Knight Creon Saldean vs. Professional Jon Silvon

Knight Creon Saldean

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Professional Jon Silvon

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Mercenary, Scoundrel
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC, I'm glad to have you here and love seeing people come here to write. This match was very interesting, but also clearly shows where both of you have room to grow and become more experienced as writers. I hope that you'll both take some of my comments to heart and remember them when writing in the future.

To begin with the technical aspects of writing, both of you made a few mistakes. Syntax wise you were both very clean and professional looking, though Creon's posts had less errors thus earning him advantage. In terms of realism and continuity both of you had some issues to work over. Both of you seem to have sacrificed some of the stories consistency and realism for the sake of the story, which cost both of you points in equal measure. Try to realize that these two categories aren't here to limit your writing, or to force you to pick over endless minutiae, but rather to maintain the readers suspension of disbelief. It's important to not ignore the established timeline and circumstances and of the fight, even for the sake of an interesting plot development, because the reader will lose faith in the fights consistency. It leads to confusion and plot-holes that make the experience less enjoyable. Similarly, it's just important to make the writing work easily and realistically within the terms of the setting. The reader has to be assured that everything works on the same ironclad rules within the universe, or the setting just becomes chaotic and unpredictable.

Storywise I felt Creon had the advantage from the beginning, which set him in the lead from the start. The opening post from Jon felt weak and underdeveloped and, while his writing immensely improved during the final post, his side of the match never really recovered from that. Creon, meanwhile, started out with a strong and well crafted story which he was able to consistently maintain up until the end. This consistency help him pull out a points advantage in story, and in general, but I can't help but feel if the opening post had been more fleshed out the scores would have been much closer.

In light of all this, it is my pleasure to announce Creon Saldean as the winner.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Creon Saldean, Professional Jon Silvon
Winner Knight Creon Saldean
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Creon Saldean's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Professional Jon Silvon's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Jan-gwa City
Last Post 21 September, 2018 3:29 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Grot
Syntax - 15%
Creon Neverse Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A very small number of syntax errors were noted. Rationale: Syntax errors were noticed, but nothing impacted the reading.
Story - 40%
Creon Neverse Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The story is descriptive and flows well from beginning to end. The plot has a clear, central drive to it and both characters are represented and developed in a realistic, interesting manner. While the story is well executed, I would have looked to see something more unique story-wise to to consider a higher score. Rationale: The beginning felt weak and poorly described, though the story picks up and hits it's stride in the second post. The weakness of the opening here is what prevents this score from rising above average and I felt with a little more love and consideration put into the setting and setup this could have been something more.
Realism - 25%
Creon Neverse Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A single issue was noticed. Rationale: Two issues were noticed.
Continuity - 20%
Creon Neverse Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A single issue was noticed. Rationale: Two issues were noticed.
Creon Neverse's Score: 4.07 Major Jon Silvon's Score: 3.6
Posts

Naboo Jan-gwa City

Unlike the Gungan’s submerged capital below Naboo, Jan-gwa rests partially underwater; the majority of the city remaining above the water’s surface. A waterfall runs along the cliffs behind Jan-gwa, creating a veil of mist around the base of the city’s rounded platforms. Nocturnally illuminated, domed structures encompass the center of each platform and are home to Jan-gwa’s Gungan inhabitants. Some of the these structures extend below the water’s surface, creating an anchor that keeps Jan-gwa from floating with the currents and provides shelter to hundreds of Gungans.

Etched into the cliff walls are several faces of unknown origin. Resembling a humanoid with unembellished features, these carvings are not reminiscent of the city’s Gungan inhabitants—perhaps an indication that some other civilization might have resided near the floating city.

Jon casually strolled along the fringes of Jang-wa city, very carefully not running back to his ship. He may not have had the Force, but the feeling at the back of his neck was a familiar one, and it told him to leave the city, the whole system ideally, as quick as he could without being noticed.

