Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Knight Justinios Drake

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Knight Justinios Drake

Journeyman, Clan Taldryan
Male Aleena, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

Good day all. Thanks for waiting so patiently for this judgement and for using the cooperative halls. It's always interesting to see how participants' methods shift ever so slightly to accommodate the change in focus. Now enough yammering and pleasantries; let's get to the judgement.

Both of you had a solid grasp on syntax that shows a little extra review would have made them otherwise flawless, so good job there. You both had a seemingly solid grasp of the story, but not a unified one, since in the course of the narration you both laid claim to being the mastermind of the operation. Story took its biggest hit with the setting, which was barely described and played little to no role in the story overall (the one exception being Andrelious', but more on that later). The Gungans likewise offered little resistance despite superior numbers and coming from a warrior culture. You both also seemed to have a slight issue with attention to detail, which was the cause for the noted continuity errors — if you're going to bring in enemy groups and specific numbers of opponents, make sure you're keeping track of that.

Andrelious, you had some solid character interaction, and the Gungan dialogue was spot-on and generally amusing. Where you have good technical writing ability though, you falter heavily in your realism adherence. You stuck to the CSs well enough, but your ability to acknowledge the battle fatigue and injury of your character leaves a lot to be desired. The godmodding note, where the large body-crushing amount of water was essentially shrugged off, cemented this. It's always fun to make your character look good, but at this level it very firmly broke the suspension of disbelief.

Justinios, you had a solid grasp of what you wanted to do with the story, and mixed dialogue with action/intrigue well. You also had a fairly solid grasp of the CSs, which was another bonus. However, you largely failed to acknowledge the venue; as in, you are at Otoh Gunga, the Gungan capital, and you only faced down about a baker's dozen of opponents. There were a great deal of other holes in the plot, as mentioned in the post notes, that brought an otherwise decent story to a point that it felt flat and not well thought-out.

With comments complete, I declare Justinios Drake victor by points.

Hall Cooperative Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Knight Justinios Drake
Winner Knight Justinios Drake
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Weapons Lightsaber x2, E-11 Blaster, Inquisitorius Sith Dagger (Legacy)
Knight Justinios Drake's Weapons *Knight's lightsaber - shoto (Legacy)
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 8 February, 2017 10:44 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Qyreia Arronen
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Rai-Ho Daigua
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Several syntax errors present through both posts. See notes for further details. Rationale: Several syntax errors present through both posts. See notes for further details.
Story - 40%
Deleted Rai-Ho Daigua
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Combat was flat and one-sided, and was rarely paired with sufficient narrative compared to the copious dialogue. Setting was used sparingly as part of the story, and only made a real appearance at the climax. See notes for further details. Rationale: Several details remained a mystery until the end of the final post. Plot and character interaction generally smooth and appeared thought-out, though the setting offered little to the match or the posts. See notes for further details.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Rai-Ho Daigua
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: One major detractor and multiple other minor detractors marked. See notes for further details. Rationale: Several minor detractors marked. See notes for further details.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Rai-Ho Daigua
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Two continuity errors marked. See notes for further details. Rationale: One continuity error marked. See notes for further details.
Deleted's Score: 3.1 Rai-Ho Daigua's Score: 3.35
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

“I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inajh whispered to the Aleena in the cell next to him. “Listening to these Gungans speak to each other is going to drive me mad.”

“I appraised you as to every step of the plan before you agreed to it”, Knight Justinios Drake replied.

Andrelious couldn't argue against the former professor’s point despite his waning patience for the Gungans manner of speech. The Dinaari Aedile had not only approved the mission to Otoh Gunga but volunteered to assist the house’s newest Knight on his quest to forcefully acquire some supplies from the Gungans.  Taldryan’s forces were short on just about everything and the Sith Warlord knew that Journeyman’s plan had a much higher chance of success if someone with combat experience tagged along.

Since the duo had gotten themselves captured on purpose the previous evening everything had gone just as Justinios had predicted. The two members of House Dinaari had pretended to be common bandits when they attacked the Gungan caravan on the surface. This action promptly landed them in the prison cells they currently occupied. Justinios had done his homework though and knew that the Gungans were no strangers to Force Users so steps were taken to ensure that their abilities remained hidden until it was time to make a move. This plan made their required escape much easier since they were taken to a fairly normal prison block deep within Otoh Gunga to await trial instead of being clapped into stun cuffs and put into high security cells.

