Syntax

“Fresha fish! Coma get-cha fresh fish!” A Gungan yelled in his distinct Basic tongue[...]

While you can use an exclamation point even when transitioning from dialogue to narrative in the same sentence, the following word (“A” in this case) should not be capitalized. This happens throughout the post. Unrelated, I loved the imagery this gave me of a stereotypic Italian-accented street vendor.

Adjacent to the fish stall, was a meat stall, who was also followed by a vegetable stall.

This is a simple case of comma-itis. The first comma shouldn’t even be there; the second is hit-or-miss. The “who” should also be “which,” as the stall is not a person.

The face of a Kithar is usually filled with some sort of tattoo, this Kithar wasn’t.

Kiffar. It’s spelled Kiffar.

Story

The man rose slowly to his feet, as he wiped the blood from his face, and the olive make up slowly washed away.

While this is perfectly fine on the realism scale (+3 Subterfuge plus Man Of Thousand Faces), this falters for the story because there is no basis set for why Lithar — we can only assume this is Lithar, since you didn’t name anyone but Jorm — was camouflaged or why he suddenly attacked. Always remember that the “why” of the story is very important. A little more elaboration would have taken you far.

Realism

Lexiconus slowly pushed through the plasma bubble[...]

This is a minor detractor, but the bubbles are “hydrostatic,” not plasma. Plasma would burn the frack out of you. Also very power-inefficient.

The face of a Kithar is usually filled with some sort of tattoo, this Kithar wasn’t.

Then how the bloody fracksticks can you tell he’s a Kiffar?! Externally, they are identical to baseline humans. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

This was a good start for the match. Syntax suffered a bit, largely because of your issue with transitioning from dialogue to narration, as well as comma-itis (or as I’ve started calling it, commabeetus). Aside from the oddity with the Kiffar makeup, the intro story was rather good, though there is the ever-present “why” being asked: why is Lexic there? What’s he doing? Realism likewise only had some minor issues, as you used the Character Sheets to good effect.

Syntax

Lithar Andaris fell on the ground, when he got hit with a droid.

This is an unnecessary comma.

[...]whom he considered to be impure in matter of loyalty.

This is awkwardly phrased. One rewrite I would suggest is “in matters of loyalty.” Otherwise, I would recommend a total rewording.

"Who did send it?"

“Who sent it?” would be the proper written form of this sentence, given the context of the conversation.

"Mistress Death has sent both me, her faithful messenger, and the message itself," answered Lithar Andaris taking out his DH-17 blaster pistol and shooting at the droid, which turned into a piece of junk.

Here a comma would serve you well after “Andaris.” While not a detractor, using some more colorful descriptors for the droid would have gone a long way as well.

[...]ready to cease the unworthy existence the impure one with a single shot.

“The impure one” here is rather awkward and needs some adjustment, such as adding “of” prior to the phrase (of the impure one) or a pairing of m-dashes (unworthy existence — the impure one — with a single shot). Even a couple of commas would have sufficed.

Story

Lithar Andaris fell on the ground, when he got hit with a droid.

This whole paragraph is backtracking and essentially restates the end of Lexic’s preceding post. This is lazy storytelling, especially given that your post barely passed the minimum word count as it was.

The Human finally had a chance to eliminate the first person from the list of people, whom he considered to be impure in matter of loyalty.

What list is this? Who did it come from? Who is Lexic supposed to be loyal to, given that he’s from another Clan? This attempt at a backstory is a stretch that is generic without offering any concrete details for the reader.

[...]shooting at the droid, which turned into a piece of junk.

Aside from the incident where the droid hit him in the head, this is the only point of “conflict” within the post. Simply aiming at Lexiconus and using flamboyant threats does not equate to conflict.

Realism

[...]wiped the blood from his face, washing the make up away in the process.

I don’t know what kind of face paint Lithar is using, but I would like some, because I’ve never seen or heard of any makeup that “washes off” with a wipe of the hand. Minor detractor.

Continuity

"You are definitely not Jorm," spoke the Quarren.

This wouldn’t have been an issue if the whole first section of your post wasn’t a restatement of Lexic’s post. Since it is, this is a minor continuity error for its incorrect verbage.

Synopsis

Aside from the above noted syntax errors, the biggest oddity I found was that you rarely used partial names. Only once do you shorten “Lithar Andaris” to just “Lithar.” Not a detractor, but a bit odd. Between the backtracking and the general lack of any discernible plot progression, the story left much to be desired. Not only did it create more questions than it answered, but the setting disappeared entirely while these two had their little tiff in the middle of a busy city street — one that is full of civilians and military personnel alike.

Syntax

[...]the Quarren extended the distance between the two men, as he thought of a plan.

This is an unnecessary comma.

“Whoa there, sir. Who is this Mistress Death and why am I on her list? I assure you,” He gulped, as the guards had still not taken noticed from their patrols.

