Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae vs. Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
vs.

Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
Comment

First off, I'll thank both you ladies for your participation in the ongoing event and for finishing this match. It's one I thought would be interesting when I heard it was happening.

Satsi, you were able to write very strongly from both a technical standpoint as well as making your posts exciting to read. My biggest issue with your writing, as covered in the post comments, is the lack of motivation for Satsi to be attacking Tahiri out of nowhere. While you did mention this in your ending, it feels like there wasn't any context as to why she had done it for a majority of the match. On the subject of your conclusion, I felt like there could have been more story told through either dialogue or combat before the hinting at a further storyline, which I enjoyed reading, but felt like it was taking away from the primary purpose of the story.

Tahiri, it was good to see you write and especially at such a high level. I enjoyed your writing for the most part, but the brevity of your first post felt like it left plenty of potential on the table. You wrote well from a technical point of view, and there were flashes of brilliance in your posts, they just lacked that consistency to take them to the next level.

Thank you again for giving me the honour of grading this match and for taking part in the event. Adding up the scores Satsi Tameike Arconae is the winner, though the scores don't tell the whole story, it was much closer than they suggest.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae, Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Winner Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kashyyyk: Rainforest Canopies
Last Post 14 September, 2018 10:46 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Very well done but a few errors here and they take the 5 off the table. Rationale: Nothing that affected the readability, but errors were made.
Story - 40%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The drawn-out sequence in the latter half of your second post, while an exciting twist, felt like it detracted from the conflict between the two. Rationale: For the most part, you follow along with the established story. There are flashes of something more significant but not quite enough to warrant a higher score.
Realism - 25%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Clean as a whistle. Rationale: Solid writing of the characters involved.
Continuity - 20%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No faults found here. Rationale: In your second post, Tahiri is relatively mobile despite a significant wound to her side but nothing significant enough to drop below a 4.
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir's Score: 4.52 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 3.85
Posts

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

The wild planet of Kashyyyk is known to be home to the gentle, but short-tempered race of Wookiees. Wild and untamed, the lush, wroshyr tree-filled forests form a multi-layered deathtrap. The local wildlife present a threat as one descends towards the forest floor, though the battle-scarred beaches and the remnants of the Clone Wars provide refuge. However, as one ascends the danger of falling becomes the largest threat until coming in contact with the Wookiee settlements. Fauna and flora flourish in delight, growing within dirt pockets in the crevices of the trees. Some of these plants are carnivorous, becoming larger and deadlier closer to the forest floor. Others have some form of consciousness, able to communicate with the Wookiees to give some understanding of their use.

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

Above the Wookie settlements rests the wild rain forest canopies. Within the crevices of the trees, empty fruit and rotting shells from seeds show the spring season has ended. A soft wind whistles between the thick vines and shrubs that stick to the trunks of the ancient and sleeping giants. Despite the never-ending lack of footholds aside from the branches of wroshyr trees, a series of abandoned and rotting platforms are suspended a hundred meters above the surface, once home to its own Wookiee settlement. Overgrown and decayed, it has since nourished countless plants and trees with their outstretched branches sheltering the dense and soft floor from the extreme sun rays and torrential rain. Upon closer inspection unusual signs become notable. Moss carpets particular areas on the platforms and nowhere else, and tree-dwelling animals and birds never seem to land on the surface.

Tread carefully, or fall whim to the creatures that inhabit this terrain.

"Are you really not going to share?" Tahiri demanded.

Solas just huffed a wet breath at her from the side of his mouth, a steamy cloud of musk and viscera. The bull akul clamped his large teeth more firmly in their kill and dragged the carcass away from her, curling his body pointedly around it and flopping down to eat with his back towards her.

The brat.

The short, crimson-skinned Togruta snorted. He was being petulant with her, still mad she'd told him they couldn't hunt the Wookiees when they arrived. They were guests of Tarentum and Plagueis here and it would not do to represent her fallen home by eating the locals.

"Fine," Tahiri declared. "I will go hunt for myself. In the trees."

That got her a glance from the akul and a whine. Solas very much wanted to climb the immense wroshyrs, but was not allowed on account of the pathway to the lowest branches being far too small for him. They stared each other down a moment, and then Solas growled mulishly and bit back into his kill. Tahiri giggled and spun on her heel, moving with a hunter's silent swiftness back to the village.

