GRD Kor Vaal vs. ACO Zagro Fenn

Guardian Kor Vaal

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Kel Dor, Krath, Seeker
vs.

Acolyte Zagro Fenn

Novitiate 4, Novitiate tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Hapan, Krath, Shadow
Comment

This was a very, very good fight between two Journeyman who I believe are taking their first crack at the new ACC. Very impressed overall with the writers talents, and most of my comments are nit-picky and detail oriented things that are easily fixable with some practice and more experience.

This match came down, ultimately, to the distracting technical writing errors in Kor Vaal's post (despite good imagery), and two examples of continuity errors. The story's were both good and pushed even for me, and while Zagro had a few realism misteps, his writing has less errors.

Any questions, find me on IRC or let me know. I enjoyed looking over this match and look forward to reading more of your guys work. Keep it up!

-W

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants GRD Kor Vaal, ACO Zagro Fenn
Winner ACO Zagro Fenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
GRD Kor Vaal's Character Snapshot Snapshot
ACO Zagro Fenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 1 July, 2014 7:40 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Mystic Kor Vaal Mauro Wynter
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple syntax issues that detracted from readability, but not to the point of major detraction. Rationale: Few grammar errors, but nothing that distracted from reading.
Story - 40%
Mystic Kor Vaal Mauro Wynter
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: See comments Rationale: See comments
Realism - 25%
Mystic Kor Vaal Mauro Wynter
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Good use of CS's, no issues here. Rationale: You do some things really well with regards to the character sheets. The only thing that knocks you down is the use of bladed weapons.
Continuity - 20%
Mystic Kor Vaal Mauro Wynter
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Two instances of continuity issues that were noticeable. Rationale: No issues
Mystic Kor Vaal's Score: 4.1 Mauro Wynter's Score: 4.2
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

From his vantage point high above the criss-crossing streets Kor Vaal gazed down at the sprawling rot that was Nar Shaddaa. The towers and spires which dotted the synthetic landscape seemed to reach up like skeletal arms, clawing at the twilight, almost like they were trying to escape the moons surface. Skiff's and speeders buzzed between the towers like flies around a wound. The Kel Dor scanned the crowds that passed below, attempting to catch sight of his quarry, or the acolyte that had already been assigned to the task. This was the place the intel report had said was best to observe the target, an information broker who had been dealing in secrets from the palace on Judecca. He was due to pass below soon, and Kor Vaal concentrated on finding the man.
“I'm more than capable of handling this assignment.”
Kor Vaal turned at the sudden sound, his dagger drawn from his robe, ready to strike. A dark haired, bronze skinned figure crouched against the wall of the tower.
“How long have you been there Fenn?” Kor Vall demanded.
“Longer than you've been here. Why'd they send you?”
“I am here to ensure you carry out the task properly acolyte.” Kor Vaal spat the word.
“I've been watching his habits for the past two days,” the Hapan retorted as he rose, “I know his routines and I know when to strike, which coincidentally is now.”
“Then we should proceed and eliminate him.”
“I work alone. Besides you'd stick out of the crowd too much in the cliché dark jedi clothes. Why don't you wait here and guard something,” Zagro began to descend a ladder to the level below, “I'll be back when it's done.”
Kor Vaal folded his arms, trying to keep his anger in check at the Hapans quip. “Be done quickly Zagro Fenn.” Fenn gave a dismissive wave as he rounded the corner on the gantry below and disappeared from sight. His fingers toying with the crystal that hung from his neck, Kor Vaal returned to his vigil.

