Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi vs. Professional Keiji Suoh

Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Arcanist
vs.

Professional Keiji Suoh

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Mercenary, Hunter
Comment

Droveth, I'd like to say that you had some great fight scenes and nice pacing to your story. I really enjoyed reading it. You also had some decent syntax so good job on that. There were a few realism hits that almost lost you the match, but I'd like to focus on something more important. Plot additions. When you write the story, infuse more plot into them. It will get you to the high story scores you are looking for.

Keiji, I think your strength is telling an interesting story. You made this match unique and rather enjoyable. Good job! Look out for your syntax and realism moving forward. They hurt you in this match and made a big difference, especially realism. Avoid these at all cost. But I'd suggest the best way for improvement is to leverage your great story ideas and injecting a more smooth battle rhythm. What I mean by that is that I shouldn't pause because of sentences in a fight. I should just flow from one to the next. It should make sense. It will get you to the high story scores that will win you a lot of matches.

Overall, the winner of this match is Droveth Kathera Vectivi. Syntax won the day for this very close match. It was a nice story to read overall, so I thank you for taking the time to write it. Good job to both of you and see you again next time!!

~Aura Ta'var

Hall Duelist Hall
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi, Professional Keiji Suoh
Winner Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Professional Keiji Suoh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Refugee Sector
Last Post 29 May, 2017 11:37 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Syntax - 15%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Decently done, but a few of the syntax mistakes distracted me as a reader. See post comments for more details. Rationale: Needs a solid proofing as there were too many basic syntax mistakes. In addition, some sentences were rather awkward to read. See post comments for details.
Story - 40%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: This was so close to being a four due to your excellent writing of a good number of fight scenes but it lacked in plot substance. Your goal is to write a good fight, but you also want it to stand out past, “let’s whack each other with sticks.” You used the hooks left by Keiji well, but I just feel you could have done so much more with it. Therefore, you are a high 3, but not quite a 4. Rationale: A good story that was quite interesting. Your posts breathed some life into the story beyond just a simple fight. Unfortunately, the pace of your story and your fight scenes didn't flow so well, which messed up the feeling of the story itself. Therefore, you are a high 3, but not quite a 4.
Realism - 25%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Keiji Suoh
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: There were 1 major realism issue and 2 minor realism issues that caused a break in the suspension of disbelief and made me pause and go “how?”. See post comments for more details. Rationale: There were 1 major realism error and 1 minor realism issue that caused a break in the suspension of disbelief and made me pause and go “how?”. See post comments for more details.
Continuity - 20%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Keiji Suoh
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Score: 3.15 Keiji Suoh's Score: 3.0
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

A cesspool of the downtrodden, the Refugee Sector on Nar Shaddaa is home to both the unfortunate and criminals alike. Offering their protection for credits, the criminal organizations that control the sector tax the populace outrageous sums. Unable to provide these fees, refugees are forced to work under hazardous conditions producing glitterstim and adrenals for their overseers. Some of these refugees are addicted to the substances themselves—for which the cartels increase the price of their tithes in exchange for a share of the product.

Crammed with stalls and makeshift hovels, several of the sector’s inhabitants find refuge on the streets and in the alleyways. Those who managed to avoid the dangers of drug production can be found selling their limited and often defective goods to others. Behind these stalls a selective stock of black market wares is hidden, reserved for mercenaries and thugs.

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

Littered with garbage, it is obvious that no maintenance droids have been programmed to maintain the sector. The surrounding towers have fallen into decay, bits of debris falling every so often into the middle of the street. The duracrete streets are covered in a film of filth and chemicals from the abandoned warehouses, making movement cumbersome when traveling through the most inhabited areas.

Patrols armed with blasters and vibroswords come through these areas regularly, making a show of force to advertise the merits of their ‘protection’ while extorting the occasional shopkeeper. Screams and shouts are a common enough sound, which is never in the refugees’ best interests to interfere in.

The stench of garbage filled Droveth's nostrils as he walked through the streets of Nar Shaddaa. The filth was piled up to his ankles even in the heavy traffic areas, and he didn't like the weight he felt on his boots. Four days he had spent in the Refuge sector, four days too long. Mercenaries always took longer.

