Knight Talis DeMorte vs. Savant Kelly Mendes

Knight Talis DeMorte

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Savant Kelly Mendes

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

Kelly, this was a good fight for you overall. Your syntax was good with a few things to work on and you had some great story additions. I particularly liked your first post and how you set the stage. One note though, your story at times lacked actual fighting so try to incorporate that more. Fortunately for you, the rest of your story points made up for this part of your story. Unfortunately, you had at least one major realism hit, but everything else looks pretty good. Well done. I enjoyed reading your posts.

Talis, your syntax was okay but I'd take a look at my comments. You struggled with realism in this match so I'd take a closer look at the ACC guide and get an extra proofer to at least skim the action parts. Now, my favorite portions of your posts were the story itself. You did a great job pulling in the venue, including plenty of fighting, and driving the story forward. Just look at my story note in your second post because that hurt you. Overall though, I enjoyed reading your posts and the story you created. Well done.

With the scores tallied, the clear winner is Kelly Mendes. This is a good example of how important Realism can be in an ACC match.

Till next time!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Talis DeMorte, Savant Kelly Mendes
Winner Savant Kelly Mendes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Talis DeMorte's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Refugee Sector
Last Post 1 April, 2017 11:58 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Pretty good, but see my notes about run-on sentences. Otherwise nicely done. Rationale: Needs more a proof. Hyphens and commas need some extra focus.
Story - 40%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Your fight stood out as unique and gave me a reason to read it. You provided context and motivations, a resolution, and pulled in the venue. Unfortunately, there was not a lot of action in either of your posts, but the strength of your story brought this back up from what was going to be a 3. A good example of what a good story can do for you. Rationale: The story could have been a 4, but per the dings mentioned in my comments it gets knocked down to a 3. The worst offense is the intervention by the NPC. But, you did a good job adding to the story and bringing the venue into play, which saved your story score.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 3 Score: 1
Rationale: You had one major realism hit in your final post. See my comments above. Rationale: There were two minor and two major realism hits. The majors really hurt you. See my comments above.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Neza-Rem Zarabi
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.95 Neza-Rem Zarabi's Score: 2.9
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

A cesspool of the downtrodden, the Refugee Sector on Nar Shaddaa is home to both the unfortunate and criminals alike. Offering their protection for credits, the criminal organizations that control the sector tax the populace outrageous sums. Unable to provide these fees, refugees are forced to work under hazardous conditions producing glitterstim and adrenals for their overseers. Some of these refugees are addicted to the substances themselves—for which the cartels increase the price of their tithes in exchange for a share of the product.

Crammed with stalls and makeshift hovels, several of the sector’s inhabitants find refuge on the streets and in the alleyways. Those who managed to avoid the dangers of drug production can be found selling their limited and often defective goods to others. Behind these stalls a selective stock of black market wares is hidden, reserved for mercenaries and thugs.

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

Littered with garbage, it is obvious that no maintenance droids have been programmed to maintain the sector. The surrounding towers have fallen into decay, bits of debris falling every so often into the middle of the street. The duracrete streets are covered in a film of filth and chemicals from the abandoned warehouses, making movement cumbersome when traveling through the most inhabited areas.

Patrols armed with blasters and vibroswords come through these areas regularly, making a show of force to advertise the merits of their ‘protection’ while extorting the occasional shopkeeper. Screams and shouts are a common enough sound, which is never in the refugees’ best interests to interfere in.

Nar Shaddaa was a far cry from Aliso, but if Plagueis were to develop their planet, they’d need citizens. This was the reason Kelly Mendes found herself in one of the poorer districts of Nar Shaddaa; she could offer a new life away from the Hutts and ensure their escape if necessary. She looked around, Nar Shaddaa was a more corrupt version of what she hoped Aliso City would become. Her hopes were that it could exist peacefully and provide an economy from which Plagueis would massively benefit, though not to the extent that Sith or Dark Jedi would have to go around collecting protection money.

The glowing lights and loud sounds could provide a sensory overload if one were not used to such things, the war on Florrum had ensured Kelly was no stranger to either. She had been the one to doubt the intentions of Crandl Lorne before he had the chance to turn on them and allowed the Plagueian fleet to be destroyed. Odan-Urr were a useful distraction in Lorne’s plan and had allowed him to infiltrate the Ascendant Clan, the woman who had been dubbed the Demon of Florrum by a Jedi hadn’t forgotten the role played by the most famous Clan of Light. There were unconfirmed reports of an Odanite on the planet, a chance to inflict pain upon those who went against everything she stood for was just too sweet to pass up.

“Excuse me, gentlemen, would you be interested in a way off this cesspit? A chance to start again on a new world, as part of a thriving community? Then the planet of Aliso may be for you.” Kelly made her pitch to a small group of men wearing coveralls, seemingly workers, just the kind of oppressed people who could be used to further Plagueis’ world building ambitions. The men walked away, the Seeker desperately trying to contain her frustration, she was offering these people a chance to mean something and they were ignoring her.

Kelly saw one of the men talking to what appeared to be one of the many patrols that made sure the Hutts’ got their credits and ensured reasonable conditions, by Nar Shaddaa standards at least. It was time to move, out in the open she couldn’t risk exposing herself and stood out like a sore thumb due to her two lightsabers on her hips. The Plagueian dove into a small crowd that was heading away from the patrol, who had since started to move in her direction. If it weren't possible to lose them then drawing them into a quieter location would have to do. Kelly managed to walk with the group for a few minutes before it began to separate.