Why Imperial Command had chosen him for this task, as opposed to one of their Force-adept spies, he couldn’t fathom. He suspected it had something to do with his “gift” to the Empress at her last Life Day. Bloody Imperials never could take a joke.

Regardless, it was done, and the dock where he’d parked The Carnival was just around the corn-...oh blast it.

Jon was very careful to pretend he hadn’t noticed to spy droid hovering above him, and just kept strolling towards his ship….

….Which had the same Jedi he had come here to spy on leaning against it.

“I believe this is yours?” Creon said, holding up the tiny recording device Jon had planted on him hours earlier. “Think I didn’t notice you ‘accidentally’ bump into me in the street?”

“Was kind of hoping, yeah,” Jon said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “But!” he exclaimed cheerfully, “You found me out!” Jon carefully strolled up to the wary Jedi.

“Plans are foiled, good sir! So, I’ll just take my leave and inform my superiors that-”

“Yeah, no,” Creon said, grabbing Jon by the shoulder. “See, the chieftain I was speaking too, well, he wants to talk to you. He’d like to know why someone was spying on his private conversations. I convinced him to let me bring you in.” He quite visibly put his hand on his lightsaber at this point. “Figured there’d less violence than with an open firefight in the streets.”

Jon sighed. Great. It was gonna be that kind of a night. So be it.

Jon’s wrist blade shot out immediately, and he swiped it for Creon’s legs. It didn’t even come close to connecting, with the Force to let the Jedi dodge out of the way, but that was what Jon had hoped for.

The second Creon dodged out of the way of Jon’s blade, igniting his saber in the same movement, Jon got as much distance between himself and his opponent as he could. A close-quarters fight with a Jedi was plain suicidal, and Jon knew it first hand. Instead, he drew Kuro and Shiro from their holsters, and opened fire.

Grot, 2 October, 2018 1:57 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I like the initial set up of the plot. Spy stories are always a personal favorite of mine, and give the story a number of ways to evolve. Both characters feel natural in their roles and both have a clear goal and reason for being there and fighting eachother.

Can Be Improved

A handful of syntax mistakes, particularly revolving around the use of punctuation and commas.

There was one minor realism error I noticed about halfway through the post.

"“I believe this is yours?” Creon said, holding up the tiny recording device Jon had planted on him hours earlier. “Think I didn’t notice you ‘accidentally’ bump into me in the street?”

When you consider Creon's perception and Jon's subterfuge, this doesn't really make much sense. Jon should have be more than capable of surreptitiously placing such a device on Creon. I suppose he could have discovered something of Jon's intentions with sense, but that wouldn't have necessarily revealed the device to him, and doesn't really fit the way this passage is written.

There might have even been a chance to improve the story here. For instance, suppose Creon had only noticed the listening device after the meeting, then remembered the man that bumped into him earlier that day. That way Jon is returning back to the clan with vital intelligence instead of in failure, and Creon needs to recover that intelligence to save his own mission. It could have really played up the spy drama and brought an extra level of stakes to the fight.

Speaking of the story generally, while I'm interested in the central conceit, the exploration of the setting and plot feels rather thin. In terms of setting, I don't really get much of an impression that this is Jan-gwa city rather than Coruscant, or Mos Eisley, or any other space port in the world. The sparsity of description doesn't really make anything stand out, which is a shame, because Jan-gwa is a very dramatic setting. Sitting half submerged in a lake, strange alien architecture, giant stone faces peering down mysteriously from the cliffside, a waterfall shrouding the city in mist and a constant dull roar. Any of these things could have been used to bring the setting more to life.

In terms of exploration of the plot I didn't feel it did all that much interesting or unique in that direction either. The story sets itself up as a spy story, but goes straight to a direct confrontation between the two fighters. I might have liked to see something more dynamic and tense. A shadowy chase through the alleyways of Jan-gwa, a battle of wits and skill as Jon tries to escape to his ship while Creon tries to tail and intercept him. But here the chase is already finished, indeed, it never even happened. Creon simply knew where Jon's ship was and waited there to arrest him, which felt to me like such a wasted opportunity to do something more interesting.

