Battlemaster Lucine Vasano vs. Knight Creon Saldean

Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Knight Creon Saldean

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Defender
Comment

Thank you for your participation in the ACC! Your patience has been greatly appreciated and my apologies for the length of time it has taken to grade your match.

First of all, amazing writing by the both of you in this match. The angle at which you both write your characters and even each other’s characters in some cases was stunning. You both tugged at my heartstrings a number of times. Nothing is more engaging, more riveting than a story one finds themselves emotionally engaged in, in my opinion. Creon, you go into a flashback in your post, using it in order to give a great depth to the character and make exceptional use of that depth throughout. Lucine, you likewise tap into that in your final post, using the fuel Creon added to the story. Lucine, your introductory post to the battle… beautifully woven. Your description of the environs created some spectacular mental images as I read that worked to set a particular mood and made it that much more real for the reader. I highlighted a specific section in the comments on Post 1.

Something I noted in relation to syntax to you both. Pronouns. There were times, where the wrong pronoun was used. It is an easy mistake to make but can be detrimental when your goal is to keep your reader immersed in your writing. They acted as little tripping points for me where I had to double back to make sure I knew who was reacting to what. Watch out for this, grammar checks will miss it (I know mine did when checking syntax), and I only caught it while reading through. Creon, of note specifically to your post. The use of Telekinesis to blast Lucine off your character. At telekinesis +3 with no related feat to modify the Force power; it is not feasible he could have “blasted” her back as he did and causes her harm as he had.

Overall, amazing writing by you both! I do so love a story that can get one emotionally invested in the characters, haha.

Congratulations Lucine Vassanor on your victory and I look forward to your next battles!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lucine Vasano, Knight Creon Saldean
Winner Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Creon Saldean's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 16 September, 2018 1:52 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Mune Cinteroph
Syntax - 15%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: You had a couple of run-on sentences, some missing commas and some spots where a comma was unnecessary. Do watch your pronouns. Rationale: Overall great, couple simple punctuation mistakes but nothing huge. Do watch your pronouns.
Story - 40%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: You make great use of the characters and combat to create a great story that keeps the reader engaged. Rationale: You maintain fantastic storytelling that keeps the reader drawn in. Engaging and powerful writing.
Realism - 25%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: In your character makes use of Telekinesis to “blast” Lucine off of himself. With no feat and a TK +3, it is not feasible he could blast her in such a way and cause her pain the way he did. Rationale: Nothing of note.
Continuity - 20%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing of note. Rationale: Nothing of note.
Lieutenant Creon Neverse's Score: 4.6 Lucine Vasano's Score: 5.12
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

[Venue Note: It is assumed that both members are wearing at least a cold-resistant cloak in this venue, even if not included on their Loadout. All other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

The caverns that snaked beneath the frozen surface of Hoth could almost be considered peaceful. The rough stone walls blocked out much of the chill, making the temperature almost pleasant when compared to the frigid climate above. The quiet solitude, punctuated by the steady dripping of icicles, added to the soothing atmosphere. Even the steady glow of the lichen that clung to the slick rock walls added to the overall feeling of peace. To a person in the proper frame of mind, the cavern would have been a good place to do a bit of quiet meditation.

But the furious redhead who picked her way through the caverns was not in the mood for meditation.

“I am beginning to think he is doing this on purpose,” Lucine muttered to herself. “Since you are in the area, run over and pick up some lichen for me, will you?” she said as she deepened her pitch in an imitation of Rhylance’s voice. “Nevermind the fact that I am two systems away from the Anoat sector. Nevermind the fact that gathering the lichen requires me to scale down a ravine in a snowstorm. Nevermind the fact that I was supposed to have a date tonight. Argh! That man is infuriating!”

Her only response was the echo of her own voice. Lucine rolled her eyes and continued on, walking carefully to avoid slipping on the slick stone floor. With any luck, she could find the lichen and be on her way quickly. Perhaps the evening could still be salvaged.

The tunnel opened up into a large cavern which was lined with lichen of varying shades of blue. Their phosphorescence cast the room in a lovely azure light that could almost be considered beautiful.

However, there was a problem. Rhylance had said that he wanted a specific type of blue lichen but had neglected to provide her with any other details about it. But by her estimation, there were at least seven different species of lichen, and all of them were blue.

