Warrior Abadeer Taasii vs. Warrior Kul'tak Drol

Warrior Abadeer Taasii

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Togruta, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Warrior Kul'tak Drol

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
Comment

This was my first chance to grade a co-op match, so thank you for making it a pleasant read. Both of you have reached the point where you're competitive ACCers, and I look forward to seeing you continue to refine your writing through more matches.

Abadeer, you've got a good handle on what makes ACC writing work, but your execution was sloppy in places. You lost points to Syntax that could have been averted by a good proofreader, and, although your writing was good enough to bump you up to a 4 in Story, the lack of resolution negated that advantage and could easily have cost you the match.

Kul, your middle post was good but you floundered a little at the ending. When you get a cool idea, or even just when have a character do something, double check that it's justified on their CS. The "I'LL KILL YOU TAASII" ending could have worked well with a different opponent, but it ended up being very out of character for Abadeer.

It bears mentioning that, despite the detractors I noted, this was a pretty solid match by two good ACCers. I enjoyed reading it and I hope you guys enjoyed writing it. However, I have to render a judgement: Abadeer Taasii is the winner! The scores ended up being very close, so perhaps a rematch in a few months is in order. Regardless, I hope to see some more work from both of you soon.

Alethia Archenksova
ACC Judge

Hall Cooperative Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Abadeer Taasii, Warrior Kul'tak Drol
Winner Warrior Abadeer Taasii
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Abadeer Taasii's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Kul'tak Drol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: The Gauntlet
Last Post 2 February, 2017 4:17 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Syntax - 15%
Kul'tak Drol Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A few outright errors and few places where I had suggestions. Rationale: Several errors, mostly the same handful repeated. Definitely take the time to have some good proofers look over your work.
Story - 40%
Kul'tak Drol Abadeer Taasii
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Pretty solid, but it lacked that special sparkle. Rationale: I really liked the content of your posts, so you would have gotten a 4 in a singular ending match. However, the lack of a resolution slapped you back down a point.
Realism - 25%
Kul'tak Drol Abadeer Taasii
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: A few errors, particularly how your last post contradicted Abadeer's CS. Rationale: Some errors in your second post.
Continuity - 20%
Kul'tak Drol Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I saw. Rationale: No errors that I saw.
Kul'tak Drol's Score: 3.55 Abadeer Taasii's Score: 3.65
Posts

Matron_TheGauntlet

The Godless Matron was once a Trade Federation battleship, crewed by countless droid workers. Since then, many sections of the ship have fallen into disrepair due to the sheer amount of manpower involved in its maintenance. As a result, parts of the central sphere of the Lucrehulk-class battleship has been left to the ravages of time and the scars of the Clone War itself.

The crew has come to refer to this section of the Matron as The Gauntlet, largely due to the danger it represents. Located in the lower regions of the command sphere, it is a crosshatched network of ruined and damaged hallways, repair bays, and even crew quarters. While most power has been shut off to this section — save for critical systems such as life support — the systems and circuitry still require occasional maintenance in order to keep the entire framework operational. Such tech runs have become a matter of betting amongst the crew, earning it the nickname: running the gauntlet.

Matron_HangarZerek

A heavy layer of dust sits mostly undisturbed along the debris of the halls, save for the footprints of the few crew that have tread the path before. These previously walked paths are a safety net for those who venture into The Gauntlet unknowingly. It is also thought that the remaining Separatist forces staged a last ditch defense within this area of the ship, and did so by any means necessary. Many traps, ranging from explosives to spring-loaded mechanisms, are littered throughout the untravelled pathways — or even still undisturbed within the known sections. Further still, malfunctioning B1 droids and even semi-active Spy Drones remain, ready to ambush the unsuspecting observer and adding to the dangers of the dark, debris filled tomb The Gauntlet has become.

The odd alien duo continued down the dark, nearly frozen corridors of the Godless Matron. After Clan Plagueis’ outright defiance of the Grand Master, Morgan Sorenn had been dispatched to the Aliso system in an attempt to regain Plagueis’ allegiance without outright conflict. Plagueis had lost its trust in the Dark Council though, and had dispatched Warriors Abadeer Taasii and Kul’tak Drol to Sorenn’s command ship to scout out any potential threats.