Hours Earlier

"Can he hear us now?" Chieftan Len Iode asked as he looked down at the recording probe sitting on his desk.

"Sort of. I had asked a friendly technician of mine, Jael Chi'ra, to alter it for me. He installed an AI scrambler. 'They should only hear comprehensible gibberish' were his exact words," Creon replied.


Elsewhere

"Aye aye. Porgs are like mushrooms, Lord Vader, I'm scared of toasters. Drink plenty of protein. 'Mowing is like shaving a planet's hair' was what my mother told me," Creon's voice relayed in an uploaded message from the probe to Jon's comlink.

The monitoring merc simply stared in a moment of silence, "The frak?"


"Negotiations with Jan-gwa's High Council can't be disrupted. If this affiliate is tied to whoever was behind the attempt on Empress Anasaye, then we can't let the opportunity slide. Bring him in. If you can't, at least get a lead."

"Roger," Creon replied, taking the recording device with him as he departed.


Now

Creon snapped the left side of his body to face Jon and brought his blade to sweep the incoming bolts. His opponent was accurate enough despite how rapid he was at drawing and firing the two pistols. However, Creon was granted enough foresight by the Force and let his hand be guided to deflect the rounds back towards Jon. The situation was already too loud for Creon's preference. With the civilian populus alerted by the conflict, it wouldn't be long before security forces would arrive to detain them both. It wouldn't bode well with the chief's meeting with the Gungan High Council either.

Jon continued his assault with his dual blasters, but after some shots nearly came back and hit him, he realized he needed a different approach. He had his knives, but that armor was too thick. He needed a way to escape, refocus his efforts and try again, or just hope the job was good enough with what he collected so far. Upon seeing Creon unexpectantly retract his saber, the mercenary brought his pistols to aim slowly and formed a look of confusion at the same speed. The Jedi also pressed a button on a device clipped on his utility belt that generated a bubble. Why would he do that? Jon thought to himself. He decided to remain cautions but wanted to test Creon's strategy by firing at him once again.

Creon quickly drew out his WESTAR-35 and aimed it with one arm. He took a deep breath and let the Force drown out his surroundings and center his focus. His other hand rested lightly on the deactivation switch on his shield generator. The shield was a two-way barrier, so he had to time deactivating just before taking the shot. The Force allowed him to ignore the constant ripples caused by the pistols and center himself on his breathing and aim with the pistol. When the moment came, Creon deactivated his shield and sent off two shots at Jon, both a direct hit on the upper torso causing him to fall. He looked to see that he too had been hit. His armor, however, seemed to take more damage than he did. He then looked to his opponent, brought up his pistol again to aim, and slowly approached his fallen target.

Jon groaned in pain from the hits on his collarbone and lower pectoral. He was thankful that nothing vital was struck, but the stinging burn hurt like crazy. He tried to bring himself up and scoot himself away with his legs when he saw Creon approach. There was no point in trying to take a shot, lest he take another hit he may not wake up from. Instead, as Creon was almost right over him, Jon primed his stun grenade, causing the soldier to stop in his tracks.

"Don't. There are civilians," Creon said, keeping tight aim with his pistol. There were some civilians still present. Most remained and stared in shock or slowly moved away to avoid danger. It wasn't a wide panic yet, which was something Creon wanted to avoid.

"You haven't given me much of a choice," Jon replied.

"I get it. You're just doing your job. Tell me who set you up to this, and why, and we can pretend this never happened," Creon offered.

"Tempting. Very, in this case. But selling out makes for bad rep, which won't get me more work in the future."

"Maybe not with your current employers, but Odan-Urr uses contractors."

"I like my work to not be regulated by Jedi morals, thank you," Jon answered. He knew not taking the Odanite's offer wasn't the best option, but he was a little limited on other choices. He could release the grenade and knock them both unconscious, then wake up somewhere in a gungan cell. The alternative could be to buy time until the security forces arrive anyway and try to look innocent and make a break for The Carnival.