“No, no, no, I do not have time for this!” the Sith groaned. She looked slowly around the cavern as she checked her comm, but there was no signal within the caverns. She could return to her trip to get more details from the medical science officer, but that would take too much time. She would undoubtedly miss her date if she did that. Of course, Rhylance had said he wanted a large quantity of the specimen, so it was not possible to collect some of every blue lichen there; not if she wanted to finish her errand in one trip.

The simplest course of action would be to simply cancel her date, but that was something she would not do. She had been apart from Strong too long. She actually missed that massive, overly muscled Chiss. Besides, her absence created an opportunity for a certain green-haired tart to supplant her in Strong’s affections.

There was simply nothing for it. Much as she enjoyed the idea of having Rhylance owe her a favor, she did not want to miss her date. She would collect a sizeable amount of one type of lichen, and if it wasn’t the right type, then the Quaestor could come get what he needed himself.

But before she could set herself to her task, the realization dawned on her that she was not as alone in the cavern as she had originally thought. She turned to see a stranger standing in the cavern entrance, watching her.

“Err… hello,” Lucine said to the newcomer, embarrassed at how easily he had managed to catch her unawares.

“Good morning, ma’am. Are you by any chance Lucine Vasano, Aedile of House Qel-Droma?” the man asked as he stepped into the cavern.

“I am,” Lucine replied hesitantly as she shifted her stance slightly, regarding him carefully. His gaze was direct and his posture was perfect. That, combined with the regulation style haircut and starched lines of his uniform told her that he was career military. But what business does he have with me? “And you are?”

“My name is Creon Saldean. I am a Knight in service to Clan Odan-Urr.”

Perhaps it was the clipped manner in which he spoke, which contrasted sharply with the kindness in his eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that he looked amazing in his Special Forces Armor. Whatever it was, the redhead could not help but to admit that he was adorable. Perhaps tonight will not be such a loss after all. “Well, it is lovely to meet you, Creon. What brings you to this inhospitable planet?”

“I’ve been charged with the task of bringing you to New Tython for questioning,” the Odanite replied.

“Questioning?!” Lucine repeated as she arched a single, sculpted brow. “Whatever for?”

“It is my understanding that a data-disk disappeared from High Councillor Archenksova’s office shortly after your last visit to New Tython. Given the sensitive nature of the data, you are to be questioned about its whereabouts.”

“Oh yes, because I would most certainly plan a heist like that to take place while I was actually there. Come now, darling, give me some credit,” Lucine said as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Sorry, ma’am, but that’s not my call to make,” Creon said. “Now, if you would please come with me.”

“Oh no, darling, I could not possibly! You see, I have a d— I have plans for this evening,” the Sith said quickly. She gave him a sweet smile as she sashayed closer, before reaching up to lightly trace her fingers along his jaw-line. “How about this? Meet me at my place tomorrow, and you can ‘capture’ me there? Then we can head on over to New Tython and sort this whole mess out.”

Their eyes met, and for a moment Lucine was certain that her charms had worked. But instead of readily agreeing, the Odanite gave an embarrassed smile as he reached up to draw her hand away. “Sorry, ma’am, but I have my orders.” His tone was contrite but firm.

The Sith pouted playfully. “Oh my, that is so unfortunate. But if you insist.” She drew upon the Force and used it to give weight to her words. “All right, darling. Go on up to your ship and wait for me. I will be along shortly, I promise.”

The Jedi hesitated for a moment, a look of confusion crossing his face. It passed as quickly as it appeared, and he nodded, clearly relieved that he would not have to resort to force. “I’ll see you up there.” With that, he turned on his heel and exited the cavern.

Lucine watched him go, a sly smile on his face as she observed him. “Well, that takes care of that. Such a pity, he was adorable.”

She turned her attention back to her task and collected as much lichen as she could carry. There was still time to make her date. However, as she stepped out of the cavern, she saw a familiar figure waiting for her further up the tunnel. “Oh dear,” she sighed. “You came back.”

“I already told you, ma’am. I have my orders.” As Creon spoke, she settled into a sideways stance, bringing his hands up near his face. “This is your last chance. Come with me, or I will resort to using force.”

