Battlemaster Lucine Vasano vs. Warrior Magik

Battlemaster Lucine Vasano

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Warrior Magik

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
Comment

First off I'd like to thank you both for participating in the Operation: Tempered Iron event. It was a joy to read this match, and there are both clear strengths and areas to improve for both of you.

Lucine, I think you did well to provide most of the story behind the confrontation and did so in a way that called back to one of Magik's previous matches. Often if someone were doing something like this it would've involved both characters or just their own, so using your opponent's history and making it relevant to your character was a nice touch. I go into detail with this in the post comments, but I think a definite area for improvement for you would be to find a balance between combat and dialogue. Overall, you still did exceptionally well, and I look forward to seeing more matches from you in the future.

Magik, unfortunately, there were quite a few things you could improve on. Most notably Continuity and Syntax, detailed in the comments on your posts. A proofreader is a massive help and I think could take you to a higher level of performance than you are currently at. The most important thing is to learn from your mistakes and use them to become a better writer, which is why these things are judged and feedback provided.

Thanks again for your participation and I declare Lucine Vasano the winner.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lucine Vasano, Warrior Magik
Winner Battlemaster Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Interrogation Facility
Last Post 18 September, 2018 5:55 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Magik Lucine Vasano
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple repeated and frequent errors affected the readability of the posts. Rationale: Solid overall, just a few slip-ups.
Story - 40%
Magik Lucine Vasano
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: The story jumps all over the place, and the posts seem rushed. You tried to tell a story along the same lines as the one presented but in a more idealistic version for your character. Rationale: A solid story, the ending was a nice callback to the start of the match where Lucine outsmarted Magik.
Realism - 25%
Magik Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Miswriting of the damage a lightsaber would do in your first post. Rationale: No faults.
Continuity - 20%
Magik Lucine Vasano
Score: 1 Score: 5
Rationale: Both posts don't seem to acknowledge previous posts. Rationale: No errors found here.
Magik's Score: 2.45 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.45
Posts

Mustafar Interrogation Facility

Mustafar is a planet steeped in a dark history, acting as a point of interest as far back as the Clone Wars themselves. At one point, the Black Sun constructed their headquarters upon its surface and later on even Darth Vader took up residence within his dark castle. The traces of this history are still found in the form of the remains left behind. Mining facilities are scattered across the lava-surface of the scorching planet, help up with gravity supports that keep them safe from the superheated material below.

Perhaps its most notable history came via a single uttered phrase: Mustafar is where Jedi go to die. The hidden interrogation facility built into the scorched stone is steeped in the dark side, providing a clue to its wicked purpose in a time not so long past. A large, single landing pad acts as the focal point of the structure from the outside. It is connected by a causeway that leads to a security door that has fallen into disuse. The facility itself is still functional, drawing power from the thermal energy of the planet itself.

Once within, one is confronted by the labyrinthine maze of corridors and offices that were clearly designed for a singular purpose. The holding cells are as spartan as any other Imperial construct, providing only a slab protruding from the wall as a bed and nothing more. Barracks can be found near the main control rooms with its shelving in various states of disarray. It is clear with only a glance that scavengers have already picked the inanimate corpse clean of its contents.

However, it is deeper still where the miasma of the dark side truly reaches its zenith. There one will find the interrogation chambers. Wickedly cruel in their singular purpose, stains can still be found caked into the durasteel panels themselves alongside various tools and instruments of the trade plied within.

To walk within Mustafar's Interrogation Facility is to tread through the ghosts of the planet's darkest past. It is a symphony for the wicked and a requiem for the pious.

The sound of Magik’s footsteps echoed off the walls as he wandered through the labyrinthine facility. The Dark Side seethed around him, like a ravening beast that had grown fat on the suffering that had taken place here, and now longed to be fed again. He had no idea why his contact had chosen this place to meet, but he was determined not to let his unease show. He had no reason to fear the ghosts of the past.

At last, he reached the door of the interrogation chamber and peered inside. In the dim lighting, he could the dark stains on the walls and the gleaming instruments that had brought horror and pain to a countless number of Jedi. But, other than the souls of the tormented dead, there was no one in there. Apparently, his contact had not yet arrived.

He sighed heavily and shook his head. He hoped that his contact would not keep him waiting. His time was valuable.

Just as he was beginning to wonder how long he would be made to wait, he heard the sound of footsteps in the hallway. He turned to see a familiar redhead striding toward him. Lucine Vasano, the Aedile of House Qel-Droma, was a familiar sight to the Arcanist.

