Hunter Calenhad vs. Acolyte Fenrir

Hunter Calenhad

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Kel Dor, Sith, Arcanist
vs.

Acolyte Fenrir

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

To start off, I’d like to thank both you gentlemen for taking part in the inaugural Coach’s Corner event. This was quite the match to read, and your relative newness to the club and the ACC specifically make this the type of match I’d hoped we’d see.

Calenhad, you do well with writing descriptively, where you seem to fall is integrating that with combat. I’ve expanded on this in the post comments, but finding a balance between describing something and presenting a conflict between the two individuals is key to improving in the ACC. Proofing could improve your work in the future also, though this was still a solid showing.

Fenrir, you had the job of writing the second post following on from a post with little combat, but you did your best and drove home the combative nature of the ACC while not entirely neglecting build. This stands you in good stead to develop as a writer with the only major flaw being in regards to your ending, addressed in the post comments. Your Syntax was consistently of a high standard, and that can be a place people regularly lose points.

This was an extremely close match, tight in almost every area, with that being said there has to be a winner. On this occasion, Calenhad has emerged victorious, though I think you can both leave with your heads held high.

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Hunter Calenhad, Acolyte Fenrir
Winner Hunter Calenhad
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Hunter Calenhad's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 14 June, 2018 4:15 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Inquisitor Valaeron Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: You have few errors between both posts, but errors exist which is why I can’t give a 5. Rationale: Commas, as they are so often for people are the prime reason why this is a 4, not a 5, but also there were issues with apostrophes, hyphenation, and spelling to name a few.
Story - 40%
Inquisitor Valaeron Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Your first post does well and drives the combat, but it almost entirely vanishes from the second post, and the lack of clarity or context with the interference of an NPC and a plot device, which were okay with the venue but read awkwardly, to save Calenhad drag down your score. Rationale: A shortage of combat in both your posts with a focus on setting up the story and building the ending make it harder to give anything higher despite your good descriptive work.
Realism - 25%
Inquisitor Valaeron Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: No errors spotted. Rationale: Nothing found.
Continuity - 20%
Inquisitor Valaeron Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: No mistakes detected in this space. Rationale: Looks clear.
Inquisitor Valaeron's Score: 4.12 Reaper Hector Von Ricmore's Score: 4.47
Posts

Combat Training Center

Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitorius.

Combat Training Center

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring mat has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical shockboxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard rubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also reserved for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Weapon Load Out for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

Calenhad let out a sigh as he sat down upon his favorite chair. Today had been a long day of work keeping fools from killing each other in the training hall. Truly, one must never underestimate the sheer stupidity that people possess. Calenhad wiped his hands over his bleary eyes and let loose another sigh. His eyes blinked as he caught sight of his blood stained hands.

“Guess I’d better clean up” Calenhad said to himself. As he stood the Kel Dor heard a blaster echo throughout the training hall. He paused before stating “Not my problem.”

Calenhad walked out of the medical ward and towards the locker room. While passing by the training dummies his eyes met a large Shistavanen firing a DL-44 blaster at the stationary targets. Calenhad ignored the commotion and walked into the locker room refresher. He walked over to the sink and turned the water on. As the water dripped down his blood crusted hands Calenhad recalled how the accident occurred. Two neophytes had decided that replicating the battle prowess of the ancient Sith legends would be a good idea. With no training in the art of bladed weapons, the neophytes fought each other using the vibroblades found on the weapon racks of the training hall. Perhaps saying that they “fought” each other would give them too much credit.

Calenhad arrived in the training center to begin his shift at the medical ward just in time to witness a neophyte receive a slash across the arm and collapse in pain. Due to the sheer amount of blood at the scene it was clear that a major artery had been served in the neophyte’s arm. Thankfully the medical ward was close enough for Calenhad to stop the bleeding and stitch together the boy’s arm. He would need several Bacta treatments in order to counteract the damage done to his brachial artery. Calenhad’s orange eyes blinked from behind his goggles. He looked at the chronometer on the wall of the refresher-21:30. While it was true that the training hall was open 24/7 most members had the courtesy of refraining from firing blasters or slugthrowers after 20:00 to allow patients an opportunity for rest. Yet the Shistavanen continued to fire his blaster, again and again.