His compatriot, Keiji Suoh, strolled beside him through the street with ease. The Togruta Mercenary was well equipped for the environment; both physically and technologically. His tall and muscular frame apparent beneath his menacing Shadow Trooper armor, modified for his unique appearance. A katana swung rhythmically on his hip.

"Where exactly are we going?" Droveth asked, examining his surroundings. They had traveled far from the merchant who paid them, and the Knight now realized he had never inquired what the destination was. Keiji had led them into a less populated area, but it appeared to have been recently vacated. Blood splattered down the walls and broken glass in the store fronts told signs of a skirmish.

"Gang warfare? Is that why you led me here?"

"No." The Mercenary replied coolly. Droveth turned and locked eyes with the Togruta, willing himself into Keiji's mind. Before the Jedi could gather any information he spoke.

"You won't have to go into my mind, I was about to speak."

"Oh, sorry, force of habit." Droveth smirked and tapped Keiji on the shoulder.

"When we were in the transport on the way here, you told me that your combat methods could best mine in a open fight. I wish to test that theory." Droveth again reached into Keiji's mind, this time finding that he spoke the truth. He intended on an 'anything goes, no holds barred' test of their combat prowess', stopping only at severe injury, or of course calls of mercy. The Knight could sense that there would be none.

"I didn't think you'd remember that. Let me think." The Jedi turned and surveyed the 'arena', a pentagonal shaped courtyard filled with only trash and broken glass. To the south led the alley they came through, leading back towards the merchant and their transport. To the northeast, another alley led out of this courtyard and into a far more decrepit area. On the northwest face was a destroyed ration center, cleanly looted but for a few metal racks and empty packaging. Adjacent to the ration center was a the smoldering remains of a store that could not be identified; the only surviving piece was the structure itself. The southeastearn store looked to have been a gambling hall, with burned and bloodied cards and half destroyed units scattered around the floor.

"This will serve as a fitting arena. I accept your challenge." Droveth bowed to the Mercenary, who returned the courtesy. They both stepped back ten feet and readied themselves. The Jedi was facing the ration center. He slowed his breathing, calming himself, feeling the Force wash through him. He felt his surroundings, he felt the Togruta behind him readying his katana. Now it was a chess game.

Keiji made the first strike, closing the gap with ease and bringing the katana downward on the turned Knight. Droveth saw the strike a second before it happened, swirling into his mind like a mist. He withdrew his lightsaber, no igniting it, but parrying the katana slash. The blade bounced off into the air, but the Mercenary had planned for the counter. He brought his left elbow hard into the side of Droveth's head. The Jedi stumbled sideways, losing balance for a moment. Bending his knees as he fell, Droveth could feel the Force building in his legs. As he hit the ground he launched upwards, doing a backhand spring and landing six feet away from Keiji.

Droveth took a slow breath and calmed his mind, forcing the pain in his temple to subside. The Mercenary took no time to rest, lunging towards him. The Jedi held his lightsaber up and ignited it.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 8 June, 2017 11:30 PM UTC

Syntax

Incorrect article.

When we were in the transport on the way here, you told me that your combat methods could best mine in a[n] open fight.

Use the adverb to modify a verb, adjective, or other adverb.

The Jedi turned and surveyed the 'arena', a pentagonal[ly] shaped courtyard filled with only trash and broken glass.

Double articles. Delete the ‘a’.

Adjacent to the ration center was [] the smoldering remains of a store that could not be identified;

Misspelling

The [southeastern] store looked to have been a gambling hall, with burned and bloodied cards and half destroyed units scattered around the floor.

Story

Decent description of the venue and its impact on your character. Good job.

The stench of garbage filled Droveth's nostrils as he walked through the streets of Nar Shaddaa. The filth was piled up to his ankles even in the heavy traffic areas, and he didn't like the weight he felt on his boots. Four days he had spent in the Refuge sector, four days too long. Mercenaries always took longer.

And now a reason to fight. Very good.

"When we were in the transport on the way here, you told me that your combat methods could best mine in a open fight. I wish to test that theory." Droveth again reached into Keiji's mind, this time finding that he spoke the truth. He intended on an 'anything goes, no holds barred' test of their combat prowess', stopping only at severe injury, or of course calls of mercy. The Knight could sense that there would be none.

