Vanguard Turel Sorenn vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

This was one of the harder matches I've had to grade since being a judge. I called in Mav to serve as a second set of eyes. Mav has received the match and we both agree on the points raised and the score. Both writers clearly know each other's characters. Both writers showed an understanding of the system. Turel's story was straight forward and standard and didn't really do much to stand out . There was some humorous beats and clever wording, but nothing riveting. I really didn't like the ending. It was borderline realism, but it does check out with the "last of his will" description and then collapse. Story wise, it was very lame, to me, as an ending though. Mark, on the other hand, seemed to rise to the challenge and did a good job with his storytelling. While I loved Mark's ending, the realism error that allowed the story to transpire hurt his score badly. The syntax ding for Mark also takes into account some awkward wording and other small things that otherwise wouldn't have counted on their own but add up to disrupting the flow of reading. Turel wins this by literally the skin of his teeth.

Congratulations. This match made me effectively rethink my life choices. Mark, I was really impressed with your story in the final post and hope you can bring that level of creativity to future matches.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Vanguard Turel Sorenn, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Vanguard Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Dread Fortress
Last Post 10 July, 2017 2:29 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Small error highlighted in comments. Force lightning written vs the power being Force Lightning. Rationale: Few errors here and there.
Story - 40%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: I thought the ending was very clever. I was held back by some of the more groan-inducing lines of dialogue, but you did a good job writing both characters. Rationale: Simple set up, a bit of a phoned in ending. It was realistic enough, but very anticlimactic. Good, clear writing, good use of character personality/history, though.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Rationale: No issues I saw.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: No issues I found.
Deleted's Score: 3.95 Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.05
Posts

Oricon Dread Fortress

The greatest structure still standing on the volcanic moon of [Oricon], the ruined fortress that once served as the headquarters of the [Dread Masters], remains as a beacon of darkness. Impenetrable at its heart, the fortress is surrounded by a lava moat with a single bridge for access with walls two stories high and crafted of the hardest permacrete. Its walkways and open courtyards are decorated with eternally-burning braziers, hanging and broken chains, and even plaques and murals depicting acts of tyranny and strength. Statues, obelisks and pillars show signs of aging, crumbling, cracked and ruined, though their fearsome, ancient Sith visages still stand as a testament to the Dark Side and the imposing power that the masters of the fortress willed upon their visitors.

Down into the central palace and through one of the two sets of staircases lays the ruins of the atrium. It has long been looted for all of its artifacts and knowledge, left bare by the raiding and marauding of treasure hunters and researchers. Four side-chambers lead down, two to the left and right, deeper—these rooms, all abandoned, hold obelisks fused into the very stonework of the floor. Ancient Sith wisdom is etched into each one—messages of fear, of control, of domination and madness alike.

Oricon Dread Fortress

At the very rear of the palace is a large, tall stairway, leading up into what can only be considered the throne room of the wicked Council. A seven-sided platform sits atop a bottomless pit, with the walkway from the doorway taking up one side flanked by six green crystals. The remaining six edges are dedicated to walkways ending in a dais, resting upon which are the tall thrones topped with crystal where the ancient Masters of Dread once sat.

I’m surprised Pravus didn’t take up residence here after the destruction of Antei. The Dread Fortress is a fine piece of real estate for the discerning Sith lord. A bit of a fixer-upper but still has that classic holonet game endboss feel to it.

Turel leaned back in a stone throne once occupied by one of the ancient Dread Masters. The particular master’s name had been lost to time, so the Sentinel started referring to it as the throne of “Darth Edgelord.” The thought amused him and helped dull the discomfort of returning to this decrepit, empty fortress over and over again. His Inquisition contact had arranged the meeting here to exchange holodiscs of valuable intelligence, which had to be done in person lest the transaction fall under the watchful eye of dbb0t, the Dark Council’s artificial intelligence.

The throne room which Turel and his trusty droid Grinder occupied had the strategic advantage of only one entrance. Grinder had positioned himself behind of one of the other six thrones in a minimal power mode, waiting for the Jedi to press a button on his comlink to assist in the takedown. The upside of using a magnaguard for backup was that they didn’t have a signature in the Force for an opponent to sense.

Footsteps echoed into the chamber as a stranger approached; this had to be the contact. Turel could sense a dark presence near through the currents of the Force, but the ambient dark side energy of the fortress made it difficult to determine much else. As the male figure entered the throne room and approached the central platform, a spark of recognition flashed across the Jedi’s mind.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

“Come down from there, Sorenn! Your little costume and theatrics won’t fool me this time and there’s nowhere to run!” Andrelious punctuated his threat by pulling the silver-hilted lightsaber from his belt and igniting the ruby blade.