The Dinaari Aedile’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Gungans entering the room. “Dinner is right on schedule, Drake.” The food delivery crew consisted of a single Gungan guard, just as it had earlier in the day.

“If this goes exactly like breakfast he will deliver food to my cell first.” Andrelious noticed a slight quiver in the Journeyman’s voice as he spoke. “I will attack him which should draw the two guards by the door away from their post.”

Drake was putting on a brave face but Andrelious knew the Knight would have preferred that the more experienced of the two of them started the fight. “I know my part Drake, I will not leave you to take on three Gungans alone.”

As soon as the door to the Knight’s cell was opened he was on the much larger alien like a kowakian monkey-lizard. Justinios was like a blue blur, spinning and dancing around his cell to avoid the Gungans attempts to restrain him. Andrelious had no idea just now technically sound the Aleena’s movements were, because he was moving so fast, but it didn’t matter much since it was getting the job done. The two Gungans guarding the exit quickly rushed to the aide of their compatriots, both hands on their Electropoles.

Andrelious' moment to act had arrived, now that none of the attending guards could access a comlink. With a simple push the door to Andrelious’ cell popped open, subtlety using The Force to stop the locking mechanism from activating earlier in the day made escape a simple task.

The two Gungans who had previously been guarding the door turned to the newly escaped prisoner and pointed their weapons at him, “Get back in yousa cell!”

The Sith Warlord raised his hands as his anger built within him. “The correct phrase is ‘Get back in YOUR cell!’” As he finished reprimanding the Gungans for their manner of speech purple lightning shot out of his fingertips, almost instantly stunning the two spear wielding guards.

The remaining Gungan stopped trying to restrain Justinios as the sound of Andrelious’ force lightning cracked through the air. Frozen in fear, all the poor guard could do is watch in stunned silence as Andrelious picked up one of the Electropoles and swiftly stabbed it through each of the unconscious guard’s necks. Justinios took the moment to use the petrified guard’s uneven stance against him, taking spinning strikes at each of his knees to send him sprawling onto the cell floor. Andrelious didn't wait for the Gungan to plead for his life, as quickly as he fell to the ground the Sith Warlord dispatched him in the same manner as he had the two previous.

“By the stars Andrel, you’ve made a disgusting mess of this place. The plan was to lock them in the cell!” Justinios was clearly shaken by the brutal violence.

Andrelious would use this moment to teach the new Knight a lesson. “You are a Knight of Taldryan now Justinios Drake and our enemies will not put the same care into sparing lives as you do. If you are to survive here, you must be willing to kill in order to protect those you care about.”

Justinios nodded in understanding but said nothing else in that moment. Instead, the blue skinned alien made his way across the room all while carefully avoiding the bodies and the pools of blood before arriving at the data terminal in the opposite corner.

“Phase two of the plan requires our weapons, and if I am correct they should be right…” Justinios paused and he continued reviewing the maps, “here!”

Qyreia Arronen, 17 February, 2017 1:39 AM UTC

Syntax

“I appraised you as to every step of the plan[...]

The “as to” here is very awkward to read, and would be better as just “of.”

[...]the Gungans manner of speech.

Here it should read Gungans’ with an apostrophe.

“If this goes exactly like breakfast he will deliver food to my cell first.”

The issue here is rather minor, but still a detractor. This bit of dialogue, and the remainder of the paragraph, should be merged with the preceding one, given that both are devoted to Andrelious talking rather than a switch between the two characters.

Justinios was like a blue blur, spinning and dancing around his cell to avoid the Gungans attempts to restrain him.

As before, Gungans’ with an apostrophe is necessary here.

With a simple push the door to Andrelious’ cell popped open, subtlety using The Force to stop the locking mechanism from activating earlier in the day made escape a simple task.

This sentence needs a bit of punctuation editing: a comma after “push,” and a period after “open” to make a new sentence out of the second independent clause. Also, I believe “subtly” is the word you were looking for; not “subtlety.”

[...]Andrelious’ force lightning cracked through the air.

Here it should be “Force lightning.” The Force is space-wizard mojo; force is physics.

[...]poor guard could do is watch in stunned silence[...]

Should be “was watch.” Breaks the past-tense rule as well as switches it mid-sentence.

Story

“I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inajh whispered to the Aleena in the cell next to him.

This is not a detractor for the grading scale, but using the character’s full name and title can be a little off-putting unless there is a reason for stating the entire thing. As is, it breaks up the flow of the reading somewhat.

