Ranger Tisto Kingang vs. Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Ranger Tisto Kingang

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Juggernaut, Sentinel
vs.

Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Marauder
Comment

Not a bad story, gentleman, though it relied more on slicing at one another than giving any sort of reason for it. Droveth, you let Tisto control the story entirely and did little to build on it, though your posts were easy to follow and had inventive uses of both Force powers and aspects.

Tisto, you gave no reason for the combat up until post three, in which you finally state that Droveth was trying to defend the man you then murdered. A questionable action for a Jedi which isn't really backed up by any of your Aspects. Also, you misused several words or misspelled them in your second post, as well as your consistent misunderstanding of to/too, I suggest you work closely with your proofer and read up on that.

Droveth you caught a couple of realism hits, understanding the effectiveness of your style against a training Form as well as the misunderstanding with Iron Skin, as explained in the comments for your second post. Your command of grammar helped carry you, though.

With a score of 4 to 3.2 I declare Droveth Kathera Vectivi as the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Tisto Kingang, Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi
Winner Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kalsunor: Massassi Arena
Last Post 16 June, 2017 5:02 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You had just enough issues in your first post to keep you from a 5, though your second post was clean. Rationale: Repeated issues with to and too, a few commas that shouldn't be there.
Story - 40%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post, while heavy on action, did little to advance the story. Your ending was a bit underwhelming, but the lead up to it was pretty solid. Rationale: While you started well enough in your first post, you gave no reason for a conflict between the two characters.
Realism - 25%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The difference between a Form 0 practitioner and an Ataru user should have been more evident in your first post. Misunderstanding of how Iron Skin works hurt you a bit at the end, though the fatigue helped keep you in the 4 range, so good on ya. Rationale: The roaring lightsaber hurt you a bit. The exchange in your second post, as noted in the comments, had an effect on your score here.
Continuity - 20%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Species naming needs to be consistent, as noted in the comments of your posts. No issues outside of this. Rationale: Species naming needs to be consistent, as noted in the comments of your posts. No issues outside of this.
Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Score: 4.0 Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.2
Posts

Kalsunor Massassi Arena

Elevated over a ravine, the Massassi Arena has withstood the tests of time. It is arranged in a circular formation and made by a slab of stone that connects the opposite slopes of the ravine. On its eastern side, the floating arena leads to a staircase and into a near-vertical cliff face. Because of its nearly unsupported vantage that overlooks a several hundred-meter fall, even the smallest creatures can feel the occasional motion the platform makes as the breeze brushes across its cold surface.

Adding to the adrenaline rush of standing within the slab’s concentric patterns carved into the rock, barriers and obstacles echo the Massassi’s commitment to taking every advantage over their opponents. Pillars ring the outer edge without guard rails between them, some remaining intact and others having toppled into the arena or over the perilous heights. Weeds and other fauna cover each surface as nature seeks to reclaim the ravine and eventually send the arena itself to the depths.

A creaky rope-bridge leads away towards another ancient suspended platform with the same weathered, upturned stones. Mossy footing, and uneven ground make each of these platforms unique in small subtle ways. While there is no seating for formal spectators, the ancient stones of the Massassi Arena hold an omniscient, aged wisdom that speak to the things they have seen and the battles fought through history.

A third rope-bridge leads to yet another platform, completing the triad of battlegrounds that make up the Massassi Arena.

The human dashed across the rope bridge as if his life depended on it. He could hear the roar of a swoop behind him, and pushed himself towards the far end of the arena, hoping to hide behind one of the pillars. He looked back seeing the swoop bike and its rider leap over the gap. The man shouted for help, hoping someone could come to his aid. He gave another look at the bike, and saw its rider dismount.


Tisto looked at the person he had been chasing. Some part of him felt sorry for what was about to happen. After all, the human was clearly terrified. The biker sighed to himself and reached down to his saber. He heard a blaster leave its holster and rolled to the side as the human shot. Tisto called on the Force, pulling his left hand back ripping the blaster from the human, sending it over the arena's edge. "The more you fight the worse this will be for you," Tisto said.