This was really hard to follow. I couldn’t keep it all straight and truth be told you could have gotten rid of all this direction stuff and just said something like ‘the two squared off against each other and …’ right after you tell us it is a pentagon.

"I didn't think you'd remember that. Let me think." The Jedi turned and surveyed the 'arena', a pentagonal shaped courtyard filled with only trash and broken glass. To the south led the alley they came through, leading back towards the merchant and their transport. To the northeast, another alley led out of this courtyard and into a far more decrepit area. On the northwest face was a destroyed ration center, cleanly looted but for a few metal racks and empty packaging. Adjacent to the ration center was a the smoldering remains of a store that could not be identified; the only surviving piece was the structure itself. The southeastearn store looked to have been a gambling hall, with burned and bloodied cards and half destroyed units scattered around the floor.

"This will serve as a fitting arena. I accept your challenge." Droveth bowed to the Mercenary, who returned the courtesy. They both stepped back ten feet and readied themselves. The Jedi was facing the ration center. He slowed his breathing, calming himself, feeling the Force wash through him. He felt his surroundings, he felt the Togruta behind him readying his katana.

After a bit of consultation with the rest of the grading staff, I finally understood what you were depicting. At first it comes off as ‘katana bounces off of air’ and it is rather confusing. This could have been fixed by more specifically stating that the blade bounced off his hilt into the air. I’ve left a suggestion in the brackets.

Keiji made the first strike, closing the gap with ease and bringing the katana downward on the turned Knight. Droveth saw the strike a second before it happened, swirling into his mind like a mist. He withdrew his lightsaber, no igniting it, but parrying the katana slash. The blade bounced off [his hilt and] into the air, but the Mercenary had planned for the counter.

Realism

The issue with this is that Keiji is a non Force-user. You can’t communicate with him until you reach Telepathy +3 and you are currently only at 2. Hence a minor realism hit.

Droveth again reached into Keiji's mind, this time finding that he spoke the truth. He intended on an 'anything goes, no holds barred' test of their combat prowess', stopping only at severe injury, or of course calls of mercy.

Damn Jedi and their stupid magical swords that cut through anything, Keiji thought as he held his blade in the defensive format. A cut from that would go through anything he had. Dodging and remaining at range was all the Titan could do at the moment. Sheathing his blade, Keiji drew his knives and unleashed a flurry of blades at Droveth. The knives all targeted non-vital areas like knees and shoulders, as this was a sparring session not a death match. He sidestepped most of them and cut one of the thrown weapons in mid-air. I small sigh fell from Keiji. Sure he could always get more knives, but it still sucked that he would have to get more later.

Droveth closed the distance dashing forward and swinging his saber. The beam nearly caught the Mandalorian as he drew himself back. The swings however continued seemingly becoming faster and faster. Keiji soon realised he would have to strike back before he became overwhelmed. The Knight made an overhead swing at Keiji which he dodged, but instead of jumping back, Keiji made his right hand into a semi-fist and smacked the hand holding the lightsaber. With as much force as he could muster, the Titan threw the same fist into the Human’s chest. A resounding whoomp and air leaving lungs was all that could be heard before a slight beep went off on Keiji’s wrist. The Human stood up, painfully holding his chest. He slowly started to send healing energy into his painful sternum.

“You already started without us? I’m kinda disappointed Keiji,” A strange man said as he was flanked by two other humans. The man wore a dark shirt with a burnt looking jacket. Clearly someone of a more… illegal job standing. Droveth first looked at his sparring partner then to the new person that came to where they were. He pointed the end of his blade at the criminal. A large gloved hand appeared in front of his face.

“Just some old employers and their men. They like betting on this stuff,” Keiji explained with a shrug.

“That’s the real reason you did this?” Droveth asked slightly irritated. His opponent gave loose a laugh.

“No, but was an opportunity that seemed worth taking. You do as I asked?” Keiji shouted out to the man, who now had a growing crowd behind him. The criminal smirked as he looked at the currently resting fighters.