Several hours' climb later, Tahiri let out a contented sigh as she took the final step up into a moss-covered platform of an old Wookiee home. It was gorgeous here on Kashyyyk, especially so this high up in the canopies where ancient boughs and ancient flora and fauna thrived, the ground so far below that it was little more than a dark smudge glimpsed through the leaves. The forest was vibrating with life and the air was heavy, humid, and tasted like wet wood-rot on her tongue. She inhaled, needing to catch her breath.

She'd started heavily using the Force to bolster her muscles on her way up. No one had said there'd be so many stairs involved in exploring endless nature. It had been worth the exhaustive trip though, the Togruta thought as she continued to pick stray bits of meat out of her sharp teeth, leftovers from her meal several miles lower in the branches. The sun was high but the dense canopy was cool, secreted away in shade and very, very old spirits of wood and wind. She was happy. Perhaps the most she'd felt since Yridia II's fall. Plagueis was not a terrible place, but it was not her home.

The Sith-decorated Togruta touched the trunk of the massive tree she stood in, felt its life and its eventual death, as any child of Tarentum would, and felt brief peace.

At that moment, though, montrals shivered in agitation of something close by, and then her senses electrified. She tensed a heartbeat before something dropped onto her back, crushing her to the platform and splaying her limbs at painful, awkward angles.

Hands scrabbled under her cloak and at her many belts and she felt something ripped away. A moment later her slitted eyes followed her lightsaber as it clattered off the edge of the platform. Fury surged up in the Sith's chest, and she snarled and growled, writhing and wiggling to throw the larger body off of her. Her movements were those of a threatened predator. She lashed out with sharp elbow strikes and rolled to kick and claw, muscles rippling with the instinct of a leaping nexu, a striking aklay. She slammed her head backwards like a horned reek charging.

Her captor endured the beating awhile before losing grip of Tahiri's thrashing form. The Togruta sprang free at the chance, skidding over rotted wood that groaned ominously and crouching, grabbing her dagger. Her expression was a feral rictus, fangs bared, acid yellow eyes boiling against black.

She had only a breath before her attacker was on her, metal clanging. Tahiri immediately recognized the weapon of a Grand Inquistitor and growled, memories of burning and Pravus rising, but saw just as quickly that the bearer wasn't dressed in armor like Tahiri was. She — it was a scarred female Human, tan and dark-haired — was in combat armor suited to a city. The Togruta had not seen her or sensed her, perhaps too distracted. It rankled the hunter's pride.

"Who are you?" snarled the Sith over their locked blades. The woman broke the engagement, lunged, stabbed. Tahiri twisted back, ducked, swung. The Human reversed her grip and brought her weapon about her body, deflecting the strike then slashing backhand. Tahiri pivoted, dropped her knife into her other, waiting hand, and countered just as expertly with it.

They broke apart, both assessing. Their eyes met and in them was something fierce but admiring. They were equals.

Despite her earlier rage, Tahiri could have sighed then with happiness, and saw the Human actually did, her face smiling when they clashed again.

She was fast for a standard Human, and she knew her way around a knife. Tahiri could have ended it in an instant with some lightning, but it felt good to stretch and fight. Knives were great. They made a little clinking sounds when they clashed together. They flashed in the light. Her opponent kept up with her, moving faster and striking harder. It was a thrill. Tahiri's blade scored over the other woman's side, her shoulder. Furrows of fire sliced open Tahiri's dark skin on her cheek, her throat under her ear, behind her knee.

Again they disengaged. The other woman licked the line of scarlet running down her arm and hissed, a sound like pain and pleasure. She rolled her shoulders, raised her blade again.

"Fantastic," she said, and it sounded genuine. "I haven't had a decent ol' knife fight in so karkin' long. Everybody's gotta have their laser swords, you know? This is nice."

"It is," the Tarentae agreed brightly, her grin all teeth. "And I'm going to win."

"We'll see about that, little pretty."

Answers could wait. They charged again and met with a swift symphony of serrated song.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 15 September, 2018 12:33 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Writing the Lightsaber Out


Though it doesn’t have to be solely in NFU vs FU matches, getting rid of the Lightsaber, even if temporarily, is something that’s quite often seen. What makes this more notable is the use of the venue and the time at which it happens. Because it occurs at the start of the conflict Tahiri has no chance to react and creates a more equal, if not advantageous to Satsi, scenario from which the two can duke it out. Now, this strategy doesn’t have to be Force user exclusive and creating a situation where someone is down a weapon can force creativity out, as long as they aren’t wholly mismatched in the ensuing encounter because that writes both writers into a hole.

