Commander Dek Ironius II vs. Battlemaster Evelynn Wyrm

Commander Dek Ironius II

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Loyalist, Director, Imperial
vs.

Battlemaster Evelynn Wyrm

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Human, Sith, Sorcerer
Comment

Congrats on finishing your first match in the Phase I event.

This was an interesting situation where you were thrown into a venue that wasn't favorable to either of you and then you had characters that didn't exactly play off each other well. So, you were left to get those squares to fit through those triangular holes!

There was a good attempt at trying to craft an interesting encounter beyond slashy-slashy vs. pew pew and a major attempt to utilize your Droids without drifting into deus ex machina with them. While nothing stood out as utterly gripping, the competence on display in the little areas brought about the determination in this bout.

That is to say, the basics won the day.

Dek, I recommend you look at the flow of your posts and how easy they are for a reader to follow. Beyond this, remember the focus has to be on the "combat" between them. Also, try to wrap things up neatly at the end.

Evelynn, you appear to have a grip of the standard narrative structure and your writing can be followed, but I recommend aiming higher for something to really grip and engage the reader. It would also help to truly define your character through Custom Aspects at some point. The pre-written can only do so much.

With the scores tallied, Evelynn Wyrm wins.

Good luck in the rest of the event.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Commander Dek Ironius II, Battlemaster Evelynn Wyrm
Winner Battlemaster Evelynn Wyrm
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Commander Dek Ironius II's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Evelynn Wyrm's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 28 June, 2017 9:58 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Sage Enzo Dek Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Issues repeated throughout and issues with how readable the posts were as a result. Repetition was the biggest offender aside from the structure. Rationale: Some issues throughout but mostly structured. Comma usage was the biggest offender.
Story - 40%
Sage Enzo Dek Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: To be honest, I would consider this a "low" 3 in terms of scoring. It was very difficult to follow the flow of your posts and what was going on. You also didn't add much in the way of story to the match. While the ending was abrupt, your structure at least held to the beginning/middle/end format. Rationale: You worked to provide a reason for the conflict but there wasn't much inspiring or gripping about the writing itself. A few portions were confusing but the flow could be followed. You had the full beginning/middle/end structure which is the biggest requirement before delving into hooks.
Realism - 25%
Sage Enzo Dek Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: It is important to remember that in an ACC match, your Droid only has access to the weapons on your Loadout. Rationale: It is important to remember that in an ACC match, your Droid only has access to the weapons on your Loadout.
Continuity - 20%
Sage Enzo Dek Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None of note. Rationale: None of note.
Sage Enzo Dek's Score: 3.65 Evelynn Wyrm's Score: 3.8
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

“Another,” Evelynn gestured toward the bartender, handing him the empty glass. She had been waiting for what seemed like a lifetime, and decided to bide her time by drinking some ale at the local cantina.

Everything about this mission was strange, starting with the fact she was sent by her Proconsul instead of Sanguinius himself, which was a first. She was to meet up with a certain individual who would convey information about a person of interest to her Clan. Why that individual chose this god forsaken city of all places was even more strange.

She felt a touch on her shoulder as her hand started toward one of the lightsabers tucked on her belt, hidden from plain sight by her cloak.

“No need for hostilities, we’re here to talk. Evelynn Wyrm, I presume?”

The Battlemaster nodded, adjusting her chair slightly to face the newcomer. The man was quite a bit older than her, wearing what seemed to be an official First Order uniform.

“You definitely took your time,” the Quaestor said, clearly annoyed. “I was just about to leave.”

“Yes… well… preparations took longer than expected,” the man replied. “Commander Dek Ironius II, pleased to meet you. Would you be so kind as to follow me outside? This conversation isn’t fit for a cantina.”

Cautiously, the Sith stood up and made her way to the exit, followed closely by the Commander. As they stepped outside, Wyrm found herself in front of two men dressed in stormtrooper armor bearing the mark of Clan Scholae Palatinae.

This ought to be good, she thought, rolling her eyes visibly.

“We’ve received troubling information about your fellow Quaestor, Kojiro. It seems he is working with the Inquisitorius, and a reliable source tells us his next target is your very own master, Morax Darkblade,” Ironius began. “We were wondering if you could tell us about his whereabouts so we can ensure his safety.”

