Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter vs. Knight Kylex

Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter

Equite, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Knight Kylex

Journeyman, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

This was a pretty straightforward “non-lethal” duel between a pair of warrior teammates. The details of combat techniques were well written, and I appreciated the presence of logic and a bit of inner thought. A further exploration of emotion could really add depth. What is their relationship like? How do they feel about each other? Not just in relation to positions or “that look in their eye,” but as living, breathing beings? Where is the agony of the Dark Side? To have such power - the power of kicking the amount of behind these two did - does not come without a price. Show us more of that sacrifice.

I could follow all of the writing for the most part, but there were numerous syntax errors which interrupted my reading of the story. I really think that extra proofers will do a lot for scores in the ACC for each of you, as well as continue to expose you to criticism. The bravery developed from this will only enable you to bare the hearts and souls of your characters to a greater degree.

Kylex showed his considerable strength, and Shadow saw enough for the day. Please do come back, and explain to us what it was she was looking for. I want in on her scheming! Good job you two!

All factors considered, this one goes to Shadow!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter, Knight Kylex
Winner Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter's Weapons CS standard loadout without sniper rifle. (Legacy)
Knight Kylex's Weapons Loadout: mission kylex (Legacy)
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 4 April, 2017 5:40 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Mystic Cor-Hatha Vow
Syntax - 15%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Multiple syntax errors, missing words, and at least one run-on sentence. Refer to comments. Rationale: Repetitive language and various other syntax errors. Refer to comments.
Story - 40%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A good idea and solid basic story, but not developed enough to make it unique. Rationale: A good idea and solid basic story, but not developed enough to make it unique.
Realism - 25%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No errors found by the judge. Rationale: One major realism detractor. Refer to comments.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found by the judge. Rationale: No errors found by the judge.
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter's Score: 3.9 Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.25
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

Dathomir. The once great planet belonging to the powerful Nightsisters, now all but a shell of its former self. The constant red glow of the sky was Hypnotic, mesmerising a Sith, who walked alone through the crooked trees that peppered the landscape. Kylex trudged through the thick landscape, powering his way into the jungle of dead trees, fog, and man eating creatures. He looked around, admiring the beautiful landscape that surrounded him. The large trees stretched on for eternity, each one telling a different story of the planet’s past. He looked into the sky, the crimson tinge that coated the planet reflected deep in his eyes, that lay behind the Mandalorian helmet that he adorns on every mission. Suddenly, the Knight paused his advance, craning his neck over, listening carefully. He heard a voice whispering through the trees, early worming its way into Kylex’s ear.

”Death comes for you.” said the voice. ”You will die!” The Sith laughed, turning towards the voice and yelling.

“I’ve got enough voices up in here as it is, buzz off!” shouted Kylex, tapping his helmet. The disembodied voice ceased, and he continued marching forward. Unbeknownst to the Sith, he was being silently stalked from the trees, by a force of fear and terror. He walked into a large clearing in the swamp, noting several large foot prints headed in one direction out of the clearing. The soil was damp and murky, red grass waved lazily in the wind.

“Rancors must live near here… hope I don’t run into one.” he muttered. Kylex’s hairs stood on end, as if someone was watching him quietly from the treeline. Quickly, the Knight grabbed his lightsaber, igniting the crimson blade and pointing it towards the trees.

“Who’s there? Come out now or die!” he yelled, his voice echoing throughout the forest. All was quiet, aside the hum from his lightsaber. The red blade blended in with the surroundings, and the glow reverberated within the Sith’s deep purple eyes.

STCHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The sudden sound of twin lightsabers igniting sent Kylex’s senses into overdrive. The Sith’s eyes darted all around his field of vision, trying to locate the enemy. He looked into the treeline, and spotted a figure summersault into sight, a red and white blade held by the figure told Kylex who he was dealing with. A slender feminine figure landed in the grass around six meters from the Sith, even in the low light, he knew that face. The pale skin complexion, yellow eyes and brown hair, all the features of Shadow Nighthunter.

“Oh, so it’s you boss.” said Kylex, slightly lowering his blade. “Why’d you call me out here?”

“I wish to test your strength, Mandalorian.” replied Shadow smugly. “Prepare yourself.”

“You could at least take me out to dinner first.” he jokingly replied, raising his lightsaber above his head, angling the blade down behind him. “Come at me!”

