Mystic Jael Chi'ra vs. Seer Aiden Lee Deshra

Mystic Jael Chi'ra

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Sephi, Force Disciple, Techweaver
vs.

Seer Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 3, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

First and foremost, thank you both for participating in the ACC's competition Tempered Iron. It's nice to see familiar writers and learning about characters and their alts. I have to say, unfortunately, that this match wasn't as impressive as some of the other performances written on these characters. The beginning of this had very good fiction writing, in terms of interaction and cause for conflict. It was a nice setup and definitely set the tone for each of the characters going forward. It took quite a while for the actual combat to start, unfortunately, which is the point of the ACC.

The story took a turn mid-way due to slimy tentacle monsters. This was a good curve. The twist fell short, however, with endings that were kind of expected and missed opportunities. Whether Jael chose to save Aiden, sit there in fear, or walk away from it all, we needed some kind of inner dialogue or narrative that described his struggle. Being able to write the emotional and psychological conflicts with characters will help make a reader become more invested in them, and also immerse themselves in the story. This wasn't done on either side, and it would have been really nice to see. If Jael had walked away, rationalizing it to himself that logical survival was a higher principle to him than moral courage, that would have been beautiful.

Of course, we would have Aiden survive the encounter, that makes sense and would kind of kill the story short if there wasn't some way to address the tentacle conflict. Having Aiden free himself, and then go after Jael being pissed off for being left to fight by himself or abandoned, would have set the story higher. It would have continued the fight, and give heighten emotions for the conflict in both contenders after everything they just went through.

I hope this is taken into consideration going forward because it's a good element to use. Both of you are good writers, don't get me wrong. But elements like these turns good stories into great ones.

The winner of this match by 0.375 is Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance (Aiden).

~ Judged by Creon Saldean

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Jael Chi'ra, Seer Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Seer Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Jael Chi'ra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Luprora: Rising Tides
Last Post 25 September, 2018 3:16 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Lieutenant Creon Neverse
Syntax - 15%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Very few, but none so major that it made me ask what's going on. Rationale: I gave the advantage because I actually had to go through the posts twice just to catch some, and then tally them up in comparison. Aside from more complex errors that are really just semantics, the writing was pretty good.
Story - 40%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: I give the advantage here because of the actual combat between to competitors and the twist given at the end when Aiden was taken by one of the Tsw'ells. Rationale: There was a beginning, reason for conflict, and an end. It would have been nice to see some combat in the first post and internal struggle in the final.
Realism - 25%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Everything looked pretty solid. Rationale: The "ship" they arrived on confused me. See comments.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues detected. Rationale: No issues detected
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.25 Vorran Shadowfeather's Score: 3.87
Posts

Luprora Rising Tides

At one point in time Luprora stood as a haven to the immigrated Lupr’or. The haven did not last as worsening climates reduced the population down to a single settlement. All that remains is the corpse of a civilization, constructed from a combination of wood and metal that barely resemble buildings. They function more as a protective shell and a solid frame for those that remain, hoped to be far outside the reach of the native threats.

The rising tide of the expansive seas lap at the outcroppings of obsidian rock that makes up what remains of the land. Mountainous croppings that shrink with the coming waters. Passageways and staircases are carved into the stone itself, left to assist those travelling in low tide. The scattered relics of technology lies abandoned throughout the expanse as a testament to the Lupr'or's original immigration, left unused and at the mercy of erosion and time.

Luprora Rising Tides

The tide stands as the greatest threat to life on Luprora. Starting at its lowest point at dawn, the tide rises throughout the day and brings with it the native Tsw’ells. These tentacled monstrosities sleep in the earliest hours of the morning and reside in the ocean’s waters. It is ill-advised to travel along the shoreline, as Tsw’ells have been known to drag unsuspecting individuals to their deaths beneath the waves. These massive creatures aren't the lone threat to those who trespass upon the surface. The R’ora live among the shallow outcroppings across the planet. Extremely territorial, this species is sentient enough to wield primitive polearms and rely on the presence of Tsw’ells for protection.

Luprora the haven is a promise lost to the sea, with only the battle for survival left behind.