Unfortunately for the pair, the Godless Matron was neither sensical nor forgiving. Where the command structure would normally be, was a labyrinth of nearly frozen corridors fraught with danger. Abadeer’s muscles were involuntarily spasming in the cold of the durasteel hull, his home planet being a much more tropical climate, he was neither accustomed, nor a fan of the cold. Kul’tak didn’t seem to be taking the temperature too well either, neither of them had packed any weather proofed clothing.

“If Sorenn’s command is actually down in this area.. she’s as crazy as they say.” Abadeer said through his nearly violent shivering. Kul’tak nearly nodded in response, choosing to not waste energy on speech. “That or our intel was outdated, and this isn’t where the bridge is. It doesn’t seem there’s hardly any power down here.” Kul’s eyes narrowed, as he stopped and looked around.

“You’re right.. I don’t think..” Before Drol could finish, there was a loud crashing noise coming from one of the corridors ahead. The two Warriors froze, eyes straining to peer through the darkness for any hint of movement. There were piles of scrap and metal littered about the labyrinth, and it sounded like one of these had been shifted or toppled. Both Sith had their hands on their weapons, getting prepared for the first sign of conflict. It took several minutes of almost total silence, but then the clanking began.

Abadeer and Kul’tak could hear several pairs of metal footsteps heading in their direction. As the footsteps came closer, the pair tensed more and more, and soon they could hear faint voices.

“Roger, Roger!”

“Battle Droids.” The two said simultaneously, turning to each other. Both Warriors drew their sabers, three crimson blades igniting in the dark. The first droid to come in sight of the Plagueins was an odd amalgamation various battle droid parts. The base was standard B1 droid, but it had two heads, a super battle droid right arm, and legs from a droideka.

“What is that?” Kul questioned as he squinted, leaning forward.

“Rog Rog. Rog!” the robotic voice came calling down the hall.

“Seems he calls himself Rog.” Abadeer remarked snidely to Drol.

“So it would seem.” Kul’tak answered as he drew one of his Ryyk blade. “Chances that he has lots of friends?” Almost in immediate response several more B1 droids came in view. All were screaming the same response:

“Roger Roger!”

Each of the approaching droids was broken or malfunctioning in some way. Some were stuttering, starting and stopping. Some were missing parts, while some were dragging parts of them along with them. Rog Rog pointed his Super Battle Droid arm up at the pair, and started firing off a series of bolts. Abadeer raised a single saber, deflecting several shots, while Kul’tak raised his left hand with the Ryyk, and the blasts seemed to dissolve into nothing as they reached him.

“I’ll take the left flank, you handle our new friend there!” Taasii called over to Kul as he charged in. Both sabers started to whirl around the Togruta in a beautiful dance of death. The Zabrak sighed deeply as he looked back to Rog Rog, and a small spherical shield flickered before steadying to life around the odd droid.

“Here we go, yet again.” Drol sighed as he followed right behind his charging companion.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 10 February, 2017 10:42 PM UTC

Syntax:
There were several errors here. Individually they were minor, but they add up.

It's in common use, so I'm not docking you for it, but be aware that most dictionaries don't consider "sensical" to be a word.

Unfortunately for the pair, the Godless Matron was neither sensical nor forgiving.

You had two independent clauses (i.e. this could have been two sentences), so you either need to change that middle comma into a semicolon like I did below, or add a conjunction like but or and.

Abadeer’s muscles were involuntarily spasming in the cold of the durasteel hull[;] his home planet being a much more tropical climate, he was neither accustomed[ to], nor a fan of the cold.

Here are two things that were recurring issues in this post. First, an ellipsis always has three dots, never two. Second, if your sentence keeps going after the end of a quote (e.g. Abadeer said, Taasii called, etc.) then the final period in the quote is replaced with a comma. The ACC Guide's Syntax section lays out the rules for both of these.