Mystic Cor-Hatha Vow, 15 April, 2017 1:56 AM UTC

Syntax

Your opening paragraph had the potential to really enrich the setting and provide a great backdrop, but you didn’t take the time to develop it carefully. The first issue is that you capitalized “Hypnotic” in the middle of a sentence for no reason. Secondly, the words “planet,” “trees,” “landscape,” and “sky” were used over and over again. You don’t want to keep providing the same information with the same words. Descriptions become really interesting and textured through the use of varied language. Take more time to paint the scene with your words, and get extra proofers to give you feedback on it.

Dathomir. The once great planet belonging to the powerful Nightsisters, now all but a shell of its former self. The constant red glow of the sky was Hypnotic, mesmerising a Sith, who walked alone through the crooked trees that peppered the landscape. Kylex trudged through the thick landscape, powering his way into the jungle of dead trees, fog, and man eating creatures. He looked around, admiring the beautiful landscape that surrounded him. The large trees stretched on for eternity, each one telling a different story of the planet’s past. He looked into the sky, the crimson tinge that coated the planet reflected deep in his eyes, that lay behind the Mandalorian helmet that he adorns on every mission. Suddenly, the Knight paused his advance, craning his neck over, listening carefully. He heard a voice whispering through the trees, early worming its way into Kylex’s ear.

"Adorn" does not mean "to wear." Adorning something means you are decorating or embellishing it.

He looked into the sky, the crimson tinge that coated the planet reflected deep in his eyes, that lay behind the Mandalorian helmet that he adorns on every mission.

Did you mean "eerily?" Early doesn't fit here.

He heard a voice whispering through the trees, early worming its way into Kylex’s ear.

There needs to be a paragraph break between the dialogue, which comes from another source, and the sentence about the laughing Sith, who is Kylex. The sources of information are different, but are paired so closely here that it is not immediately obvious what is going on. For example:

”Death comes for you,” said the voice. ”You will die!”

The Sith laughed, turning towards the voice and yelling.

Death comes for you.” said the voice. ”You will die!” The Sith laughed, turning towards the voice and yelling.

A simple description, but a potent one. Be direct like this. Dense and colorful. Good job.

The soil was damp and murky, red grass waved lazily in the wind.

Onomatopoeias/sound effects require either quotations or italics. Just choose one and keep formatting consistent!

STCHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Figure" x 3 in two sentences. This language is repetitive, and you will hook more readers by using varied, colorful language. Don’t be afraid to get creative with describing things.

He looked into the treeline, and spotted a figure summersault into sight, a red and white blade held by the figure told Kylex who he was dealing with. A slender feminine figure landed in the grass around six meters from the Sith, even in the low light, he knew that face.

Shadow twirled her sabers in her hands, letting the momentum generated from her fingers flow into the rest of her body before she charged and lashed out at the tall Mandalorian with her white-bladed lightsaber. Before Kylex could strike it down with her own, she withdrew her weapon and twisted to his left side. She struck with a downward slice towards his shoulder. The Knight pivoted on his left foot and countered her attack with an upward arch before twisting his wrists to slice downward diagonally-left at her exposed torso. The Battlemaster had seen the maneuver coming, and left-wielded red blade upward instinctively before twisting to his right. The half-Sephi landed with her back against his before rolling off, contorting her body with her sabers following suit while she swung them upward at his neck.

Kylex managed to lean back to avoid the attack, the Equite’s blades missing their mark as the man stepped back. Recovering from Shadow’s swift maneuver, he quickly began to strike ferociously and quickly with his crimson lightsaber. Shadow parried his blows as she struck back at his attack alternately with her own weapons. At one point, she crossed her blades and caught his lightsaber in the middle of a downward cut. The strength behind his strike was powerful, and the woman couldn’t help but grin as she gazed at him with her glowing eyes.

“You impress me, Kylex. I definitely have no regrets in making you my second in Tacitus Athanasius,” she remarked. “Your strength is true, and your powerful is great. However, I know you’re holding back.”

The Sith woman leapt back, releasing his blade from hers. The Shadow Wolf spun her lightsabers by her head before crossing them downward in front. “Show me what you’re truly capable of. Give me a taste of your might.”

And I’ll give you a taste of true darkness...

Mystic Cor-Hatha Vow, 15 April, 2017 1:57 AM UTC

Syntax

Use commas to break up information, and prevent run-on sentences.

The Knight pivoted on his left foot and countered her attack with an upward arch before twisting his wrists to slice downward diagonally-left at her exposed torso.

I think I know what you were going for, but the words are missing, leaving it confusing.

The Battlemaster had seen the maneuver coming, and left-wielded red blade upward instinctively before twisting to his right.