"Too many people are using each other. Instead of friends we're made to be fighters, and look to expect the worst in people," Creon says with a sigh and reholstered his pistol. Is this guy nuts?! Jon thought. "Everyone thinks it's too hard to fight for good, so they learn to work with evil. Eventually... all the good people in the galaxy will be gone, and instead of happiness you'll only have havoc."

He leans over and holds his hand out for Jon to take, "Come talk to us for a bit, be honest, and I'll put in a good word for you."

Grot, 2 October, 2018 6:35 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I loved the detail placed into the fighting, and the trick Creon pulled with the shield felt clever and tense. The disparity in armor between the two of them was also a good thing to play upon, and something often forgotten about in the ACC.

I further liked how Creon used his advantage in the fight to try to recruit Jon and bring him in willingly. It keeps well with his characters and fits in with the spy-fiction conceit in that he tries to get Jon to turn double-agent. The dialogue between the two of them on this subject was definitely a highlight.

Can Be Improved

A few minor syntax errors, but nothing that particularly impacted the reading.

A single realism error was noticed when Jon was struck by two blaster bolts in the arm and collar-bone. While these areas are not vital and might not have instantly killed Jon blaster bolts are still deadly, often killing in a single shot, and these shots, especially in the collar bone, would have certainly disabled him. These are serious wounds that would need immediate medical attention, and he's almost certainly not in a position to keep fighting after this. Besides a mention of a stinging burn, the extreme nature of these wounds is really undersold.

Story-wise there were a few things that made me scratch my head a bit. For instance, the large crowd surrounding your fight. This fight isn't taking place in the middle of the street or a well trafficked area, but literally in the dock where Jon's ship is. Not exactly a place where crowds tend to gather. I could imagine a handful of workers or droids nearby tending to the ships in port, but the amount of people Creon seemed worried about seems a bit incongruous with the setting.

The jump cuts at the beginning of the post really mess with the stories pacing and tone in my opinion. The story cuts directly from a tense and serious fight scene directly into a quirky little comedy bit which, while entertaining, is really out of place. Moreover, it even introduces a continuity error into the story by having Jon monitoring as the conversation is going on. In the previous post it's clear that Jon had no idea he'd been discovered or suspected beyond a vague feeling of unease, and yet this post leaves no question that Jon must have known he was being jammed because he was listening directly into the recording. Jon's actions in the first post make almost no sense in the context of this flash-back.

Jon considered the offer, however briefly. He really did. This Creon guy...he really believed the things he was saying, and that was a rare thing. Jon knew how to spot liars, and this Jedi wasn’t one. But if he broke this contract with Scholae Palatinae, they’d hunt him til his last day. He’d seen how the Empire treated traitors, and he wasn’t popular with the higher ups as it stood. If that made him a coward… well, cowards lived longer.

Instead, Jon’s mind raced at lightspeed, trying to come up with a way out of this scenario. That was when the universe saw fit to give him one.

“Freeze! Don’t’a move!” came the heavily accented voices of the gungans security forces. They arrived in a large group, blasters all pointed at Jon...but clustered fairly close together. That was when Jon started to formulate a plan.

“Last chance,” Creon said, holding out his hand.

He looked Creon dead in the eye, saw his honesty, and buried his own guilt for lying through his teeth in return. He took the hand offered to him.

“What can I say,” Jon lied easily. “You’re pretty damn...convincing.” Creon smiled at him.

“He’s surrendering,” Creon called to the guards. “No need to fire, men.”

Jon waited for a moment, saw as the guards lowered the blasters they had trained on him, and threw his stun grenade into their mists. Creon, however, reacted far faster than on had hoped. Rather than being caught off guard, he reacted with the speed only a Force wielder could, and caught the grenade in midair, sending it flying up into the air.

