Mystic Levi Zetta vs. Ranger Tisto Kingang

Mystic Levi Zetta

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Ranger Tisto Kingang

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Juggernaut, Sentinel
Comment

First and foremost, interesting match premise. It was original and creative, though I'd suggest using the Scenario hall for races in the future.

Both of you could use a proofer, I know that's not always an option but rereading your post prior to posting is still a good idea.

I'd also suggest reading up on confusing grammar, it's always good to refresh on the differences between to/too, its/it's, there/their/they're and all that fun stuff.

Tisto, you've got a good grasp on scene building but could stand to expand on your action. Your second post was solid if a bit sparse, but your first post hurt you.

Levi, please, read the comments on your posts. You've been getting the same comments concerning grammar and syntax in your fights, which suggests you're ignoring the feedback. This means you're not learning or improving.

With a score of 3.8 to 3.05, I declare Tisto Kingang the winner!

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Levi Zetta, Ranger Tisto Kingang
Winner Ranger Tisto Kingang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Levi Zetta's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Ranger Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 31 May, 2017 3:38 PM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Kylex Sanguris
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Minor spelling errors and to/too confusion. Rationale: Repeated issues with commas, the usage of to versus too and dialogue modifiers.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post lacked any form of conflict, which is a major detractor. Rationale: Jarring scene change in your last post brought this down from a four to a three.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Kylex Sanguris
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Some minor errors, still not sure how one races while wrists are bound. Rationale: +1 Pilot (S), even with a heavy level of Precognition, does not a racer make, especially with the terrain.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No apparent issues. Rationale: Consistency is king, remember and refer to the notes of your first post concerning Species names.
Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.8 Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.05
Posts

Mustafar Mining Facility

Lava is mined as a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. The opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities - originally constructed by the Techno Union - are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles—the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

Beyond the blistering heat of the volcanic world, Mustafar served as the battlefield for the fabled final duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

Tisto sat on the edge of a cliff face overlooking magma. The heat made him feel at home, reminding him of a nice workshop. His armorweave jacket waved in the air, as did his hair, a feeling he was only just getting used too again. Having spent several months in a 1.5 by 2 meter cell had taken its toll on the biker, and this was heaven. He looked back, his swoop bike hovering a few meters behind him, surrounded by three others. He smiled as he saw the rest of his gang. Sure they were small this time, nothing like the size he used to lead, but being arrested took its toll. Bell had gotten the two other humans to join, and they had too start a new gang.

Tisto took a look at the stun cuffs on his wrists. I don't know why Arcia sent me here with who ever I wanted to get some minerals. Then again, all I got was a datapad from her. Maybe it's a test if I try to escape.

The biker closed his eyes, enjoying the heat. He doubted he would feel this back on Solyait. If he knew anything he would likely get stuck on Trepus. The tundra was a good place to bike, but it was so cold. It was then he heard the scrape of boots on the ground, as well as the raising of guns. He opened his eyes too see Bell and the others holding up a pale skinned man. He noted the man had a blindfold and was walking along, leaning on an electrostaff. It didn't take long for him to notice the lightsaber.

"Bell, stand down," Tisto said with a friendly voice. "I will take care of our friend, you and the others go get what we came here for."

"They can get it Tisto," the girl replied. "I won't let you get hurt this time."

The biker sighed. "Please don't mind Bell here, she gets nervous if I am threatened."

The pale man seemed to smile. "Apologies," he said with a faint Corellian accent. "Are you Tisto of the Nameless?"

The red haired Kiffar gave him an odd look. "That gang is gone, but I am Tisto."

"That's a shame. I had been hoping for a race. My name is Levi," the other kiffar replied.

"A race? Well, I have seen supposedly blind men fight," Tisto laughed in a friendly tone. "But I wouldn't mind a race. Three laps from here and across the Mining Facility sound good?"

"That sounds fair," Levi replied with a smirk.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 11:47 AM UTC

If he knew anything he would likely get stuck on Trepus.