The Dinaari Aedile had not only approved the mission to Otoh Gunga but volunteered to assist the house’s newest Knight on his quest to forcefully acquire some supplies from the Gungans.

Good job on explaining the “why” of the story here. Given Justinios’ intellectual background though, a supply run seems rather out of place, especially given the 1) travel distance for these supplies, and 2) lack of information on what these “supplies” are; Naboo isn’t exactly known for being a major exporter of… anything, really.

Realism

“I will attack him which should draw the two guards by the door away from their post.”

The pair had been talking to each other from different cells, in Basic, which is understandable by even the average Gungan; that’s not even taking into account the very audible volume that would have reached their ears. Minor detractor.

Andrelious had no idea just now technically sound the Aleena’s movements were, because he was moving so fast, but it didn’t matter much since it was getting the job done.

I would also question how he was able to see this from within his own cell (this is not explained at all in your post), but as it is, this “blue blur” only has an Athletics +3 and Might +1. If Drake was using his Amplification, there is a distinct lack of description to indicate it. Minor detractor.

Justinios took the moment to use the petrified guard’s uneven stance against him, taking spinning strikes at each of his knees to send him sprawling onto the cell floor.

I am not calling this a detractor simply because I can see the slimmest plausibility of this working. However, with Drake’s previously mentioned stats in mind, plus his whopping 55kg of total body mass and whopping +1 in K’thri, it is only the slimmest possibility that Drake could manage this maneuver on a trained prison guard that is much, much larger than he. Be careful with these displays.

Synopsis

Pretty good first post. You covered the who, what, where, when, and why (for the most part) without too much issue in syntax. I’d recommend one or two more go-overs in the proofing phase, as your errors were somewhat consistent. The story element suffered little, as I was only left wondering what sort of “supplies” they could find with Gungans that could be so crucial. What hit you most was realism, and to that end I want to point out: NPCs still have skills relevant to their cultures and professions. The entire fight scene had a handful of guards (that come from a warrior culture) utterly befuddled and defeated without either Drake or Andrelious breaking a sweat despite being unarmed and using only one visible instance of Force powers.

Andrelious was secretly quite impressed at what he had seen of Drake so far. The Aleena claimed to be a man of science, but he was proving to be an incredibly tricky opponent.

“Let’s take a look at that map,” Andrelious stated, wandering over to join his subordinate.

The Sith studied the data terminal’s output carefully.

“So we’d need to fight our way through six compartments, by the looks of it,” Justinios declared, his diminutive fingers tracing the route along the screen.

“That’s not going to be easy. These Gungans aren’t as stupid as their dialect would suggest. Especially with their insistence on using home-grown weapons,” the Aedile explained.

“That’s the other reason I invited you along. I needed someone with a more military background. I am just a scientist, after all,” the Aleena answered.

“We can save the science for when we get our weapons back, Drake. Look. Our weapons are in that compartment, as you said. Our best approach is to head directly there, then make our way to whoever’s in charge. Then, we’ll proceed as I explained on the way,” Andrelious continued.

Without waiting for Drake to reply, Andrelious moved towards the compartment’s exit. He peered through the door, spotting two armed Gungans on guard in the adjacent compartment.

Opening the door without announcing his plan, the Sith casually approached the two locals.

“Yousa out! Yousa in berry big trouble!” one of the guards announced, pointing his electropole at Andrelious.

“Wait! Hesa unarmed!” the second guard yelled, tossing his weapon away.

“You will also drop your weapon,” Andrelious commanded, glaring upwards at the first guard.

“Mesa also drop mesa weapon!” the Gungan replied, releasing his grip on his electropole.

Bemused but impressed, Justinios sprinted in, picking up one of the discarded weapons. He was about to pick his first target when he spotted that Andrelious was already barracking one of the Gungans with a wave of Force lightning. The local fell to the ground, out cold.

“Drake! Wait! This other one’s going to help us,” the Aedile ordered.

“O-Okeeday. Oh pleasa no hurt mesa!” the Gungan stammered.

“He won’t hurt you if you just do what he asks,” Justinios explained, still trying to figure out exactly what his companion had done.

“Speak to your commanders. I don’t care what you say, but I want a clear run between here and our weapons. Do I make myself clear?” Andrelious hissed.

The Gungan seemed to have figured out the Sith’s annoyance at his dialect and responded with a simple nod.