“If Sorenn’s command is actually down in this area..[.] she’s as crazy as they say[,]” Abadeer said through his nearly violent shivering.
“You’re right..[.] I don’t think..[.]”
“So it would seem[,]” Kul’tak answered as he drew one of his Ryyk blade.
“Here we go, yet again[,]” Drol sighed as he followed right behind his charging companion.

Note that exclamation points and question marks don't change at the end of a quote, so this sentence was perfectly correct.

“I’ll take the left flank, you handle our new friend there!” Taasii called over to Kul as he charged in.

The term for members of Plagueis is "Plagueians" not "Plagueins" according to both Slag and the DJBWiki.

The first droid to come in sight of the Plaguei[a]ns was an odd amalgamation various battle droid parts.

Story:
I love what you did with the hybrid battle droids, especially the creepy use of the familiar "Roger roger!" Co-op matches are still largely uncharted territory, but you did everything I'd really expect from a first post. The mission premise is a little flimsy but workable, but you did a good job showing using the venue and showing us the relationship between Abadeer and Kul.

Realism:
No errors that I saw.

Continuity:
No errors.

Kul’s first victim was an awkwardly functioning B1 droid, it’s old circuits fighting just to stay powered. He put it out of its misery with a slash of his saber and lept at the next one. The one Abadeer had colloquially titled “Rog” was hanging back, letting the other droids move in to distract the warriors while it took potshots. One such shot came close to Taasii, who redirected the bolt with his saber. The bolt careened towards Kul, who had to duck lest he gain a new orifice. He threw the Togruta a nasty unseen glare as he refocused on the next droid before him. Using his ryyk blade as a bludgeon against their metal hides, Kul spun amongst the remaining droids before him and sliced what he could not punch or kick to death. The force of the maneuver flung the hood from his face, but he continued on. Bouncing on his toes in his K’thri dance, he was able to weave in and out easily compared to the droids’ slow methodical movements. His macabre caper soon brought him before Rog Rog, who had detected the tactical disadvantage and was backing away while its shield was still functional.

Kul had to keep moving as the droid swung its arm to bear down on him, blaster bolts pock-marking the floor and wall as he ran. He knew the shields had been designed to prevent energy based attacks, but if he could strike it with blunt force perhaps the droid would go down. He finished circling in the little space he had, passing by Abadeer as the Togruta finished his last droid, and kicked off the wall while bringing his ryyk blade down. Before his blade made contact, however, the droid was thrown violently against the opposite wall. The force of impact overpowered the shield and droid structure alike, ceasing its muddled existence. Kul quickly corrected his feet placement as he landed and braced, preventing him from following Rog Rog into the wall from momentum.

Abadeer lowered his open hand to sheath his saber and began to pat the dust off of himself, trying to ignore the blazing look of the Zabrak as he tucked away his ryyk blade.

“Well, that’s that, I suppose. They obviously know we’re here.”

He should have known better than to think that his comment would somehow appease Kul. Stubborn as always, the Zabrak did not usually let these things go easily. He threw his hood back on before stating gruffly:

“That was my kill, Taasii.”

The Warriors held each other’s eyes as both began inching hands towards sabers, the tension becoming palpable in the limited space of the hallway. Just before Kul thought the Togrutan would respond to his taunt, Abadeer relaxed his taut muscles and sighed. The Zabrak could be so stuck in his tribal ways.

“We’re here on a mission, Kul. We don’t have time for your primal trivialities. The droid was a threat, I ended it. End of story. Now are you willing to play team or was your time on the Summit wasted?”

For a brief moment Abadeer thought he may have pushed too hard as the Zabrak’s eyes became slits and his knuckles popped from his grip on his saber while never leaving his fighting stance. If it came down to it, Abadeer would fight, but he knew the end result was questionable where Kul was concerned. Both of them tended to let their anger take control more often than they should, and if the Matron’s crew were not aware of their presence, a battle of that much violence would surely alert them and jeopardize the mission, and Plagueis. Kul must have realized it, as well, because he relinquished the hold on his saber and stood straight again before continuing on past the Togrutan. As he did, his tone was flat and serious, but Abadeer could feel the hunger for combat that was always lurking beneath the Zabrak’s tattooed flesh.