Can Be Improved

Motivations


There are two major responsibilities of the first post in a match. To start the conflict and to provide context as to why the conflict is occurring. The post certainly does the former, but here I’m going to discuss the latter. It’s clear Tahiri is fighting because she was ambushed. However, the post chooses to omit Satsi’s reasoning for attacking Tahiri. I would suggest planning out both character’s justifications for the conflict, even if you plan to build on that in later posts it’s helpful to the reader to know why someone is fighting, even if it’s just for the sake of fighting.

Tahiri felt as if she could keep this fight going forever. The beating of her heart matched the steps and clashes as the Togruta and the Human female fought to gain the upper hand. However, Tahiri knew that at one point or another her body would start to wear down, and although the other woman’s body would wear down too, Tahiri couldn’t count on the Human wearing down first.

I need to end this sooner than later, but I also want to know who this woman is. The Plagueian continued trade blows with the Human, parring and thrusting, switching hands every once in a while to see if she couldn’t catch the woman off guard.

Disengaging, Tahiri inhaled deeply, as did her opponent. Both women, as if by a silent treaty, took a slight breather. Tahiri saw her opening to perhaps get some answers out of the Human before their next engagement.

“Okay, so now really, can you tell me who are you?” Tahiri asked in between breaths. Something about the woman seemed familiar, but the Sith couldn’t quite put her blade on it. As the Togruta waited for an answer, she was aware of the hot blood that creeped down her left arm from a new small slash. The other wounds were starting to congeal, but with all of her ferious and quick movements they still bled quite a bit.

“Well,” the Human woman sighed and smiled a little. “Since you keep asking so politely darlin’, I am known as Satsi.” The hint of sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable.

“Ah, so you are, you are from Clan Arcona. You probably know Kord then?” A sly smile crept across Tahiri’s face, as she finally figured out where she had seen Satsi.

The woman paused for a second, a dark look crossed her face. “Yeah, what’s it to you, shortie?”

Tahiri’s face grew hard for moment, and then quickly relaxed. The Sith was pretty sure that Satsi saw the fire ignite in her eyes. Shortie!! How dare she even, she's barely a few centimeters taller than me! Urg! Cool it Tahiri, you know better than to let things like this get to you.

“Oh, it’s just nice to know exactly what clan I’ll have to take you back to,” the Togruta flashed Satsi a big grin. “When I beat you. Since you’ll probably need a bacta tank when I’m through with you.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 15 September, 2018 1:07 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Drawing on the past


You did a good job of using Tahiri’s past with someone who’s close to Satsi to unnerve her slightly, shown in her response making fun of Tahiri’s height. While I understand because of the nature of the ACC you won’t always have that kind of history to draw upon, I would say if you do explain it so that the reader isn’t left scratching their head. An overreliance on inbuilt history can also be a problem because Judges don’t have time to keep up with every character dynamic there is.

Can Be Improved

Word Count Usage


Though it is often said that less is more, I feel like there was enough of the word count left available to you for you to kick on and expand upon your strengths. I would suggest planning out both the content of your post and when you’re going to write it to help you with making the most out of the word count.

Satsi charged at Tahiri, blade in hand and wild delight on her face. The Togruta crowed in challenge and cheer and met her with similar fervor, drawing her sword too. Again they met in a clang, but their dance changed completely with the addition of another blade with disparate reach. Satsi had to move much quicker to get in close enough to strike, and dodged much more often to evade the long grasp of Tahiri's vibrosword.

Quickly the Human accumulated many more large slashes, disadvantaged by the Sith's greater reach. But Tahiri was not immune, and the few times Satsi got close, her counters were vicious. The Togruta felt her arm buckle when steel sliced over the crook of her inner elbow, spurting blood and making her hand spasm before going limp. Her sword clattered away.

Hissing, the former Tarentae channeled the Force into her muscles, leaping away in a augmented jump. The Human started to chase after her only to stumble over a rotted plank.

In that heartbeat of respite, Tahiri let her awareness untether and spread around her, mind uniting with the Force. In her extrasensory view, she could find every spark of life, from the feeblest to the brightest. She focused her attention on the numerous little embers that were the multitude of birds around them nestled in the treetops, and sent them her command.

The Arconan yelped as the feathered, scaled creatures descended on her in a roar of flapping wings. Small talons pulled at her clothes and hair while beaks pecked at her face and shoulders. She hunched over into a spine-bending ball, crossing her arms over her head to shield her head and neck, issuing a string of nonsensical curses all the while.

