Mystic Alara Deathbane vs. Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Mystic Alara Deathbane

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Consular
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC!

Syntax-wise both your posts were generally clean but Alara had a noticeable advantage in that she only had one real error and her use of language was more robust. Neither of you really excelled in the story area, the "I'm dark, you're light, let's fight" plot is thoroughly average and the reason for an NFU to even be in the cave was not explained by either of you. Alara did an excellent job with the action and giving the combat a back and forth to keep the dramatic tension up. See my story comments to both of you. Alara had a few close calls on realism (the ending especially) but only had one clear detractor in the use of real life profanity. Lithar had a continuity error in his first post by mis-characterizing how the fight started.

Alara Deathbane is the winner

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Alara Deathbane, Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris
Winner Mystic Alara Deathbane
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 2 March, 2017 12:45 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had multiple instances of missing articles (the, a, etc.) but otherwise nothing else that pulled me out of reading. Rationale: You only had one minor typo but otherwise your syntax was clean with varied word usage. Excellent work. This is a strong 4.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: I don't know what else to say about your story dimension other than you need more cowbell! Short posts aren't a detractor per se, but you inevitably lose story points because you can't do much when you're dancing so close to the absolute minimum. Specifically you didn't expand upon the story in any meaningful way. You simply continued the combat started by your opponent and ended it in a very one-sided manner that was somewhat boring to read. I know you can do better! I'd like to see you apply yourself more in future matches. Rationale: See my comments to the individual posts. Your descriptions of the action and environment were excellent but the conflict you set up was very pedestrian and didn't grab my interest as a reader. I like how you flipped the script by making the light sider the aggressor but you could have done so much more to bring your plot up to the level of your action. Your dialogue could also use some work, it was cringe-inducing in some places (as in it was somewhat corny). In future matches try to refine how you depict your character's aggressive tendencies without being overly cliche in her dialogue.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: You had the minor detractor with the real life profanity. There were a few close calls in the realism area. See my story comments to both posts.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had one minor continuity error in your first post. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Adept Xantros's Score: 3.45 Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.8
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On the planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws; cracks formed through thousands of years. Glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, racing and scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for a millennia, the value in this chamber once sparked an entire battle between the Galactic Republic and the Sith Empire. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

One of Alara’s favorite places to visit among her journeys in the universe was Ilum and its famous kyber crystal caves. The array of beautiful crystal as well as the peace that dwelled around always soothed her heart from whatever rage she may have been feeling. Perhaps it was due to the Force’s presence there, or the memories shared in this cave for Jedi and Sith long ago. Whatever it was, it drew Alara to the cave very often.

She had come across Ilum during her travels for her Battle Team Tacitus Athanasius and couldn’t help but stop by the caves on her way back to Judecca. The Mystic was now in her favorite spot, a pillar nearby the antechamber with a larger rock underneath it that quite often worked as a seat. The Aedile decided to devote some time to meditation among the crystals that surrounded her. In her heart, her Sephi-Human blood pulsed excitedly as if to keep rhythm to the song the cave sang in her pointed ears. It was a melody Alara and the Force shared in her mind.

A sound from the exit of the cave caught the Sephi’s attention. Her amber eyes flashed open as they peered over every corner she had memorized so well. She got up with a start and hung her body close to the floor, like a tusked cat ready to pounce on her nearby prey. The she-Marauder kept her breath very still.

After a few breaths, Alara’s heightened senses spotted the stranger come down the main pathway, opposite to the antechamber. His blonde hair made it easy to see him among the violet-sapphire hues in the cave. His blue eyes also reflected the kyber crystals around him very well. However, the half-Sephi noticed that kyber crystals did not illuminate in his presence as they did for most Force Users. Further analysis of the stranger made the woman realize he also did not carry a saber, but instead had a blaster rifle and pistol clipped to his belt.

“Halt!” Alara shouted at the stranger, “Who are you? What is your business here?”

“Easy,” the stranger lifted his arms as a sign of his lack of desire for combat. “I mean you no harm unless you give me reason to. My name is Lithar Andaris. I’m a Weapons Specialist for the Brotherhood. Clan Odan Urr.”

“Ugh,” Alara rolled her eyes, “I’ll never understand why they let you Lighties in.”

