Savant Zujenia vs. Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona

Savant Zujenia

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Ryn, Force Disciple, Shadow
vs.

Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Kaleesh, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
Comment

Thanks for taking part in the Operation: Tempered Iron event and for completing this match, it was a joy to read.

Zujenia, I liked how you explained the motivations for both characters being at the venue, especially how your character was speculating on Rrogon's purpose. This was good because it allowed your opponent wiggle room and you didn't write them into a corner. There were small little syntax errors in your post, but on the whole, it was solid writing, though it felt like more could have been done with it.

Rrogon, I like how you dealt with being given supposed motivations for your character and used this to your advantage in an attempt to make the story your own. You never really capitalised on this though and a couple of errors on the side of Realism in your second post significantly affected your scoring here.

Thanks again for participating. Overall, Zujenia is the winner.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Zujenia, Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona
Winner Savant Zujenia
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Zujenia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 14 September, 2018 2:33 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Errors present but readability is not affected. Rationale: No significant errors, just little mistakes here and there.
Story - 40%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: You largely follow the story established in the opening post and don't do too much to make it your own. Rationale: A relatively basic story but one that with dialogue threatened to be something more but never delivered.
Realism - 25%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 2 Score: 5
Rationale: Writing of the Telekinetic Strike feat despite it not being on Rrogon's Character Sheet and Zujenia's ridiculous landing severely harm you here. Rationale: No errors I could find.
Continuity - 20%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Referring to Zujenia as two different ranks drop you down here. Rationale: All good.
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona's Score: 3.1 Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna's Score: 4.12
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Streets

The Vertical City, Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. A vantage point on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel offers a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Simple shops and merchants peddle both legitimate and illegitimate wares. Storefronts are just as plentiful as open-market pop-up tents, and the cantina's adapt the same lowlife air as the rest of the Smuggler's Moon. Enemies could be hidden in plain sight, whether one of the Hutts’ gangsters or mercenaries-for-hire looking to earn some credits. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. They may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for one gifted in the Force.

I shouldn't be here.

The thought echoed through every nerve and rose the sandy fur at the base of her tail. Red-hued skin and amber eyes flashed within her mind, joined by a white stashed grin, a kind growl, and flowing fabric. Family, love, friends, all of them at risk here and now. But Zujenia was parsecs away, on the narrow, criss-crossing, crime-filled streets of Nar Shaddaa. Out of Dajorra jurisdiction, out of Brotherhood space. She shouldn't be here, but he was.

Click. A tan thumb flicked a small switch, reading her bo-rifle. The half-Ryn raised it from her cloak, wooden plated grip snug in her hand as the stock pressed into her right shoulder pocket. The barrel rested lightly on the overhead path’s duracrete wall — a clear line of site into the merging, meandering crowds below. She waited.

It was only twelve hours ago that the encrypted message flared to life a stolen Inquisitorius scanner, uncovering a plan to pit Brotherhood members against one another. Ten hours had passed since Kobign informed her that Agrona was on the move. It wasn't coincidental, she was sure of it. The Kaleesh was heeding this call, and there will be deaths — innocents among them.

You aren't killing anyone today, Zujenia silently vowed. Her golden eyes searched the faces that flooded the street, smoke from nearby exhausts clouding the semi-lit area. Irritated, anxiety and fear building with every passing minute, she reached out with the Force only to rip herself back from her intentional probe. The silver blue scar tore at her abdomen, burning with phantom pain as a familiar dark aura washed over her senses.

Skar

Thirty meters away a hulking figure stepped through the drifting smog, red-green skin and dark mask visible from beneath his hood. While his height was no more than the average humanoid male, his build shadowed most as he moved unassumingly among the native scum, traveling. Zujenia gritted her teeth, urging herself to lean forward. Lining her dominate right eye, left hand steadying, down the bo-rifle barrel to Skar. His crimson gaze drifted to bore into her own, unblinking, almost daring in that brief instance. She only had one shot at this, and missing would be death. Heart pumping and muscles tensing, the half-Ryn exhaled and pulled the trigger.

The flash of purple plasma ejected from the weapon, the force of firing jarring against her shoulder bone slightly — the stock must have slipped. Dismay fell over her as she watched the bolt strike centimeters before the khaleesh, dissipating. Kark, she’s hesitated earlier. Rapidly and haphazardly firing several more bolts towards the man, Zujenia pulled away and attempting to blend into traffic, to disappear.

The jarring, scraping sound of metal upon duracrete announced his ascent up the walkways pillars before his attack did. With barely a breath of warning, Zujenia drew upon the Force as she felt her legs drawn from under her. Tucking her shoulder, she twisted with an unnatural strength, pulling herself from the tumble and sliding into a crouch.