Unable to help herself, the crimson Togruta laughed, losing her concentration. The avians, in their angered confusion, harried Satsi awhile longer even as she tried to crawl away from them. Tahiri took pity as she sheathed her blades and clasped a hand tightly around her arm to staunch the bleeding. She sent another command to the group. The birds dispersed, and Satsi, ruffled and covered in tiny scratches over every inch of exposed skin, coughed and generally made a fuss. She yanked feathers and twigs out of her hair and grimaced at a few fetid splatters on her clothes. There was also a lot of blood.

Tahiri, in a show of kindness, gave her a moment to gather herself before calling out, "Help me tourniquet this before my fingers fall off and I won't summon them back."

"I frakking concede, karking Shadows," Satsi swore, climbing to her feet and approaching as the Togruta sat. The Human peeled off the armor of her torso and then removed the shirt underneath, leaving herself bare and bloody from the waist up but for undergarments. She quickly and efficiently tore the garment into strips, then followed Tahiri's basic survivalist instructions on tying off the limb above the wound. Her movements were surprisingly gentle, and the Togruta said so.

"I've patched up plenty, not that you'd think it," Satsi replied with a significant look at her own scars as she redressed. "No medic though, so we should get you to a bacta tank."

"You need one just as badly, I think. Those will probably be infected."

"We'll call it a draw and hope I don't turn into some mutant Wookiee bird," grumbled Satsi before straightening with a wince.

"There's no such thing," laughed Tahiri as she too stood. "But since I've won--"

"It's a draw--"

"--I think I've earned your name and purpose, Arconan."

The other woman snorted. "Aye. I do actually have a reason for bein' here."

"And what's that?"

"Reaching out, veteran to veteran. Seeing if our old allies are as sharp as they used to be. Kordath wanted you to know, your clan might be gone, but Tarentum isn't, and her ties with Arcona don't have to be either. Just because Plagueis is where you sleep doesn't mean we won't look after your heart, if you still share it."

"You're showing friendship by attacking me?"

"Would you have respected anything else? I saw a warrior, watching you. We don't just talk. Not without a bit of a match first."

"Hmm...honorable."

"That's me, fiery eyes. So what do you say? Still friends?"

"The Children of Life and Death still knows the Shadow Children," the Togruta allowed. "Friends. Old and new."

"Wonderful."

The Sith extended her good hand to clasp forearms as warriors would. However, when Satsi grasped Tahiri's arm, she used it to pull her close, flush against her. Then, the woman cupped her jaw and drew her up into a firm, sudden kiss. The Togruta made an eep noise that was smothered by the warm mouth domineering hers.

The Human pulled back, releasing her, and said, "You can pretend that's from Kord too if you want to. Or Zuji." She winked.

"...what about from you?" the Tarentae found herself saying, fangs poking out a bit as she grinned.

Satsi's eyebrow quirked, eyes falling lidded. She stroked a finger down one black-flamed cheek and leaned forward, purring words directly over Tahiri's sound-sensitive montrals. "If you want it to be from me, then its affection is all yours, my deadly dear. I love making new friends." Lips brushed over lekku. "It's Tameike, by the way. Satsi Tameike."

Tahiri shivered slightly, but it could be excused as blood loss. "Good to meet you. I'm Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarante."

"Well, Lady Tarentae, I can offer you a lift down if you like."

Truthfully, the Sith would have no problem at all making the trip back to the village herself. She'd be healed momentarily with the Force. But the offer wasn't unappealing. There were a lot of stairs.

She nodded, and the Arconan winked again and lifted her in a royal carry, muscles flexing.

Tahiri smirked. Tree-climbing, a good fight, and a ride. Solas was going to be so jealous when she got back. Served him right.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 15 September, 2018 2:41 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Beast Control


I like the way you wrote Tahiri’s use of Beast Control and made it fit in with the venue. It’s something plenty of people take but find there aren’t many opportunities to utilise it. I would suggest looking at what other skills/powers a member has that could be useful in the provided environment and working them in where you can.

Can Be Improved

Drawn Out Ending


From Satsi conceding to the end of the post is over 500 words, meaning it’s more than half the post. Now as beautifully written as it was, it felt like it went on way too long. I would suggest if you were going to write something like that to have it be around 250 words, if for the event or around ¼ of the final post at most. Otherwise, it tends to take away from the action in my opinion.