Veering off to her left, the Seeker found a relatively quiet spot. It would have to do, with her back quite literally against the wall, she waited. After a few short moments, a Twi’lek entered the alley; he seemed calm, ignorant of what could await him. He gestured for Kelly to come closer, she refused. He motioned to her again; her feet didn’t move. Finally, the alien gave in and decided to approach her, stopping at a distance just outside lightsaber range. He looked puzzled by the Human, unsure why she was so noncompliant.

“Here, you might want to take these.” Kelly threw a small bag of credits to the patrol leader. He opened the bag and looked inside, they were certainly credits alright, but what did she want for them? He didn’t have to wait to find out as the Savant continued. “I hear there’s a Jedi on this world, bring them to me, and I’ll make sure they don’t interfere with any Cartel business.” Deciding to play it safe, the Twi’lek nodded and got on his comm unit, letting his men to report any potential Jedi sightings and to lure them to a new location. Thus the chase was on, and the trap was set.

Talis DeMorte saw the vibrant colours around him allowing to navigate despite his lack of common sight, not that he had ever seen the world as most other sentients do. He was on a mission to garner support for the refugees and see if he could find any individuals with enough Force potential to be recruited. At least that was the official mission; secretly he was to track down a member of Plagueis who had also been sent to the moon. He dreaded to think what the enemies turned extremely reluctant allies in the fight against Pravus were planning.

The Miraluka sensed an individual with a greater aptitude for the Force than his own was nearby, it was a dark presence, one to watch out for so to speak. However, before the Knight could get near his target, who was probably the mystery Plagueian, he was stopped by what passed for local security in these parts. Deciding it would be best to cooperate with them if only to try and gain some extra knowledge. He wasn’t roughed up at all, the lightsaber out in the open put any fears of that to rest. Instead, he politely followed the men who led him straight to the source of power he had sensed moments ago.

“You may leave us now; I can handle things from here.” The Savant kept an eye on the group, who had all come to see the Jedi, as she told them to leave. The majority dispersed, though there were a few who hung around to see the confrontation. The area was dimly lit, relatively open with plenty of space to move into, it could suit whoever was willing to take chances. Kelly felt comfortable with an audience; she was always observed in training by hopefuls. The Odanite displayed no signs of comfort or discomfort on his face, mainly owing to the white cloth wrapped around his eyes. The short, close-cut hairstyle appeared rigid as if it was military in origin. His chosen apparel was a set of old Mark II Clone Armour with an urban design covering it.

Kelly presented a different image, her emerald eyes and pale skin stood out in the darkness. While her long, flowing brunette hair dangled down her back and contrasted with the bright lights of the locale. The Dark Jedi made the first move, an orange blade emerging from an elegantly designed cobalt hilt. Talis followed suit, though his blade was almost an amethyst purple, while the hilt was adorned with dressings that appeared to be a darker shade of purple.

Seeking a quick end to the confrontation, Talis stood with his body motionlessly staying in front of his opponent. Then, with a remarkable speed some may consider unnatural, he leapt into the air in the direction of his foe. Kelly was able to easily, even getting down to a knee to mock the pitiful attempt from her opponent. She returned to her feet and spun her weapon around until her hand was wrapped around the hilt, just above the pommel and the blade was facing to her rear. Her right hand was extended forwards, and in a taunting fashion, her fingers moved towards her, as if beckoning the Gray Jedi to advance. That wasn’t how he rolled, however, using Ataru was just one of many factors that meant he preferred a rest between engagements. He stood opposite her, contemplating his next move.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 9 April, 2017 5:32 PM UTC

Syntax

The previous word didn’t make sense. Did you mean the word ‘telling’?

Deciding to play it safe, the Twi’lek nodded and got on his comm unit, [telling] his men to report any potential Jedi sightings and to lure them to a new location. Thus the chase was on, and the trap was set.

A tense change is needed if this sentence is to stand alone. Without any changes, it comes off as a dependent clause.

[He decided] it would be best to cooperate with them if only to try and gain some extra knowledge.

You lost me after ‘easily’, though I assume you meant [dodge it]. I don’t know exactly what you meant, but this is a syntax hit nonetheless as it is missing an action verb for the sentence to make sense.

Kelly was able to easily, even getting down to a knee to mock the pitiful attempt from her opponent.

Run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up. As a general toolset, periods and commas with coordinating conjunctions work to fix this.

The men walked away, the Seeker desperately trying to contain her frustration[.] [S]he was offering these people a chance to mean something and they were ignoring her.

The area was dimly lit, relatively open with plenty of space to move into, [and] it could suit whoever was willing to take chances.

Story

Great intro. You tell me the why, where, how, and what of your mission on Nar Shaddaa. This sets the stage beautifully.

Nar Shaddaa was a far cry from Aliso, but if Plagueis were to develop their planet, they’d need citizens. This was the reason Kelly Mendes found herself in one of the poorer districts of Nar Shaddaa; she could offer a new life away from the Hutts and ensure their escape if necessary.

Nice description to kick it off. It even ties back into the story. I like it.