Turel rose from his uncomfortable seat and removed the Sith Helm — no sense in suffering in that stuffy thing if the proverbial Loth-cat was out of the bag. Not taking any chances, he pulled out his own crimson saber. Andrelious favored lightning attacks.

“Andrelious, what an unexpected surprise!” the Jedi quipped in a sarcastic tone. “How’s the neck by the way? I hear shock collars can really leave a burn.”

The ex-Imperial’s face seemed to turn red at the reference to their last encounter. “I don’t care who you’re allies with, I’m ridding the galaxy of you and your insufferable prattling once and for all.”

The Sentinel slowly descended the stairs to the main platform to engage the irate Sith. Turel observed Andrelious walk past the throne where Grinder was hiding without any outward signs he noticed the droid’s presence. It was always good to have an ace in the hole.

“You wound me, sir. Did I not return you to your family safe and sound?”

“YOU HUMILIATED ME!”

Turel was taken aback by the Rollmaster’s frank admission. He couldn’t really blame him for being angry, though; being returned to one’s Consul in a shock collar had to be a humbling experience.

“I also spared your life, for your family’s sake — well really for the twins’ sake. Kookie would probably douse me in speeder fuel and set me on fire if she could. But from one father to another—"

Andrelious made the first move, lunging at the Jedi with a two-handed downward power strike. Turel brought his own saber up in a cross-block, leading the two ruby blades to hiss and shoot sparks onto the stone floor as neither man could gain an advantage in leverage over the other.

“Silence your lying tongue, Sorenn!” the Sith hissed. “You know nothing of family!”

Before Turel could reply, the Sith gave a strong push forward with his weapon then jumped back to break the saber lock. Shifting to a one-handed grip, he swung wide in a horizontal slash, forcing the Jedi to parry it, then aimed his free palm at his opponent’s now-exposed midsection. Andrelious poured all the fires of his rage into the attack, sending burning tendrils of violet energy into the High Councilor’s body.

Turel’s muscles convulsed under the barrage of electricity. When he had a moment of respite between volleys of lightning, he pressed the button on his comlink to activate Grinder.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 12:11 AM UTC

Turel could sense a dark presence near through the currents of the Force, but the ambient dark side energy of the fortress made it difficult to determine much else.

"near through" is not proper grammar here.

Andrelious was a little surprised by how well his lightning had worked. Previous encounters with the High Councillor had established that Turel was more than equal to such an attack.

“Getting complacent are we, Sorenn?” Andrelious hissed. He was truly furious with the defeat that the Odanite had inflicted on him back on Takodana. Worse still was the fact that Turel was professing to care about his daughters. The two men had never enjoyed anything close to a friendship, especially after Sorenn had used the illusion of a naked Kooki in one of their earliest scuffles.

The Sith was between bursts of lightning when he heard footsteps approaching. He looked up to spot Grinder bearing down on him, wielding an electrostaff whose ends appeared to be changing colour. Andrelious had not encountered Turel’s MagnaGuard before, but he was not too shocked to discover Grinder’s unusual paint scheme.

“Looks like you let Atyiru too near to your things, Jedi. Let’s just hope that she hasn’t turned your droid into a friendship machine,” the Taldryanite commented.

“You’re a bad boy! Hurting my Turel!” Grinder droned. Andrelious swore he could detect a little flamboyance in the droid’s voice.

“You don’t know just how bad I can be, droid!” Andrelious roared, charging at Grinder.

The Sith wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew that MagnaGuards were specially designed to counter lightsaber users, but the Clone Wars were now long enough ago that he had not seen a fully working MagnaGuard before.

Every time we fight I learn something new, Sorenn.

Without taking his eyes off the droid, Andrelious attacked, his crimson blade finding no way past Grinder’s electrostaff. A series of further well-aimed slashes were met with similar blocks, with the MagnaGuard even managing to challenge the Sith with several counter-attacks.

The Taldryanite quickly became very frustrated with the obstinate droid. He attempted all kinds of different attacks, from trying to smash the electrostaff from Grinder’s grip, to using his short stature to try and duck under the MagnaGuard’s defence and slice his legs away.

Turel, meanwhile, had moved to a sitting position, still hurting from the Sith’s lightning. He watched his droid battle Andrelious, glad in the knowledge that even an experienced fighter such as Mimosa-Inahj was finding Grinder difficult to deal with.

Keep him moving, Grinder. Tire him out.

Stepping back as Grinder swung his electrostaff aggressively towards his head, Andrelious tried to get behind the droid, but found that he was unable to do so. He was beginning to run out of ideas; the MagnaGuard was clearly aware of how to counter all lightsaber based attacks. As he continued to attack, however, the Sith’s grimace curled upwards into a slight smirk.