Roughly two hours had passed when Zagro Fenn climbed back up the ladder to the overhanging ledge where Kor Vaal waited.
“It is done?”
“No blaster marks, no noise, just a knife to the ribs. Could have been done by anyone in this city. Are we done here?”
There was something in the Hapans tone that Kor Vaal couldn't quite read. Nervousness? Or just sobriety? He reached out to the acolyte with the Force.
“I said are we done-”
“You took something from him.” Kor Vaal interupted.
“What? Did you just probe me?”
“What did you take from him?”
“Who the frik do you think you are? Think you can just get in my-”
What did you take?
“Datapad,” came Fenn's response in a dream like voice. He shook his head, “You son of a...” his hands went to the dagger and knife at his waist.
“Give me the datapad,” Kor Vaal replied, extending his arm out to his side. He let the links of the chain whip fall through his fingers, the weighted bullet on the end swaying in the slight breeze.
“Oh, they didn't mention that part to you?” Zagro drew his weapons, “My assignment was to kill the informant and take the information he had on him back to Lucyeth. Guess you're not as trusted as you thought.”
“Give me the datapad.” Kor Vaal repeated, his rising anger coming through his tone. He began to spin his chain whip in tight arcs around him.
“Come and take it.”
“I will!” Kor Vaal screamed. He spun and brought the chain whip down, the bullet weight aimed straight for Zagro's head. Foreseeing the move just in time the Hapan dropped to one knee and crossed his daggers up crossed in front of him, catching the whip with a ring of steel on steel. Kor Vaal dragged his weapon back and spun again, sweeping his weapon in a wide arc. Zagro tried to bring his daggers to bare for another block, but misjudged the length of his opponents weapon, his daggers stopping the chain but allowing the weight to swing around his defense and into his right arm with enough force to make him lose his balance. He tumbled sideways off the ledge and clattered onto the gantry below. Kor Vaal went to the edge of the outcrop and looked over to see the acolyte spring to his feet. The Hapan winced as he glanced at his right arm, then back to the Kel Dor who loomed above him. A wry smile crossed Zagro's face, then he turned and ran further along the gantry. Kor Vaal leaped down and gave chase, not willing to lose sight of his opponent in a crowded street or a dark alley. Kor Vaal had already witnessed Zagro's ability to conceal himself, and didn't want to give the Hapan the opportunity to put a dagger in his back.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 13 July, 2014 4:37 AM UTC

Syntax:

From his vantage point high above the criss-crossing streets Kor Vaal gazed down at the sprawling rot that was Nar Shaddaa.

comma. Read the sentence out loud. You will naturally have to take breath after "streets", which is a good indication you need a comma.

The towers and spires which dotted the synthetic landscape

that dotted.

Lack of pagebreaks/spacing must be a copy paste error, I'm assuming, which can be fixed and noticed if you're checking the "Preview Post" option before posting. Formatting falls under syntax.

Other than the small grammar errors, the writing is actually very detailed and colorful with description.

"properly acolyte.”

Acolyte is a title/rank, so it should be capitalized. Goes for other instances as well.

Story:

Good job organically pointing out your opponents "Lone Wolf". Aspect. Good dialogue/character interaction to set up the focus of the fight.

Continuity:

You write him having "daggers", but he has a dagger, and a knife. Seems nit-picky, but there is a difference in design for the two weapons (daggers are designed for piercing, knives one-sided and meant for slicing, not that you can't do one or the other respectively).

The labyrinthine alleys of Nar Shaddaa were as an amorphous, sprawling playground for the Hapan. Zagro grew up on the outskirts of the capital city of the Hapes Consortium, and was no stranger to the vile and nefarious underbelly of a metropolis. He could neither see nor feel the approaching Kel Dor but Fenn knew he was almost upon him.

“Hideous sorcerer!”, Zagro swore under his breath. “Traitorous bastards probably colluded with the Yuuzhan Vong.”

The Acolyte leapt over a fallen pillar and entered a derelict skyscraper off of one of the cavernous alleys. Stopping only long enough to compose himself and shrug off the searing pain in his arm, Zagro let the bursting synapse of nerves crash over his body like a rogue wave onto an exposed shoreline. In this moment he spotted an exposed data-uplink and spiked in, trying errantly to find any semblance of a map or schematic of this sector of the endless city. After this brief reprieve he was on the run again.

When the whip caught him full across the back, Zagro doubled over and stumbled several paces. Kor Vaal was upon him with a fury Fenn had only seen in the heat of an infantry skirmish. Hurtling across the room the Hapan’s wayward flight was only concluded when a retaining wall buckled under his weight.

“Enough! This mission never stipulated we both needed to come back alive. Bringing you in dead is just as well as alive. Never leaving a brother behind requires nothing but a corpse laid to rest in the Imperial Winter Palace”, Vaal bellowed.

Zagro realized the Kel Dor harbored no intentions for him to return to Judeeca. It would be easy to surmise that the young Hapan had died in battle, or even easier to justify that he died with a bottle in one hand and a needle in the other.

“Your rage blinds you. Good. Use that you damn brute. I decimated scores of you alien savages during the Vong Crisis. One more means nothing to me. If I had it in my power I would eradicate your kind in the hatchling or whatever sort of incubation you things are born from.”

Force energy began to radiate from Kor Vaal. The critical moment to act was rapidly reaching its terminal phase. Zagro barely had time to regain his stance when Vaal lashed at him with the whip with all of his might. It was a wild arc, guided more by avarice and bloodlust than a tactical necessity. Raising his knife and dagger Zagro was able to catch the weighted counterbalance between the blades and clamp on with all of his mass. The two men were of equivalent weight and close stature. While Fenn flew backwards due to the overwhelming force of the strike his resistance and forward momentum sent Vaal tumbling forward.