“Good. Now, show us to our weapons. Try anything and I assure you that I don’t need a lightsaber to kill,” Mimosa-Inahj ordered.

-x-

Having reacquired his weapons, Andrelious wasted no time in executing the prisoner.

“If you keep this up there’s going to nobody alive!” Drake commented.

“That’s the idea. They’ll give anything to keep us away. Besides, I don’t kill civilians, Drake. Even I have my limits,” Mimosa-Inahj explained.

Staring through the water, Justinios spotted a group of Gungan guards back in the prison block that he and his Aedile had been placed. As he watched, the Aleena saw the locals reacting to the carnage.

“Looks like we’ve been found out. What’s the next step?” he asked.

“We fight until they’ve had enough. Come on!” Andrelious commanded.

Passing through a doorway, the two Taldryanites came face to face with a trio of Gungans, each armed with an electropole.

“Yousa stop there!” the lead Gungan cried.

Leading the charge, Andrelious activated his silver-hilted lightsaber, rushing towards the nearest enemy.

Justinios, though still new to his lightsaber, didn’t take long to follow suit, and selected his target, making sure to keep well out the way of his Human ally’s attacks.

Slicing easily through an electropole, Andrelious slammed his lightsaber into a Gungan’s midriff, before turning to see Justinios attempting to do the same. The unfortunate Aleena had seemingly picked the strongest fighter of the three, who was doing a surprisingly good job of avoiding Drake’s well-aimed attacks.

Tricking Justinios with a feint, the Gungan kicked out, knocking the newly minted Knight to the floor. He moved to stab the fallen Aleena with his electropole, but Drake was ready for it, rolling away to one side. Leaping back to his feet, Justinios prepared to re-engage his opponent.

As he moved over to help, Andrelious found his way blocked by yet another group of Gungans, who had silently filed into the room as the Aedile watched Justinios. Immediately the Sith saw that they were more heavily armed, and were each carrying a personal energy shield. He lunged forward, trying to disarm one of the Gungans, but his lightsaber crashed into the shield. The shield shattered, but the momentum of the attack was dulled enough to allow the Gungan to smash his Atlatl into Andrelious’ shin.

“So you do have some fight!” Andrelious roared.

Qyreia Arronen, 18 February, 2017 3:02 PM UTC

Syntax

He was about to pick his first target when he spotted that Andrelious was already barracking one of the Gungans with a wave of Force lightning.

The first point of this is not a detractor, that being that barracking has two distinct definitions: provide (soldiers) with accommodations, and (British English) jeer loudly at someone [performing or speaking in public] in order to express disapproval or to create a distraction. This part is a detractor: you can’t do that with Force Lightning, by either definition.

[...]smash his Atlatl into Andrelious’ shin.

As in the venue description, atlatl is not a proper noun, and thus should not be capitalized. Your later post continues this, so at least you’re consistent. Just keep this in mind in the future.

Story

[...]but he was proving to be an incredibly tricky opponent.

But… he’s not your opponent. Or is he? Needs more explanation for the reader, which isn’t present in your post.

[...]still trying to figure out exactly what his companion had done.

As is the reader, since by this point it is assumed this is a mind trick, but there has been no indicator that the Gungan isn’t just a coward, which is insinuated by the dialogue given. Always remember that the “why” of an action is part of the story scoring, which is missing here.

Having reacquired his weapons, Andrelious wasted no time in executing the prisoner.

This is a rather significant jump between two points in the timeline. Especially given that your post is very dialogue-heavy, a narration that described the trip (how the guard distracted the other Gungans, etc.) would have been welcomed. As it is, Andrelious just told the guard he wanted a “clear run” and then the scene magically shifts to him being armed again and killing the hapless guard for no particular reason (poignant because its partner had been knocked out rather than killed).

[...]Besides, I don’t kill civilians, Drake. Even I have my limits,” Mimosa-Inahj explained.

Clearly his definition of “civilian” is a very loose one, since most prison guards fall under that strata.

As he moved over to help, Andrelious found his way blocked by yet another group of Gungans[...]

I’m rather curious what happened to the third Gungan of the initial party. Did he join the others? Did he run for reinforcements? This is a minor gap, but a present one that requires more attention to detail on your part. If you’re going to write three opponents, engaging two doesn’t finish the encounter.

Realism

He peered through the door, spotting two armed Gungans on guard in the adjacent compartment.