“Darkblade can take care of himself. Besides, how do I know you aren’t out to kill him yourself? You’re wasting your time if you think I would give my master up so easily.” The Battlemaster’s attention shifted upward to a balcony about twenty meters away from their position. She simply nodded, then turned her attention back to Dek.

“I didn’t want it to come to this. I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me for interrogation. Take her to…” the Palatinae couldn’t finish his sentence before he had to roll to his side to avoid blaster fire coming from an unknown source. Next to him, one of his soldiers’ lifeless bodies fell to the floor. He found shelter behind the large brass sign marking the entrance to the cantina.

Evelynn, however, knew exactly what was happening. She extended her right hand forward, feeling the Dark Side of the Force consume her as the trooper’s boots left the ground and his body was levitated into the air. In only a few seconds, the hypertonus caused by the struggle to breathe became limpness. Wyrm let her grip go, and the body fell next to his colleague’s.

“Observation: That went well. Shall I dispose of the important one as well?” HK-47 inquired from the balcony. If he wasn’t a droid, Evelynn was sure he’d have a smug smile on his face.

“I’m not finished with him yet. You’re dismissed, meet me back at the platform. Good job HK.”

The Battlemaster turned back toward the Palatinae, only to see his body replaced by a grenade. Quickly covering her face with her cloak, she began to run just as the sonic grenade exploded, knocking her off her feet and dazing her momentarily.

Darth Renatus, 29 June, 2017 12:04 AM UTC

Syntax

She had been waiting for what seemed like a lifetime, and decided to bide her time by drinking some ale at the local cantina.

The comma here is unnecessary and a common error that hits just about everyone.

She felt a touch on her shoulder as her hand started toward one of the lightsabers tucked on her belt

Unless there was something tipping Evelynn off, the hand moving towards the saber would follow as a result of the touch on her shoulder, not simultaneously as implied by "as her hand".


Story

She was to meet up with a certain individual who would convey information about a person of interest to her Clan.

This is excessively vague from a story perspective, especially considering how short these posts are limited to.


Realism

You have no blasters on your Loadout and yet depict your droid utilizing one in this post. As per the ACC guide for Droid use, you can only equip it with weapons that are on your Loadout. As such, it wouldn't have a blaster to use because you don't have one equipped.

Dek ran into the hydrostatic bubble elevator, hearing the explosion go off behind him. He quickly hit the 'up' control and started moving up slowly. He eyed his opponent who got up, and coughed a bit before staring him down equally.

He opened his commlink, "Gorona," he called to his Gungan ally, "tell the Captain that the Sith is becoming rowdy."

"Ohva koorsa!" Responded the Gungan female.

Dek stopped the elevator, watching Evelynn walk towards the elevator. Around the large bubble, eight Gungan soldiers armed with long electrostaffs, riding kaadus rode towards the Sadowan. The Commander was happy that he had spoken to the Bosses first before approaching Evelynn Wyrm.

This Scholaean is more prepared than I had perceived, thought Evelynn.

She reached out her hands and burst lightning bolts towards the arriving kaadus. Slowly moving backwards to the other end of the bubble she heard a, "Halt!" No chance, she believed. When the kaadu slowed, she still occasionally sent out some bolts of lightning to intimidate the animals from approaching.

Dek was already returning down the elevator. He may have underestimated his opponent's strength, but he wasn't about to let his only chance at intel escape. The hydrostatic bubble opened to the large bubble again, "Evelynn!"

"Not so fast, coward." Dek slowed and didn't respond.

The Battlemaster continued, "I'm getting out of here. I'm not sure what deal you brokered with the Gungan miltia." Dek approached the rear ends of the kaadus, and slid to the front of one with his hands raised.

Evelynn sneered, "No doubt you've made a deal you can't keep. Such as the deal your quasi-Emperor made with our Clan."

"Mygeeto," Dek sighed, "Those were different times. The Emperor was different. He surrounded himself with different people. We both know the Iron Throne would have taken the loot from whomever was going to win. That is out shared struggle."

"Lies! You attempted to interrogate me not a single minute ago!"

Dek raised his hands slightly higher, moving forward, "I did. You also attempted to kill me. All I want is information. I can give you info in return."

"You have nothing I want. One of your best loyal fighters joined me in leading my house."

"Ironically, he's the one I have info about. Jurdan was loyal just as he is loyal to you now. But I need info."