She looked around, Nar Shaddaa was a more corrupt version of what she hoped Aliso City would become. Her hopes were that it could exist peacefully and provide an economy from which Plagueis would massively benefit, though not to the extent that Sith or Dark Jedi would have to go around collecting protection money.

The glowing lights and loud sounds could provide a sensory overload if one were not used to such things, the war on Florrum had ensured Kelly was no stranger to either.

And now you tell me why your opponent is fighting. Good story addition.

He was on a mission to garner support for the refugees and see if he could find any individuals with enough Force potential to be recruited. At least that was the official mission; secretly he was to track down a member of Plagueis who had also been sent to the moon. He dreaded to think what the enemies turned extremely reluctant allies in the fight against Pravus were planning.

Nice setup of getting your opponent to the fight.

“I hear there’s a Jedi on this world, bring them to me, and I’ll make sure they don’t interfere with any Cartel business.” Deciding to play it safe, the Twi’lek nodded and got on his comm unit, letting his men to report any potential Jedi sightings and to lure them to a new location. Thus the chase was on, and the trap was set.

Talis relaxed his grip on his lightsaber. He turned his body slightly as he adjusted his footing, shifting his weight onto the balls of his feet. The Demon of Florrum adjusted her grip on her lightsaber by swiping hard towards the ground. The momentum slid her hand down to the end of its hilt where she gripped it tightly. Her feet slid into a widened stance and her weight shifted to her heels. Giving her superior leverage if it came to a contest of power and allowed her to move more defensively.

The Miralukan began going through scenarios in his head as he devised a scheme to take on the woman. Her style led Talis to believe that she was a defensive style fighter and would react accordingly. His initial attacks had not been to end the fight, but to gauge her skill and style of fighting and it had paid off.

With unnatural speed the Jedi bounded forward into a spinning slide. Bringing his orchid blade around hard, the Sentinel crashed his blade into the Sith’s tangerine colored blade. The combination of the collision and his lack of grounding allowed the Ataru adherent to adjust his overhand grip to and underhand grip and swing his hips around in opposite directions. The counter spin caused the human to swipe defensively down and back to her right, intersecting the rapid attack and deflecting it up as she ducked and and turned as she stepped to meet the whirling Knight. Her downward slash rent nothing but air as the Miralukan rolled away from her riposte. Talis came to a stop a few feet out of range of the woman's lightsaber.

With skillful ferocity, the armored Jedi acrobatically vaulted up and over the Plagueian. She seemed confused as Talis waded in at her with a continuous and accurate flurry of blows, his lavender blade dancing wildly and unpredictably about, causing her to continually move at odd angles and keep her guard up. She couldn't find any time to counter the consistently harassing attacks of the marauder before her. The dark brown hair now tousled from its neat flowing resting position she kept up her strong defense and waited for her opportunity.

A smell drifted up to the Equite's nose that caused her to bound away. Her adversary, sensing something was amiss, did not advance. He used the respite to formulate a new plan of action. He would have to keep his guard up though. He was not sure if the Seeker would press or if she would continue to fight defensively so he stayed out of her reach.

Kelly couldn't place the smell but she knew she had smelled it before. It was pungent and stronger than the refuse littering the area. She tossed a gaze at a small group of onlookers pointing in jest at her. They weren't looking or pointing directly at her but something on her. She quickly checked herself and didn't find anything amiss. She glared at the onlookers causing them to fall silent and then turned back to the grinning opponent across from her. She adjusted her stance this time by spreading her feet out and bringing her orange blade up high, parallel to the ground in her left hand and presented her right hand forward. That is when she saw the sharp line cut in her hair. It wasn't much but it was noticeable. She shot a glance around to the ground to see if it was anywhere to be seen.

“You looking for something miss?” the Odanite asked merrily. When she didn't reply to his question Talis produced a clump of hair in his right hand and tossed it out into the air between them. A flash of anger swept across the Dark Jedi's predatory green eyes.

“It's just hair,” the Sith barked back.

“That's what you say.” A smirk crested Talis' face. “But your emotions tell a different story.”

“What would a Jedi know of emotions?” Kelly spat back.

“I know how to control mine.” The Knight’s joking tone grated on the Equite's ears. “Also, I am not Jedi.”

“Then what are you?” Humor had returned to the woman's tone.

“Neither light or dark.” Talis replied, “I am a wielder of the Ashla and Bogan, last of the Luka Sene.”

“Wielder of what?” Confused humor permeated the reply.

“The light and the dark?” Talis replied confused, “you don't know the name of which you wield in the old tongue?”

“You talk too much.”

“And you are slaver scum,” replied the quick witted Jedi, “we all have our flaws.”

The Miralukan hadn't moved from his stance and was still holding his lightsaber out. He suddenly realized something and relaxed. He deactivated his lightsaber but kept the deactivated hilt in his hand.

“Let me guess.” The larger combatant began, “you are here to do some form of recruiting.” The Demon of Florrum did not take the Knight's bait.

“Before Odan Urr was unceremoniously split from the Brotherhood I was privy to some Intel about Clan Plagueis. I think the good folks you are trying to con should know who they are being conned by.”

“We are not trying to con.” Talis' upraised hand made subtle feelings of anger rise up in her.