The nanosecond of confusion was all the Hapan needed to make his escape. Sprinting with all of his resurgent stamina and diminishing searing pain from the acrobatics with Kor Vaal, Zagro lunged feet first through a crumbling floor section.

Kor Vaal was again moved by the exigency of blood thirst and came barreling through the floor with a rage that unnerved Zagro. Or rather, it would have if he were present to see it. Vaal looked around but could not see his opponent. The Kel Dor found himself in an antechamber with one exit. Barging forward with equal parts hate and desperation he realized he was now in a large industrial storage bay.

“Where in the name of the Force are you? I will smash your skull between my bare hands and bring your entrails back to Judeeca as a trophy!” The prideful words had their effect on Zagro, yet to be seen. “You have concealed yourself admirably. No matter. I am stronger in the Force than you Acolyte. I know you are here. There is only one way out and that is behind me.”

Vaal easily dodged the dagger as it clumsily flew past his visor. “Is that your plan, imbecile? Is it to blind me and take me apart piece-meal? Your last ditch effort is pitiful. Prepare to die Hapan.”

From against the far corner, hidden amongst overturned computer consoles and data uplinks Zagro emerged unarmed. “Guardian…you betray your diminutive bug brain…I hoped my dagger would damage your visor. However I staked my life on this…”, Zagro pressed his palm down on the nearest console.

Instantly a durasteel security door barred the exit, the onward rush of displaced air gave a crisp gust of stale, dead debris and dust.

“This will go down as the most futile death I have had the pleasure to inflict on an inferior”, Vaal stated matter-of-factly. “You have made my work easier. You will not leave this room now.”

Slowly picking up his knife in his right hand, Zagro kicked a fallen console. “I count on that Kel Dor. You see, the beauty of Hapes is its stark contrast from your home world. In my time as an infantry officer I had to learn a little something about alien physiology. My people are as blind as a mynock in the dark whereas your kind cannot handle bright ultraviolet rays. Do you know what this place was? No? I will tell you. You see Kel Dor I did not grow up with an honorable race. My father was murdered in front of me, forcing me to survive as a child as a criminal, a slicer to be exact. And this place, well Kel Dor, it was once a microprocessor fabrication facility used by some criminal enterprise no doubt. And you see…that requires exact precision…that only this type of room can provide.”

With those words, the ceiling slowly blinked into being. It was as if witnessing the birth of a star. Searing light blasted across the room granting the Hapan expert vision and clarity. The Kel Dor winced visibly. “Now, lets end this!” Zagro ran at his prey.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 13 July, 2014 4:56 AM UTC

“Hideous sorcerer!”, Zagro swore under his breath.

If you're going to use an exclamation point, you don't also need the comma. It's one or the other.

"Hurtling across the room the Hapan’s wayward flight was only concluded when a retaining wall buckled under his weight."

Comma needed. Read the sentence out loud and you'll see where it needs to go.

"Imperial Winter Palace”, Vaal bellowed."

Comma goes inside of the dialogue.

Story:

Great use of "The Sysem, Is Down" Feat to hack the door.

I don't like the exposition Fenn gives. It borderlines on cliche anime villain/hero explaining how they pulled of their stunt. He goes into his history a bit much, and I would have loved the whole dialogue to have been a bit more oraganic to the situation of a heated battle between two fighters.

Good plot advancement from what Kor set up in the first post. Good use of character Aspects in terms of telling the story, however...

Realism:

Raising his knife and dagger Zagro was able to catch the weighted counterbalance between the blades and clamp on with all of his mass.

Using two bladed weapons at once, even with +1 dual wielding, this would be hard to pull off with a +0 in bladed weapons.