“Must we actually come to this planet?” the Sephi-Kiffar asked as he shuddered with the visual of seeing tentacles sliding across the shoreline as the ship came to land on the surface. The ship had made its descent safely to a large island with stone structures, but not much could be said for the local fauna. He watched while the ship landed as a few of the local R’ora were pulled into the depths and groaned loudly with a turn of his attention onto his traveling companion, Aiden.

“We are sent here on a mission for the alliance, so we must complete it,” the Arconan coldly responded with a congruent facial expression as he did not have the time or the mood to cater to the Odanite’s whining. The point of this mission was to investigate the disappearances of Clan members upon this planet as there had been almost half a dozen distress signals with both Odan-Urr and Arcona signatures.

“But the tentacles!” the dark haired Sephi-Kiffar yelled as he had returned his attention through the glass of the ship. His gaze happened upon a line of the Tsw’ells’ tentacles whipping their appendages as additional R’ora moved around the shallow waters in order to protect their kin, who appeared to be restrained by the monstrous creatures. “Should we help them?”

Aiden, who had moved from his seat and began to work upon his gear, responded with an indifferent remark about how it would take away from the mission. “I understand that life is sacred, but there are some planets who are ruled by a specific purpose for each creature. This planet is no different than those,” the Arconan said in a cool tone with a oddly pained expression as if he were attempting to reassure himself of this notion. He turned his attention now to Jael to meet his eyes with both a grieving and determined expression. “Shall we leave the ship now to complete our mission?”

The Sephi-Kiffar frowned, crossed his arms, and muttered an affirmative response as he turned his attention from the Arconan to stare at his droid who had just stirred within his relaxed position. While Jael’s attention was distracted with the droid, Aiden took this time to leave the ship and begin his survey of the island. The Odanite just scoffed once he realized Aiden had left the ship as he rolled his eyes while he maintained his crossed arms and leaned against the ship’s inner hull.

“Sleep well, bud?” Jael asked as the droid let loose a set of excitable beeps. “Alright… let’s get out there before Mister ‘Jedi-wannabe’ gets too invested in completing this mission without considering safety.”

Roughly thirty minutes later, Jael began his usual incessant whining as the three of them had managed to find their way to the shoreline while Aiden kept staring at his scanner. There were some appendages sticking out from the water which snapped and whipped in their direction. The Tsw’ells’ tentacles produced a sense of increasing dread and bordering phobic twitching in the Odanite as he hurried himself to be closer to Aiden.

“Hey… Guy!” he started to yell, to which the Arconan was quick to place his hand up while still staring at the scanner in order to silence the whining. “Don’t you put your hand up in my face,” Jael growled as he moved Aiden’s hand away and pressed his hands against the chest and shoulder of the man. “Listen to me before you get us killed,” he continued to growl.

Aiden, who had been patient enough with the forced companionship, responded with a press of will against Jael’s body and sent him backwards into the cliff wall with enough force that the wall shook.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 6 October, 2018 10:41 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There’s an unconventional beginning in this battle, but in a good way. Both contenders start as friends and slowly get to an escalated conflict towards the end of the post. This isn’t the first battle to use this technique. The way it was presented, however, kept me focused to find out what the reason for the fight would end up being.

Can Be Improved

Both ships in both character’s loadouts are the same ship. The Mankvim-814 Light Interceptor is designed to only hold a single person. It’s unspecified which ship Jael and Aiden arrived on, but both of them couldn’t fit in either available. The mention of using a clan-based vessel perhaps, or having them land on separate ships together while communicating through comlinks would have been a better option here.

Aiden looked to the Jedi with a hint of regret in his eyes. His anger had gotten the better of him and he knew an apology would have to be made. He also knew that the apology would possibly not be accepted at this time. He watched as the Sephi-Kiffar hybrid stood back to his feet, disbelief adorning his face. The nearby BB-unit whirled and beeped at the Gray Jedi for his excessive show of force.

“Are you kidding me?” Jael yelled, upset at the Arconan.