“Clan Plagueis works with the Trandoshan slavers, infamously known as the Saraask'ar. Their entire clan is filled with Force sensitive individuals who find pleasure in enslaving their workers. They call their non-combat personnel the Subjugates, they are called this because they are subjected to procedures that are intended to reduce individuality, and to enforce subdued obedience.” Talis turned and looked back at his opponent. “That means no pay, no reality, just unfettered obedience to masters. They basically remove what makes sentient beings who they are. Then.”

“What does this accomplish?” the Equite interrupted.

“Give me a minute and you will see.” Talis turned back to the amassing group. “As I was saying, that's best case scenario with these people. Their Infantry is even more depraved. They are subjected to torture along with gene and drug therapies that warp the mind. Their brutal training and cybernetic enhancements make them fanatical machines of murder. But they are not people anymore. They have no dreams or values. No love for others. Their one purpose is to kill.” The Sentinel turned back to his opponent as she dropped her guard.

“What we do is for the good of the galaxy Jedi,” Kelly barked at him, “I wouldn't expect a weak minded lightsider like yourself to understand.”

“Again. I may be a Knight of the Jedi Order. But I am a practitioner of the middle. I believe in freedom. She believes in subjugation of all those who are not fluent in the dark side of the Force and murder of all else who oppose their ideals. Have any of you heard of the Wraiths of Plagueis? They are a group of snipers and infiltrators.” The Odanite turned back towards the Plagueian. “They are conditioned to feel jaded and to disregard the value of life. They are warped through procedures that create them. Their ability to love, and empathize are eradicated. They weaken their passion. They are the epitome of saddening. Men and women who cannot love. Who have no passion of anything to work towards. Just cold ruthless assassins who do their master's bidding.”

“And what is wrong with a military force that obeys all orders?”

“Everything is wrong with it!” Talis bellowed back at the woman silencing her. “When soldiers can't think for themselves they perform evil acts with no conscience. They enslave and take the freedoms of others. They are the lowest form of scum in the galaxy.”

“We do it so that we may build a better future for all.”

“Better future for all?” the Jedi’s glare was unseen but everyone knew it was there. “That's Bantha poodoo. How can you build a better future for all if your Clan is so intent on enslaving those who would benefit from a better future?” Talis' emotions began to run away from him as he continued berating the woman. “Freedom is the most beautiful expression of life and enslavement and subjugation are a cankerous sore that leads to conflict in this galaxy. Your need for self-aggrandizement is your biggest flaw and it is your strongest attribute to cover up your own insecurities. The Sith believe in the wild embodiment of emotion and feed off of negative feelings like those that are emitted by the people they enslave. The Jedi believe in the control of their emotions and the freedom of others.” Kelly scoffed mockingly at her naive opponent. “You may see me as inferior, that will be your downfall witch. You may not like my assessment but deep down you know what you are, an insecure coward.”

“Coward?”

“Yes,” Talis paused, “S-s-stut-tter, I did not.”

A long moment passed in silence as the Miralukan reigned in his emotions. Suddenly the hairs of the back of his neck stood on end. Without thinking his lightsaber's lavender blade erupted and deflected the orange blade. It deflected a stab, intended for his face, away from him. This gave him enough time to leap away from the Seeker.

“Did I strike a nerve?”

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 9 April, 2017 5:34 PM UTC

Syntax

This sentence was a dependent clause unless you changed the tense.

[This gave] her superior leverage if it came to a contest of power and allowed her to move more defensively.

Extra ‘and’ sneaked its way past proofing.

The counter spin caused the human to swipe defensively down and back to her right, intersecting the rapid attack and deflecting it up as she ducked and [] turned as she stepped to meet the whirling Knight.

Comma after an introductory phrase.

With unnatural speed[,] the Jedi bounded forward into a spinning slide.

Hyphen required between indicated words.

“And you are slaver scum,” replied the quick[-]witted Jedi, “we all have our flaws.”

Their entire clan is filled with Force[-]sensitive individuals who find pleasure in enslaving their workers.

“And you are slaver scum,” replied the quick[-]witted Jedi, “we all have our flaws.”

“What we do is for the good of the galaxy Jedi,” Kelly barked at him, “I wouldn't expect a weak[-]minded lightsider like yourself to understand.”

Missing the word ‘the’ before ‘subjugation. A determiner here makes a better sentence.

“Again. I may be a Knight of the Jedi Order. But I am a practitioner of the middle. I believe in freedom. She believes in [the] subjugation of all those who are not fluent in the dark side of the Force and murder of all else who oppose their ideals.

Wrong preposition. Use ‘on’ instead.

Suddenly the hairs [on] the back of his neck stood on end.

Incorrect word usage. I believe you meant [an] rather than ‘and’.

The combination of the collision and his lack of grounding allowed the Ataru adherent to adjust his overhand grip to [an] underhand grip and swing his hips around in opposite directions.

This sentence flows better commas separating the aside, rather than reading it all at once.

She glared at the onlookers[,] causing them to fall silent[,] and then turned back to the grinning opponent across from her.

Comma before ‘Jedi’ as she is addressing him by a title. Otherwise, it reads as ‘galaxy Jedi’, which sounds rather odd.

“What we do is for the good of the galaxy[,] Jedi,” Kelly barked at him, “I wouldn't expect a weak minded lightsider like yourself to understand.”

Comma before ‘silencing’

Talis bellowed back at the woman[,] silencing her.