Missing a comma after the introductory clause here, 'If he knew anything, etc etc'

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 11:51 AM UTC

While this post sets an atmospheric tone, it also lacks any real meat. Some moments are confusing as well, such as how Tisto is operating, or planning on racing while apparently restrained with stuncuffs. Furthermore, even in the Funderdome, some form of conflict needs to be present between you and your opponent. This includes, physical, verbal or mental/Force, and there isn’t ay present, so that hurt your Story score.

“Are you sure about this?” Tisto questioned, jumping onto his swoop bike. He tapped on the side of beloved Redemption, running his fingers along the lift generator. “This is going to be a rough ride, especially if you can’t see.”

“I’ve learned not to rely on eyesight, however, such a challenging race might call for it.” said Levi with a playful grin. He stood up from the electrostaff, collapsing it and stashing it on his back. The Kiffar ducked behind a boulder that was resting nearby, retrieving his black and white Flare. He mounted the vehicle, giving the repulsor life a firm kick before turning the ignition. With a roar, the swoopbike came to life, hoving shortly off the ground. The small bike hovered over to Tisto, who had also started up his swoop.

The two lined up on the edge of a large cliff, the old mining facility ahead of them. The wind blew across their faces as they each kicked their swoop bikes into gear, accelerating down the cliff face towards the molten river that lay before them.

“I’ll see you at the finish line!” Yelled Tisto, accelerating forward. The two hit the river, hot bursts of lava spraying out as they zipped by as frightening speeds. Levi concentrated, carefully evading each spray of hot magma with relative ease. He looked up, his vision slightly impaired by the brightness of the glowing river beneath him, to see Tisto taking off ahead of him.

Oh no you don’t. he said to himself, pressing a button on the handle of his swoop bike. A sudden burst from the engines sent him hurtling forward, faster than ever. The Half-Kiffar quickly caught up to the Jedi Ranger, overtaking him. As Tisto looked onwards, he saw Levi guestering the intergalactic hand sign for ‘peace’, and chuckled to himself.

“I’m not going to lose that easily.” he said, brushing his hair from his eyes. The Juggernaut lent forward, reducing his figure on the swoop before hitting the throttle. A sudden curve in the river appeared, turning around at a sharp right angle with a deadly stone wall ready to embrace the two if they didn't make the turn. The corner quickly came up, just as quickly as Tisto caught up with the half breed. As if they had rehearsed it, both bikers shifted their weight too the right, then simultaneously pulling the break as the turn approached.

“Hold on!” Tisto yelled to Levi. “You stuff this up you're dead!” Levi grinned at the notion.

“Dead? This is when I am truly alive.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 11:55 AM UTC

He stood up from the electrostaff, collapsing it and stashing it on his back.

The first half of this statement is very awkwardly written and doesn't make a lot of sense.

'He stopped leaning upon the staff' would make sense, standing up from it would suggest you had been sitting on it.

Secondly, your electrostaff has a coupler aspect, not a collapsible, these are two different things.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:03 PM UTC

“I’ve learned not to rely on eyesight, however, such a challenging race might call for it.” said Levi with a playful grin.

I believe I pointed this issue out, repeatedly, in a previous match of yours. When you intend to modify dialogue after the fact, you do not end with a period, but with a comma.

“I’ve learned not to rely on eyesight, however, such a challenging race might call for it,” said Levi with a playful grin.

The above is proper; the original becomes two separate sentences that are no longer joined, with improper capitalization and is both grammatically wrong and confusing.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:05 PM UTC

With a roar, the swoopbike came to life, hoving shortly off the ground.

Syntax error here in 'hoving' rather than 'hovering'

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:06 PM UTC

As Tisto looked onwards, he saw Levi guestering the intergalactic hand sign for ‘peace’, and chuckled to himself.

'gesturing', not 'guestering'

Also, the comma for peace needs to come before, not after the apostrophe.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:09 PM UTC

As if they had rehearsed it, both bikers shifted their weight too the right, then simultaneously pulling the break as the turn approached.