Jon, by this point, was already making a break for The Carnival, pushing his way passed dazed civilians who still didn’t seem to understand what was happening in their streets. Thankfully, his pursuers were unwilling to fire into a crowd of innocent people. Jon stomped down on the guilt over that before it even really had a chance to form.

Instead, he ducked into an alley, and started frantically trying to get his comms to work, praying that he was out of range of the scrambling signal Creon had been transmitting.

“Come on, come on...Artemis?” he hissed, and felt a flood of relief at the astromech’s reply. “Can you hear me? Start the engines, we’re-”

“Not. Leaving,” said a voice behind him. Jon swore, and turned to see Creon standing in the alley’s entryway. His face had all the righteous indignation Jon had been expecting, but also...disappointment. Great. Add that to his guilty conscience for the day.

“That was a really messed up trick you pulled,” he said as he trained his blaster on Jon’s skull. “And that was a genuine offer.”

“I know,” Jon replied, glumly. “But friend, you’re preaching to the damned. I couldn’t take you up, even if I wanted to.”

“Drop your weapons on the ground, and put your hands up.”

Jon, slowly but surely, did as he requested, blasters and blades alike, and laid them on the ground. Creon, his blaster never wavering, slowly approached Jon, and took out a pair of cuffs, no doubt provided by the gungans for this particular pursuit.

Jon waited until he was close...and activated his magna gloves, pulling both their weapons, and every other piece of metal in the alley, creating a minor storm of flinging metal objects. Jon grabbed one his throwing knives out of the brief maelstrom, before everything fell back to the ground around them, and used Creon’s momentary distraction to hamstring his leg, sending the Jedi to the ground.

“Damn you, I-” Creon groaned.

“Yeah, you probably should,” was all Jon said before making his way out of the alley.

.............

About fifteen minutes of guard-dodging later, Jon finally managed to make it back onto The Carnival, and get Artemis to lift them both off.

He collapsed into his chair, utterly exhausted, and let out a weary sigh.

“So...that was a Jedi, huh?” Jon said to himself, thinking back to the man’s words about good and evil.

“....Interesting.”

Grot, 2 October, 2018 6:59 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Jon's escape feels suitably dastardly and mercenary, and the story definitely picks up here compared to the first post. The description flows much more easily compared to the set-up, and it kept me engaged through to the end.

Can Be Improved

Syntax errors continue at roughly the same rate, mostly concerned with punctuation as before.

In the beginning of the post there's a continuity error when the Security Forces show up and seem to be working with Creon and obey his orders. In the previous post Creon was afraid of the security forces arresting both Jon and himself, and clearly was not working with them. Indeed, he was concerned that they would even find out about this fight and his sudden cooperation with them is incongruous with that.

Following this up, there's a second continuity error when Jon rushes through the crowd towards his ship, then ducks into the alley. I'm not quite getting the dimensions of the battlefield here. The first post sets it up that Jon encounters Creon literally leaning up against his ship, so they must have only been a couple yards away when Creon walked up and greeted him. There's not been any major relocation during the fight, so it has to have taken place this entire time literally on the ships landing pad. Yet somehow there's an alleyway between Jon and his ship, when before it was written as being rather close. The distance just isn't consistent.

In the alleyway there was also a notable realism error when Jon uses his magnagloves. To begin with, i find it hard to believe that such a large amount of metallic debris was left sitting in the alley for him to use, especially in a Gungan city, a people noted for their use of organic technology. Furthermore, magnagloves are simply not strong enough to grab not only Creon's weapons out of his hands, but also throw all of this metal into a storm. Even if it were strong enough the metal objects would not fly around and inconvenience Creon, but fly straight towards Jon and probably deal some considerable damage to him. This is just something that's entirely not possible.

Both men were just doing their jobs. Jon spying on Creon, and Creon bringing in Jon. It’s the very reason why Creon extended a friendly offer. He believed there would be a peaceful way to go about this since there weren’t any deeper motives involved.

But Jon was NOT about to be taken in a situation where he could easily become a prisoner. The best way he’s gotten out of sticky situations before is to trust no one, Jedi or not.