Story

After pondering this bit of text for a good while along with the other judges, it is unclear exactly what you are trying to do here. At best, I am left to my best guess — which currently jumps to anime and the inhuman sasuke maneuver — as to what you are trying to portray, which leaves me with nothing to use for a concrete grading. As such, this is a hit to story. Further clarity is needed in future fight scenes.

With unnatural speed the Jedi bounded forward into a spinning slide. Bringing his orchid blade around hard, the Sentinel crashed his blade into the Sith’s tangerine colored blade. The combination of the collision and his lack of grounding allowed the Ataru adherent to adjust his overhand grip to and underhand grip and swing his hips around in opposite directions.

Nice use of your Miraluka: Sharing is Caring feat.

“That's what you say.” A smirk crested Talis' face. “But your emotions tell a different story.”

Realism

A hilt doesn’t deactivate. The lightsaber blade itself does.

He deactivated his lightsaber but kept the deactivated hilt in his hand.

Not a ding to your score, but your aspect ‘Didn’t Say Anything About That’ feat, says “Be it during a fight or life in general, moral compass means little to Talis DeMorte.”. This makes the below statement very confusing, but upon reading your specifics in the aspect it points to what seems to be your true intent. I’d highly recommend clarifying this aspect in future as the first line by itself makes it seem as if Talis is completely amoral.

“Everything is wrong with it!” Talis bellowed back at the woman silencing her. “When soldiers can't think for themselves they perform evil acts with no conscience. They enslave and take the freedoms of others. They are the lowest form of scum in the galaxy.”

“Better future for all?” the Jedi’s glare was unseen but everyone knew it was there. “That's Bantha poodoo. How can you build a better future for all if your Clan is so intent on enslaving those who would benefit from a better future?” Talis' emotions began to run away from him as he continued berating the woman.

“I’ve been called worse by better.” The Aedile of Ajunta Pall responded. She thought back to the confrontations with Kul’tak Drol, how close they had been and how much more they meant to her than her current encounter. The Demon took a menacing step forward before immediately pulling back. It was evident the pretentious fool expected her to lose her cool and just charge him. Her little gesture was a way to mockingly show that her opponent had way too much confidence in the impact of his words. That considered, either way, the coward was directing the flow of the battle, something she couldn’t allow to continue.

Slowly Kelly advanced, though capable of speed, it would do her no good here. Her lightsaber faced forward, acting as a gauge for the distance between her and Talis. She stopped a couple of lightsaber lengths short. The Human felt a smile spread across her lips, for whatever reason her opposition hadn’t moved at all. Then he leapt into the air with such speed he was coming down before she had the chance to adjust her lightsaber. Realising her weapon wouldn’t be ready in time, the Plagueian decided to back up slightly and allow her target to hit the ground while adjusting the positioning of her lightsaber.

“Maybe you aren’t as much of a wise guy as you thought, that or I’m just that kriffing good, I’ll let you decide you son of a blaster. As for these people, you’re wrong. I’m offering them a chance to escape their miserable lives and become citizens of the fastest growing planet in the galaxy. For one who claims to be about freedom, you’re rather oppressing them. If it’s as bad a choice as you claim, it isn’t I'm just offering up a hypothetical, give them the freedom to make it. Or is it all about control for the Jedi? Like when your number tried to assassinate the Supreme Chancellor in a bid to overthrow the Republic?” Kelly shouted, realising she had an audience and it would be in her best interests to use them.

“Typical lies from the Sith, she’d rather kill you than keep her word.” The Knight tried to salvage some positive feeling from the crowd, who didn’t know who to believe. The result was more a sense of confusion than any definitive decision. In effect, this meant Talis had at least half accomplished his cover mission, while Kelly had failed her primary mission and would have to make it up by defeating the Jedi. Selika wouldn’t accept total failure; she barely tolerated people as it was. There had to be a way to take out the bothersome Odanite; Kelly just had to figure out what that way was.

The battle so far had been an interesting one, the Miraluka often backing off to reassess the situation and catch his breath. Ataru was probably the form most demanding of the body, which didn’t help when he appeared to be losing performance just a little bit quicker than his adversary. It was evident she had been in long fights before; her style was designed to take her into such encounters on the regular. A focus on defence with sprinkles of offence when an opportunity presented itself would be how to describe the hybrid style employed by the woman occasionally known as the Demon of Florrum.

The Hutts were the key to a total victory. Talis wasn’t goody two shoes enough to avoid their influence. All Kelly had to do was ensure the Hutts would take the incapacitated Jedi in return for a small group of labourers. To achieve that however, she first needed to disable the Miraluka. Lightsabers weren’t getting the job done; she needed a fresh approach, perhaps the Force could lend a hand. Slowly pulling her right hand backwards, she felt a build up of power which she flung forward into the Odanite, sending him back a few meters, his feet left the ground, and he crashed to the floor. Kelly honed in, her confidence shown by the fact she deactivated her lightsaber on her approach. Instead, just as her opponent was beginning to stir, he collapsed under the force of Kelly’s lightsaber hilt being driven into his skull. The battle over, the Plagueian motioned to the enforcer who had brought the Jedi to her.