Taking a few steps back, Andrelious, crying out to the Force, hit Grinder with a wall of invisible energy. As the droid stumbled, the Taldryanite immediately barracked him with a wave of Force lightning.

“You are a bad boy!” Grinder yelled, even as Andrelious’ attack began to overload his circuits. His visual receptors started to flicker as they failed, but it was only once the power to the servos in his hands cut out did the droid stop trying to advance.

Once again the dark side succeeds where the Jedi failed! Andrelious thought.

Turning to Turel, the Sith began to advance on his prey. The Odanite climbed to his feet, doing his best to hide the fact that he was still hurt. He readied himself for the upcoming scuffle.

“Our story ends today, Sorenn!” Andrelious yelled.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 2:05 AM UTC

A series of further well-aimed slashes were met with similar blocks, with the MagnaGuard even managing to challenge the Sith with several counter-attacks.

You use "with" four times here. It's a rough sentence to begin with, and while it might be technically legal, it threw off my flow of reading your writing and the pacing of the described action sequence.

As the droid stumbled, the Taldryanite immediately barracked him with a wave of Force lightning.

This is the second time a discussion about this word came up. In the past match, it was grouped with other errors, but in this match, I'm calling it an error because as per the Cambridge dictionary: barrack - to shout loudly in order to interrupt someone that you disagree with.

"immediately shouted him with a wave of Force lightning" doesn't make sense.

For a passing moment, Turel wondered if this indeed would be how his story ended, if his luck had finally run out. A Jedi killed by the Sith he spared, how ironic. Vorsa would mourn him but she would tell his story. Nayru was too young to understand. All she would know is her mother’s tales of her adopted father’s love.

Turel willed his still knotted muscles and seared flesh to move. Jedi weren’t supposed to fear death, and the Sentinel did not, but he was not going to let his daughter grow up without a father.

“Not today, Andrelious. None of our children will be orphaned this day.” The High Councilor’s melodramatic pronouncement was as much to convince himself as his opponent. He held his saber in a two-handed ready stance to withstand the Sith’s inevitable onslaught. The Jedi shifted his focus away from his injured body and into the ethereal currents of the Force which connected all living things. The ex-Imperial’s mind had been a familiar target for Turel’s intrusions and he reached out to it with practiced ease.

“What, what, what are you doing?”

Andrelious froze in his advance as he swore he heard Grinder’s sing-song voice and hum of an electrostaff behind him. But that was impossible; he had seen the droid’s photoreceptors go dark! Even a magnaguard couldn’t take that much punishment and still stand. Making a split-second decision to prioritize Grinder over the injured Jedi, he turned around. He saw the multicolored droid standing before him with his electrostaff in, hand pulsing through the hues of the rainbow like some kind of gaudy nightclub decoration. The violent explosion of color hurt the Sith’s dark-attuned eyes.

“Step away from my man, you lumpy discount store Tarkin! Seriously, you’re like a walking estate sale in that dreadful outfit. I’m glad I don’t have olfactory sensors because you probably smell like someone spilled rancid blue milk in a low-rent Muun nursing home.” Grinder punctuated his verbal jabs by twirling his staff in an elaborate pattern.

The ex-Imperial tuned out the droid’s insults. He had fought Turel enough times to question what he saw, especially things that didn’t make sense. He focused his consciousness through the Force, reaching out to the limits of the platform to discern the truth of what his senses were telling him. As he suspected, the sassy droid was still deactivated on the floor in front of him. The Sith quickly turned around to face his true opponent.

“Your parlor tricks don’t work on me anymore, Sorenn.”

Turel shrugged while holding his stolen crimson saber. “You have to admit, it was kinda funny.”

Andrelious gave no reply and immediately launched into an attack with his blazing weapon. The Jedi readied himself as best he could but the muscles in his torso and arms was still recovering from the lightning attack. The Sith was slightly fatigued from the repeated uses of his Force powers, but retained more of his baseline strength than Turel did. The Sentinel attempted to parry and block the ex-Imperial’s barrage of saber strikes but he was soon overpowered. Andrelious batted Turel’s saber out of his hand with a powerful downward strike, transitioned to a one-handed grip, and struck the Jedi with a invisible shove of Force energy.

On his back and desperate, the Sentinel took aim with his dart launcher but could barely hold his arm steady. Andrelious side-stepped the dart with ease.

“Has the Grand Master’s champion finally run out of tricks?” the Sith taunted.