“So you are my contact, then?” he asked as the woman drew nearer.

Her lips were curved into a friendly smile, but her eyes bored into him with a chill that struck him to his core. “No, darling.” She lifted her arm to reveal a Westar-34 Blaster Pistol. “I am your executioner.”

The blaster barked three times. Magik hastily dove behind the wall as the bolts sailed through the door frame and burned into the wall behind him.

“Did you really think I would not find out about your little side business, traitor?” the redhead called from the hallway. “That you have been sending information about our tactics to the Inquisitorius? That you had accepted a contract to kill our Quaestor?”

Magik could hear her footsteps as she moved closer to the door. Gritting his teeth, he pulled himself into a crouch and gripped his lightsaber tightly. The blade ignited and he tensed, ready to attack as soon as Lucine came into view.

“It is true that Rhylance is the most infuriating and arrogant creature I have ever met. But he is one of the few people I actually like in this thrice-be-damned Brotherhood. If you think I am going to allow you to kill him, you are sadly mistaken!” The redhead darted around the corner, her blaster aimed directly at him.

Magik did not bother to speak. He launched himself forward, lightsaber held at the ready. The plasma hummed as he brought the weapon down in a neat arc, slicing through Lucine’s midsection. Emerald eyes widened with shock, and a moment later the illusion faded away.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 20 September, 2018 1:11 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Illusion


I like how the post dealt with the use of Illusion, the reader, as well as Magik, are kept in the dark as to what’s Lucine and what’s the Illusion. It ties in neatly to Lucine’s Unconventional Combatant aspect and linking combat aspects into how someone conducts themselves in combat is a good thing. Maybe writing down the aspects of the characters can help you do this more.

Can Be Improved

Word Count


Clocking in at just under half the available word count the post felt like more could have been done with it. Either planning out the post beforehand or setting aside more time to write it could help fulfil more of the potential this post had.

Mustafar Interrogation Facility has been known for it's dark history. The lava surface can consume ones own mind. It was here were Jedi come to die after being interrogated. The remnants of corpses and blood stains echoe from within the facility. The holding cells tell stories of there own as the sight of ghosts only terrify the soul.

After the assassination attempt of Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance on the Godless Matron. Magik was now on the run. Arcona had been very secretive in their motives against the Quaestor. This operation had now led Magik here to Mustafar's Interrogation Facility where he would rendezvou with Battlemaster Lucine Vasano the Aedile of House Qel-Droma. A sticky situation as his contact was also now wanted by Arcona for colluding with Colonel Rhylance. As their meeting had been put in place by Arcona Mustafar was the perfect location for seeking answers. Nothing would go unnoticed here in the Interrogation facility as Arcona wanted answers.

As the blaster bolts Lucine had fired off sank into the door smoke filled the air seeping through the holes in the door. Magik had sliced through the midsection of Lucine's Assassin armor with a swift counter attack from his lightsaber. The armor was smoldering as she backed up and took to her knees. Magik stood above her waiting to finish her off. "Now, tell me you did not come here to defend Rhylance," Magik's voice rang in her head as she looked up into his eyes. " I came here for answers Lucine, if I do not get them then you can join Rhylance," Magik explained to her the circumstances behind the attempt on Rhylance. She responded, "It does not have to come to this Magik!" Magik rolled his eyes at her as he clenched the grip of his lightsaber.

"Get up and face me Lucine," Magik demanded of her. He did not want to harm her in anyway as she hsd been a trusted Arconan, but Magik was compelled to do so if necessary. She stood up as the streaks of metal were buring in her armor. She then took a couple paces backwards to distance herself from him. As they now were standing meters apart Magik's blade lit the room with a glow.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 20 September, 2018 5:40 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Dialogue


The dialogue in the post does a decent job of furthering the narrative throughout the post. I would suggest including more in an effort to bolster the story.

Can Be Improved

Continuity


To be put simply, the post ignores the previous post entirely and then acts as if it is the opening post. I would suggest making sure there’s a post before the one you’re writing and make note of what happened so you know what you can write.

Lucine’s emerald eyes were wide, and her thoughts raced as she tried to figure out what in the world had just happened. At last his words registered, and she slowly reached down to pull her lightsaber from her belt.

“You wish for me to face you?” she asked quietly, igniting her lightsaber as she spoke. The glow of the green plasma blade reflected in her eyes. “Very well, darling, though I suspect you will regret that request in a very short period of time.”