“Get in touch with your employers and have them take him, also let them know I’ll be taking this lot as payment for a live Jedi.” The Aedile of Ajunta Pall motioned to a small group numbering no more than seven. Kelly listened as the Hutt was brought up on the patrol leader’s holo and shown Talis’ prone body. The Hutt laughed and agreed to the terms. Looking over at Aliso’s newest citizens caused a smile to emerge on Kelly’s face. Talis would at least temporarily lose the freedom he had ranted about before. That was something deserving of a chuckle.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 9 April, 2017 5:35 PM UTC

Syntax

Run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up. As a general toolset, periods and commas with coordinating conjunctions work to fix this.

Slowly pulling her right hand backwards, she felt a build up of power which she flung forward into the Odanite, sending him back a few meters, his feet left the ground, and he crashed to the floor.

Slowly Kelly advanced[.] [T]hough capable of speed, it would do her no good here.

Story

Nice progression of story.

In effect, this meant Talis had at least half accomplished his cover mission, while Kelly had failed her primary mission and would have to make it up by defeating the Jedi. Selika wouldn’t accept total failure; she barely tolerated people as it was. There had to be a way to take out the bothersome Odanite; Kelly just had to figure out what that way was.

I am not clear as to what is happening here. Did she jump at him, rush him on foot? At best, I am left to my best guess as to what you are trying to portray, which leaves me with nothing to use for a concrete grading. In addition, if I put the ‘how’ she got there aside, it is a very anti-climatic ending. As such, this is a hit to story.

Kelly honed in, her confidence shown by the fact she deactivated her lightsaber on her approach. Instead, just as her opponent was beginning to stir, he collapsed under the force of Kelly’s lightsaber hilt being driven into his skull.

Realism

Talis has had some time to rest and his Precognition is at +2. “They can sense danger several heartbeats before it happens and effectively get out of the path of danger.” You state that Talis is just beginning to stir, but his danger sense should be yelling at him right now to MOVE. There are a few meters between you two, and as written your character waited until he crashed to the floor. It takes some time to reach Talis, which gives him those several heartbeats. Your choice of words here is unclear as to whether you jumped at him or not, but in either case his self-preservation and precognition should have kicked in for him to draw this fight out longer through a defensive swipe of a saber or some sort of evasion.

Slowly pulling her right hand backwards, she felt a build up of power which she flung forward into the Odanite, sending him back a few meters, his feet left the ground, and he crashed to the floor. Kelly honed in, her confidence shown by the fact she deactivated her lightsaber on her approach. Instead, just as her opponent was beginning to stir, he collapsed under the force of Kelly’s lightsaber hilt being driven into his skull. The battle over, the Plagueian motioned to the enforcer who had brought the Jedi to her.

“You talk too much.” The human woman shifted her feet out wide again. She raised her orange blade above her head with her left hand and pointed at the Miralukan, with her right hand, out in front of her.

Talis replied to the woman's stance by adjusting his footing and transferred his weight onto the balls of his feet. He presented his lightsaber forward and pointed the tip of the amethyst blade at the woman's leading, right shoulder. He kept his right hand back, poised to strike. The two combatants stared each other down for a few minutes, unmoving and silent.

The Jedi grew impatient quickly so he made the first move and lunged forward with a horizontal slash to the outside of the Plagueian's defense. Kelly easily blocked the strike and moved to counterstrike against the larger combatant. Again she struck at empty air.

'He is annoyingly acrobatic for someone his size,' Kelly thought to herself as she came around to block another attack.

The Shien master expertly deflected the armored Jedi's attack to the side and stepped towards him to strike back at him. The Miralukan sat on his haunches then pushed off with his right foot, spinning on the ball of his left foot. The purple blade slammed hard into the Seeker's tangerine blade. The clash echoed down the street through the now large field of onlookers. The spectacle was not a normal sight on Nar Shaddaa. Two masters of their lightsabers not holding back as they fought in the center of the mob. The spectators gave both combatants plenty of room to work with but they stayed in range to get a good look at the agile brawl.

Talis utilized the spinning attack to shift his weight. Tucking his right leg in, the Knight used his momentum to roll forward and to the Sith's right flank. He planted his feet and turned hard as he leapt over the woman. The spinning rotation gave him enough momentum to slash hard against the defending woman's lightsaber and then throw a wrapping shot towards her head as he came around again. The orange blade intercepted the blow skillfully but did not deflect it this time. Instead, it held steady, to dissuade another attack. The Odanite landed nimbly and turned to meet the Plagueian. She stood firm with a slight smile on her face. This caused the Marauder to pause for a few moments. The Equite used this chance to concentrate.

“What are you smiling about?” the quirkier of the two combatants asked.

“I don't know why you are fighting me.” The woman waved her hand as she spoke to the Jedi. “We could be such good friends.”

“We could be such good friends,” Talis repeated in a monotone voice.

The reply was all she needed to relax. Her gamble had worked out and her foe was now under her control.

“Could you be a dear and drop your lightsaber.” The Miralukan's hand went limp and the hilt of his lightsaber dropped. The blade deactivated as it fell and the metal cylinder clanked hard on the durasteel floor. The Journeyman stood there staring blankly at his foe.

The words rang out through Talis' mind as he stood there staring at the brunette woman before him. He had a nagging feeling that he was in danger but he couldn't place the feeling. All he knew was that they were going to be friends. Her emerald green eyes pierced through the man's soul as he stood there with a blank expression.