“We own this small bit. Shots fired won’t attract anything tonight, we made sure of it.” The Boss shouted out. Small cheers erupted from the crowd of criminals. A small Twi’lek female hopped onto a wooden crate and started shouting that she would take bets. People rushed to her giving various credit amounts, bets being placed on both fighters. A voice rang out from the person standing next to bet keeper.

“Alright boys let’s have a nice fight, ok? The boys have needed something to boost their morale. None of that light sword ok though? We don’t want anyone getting too hurt now,” the Twi'lek standing next to one on the crate shouted. Cheers rang from the gathering of criminals. Droveth stared at Keiji. He begrudgingly turned off his lightsaber and struck out into his fighting stance. His feet were set apart, knees slightly bent, and arms forward. Ready for anything that came Droveth’s way.

“Feel free to use that magic your kind use. Wouldn’t be fair otherwise,” the armored Mandalorian said cockily. The Human smiled at his opponent. The word ‘fight’ was shouted from the audience. Keiji quickly rushed at his foe. Without even touching him, the Knight flung Keiji back into a pile of garbage. On Keiji’s end, all he felt was a massive force knocking him in the stomach. That stupid magic, Keiji thought as he got back up and shaking his head from the blow.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 8 June, 2017 11:33 PM UTC

Syntax

Sentence works better here with a comma since ‘not a death match’ restates the noun sparring session. I believe you meant the word ‘then’ rather than ‘than’.

The knives all targeted non-vital areas like knees and shoulders, as this was a sparring session[,] not a death match.

Article needed.

A voice rang out from the person standing next to [the] bet keeper.

Comma needed after an interjection.

“Alright, boys let’s have a nice fight, ok?

Wrong pronoun. I think you meant ‘A’.

[A] small sigh fell from Keiji.

Works best with a comma here. The second part describes the first more.

Droveth closed the distance[,] dashing forward and swinging his saber. The swings however continued[,] seemingly becoming faster and faster.

The Knight made an overhead swing at Keiji which he dodged, but instead of jumping back, Keiji made his right hand into a semi-fist and smacked the hand holding the lightsaber.

Awkward verb choice. I think ‘let’ would work better here. Better yet, why not make the sentence more active? ‘His opponent merely laughed.’

His opponent gave loose a laugh.

It seems like you are speaking to two different people in this dialogue. I suggest you seperate the dialogue so I know who you are talking to.

“No, but was an opportunity that seemed worth taking. You do as I asked?” Keiji shouted out to the man, who now had a growing crowd behind him. The criminal smirked as he looked at the currently resting fighters.

This works best as two separate sentences.

“We own this small bit. Shots fired won’t attract anything tonight[.] [W]e made sure of it.

Missing article.

None of that light sword ok though? We don’t want anyone getting too hurt now,” the Twi'lek standing next to [the] one on the crate shouted.

Verb tense issue. You needed the past tense here.

That stupid magic, Keiji thought as he got back up and [shook] his head from the blow.

Realism

Keiji’s martial arts is at +1 while Droveth’s lightsaber form is at +3 and his perception is at +2. I would expect in this exchange at least a counterstrike of some kind by Droveth. He has a lightsaber in close range that he is proficient with while you have a basic understanding of a martial art. As such, this is a realism hit.

The Knight made an overhead swing at Keiji which he dodged, but instead of jumping back, Keiji made his right hand into a semi-fist and smacked the hand holding the lightsaber. With as much force as he could muster, the Titan threw the same fist into the Human’s chest.

Story

Not a ding, but a teaching moment. You don’t state anywhere that you like to use ‘Titan’ as a nickname for Keiji. I’d add that to your wiki page or character sheet for future matches.

With as much force as he could muster, the Titan threw the same fist into the Human’s chest.

Story gap. You never write your opponent falling down. I am lost as to what happens here.

A resounding whoomp and air leaving lungs was all that could be heard before a slight beep went off on Keiji’s wrist. The Human stood up, painfully holding his chest. He slowly started to send healing energy into his painful sternum.