"I can pay you a lot of credits if you let me go," the man pleaded. "I have the money after all. You know I do."

"Money you took from a bar full of aliens you killed," the Kiffar said, his eyes looking a light hazel. He activated his saber, the crimson blade coming to life with a roar of its own. "Jumping might be a cleaner death for you, hutt-spawn."

The man stopped short, weighing his options. "Frak you, you alien sleemo," he said. "I hope you are killed and left in a ditch."

Tisto approached the man slowly, seeing the man tense up upon being called a hutt-spawn. "Xenophobic laserbrain," Tisto said when he got to the man.

The human attempted to punch the biker, only for Tisto to bring his saber up in a single simple motion, removing the hand. The Kiffar grabbed the human by the throat, then brought the hilt of the saber down on his nose before shoving him too the ground. A blaster bolt struck the ground near Tisto, and the biker turned. On the other side of one of the rope bridges was a tall, bald human. Tisto felt that he looked familiar but couldn't put his finger on it. Probably an associate of this xenophobe he thought. After all who else would try to stop Tisto.

The Kiffar brought his saber to bear, blocking another shot. He saw the man drop his blaster and pull out another item, activating it. A green blade ignited, identifying the weapon as a lightsaber. Tisto readied himself for this new comer to charge.

Both of these fools would be better served by jumping down now, Tisto thought too himself as the new human moved across the bridge. The Kiffar rushed in to meet him, blocking the incoming strike, resulting in a saber lock.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:11 PM UTC

Both of these fools would be better served by jumping down now, Tisto thought too himself as the new human moved across the bridge.

Again, mis-using 'to' versus 'too'.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:14 PM UTC

Alright, this was a curious start to the fight, you don't often see a battle begin with assaulting an NPC, but that's not a bad thing.

You had some minor syntax issues, as noted in the above comments, as well as the species name issue.

While you established a start to the conflict between Tisto and Droveth, you didn't give any reasoning behind it, at all. Tisto, in the middle of apprehending what appears to be a criminal, is fired upon by a Clan mate and fellow Light-path Jedi, unprovoked. This hurt your Story score a little.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:10 PM UTC

Tisto readied himself for this new comer to charge.

Minor syntax error here, 'newcomer' is one word.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 12:54 PM UTC

He gave another look at the bike, and saw its rider dismount.

Got an extra comma here, when you have something concerning the subject, in this case, the first part of the sentence, and you only have ONE bit (the rider dismounting), you don't require a comma. If it had been, say, 'He gave another look at the bike, and saw its rider dismount and draw a weapon' it would have been correct.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 12:58 PM UTC

Tisto called on the Force, pulling his left hand back ripping the blaster from the human, sending it over the arena's edge.

Grammatically speaking this is totally and completely correct. So no syntax ding here, and I'm not going to give you a story one because I can clearly see what you were doing. Just a suggestion for the future to make things easier to follow:

After 'pulling his left hand back' I'd have used either a comma or an 'and' to clearly show the difference in action, or, the cause and effect. Again, no penalty here, just a suggestion to help you out in the future.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:01 PM UTC

Tisto called on the Force, pulling his left hand back ripping the blaster from the human, sending it over the arena's edge.

"Money you took from a bar full of aliens you killed," the Kiffar said, his eyes looking a light hazel.

You're gonna get a minor Continuity penalty here, and I'll explain why. While there is no set right or wrong for capitalizing the name of a species, you do need to be consistent in it. In this case, you didn't capitalize 'human' which came before Kiffar, which means you should be using 'kiffar' instead. Consistency is key in this regard, I believe I dinged one of your opponents in another fight for this as well.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:03 PM UTC

He activated his saber, the crimson blade coming to life with a roar of its own.

Minor realism, 'roar' is a bit much for a lightsaber, they don't make a whole lot of noise when they turn on. If there's a reason your's does, it should be outlined in the weapon itself, aspect-wise.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:04 PM UTC

The Kiffar grabbed the human by the throat, then brought the hilt of the saber down on his nose before shoving him too the ground.