'both bikers shifted their weight to the right'

to/too, used the wrong one here.

http://www.grammar.cl/Notes/Two_Too_To.htm

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:14 PM UTC

You had a lot of spelling and syntax errors, including the dialogue modifier issue that you've had laid out in comments by more than one ACC Judge now. On top of that, even while relying on Precognition, Pilot (S) clearly states that at your skill level that you would 'be at a loss in an actual cockpit of a pod racer or starfighter without some kind of autopilot or assistance.'

It's so far outside the realm of believable that this harmed your realism score as well.

On the matters of continuity, I'm not going to ding you too hard on this, but when presenting species name, ie. human/Human, the rule is to be consistent. That means from the start of the match. Tisto used human and kiffar while you used Kiffar, etc etc. Consistency is king when it comes to species names.

While I'm not going to let the 'stuff this up' comment really affect your Story score, as its dialogue, it also doesn't make sense/mean anything.

On the upside, plenty of action, though I'm not sure why Tisto would be flashing hand signals at an apparently blind man.

The turn was close, the Flare-S of the blindfolded Kiffar turning harder due to its weight, allowing for Tisto too take the lead once more. He brought his bike forward on an inside turn, barely edging out his opponent. Instinctively he shifted one of his Air-2's many gears upwards, feeling the engine work harder. His speed picked up as he made the turn, catching his opponent off guard.

"How--- I won't let you win based on a trick like that!" Levi called out from half a meter behind. Tisto's turn had been flawless, and it caught his opponent off guard.

The two noted that the mining facility was coming up quickly, after all, this wasn't going to be a long race. Levi stayed behind Tisto, using the his foe's bike to help eliminate what little air resistance there was on the hot planet. The river was quickly walled on both sides by metal slabs slanted at fifty degree angles. Tisto gave a small turn, his bike moving towards one, as he began to climb up. Levi was quick to follow, watching what the gang leader would do next.

The racers passed two men getting off bikes, the two Tisto had sent off earlier. The biker waved too them, and Levi pointedly ignored them, focusing on the race instead. He speed up again, taking the lead as the red haired kiffar waved. It wasn't long before the was another turn, this one sending them to the end of the first lap. Tisto let his opponent take the lap, watching the man carefully now. He wants something. I need to figure out what.

Tisto kept to his opponents right, drawing up along side him. Lava was sprayed in their wake as the two went forward, taking another turn where they had started from. It was a hairpin tun, and Tisto had to shift his weight differently to avoid colliding with the heaver Flare-S. That set him back nearly a quarter of a meter, but he knew how dangerous a collision at these speeds could be. Even at their slowed rate they were travelling well over four hundred kilometers per hour. Adrenaline rushed through Tisto urging him to take the lead, but he kept it at bay. This was important. "You are good for a blind man!" he called out. "Almost too good."

"Maybe you should focus on the race!" Levi called back. "It won't be fun for you if yo---"

There was an eruption of lava in the river, the molten rock slamming into both bikes.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:16 PM UTC

The turn was close, the Flare-S of the blindfolded Kiffar turning harder due to its weight, allowing for Tisto too take the lead once more.

to/too, used the wrong one here in the latter part of the sentence.

http://www.grammar.cl/Notes/Two_Too_To.htm

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:18 PM UTC

Levi stayed behind Tisto, using the his foe's bike to help eliminate what little air resistance there was on the hot planet.

'the his' foe's bike, think you accidentally a word here

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:20 PM UTC

The biker waved too them, and Levi pointedly ignored them, focusing on the race instead. He speed up again, taking the lead as the red haired kiffar waved.

Again, misusage of 'too', also 'He speed up again' is wrong, in the tense you were using I'd say 'sped' was the intended word.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:26 PM UTC

The racers passed two men getting off bikes, the two Tisto had sent off earlier. The biker waved to them, and Levi pointedly ignored them, focusing on the race instead. He speed up again, taking the lead as the red haired kiffar waved. It wasn't long before the was another turn, this one sending them to the end of the first lap. Tisto let his opponent take the lap, watching the man carefully now. He wants something. I need to figure out what.

From what I can tell, after re-reading this several times, you swapped between Levi and Tisto's points of view midway through the paragraph. This is wrong, stick to one pov per paragraph, and its better to break it up by a few paragraphs to help the reader follow the flow.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 12:31 PM UTC

A lot going on here. You had some spelling and syntax errors scattered throughout the post.