Kor Vaal brought his hand down from his eyes, his goggles adjusting to the glare in time to see the kick coming towards his face, but not in time to do anything about it. The impact spun him round, and he connected hard with the wall of the small room, his chain whip falling from his hand. Zagro didn't relent in his attack, jabbing the Kel Dor in the face and landing a heavy punch to his chest. Winded, Kor Vaal fell to a crumpled heap on the floor.
“Your magic tricks are good,” the Hapan said, looming over his prone opponent, “but I was trained in one of the finest military traditions in the galaxy. This is over.”
Zagro Fenn drew his knife and raised it above his head, preparing to bring it down and deliver the killing blow. Kor Vaal rolled onto his side, his hand raised up pitifully to ward off the coming blow, the black metal goggles staring expressionlessly up at Zagro. Fenn smiled. He almost felt pity for the pathetic creature in front of him. His smile faded as he felt a slimy sensation begin to creep up his spine. His heart began to quicken. He felt the edges of his vision darken. He felt a burning on the back of his neck. He felt eyes were upon him. He felt like prey. He turned, and a cry of surprise and terror escaped from him as a Yuuzhan Vong warrior loomed over him. He slashed wildly at it with his knife, and the warrior faded like a dream. Realization dawned on Zagro.
He wasn't warding me off, he was conjuring that-
His thoughts were interrupted by the burning agony exploding from his calf as Kor Vaal dug his dagger deep into Zagro's leg. Kor Vaal tore the dagger downwards and the Hapan shrieked in pain, blood spraying from the gaping wound as his legs buckled beneath him and he crashed to the floor. Kor Vaal lost his grip on the blood slicked knife, but he didn't care, his anger focusing on making the acolyte suffer. He crawled atop the writhing form of Zagro, who tried to lash out with the knife still clutched in his hand, but Kor Vaal caught the wrist and gripped it tight. He raised his other hand high and filled it with all his anger, his hatred for this worm who thought himself greater, before bringing it crashing down into the Hapan's face. Blood erupted from his mouth and his grip loosened, the knife clattering to the floor. Kor Vaal glanced to the side and saw his chain whip. He stretched his hand out and the weapon flew to his waiting palm. He quickly wrapped it round Zagro Fenn's neck, and pulled with all his might. Terror crossed the acolytes face, and his arms tugged at the chain chocking him. Desperately he tried to claw at the Kel Dor astride him, but his strength was fading, his vision blurring. Kor Vaal felt like his chest was going to tear open with the strain, but he did not let up, his arms shaking violently with the effort of keeping the chain tight around his opponents neck.

Kor Vaal breathed heavily as he leaned against the wall of the room, every rasping intake through his mask setting his chest afire. Zagro Fenn's corpse lay a few feet away, connected to him by the smear of blood from the pool at the acolytes leg. He knew he had to leave, it was only a matter of time before someone found them, and he knew there was not enough fight left in him. But first he needed the datapad. He staggered over to the acolytes body and dropped to his knees, reaching into the Hapan's clothing and bringing out the small, flat device. He stared in disbelief at the screen, shattered as it was from some heavy impact during the fight. He frantically turned the thing over and over in his hands, pressing buttons flicking switched in an attempt to activate it. Nothing. Anger boiled up inside him. He threw the datapad across the room and a scream of rage came distorted from his mask as he frenziedly beat his hands on the dead acolyte.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 13 July, 2014 5:02 AM UTC

Again, formatting issues with the lack of pagebreak/spacing between paragraphs.

Desperately he tried to claw at the Kel Dor astride him, but his strength was fading, his vision blurring.

Comma.

Like the ending with the datapad being broken.

Nice use of Terror. Organically addresses an in-character quirk.

Continuity: Didn't really follow up on Zagro's post with turning the lights up to 11.

Acolyte.

Blinding light eradiated the room, the heat byproduct was palpable in the now enclosed room. Clearly the ventilation system was as derelict as the abandoned skyscraper it serviced. No cooling breeze or life sustaining airflow would assuage the discomfort of the two combatants.

The Kel Dor brooded in place while the Hapan likewise took swift appraisal of the circumstances they now found themselves engaged in yet was immobile. The silence became a deafening cacophony as the only perceptible sound was the gentle humming and buzzing of the vast multitude of light panels lining the ceiling and walls of the vast and unkempt room.

“Visual perceptions matter not, Hapan. What need does a Dark Jedi have of light when he can rely on his abilities”, Kor asked with a mild show of self-appraisal and composure.

Zagro astutely gauged this response. “If the ravenous light doesn’t bother you Kel Dor, then why do you hesitate? I am prisoner of this imposed jail cell just as you are. Finish the job if you can.”

No, the searing light indeed put the Kel Dor at a disadvantage. His species betrayed him in this one characteristic. Yet, it would be bold hubris for the Hapan to believe he had finally attained the crucial upper hand in this battle of wits and might. Testing the Kel Dor’s resolve, Zagro pressed the attack in earnest.

Kor slowly backed up sensing the coming danger and had his weapons ready. The Kel Dor swung his chain whip in a high-arced pendulum gaining velocity and energy by the second. Zagro could not match the reach of his enemy but perhaps he could utilize his unique skills.

“Where the hell are you? I don’t need my eyes to sense your location but something…something…” Vaal angrily stammered.