That’s it. Calenhad thought. The Kel Dor marched out of the locker room with a purpose. His angered strides quickly brought him before the oblivious Shistavanen, who continued to fire his blaster.

“Excuse me” Calenhad said. The Shistavanen continued his training. “Excuse Me!” The Shistavanen growled and turned toward Calenhad. “Those stationery targets can’t offer you much of a challenge. Why don’t you step into the ring with me?”

The Shistavanen took a moment to think it over. The creature nodded in acceptance a moment later. The pair walked into the ring. “It’s a boxing ring so melee only. You wouldn’t be able to use that blaster effectively at this range either way.”

‘This is perfect’ Calenhad thought to himself. My patients get to rest so my work is not wasted and I get to have a little bit of enjoyment.’

Calenhad smirked behind his breath mask as he said “Before we begin, might I know your name?”

“Fenrir” the Shistavanen acknowledged.

Two blades of crimson ignited, signaling the beginning of the battle. Calenhad gripped his saber with both hands. His right hand gripped the top of the saber while his left rested loosely near the bottom. Calenhad stared at Fenrir as he began to walk slowly towards him. The Shistavanen’s red eyes seemed to glow with a fire blazing within. These glowing red eyes glared toward Calenhad who felt unnerved by the intensity of the glare. Calenhad hesitantly stepped forward with his left foot. This hesitation almost cost him when Fenrir leapt towards him, propelled by the Force. Calenhad quickly raised his saber to catch the downwards blow. The Kel Dor grit his teeth as the force of the impact traveled through his arm. Calenhad sent the Force in a pulse throughout his arm, calming the frayed nerves. The crimson blades locked together with neither opponent clearing gaining ground. Calenhad let go of his saber with his left hand. Fenrir snarled and pushed the saberlock towards Calenhad. Calenhad threw his left hand forward, smashing it into Fenrir’s nose. The Shistavanen howled as the electrical current was discharged from Calenhad’s shock glove into his nose. Calenhad smirked from beneath his breath mask as he watched his opponent squirm in pain.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 June, 2018 1:46 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Your use of the venue was remarkable, and you made the training center feel like somewhere people were training. If you could do this mixed in with combat, I believe it would do you a world of good. Building an environment the reader can visualise is something writers should aspire to. To potentially work towards weaving it into combat, think of where the characters are in the venue as they're fighting and slip in some description to add to the combat.

Can Be Improved


Commas are notoriously easy to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each has its exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. I find they're often used too much or not enough in writing. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. Additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work.

You also had Calenhad seemingly finishing up his shift at the start of the post and then skip to his next shift. Skipping time is fine and dandy, as long as you note the time passing with an "X hours later or The Next Day" or an "It was the following day and..." If you're going to write a transition, look for words that make it easier to understand the jump in time or evaluate if you need to jump ahead in time.

The pacing of the story is something that can make or break an opening post in a match. This post is charged with not just setting up the situation that leads to combat but also including that combat itself. It's a balancing act. A good rule of thumb is to have actual conflict, especially in a 2+2 format, take up at least 50% of the opening post. Of your 745 words, it's only the last paragraph that has this conflict. A lot of the time devoted to set-up could have been given to creating interesting action with the narrative being interwoven instead.

His eyes stung from the shock while he involuntary caught his nose. However, even though that pain, he knew he was lucky it was not a stunning blow. Fenrir knew that he had to do something, and he did. Using the Force, he propelled himself forward and dived headfirst at the smirking Kel-Dor.

Unfortunately, the Force warned Calenhad about the incoming attack a few heartbeats before, and thus he got out of the way just at the last second, making the large Shistavanen hurtling past him and right on the floor and on his stomach.

"Well now, what's the matter? Is a live target too much for you? Like to get back at shooting the dummies again?", taunted Calenhad as he circled the fallen Shistavanen, keeping is distance just in case. Fenrir started getting up slowly, his anger building up inside him. How come this puny humanoid was getting the better or him? He drew himself to his full height again, towering above the Kel-Dor who was still circling him like a bird of prey.

"The fight has only begun," said Fenrir with an unpleasant grin. However, he knew that his opponent had better melee fighting skills than him. He needed to stay away from those Shock Gloves. The best thing for him would be to use the Force to weaken Calenhad.