“Threatening a girl with a good time, are you?” Lucine murmured teasingly. “Well, I must give credit to the High Councillor, sending a handsome man like you was a stroke of genius. But I am afraid my answer remains the same.”

“I’m afraid you give me no choice,” Creon said as whirled about, aiming a kick toward her head. Lucine ducked out of the way, but before she could throw a punch of her own she felt her foot slip. She gasped in surprise as she felt started to fall to the ground. Creon’s selfless nature kicked in and he grabbed her, trying to break her fall. However, he succeeded only in losing his own balance. The pair fell into an undignified heap, with the Jedi on top of the Sith.

“Hmmm, this is cozy,” Lucine purred as she wiggled suggestively underneath him. “Are you certain you do not want to take me up on my previous offer? This would be so much more comfortable back at my place.”

Fortunately, the dim lighting of the tunnel hid the blush that crept into Creon’s cheeks. “I already told you my answer, ma’am.”

“I know, I know,” the Sith said with a sigh. “You have your orders!” As she spoke, she lashed out with her foot, kicking the knee he had been using to support his weight out from under him. As he tumbled to the ground, she threw her weight against him. They rolled over the ground, ending with Lucine on top. “But really, darling. Even you have to admit that this is fun.”

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 30 September, 2018 4:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The quiet solitude, punctuated by the steady dripping of icicles, added to the soothing atmosphere. Even the steady glow of the lichen that clung to the slick rock walls added to the overall feeling of peace. To a person in the proper frame of mind, the cavern would have been a good place to do a bit of quiet meditation.

Your introduction was absolutely captivating. The images you paint with your words actually made me shiver. The excerpt above is a snippet from your first paragraph and is an extremely powerful example of some very powerful storytelling. You set the scene with such skill that you had me hooked right from the beginning.


Needs Improvement

As Creon spoke, she settled into a sideways stance, bringing his hands up near his face.

There are a couple spots where you seem to have some pronoun confusion crop up. The above example is but one and I found myself stumble hard over it in some otherwise beautiful writing. Do watch for these instances as they can be detrimental to the immersion of the reader.

Creon’s emerald eyes met hers, and held a moment of mezmorized fantasy. His vision trailed along her porcelain neck down to the form fitting attire that teased her bosom. She smiled when she felt his gloved hand slide along her thigh, “Mmmm, that’s much better darling.”

For a moment, Creon did want her. The mission could still be completed, and he could easily take her now in the cold and still keep them warm.

The impulse for her brought a memory back to Creon, a time where he once walked with a wise man during his early days of Jedi training.


“Master Torun-Urr,” Creon asked, “What’s so wrong with lusting after someone?” He remembered a golden haired maiden of whom he danced with once at a military ball. He never knew the name of the debutante, but he always imagined himself with her despite never seeing her again.

“Even as the rain penetrates an ill-thatched home, so does lust upon an undeveloped mind. It takes you away from your true nature,” Liam replied.

“But isn’t it a natural feeling?”

“Is it? Maybe we’ve been doing it for so long that we think it’s natural, but truly we don’t know. Lust is an intense desire, and one of the most impactful to the Dark Side. When the lustful mind hungers, it is beyond the power of reason to contain. I speak not about the structure of our bodies and the elements that drive the hormonal sensations, rather the experience of desire that is from the mind. It distracts us from living life with the most clarity in the Force.”

“I’m not sure I understand, sir.”

“We never stop to question if we are lusting after someone. We are neither attentive nor aware. Thus it’s easy to allow us to fall into delusion and become unconcerned with consequences we do to ourselves and others in order to selfishly feed our appetite. This lack of clarity brings many into darkness, and there more desires are pulled like gravity until the mind is buried so far that they can’t find themselves.”

There was a moment of pause between them. Creon felt a little depressed. He heard the Jedi of Odan-Urr allowed relationships, but now he’s being told it’s unwise to pursue such desires. “I once heard that lust is often the shallow shoreline to the deep ocean that leads to love,” he said.

“It is possible to seek out love for itself without the desire being lustful. For the desire to be lustful, it has to be disordered. Whereas love is respectable, measured, and constant. Lust is hasty, furtive, and deceitful. Instead of lingering on how much you want someone, ask yourself if such a pair would be healthy for you as a man and Jedi. It’s a hard road, Creon, one that most Jedi should avoid rather than risk.”