“Do I dare assume you’re a Sith?” Lithar’s brow furrowed into a frown as a steady hand reached for one of his blasters.

“No, no Sith. I’m a Dark Jedi of the Brotherhood. Clan Scholae Palatinae.” Alara bestowed the Loyalist with her information.

“I see. You’re one of those ‘undecided’, then.” Lithar’s frow eased and turned into a teasing smile.

“Undecided? I think it’s wrong to fit something as powerful as the Force, which has created all things, into simply two categories: Light and Dark. Even this cave proves that there is the middle ground. The shades of darkness that still flirt with light. Grey is just a part of life like black and white is. I just happen to be a shade darker than most.” The Aedile crossed her arms, satisfied with her opinion’s summary.

“You give your opinion very easily on the subject; something I find odd when coming from a stranger.” Lithar stepped forward cautiously, watching Alara’s stance as if predicting what she might do next. This only infuriated Alara further. Her well known temper began to churn within her gut and heat up her chest.

“You’re the one who assumed my path, Lightie.” Alara growled under her breath.

“It also seems very easy to tempt your anger,” Lithar tsked. He crossed one arm over the other behind his back and began walking around the half-Sephi as if inspecting her. “Shame really. That could be a true weakness you know.”

“Watch it, Loyalist.” Alara warned, standing in place while tightening her fists,“It may be easy to make me angry, but rage is not my weakness; It’s my strength. A strength you don’t want to come to face.”

“And why would your rage ever scare me?” Lithar smiled coyly as he came face-to-face with her.

Alara’s eyes began to glow with fire-like anger as memories of what she went through because of Jedi filled her mind. Her brow tucked even closer to them while her jaw clenched with a tightness of spite and bitterness. “I’ve dealt with you Lighties before, and I’m not afraid to do it again. You think you’re so wise and all-knowing, yet you dive into trouble without even a second glance at your surroundings. What did you even come here for? To stir up problems for others? You obviously have no Force Power, so it can’t be a kyber crystal you came here for.”

“ENOUGH!” Lithar snapped loudly at the woman before him. “My reasons are my own as yours are to yourself. I don’t need your constant questions. Just get out of my way before things get ugly. You practically dirty the Way of the Force with the Dark vibes you give off.”

“I don’t need your insults, Sithspit.” Alara cussed at the blonde. “Go to your own part of the cave, so I may do what I came here to do. I arrived here first.”

“And what if I don’t?” Lithar grabbed the half-Sephi’s right arm suddenly and held it at shoulder height.

“Then I’ll be forced to remove you from this place myself.” Alara swung her left fist at the Loyalist and struck his jawbone with impact that staggered him backwards.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 March, 2017 3:04 AM UTC

Story

“I’ll never understand why they let you Lighties in.”

Neither did Pravus...that's why he burned New Tython, (This is just a joke and in no way affected your score)


Generally speaking, your descriptions of the environment and the confrontation dialogue were sound. You were heavy on dialogue but added enough emotes and descriptive language that the reader got a strong visual picture of what was going on. From a plot standpoint your reason for the conflict was rather average. I felt like there a missed opportunity there to create something more than a misunderstanding between a dark and light sider. Why was Lithar even there? That's a critical question that shouldn't be left open in the first post.

Lithar almost fell down on the crystal ground, when he got struck by the Dark Jedi. She was very strong and she had the Force at her command to assist her during combat. That was why, the Lieutenant Colonel hated fighting any kind of Force users. No matter of his extensive training in anti-Force users combat, they still had an upper hand over him, as he lacked the ability to use the Force at all.

Initially, the Human sent to Ilum to investigate deeper areas of the crystal caves was willing to let the Dark Jedi live and leave the planet unharmed. However, as she violently interrupted his mission and attacked him, he decided that she had to be killed. Her presence in the cave had not been planned by him, so the problem had to be fixed and the situation had to be arranged to match his original plan again.

He spat the blood that he had in his mouth out and grabbed his E-11 Blaster Rifle tighter. He carefully aimed at the Dark Jedi, who still did not activate her lightsaber, and shot two times at his enemy. However, Alara managed to turn a somersault backwards and avoid the blaster bolts, which missed her by several centimeters, when she was in the mid of the acrobatic move.