Concentrating hard he went for a punch, his speed augmented by the Force.

Instinctively, Calenhad moved away from the line of the strike. However, Fenrir knew that he would do something like that, and thus he was ready for him. As Calenhad moved away, Fenrir moved and rotated his punch as well, at the end of which there was a blinding flash of light.

This time Calenhad was on the floor squirming and groaning in pain, hands over his eyes.

Fenrir grinned. He would have loved to say a few smart words here, but instead did something else. He just chucked his live Dioxis grenade at Calenhad, which he himself wore his breath mask.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 June, 2018 1:47 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Regarding Syntax you did remarkably well, I wasn't able to find many errors. This shows the power of proofing as well as your grasp of grammar. I would encourage you to continue to get work proofed even outside of the event as it can only help you in the future and maybe take out the odd mistake you did make.

You also keep the combat fairly balanced and use it as the engine that drives your post along. You don't get caught up in preparing the situation to fight, and you get on with the combat. I enjoyed reading the confrontation and it being balanced is a fair reflection of each character's strengths and weaknesses. I would encourage you to maybe write some combat outside of the ACC or even in it so that you can refine this and build on what is a positive feature of your writing.

Can Be Improved


His eyes stung from the shock while he involuntary caught his nose

The above quote is the start of your post and it starts off well by having Fenrir react to just being punched in the face. What lets it down is I'm not entirely sure what you meant by "involuntary caught his nose" there's the literal image, of Fenir's nose falling off but that's ridiculous, or is it meant to say that Calenhad wasn't aiming for Fenrir's nose? This is an example of how word choice affects the reader's view of the scenario. In the future try to choose words that leave little doubt as to the image you're trying to convey.

Another thing you can improve on is your use of the word count. You had a total of 750 words to play with, but you chose to utilise less than half of that. While in some cases less can be more, I feel like you missed the opportunity to go more in-depth with your writing and ramp up how impressive it is. In the future, you may want to try planning posts out before you write them. Dedicating certain amounts of words or time to the beginning, middle and end of a post while factoring in it's not the conclusion of the match could prove beneficial to you in future matches.

The flash of light seared Calenhad’s eyes. He gasped involuntarily and fell backward, the momentum of his dodge transferred into a clumsy landing upon his back. His four fingered hands curled and dug into the leathery skin surrounding his goggle covered eyes.

A deep chuckle echoed throughout the training hall. Calenhad’s head snapped up and his eyes opened in an attempt to locate the noise. It was a fruitless endeavor, as the Kel Dor could only see a blurry haze around him. He closed his eyes as it was clear that they would be of no use to him at the moment.

A metallic sound echoed nearby. Calenhad gripped his saber warily and prepared to move at the first sign of danger. The Force remained quiet upon the matter as Calenhad began to shift nervously. The Kel Dor took a deep breath to steady himself and immediately began to cough furiously. A metallic taste filled his mouth as his blood began to clog his breath mask. Calenhad focused the Force inwards, flooding it throughout his body in an attempt to purge the poison and prevent himself from drowning in his own blood.

The Kel Dor grit his teeth in frustration. The poison limited his movement and prevented him from using the Force to sense his opponent. Calenhad could hear heavy footfalls growing closer, likely his opponent coming to finish off the weakened Kel Dor. Though weakened he may be, Calenhad was not dead yet. His opponent was rushing him in an offensive maneuver and would most likely utilize some type of downward slash. With his vision gone and the Force focused on the poison coursing within him all Calenhad could do was guess at the incoming trajectory of his opponents saber. The Kel Dor angled his saber downward toward his right foot. He placed his left foot forward and prepared to intercept his opponents attack. He waited a moment, then another before pivoting and swinging his blade diagonally left with all the power he could muster. His arms shook as the momentum from Fenrir’s Force augmented blow came to a stop. Wasting no time, Calenhad let go of his saber with his left hand and grabbed the Shistavanen’s shoulder. Drawing on the pain of the poison coursing through his veins Calenhad poured Force Lightning into his opponent through his Shock Glove. Fenrir twitched and howled as the electricity burned through his nervous system.