“Do that again, and I will kill you, Taasii. Let’s go.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 10 February, 2017 10:50 PM UTC

Syntax:
This might just be a typo as you get it right elsewhere in the post, but "it's" means "it is" and "its" means "belonging to it."

Kul’s first victim was an awkwardly functioning B1 droid, [its] old circuits fighting just to stay powered.

This isn't a ding, but the paragraph break and colon were a lot more suspenseful that they needed to be. A simple comma works just fine.

He threw his hood back on before stating gruffly[, ]“That was my kill, Taasii.”

Story:
This was a pretty solid middle post. You gave us some good combat writing, you resolved the threat Abadeer introduced in his first post, and you set up a conflict between the two protagonists going forward.

Realism:
This is a bit much for Telekinesis +3 with no feats. Per the Force powers guide, it would take Kul a little while to move something heavy. I don't know heavy battle droids are, but I'd image it's well over a hundred pounds.

Before his blade made contact, however, the droid was thrown violently against the opposite wall. The force of impact overpowered the shield and droid structure alike, ceasing its muddled existence.

Continuity:
No errors that I noted.

Abadeer and Kul’tak proceeded carefully down the frigid corridors. They’d dealt quickly and easily with the droids, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t going to be anymore trouble. Especially with the commotion they’d caused, the pair were expecting that the crew of the Matron would soon be heading down to investigate.

Larger piles of scrap and metal seemed to show up the deeper the Plagueins went. Taasii’s senses were on the highest alert, as the Togruta became more and more wary the more piles they saw. Right before turning one particular corner, Abadeer’s senses started buzzing like crazy. Taasii reached out and grabbed Kul’tak’s hood and yanked him back from around the corner.

“What are you doing!” Kul yelled, right as a massive explosion knocked both men off their feet. Abadeer crashed into a wall almost immediately by the Zabrak’s body crashing into his own. The wind had been cleanly knocked from Ababdeer’s lungs. He pushed Drol off of him, and fell over onto his hands and knees, gasping for breath. Kul’tak rolled over, shaking his head to clear his senses.

“That was.. unexpected.” Kul’tak remarked as he stood slowly. His Zabrak physiology had kept him relatively unscathed from the explosion. Abadeer could only nod slightly while gasping to fill his lungs. “Are you going to be able to move? Or should I just save myself the trouble and leave you here?” Kul asked. Abadeer shook his head.

“I’ll.. be fine. Let’s go.” The Togruta heavily pushed himself up, taking time to stand slowly, letting his lungs slowly fill again. “Nothing like a deadly trap to wake you up.” Abadeer stated while cracking his neck to the side.

“Whatever you say.”

The pair continued on, this time even more wary than before, careful to check corners and junk piles for any kind of traps. They were almost certain now that there would be a patrol coming down to check the disturbances. The explosion would not go unnoticed. Eventually the Plagueins came upon an area that was lit, and the air started to warm slightly. This made the aliens even more cautious as this area would probably be monitored. Moving down the corridors the pair came across some open rooms, most empty, but there were a few with some non-functioning electrical equipment.

Coming to a intersection Abadeer stopped the pair’s progress. He could sense some life around the corner.

“Cloak up for us, see what’s ahead.” Abadeer whispered to Kul, who nodded in response. After a few seconds, Kul’tak completely disappeared from sight, before stepping around the corner. At the far end of the hall was a door with four guards posted. They seemed to be alert and waiting, blasters primed and ready.

“Come on, we’ll take them. It’s just four men. Looks they might be guarding something important.” Kul’tak whispered from around the corner. Abadeer reached out with his senses. Kul was right, there were four men.

“Wait for my signal Kul, then drop your shroud. We’ll take them by surprise.” Abadeer closed his eyes, and began focussing his will on the closest guard. He dug into the man’s unconscious mind and began to push in some darkness. It took some time, but Abadeer could hear some commotion coming from down the hall as he continued to feed dark thoughts into the mind of the guard.