Lithar did not have anything more to tell his enemy, so he continued blaster fire. Still, he was far too slow to hit the Dark Jedi, who moved with speed that was beyond the maximum tempo of even the fastest professional runners in whole Galaxy. Alara covered the distance between her and the Human in less than two seconds, hitting him with her right fist into his stomach. The Lieutenant Colonel, shocked with the pain, let the air out of his lungs with groan and dropped his Blaster Rifle.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 March, 2017 4:33 AM UTC

Syntax

Still, he was far too slow to hit the Dark Jedi, who moved with speed that was beyond the maximum tempo of even the fastest professional runners in whole Galaxy.

You need a "the" in front of whole.

let the air out of his lungs with groan and dropped his Blaster Rifle.

This should read "with a groan"

Story

You post was technically proficient from a story standpoint in that you kept the the combat going that you opponent started at the very end of the opening post. However, you still left key details out like why Lithar was on the planet in the first place. Also, while less can be more, as I've said in a previous judgment of yours, your brevity ultimately cuts against you because you just aren't doing much in the post. Some blows are exchanged but the story doesn't move forward or expand in any meaningful way.

Continuity

However, as she violently interrupted his mission and attacked him

Read the opening post again. Lithar actually grabbed her first and she defended herself. If anything, he attacked her. He most certainly confronted her instead of her interrupting him.

Alara allowed herself to snicker, but she knew the fight wasn’t over yet. The Loyalist still had his blaster pistol strapped to his belt. The Human managed to catch his footing and steady his posture.

“Look here, bitch.” Lithar spat to the ground once more, “You’re going to be sorry you ever did that.”

“Oh really? Right now I’m quite enjoying that I did.” Alara grinned maliciously while she traced her right boot into the cave dirt.

Without a word, the Lieutenant Colonel pulled his gun from its belt and fired at the Mystic. Alara effortlessly cartwheeled away from harm and headed towards a nearby cavern wall to the left. With a quick thrust from the wall , the half-Sephi leapt over the Loyalist’s continuing fire and landed gave him another swift kick to the shoulder. Lithar fell to the ground with a holler and did his best to aim properly despite his pain. The Human managed to shoot at just the right time while Alara hopped around him and hit her heel. Alara yelled out in pain, instantly falling to her knees.

Oh come on Alara! Let’s just get this over with! She thought to herself. The pain from her heel began to crawl up her calf with reverberating throbbing that echoed in her pointed ears. Alara grabbed a nearby rock and chucked it towards Lithar. It hit him in the leg, but only caused him to grunt and chuckle for but a moment.

“There we go, that’s more like it.” The Loyalist smiled. He stood up and peered over the half-Sephi’s curved figure. He aimed his blaster pistol right at the woman’s head and shot.

Crash!

Alara’s yellow saber, now ignited, caught the blast just in time. Alara’s fiery eyes flickered excitedly upon the realization that the battle was back in her hands. Astounded, the Lieutenant Colonel shot again, only to have his fire stopped once more. His face contorted into a raging look as he began to fire more and more towards the Sephi. The Mystic called upon the Force and exhaled deeply as the speed in her deflecting hits was heightened. She carefully stood up from the ground, still blocking the continual firing, and stepped towards the Loyalist.

“See here Lightie. I’ll give you one chance: run away now and keep the peace, or welcome yourself further into my dirty ways of the Force.” Alara sneered and ignited her other saber.

Lithar spat towards the ground at her feet. His chest lifted quickly with pants of frustration.

“You sure like spitting.” Alara chuckled.

With a growl and a shake of his head, the Lieutenant Colonel dropped his weapon and lifted his hands.

“There we go. That’s better.” Alara deactivated her yellow sabers and clipped them back to her belt. Before she could turn her sharp chiseled face to glance at the man, he jumped towards her and tackled her down to the ground.