Calenhad smirked triumphantly behind his mask before he began to cough up blood. By using the Lightning on his opponent the Kel Dor left his body wide open to the ravaging of the poison. Calenhad fell to his knees as he struggled to breath through the growing pool of blood within his lungs. He immediately refocused the Force on purging the excess blood. The Kel Dor had a sinking feeling that this was the end. His body felt bloated and the Force felt sluggish and slippery, like oil slipping through his fingers. He didn’t want to die so early, to a mere acolyte in an empty training hall. There was still so much to discover about the galaxy. His body seized in pain and began to convulse upon the floor. His shaking hands reached upwards and tore his breath mask from his face. He gasped in pain and pleasure, tasting oxygen for the first time in his short life. He released his breath and all was still.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 June, 2018 1:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


A metallic sound echoed nearby. Calenhad gripped his saber warily and prepared to move at the first sign of danger. The Force remained quiet upon the matter as Calenhad began to shift nervously. The Kel Dor took a deep breath to steady himself and immediately began to cough furiously. A metallic taste filled his mouth as his blood began to clog his breath mask. Calenhad focused the Force inwards, flooding it throughout his body in an attempt to purge the poison and prevent himself from drowning in his own blood.

This is a tremendous piece of descriptive writing that depicts both a literal and psychological fight between Calenhad and the results of the grenade going off. On the one hand, he's trying to stop himself from choking to death, while he's also worried about Fenrir, conscious that either one of them could kill him. I would try to include more of this by attempting to create situations where there can be more than just a physical confrontation, but a mental one too. Having a plan helps with this.

Can Be Improved


You have a couple of issues with apostrophes in this post, showing up mostly in the word opponents. Opponents is the plural form of opponent, which suggests more than one where only one exists. The correct form would be opponent’s with the apostrophe signifying that the thing is owned by the opponent. Proofing is a good way to catch small mistakes like this and bring up post quality.

His eyes felt as if they were burning up. The first time the flash came, everything went white and dizzy. Calendon had no idea whether he was standing or falling. He cupped his hands over his eyes, and while he was doing so his elbow brushed against the tough floor.

Kark it! How did I end up down here?

Even in this situation, even through all that pain, he could feel something else was wrong. Something really, really bad. Something that he is not ready for, and something which despite all his love for pain will harm him still.

A little distance away, Fenrir stood smirking with his breath mask on. He kept his distance back there as the live dioxis grenade he tossed at his opponent was nicely spewing forth poisonous air. And with his opponent’s inability to see momentarily, Fenrir was confident of victory. The problem was that he forgot a very important thing. He was even more shocked when, as soon as the gas started coming out, it was sucked in by special vents in the floor!

Fenrir growled, half in anger and half in confusion.

A voice came from out of nowhere, that which they both heard. It was the Trainer who was undoubtedly overseeing the match. Fenrir had no idea who it was, but the male voice said, “No killing in this room! Which part of “no killing” did you not understand?”

By this time, Calendon was back on his feet as well and faced Fenrir once more. However, still feeling disoriented from the flash, he was reluctant to begin anew. For once, Fenrir did not press the matter. After all, there’s the “no killing rule”! Where’s the fun in that?

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 June, 2018 1:50 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You really pay attention to the effects of the blinding on Calenhad, really making the reader visualize (no pun intended) what Calenhad is going through. You also make sure to remind us that Fenrir is still around, he's there, waiting for the grenade to take effect. Though, if I was to make a comment of a slightly critical nature, it takes a while for the grenade to go off, despite it being called live on multiple occasions and when it does, it does nothing. I'll go into more detail about that in the section below. For here, try to set up more moments like these as you excel in this type of writing.

Can Be Improved


Towards the end of the post, you mention "special vents" that suck the gas from the grenade away harmlessly, while in line with the venue, there was no context or build to this. In another venue, this would be an example of a Deus ex machina that rescues Calenhad from a situation he would have otherwise been unable to escape from. In a similar vein, you have an NPC halt the combat citing the no killing rule, which is also an acceptable part of the venue but could’ve been written clearer and again, is not a habit you want to get into. This is also something that should be avoided in other venues as it would count as what we call a "detractor" which harms your score. A way to avoid this in the future is to ensure you don't place a character in a position where they need divine intervention or some major piece of luck to win or survive. There's nothing wrong with killing a character in a match unless that character's author chooses to abide by it, it is treated as non-canon.