood. It wasn’t merely colourless, stagnant nor even dead in any sense, but completely gone. As if nothing surrounding that tree had ever existed.

This is a good description of how the Force neutral bubble of a yasalamir would appear through the Force.

Staying where he was, Tarvitz watched and waited, holding his ground to see where the Lieutenant Commander might emerge next.

This is the mirror of Lithar's error on the opening post. He didn't start the conflict in the opening and you didn't resolve it in the ending. You left things open for another post to follow. When you have the final post either in an alternate or singular ending match you have to resolve the conflict between the characters in a meaningful way. Another ACCism for future reference is generally that resolution means there must be a clear winner of the conflict. The conflict does not have to result in death or dismemberment but the reader should walk away from a final post knowing who "won" in the in character conflict. See the ACC guide section on final posts for further guidance.