Minor syntax, too means another or also, multiples. To would have been the proper word usage.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:09 PM UTC

A blaster bolt struck the ground near Tisto, and the biker turned.

I'm torn on calling this a warning shot or you just ignoring your own +2 to Precognition, a passive ability. Tisto should have felt the attack coming a few moments beforehand, though he would have been focused on the human before him and thus likely not able to react to it. You don't have to bring up the power, but it would make your Story stronger by using the options you have on your sheet.

It also would have given you a good moment to write something concerning Lightning Reflexes, which would have also strengthen your story and gave the action more urgency.

Sparks showered down onto the wooden planks as the two lightsabers locked. Droveth recoiled slightly from the force, adjusting his footing to maintain balance on the swinging bridge. He kept an eye on the human victim, who sat motionless on the center platform, mouth agape in shock. The Kiffar before him grunted as he pushed harder onto his blade, sending a fresh wave of sparks into the air. His hazel eyes glimmered in the sunlight, never breaking gaze from the Knight.

'This man seems familiar..' The Jedi thought to himself, surveying his opponent. 'His blade is red, but I don't feel as though he is an enemy. He was certainly hurting that man.' The Kiffar seemed to sense the Knight's examination, sending renewed pressure onto the lightsabers.

Droveth simultaneously pushed forward and stepped back, creating a gap to strike. He spun the blade around behind his back, ducking as he struck high and left. The attacker brought his lightsaber up with ease, parrying the blow and countering with a slice down. Droveth sidestepped and pushed off of the Kiffar's blade arm, kicking his forward leg and causing him to stumble. The human seized the opportunity and slid behind the attacker, now with his back to the center of the arena.

As the crimson-bladed Kiffar recovered, Droveth began stringing his attacks together in quick succession. Strike after strike, the Knight came from all angles, each quicker than the last. His opponent kept a keen eye on his blade, blocking each blow carefully. As he blocked them, however, he began to slide backwards. Fragments of wood and stone clattered off the bridge into the chasm below. The human could feel the fatigue setting in, but the attacker seemed to be slowing.

Droveth realized too late that he had been setting a trap. The Kiffar had pooled his energies into his free hand, balling it into a fist. The Knight stopped mid swing and threw his arm out in front of his face, making sure to maintain a firm grip on his hilt with his word hand. A blinding light erupting from his fingertips as the Kiffar slammed his fist into Droveth's chest. He soared back through the air, landing with a crash into the center of the arena. The attacker dropped to his knees and set his blade beside him, holding his hands to his face and shaking his dreadlocks.

The human rolled to his side, forcing his eyelids open. He could see that the opponent was momentarily incapacitated, but he was in no better shape. Feet from him now lay the victim, too scared to move even when both threats were seemingly eliminated. Closing his eyes, he willed the Force throughout his body. The rest lasted for only a moment, has he heard the ignition of a lightsaber. Droveth opened his eyes again to see the Kiffar walking towards him, blade held out in front. He forced himself back to his feet and ignited his own. The light from the two blades danced along the stone as they collided again.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:17 PM UTC

He kept an eye on the human victim, who sat motionless on the center platform, mouth agape in shock. The Kiffar before him grunted as he pushed harder onto his blade, sending a fresh wave of sparks into the air.

Consistency is key, as mentioned in the comments for Tisto's post. If you don't capitalize one species name, in this case, 'human', you do not capitalize the other, such as 'Kiffar.'

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:19 PM UTC

Strike after strike, the Knight came from all angles, each quicker than the last.

Got a comma splice here, a semi-colon would serve you better.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:31 PM UTC

A blinding light erupting from his fingertips as the Kiffar slammed his fist into Droveth's chest.

You mixed tenses here a bit, using erupting when it should have been erupted, as everything in the paragraph before and after this bit was in the past tense.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:34 PM UTC

The rest lasted for only a moment, has he heard the ignition of a lightsaber.

