Day Three

My first day on this detail saw me standing outside the Consul’s chambers with another Dark Jedi. Why a big log needs chambers is beyond me, but we had an assassination attempt not long after I began. One of the other guards allowed a Bothan in to see the warlord and didn’t think anything of the space aphids the guy was carrying. We spent the rest of the day hunting down and killing the sap sucking insects. The warlord was not happy and the other guard now adorns the chamber wall, or what’s left of him anyway.
I spent the first day learning code words, so now I know what people mean when they say, “Big Bark is oscar mike to the space dome. “ have to admit that one had me real confused when I heard previous guards say it. Also “Big Bark has a big log emergency”, but that’s not something I ever wanted explained to me. I shudder.
Its interesting how the attempts on the warlords life increase from day to night. We had five last night. Someone pretending to be a gardener was trying to sneak in chemicals for weeding. An assassin dressed as a consort, apparently ill informed on her target. A droid with a secret compartment containing a weed whacker. More space aphids and a desperate talking orchid whom we think may be stalking him.
It’s also worth noting the Warlord demands a vegan each night to his chambers. No one knows what goes on but any vegan who goes in doesn’t come out. But the noises are really disturbing, so much so I can’t describe them. If this seems like a jumbled mess, you’ll have to excuse me I’m writing this while standing outside his chambers using my wrist as a supporting pad.
My second day I was ordered to kill someone, don’t know who he was or why. Just found him and killed him as ordered. I was given a leaf from the warlord for my services, no idea what that’s about but they tell me I’m supposed to roll it in paper and smoke it, not while on duty though.
That evening the warlord had a hot young twi’lek girl do his pruning. Not clear what that is but he seemed to enjoy it. Gave everybody some leafs after that. Its not a bad job if you can stand, standing all day.
There’s just some simple rules you have to follow, don’t eat anything besides meat around the Warlord. As another guard learned the hard way, don’t wittle to pass the time. Don’t interrupt the Warlord’s pruning. Don’t let the Warlord see an aphid. Be prepared to crush the hearts of love sick little plants that come for a word with him. That includes when they claim the seeds they cradle are his.
And that about does it, stand, kill, hunt, kill, pretty much lots of killing and standing. Starting Day three now with a new guy. Hope he likes standing.

Why would I make a brilliant Black Guard? Well, first off, I believe that it takes a certain amount of edict to successfully uphold this position. All Sadow’s are drunks, myself included, we need to maintain our level of alcohol or die. Many of the younger generation believe this to be a myth, ha, the fools. Malik, like the rest of us, is prone to wandering aimless hammered out of his head, so it’s his Black Guard’s responsibility to make sure he arrives home in one peace. Much like the responsible driver, who doesn’t drink in order to make sure his friends arrive home, being a Black Guard means making sure Malik is properly pampered in his inebriated condition. I hear some rumors that this position has something to do with being a bodyguard or carrying out Malik’s whims, however this is a total lie passed down from the rest of us Sadow’s to make this position mean anything but Malik’s sober companion. In fact, I’m quite used to this with my passed experience with Bob’s sober companion. At least with me, Malik can have a drinking buddy for those long nights at the office shredding important documents. No... wait... Wan’t that Tron’s master plan to rule the galaxy. Buggery. Never mind I’m sure he has lots more. Another very important duty as Malik’s Black Guard is to discretely arrange top secret rendezvous with the Mistress of Pain, Lady Sin, a very expensive but brilliant dominatrix who I must say loves us Sadow’s. This Force-sensitive, whip lashing, pain loving, bitch consists of many secrets a Black Guard must keep hidden from the rest of the Clan. I remember this one time an incident between Bob and a banana which Lady Sin was responsible for, totally ruined Bob’s love for the fruit, he even flinches every time he sees a banana. Now, the training required for a Black Guard can take years before someone is up to the level of combat need, luckily for me I don’t need any of that as I am already a world class killing machine, the Daleks have nothing on me. I know I’m expected to put my life before Malik’s, not really an issue for me, but I know how clumsy the man can be. Seriously, it’s like the man walks around like he’s on ice, slipping and stumbling everywhere he goes. It’s like out of one of those old cartoons, Bugs Bunny and Micky Mouse, I am not! Sometimes I wish for some ACME dynamite so I can just end it myself before he accidentally falls to his death. Honestly! Thank the gods he’s not actually going to read this application, he would likely arrange for my own accident. Sorry... what did you say... He is going to be reading this... *moments silence* ... Well I be a Bantha humping kriffing Tusken under a Hutt droppings. I’m such a dead man!