Silence in turn responded to the Kel Dor warrior. As suddenly as his presence disappeared it again manifested itself as Zagro’s Force Cloak attribute faded away. The Hapan lunged toward Vaal’s left side and attempted to plunge the knife wielded in his right hand into his adversary’s shoulder blades.

Instantly, Kor Vaal flung the chain whip’s weighted end at his assailant. The blow caught Zagro across the thigh and spun him backwards three meters. The Kel Dor pressed his attack and swung the chain again using the Force to pinpoint his assault.

Zagro was accustomed to pain, yet the agony he felt rippled through his entire being and made him think only of escape. The Hapan was able to roll to his right and shelter under a large metallic work station bench, barely eluding the chain as it smacked into the ground, sending chips of flooring flying in a cloud of white, acidic dust. “Run until Exar Kun rises from the dead if you like Zagro it makes no difference. You will not leave this room alive. I can feel your fear and sense your movements Acolyte.”

Yet, the Hapan knew if these prideful statements were more than vainglory he would already be smashed to pieces by the Kel Dor’s whip. Kor Vaal did speak some truths however, Zagro could not keep running. The Kel Dor was stronger in the Force and had a peculiar dexterity and repose due to long hours of meditation and study.

“If I can just get close”, thought Zagro to himself as he scurried around the room hiding from the almost non-existent physical view of Kor Val. The Hapan realized strength and ability would not carry the day for him in this arena. His plan seemingly backfired as the Kel Dor was blinded, yet Zagro was trapped. “I need to act now,” his thoughts were amalgamating into a last desperate gamble to take down his foe.

“Vong lover! I hope that you do kill me. Disgusting reptile, I renounce my allegiance to Scholae Palatinae. Only a misguided and vile organization would accept something as you amongst its ranks.”

Fenn stayed still as possible, masking his location and slowly positioned his body for the opportunity to present itself to uncoil like the deadly chain whip that so recently had accosted him. He adjusted his knife in his hand so the blade faced down, away from his body.

“Silence your filthy mouth, humanoid. Your species is weak, fractured, greedy and vain. You have provided nothing to the galaxy besides your haughty women and eunuch playboys. I will smash your bones in my hands!”

Kor Vaal again was visibly exuding energy, his rage and homicidal hatred of his foe eclipsing all other emotions or logic. Zagro saw the Kel Dor focus in on the origination of his voice and immediately Kor was staring at him. He could not see him, but as sure as the Sith his presence was known.

Running at speeds Zagro could hardly fathom the Kel Dor leapt into the air, flinging his right arm behind him and bringing the whip up for a devastating kill shot. His aim was true but the scolding light limited his visibility to negligible levels. Zagro just had enough time to push off of the wall he was leveraging for a focus point as the chain and Vaal’s right knee barreled into the section he had once been.

Capitalizing on this lost momentum and false movement, Zagro slide behind the back of Kor Vaal and with a raised fist plunged his blade downward into the off-balanced thigh of the Kel Dor, slicing down with all of his weight behind the blade as it tore the muscle fibers as it went. “RRRRRAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH”, Kor bellowed in equal parts agony and fury. Lashing out with wild abandon with his limbs and the Force the blinded, ravenous, Guardian sent debris flying in all directions as Zagro retreated to the overwhelming light in the center of the room, basking in the shadow of the Kel Dor’s light averse blindness. “Femoral, I should think,” whispered Zagro as Kor Vaal fell to his knees bleeding profusely.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 13 July, 2014 5:12 AM UTC

Nice follow up from your previous post.

Zagro’s Force Cloak attribute faded away.

Show don't tell. Try not to use Force Power names, but describe the effect they have.

Running at speeds Zagro could hardly fathom the Kel Dor leapt into the air, flinging his right arm behind him and bringing the whip up for a devastating kill shot.

Kor has +0 in athletics and a +1 in amplification. I wouldn't consider his speed unfathomable.

Capitalizing on this lost momentum and false movement, Zagro slide behind the back of Kor Vaal and with a raised fist plunged his blade downward into the off-balanced thigh of the Kel Dor, slicing down with all of his weight behind the blade as it tore the muscle fibers as it went. “RRRRRAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH”, Kor bellowed in equal parts agony and fury.

This could be broken up at the most, one time at the least. Also tense is wrong with "Slide", you meant slid.

Nice move going for the femoral artery. It's still something that would be hard to do with a +0 in bladed weapons. Not sure why you didn't bring a blaster to this fight, and suggest, if you want to keep writing using daggers that you put at least a +1 point in bladed weapons to show training in it.