Creon’s eyes came back up to see Lucine’s again. This time, she didn’t seem so beautiful. He didn’t see the girl who’s hair is a mess and steals his shirts. This probably wasn’t the woman who would set him up by making tea and then make him laugh so hard he would snort the tea out of his nose. This most likely wasn't the one who would someday give him a beautiful daughter to chase around and tickle or raspberry on her tummy. Instead, he saw only a Sith.

Lucine was almost taken back a bit. She had been reading Creon’s outer thoughts in hopes to find a weak spot in enticing him. However, she did not expect the idea of a family racing through his mind. The Force then called to her from his mind a single thought, Begone! Before she could speak Creon released his hands from her hips, and from his open palms came a powerful blast from the Force.

The Sith slid hard against the sleek iced cavern floor of the tunnel. She growled from the pain but forced herself up in a panicked sprint at the sound of Creon’s WESTAR-M5 being locked and loaded. The pulse-like sounds that echoed through the tunnel when Creon fired indicated to her that his selector was set to stun. When the tunnel opened itself back up to the cave she came from, Lucine bolted to a column of ice and sank to her knees to catch her breath. The sound of Creon’s boots could be heard through the tunnel opening. He wasn’t running, but the pace sounded a little faster than casual walking. She pulled out her WESTAR-34 from it’s holster underneath her legging. She looked to the selector and debated between using stun as well, or shoot to kill. Her lightsaber would do no good, as the pulse rounds for stunning generate wide rings instead of narrow bolts. It may be able to be redirected, but Lucine wasn’t willing to risk finding out.

A huge explosion thundered to her left and sent a rumble of ice chunks to fall from the roof. A second blast then followed that was even closer. Eventually a third and then forth trailed it’s way towards Lucine until she had no choice but to abandon her cover and concealment. Another grenade round flew out of his weapon towards the direction she was running, which forced her to take a large leap backwards. The Force aided in her leap helped escape the blast radius, but she lost her footing from landing on ice. Creon clicked his heels together, activating his boot thrusters, and launched himself towards his target. He had a bubble around him, likely a shield generator of some sorts, which made Lucine hesitate to fire when she brought her pistol to aim from muscle memory.

When he landed, he aggressively approached her with an aimed fist that opened up the barrel launcher to his wrist rocket. She held up her palm out to him and scooted back a little in reaction, “Wait wait wait!” she pleaded.

“There’s nothing you can-”

“What’s her name?” Lucine asks, cutting him off.

Creon blinked rapidly a few times in confusion, “What?”

“Our daughter. What would you name her?”

His heart sank in his chest in reaction to her question, because he had an answer he almost didn't want to give. The soldier could almost envision a small child before him. She had copper hair and green eyes from her mother, and the complexion and nose from her father. “Olivia,” Creon answered, looking down at the little girl before him. The rest of the world seem to fade away, because nothing else in the world gave him more peace and content than the idea of being a good father and husband someday.

But he knew that day wouldn’t come…

Creon took a knee to see her eye level, and even rested a hand on her frizzy little head. He wanted her to be real, desperately. It drove agony through his mind at the responsibility of the life he chose. He chose the life of a soldier, the life of a Jedi Knight, so that others could have the chance at the life he dreamed of. Tears escaped his eyes as he pulled her close into a hug. “I love you,” he said to the little bundle of joy that wasn’t in his life, “I’m sorry.” His mind was set on the Force, applying focus to subdue the illusion before him and the twisted tricks on his emotions.

“Daddy?” Her voice echoed. It nearly shattered Creon internally to hear it as she faded into transparency. His arms dropped to his side when there was nothing left to embrace. He then rose to his feet and looked up to Lucine. His stare was as cold as the planet he stood on, with tears that formed at the edges of his eyes that leaked a hint of ferocity.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 30 September, 2018 4:12 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“Daddy?” Her voice echoed. It nearly shattered Creon internally to hear it as she faded into transparency. His arms dropped to his side when there was nothing left to embrace.

Powerful. You use a flashback to create depth to the character and fall back in that created depth in your final few paragraphs. When you can draw on genuine emotion from a reader, you know you’ve done something right and you had me misty eyed. The above excerpt especially. Simple yet very powerful.