Not a ding, but a teaching moment. You need to learn to ‘show’ more. Instead of wording it this way, why not go a layer deeper. Something like ‘He took a deep breath and flooded his chest with the Force, willing it to dull the pain and urge his cells to heal faster.’ Something like that. It shows the process more.

He slowly started to send healing energy into his painful sternum.

Good story addition. Good to know the ulterior motive here.

That’s the real reason you did this?” Droveth asked slightly irritated. His opponent gave loose a laugh. “No, but was an opportunity that seemed worth taking. You do as I asked?” Keiji shouted out to the man, who now had a growing crowd behind him. The criminal smirked as he looked at the currently resting fighters.

The crowd that had gathered rumbled with the dull roar of twenty simultaneous conversations. Droveth caught pieces of each, mostly wagers against himself. It seemed these mercenaries did not put much faith in the ways of the Jedi.

'Or maybe its because they're all Keiji's compatriots,' He thought to himself as he assessed the situation. Removing his saber from the duel gave the Jedi a slight disadvantage, as his Force abilities would not last forever and the Togruta's blade would ensure he could not get in range for a take down. His options for victory were slowly dropping.

The Knight knew his only hope would be to disarm his foe and use the Force to make him submit. He scanned the 'arena' for ideas. Keiji had now stood, shaking off the blow and raising his katana for another attack; it would be only moments before combat would resume. As his eyes fell on the scorched shop, a plan came to him.

Keiji roared as he charged towards the human, slicing upwards diagonally into his robes. Droveth dodged left, narrowly avoiding the attack. Fragments of his robe flew into the air, caught in the force of the slash. The Mercenary reversed the swing, bringing the blade back down on the Knight. This time he dodged right, turning to avoid a dangerous gash to his shoulder. As Keiji redirected his attack Droveth grabbed his sword arm, pulling his body down, and kicking the back of his left knee.

The Togruta's leg gave out from the force of the blow. Droveth spun and caught Keiji in the back of the head with his other foot, slamming him into the ground. As he fell, the Mercenary swiped Droveth's leg with a kick and sent him sprawled onto his back, only feet away from himself. The human's head hit the ground with a resounding smack and he was visibly dazed. Keiji took this opportunity, standing and picking up the half-unconscious Knight over his shoulders.

"Better lock those bets in." Droveth sailed through the air, launched by the Togruta twenty-five feet through what remained of the ration center window. He could hear whoops and hollers erupt from the crowd as the Twi'lek bookkeeper surely collected the earnings. He could not hear Keiji approaching, but he would almost certainly come to confirm his victory any second; He had to act quickly.

Pulling himself to his knees, the Knight channeled the Force through his hands and directed them towards the piles of ash in the adjacent shop. He began swirling them around, lifting more and more ash into the air. Soon a large black cyclone had formed, growing by the second. Droveth heard an audible gasp as he stood up into the window. Keiji had walked over to the Twi'lek and was discussing the profits, only stopping to look when he felt the wind pulling at his montrals. Just as he turned, Droveth sent the cyclone out into the courtyard, filling the arena with a dense black cloud.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 8 June, 2017 11:35 PM UTC

Syntax

First a word misuse. It should be ‘it’s’ and then a lowercase ‘he’ because you are continuing the sentence.

'Or maybe [it’s] because they're all Keiji's compatriots,' [h]e thought to himself as he assessed the situation.

Not a ding, but for future I suggest as a style suggestion that you put thoughts in italics. Easier to read.

'Or maybe its because they're all Keiji's compatriots,' He thought to himself as he assessed the situation.

Story

Nice imagery.

The crowd that had gathered rumbled with the dull roar of twenty simultaneous conversations. Fragments of his robe flew into the air, caught in the force of the slash.

Where did Keiji drop his katana. It seems to have gotten lost in the fight somewhere and we never see him sheath it or pick it up. Always keep track of weapons in ACC fights.

This time he dodged right, turning to avoid a dangerous gash to his shoulder. As Keiji redirected his attack Droveth grabbed his sword arm, pulling his body down, and kicking the back of his left knee. "Better lock those bets in." Droveth sailed through the air, launched by the Togruta twenty-five feet through what remained of the ration center window. He could hear whoops and hollers erupt from the crowd as the Twi'lek bookkeeper surely collected the earnings.