And none of them managed to hear the earlier scuffle somehow, complete with death-rattles and pleas for mercy? Minor detractor.

“Wait! Hesa unarmed!” the second guard yelled, tossing his weapon away.

The guard dropped his weapon because Andrelious was unarmed? This not only makes no sense on the Realism scale, but also makes for some questionable plot progression and confusion for the reader. Minor detractor.

“So you do have some fight!” Andrelious roared.

Most folks would yell “Agh!” or “Dammit that hurt!” While his Endurance is +3, Andrelious’ Resolve is only +1. Could he take the hit? Sure. Would he be able to just shrug it off in order to rant at the assailant? Nein. Minor detractor.

Continuity

[...]Then, we’ll proceed as I explained on the way,” Andrelious continued.

Except it was Drake that had formulated the plan, as stated in the first post. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

Other than the use of regional terminology and capitalization issue, syntax for this was fine, so good job on that account. Beyond that, the story leaves a lot to be desired. The setting is not described at all beyond doors, rooms, and water, leaving much of the scenery to be determined by the reader (the faltering narrative-to-dialogue ratio did not help). Further, there is little explanation as to why things are done and, especially with the massive scene-jump, how they are done. The continuity error cements something of note: Andrelious is Drake’s superior by rank, but Drake is a competent and intelligent individual and the architect of the mission. Remember that when writing other characters (even NPCs) in the future.

Justinios Drake’s viewing angle allowed him to watch as Andrelious recovered from the blow to his legs. The Journeyman knew his Aedile could handle himself in a fight but he was also relying on the Sith’s piloting abilities to make their escape from the underwater city. Justinios knew he had to ensure Andrelious’ hands remained in working order and that meant he had to eliminate the threat in front of him so he could assist his human companion.

The very muscular Gungan continued to prod Justinios’ defenses with the longer range of his electropole. If he wants to keep me at a distance I will make him regret that decision. With that thought the Aleena took a flipping leap backwards and, using the time afforded to him by the now large gap between two adversaries, focused his mind upon the shoto resting in his palm. Eyes closed and right arm extended, the little Aleena guided his now spinning weapon towards the massive Gungan. The whirling blue blade easily sliced through the Gungan’s left leg, sending the alien crumpling to the ground as the weapon came spinning back to it’s owner’s outstretched hand.

The Knight turned attention away from the disabled guard and paused to evaluate the scrum that Andrelious seemed to be stuck in. Although the Dinaari Aedile was keeping the four remaining guards at bay with his chained attacks, the Gungans were deftly staggering their own assaults so that Andrelious was unable to finish off any of the opponents. Each time the Sith and his red blade would advance upon a vulnerable foe, two of the other Gungans would attack the human from behind. This caused the Dinaari Aedile to pivot to back to defense and the cycle repeated itself.

As he analyzed the stalemate in front of him, the blue-skinned Knight carefully considered his options. The idea entered his reptilian brain like a lightning bolt which caused Justinios to yell out, “Andrel, hit the deck!”

The Aleena then extended his blue hands out in front of him as he let the image of an exploding sun enter his mind. The sound of what he assumed was Andrelious throwing himself to the floor occurred just a moment before the chamber was filled with a light so bright that Justinios could perceive it through his thick reptilian eyelids.

As Justinios opened his eyes and tried to blink the blurriness away, he saw a black, human shaped blob powerfully dispatching the other more pink hued blobs. As each body hit the floor the partially blinded Knight found that a little bit more of his eyesight returned which allowed him to perceive more accurately that Andrelious had been the black shape performing the executions.

“I know it sounds silly but rub your eyes a bit,” the now victorious Sith told his tiny understudy, “it might just be in my head but it always seems to help me recover from temporary blindness.”

Justinios took the advice and began rubbing his eyes until he felt like they might pop out of his skull. “How much further is it to the bongo?”

Andrelious paused for a moment to sever the head of the Gungan Justinios had disabled from it’s pink body. “Hmm, if I remember the map from the prison correctly it was only three compartments away. The good news is that I don’t think I can see any more Gungans ahead of us.”

“Then mission accomplished!” An excited Aleena was like being around a small child. Justinios began pumping his fists and jumping wildly around the compartment. He was clearly still missing some of his eyesight because, in his elated state, he fell over one of the dead Gungans. The diminutive Knight quickly popped back up onto his feet and continued his thoughts. “All we have to do now is steal that bongo, locate the underwater storehouse and report its exact location back to the fleet.”