Needs Improvement

You focus very hard on Creon throughout your post, and it feels as though the character Lucine takes a backseat. It is common for one to be more comfortable writing their own character, we are intimately familiar with them after all. It could also be that Creon’s moments were just that much more pronounced because of the power behind those moments, such as the flashback and the final paragraph.

That was a mistake, the Sith realized. Clearly, she had touched a nerve within the Jedi. As she stared into the grief-stricken depths of his green eyes, she felt the briefest spark of guilt. That had been a low blow, even by her standards

Even still, there was no going back now. The look in the Jedi’s eyes made it clear that he was in no mood to forgive or forget.

Slowly, Creon lifted his blaster rifle and pointed it at her. The Sith made no move to fight. Instead, she simply dropped her head, allowing her scarlet bangs to cover her face. Creon’s finger found the trigger, but before he could fire, he noticed that he shoulders were trembling.

“It… it hurts, does it not? To see the thing you want most in this life, only to realize that you will never be able to actually hold it?” Lucine said in a tremulous voice. She slowly looked back up at him and he saw that there were tears sparkling in her eyes.

It’s a trick, Creon thought as he stared at her. A trick. Just shoot her. Finish your mission. He pressed his finger against the trigger of the blaster rifle once more. But hesitation caused him to pause. Could he be imagining it? Or was that genuine sorrow in the redhead’s eyes?

“A family,” Lucine breathed as a single tear sliding slowly down her cheek. “You know, sometimes I do wonder what might have been… what could be…”

Silence descended over the cavern, punctuated only by the steady dripping of melting icicles. The Sith merely sat there, staring at her hands and allowing the tears to flow freely. When she looked up at him, she saw that he was still standing there with the blaster rifle leveled on her, his eyes hard with rage.

“But that sort of thing is forbidden to us, is it not? No matter how much we want it, it simply cannot be.” Wiping her tears away, she got slowly to her feet.

“If you’re done, it’s time to go. The High Councillor is waiting,” Creon growled, in a voice choked with rage.

Lucine closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them once more, the pain and sorrow was gone, pushed to the darkest depths of her mind where it could not hurt her. She waved one hand flippantly, even as she concealed the other behind her back and made a gesture. “Are you going to shoot me, darling? Go ahead. Even with the rifle set to stun, you will still be acting out of anger. It will be the first step toward turning your back on the ideals that are keeping you from happiness. You will be doing yourself a favor.”

Her words cut through him like an icy shock. The barrel of the rifle trembled as he realized just how close he had come to casting aside the Jedi code, to direct all of his rage and grief at the Sith. He hesitated as he took a deep breath, trying to master his emotions.

His hesitation was all the Sith needed. She leaped forward, pushing the blaster rifle to the side with one hand as she brought her concealed hand up to his face. A brilliant explosion of light flared from her palm, momentarily blinding him with its intensity. The blaster rifle clattered to the ground as the Odanite stumbled backward, bringing his hands up to shield his face.

Instinctively, he reached out to the Force and could sense the confused swirl of emotions that was Lucine standing only a few feet away. He lashed out, aiming a kick where he assumed her midsection would be. The kick landed solidly, as Lucine had not anticipated his ability to sense her without being able to see. The breath exploded from her lungs as she stumbled backward.

There was little doubt that she would not be able to concentrate like this. Hastily, she drew her blaster pistol from its holster and, after taking a moment to steady her aim, snapped off a shot at his knee. The Jedi gave a cry of surprise and pain as the bolt burned into him, and he collapsed, striking his head against the icy ground as he fell.

Creon lay unmoving, unconscious from the blow to the head, and so Lucine allowed herself a few moments to catch her breath. When it had evened out, she cautiously moved toward him, nudging him with the toe of her boot. “For what it is worth, I am sorry, she told his still form. “But I simply cannot miss my date tonight. The High Councillor can wait a day.”