“That was unwise, Zujenia,” Skar rumbled darkly, his cybernetic limbs digging into the ledge and launching himself onto the path with an agility akin to a nexu. His crimson eyes burned into hers with a cold impatience. “Aim to kill if you wish to end me. I’m disappointed.”

“Missing wasn't intended.” The Qel-Doman spat towards him, releasing a button held under her thumb — the bo-rifle elongation sharply into a staff at her side.

He stared, several heartbeats passing before sighing, deeply and heavily. Skar withdrew a dark elongated cylinder from within his cloak. “I had hoped we could resolve this —”

“Resolve? No.” Purple electricity crackled beside her, reflected in her wild, white hair and mirrored the dead-set determination on her face.

One of them would die here today, period.

Rrogon understood that and, with a nod, activated his white-blue blade with ease, pacing forwards. He shouldn't of never left her alive anyways. A loose end to tie up, to finish.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 September, 2018 12:37 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Motivations


It was only twelve hours ago that the encrypted message flared to life a stolen Inquisitorius scanner, uncovering a plan to pit Brotherhood members against one another. Ten hours had passed since Kobign informed her that Agrona was on the move. It wasn't coincidental, she was sure of it. The Kaleesh was heeding this call, and there will be deaths[...]

I like this passage because it provides both combatants with a reason for being at the venue, which is an essential part of any first post. You go on to hint at the past between Rrogon and Zujenia, and this provides the motivation for the conflict, in addition to Zujenia’s willingness to prevent the death of innocents. I would suggest maybe keeping it closer together and being a bit more detailed on their history, as not every Judge is going to know this.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


A series of minor errors exist within the post, nothing majorly awkward but they would likely have been caught in proofing. I also like suggesting reading a post out loud, this way you can catch things that sound awkward but maybe not things like missing hyphens which is why it’s a good supplementary tactic when combined with proofreading.

Rrogon took his time walking toward the Hybrid, twirling his sabers blade in a show of skill. The cruel smile under his mask spoke volumes to his excitement and glee. He didn't want this fight to begin with but now that Zujeina gave him no choice he was going to make sure that this little problem of his was never going to come up again. He had originally come here for a mission for the house, trying to get more arms and medication for the troops training on Selen.

When he had sensed a fellow force user following him, he had no idea who it might have been, but when he saw the Savant, an almost sinful elation filled him. Now, the he was here, it nearly rose to its bursting-point.. When he finally swung his lightsaber the dam had burst. The hiss of the saber when it struck the electric field of the Ryn’s Bo-Rifle, now staff, was music to the Sith’s ears.

“Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, I want you to know something. After I'm done here, I’m thinking of taking a vacation to find your little one that you and Kordath are raising.” The Kaleesh hissed as he leveraged the Saber to get into a better position.

“Might even take the child and raise it myself, it would be a better life than you two would ever be able to give it!” The Juggernaut began to cackle and as the Ryn’s eyes widened in rage as he spoke those words. Her arms began to quiver under the strain of the former Obelisks power.

In a desperate decision to break the saber lock, the Hybrid broke the lock and spun the bottom of the staff upwards directly at the Kaleesh’s face, who just barely reacted in time to narrowly dodged it moving back enough to give the woman adequate space to press her attack. The staff whirled in all directions, clashing against the Adiels saber again and again, striving to break the bulwark defence of the Kaleesh.

Rrogon began to fall back a bit, his arms moving faster to compensate for the rate of attack the woman in front of him was putting out. He needed to make space between them again. Reaching into himself the SIth pulled on the force and flung his left hand forward lashing out with a Telekinetic strike.

The invisible force slammed into the half Ryn’s abdomen and sent her flying back several feet until she rolled to a stop. Again the Kaleesh laughed his hollow laugh.

“And here I thought you wanted to kill me, not make me laugh!” Chided the Sith as he reached into his holster and pulled out the well worn slughtrother revolver. He was about to speak again when he felt his body freeze up and lock into place before he could line up a shot.

Skar could see the look of hate and concentration on the Ryn’s face as she slowly got back to her feet, her left hand held out towards him, the other gripped tightly on her Bo-Rifle.

“Shut up Skar!” She snarled before the lock was dropped and she charged forward once again

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 September, 2018 3:26 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Balance


The post finds a nice balance between combat, dialogue and description. I would suggest maybe working on writing more to take advantage of this.

Can Be Improved

Show,Don’t Tell


Reaching into himself the [Sith] pulled on the force and flung his left hand forward lashing out with a Telekinetic strike.

I’ve highlighted this passage because it’s an example of something that’s a little mantra in the ACC “Show, don’t tell.” There are other situations where this is possible, but this is the example in the post. In the future, I would avoid outright saying “This is force power x” and take a more descriptive approach to write the use of it.