“Oh that’s it huh?” Andrelious stated while snapping his lightsaber back onto his belt. “Let’s wrap this up."

-x-

As the bongo cut through the deep waters of the Naboo sea, Justinios Drake finished transmitting the coordinates of the Gungan’s medical supply storage facility. “Okiday Andrel, weesa gettin outta here.”

The elder Taldryanite looked over at the Aleena with a disgusted look on his face. “I hate you sometimes.”

Qyreia Arronen, 18 February, 2017 5:06 PM UTC

Syntax

If he wants to keep me at a distance I will make him regret that decision.

This thought by Drake needs to be delineated from the narration proper, either by italicizing the text or quotation marks with a “he thought” qualifier at the end.

[...]afforded to him by the now large gap between two adversaries[...]

There should be a “the” after “between.” As is, it reads as though Drake was facing down two opponents.

[...]paused to evaluate the scrum that Andrelious seemed to be stuck in.

While this is not a detractor because of its correct usage, I would advise against using terms (in this case “scrum”) that are regional in their use, as it can distract a reader that is unfamiliar with it.

Story

[..]focused his mind upon the shoto resting in his palm.

I see this as a good use of your Saber Throw Feat. This is not a detractor, as you explain the act in full, but I would recommend using more dynamic phrasing for such a power. As is, it reads as a somewhat slow and lazy motion rather than the swift and deliberate attack that a saber throw generally is.

As Justinios opened his eyes and tried to blink the blurriness away, he saw a black, human shaped blob powerfully dispatching the other more pink hued blobs.

How is he doing this? His lightsaber would give off a light, as would Force Lightning. Generalized combat is fine when it isn’t the main focus. In this case, it is the focus, but the reader has only “blurry blobs” to paint the picture of the scene.

“How much further is it to the bongo?”

This is the first time that any sort of transport has been elaborated on. There are a lot of missing details about what is going on and how the characters are being appraised of each nuanced item.

The good news is that I don’t think I can see any more Gungans ahead of us.”

I did some rough math and Drake/Andrelious engaged between twelve to fifteen opponents. At this point, I am curious where they are that there are only fifteen Gungans in a submerged facility guarding two prisoners. There is no description of what type of complex this is (a city, and underwater prison, etc.) and thus all we have is conjecture.

As the bongo cut through the deep waters of the Naboo sea, Justinios Drake finished transmitting the coordinates of the Gungan’s medical supply storage facility.

This bit of narrative did not require a separator, and comes off as a lazy attempt to avoid writing a more elaborate scene. It is also not very motivating that this is the first time the reader is hearing about the actual objective (a medical supply depot) of the duo. It also deviates from the entire premise of the earlier story, wherein they would cause havoc to extort the Gungans.

Realism

Each time the Sith and his red blade would advance upon a vulnerable foe, two of the other Gungans would attack the human from behind.

At this point, i would expect (per his CS) Andrelious to lash out with telekinesis or Force lightning in accordance with his A Weapon To Empower The Worthy. He did choose to charge in with his lightsaber at the fight’s outset, which is why this is only a minor detractor.

The Aleena then extended his blue hands out in front of him as he let the image of an exploding sun enter his mind.

Good depiction of the Blind power. You showed full concentration on the act, which at +2 is necessary when in combat.

Continuity

“All we have to do now is steal that bongo, locate the underwater storehouse and report its exact location back to the fleet.”

What happened to extorting the Gungans for resources? While Drake might have established the plan, it was Andrelious’ preceding post that elaborated on what this plan was. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

With a bit more review, the syntax on this would have been otherwise flawless, and you held largely to the characters’ personalities (save for the combat note in the realism section). What this lacked was a proper story, setting, and attention to detail. Aside from how the pair got into the underwater prison, the setting plays little role in the story which is almost nothing but combat and dialogue that leads to combat. There are also plot details that, as noted above, are not divulged to the reader until the very end of your finishing post, and in one instance completely diverts from the goal as established in the preceding post (see Continuity).

Andrelious found that the Atlatl attack was a little more effective than he first thought. Rearing back, the Sith went to go all-in, but as he shifted his weight, he realised that his shin was badly bruised by the Gungan’s improvised melee weapon.