With her right hand behind her back, Tahiri carefully palmed a throwing dagger from a hidden compartment in her belt, one that Satsi hadn’t found and tossed away. Reversing the grip of her vibro dagger in her left hand, she stood to her full height. The Arconan raised an eyebrow as Tahiri raised her left arm, her blade glinting slightly in the forest light as she turned her palm up. Motioning with two fingers, as a sly grin spread across her face, Tahiri taunted Satsi.

“Well, little pretty,” Satsi twirled her blade. “We’ll just have to see who will really need the bacta tank.”

Tahiri watched as Satsi moved forward, swinging her arm around the deliver a wicked downward slash aimed for the Togruta’s chest. Gathering the Force into her limbs, Tahiri dodged to the left, dropping into a crouch as she did so. She flung her throwing dagger straight for the Human’s mid section, hoping it would a target.

The only way to get this dual over with, is for either both or one of us to be injured enough to no longer fight. Tahiri could see that they were quite evenly matched, her only hope was to end this battle with a truce. All of sudden, Tahiri’s senses screamed at her, without a moment's hesitation her body rolled away and stopped within a half a meter of the edge of the platform. Catching her breath in her throat, Tahiri heard a frustrated grunt from behind her.

Turning quickly, the Togruta saw that she had narrowly missed being badly sliced up by Satsi’s dagger. Tahiri silently berated herself for focusing too much on her thoughts, and the Force for too long. Realizing that A strange laugh sounded through the trees, bringing Tahiri’s attention from Satsi’s blade to the Human herself.

Satsi was pulling Tahiri’s throwing dagger out of the top portion of her right thigh. Twisting the blade her right hand, the Arconan licked the edge before tossing the blade to the side.

“Well shortie,” Satsi turned to face Tahiri, a dark smile playing on her lips as she lick a drop of blood from the corner of her mouth. “It seems you have more surprises than I thought.”

“Yeah, well,” replied Tahiri from her crouched position. “People always seem to be surprised about what I’m able to accomplish.” The sarcasm dripped from Tahiri’s lips.

Satsi threw back her head and laughed, “Able to accomplish?! You, shortie? I could see that.”

Tahiri gritted her teeth, as her vision began to see red. With Force augmented speed and strength, Tahiri launched herself towards the Arconan, blade at the ready to slice the woman in half.

Tahiri thrusted and parried, slashing in every direction, aiming at every possible opening. However, even with her augmented speed and strength, as Tahiri felt the slick wet resistance of her blade as it slid across Satsi’s forearm, a sharp burning pain coursed through the left side of the Togrutas’ abdomen.

As the two women disengaged, Tahiri felt her side. The warm slickness of blood streamed from the deep slash wound in her side. Tahiri began to feel very worn, as she sprang at Satsi again. The two clashed and then disengaged quickly again. Tahiri noticed her movements were becoming more sluggish.

Why do I feel this way? Her senses began to scream again, the Togruta tried to dodge but felt her legs be kicked out from under her. Landing flat on her back, Tahiri’s head bounced off the the hardwood of the platform, at the time she felt a pressure fall onto her chest. Shaking away the daze that began to fog her head, the Togruta looked up. Just in time to see Satsi bring the pommel of her Inquisitorius dagger down onto the side of Tahiri’s head.

Tahiri heard ringing and saw black as her consciousness rapidly faded. The last thing she heard was Satsi laughing.

“Well pretty, we’ll have to do this again sometime,” Satsi smirked, as she stood over the Togruta’s body, wiping her blade off. “See you around.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 15 September, 2018 4:50 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Combat Writing


Landing flat on her back, Tahiri’s head bounced off [the] hardwood of the platform, at the time she felt a pressure fall onto her chest. Shaking away the daze that began to fog her head, the Togruta looked up. Just in time to see Satsi bring the pommel of her Inquisitorius dagger down onto the side of Tahiri’s head.

I liked the above passage because it’s a participant struggling because her wounds are taking their toll and being at a skill disadvantage. Taking previous posts into account is a huge factor, as was the fact that being a Weapons Specialist, Satsi could use her bladed weapons at a much higher level than Tahiri and was able to land the blow that set up the above passage. I would recommend noting wounds from the whole match and tailoring your writing to the level of injuries suffered to make for more compelling writing.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


There are a handful of errors throughout the post. Always make sure to get work proofed, it does help. Another strategy is to read the post aloud to yourself.