Dirt stung raw against her cheeks, gritted in from landing on the duracrete, but she easily ignored it. She couldn't ignore the screaming lick of Force urging her to dodge to the right, however, sliding aside as a crack was heard and a slug whizzed past. Zujenia didn't waste another heartbeat, dipping herself more fully into the warning energy with each footstep.

Skar twitched the heavy pistol to a new position and fired off two more shots in quick succession. The half-Ryn avoided the first, catching herself in the path of the second. A shimmering yellow field of energy manifested in front of her instinctively before shattering to the sheer drive of the slug. It grazed her right bicep, the strength of the blow ripping gruesome through the flesh. She nearly dropped her weapon with a sharp inhale of air, pain flaring through her nerves.

Tucking her shoulder in as she subconsciously dampened the pain, Zujenia spun about with hopes to mask the hit — staff whirling down upon the Kaleesh. He reflected it sharply, rounding a kick out with his clawed, cybernetic foot. She whipped the staff vertically, blocking the strike with sparks flying as metal scrapped against metal. The bayonet ripped off the bo-rifle when Skar wrenched free, clattering away behind him. His crimson eyes bore down with the mirrored intent of his blade, which slammed against the lethal electric tips of her staff in a powerful sequence.

Hmph, you are slowing.” The Juggernaut glanced at her right arm, blood seeping through the ripped sleeve. His shoulders heaved with a chuckle and he feinted with another kick before driving his blade again. “We’re done here.”

Zujenia swallowed hard, her steps forward reversing back as she fought to counter, tail tight around her left leg. Her heart beated out the seconds, one and two, three and four, and so on. This battle was taking too long and with every passing moment she was becoming more exhausted, and more likely to make a mistake. She needed an opening, to finish this…an opening. Zujenia knew exactly what she had to do.

Yeah, we’re done here, Skar, both of us...she declared internally, golden eyes not wavering from the blue-white plasma. Her chest tightened with the pain of her choice, what it would take from her. Kord, Shay, be safe, I love you.

“Just give up, mutt, it's useless,” Skar’s taunt penetrated her focus of block, parry, redirect, strike. It clawed at her new resolution, trying to convince her it was all the halfling could do but lay her weapon down. And she nearly did.

No.”

Zujenia reversed her grip on her staff, hurling the weapon into the Juggernaut’s saber with what might she could muster. He deflected it.

For Shay and Kord...

The two locked against each other. Skar leveraging with superior might, the woman clearly weaker as muscles quivered.

For Kelviin. For the Hapans and others killed...

Zujenia drew upon the Force, weaving it into her arms, numbing the right intently and strengthening the left. Her face gave an ounce of pity among the hate that drove a cold hiss from the reptile.

For your wife...

Purple and white light reflected across the scar of their past, what had become today.

I can’t!”

Breaking away, the half-Ryn arched the transitioned bo-rifle into Agrona’s weapon. The blade drove downwards as the Kaleesh moved with the momentum before pulling it up and over his head. Zujenia spun with her attack as the saber plummeted — exposing her right shoulder to the man, an aggressive cry erupting from her throat. The fire flaring through her joint felt distant, her left arm already in motion and thrusting the lethal electricity into Skar’s armored gut.

Pain. It shocked through the Juggernaut’s battled harden body. It consumed the torso of the hybrid. Their bodies dropped to the duracrete walk path, one writhing and one still with but a twitch or few. Onlookers tentatively approached, of those who remained near and hadn't chosen not to get caught up in all of this. Their voices hit Zujenia’s ears, but she clutched her arm — desperately trying to staunch the bleeding. Her severed limb laid still a foot away.

Cough...heh…”

What little color left on the dark tan woman bled from her skin, nearly mirroring her white hair stained red with blood. She twisted to watch in defeated horror as Skar labored to get up — body jerking and lungs hacking. His crimson eyes stabbed into her soul, reassuring death was evident.

“You nearly did it, end me that is.” He hissed in an almost bemused hate, metal limbs clanking slowly across the stone. Blue-light plasma snap-hissed above her once more. “To bad you did not. A message to give to your loved ones?”