“Now Kul’tak, go make yourself known.” Abadeer stated, still focusing to maintain his concentration on terrorizing the guard. Taasii peeked around the corner watching for when Kul’tak would make his move. It took a few moments but suddenly the Zabrak reappeared directly in front of the panicking guards. The slaughter was over before it even began. Three precise and quick swipes from Kul’tak’s saber was enough to finish all of the guards. Abadeer released his concentration and made his way towards the carnage.

“Well done Kul. Now, let’s see what our good friends were hiding from us.” The pair nodded and both extended their lightsabers into the door frame. It took a minute or two, but the door quickly came down. Stepping inside the pair were shocked to see the room’s contents. Inside were hundreds of bombs. After a few minutes of inspection Abadeer was able to see that they were electro-proton bombs, a somewhat experimental weapon used to disable electronics.

“The Pinnacle’s shields are strong, but probably not enough to stand up to this. They could be preparing for an invasion.” Abadeer stated, the shocking realization dawning on him. “We’ve got to shut this down.” Kul’tak nodded, also seeming a little dumbfounded at the revelation.

“And just how do you think you’ll do that.”

Abadeer and Kul’tak whipped around, all three lightsabers activating, as they turned to see where the voice had come from. The two were shocked to see a platoon of fifty or so, rough looking pirates standing in the hall behind them. At the front was a heavily tattooed female Zabrak.

“What should we do with the Zhalia?” A voice from the crowd sounded out.

“They’re not leaving here alive.” Zhalia responded, followed by a chorus of cheers.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 10 February, 2017 11:03 PM UTC

Syntax:
I had to confess that this is super nitpicky, so I'm not going to ding you for it. Technically, "anymore" means "no longer" (e.g. "I'm not going to ACC anymore.") while "any more" refers to quantity.

They’d dealt quickly and easily with the droids, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t going to be any[ ]more trouble.

Again with the Plagueins.

Larger piles of scrap and metal seemed to show up the deeper the Plaguei[a]ns went
Eventually the Plaguei[a]ns came upon an area that was lit, and the air started to warm slightly.

You need a different verb, partially to avoid sounding repetitive, but mostly because "crashed by" isn't a construction you see in English. Maybe "Abadeer was slammed into a wall..."?

Abadeer crashed into a wall almost immediately by the Zabrak’s body crashing into his own.

More of the same ellipsis and comma issues from your first post:

“That was..[.] unexpected[,]” Kul’tak remarked as he stood slowly.
“I’ll..[.] be fine. Let’s go.” The Togruta heavily pushed himself up, taking time to stand slowly, letting his lungs slowly fill again. “Nothing like a deadly trap to wake you up[,]” Abadeer stated while cracking his neck to the side.
“Cloak up for us, see what’s ahead[,]” Abadeer whispered to Kul, who nodded in response. “Come on, we’ll take them. It’s just four men. Looks they might be guarding something important[,]” Kul’tak whispered from around the corner. “Now Kul’tak, go make yourself known[,]” Abadeer stated, still focusing to maintain his concentration on terrorizing the guard.
“They’re not leaving here alive[,]” Zhalia responded, followed by a chorus of cheers.

You use "an" before words that start with a vowel sound and "a" for everything else.

Coming to a[n] intersection Abadeer stopped the pair’s progress.

This is a question, not a statement.

“And just how do you think you’ll do that[?]”

Ditch the comma. There's not logical or rhetorical reason for it to be there.

The two were shocked to see a platoon of fifty or so[] rough looking pirates standing in the hall behind them.

This looks like it was just a typo.

“What should we do with the[m,] Zhalia?” A voice from the crowd sounded out.

Story:
This was a good post with one very glaring exception: you seem to have forgotten that this match was alternate endings instead of singular. Not only is the story unresolved, but you introduced a new wrinkle in the last few lines.

Realism:
You did a good job of showing the amount of time and concentration required to use a power at +2, but you either need to be able to Sense the target or see it, and you don't have the bandwidth to use Terror +2 and Sense +3 at the same time.

Abadeer closed his eyes, and began focussing his will on the closest guard. He dug into the man’s unconscious mind and began to push in some darkness.