With that, she turned and exited the cavern. Perhaps she could still make it in time.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 30 September, 2018 4:14 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“A family,” Lucine breathed as a single tear sliding slowly down her cheek. “You know, sometimes I do wonder what might have been… what could be…”

Tugging at the heartstrings. A great culmination of the storytelling you started in your first post, you make fantastic use of the fuel added by Creon in his post to continue a wonderfully emotional journey into two rather interesting characters. I chose the above excerpt because of the emotional impact. There is not much to it yet it hits hard I feel.


Needs Improvement

You have a few punctuation errors that really stuck out including a missing period, as well as a missing closing quotation. Sometimes we just miss these things, but, definitely a read through or two can catch these minor errors.

At first she thought he was adorable, but after seeing his heart and the current stare he gave her, she thought he was gorgeous. That. That is a man, she thought. She needed to be careful with what she did next, however. She was walking on eggshells at this point.

“I-I’m sorry,” Lucine said. It was all she could think to say.

“I don’t believe you. I was told that the Sith use people. Because of that, both Sith and Jedi are raised to be weary. Such a waste in losing the potential to create bonds with more Force Users. To form friendships, family, or genuine lovers. Instead we’re here as fighters, and we’re trained to expect the worst in people. It’s too hard to fight for good, isn’t it? Too limiting for you. So you’ve learned to settle with evil. It’s why this galaxy is losing its innocence. It’s why Olivia’s innocence was an illusion.”

His brow narrowed even further into an unforgiving scowl. “You are a poison,” he growled and fired off his wrist rocket.

Lucine dove out of the way with another boost from the Force. The wrist rockets weren’t as heavy as his grenade launcher had been, but without knowing that she tried to create as much distance as she could. Although the explosion was small, it caused another rumble in the already fragile cavern. Lucine lost her pistol when she fell to her knees but then immediately balanced to get to her feet and make a break for the tunnel. This fight had taken a toll on her. Not just physically, but the overuse and reliance of the Force came with it’s mental fatigue. A part of her on an emotional level felt a toll too. She had some things to work out if she got the chance to.

Creon was able to keep his footing with much more ease thanks to the traction his armored boots lended him. If he continued to use explosives at this rate, it could risk a cave in for them both. Instead, the Odanite closed off his wrist rocket, deactivated the personal energy shield, and used the Force to pull Lucine’s WESTAR-34 to his hand. He took aim as she made a break for the tunnel. Although two ice columns somewhat obstructed his line of fire, Creon felt confident that the bolt could connect if his aim were true. When he found the moment and fired, instead of a blaster bolt, a ringed pulse flew and dissipated upon impact to a column.

The weapon had been set for stun. Perhaps it was already set that way, he thought, as her standard default instead of outright killing someone. Something in the back of his mind told him that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t in Sith nature. She also had plenty of time to consider the option. It snapped Creon out of his cold anger, but the pondering also made him lose track of her. When he looked up he didn’t see her at all. He cursed himself for allowing her to get too much distance and began a full sprint to the exit.

“9D9 Look alive,” Creon called into is comlink. The droid, settled outside the cavern entrance, rose from a small patch of snow and responded back with an online ping back to it’s master. “Follow the mission target to her ship, find a place to hide, and send out a homing beacon. Record as much as you can and transmit it to the Idiot’s Array.” The probe then adjusted it’s sight picture and scanned the landscape for the target. From Lucine’s contrasting hair color, it was able to lock on and pursue her trail.

Lucine opened the door to her Star Commuter and hurried inside. She didn’t bother to look behind her. She was too focused and desperate to leave as much as possible. She was definitely going to be late for her date with Strong, but at least now she had a proper excuse as to why she was late and unable to get Rhylance his blue lichen. When the ship hummed to life, she grasped the control and looked up through the windshield. There she saw Creon, watching her in an unmoving stoic posture. He looked directly at her, and she could feel his intentions from the Force as she raised the ship to take off into space. He wasn’t the type to give up after one encounter. She knew, eventually, she would have to face him again someday...

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 30 September, 2018 4:16 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You continue with the great storytelling from your first post, keeping high the emotions built there. It does dial back a bit, I noticed but not in any way does it act as a detriment here, rather, it seems to be replaced by a little more actions and a softer close to the battle.


Needs Improvement

Of note here, watch out for which form of “its” and “it’s” you are using. I only mention it because it struck more than a few times in both your posts. A grammar check like Scribens or Grammarly will catch these easily enough.