Evelynn wasn't having it. "No, Palatinaean. This won't work out for you."

Dek immediately fell back behind the Gungans and simultaneously drew his blaster. A barrage of lightning came unto the kaadus, paralyzing a few of them in place. The others charged. The Quaestor stopped and threw her arm out, knocking one of the charging Gungans off of his kaadu at a distance. She threw her other hand, blocking the windpipe of another, forcing him to drop his weapons and grasp at his throat.

She then proceeded to leap forward while whipping both sabers into her hands and igniting them. Landing while swishing the sabers under the legs of a kaadu, she spun and stabbed the rider through his stomach. Dek let out a few bolts, and proceeded to turn to run around the ring.

He thought he could talk her down. The Aedile yelled, "Evelynn! Your Aedile swapped allegiances on a whim! What's will stop him from doing so yet again?!"

She felt an incoming attack behind her. Spinning and swiping, she clipped the electrostaff just as soon as it shocked her hand. She bit her lip and jumped into the air, kicking the wielder from his beast, beheading him as he fell.

Dek continued, "Your Clan can't stand against the will of the Iron Throne alone!"

Some of the soldiers started to back off, not wanting a quick death as some of their comrades had. The Battlemaster crossed her sabers as she walked towards Dek Ironius II, "We have enough allies to destroy the Iron Legion!"

Dek still aimed forward, moving backwards around the bubble, "You mean the Clan of Darth Vexatus, the exiled Sith Lord? And the Clan of Darth Ashen, the one who couldn't contain his own lust for power and indirectly brought about our current predicament?"

Evelynn pointed a saber at Dek, leaving the other one for defense against his potential bolts, "Your penchant for discussion helped end your system. It will be the end of..." She noticed a droid appear around the corner, armed with an electrostaff of his own. Dek spun around and ran to it, "9T9! Defend me!"

Darth Renatus, 29 June, 2017 12:17 AM UTC

Syntax

He quickly hit the 'up' control and started moving up slowly.

This is repetitious with your use of "up". You hit up and then go up. Change it a bit, such as "and started its ascent."

He opened his commlink, "Gorona," he called to his Gungan ally, "tell the Captain that the Sith is becoming rowdy."

This should be two sentences as it is structured here, replacing the comma with a period after "commlink".

"Ohva koorsa!" Responded the Gungan female.

This is the equivalent of "he said, she said". It's one sentence, not separate clauses, so you'd still use a lower case on "responded" even with the exclamation.

Dek stopped the elevator, watching Evelynn walk towards the elevator.

More repetition, use of "elevator". This is a repeated error in your post.

The Battlemaster continued, "I'm getting out of here. I'm not sure what deal you brokered with the Gungan miltia." Dek approached the rear ends of the kaadus, and slid to the front of one with his hands raised.

You should really separate the actions of one character from the dialogue of another. You do similar throughout and it makes your post very confusing to read.

That is out shared struggle.

Probably meant "our" here.


Story

The pacing was all over the place and I had a very difficult time keeping track of what was going on, where they were, and who was doing what.


Realism

She felt an incoming attack behind her. Spinning and swiping, she clipped the electrostaff just as soon as it shocked her hand. She bit her lip and jumped into the air, kicking the wielder from his beast, beheading him as he fell.

As per +1 Precognition, which is where Evelynn is at, "The Jedi is able to anticipate imminent danger to their person, but often not quick enough to do anything but get out of harm's way." While you still have Evelynn getting shocked in the hand, you had her perform a counter-attack which is contrary to this requirement.

She noticed a droid appear around the corner, armed with an electrostaff of his own.

Same issue that Evelynn had in the first post. This is from the ACC Guide: "As a Droid has no Loadout of its own, any weapons it uses are shared from the owner's active Loadout for the match."

The droid extended its right hand, bringing the electrostaff between itself and the Battlemaster. With a subtle buzz, the ends of the staff started channeling purple electricity as the Magnaguard made its way toward Evelynn. The Quaestor, however, did not wait for it to reach her. Inhaling deeply, she extended her left hand forward, holding her blade horizontally, while her right hand went above her head, the tip of her other lightsaber pointed directly at her opponent. The Sith closed her eyes momentarily, letting the Force flow through her as she leaped into the air and toward her target, extending her right foot forward while twisting her body slightly to the same side, before crashing both blades into the electrostaff using her momentum to power the blow.