How? He doesn't have anything that would give him knowledge of different kinds of explosives, much less exotic, experimental ones.

After a few minutes of inspection Abadeer was able to see that they were electro-proton bombs, a somewhat experimental weapon used to disable electronics.

Continuity:
No errors that I noticed.

Abadeer followed Kul through the labyrinthine halls of this death trap for intruders. The Zabrak’s pace was quick, driven by a shortened temper, but Abadeer kept pace while they both watched for anymore unwanted surprises. It seemed to the Togrutan that Kul was headed for a specific place, barely pausing take in the decisions of a left or right turn. Finally curious enough to bring it up, Abadeer grabbed his companion’s shoulder to halt them.

“Kul, where are you going?”

The Zabrak jerked his head in the direction they were headed.

“This place must have a safe exit for the crew. My instincts are telling me it’s this way. You might could say it’s a little survival trick I picked up on Iridonia. Come on, if we hurry we can get out before anything else shows up.”

A voice slid from beneath a pool of shadows, slithering out and caressing their ears as if a lover.

“Oh but it’s a little late for that, my lovelies.”

Turning the pair saw a human man emerge from the hall opposite of the turn they’d just made. Covered from head to foot in close-fitting leather, he creaked as he walked and bore an amused expression. One akin to an admirer catching a glance of their muse. He flicked his wrist and an electro-whip crackled into existence as the light sprayed over them all. His voice was warm, with a somewhat higher than normal lilt to it.

“Hello boys. Morgan said some of you might try to pop in for a visit. She said I could play with you as much as I wanted. How exciting!”

He giggled with glee as Kul suppressed a shudder and gave Abadeer a quick glance. At a nod from the Togrutan, they both charged forward while drawing their weapons to bear. With speed they had not expected, the man spun between them. With a deft twist he wrapped the whip around Kul’s left leg and pressed a button on the handle. The Zabrak reared back in pain as electricity arced through him. At the same time the man also deflected a stab by Abadeer with his open hand and managed to knock him away. Kul fell wounded as the burns broke his balance. When he looked up, Abadeer was headed the opposite direction. He roared his anger as he tried to stand.

“Come back here, Taasii!”

Abadeer waved a hand.

“Sorry Kul. Only one of us has to get in. Keep him busy for me, will ya?”

The man laughed again.

“Oh we are gonna have so much fun, pumpkin.”

“I’LL KILL YOU TAASII!!!”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 10 February, 2017 11:23 PM UTC

Syntax:
See my comment on Abadeer's last post.

The Zabrak’s pace was quick, driven by a shortened temper, but Abadeer kept pace while they both watched for any more unwanted surprises.

Taasii is a Togruta, not a Togrutan.

It seemed to the Togruta[] that Kul was headed for a specific place, barely pausing take in the decisions of a left or right turn. At a nod from the Togruta[], they both charged forward while drawing their weapons to bear.

The "One akin to..." bit was a sentence fragment. You either need to give it a main verb or tack it onto the preceding sentence like I did here.

Covered from head to foot in close-fitting leather, he creaked as he walked and bore an amused expression[, o]ne akin to an admirer catching a glance of their muse.

Story:
Nothing spectacular, but I see what you were going for. When you have two Dark Path characters going into a situation like this, it's almost expected that one will screw the other over. The comedic nature of the ending was a nice touch. However...

Realism:
...Abadeer has three Aspects that imply he wouldn't ditch Kul and run away. First, per We Must Protect This House!, he's loyal to Plagueis and not likely to willingly get a clanmate killed or, worse, captured. More importantly, both Always Looking for a Fight and Hunter And The Prey talk about how he relishes combat and won't back away from it.

Additionally, I'm not sure how you're justifying this section. Kul barely has Sense, and it's much weaker that Abadeer's is. He doesn't have Pilot (L) or a Lore topic to help him navigate a large ship. His Survival is pretty low and wouldn't apply on a starship anyway.

“This place must have a safe exit for the crew. My instincts are telling me it’s this way. You might could say it’s a little survival trick I picked up on Iridonia.

Continuity:
No errors that I saw.