'has he heard the ignition' was likely meant to start an 'as'

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:38 PM UTC

Droveth opened his eyes again to see the Kiffar walking towards him, blade held out in front.

Got another comma splice here, better served by a semi-colon or the addition of 'with blade' making it more correct and easier to read.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:43 PM UTC

A lot of good action here, easy to follow, but virtually no real story. Realistically, even with a level of difference between your two saber forms, Droveth should have had the upper-hand in the dueling.

The blinding and telekinetic punch were both well done, though I did have to reread to figure out which of you was using Blinding. Outside of the things noted in the comments, this was a pretty good post, all around.

Tisto pushed against Droveth, holding his blade in a two handed grip. The man was every bit as strong as the biker, but Tisto could see subtle differences in the way they fought already. Tisto used their relative stillness to kick out, pushing his foot against the Knights stomach. Unbalanced by the sudden push, Droveth moved backwards, keeping his feet under him while breaking the saber lock.

Tisto followed that up by calling on the Force, gathering it in his left hand, while at the same time he used his opponents movement to launch himself towards the man he had been chasing. A single swing of his crimson blade cut the man across his chest, killing him. Tisto then pushed out with his left hand, using the Force to shove Droveth further back. The Knights feet scrapped across the ground as he was pushed back several meters. He had felt the attack coming and acted on it, making sure he was steadily grounded.

"Murderer!" Droveth shouted, thinking back to New Tython. "I won't let you get away with this!"

Tisto threw himself towards the Knight, slashing downward with his saber. "Oh yes," Tisto said sarcastically as the sabers clashed again before both combatants pulled their sabers back. "I am a filthy murderer. All I did was kill a xenophobic mass murderer. The horror."

Droveth went on the offensive, getting faster with each strike. One downward strike, two diagonal cuts, followed by an upward strike all met the crimson saber of his foe, their speed matched by simplistic movements. Red clashed on green as every blocked strike angered the Knight. Yet for every blocked strike the Kiffar never struck back, focusing on defense. Tisto was watching every movement, noting several techniques he had never learned, and focused on figuring out how and when to counter. The biker struggled not to smile at the antics of his attacker. The human was on an offensive dervish, leaving massive gaps that he covered by speed a lone.

"Damn darksider!" Droveth called out as he readied another strike.

Tisto brought his saber in line yet again, this time pushing into another saberlock instead of a strait block. "Do you even know the man you tried to protect?!" Tisto yelled back, hoping to startle the fool into not dying. Besides, if he knew the man he was defending there was no way he could think Tisto was the bad guy here. "Way to defend a dead killer. Tell me something do you do this often?"

The Knight looked at Tisto in disgust. "You think you can trick me? I know your kind. Your kind destroyed my home, killed millions."

"It's obvious you think I am someone I am not," Tisto replied now calm. "I'd say it was nice knowing you, but it wasn't." With that Tisto pulled away, breaking the saberlock, and got ready to strike.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:55 PM UTC

Tisto followed that up by calling on the Force, gathering it in his left hand, while at the same time he used his opponents movement to launch himself towards the man he had been chasing.

The first part of this was fine, though it had no effect on the second bit. The second part doesn't make much sense. Droveth was pushed off balance; it's not clear how this affected Tisto's ability to move. It also wasn't very clear what you were trying to accomplish, naming the NPC as 'man' wasn't very helpful. 'The thief' or 'the xenophobe' or something like that would help the reader differentiate from you chasing Droveth.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 1:58 PM UTC

The Knights feet scrapped across the ground as he was pushed back several meters.

First, possessive, it was the Knight's feet, second scrapped isn't the word for the action you described, scraped is.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:05 PM UTC

Droveth went on the offensive, getting faster with each strike. One downward strike, two diagonal cuts, followed by an upward strike all met the crimson saber of his foe, their speed matched by simplistic movements. Red clashed on green as every blocked strike angered the Knight. Yet for every blocked strike the Kiffar never struck back, focusing on defense. Tisto was watching every movement, noting several techniques he had never learned, and focused on figuring out how and when to counter. The biker struggled not to smile at the antics of his attacker. The human was on an offensive dervish, leaving massive gaps that he covered by speed a lone.