“I used to respect you, Rrogon,” Zujenia spat, the effort ragging against her being. The name weighed with a pain calling forth betrayal and trust divided, of lost hope and disappointment. Of sureness. “But now...now the image before me is all anyone ever —”

The Kaleesh flipped his weapon, piercing it down into her chest. His masked, tusked visage holding fast the last she saw before darkness overtook and her breath left. Satisfied with the dull light in the mutts eyes, Skar deactivated his saber, slipping it back into his cloak and slowly retrieving his pistol. He had a task to finish and now, a chuckle slipped his silence, his blood bubbled with a satisfied hindrance removed. A shame really, there were those who had looked to use such a pawn. Not his problem right now as he disappeared into the crowd and the looters took over the woman’s corpse.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 September, 2018 3:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Last Words


“I used to respect you, Rrogon,” Zujenia spat, the effort ragging against her being. The name weighed with a pain calling forth betrayal and trust divided, of lost hope and disappointment. Of sureness. “But now...now the image before me is all anyone ever —”

The above passage makes for a fitting conclusion to the battle, both in the context of the match and the broader story. It serves as a reminder that the ‘good guy’ doesn’t always win.

Can Be Improved

Formatting


The post is all bunched up together, which did at times make it more difficult to read. I would make sure you space paragraphs and dialogue enough so that there’s a clear break.

A Grim smirk grew the Kaleesh’s face as he met the Bo-Rifle once more with his blade, the electric crackle illuminating his already glowing eyes. He ducked and weaved to avoid the half-Ryn’s strikes where he could not block them with this lightsaber and counter attacked when he could, Lashing out with his legs, he tried to throw the woman onto the ground with a well-placed kick.

The two Arconas went back and forth, jabbing and trying to break the other defenses but the two Jedi were far too skilled to let that happen to themselves. But the differences in their physicality began to show. With each hammer blow, the Sith brought down on the Bo-Rifle; he could see the Ryn stagger with the power behind the attacks.

On top of that, Zujina was having a hard time keeping up with the speed of his swings, just barely being able to block or avoid what came her way. But Skar enjoyed toying with the Savant in front of him since the last time they fought he had been on a timetable and needed to end the fight quickly, but here and now, he was going to take his time tearing her apart, bit by bloody bit.

Sweat began to bead on the Seer’s forehead as she tried her best to keep up the with the stronger and faster Kaleesh. Rrogon could feel the panic beginning to rise in the Gray Jedi’s heart and mind; however, he wanted to keep going. He reveled in the fear and strain she was going through. It was just fuel to the fire in his heart, the drive that kept him going.

Finally he saw an opening as the Ryn lost her footing for a second. Not letting her recover the momentum, the Sith spun his saber around horizontally and severed the Bo-rifle in half, rendering it useless in her hands. Rrogon tried to press his attack but was met with a swift kick to his upper chest as the Hybrid jumped and spun around, bringing her foot to slam into the Sith’s chest.

But Skar was unmoved by the strike and grabbed onto the Shadow’s ankle andwith a grunt of strength he lifted her over his head and slammed her onto the ground. She landed with a sharp crack and let out a cry of pain before the Juggernaut released her and stepped back a few paces.

“I got to admit, you lasted longer than last time Zujenia. It was a good fight but now it's time for you to join the rest of the people I have killed, girl,” he hissed, spiting next to the fallen woman.

“Why don't you come look me in the eye and say that, sleemo!” she gasped in pain trying to rise to her feet. Growling, the Stih stepped over and grabbed the Seers’s neck and forced her to look at him, their eyes meeting for what was the last time they would see each other.

“You are going to die slowly for that you little,” the Kaleesh never finished his sentence as fire flashed in his throat as the Ryn’s vibro dagger dug its way deep into his flesh.

The Gladiator’s grasp began to slack as the strength faded from his body his eyesight growing bleary and dark. His body sunk to the ground until he was on his knees, his head still trying to look at the Hybrid who had finally gotten the better of him.

“That’s was for all the people you have murdered you piece of filth,” hissed the Ryn as the pulled the dagger only to drive it back in again and again. Crimson blood splashed all over her and the ground until she staggered back panting and looking at the horrific mess she had just made.

A sigh of relief passed from her lips as she took the time to recover and get out of the area before someone found the body. She took only a second to scoop up the fallen lightsaber at the Kaleesh’s side, before giving the corpse one last kick for good measure before walking away into the night.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 17 September, 2018 5:26 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Detail


Sweat began to bead on the Seer’s forehead as she tried her best to keep up the with the stronger and faster Kaleesh. Rrogon could feel the panic beginning to rise in the Gray Jedi’s heart and mind; however, he wanted to keep going. He revelled in the fear and strain she was going through. It was just fuel to the fire in his heart, the drive that kept him going.

The above passage goes into some detail about how the effects of the match are affecting Zujenia. I would suggest maybe also showing adverse effects on your own character because it’s not just been a one-sided beatdown and provides balance.

Can Be Improved

Terms of Address


When addressing a character or both characters, it is important to use a correct term of address. You wouldn’t, for example, call someone in Odan-Urr a Plagueian. These are mostly small spelling mistakes but are more important because they refer to who is being written about. I would suggest reading prior posts to ensure consistency.