The IG-100, though fully prepared for the attack, was forced to take a step back, his once horizontal electrostaff now in a vertical position. Evelynn dove once again, this time using her left hand to deliver a lateral-upward strike, closely followed by the right. The first strike hit the bottom part of the droid's staff, the strength of the blow moving it sideways and exposing 9T9's left side just as the other saber connected with its torso, slicing it clean in half.

The speed at which the battle was over took Dek by surprise. He stood, paralyzed, his blue eyes fixated on his severed droid companion.

“Any last words, Commander?” Evelynn asked, standing up straight and turning of her lightsabers, clipping them to her belt loosely, prepared to draw them again at any sign of hostility from the Palatinae.

“This is not how I pictured our encounter,” he replied with a flat voice, clearly disturbed about losing his last line of protection. “I was told you would comply. I was told you weren’t a mindless slave of our psychopath Grand Master.”

“Says the guy with his insignia on his comlink,” the Dakhani replied swiftly, her eyes gesturing toward the device strapped to Ironius’ belt. She had taken note of it the moment he introduced himself, but kept quiet to see how events would unfold. “You haven’t done your homework well enough, dear Sir.”

She stepped forward slowly, eyeing Dek’s wrinkled face. She wasn’t going to kill the Imperian, it would be too reckless considering the past between their two Clans. She did, however, intend to break him completely.

“Everything you have done, you have done to harm the ones you claim to support. Your whole life is a failure,” the Sadowan continued. “How many lives were lost on Judecca? How many lives have been lost by your reckless disregard of your personnel in your ‘diplomatic’ endeavours?”

Ironius II lifted his head up slightly to look at the Sith creeping up on him. His mind was a complete mess, as if something had scrambled his brain and left it to rot. “I didn’t… It wasn’t my fault… I just…”

Everything was your fault! You dare speak to me about Jurdan? Kojiro? Their loyalty to our Clan, to me, are unquestionable. You dare come and try to turn my closest allies against me?” A smile showed on the Battlemaster’s face. She had gotten to him, and it felt good. Unclipping one of her lightsabers, she ignited it and, with a precise swing, grazed the Commander’s left cheek ever so slightly, adding a fresh wound to the existing scars. Dek gritted his teeth, pain spreading through his face, yet he was still unable to move.

“Go back to your Inquisitorius. Go tell them that their reign of terror is over, and that Naga Sadow is not afraid.”

Evelynn Wyrm turned her lightsaber off and headed into the corridor leading back past the cantina toward the landing pads. Bentre would have some explaining to do.

Darth Renatus, 29 June, 2017 12:25 AM UTC

Syntax

The Sith closed her eyes momentarily, letting the Force flow through her as she leaped into the air and toward her target, extending her right foot forward while twisting her body slightly to the same side, before crashing both blades into the electrostaff using her momentum to power the blow.

Besides the fact this is technically missing a comma at the end between "electrostaff" and "using her momentum", this is a comma explosion. Generally, if you find yourself using more than two in any given sentence you are probably using too much and want to look at restructuring. This hurts your flow and occurs in much of your action based writing.

Imperian

Should be "Imperial".


Story

While I get the story style points you were going for with this ending, it doesn't jive well with the Aspects on Evelynn's character sheet. This can sometimes be the downside of using the stock Aspects. Most notably, Natural Born Killer and Executioner. Both of these play into the fact that Evelynn likes to kill and will make sure to quickly end her opponents. When coupled with Lone Wolf there isn't much to show such a devotion to Clan Naga Sadow that she wouldn't just kill her opponent, especially once declaring him an Inquisitorius, and would instead finish him off.

It comes across as odd, mostly, rather than an outright contradiction. You don't have anything saying straight up you will always kill, but it doesn't play well with the character as outlined.

9T9 started in a full run towards Evelynn. She brought up her sabers as the towering IG-100 droid activated his electrostaff and twirled it in a flurry meant to intimidate his opponent. Dek retreated behind the droid, while Evelynn brought her sabers forth in an onslaught towards 9T9. She slammed her left saber towards his arm, he parried and didn't attack. She stabbed her attack saber at his torso and he deflected it. The hum of both staff and saber whirled in defensively and offensively.

zhzhzhzhzhzhiimmmm

Too close, thought Evelynn. She pressed a few grazes onto 9T9's metallic limbs, but nothing harmful. She leaped back and arranged herself in a counter-attack, but the droid did not follow. He stayed behind defending his master.