“Sure, man. I’ll go. I trust you,” He says as he leveraged his non-wounded hand to Creon to help pull him to his feet. He left the stun grenade inactive where he once sat, to show Creon he wasn’t trying to play any tricks. The soldier wrapped the unwounded arm around his shoulder and started to walk with Jon in a single human crutch carry.

Creon connected his helmet with a visual screen showing Len Iode. “I’ve got our guy,” Creon announced, “He’s coming in willingly, though he’ll need some medical attention.”

Jon looked to Creon with his peripherals as he reached for the EMP grenade at his side. He was careful to avoid using his shoulder to not trigger the wound, though small degrees of sharp pain would cause him to wince.

“Good work, I’m almost to-” Len Iode said until Creon’s helmet went completely black. He felt a push from his upper back that caused him to lean forward, then tripped over a sweeping leg from underneath. He fell head first on the ground with his helmet smashing into the floor. Jon ran over to where he sat down his stun grenade from before. He looked to see Creon get on all fours and remove his helmet. He activated, tossed the grenade, and created more distance between them for safe measure. The ring from the stun grenade expanded and hit Creon square on the side of his armored torso. The Jedi yelped in pain before sliding on his back and going nearly limp.

Jon let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Creon wasn’t moving. “You know,” he began with a slow approach, “I only did this because we both know you weren’t going to give an option that let me just walk away.”

Creon was still somewhat conscious after the hit, but he could barely move anything. His nervous system and motor functions were shot, so instead, he retreated his mind into the Force. He focused on the control over his nerves from his mind down along his spine.

“Sorry chap,” Jon said as he bent down to look for anything on Creon worth looting, “But you would have forced me anyway. Get it? Because you’re a Jedi... You probably can’t hear me.”

Once Creon could spread control back into his limbs, he curled his hand into a fist and delivered a hard hook to the mercenary’s jaw. Jon fumbled from the blow to Creon’s side and took a second to shake his head straight. Creon used the Force to open the stim kit on his belt and pull the syringe to his hand. He then injected it into his thigh and received a massive surge of adrenaline and energy, restoring complete control over his body.

“Oh come on, man!” Jon said taking a wide stance as Creon got up. From his wrist bracers came two vibroblades, and the scoundrel reared his arms back to prepare to strike like a serpent.

Creon pulled out his pistol from its holster with the Force, set it to stun, and fired a direct hit to Jon. His foe tried to spring out of the way, but the shot was just too quick and he fell to the ground with a groan. Creon shot another stun round but stopped after he realized he was being petty. “Doesn’t feel good, does it?” Creon said as he came to retrieve his target.

“No…” Jon managed to escape in a weak whining tone.

It gave Creon a chuckle as he rolled the man over and took out small handcuffs and zip ties from his utility belt. After retrieving all of the belongings from the battle scene, he lifted Jon over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Just as he was about to leave, six mounted Gungan guards came with electrically charged spear tips.

“Yousa! Stop right there!” one called.

It was better to cooperate than to cause any more of a scene. The guards didn’t know what occurred here, and he was sure Chief Len will get him out after his dispute with the Jan-gwa High Council. Jon will likely be imprisoned too, which will allow Len plenty of time to decide on what to do with him. The soldier set his captured foe back down and raised his hands up to willingly be arrested.

Grot, 4 October, 2018 4:26 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The use of the EMP grenade I felt was especially clever. Disrupting the H.U.D to blind someone is something I honestly have never seen done before and felt it was quite interesting. The ensuing conversation between the characters also felt very natural and well considered.

Can Be Improved

That pun was bad and you should feel bad.

Syntax errors continue at roughly the same rate, but nothing serious enough to look into in any major detail.

The ending here didn't really have much to set it apart. It reads perfectly well, but for a higher score I would have wanted something a bit more unique or well crafted. Simply stunnning Jon and surrendering to the gungan police didn't do much that i found memorable or particularly exciting.