“I apologize for letting that get out of hand, but we have a mission to complete here, Jael. I realize that you’re afraid, but I can’t let your fear stand in the way of completing the mission. The lives of our comrades depends on it.” Aiden turned back toward the sea as he gazed at his scanner.

“Frak that, I ain’t dyin' so you can play hero. It’s obvious what happened to them, wouldn’t you say? They got too close, and those creatures made them into a meal. I’m outta here.” Jael turned on his heel and strode away, his droid following close behind.

Aiden couldn’t believe his ears. This member of the Jedi Clan would rather tuck-tail and save his own skin than complete this assignment? The Gray Jedi was having none of it. He walked after his partner to make sure they got the job done. As his hand grasped the Odanite’s shoulder, Jael reacted on instinct. He spun to the left, sweeping his leg at Aiden’s own feet. Not expecting the reaction, the Arconan was knocked off of his feet.

“Don’t touch me again, Arconan. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. Obviously your pride is worth more than my life, so you’re on your own now.” Jael again turned away, and this time Aiden was well and truly pissed.

Leaping to his feet, he rushed forward, his steps quiet on the ground. He swiftly leapt forward, aiming a nimble kick at the back of Jael’s knee. The attack landed, popping the joint forward and forcing the ex-Sith into a kneel. The Odanite quickly recovered, and matched his opponent blow for blow. Keeping his balance, Jael circled Aiden. The two figures eyes remained locked and when one struck forward, the other deftly blocked and positioned themselves for a quick counter offensive.

Jael had a clearly superior understanding of the martial art they shared. With his deeper knowledge he was able to outmatch the Gray Jedi, finding a weak-point in the Arconan’s defense. Taking his opportunity, Jael ducked beneath Aiden’s incomming strike. With the fluidity of a stream, he pushed himself forward and up, hitting his opponent with an open-palmed strike to the sternum.

Aiden could feel the air forced from his lungs as he crumpled to the ground. Aiden laid there for a moment as Jael kept himself guarded.To be defeated by this coward would not be deemed acceptable by the Arconan. Breathing in deeply Aiden prepared himself for his retaliation. Regaining his composure, the Arconan got up and rushed his enemy again.

As the two Force-users clashed, the roars of the Tsw’ells grew louder. The beasts' tentacles whipped closer, smashing against the side of the mountain on which the fight took place. Rocks fell from above, closing in on the fighters. Both Jael and Aiden swiftly moved out of the way of the falling debris.

“Frak this! We need to leave now,” Jael shouted, fear evident in his eyes. The Sephi-Kiffar hybrid didn't want to end up like the others from his Clan and he was sure his High Councillor would understand.

Aiden had had just about enough of the Odanite’s incessant whining. They served their Clans, and they should do so in a manner befitting such organizations something, in the Gray Jedi’s eyes, Jael was incapable of.

Even though some of his friends and clanmates have gone missing on this planet, he couldn't even be bothered to try? Aiden thought to himself in disgust. It showed a great amount of weakness, and he had no respect for such cowardice. The Gray Jedi stood up and faced his partner but neither of them realized how close they’d come to the edge of the mountainous cliff.

“We have been given orders. A mission that could potentially save lives. And you…you wanna run away scared? You lack conviction! You lack a spine!”

As Aiden admonished Jael, the Force-user from Odan-Urr looked down. The Arconan’s words hit him hard. Both of them were distracted, almost so much that neither realized the incoming danger until the Force intervened. Scrambling to safety, the two fighters moved to get away from the edge, but Aiden had been closer to it. A long pink tentacle whipped towards him, wrapping around his torso and pulling him high into the air.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 6 October, 2018 10:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

A long pink tentacle whipped towards him, wrapping around his torso and pulling him high into the air.

Dun Dun DUN!!! I see what you did here, mister; using the venue to throw a curveball in the story at the end of your post. How both characters respond to this can very, but is now expected to be addressed in the final posts. This gives an interesting twist that challenges both your opponent and yourself as a writer. It also adds flavor to the story, good job.

Can Be Improved

kept himself guarded.To be

Space after period. Spellcheck could have helped with that.