Alara let out a loud growl at both the pain and the Human’s pettiness and wrestled to get his arms off of her. The Lightie let out a hearty laugh as is his muscles tensed even harder over the half-Sephi’s arms. He placed one forearm against her chest and began to give blow after blow to Alara’s face. With each groan and wince, Alara seemed to grow more and more furious. Her eyes practically glowed with a fiery passion. With a roar, the Mystic threw the Lieutenant Colonel off of her and stood up at the same time. She grabbed him by the collar, slammed him against the wall, spat pooled blood from her mouth onto the ground, and punched him across the face with all her strength. The man welped under her hands growing bloodier and bloodier as the hits kept coming. Channeling the Force, Alara gave him jab after jab at his stomach, lungs, face, and groin. With augmented strength, Alara thrusted her arm into the human’s chest, slicing her hands with bone as she continued. The screams and shrieks coming out of the Lightie only urged her onwards to finishing the job. She grasped hold of his vigorously beating heart and tore it from its place. The shell of the man fell before her feet instantly. Alara couldn’t help but smile as she spied his gaping blue eyes, still in shock, on his face.

“And that is why you don’t mess with the Dark Jedi.” Alara chuckled roguishly. “There is definitely more black to us than white.”

Alara shoved the corpse over with her foot and wiped Lithar’s blood off of her hands and onto his blonde head. She dipped her hand in a nearby puddle to wash it completely, and then moved over to grab her lightsabers that were still waiting for her on the cavern ground and clip them back to her belt. She took a look at the scene around her once more to take in all the Force had left behind for her to remember. It seemed as though the kyber crystals deeply imbedded with rock almost sizzled a rather interesting shade of red. Was it due to the blood that was spilled too closely nearby? The half-Sephi couldn’t be sure. What she was sure of, however, is that a fire awakened in her spirit once more. She left the scene with a joyful, maniacal glee that evidently twitched the muscles on her face into concise, horrifyingly beautiful features.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 March, 2017 1:03 AM UTC

Syntax

She grabbed him by the collar, slammed him against the wall, spat pooled blood from her mouth onto the ground,

Spat should be spit

Story

Let me first start off by saying your descriptions of the combat were outstanding. I didn't agree with everything you did and almost dropped a major realism error for the heart grabbing thing but overall good job on the combat. The staff as a whole decided against the realism error. While you did little to expand upon the why of the fight beyond "I'm dark, you're light, let's fight," you introduced some interesting elements like Alara giving Lithar multiple chances to back down. Now, the multiple chances to back down thing almost seemed like a violation of Alara's "Berserker" aspect and doesn't seem to be clearly supported by Lithar's aspects but there was enough gray area there that it worked. It flipped the expectations of the reader by making the "lightie" the aggressor which was a nice touch.

I personally didn't care for the Mortal Kombat style execution, but others differ. I have to give you story credit for taking the risk and giving a clear and memorable resolution to the conflict. So overall it helped your score.

Realism

“Look here, bitch.” Lithar spat to the ground once more

Real life profanity is a minor realism error. Star Wars has its own in-universe profanity. In the future try to use those.

Another strike from the Dark Jedi made Lithar lose the balance. He fell on the crystaline ground of the cave with another moan of pain. He shook his head and tried to reach his blaster lying near him, but he heard that his enemy kicked the weapon away. The Lieutenant Colonel cursed, as nothing went as he had planned it and without his weapon, he was no match to the Dark Jedi at all.

The Sephi did waste the opportunity to get rid of his enemy. She kicked him in his jaw with strength increased by her rage, when he was trying to stand up from the ground, breaking it and making most of human's teeth fall out. Lithar Andaris fell on the ground unable even to scream, as his mouth was full of blood and he was completely overwhelmed by the pain that he felt. He could do nothing more, but to lie and shake in an uncontrolled way.

Alara walked to her enemy and looked at him. Her face expressed anger and contempt only. The Loyalist did not deserve her attention anymore and she could have left him in the cave to let him die alone, but he interrupted her and she wanted to kill him personally. She stomped on his stomach and chest powerfully few times, breaking his ribs. The man tried to scream in pain, but he lacked air in his lungs and he only managed to make a dull sound of wheezing. He curled up with difficulties.

The Dark Jedi focused her anger and hatred towards the followers of the light side and few seconds later a single lighthing bolt came from her hand and hit Lithar at his face burning the skin down and making him scream in agony despite broken ribs. Few seconds later, his heart gave up and the Lieutenant Colonel died with last short scream.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 March, 2017 1:14 AM UTC

Syntax

breaking it and making most of human's teeth fall out.

The human's teeth.

Story

This post was very one-sided and ended abruptly. While you technically resolved the conflict it was not a very compelling read. The action, albeit short, was adequately described and as a reader I was left wanting more of it.