Using the same adjective twice in one sentence to describe the same thing is repetitive. Probably just an oversight, but extra proofers can help.

...he quickly began to strike ferociously and quickly with his crimson lightsaber.

Do you mean "power?"

“Your strength is true, and your powerful is great.”

The small clearing had become an ritualistic area of sorts for the two Sith, a battleground for Kylex to prove his ability by the blade, and by the Force.

“Are you sure you want me to go all out?” Kylex said, tilting his head in curiousity. The Battlemaster’s look was all the confirmation he needed. “Very well, I won't need this then.” The Knight pulled the Mandalorian helmet off, and tossed it aside onto a small patch of grass.

Shadow smirked, quickly jumping forward and bringing her blades down in a cross slash attack. Kylex raised his own blade, catching the two across the horizontal axis. The two stood with their blades locked, the superior might of the Knight pressing against the more skilled blades of the Battlemaster. Shadow grinned, kicking out at Kylex’s right with a solid whack. The Sith winced, but his cocksure grin didn’t fade.

“Impressive.” said the half-sephi, double stepping backwards and then launching forward with a spinning slash with both her sabers. Kylex ducked, dropping onto his knees and punching out at the Battlemaster’s right knee. The hit connected, sending pain coursing throughout Shadow’s leg as she landed. Kylex leapt to his feet, raising his blade above his head and angling it down to the ground behind him, before slashing wildly at Shadow. She grinned, catching his blade with her own, then quickly rotating the blades as the red blade sliced cleanly through the Knight’s cybernetic, just below the wrist. The hand and saber both dropped to the ground, landing in the mud. Kylex looked down at the hand, his hair obstructing his eyes from view, but Shadow knew that he was upset. The Juggernaut looked at the Battlemaster through the parting of his fringe, the purple colour of his eyes changing, turning a bright yellow and red, not unalike Shadow’s own eyes.

“I told you not to hold back.” she smirked.

“Trust me. I won’t now.” he growled.

Kylex glared at Shadow, as pure anger overflowed from within him, his eyes now shimmered yellow, an event that has not happened for a long time. Rain began to drop from the sky, splashing around the two Sith, each droplet that hit Shadow’s lightsabers instantly evaporating with a sizzle. The stub of Kylex’s hand sparked as he raised it up high, his eyes focused solely on Shadow, as he let the Force deliver a blow harder than he could.

“ORA!” yelled Kylex, sending an invisible fist flying towards Shadow, hitting her square in the chest, sending her reeling back from the impact. The Mandalorian raised his left arm, once again sending a Dark Side fueled cross punch directly at his Battle Team leader, all the while yelling the phrase Ora with each strike.

Three, four, five, six, each strike weakening him, but he did not care, it was only when he found himself lying face down in the mud did his battle high come down. Darkness quickly rolled in, clouding his vision, and he passed out. Shadow got up, coughing and spluttering blood from the near fatal onslaught. She hobbled over to her Second, sitting down beside him as it continued to rain. The Sith’s eyes gazed into the heavens, and she smiled.

“You impressed me Kylex, but you have much to learn.”

Mystic Cor-Hatha Vow, 15 April, 2017 1:58 AM UTC

Syntax

"R" is not a vowel, so no need for "an" here.

The small clearing had become an ritualistic area of sorts for the two Sith

Minor, but "strike" might be better here. If a hit doesn't connect, it's not a hit.

The hit connected, sending pain coursing throughout Shadow’s leg as she landed.

Story

Be careful about crossing the line between inspiration and copying. "Ora!" is an obscure catchphrase that belongs quite obviously to a particular character. If you want one, it would be better to come up with your own. We are particular here about not allowing content from other sources to be closely copied.

“ORA!” yelled Kylex, sending an invisible fist flying towards Shadow, hitting her square in the chest, sending her reeling back from the impact. The Mandalorian raised his left arm, once again sending a Dark Side fueled cross punch directly at his Battle Team leader, all the while yelling the phrase Ora with each strike.

This was a great description, a moment I just really liked. Nice work.

Three, four, five, six, each strike weakening him, but he did not care, it was only when he found himself lying face down in the mud did his battle high come down. Darkness quickly rolled in, clouding his vision, and he passed out. Shadow got up, coughing and spluttering blood from the near fatal onslaught. She hobbled over to her Second, sitting down beside him as it continued to rain. The Sith’s eyes gazed into the heavens, and she smiled.

“You impressed me Kylex, but you have much to learn.”