Plenty of action.

As Levi already presented himself as able to keep up with Tisto, you won't catch a realism error as he did, this fits within the match's continuity, good job not deviating from it.

The point of view swap does affect your Story score, though, try to avoid that in the future.

A violent burst of steam erupted from within the shell of the Flare-S swoop bike. The frame of the bike had taken significant damage from the molten lava, and Tisto’s bike didn't look in a good condition either. Both bikes rapidly decelerated, the extreme temperatures of the lava melting the speeders away with each second.

“We have to get to safety!” yelled Tisto, trying to guide his speeder too the shoreline. “My driveshaft is out, I'm gonna have a hard time controlling this thing!”

Levi nodded, paying attention to his speeder. He didn't know much, but the fact that the front half of the bike was dipping into lava wasn't a good thing. Almost everything went dark as the two entered a tunnel. Levi looked up, quickly throwing his grappling hook at Tisto. The Kiffar caught it in his right hand, and fired it towards the ceiling.

ZIP!

The hook sunk into the roof, yanking Tisto off the swoop bike, just as it crashed into the magma. He stared onwards, watching Levi closely.

“Don't die on me.” whispered Tisto to himself.

Levi had to be quick if he wanted to live. It was the moment of do or die. Mere seconds before the Flare-s swoop bike was swallowed up by the lava, in a display of athletic prowess, Levi jumped towards the tunnel wall, kicking off of it and grabbing onto a metal pipe. The speeded crashed into the molten rock, vanishing completely.

“That was close.” he said, glancing over at Tisto. “You’d better get us a ride out of here.”

“Agreed.” replied the Biker, tapping on his wrist with chin. “Bell will pick us up shortly.”

Tisto sat on the cliff face the race had started on, taking in the heat. Next too him, sat Levi, legs crossed and arms folded. All that could be heard was the streams of magma bubbling and bursting, along with the crew behind them.

“That was one hell of a race.” said Levi, breaking the silence.

“Indeed it was.” replied Tisto. The red haired Kiffar stood upright, dusting himself off. Levi copied, patting the dust off his clothes before facing the biker.

“You saved my life today. If not for that grappling hook, i’d be deep fried. I cannot thank you enough.” said Tisto, he placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I'm going to make you an offer. Join us. Join my gang.”

Levi paused, throwing the offer around in his mind.

“I've never been part of a gang before.” he said. “As long as there is no drug smuggling involved.”

Tisto smiled, and began to cheerfully laugh. Levi grinned, shaking the Ranger’s hand.

“Welcome to the Void Snakes!”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:34 PM UTC

So again, multiple instances of syntax errors, especially the dialogue issue.

This scene was decent on action and a bit of story, though the abrupt scene change hurt you on that front.

My biggest suggestion on this post is to find yourself a proofer that understands grammar.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:22 PM UTC

“Don't die on me.” whispered Tisto to himself.

Comma. After. Dialogue. When. Modified.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:24 PM UTC

Mere seconds before the Flare-s swoop bike was swallowed up by the lava, in a display of athletic prowess, Levi jumped towards the tunnel wall, kicking off of it and grabbing onto a metal pipe.

You've got the Athletics to pull this off, but next time you might want to go with a rock outcropping or ledge. A metal pipe in a tunnel full of lava would melt the skin off your hands.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:26 PM UTC

The speeded crashed into the molten rock, vanishing completely.

The speeder

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:28 PM UTC

“Agreed.” replied the Biker, tapping on his wrist with chin.

with his chin would work better here

General Stres'tron'garmis, 6 June, 2017 1:29 PM UTC

Tisto sat on the cliff face the race had started on, taking in the heat. Next too him, sat Levi, legs crossed and arms folded. All that could be heard was the streams of magma bubbling and bursting, along with the crew behind them.

Show, dont' tell, how did you guys suddenly go from a tunnel to a cliff face? Even a page break would have made sense here for the scene change, this was very jarring.