Few issues in this paragraph.

  1. Tisto has a Perception of +1, him studying how his opponent fights is pretty unrealistic considering the speed of an Ataru user.
  2. Droveth has Duelist as an Aspect, he'd be studying Tisto, who's using a training form that would be overwhelmed by a learned +3 user of Ataru.
  3. You misspelled 'alone' at the end of the paragraph.

Simply put, if Tisto had tried to study the movements and style of Droveth, splitting his focus between defending himself and studying, he'd have been wounded several times during this exchange.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:10 PM UTC

Tisto brought his saber in line yet again, this time pushing into another saberlock instead of a strait block.

Straight block, strait isn't the word for this.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:12 PM UTC

"Do you even know the man you tried to protect?!" Tisto yelled back, hoping to startle the fool into not dying.

'hoping to startle the fool into not dying' makes little to no sense, no idea what you were trying to do here.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:14 PM UTC

You had some issues with your storytelling here, in flow and conveying what you meant, which knocked your overall story score down to a 3.

Some spelling errors and words hurt you as well.

Your paragraph of combat, as lined out in the comment above, hurt your realism score as well.

This post could have benefitted from a more thorough proofing.

Energy was draining from the young Knight, and he knew he could not sustain the combat for much longer. He had to incapacitate his opponent and secure him for arrest. Muscle memory had taken over, each swing coming in a predictable pattern. The Kiffar had no trouble knowing where the blow would come, but the speed continued to grow.

"Murder is not justice!" Droveth shouted, striking up at the attacker. He parried it with ease, but the Human pushed his blade away and laid a shoulder into his chest. Air shot out of his lungs as the Kiffar stumbled backwards. The Knight crouched down and pulled on what energy he had left. He locked eyes with his opponent, moving his arms out to one side. Then he swung with all his might, aiming a force strike for his opponent's left temple.

The blow barely made the Kiffar flinch, and Droveth dropped to his knees. He had used what energy he had left to finish the fight with one strike, and it had done nothing. It took everything in him to keep his eyes open. His hilt was laid on the ground beside him. The Kiffar had recovered, and walked over to the fallen Knight.

"I tried to warn you." He sighed as he raised his lightsaber. Their eyes met one more time as he brought the hilt of the blade down on Droveth's head. The last thing the human remembered was the taste of blood and sand. The opponent shook his head and returned his saber to his belt. He walked over and emptied his victim's pockets, turned one last time to look at the Knight, and then headed towards his swoop.

Droveth awoke to the dark of night and the howls of predators. He turned over, wiping the blood and sweat from his face. He could feel the burn on his skin from lying in the sun, but his whole body was sore. The Kiffar, his swoop, and the body of the victim were long gone. He looked down and saw his hilt beside him. It appeared his opponent had left it.

"Who are you?" He asked to the night as he ventured back to his ship.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:20 PM UTC

Then he swung with all his might, aiming a force strike for his opponent's left temple.

The blow barely made the Kiffar flinch, and Droveth dropped to his knees.

Not entirely certain what you were going for here. Were you using telekinesis? If that is the case, you need to capitalize Force when doing so. Good description of your fatigue, an often overlooked aspect of combat.

As for the 'barely made the Kiffar flinch', this is a misunderstanding, I believe, in how Iron Skin works. This crops up from time to time and is being addressed in the next round of wiki updates and feat descriptions. Iron Skin keeps the person's stance from changing; it keeps them upright, it does not negate the damage taken. Keep that in mind in the future.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 16 June, 2017 2:24 PM UTC

Outside of what I stated in the comment above, this was a well written, if short and somewhat underwhelming post. Your ending wasn't bad, but it seemed a bit anticlimactic after everything.