Great fight scene.

Keiji roared as he charged towards the human, slicing upwards diagonally into his robes. Droveth dodged left, narrowly avoiding the attack. Fragments of his robe flew into the air, caught in the force of the slash. The Mercenary reversed the swing, bringing the blade back down on the Knight. This time he dodged right, turning to avoid a dangerous gash to his shoulder. As Keiji redirected his attack Droveth grabbed his sword arm, pulling his body down, and kicking the back of his left knee.

Nice continuation of the story from Keiji’s post. Some story entertainment value and a twist of fortune.

"Better lock those bets in." Droveth sailed through the air, launched by the Togruta twenty-five feet through what remained of the ration center window. He could hear whoops and hollers erupt from the crowd as the Twi'lek bookkeeper surely collected the earnings. He could not hear Keiji approaching, but he would almost certainly come to confirm his victory any second; He had to act quickly.

Realism

Keiji’s might is only at a +2. Have you ever tried to throw a friend who is dead weight on your shoulders 25 feet without the Force? They don’t usually go far.

Keiji took this opportunity, standing and picking up the half-unconscious Knight over his shoulders. "Better lock those bets in." Droveth sailed through the air, launched by the Togruta twenty-five feet through what remained of the ration center window

TK is the act of moving things. There is no wind involved and the idea of creating a cyclone with TK alone is beyond realistic expectations. As such, this is a realism error. It’s a cool move, but still a realism error.

Pulling himself to his knees, the Knight channeled the Force through his hands and directed them towards the piles of ash in the adjacent shop. He began swirling them around, lifting more and more ash into the air. Soon a large black cyclone had formed, growing by the second. Droveth heard an audible gasp as he stood up into the window. Keiji had walked over to the Twi'lek and was discussing the profits, only stopping to look when he felt the wind pulling at his montrals. Just as he turned, Droveth sent the cyclone out into the courtyard, filling the arena with a dense black cloud.

At first the only sound was the gasp from the crowd as black enveloped the air. People unable to see, fears that people would lose bets, or cheating might ensue. Then a giggling noise from the cloud started and then erupted into full blown laughter. Keiji couldn’t help but laugh.

“Did you really think that would do much?” Keiji laughed as he held his arms open. The ash in the air disrupted his ability to see clearly, his montrals could help see slightly, but he tried something else. His helmet went from seeing normally to seeing to seeing red. The Titan could now see through the disruption. Heat waves coming from the spectators currently filled Keiji’s vision. With that knowledge he quickly turned around. In that brief moment of facing the wrong way, Droveth had rushed forward. The Armored figure gave a reactionary swing with his crimson blade, which only managed to graze his opponent. The Human had now done a swift kick to that hand, and watched as the katana flew from the Togruta’s grasp and clattered to the ground. Droveth’s hands grasped his opponent's arm and kicked out his leg. He then hurled the Titan over his shoulder and slammed him into the ground. A thunderous boom sounded through the makeshift arena. Some of the settled ash was now kicked up into the sky again.

A gasp of shock fell from the crowd. The Human smiled knowing the crowd didn’t expect that to happen. Cheers than roared from the crowd. At first Droveth thought it was because he won, he then watched as Keiji stood up again shaking off the throw. The Human was at first surprised that Keiji was able to get up from such a hard throw. The Togruta swung his arms in a circle for a moment, seemingly to warm up, and then charged at Droveth. A high kick started at the Jedi Knight, which was then caught. Droveth still winced in pain as he caught most of the force in his hands. Unbalanced, Keiji’s leg was thrown upwards knocking him down again. The Titan merely raised again, seemingly undisturbed by what had just happened.

The hell is he made of, Droveth thought as he assumed his throwing stance again. The Togruta though less formally trained than his opponent, would refuse to go down. Throw after throw he would simply rise, seemingly unharmed by each throw. The Human slowly grew worried. At this rate he would run out of energy and lose.

“I give,” Keiji suddenly announced to the crowd, “No way I can beat him. He’s better than me.” Cries of sadness and boo’s shouted from the crowd, while only a few people shouted in joy as their unlikely bet won them credits. A small sack was thrown at Droveth.