The nearby BB-unit whirled and beeped at the Gray Jedi for his excessive show of force.

Not worth a detraction from a score, but the Droid kinda disappears from the scene after this. You think it would want to somehow help in the fight anyway it can, or atleast give some reaction once the two break up the fighting.

Without hesitation, Jael proceeded to ignite his blade as he released it from its attachment at his waist. Wielding the red blade in his right hand, he charged into the fray, screaming as he did. Once he was close enough, the Odanite jumped forward to attack the rose-colored tentacle before it could drag the Arconan into the depths of the sea. Tensing and releasing his muscles, he swung the blade with each slice through the creature’s appendage. With the initial cut, Jael could feel the sensation heat on his face as he pressed his body into the cutting of the tentacle with his might against the body of the appendage. Quickly the wound was cauterized by his saber and he pulled back once he felt he had cut far enough into the creature’s tentacle.

“Aiden,” he screamed as he moved to slice again through part of the meat, pressing his blade as hard as he could. He met some additional resistance as he pressed against the bone now with his saber. “Get ready to drop,” he added as he pushed through with his blade through part of the tentacle body.

Once much of the appendage had been sliced through, the tentacle released the restrained Aiden from high in the airy. As he fell, the Arconan began to press his will upon the environment below once he was close enough to the sand, allowing him to gently fall. Once he landed, Aiden looked around for his companion and the location of the creature who had attacked him. A loud roar could be heard as the beast felt the stinging and burning sensation of Jael’s blade cutting through the rest of the appendage with sure strength.

“Frak off,” the Odanite yelled as he felt the meat melt away, causing him to stumble slightly forward into the middle of the appendage’s newly formed large wound. When he attempted to correct his footing, Jael felt himself slip backward with an overcorrection, his feet sinking into the sands beneath him. He waved his arms out wildly in the air as he completely fell upon his backside, dropping his saber as the blade released itself from the device.

“Fraking hell! Now there will be sand everywhere,” the Odanite muttered as he sat up and tossed his hands in the air.

Quickly the man realized he needed to leave the spot he had fallen to as the creature who owned the amputated appendage roared. With a whip and snap of its other appendages, two more tentacles came from around the beast’s body, poised to attack the downed Odanite.

“Shit!” The Odanite screamed as he placed his arms up to block the incoming attack of two appendages, only to be met with a binding sensation around his throat and torso. He could sensation of the suckers pressing against his throat as the appendage began to crush his throat as the other dragged him closer to the body of the beast.

“Ha..lp… Me-e,” Jael managed to gasp out as he placed his gaze upon the Arconan who was already in action to save his companion.

“Trying,” the Arconan responded with a low mutter as he jumped forward upon a third appendage which stayed close by the beast, its tentacle whipping and snapping itself in excitement. He slid down the spine of the tentacle until he came close enough to slice into the beast’s neck with his saber.

Once his blade met the neck of the beast, Aiden began to press his strength into his saber, wielding the Force in his attack. Centimeter by centimeter, the beast’s neck slowly separated in a satisfying rip, the animal already thrashing its body in retaliation. It’s feeble efforts quickly faded as the saber slowly cut through its thick neck. The tentacle thrashed its body around in retaliation which its movements quickly faded away as the saber cut the meat of the beast. Within a few minutes, the creature was nearly headless, its head only partially connected. The appendages restraining Jael released and he allowed himself to fall against the sand in defeat.

“The fraking thing almost killed me,” the Odanite muttered in disgust as he placed his hand against his throat.

“Consider us even,” Aiden spoke with a soft smirk and shook his head as he began to walk away. “We should probably move on with the mission and get out of this area before more of them come back.”

“Seriously! You’re still on about that?” Jael groaned as he watched the Arconan walk away and he began to mutter obscenities to himself.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 6 October, 2018 10:38 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There is a nice descriptive flavor here when Jael attempts to save Aiden. I highly recommend you play around in the Scenario or Cooperative Hall sometime for funsies. It’s not everyday I get to read characters interacting in a tense situation when faced with a shift between fighting themselves to facing a new foe in the venue. The visuals on how Jael uses his saber, and then Aiden using his to save each other was crystal in my imagination. The words you wrote did that, so good job.