“Yes, yes I have.” Turel found himself staring at the business end of a lightsaber, while Andrelious made the classic villain mistake of savoring the kill instead of taking it. The Jedi raised his free hand as a focus while he reached out to the Sith’s mind one last time,

“You’ve avenged your honor, you’ve bested me, you’ve won. There is no need to take my life. Go home to your family.” The Sentinel focused all his will on pushing his words into the ex-Imperial’s subconscious.

Andrelious shook his head like he was struggling to remember something. “I’ve won,” he uttered in a near whisper. The Sith deactivated his saber and started toward the door. “We’re even now.”

Turel collapsed onto his back with a sigh of pain. His luck held out another day.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 12:41 AM UTC

He saw the multicolored droid standing before him with his electrostaff in, hand pulsing through the hues of the rainbow like some kind of gaudy nightclub decoration.

in hand

I’m glad I don’t have olfactory sensors because you probably smell like someone spilled rancid blue milk in a low-rent Muun nursing home.

savage.

The Jedi readied himself as best he could but the muscles in his torso and arms was still recovering from the lightning attack.

were still

Despite Andrelious’ words, Turel doubted that it was truly the first time that the Sith’s intent was to kill him. The pair had clashed many times, in spite of, or perhaps even because of, the fact they had either shared a Clan, or nominally been part of the same alliance. Andrelious, however, felt he owed nothing to the Lotus; he had his own, far more selfish reasons for opposing Pravus. Getting rid of Turel may hurt Pravus’ enemies, but for the Taldryanite Rollmaster, he was simply eliminating someone who more often than not would likely get in the way of his own plans.

“Kooki will be most delighted when I bring her your head, Sorenn!” the Sith snarled.

“You really do talk as if she’s your Master, Andrelious. Does that mean you’re going to kill her one day?” Turel quipped.

Andrelious answered with a series of linked attacks, each one trying to force their way past the Jedi’s stubbornly defensive bladework. Turel stayed remarkably calm as he kept on blocking and parrying; he was seemingly content to allow his opponent to have the lion’s share of the attacks.

Sensing Turel beginning to struggle from a combination of tiredness and injury, Andrelious pressed on, giving his all into an almighty swing. As he attacked, he allowed the Force to lighten his movements just enough to beat the Jedi’s attempted block. The Rollmaster’s crimson blade sliced straight through Sorenn’s left elbow. Smirking, Andrelious immediately pointed his weapon directly at the High Councillor’s throat.

“No more discussions. It is time for you to, as you Jedi like to believe, become one with the Force,” the Sith stated coldly.

“So be it. I just hope you know you’re leaving children without a-”

“Words are not going to save you anymore, Sorenn,” Andrelious interrupted.

Switching to his black handled lightsaber, the Taldryanite swung his lightsaber back. Turel closed his eyes, apparently having surrendered to his fate.

“Andrelious Jongstram Mimosa-Inahj! What do you think you are doing?” a shrill voice scolded. Andrelious recognised it immediately as belonging to Kooki.

“I’m about to finally remove one very irritating little thorn from my side. I thought you were back at the fleet, with the girls,” Andrelious answered.

“You promised me that I could deal with him when the time came. It was my image he projected all over the place,” Kooki continued.

“Hardly all over the place. I’m sure that only I could see it,” the former Imperial stated, but his tone indicated that he knew he’d already lost the argument.

“I don’t care! You get to the ship. I’m not convinced that friend of yours can handle the girls,” the female said.

Andrelious wasn’t exactly sure as to what was happening. He was certain he had left Kooki, and his twins, back with the Taldryan fleet. But now the Alderaanian was before his eyes, ordering him around just as much as ever.

I’d better not argue.

Stepping aside, Andrelious kept a firm eye on his defeated rival, at least until Kooki was armed with her familiar purple bladed lightsaber. Exiting the throne room hastily, the Sith began to head through the Dread Fortress’ many corridors. He’d already put some distance between himself and the throne room when he realised something. He had been so determined to make sure that Turel met his fate, yet so desperate to please his wife, that he had missed one glaringly obvious detail.

Kooki loves it when I watch.

Sprinting back towards the throne room as fast as his tiring legs would allow, Andrelious, furious with himself, could already sense that Turel was well on his way out of the Dread Fortress.

Stopping at a junction between two passages, the Sith punched the stone wall so hard that he cut his fist.

“SORENNNNNNNN!”

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 2:05 AM UTC

I liked this ending. It was clever. The issue was with the fact that illusion was cast at all. Getting your arm cut off with a saber hurts, and I see no way Turel could have made that happen in that level of pain and agony. This means that the illusion would have needed to be triggered earlier, but that was not what the writing suggested to me.

(Note: This large detractor ties to the Realism score of 3 in the scorecard.)