“Well boys, thanks for the entertainment. Hopefully we can do this again someday,” The leader said slowly backing away from the two fighters. A frown formed on the Knight’s face.

“Why did you give up? A little while longer and you would have had me,” Droveth asked confused picking up the small bag of credits that landed at his feet.

“Like I said you’re better than me at fighting,” Keiji replied drawing his pistols, “But…” A series of shots rang out from each slugthrower. Glass bottles shattered on the other end of the ring. Not a single shot missed.

“...I bet I’m still a better shot than you” Keiji finished as he spun his pistols in his hands. A smile grew across Droveth’s face as he drew his blaster. A little challenge never hurt right, Droveth thought as he took aim at a can that was resting on a dumpster.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 8 June, 2017 11:36 PM UTC

Syntax

Comma needed after an introductory phrase.

At first[,] the only sound was the gasp from the crowd as black enveloped the air. With that knowledge[,] he quickly turned around. At first[,] Droveth thought it was because he won, he then watched as Keiji stood up again shaking off the throw. At this rate[,] he would run out of energy and lose.

Awkward sentence. You list things but don’t connect it to an independent clause. I suggest making the first sentence the main clause. Something like “People were unable to see, fearing they would lose their bets or cheating might ensue.”

People unable to see, fears that people would lose bets, or cheating might ensue.

Run on sentence. Break this up or add something like ‘but’ or ‘and’

The ash in the air disrupted his ability to see clearly[.] [H]is montrals could help see slightly, but he tried something else. At first Droveth thought it was because he won, [but then he] watched as Keiji stood up again[,] shaking off the throw.

Delete the extra ‘to seeing’

His helmet went from seeing normally to seeing [] red.

No need to capitalize ‘armored’.

The [a]rmored figure gave a reactionary swing with his crimson blade, which only managed to graze his opponent.

No comma need there since ‘The Human’ does both the kicking and the watching. Also, this is an awkward sentence with the ‘had now done a swift kick’. Why not just say ‘The Human kicked his hand and watch’?

The Human had now done a swift kick to that hand[] and watched as the katana flew from the Togruta’s grasp and clattered to the ground.

This is the more appropriate preposition.

A gasp of shock fell [over] the crowd.

Comma needed after the main clause.

The Human smiled[,] knowing the crowd didn’t expect that to happen. Unbalanced, Keiji’s leg was thrown upwards knocking him down again. Hopefully[,] we can do this again someday,” [t]he leader said slowly backing away from the two fighters.

Use ‘then’ to denote the next thing in the sequence.

Cheers [then] roared from the crowd.

Comma needed before the aside.

The Togruta[,] though less formally trained than his opponent, would refuse to go down.

Repetition of the word ‘throw’. I’d suggest removing the last entry of ‘throw’ as it is superfluous.

Throw after throw he would simply rise, seemingly unharmed[].

Awkward sentence. I’d suggest something like ‘Droveth asked in confusion, picking up…’.

Droveth asked confused picking up the small bag of credits that landed at his feet.

Comma before the end of the quotation mark if you plan to continue it as one sentence. Or it would be a period of you wanted it by itself. Either way, you need punctuation.

“...I bet I’m still a better shot than you[,]” Keiji finished as he spun his pistols in his hands.

This thought is missing a comma and a question mark.

A little challenge never hurt[,] right[?]

Realism

Droveth has no endurance so he would have tired out by now. He hates stairs. He won’t be throwing a big Togruta around this many times. A misapplication of the skill, so a minor realism ding.

The hell is he made of, Droveth thought as he assumed his throwing stance again. The Togruta though less formally trained than his opponent, would refuse to go down. Throw after throw he would simply rise, seemingly unharmed by each throw. The Human slowly grew worried. At this rate, he would run out of energy and lose.

Story

Nice descriptor.

Some of the settled ash was now kicked up into the sky again.

I like the ending. A nice friendly fight and you continued the story a bit. Good job.

“Like I said you’re better than me at fighting,” Keiji replied drawing his pistols, “But…” A series of shots rang out from each slugthrower. Glass bottles shattered on the other end of the ring. Not a single shot missed.