Realism

“Upset?” He just got his hand chopped off. Kylex has Control Self at +2, Resolve at +3. You cannot just ignore the loss of a limb. As explained in the ACC Guide and Qual exam, the loss of a limb is match ending. Entering a berserker fury and fighting back (even if it’s futile) after such trauma is a major realism detractor.

The hand and saber both dropped to the ground, landing in the mud. Kylex looked down at the hand, his hair obstructing his eyes from view, but Shadow knew that he was upset.

Shadow was right about Kylex having been holding back his true strength. It was only seconds after she had spoken that the taller Mandalorian charged at her. Giving it his all, he swung his crimson blade in an upward arc of plasma towards the half-Sephi’s mid-section. The battle team leader quickly twisted out of the way, only to barely escape a side-swipe from the determined Sergeant. The man’s attack was followed by another violent swing downward, of which Shadow caught mid-way with crossed blades.

It was then that Kylex took advantage and forced her blades to the side. With a clear shot to her face, the white-haired Sith swung for her jaw with his cybernetic arm. Having just barely seen the attack coming from the corner of her eye, Shadow manage to duck in time while pulling her lightsabers from the locked-cross. With that, she lashed out with her sabers towards his legs. As expected, the man had jumped up, bringing his knees towards his chest to clear his legs from the red and white blades.He landed back on his feet the moment Shadow withdrew from the attack and leapt back. She glared at him, and before he knew it, growing strands of darkness swirled around him until the swamp and Shadow were out of sight.

“Seriously, Shadow, do you think a little darkness is going to stop me?” he asked in amusement. “I can still sense you.”

“Oh I know you can,” she said in return as she circled him. “And you’ll be ready to counter me when I attack. Let’s see how fast you really are.”

Finding the perfect angle to strike from, Shadow struck at him as the darkness dissipated. As expected, Kylex’s blade met her own red one, but so did her the hilt of her other weapon as she pummeled his cheek. With her body exposed, the Knight kneed her in the gut as hard as she could, sending her stumbling backwards with the air was knocked out of her.

“That tickled,” the Mandalorian remarked jokingly, not even paying heed to the blow on his face. “I was expecting a bit more from you.”

Shadow narrowed her eyes, refusing to show any emotion. As much as she tried, reading Kylex was hard, which made him a formidable opponent. When she had chosen him as her second, it was because of a spark in his eyes that had caught her attention. Indeed, he had been helpful in carrying out orders and helping to keep things in check, but Shadow still found him to be unpredictable. She had hoped that this fight would show her something, but it wasn’t bearing any fruit at all.

He is constantly keeping me guessing. He’s careful not to reveal anything, so waiting for him to make a mistake is risky. I can’t afford to mess up myself.

“Are we going to continue this or-” Kylex didn’t even get to finish as the sound of Shadow’s lightsabers being deactivated cut him off.

“You’ve won, Kylex.” Shadow said to his surprise. “Well fought. It seems I will not be besting you today.”

The Battlemaster then turned and walked away into the wilderness. Giving the fight to Kylex was a huge sacrifice of her pride. Rare was it for Shadow to walk away without having done some serious damage, but she had come to understand that it was because the Knight was unpredictable that he was strong. It was only fitting that the Shadow Wolf gave their battle an unpredictable ending.

Perhaps another time. For now, I've seen what I needed to see.

Mystic Cor-Hatha Vow, 15 April, 2017 2:00 AM UTC

Syntax

You identify both combatants as female, which makes this passage confusing.

With her body exposed, the Knight kneed her in the gut as hard as she could, sending her stumbling backwards with the air was knocked out of her.

Story

I liked seeing this use of the Darkness power. Cool idea.

He landed back on his feet the moment Shadow withdrew from the attack and leapt back. She glared at him, and before he knew it, growing strands of darkness swirled around him until the swamp and Shadow were out of sight.

There are several moments throughout the match where you describe Kylex's predictable or "expected" movements and behavior. Why is he so unpredictable now?

As much as she tried, reading Kylex was hard, which made him a formidable opponent...Shadow still found him to be unpredictable.

I like the idea of a mentor coming to test her protege, and then disappearing into the wilderness. Good way to end the match without only resorting to debilitating violence. This leaves room for another “surprise evaluation.” A provocative idea and setup. I hope you use it.

The Battlemaster then turned and walked away into the wilderness. Giving the fight to Kylex was a huge sacrifice of her pride. Rare was it for Shadow to walk away without having done some serious damage, but she had come to understand that it was because the Knight was unpredictable that he was strong. It was only fitting that the Shadow Wolf gave their battle an unpredictable ending.

Perhaps another time. For now, I've seen what I needed to see.