Here you manage to use a comma correctly at the close of the dialogue, but still capitalized “he” when you shouldn’t have, which happens throughout the post. Unless it was supposed to be a new sentence, in which case that comma should be a period. The latter option allows for the comma after “he gulped,” whereas in the case of the former, I would nix it.

The Human slowly smirked, as he fired another warning shot[...]

Another unneeded comma. Cease and desist!

His ankle destroyed from the ricochet of plasma.

This clause should be merged with the preceding sentence as it is incomplete on its own.

[...]who struggled to keep the bleeding from his ankle and bit his lip.

Here “keep” should be replaced with “stem,” “halt,” “stop,” or other like words.

But this poor soul, that you just shot[...]

I told you to cease with the commas. Don’t make me get the clamps.

Hopping and stomping over, the Gungan guard on his Kaada quickly stormed over, his spear tightly in his hand.

Kaadu. It is spelled kaadu, and as it is not a proper noun, should not be capitalized.

Story

The Human slowly smirked, as he fired another warning shot but into the ground near his ankles, which caused the Gungan behind Lexiconus to collapse.

This and the later scene with the Gungan guard are the only instances of combat/conflict within the post. Bear in mind that this is the Duelist Hall of the ACC — you are going to have to fight your opponent.

Realism

“Fine, help the frog, then you will be coming with me[...]”

Granted, Lithar’s dialogue has been over-the-top thus far, but there is nothing to reinforce such xenophobic language, especially given that he is a Light Path Loyalist.

“One of you must tell the guards, there is an assassin here. Please, make sure they come and arrest him,” He whispered[...]

While he is an intelligent individual, convincing the Gungans that he is a Jedi and Lithar is an assassin, all while the latter is watching a matter of meters away, falls under Subterfuge, which Lexic has a whopping +0 in. The same goes for Empathy, Manipulation, or even (+1) Tactics, which would otherwise have allowed him to sway the crowd and use them to his advantage as described here. Minor detractor.

“Yousa come with me, assassy-yin!” The guard roared at the Human, who quickly pulled his blaster out and shot two rounds into the guard’s skull.

Again, Lithar is a Light Path character. Not counting the racism in his dialogue, this incident is counter to that Path choice, especially given that he has no Aspects to back it up. This unfortunately qualifies as a major detractor. It’s also a bit unrealistic simply because of the double-tap that he pulls off straight from the holster (there’s a Feat for that).

Synopsis

Whatever you were doing in your first post dropped off heavily here. There were significantly more syntax errors, as well as an increased variety of them. The story suffered because there was barely any conflict between the two characters, making this match come off as something closer to a Cooperative Hall match. Lastly, the realism took a massive hit because you tried to force Lithar into being the villain. If he acts like this in his own fiction, it is not backed up by his CS, which is what I grade by, and a Light Path shooting civilians and guards uncaringly does not come off as Light in any way.

Syntax

[...]his goal no matter of the cost.

A comma after “goal” would help, but is not necessary. The phrase “no matter of the cost” needs some revising, such as “no matter the cost,” or “no matter what the cost.”

When the Quarren hesitate[...]

Minor typo that should be “hesitated.”

The Quarren was surprisingly quiet and did not take any suspicious actions, like if he hoped to prevent any further casualties, if he obeyed Lithar's orders without hesitation.

After “suspicious actions,” this sentence starts to fall apart in understandability and becomes difficult to read. Perhaps a rephrasing, such as, “...and suspicious actions, thinking that if he obeyed Lithar’s orders without hesitation, he could prevent any further casualties.”

Story

"Stop now," ordered Lithar Andaris. "Stop and greet Mistress Death, as she wants to have your soul."

How is it, in the course of four posts that this is the first time that either character has directly harmed or attempted to harm the other?! There isn’t even a fight! It’s just a lackluster execution without so much as some dramatic last words.

He put a breathing device on his face and walked through the portal to swim to the surface.

If Lithar wants to outrun (out_swim_ in this case, I suppose) the Gungans that are hot on his heels, I’d wager that a human doesn’t stand much chance against a race of amphibians. But what do I know? I’m just a simple tailor.

Realism

When the Quarren hesitate, the Lieutenant Colonel aimed at a Gungan child and shot it in the head, killing the boy instantly.

Lithar is a Light Path character, with no Aspects that overtly counter this. Had you simply gone along with Lexic’s method, you would not have been marked simply for maintaining continuity. This went from “killing guards and injuring bystanders incidentally” to “shooting children.” This is unfortunately a major detractor.

Synopsis

You were handed the rather difficult situation of trying to work with someone else writing your character poorly/incorrectly. However, making the uncharacteristic portrayal worse did not help your situation, nor did maintaining the extremely short posts that hardly offer much to the story. On the upside, you managed to at least incorporate the setting into your post this time, but it was only by a small margin. Syntax showed many of the same types of mistakes as in your previous post, which tells me there is some need of proofing from an outside source.