The crowd of onlookers had started taking bets and wagers were being made.

“I will put one hundred credits on the Miralukan,” one voice rang out.

“I will put fifty credits on the beautiful lady,” another voice blurted out over the small ruckus that surrounded a seedy looking man.

“Current odds. One to seventy five odds for the Miralukan. One to fifteen odds for the deadly vixen.” More bets rang out from around the crowd as the onlookers gazed on. A particularly dirty looking old man walked up and placed a single credit down and looked at the bookie.

“One credit on the tall Miralukan.”

“Sure thing old man.” The bookie deposited the bet and took it down in his records book.

The old man turned to watch the fight with the others. He had never seen something so spectacular in his life. He wanted the taller combatant to win. He had heard of the Odanites and their plight in the galaxy. It took him back to his years with the Galactic Republic. When he had worked alongside clones to take down the Separatists. It made him feel young. He watched the nimble man bound around and slide and roll and attack his foe with such ferocity. It dumbfounded him that people could do that. The Force was a magical thing.

Out of nowhere the Miralukan stopped. He stood straight up and dropped his lightsaber. The look on his face was expressionless. Confused the older man weeded his way to the front of the mob who all looked on dumbfounded. What had happened to the agile warrior of the light? Whispers shot back and forth as people started to gossip. The old man refused to let this be the end of it.

The Savant stepped in close to the Jedi and whispered into his ear.

“Now. Die for me Jedi.” She stepped back and flicked her wrist before squatting down. She was poised for a stab aimed right at the Marauder's heart.

“What are you doing master Jedi?” The old man couldn't believe he blurted that out over the crowd. He steeled his nerve as the mob went quiet. “Don't let this evil woman win! Fight back!”

Talis turned to acknowledge the old man. His emotions of fear and sorrow cascaded over the Miralukan's senses.

'What are you doing?' The thought ran across the Jedi's mind. Like a rampaging rancor his thoughts came racing back to him. His senses exploded in response to his regained consciousness. He was in danger and this woman was his enemy.

Kelly's arms pulled back as she began to lunge forward with her left handed stab. Talis let his instincts and training take over. With a flick of his wrist Talis reached out to his lightsaber. He beckoned the metal cylinder to come to him. At first it resisted a little and Talis pulled harder. The hilt shot up into his right hand and the amethyst blade hissed to life. The Jedi only had enough time for a simple block. He knew it well enough as he swatted at the stab. The two blades collided and the glow illuminated the surprised face of the Sith woman as her momentum carried her forward.

The stab glanced off the Odanite’s shoulder armor leaving a gash in the right pauldron and through some of the muscle. Talis' adrenaline was pumping and he hardly noticed the wound as he grabbed a handful of the woman's robes around the base of her throat. His longer range allowed him to wind up his strike. With his right hand he released his lightsaber and grabbed the exposed forearm of his enemy. The look of confusion was replaced by a look of sheer pain as Talis buried his armored right knee into her exposed rips. The sickening crunch that echoed throughout the alley was followed by a scream of heart wrenching pain.

Talis released the smaller combatant and stumbled back clasping his wounded right shoulder. He pulled away his hand to look at it before turning back to the Demon of Florrum. She stayed standing for a few seconds before collapsing and hugging her ribs and moaning. The Odanite felt the fatigue wash over him like warm wave of water. He suddenly found it harder to breathe as he stood there. The Marauder shot a glance around the ground before he found his lightsaber. He found it harder to concentrate but he wouldn't put himself in harm's way by trying to retrieve his weapon. He reached out his left hand and concentrated on the smooth hilt. Calling on what little strength he had Talis pulled hard on this lightsaber. Slowly the hilt slid towards him and glided up off the floor and into his hand. The release of his concentration caused him to exhale loudly. Kelly stayed slouched over holding her chest. Her breathing was slowly improving as she stayed put. He heard a faint crunchy noise that drew a grunt from the wounded Sith.

“Well that's not a noise a lady should make.” Talis chuckled slightly. The movement caused him to groan as he felt the muscles tense up in his shoulder.

“What...are...you waiting for?” the Plagueian asked in a raspy voice.

“My job was not to come kill you,” Talis replied through a wince as he investigated his own injury with his left index finger.

“Then...why are...you here?” The words seem to come easier by the second.

“To investigate what you were doing.”

“Finish her!” a yell erupted from the crowd. The Jedi shot a glance at the man who had interrupted their conversation. He fell silent and sat back down on the box he was watching from. The Odanite returned his gaze to the injured human who was now glaring at him with her green eyes from under her disheveled hair.

“Like I said.” Talis offered a smile. “I am not here to kill you. Merely to gather some intel and I have all that I need to make my report so I will take my leave. Good day madam.”

Talis turned towards the crowd and waved his hand to have them part, so that he could pass. At first they were reluctant, but when the Ataru adherent's hand came to rest on his lightsaber the mob stumbled over themselves to make way for him.

As the Jedi came out onto the street he shot a glance back. At the other end of the tunnel of people, stood the Demon of Florrom. Her right hand clutching her still damaged ribcage and her lightsaber in her left hand.

The Jedi offered a curt bow to his adversary before turning up the street and bolting towards the spaceport.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 9 April, 2017 5:37 PM UTC

Syntax

Hyphen required.

Her emerald[-]green eyes pierced through the man's soul as he stood there with a blank expression.