Can Be Improved

Without hesitation, Jael proceeded to ignite his blade as he released it from its attachment at his waist.

Why not hesitate, though? This seems too heroic for someone that’s Grey Path, given his Personality Aspect, and from the fact Jael was willing to leave Aiden alone to die over a mission anyway. It would have been nice to at least see some internal struggle for Jael. He could swallow his fear and muster the courage to save someone for whatever reason. Or debate that over walking away to let Aiden die and Jael keep his own neck. This would open up a struggle and opportunity for development. It’s something to consider when you have a morally “grey” character.

Aiden felt the intensity of the air rushing past his body as the oxygen forcibly exited his lungs. He could feel the tiny barbs of the tentacle pad digging into his robes and flesh. Pure shock set in as he realized the situation he was in. He could still see Jael standing on the mountainside a look of absolute terror seared across his face. Shock turned into an adrenaline-fueled sense of survival as the tentacle pulled him, towards the ocean below.

Blood pounded in his head to the beat of his overworking heart. He fought to stay conscious through the changing pressure and his right hand grasped hold of his lightsaber hilt hanging from his belt. Aiden activated the silver blade as the tentacle raised him into the sky once more, he waited for the right opening. He watched the cliffside soar past his view and slashed the blade thought the pink rubbery flesh of the beasts ligament.

The Gray Jedi’s body fell through the air, still wrapped up by the beasts appendage. As the Tsw’ell roared in agony Aiden fought to break free of the tentacles hold. The barbs tore into his skin as he ripped them off and he continued to fall from the sky, heading for the rocky ledge below.

Jael watched all of this with a legitimate feeling of concern. His fears had been realized as he watched his partner get ripped into the sky. Now he could only watch as the Arconan fell through the air. Though they had fought, Jael didn’t want Aiden to die, especially not this way so the Odanite did the only thing he could think of. He used his full concentration to manipulate the Force around him. He wouldn’t be able to stop Aiden’s fall, but maybe he could slow the speed of the descent. Survival was the most important thing now.

Aiden fell, but he could feel the warmth of the Force around him, almost cloaking him in its protective embrace. He could feel himself fall somewhat slower, enough maybe that he could still save himself. The Arconan Channeled the invisible energies around him into his muscles. He turned himself in the air so that his feet faced the ground instead of his head. Blood flowed from his torn skin, and the pain was making his concentration that much more difficult, but this was life or death. He’d survived so much at this point, to die like this was not allowed.

Keeping his concentration, Aiden watched as the ground came up faster and faster. His descent was slowing as he got closer to Jael, who held his hands out in front of him. The Odanite’s face was contorted painfully as his skin went red from the strain. Aiden landed hard against the ground, his feet taking the full impact. A snap was heard as his right ankle, fibula and tibia broke from the strenuous landing. The Force had helped him strengthen his body enough to survive, but it wasn’t enough to keep him undamaged.

Jael ran for the downed Arconan who cried out in sheer agony. Their mission was over, and the two needed to get to safety. Helping Aiden to his feet, while supporting his broken leg and foot, Jael led the way back to their ship, his BB-unit following closely. Behind them, the Tsw’ell angrily roared, upset at its lost meal.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 6 October, 2018 10:38 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I half expected Jael to come to the rescue, but here we have him struck by fear. So instead Aiden helps himself out of his situation, but then Jael came to the rescue in the fall. It was nice to see the internal conflict here with Jael, even if for a moment, to save Aiden rather than just stay “Nah”. The internal moral struggles are nice to see.

Can Be Improved

There was a missed opportunity here, I think. Having Aiden free himself was nice, but there could have been more to it. Jael, although true in continuity of being frozen in fear and not interfering, would more of likely “noped” and taken off. It already seemed like he was willing to let Aiden stay and die anyway, so why sit and watch? Then, once Aiden escaped and caught up, that would have been a perfect reason for a pissed off Arconan to continue the fight against someone who didn’t help. Thus continuing the actual duel between each other and making things more interesting.