Furious that the supposedly primitive alien had managed to hurt him with such apparent ease, Mimosa-Inahj assaulted his attacker with a wave of Force lightning, knocking the Gungan off his feet. Without hesitation, the Aedile finished off his fallen enemy, his lightsaber easily cutting through the local’s neck.

Looking in the direction of his companion, Andrelious noticed Drake was attracting plenty of attention. The tiny alien was doing his best to dip, dive and dodge out of the way, but the Sith suspected that it would not be long before a Gungan was able to land a telling blow. He was very pleased to see Justinios handling his newly acquired lightsaber so well; the Aleena was more a man of science than a fighter.

Rushing towards his companion, the Aedile tried to move in between the Gungans and Justinios, but one of the locals saw the approaching Sith and moved his electropole into Andrelious’ path.

“Yousa going no further!” the Gungan shouted.

“I will go where I like!” Andrelious snapped, raising his free hand. With seemingly little effort, the Sith commanded the Force to hurl the Gungan into an entry portal with such speed that he was forced through the hydrostatic force field. The alien quickly adapted to the water, choosing to swim to another nearby compartment rather than attempt to rejoin the battle.

Meanwhile Justinios, who was still pinned down, continued to evade the remaining Gungans’ attacks, though he was starting to show signs that he was tiring. Stepping into the battle, Andrelious allowed the Force to guide his movements, quickly taking over the initiative. The Sith disarmed two Gungans with two faster slashes, before chopping the third attacker’s hands clean off as he charged at Andrelious with an Atlatl.

“At least you’ve not killed them, this time,” Drake observed, surveying the scene.

“I’m thinking that we may have to abandon this endeavour. I was hoping that the death toll would convince the locals to buy us off, but they’re just throwing more and more at us. Besides, the weapons here are pretty primitive. Are you sure they defeated a droid army?” Andrelious questioned.

The Aleena frowned. “I was thinking more about their shielding technologies. Imagine if we were able to build a city much like this one somewhere, and...”

“That would require finding somewhere suitable, gathering together enough material AND getting the Gungans to show us how to build it. We wouldn’t have had much chance at that before we arrived. Now that we’ve slain half of their army, it’s definitely not going to happen,” the Aedile replied.

“Alright. Can we at least see if they’ve got anything on the Force in their archives? Given how isolated they are from the rest of Naboo, it’s possible that they have a different angle on it,” Drake stated.

“I’ve told you. You won’t learn about the Force by reading about it. You learn about the Force by mastering it,” Andrelious sighed.

“Yousa do mui mui talking!” one of the defeated Gungans commented.

“One thing I have to question. You said they’re going to keep attacking us. Why haven’t they sent anything else?” Justinios asked, trying his best to ignore the local.

“That’s why we need to get out of here. I don’t know the exact nature of these force-fields. Just suppose, Drake, that we did build one of these cities. With what we know of the Iron Legion, what is the most obvious way that we’d be able to defend ourselves in the case of invasion?” the Sith queried.

Justinios’ eyes widened as if he’d just made a massive breakthrough in one of his experiments.

“Well, I guess I would make sure that the force-fields can be disabled. Seal the Iron Legion in and, and..” the Aleena trailed off as he noticed Andrelious staring at a wall and frowning.

Moments later, the hydrostatic walls shimmered out of existence. The cold waters of Lake Paonga rushed in, forcing the two Dinaari members to hold their breath and begin swimming towards the nearest dry compartment.

As Andrelious swam towards safety, he spotted one of the Gungans’ bongos docked to the side of his chosen compartment. He also noticed that the locals had assembled a welcoming party of half a dozen members of the Gungan Grand Army.

Reaching the compartment’s entry portal, the Dinaari Aedile turned to see that Justinios was struggling. Even with the Force helping him, the Aleena’s tiny lungs were almost completely emptied of their reserves of air.

Andrelious had only a few moments to act. Focusing entirely on his companion, he reached out to the Force, almost imploring it to pull Drake towards him. The Sith allowed himself a little smirk as Justinios sped past and through the portal. He followed moments later, knowing that there would be no time to catch his breath. He re-activated his lightsaber, preparing himself for the inevitable fight.

Just start moving towards the bongo. If anyone gets too close, you know what to do. There’s no time for science now, Drake.

The Aleena nodded in response, readying his own lightsaber.

“Yousa moi done for now!” one of the Gungans cried, charging at Justinios. The former professor prepared himself for a fight, but Andrelious intercepted the incoming local, his crimson blade ruthlessly severing the Gungan’s head.