One to seventy[-]five odds for the Miralukan.

Kelly's arms pulled back as she began to lunge forward with her left[-]handed stab.

The sickening crunch that echoed throughout the alley was followed by a scream of heart[-]wrenching pain.

Comma needed after introductory phrase.

Out of nowhere, the Miralukan stopped.

At first[,] it resisted a little and Talis pulled harder.

At first[,] they were reluctant, but when the Ataru adherent's hand came to rest on his lightsaber the mob stumbled over themselves to make way for him.

Possible word confusion. I think you meant ‘ribs’.

The look of confusion was replaced by a look of sheer pain as Talis buried his armored right knee into her exposed [ribs].

Missing an article such as ‘a’.

The Odanite felt the fatigue wash over him like [a] warm wave of water.

Comma after an interjection.

Well[,] that's not a noise a lady should make.

Unnecessary comma after ‘part’.

Talis turned towards the crowd and waved his hand to have them part[] so that he could pass.

“You talk too much.” The human woman shifted her feet out wide again. She raised her orange blade above her head with her left hand and pointed at the Miralukan, with her right hand[] out in front of her.

Instead, it held steady[] to dissuade another attack.

Should be a question mark.

“Could you be a dear and drop your lightsaber[?]”

Realism

A clash halts your momentum. Therefore the line ‘Talis utilized the spinning attack to shift his weight.’ after the clash makes no sense. You could deflect or bounce off of it, but the spin would not continue.

The Shien master expertly deflected the armored Jedi's attack to the side and stepped towards him to strike back at him. The Miralukan sat on his haunches then pushed off with his right foot, spinning on the ball of his left foot. The purple blade slammed hard into the Seeker's tangerine blade. The clash echoed down the street through the now large field of onlookers. The spectacle was not a normal sight on Nar Shaddaa. Two masters of their lightsabers not holding back as they fought in the center of the mob. The spectators gave both combatants plenty of room to work with but they stayed in range to get a good look at the agile brawl.

Talis utilized the spinning attack to shift his weight. Tucking his right leg in, the Knight used his momentum to roll forward and to the Sith's right flank.

Your opponent is a duelist, per her aspect. She does not engage in the typical bad guy speech before a kill, especially if someone in the crowd is trying to snap him out of it.

The Savant stepped in close to the Jedi and whispered into his ear.

“Now. Die for me Jedi.” She stepped back and flicked her wrist before squatting down. She was poised for a stab aimed right at the Marauder's heart.

K, Lightsabers hurt a lot and his Control Self is at +1, which doesn’t include controlling intense pain. No bueno.

The stab glanced off the Odanite’s shoulder armor leaving a gash in the right pauldron and through some of the muscle. Talis' adrenaline was pumping and he hardly noticed the wound as he grabbed a handful of the woman's robes around the base of her throat. His longer range allowed him to wind up his strike. With his right hand he released his lightsaber and grabbed the exposed forearm of his enemy. The look of confusion was replaced by a look of sheer pain as Talis buried his armored right knee into her exposed rips. The sickening crunch that echoed throughout the alley was followed by a scream of heart wrenching pain.

Story

Why wait this long? A fight usually lasts a few minutes and you have them just doing nothing for what could be the duration of a whole fight. This is further compounded on by the fact that your character was impatient.

The two combatants stared each other down for a few minutes, unmoving and silent.

The Jedi grew impatient quickly so he made the first move and lunged forward with a horizontal slash to the outside of the Plagueian's defense.

Nice inclusion of the venue.

The clash echoed down the street through the now large field of onlookers. The spectacle was not a normal sight on Nar Shaddaa. Two masters of their lightsabers not holding back as they fought in the center of the mob. The spectators gave both combatants plenty of room to work with but they stayed in range to get a good look at the agile brawl.

The crowd of onlookers had started taking bets and wagers were being made.

Nice addition to the story. I like it a lot. It wraps into their missions and bring the venue to life.

The old man turned to watch the fight with the others. He had never seen something so spectacular in his life. He wanted the taller combatant to win. He had heard of the Odanites and their plight in the galaxy. It took him back to his years with the Galactic Republic. When he had worked alongside clones to take down the Separatists. It made him feel young. He watched the nimble man bound around and slide and roll and attack his foe with such ferocity. It dumbfounded him that people could do that. The Force was a magical thing.

“Finish her!” a yell erupted from the crowd. The Jedi shot a glance at the man who had interrupted their conversation. He fell silent and sat back down on the box he was watching from. The Odanite returned his gaze to the injured human who was now glaring at him with her green eyes from under her disheveled hair.

I like the old man’s inclusion, but now he is interfering with the result of this match. An NPC is not allowed to directly interfere in a fight. This means that they cannot disrupt the combat in anyway.This NPC prevented Talis’ death and as such is story hit.

“What are you doing master Jedi?” The old man couldn't believe he blurted that out over the crowd. He steeled his nerve as the mob went quiet. “Don't let this evil woman win! Fight back!” Talis turned to acknowledge the old man. His emotions of fear and sorrow cascaded over the Miralukan's senses.

'What are you doing?' The thought ran across the Jedi's mind. Like a rampaging rancor his thoughts came racing back to him. His senses exploded in response to his regained consciousness. He was in danger and this woman was his enemy.