Dek raised his hands again and strode quickly behind his droid, "Attacking me will give you no escape. The gungans are probably at your ship right now."

The Sith disengaged her sabers and put them away. Dek whispered something to his droid and he shut down his staff. Evelynn responded, "They will meet the opposite end of my droid's blaster rifle. He would not allow such a viola..." she was interrupted by 9T9 engaging his electrostaff.

They all looked up to a balcony and there was Evelynn's HK droid. Dek quipped, "You were saying?"

"I told you to return to the ship!" Evelynn shouted.

"I did," retorted HK, "I heard the commotion and decided I would still follow your orders of sending an assassin droid back from a potential fight. I approached the pad and then returned here hoping that these slosh-buckets hadn't killed you."

"All I want is info," Dek said, "I don't want to kill you. I don't want to die. Info. That's it."

"Jurdan Krennal?" Evelynn sighed.

Dek paused and smiled. He took a deep breath, "...and Kojiro."

Evelynn started to reach for her sabers. Dek spoke quickly, "Wait! Kojiro was the underling of Darth Ashen. Darth Ashen might know of places where a Grand Master could retreat to."

Evelynn chuckled, pulling her hands back to her sides, "Darth Ashen wouldn't answer to you!"

"Hence, Kojiro. Jurdan is revenge. Kojiro is the prize."

The Battlemaster pursed her lips. "Why a Grand Master?"

"The same reasons for the Lotus, Taldryan, and even the Sadowans."

"You want to confront Pravus?"

"Me? No. Interested parties who are capable? Yes."

"What do you get in return?"

"Favors...trust...intelligence..."

Evelynn pulled out a datapad and pressed some buttons, "Call off the gungans and 9T9. We escape. You have a deal."

Dek holstered his blaster, pulled out a communicator, and whispered into it. The gungan soldiers retreated elsewhere. 9T9 stayed.

"9T9 as well."

"He stays just as HK is." Dek responded.

Evelynn squinted. She could have risked all and gotten out alive, or she could have dealt with Dek...

The Quaestor slid the datapad across the ground close to 9T9. Dek pulled out his blaster and a data disk. He slid past his droid. He inched closer to the datapad on the ground. Within arm's reach of the assassin pad, he threw his disk into the air and immediately fell to the ground picking up the datapad. 9T9 already stepped in front of Dek when a few blaster rounds from HK hit 9T9's head. His red eyes shutdown, but his body was still active.

Dek looked up and Evelynn was bringing the datadisk with the Force down into her hands. She was holding out her other hand......

Dek felt a washing loneliness surround him. Cold, dark sensations pumped slow in his veins. Eyes darting, he saw the gungans laugh at him. He saw the woman in front.

Ev...Evel...Who are you?

He shook his head, a blue tinge covering his eyelids. The...datadisk....

And my...my mission....intel...my mind....lose...losing

Dread sunk into Dek. An anchor in a frozen cyclone.

A blaster was in his sweaty palm. He tugged the weapon up and pulled the trigger. The lone bolt sliced through the woman's shin, and it all came rushing back.

He lifted his hand with the disk in it, "I...I could kill you here. But I have...what I want. 9T9...to me!"

The droid immediately dove off the balcony to Dek.

"HK! To the ship!" Evelynn stood up with the datadisk and hobbled to the elevator, HK close behind her.

"Let them pass," Dek spoke into a communicator. "We...we got it." He felt his head, numbing slightly from the aftereffects.

Darth Renatus, 29 June, 2017 12:31 AM UTC

Syntax

The hum of both staff and saber whirled in defensively and offensively.

You close out with two modifiers but connected them to "whirled" with "in". This is disjointed and leaves this sentence's flow utterly broken.

Beyond this, the way you structured the dialogue and actions throughout this post were very confusing to follow.


Story

Your ending is very abrupt and not really an ending. There's no real conclusion. Evelynn runs off and he just says to allow them to pass. Where is the conclusion? He just feels his head and then it's over. This leaves your reader asking "what just happened"? Add to that the distinct lack of combat, save for a single paragraph at the beginning and then Terror into a single shot at the end, this just leaves us with a completely unsatisfying post.