Drake saw his opportunity and sprinted away, followed by his slower and heavier companion. His short legs made the distance between himself and the bongo seem much greater, but, with a sigh that was part relief and part exhaustion, the Aleena finally leapt into the submersible, turning to see if Andrelious was still behind him. Sure enough, the Sith was still heading towards the bongo, pursued by the remaining Gungan soldiers.

Reaching the docking port, Andrelious moved to enter the bongo, but, as he looked behind him to check on his enemy, he noticed that one of them was carrying a booma on the end of her Atlatl. Flicking it towards the Aedile, the Gungan and her colleagues backed away.

Justinios closed his eyes, too afraid to watch. He heard the booma impacting on the ground, and Andrelious crying out in pain. Moments later, he felt the bongo start to move off.

“I’m going to need help moving this damn thing, Drake! That energy ball of theirs is pretty potent. I’ll need medical assistance once we get back to the surface. Just don’t make me do anything that involves moving my feet!” Mimosa-Inahj ordered.

“Yousa just sit tight!” Justinios quipped.

Ignoring the remark, Andrelious continued to pilot the bongo away from Otoh Gunga.

The two men of Dinaari had failed.

Qyreia Arronen, 18 February, 2017 7:41 PM UTC

Syntax

The Sith disarmed two Gungans with two faster slashes[...]

As there is no comparative context to say what these slashes are faster than, this should just be “fast” or some synonym thereof.

Story

The alien quickly adapted to the water, choosing to swim to another nearby compartment rather than attempt to rejoin the battle.

I would argue that this is unrealistic as well, but it points more toward a common theme in the story thus far: the opponents portrayed are generally weak and cowardly. For a story that has very little plot outside of the combat, the combat itself is very bland because of this. If they don’t run away, they are soundly defeated outright, save for if it involved Drake. The only advantage to this snippet is that the environment is finally providing something more than a bland, featureless backdrop.

“Yousa do mui mui talking!” one of the defeated Gungans commented.

My thoughts exactly.

Realism

Without hesitation, the Aedile finished off his fallen enemy, his lightsaber easily cutting through the local’s neck.

This is a good depiction of your Nasty Way to Go Aspect, if a little cheesy.

Meanwhile Justinios, who was still pinned down, continued to evade the remaining Gungans’ attacks, though he was starting to show signs that he was tiring.

At this point, so should Andrelious. He has used Force lightning multiple times in a short period, as well as telekinesis and mind trick. Instead, he continues to wade into the fray without so much as breaking a sweat.

Now that we’ve slain half of their army, it’s definitely not going to happen[...]

This is not a detractor, but it almost was. I am assuming this observation is based on Andrelious’ very limited knowledge about Gungans and their Grand Army. In such a case, it might be beneficial to let the narration explain such context.

The cold waters of Lake Paonga rushed in, forcing the two Dinaari members to hold their breath and begin swimming towards the nearest dry compartment.

Picture if you will that you are in a large gymnasium. Now picture that gym being surrounded by water on all sides including the roof. Now imagine the gym is suddenly gone. Tens, if not hundreds of thousands of liters of water are now crashing down on your head with equivalent force of gravity and water tension. Without some intervention of the Force, I would give either character about a one percent chance of even surviving; three percent of remaining conscious. This is thus a major detractor.

The former professor prepared himself for a fight, but Andrelious intercepted the incoming local, his crimson blade ruthlessly severing the Gungan’s head.

Andrelious is now at a point, in a realistic world, where he would be tired and beaten up. Endurance +3 doesn’t equate to what you are portraying, especially after all of the Force powers and physical exertion that has been put forth thus far. Minor detractor.

Continuity

Rushing towards his companion, the Aedile tried to move in between the Gungans and Justinios, but one of the locals saw the approaching Sith and moved his electropole into Andrelious’ path.

What happened to the shield-equipped group that Andrelious had attacked in your previous post? Minor detractor for this discrepancy.

Synopsis

“The two men of Dinaari had failed.” This is the most realistic part of the entire post. You managed to keep syntax errors to a minimum, discounting the aforementioned Atlatl error, which was good. While there was still a significant amount of dialogue, you did manage to have more narration and plot progression, which was an improvement over your last post. Realism took a major hit because of lack of attention to detail (which also attacked your continuity), especially in the fatigue aspect of combat for Andrelious, the culture and numbers for the venue’s populace, and the very real concept of how physics works.