She fell into a familiar stance, holding the plasma blade above her head and parallel to the filthy ground while her right hand was stretched in front of her. Magik’s expression filled with disbelief as he recognized what was clearly defensive posture. I already cut her armor. Does she really think she has any hope of fighting me?

“You can’t be serious,” he said as he adopted a more casual stance, his weapon held loosely in his hand.

“I assure you that I am in deadly earnest,” Lucine murmured in reply.

“If you insist. One way or another, I’ll have my answers even if it means removing a limb or two!” As the words left his lips, Magik darted forward in what appeared to be a reckless charge. He swung his lightsaber toward her in a wide arc, but the redhead deflected with a quick flick of her own weapon.

“Oh, I will be happy to talk, darling!” Lucine replied as she responded with a quick thrust of her blade.

Magik deftly deflected it. “Then tell me why! Why did you collude with Rhylance? What did you two possibly hope to gain?” He punctuated his words with a series of quick, almost haphazard attacks. Each one was parried, though the Sith made no move to counterattack.

“Is it not obvious, darling? We had similar goals. It made for a natural alliance,” Lucine said with a smirk.

The Warrior did not bother to reply. Instead, he launched into a complex series of attacks as he tried to penetrate the redhead’s defense. Lucine stood firm, deflecting his blows but refusing to be drawn into making an attack of her own.

“Say what you will, but Rhylance’s genius cannot be denied,” the Sith continued. “We had it all planned out, the perfect scheme that would have neatly placed Arcona under our control. It was a thing of beauty, and you destroyed it.”

Magik fell back, panting from his exertions. It was obvious that the two of them were evenly matched when it came to lightsaber combat. As he studied his opponent, it dawned on him that a change had come over the redhead. The charming, personable facade that she typically used was falling away to reveal her true nature. Her face was cold, emotionless, but her eyes held hatred and the promise of death.

She seems to be getting slower in deflecting against my attacks, Magik thought desperately as he considered the situation. But he was also getting tired from his exertions. He had to end this quickly. How could he get past her defense?

“So what was it? What was the plan?” he asked as he reached out with the Force, concentrating on three of the wicked-looking torture implements that rested on a nearby shelf.

“I suppose it does not matter now, does it? And even if I did tell you—” Lucine’s words were abruptly cut off with a gasp as the blood-crusted tools were suddenly hurled toward her. She cut one neatly in two. The second grazed past her face, leaving a jagged cut on her cheek. The third bounced ineffectually off of her damaged armor.

Magik took advantage of her distraction by darting forward with a shout, slashing at her with his lightsaber. Surprised, Lucine stumbled backward. Instead of cutting off her hand, as he’d intended, the plasma blade cut through the hilt of her weapon.

“It’s over!” the Warrior snarled as he leveled his lightsaber at his fallen foe.

But Lucine only glared up at him. She took a deep breath as she drew upon her rage and her hatred, throwing all of her will against him. Tendrils of darkness tore into his mind. He gritted his teeth as he fought against the intruding presence that sought to dominate him entirely. His body gave an involuntary shudder as he fought the psychic battle.

“You are quite correct. It is over,” the Sith hissed.

The plasma blade that was leveled at her throat trembled, then was slowly lowered as the Warrior’s mental defenses fell away beneath the redhead’s onslaught. He could only stare in horror as a wicked smile spread slowly across Lucine’s face.

He shuddered as a series of rapid-fire images accosted his mind: horrifying, agonizing acts that only the most sadistic mind could have conceived. “He was my friend,” the redhead said softly. “Given time, he might have become more than that. You took something very precious from me, Magik. You made me hurt. So now, I am going to take my time and repay the favor.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 September, 2018 12:27 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Ending


I liked the ending to the post because it sets up a future story beyond the match. That is important because matches are just a snapshot, albeit a violent one, of a character’s life and if they don’t die, they’ll go on to do other stuff. To make use of this more, I would spend some time thinking about who is going to be the victorious combatant and what would they do with their defeated foe.

Can Be Improved

Dialogue


The dialogue in the post feels like it is the focal point of the post with the combat filling in the gaps between the bouts of dialogue. I would suggest finding more of a balance, perhaps writing more combat and cutting out a little dialogue in the future.

The echoes of tormented souls filled the Interrogation Facility. The blood stains seeped into the floors and walls. The durasteel panels kept the facility in place. As the Jedi were taken here to die.

Magik kept his ground as Lucine stood to her feet. The Dark Side was feeding off her pain as she was trembling with fear. Scared and nearly sliced Lucine backed away from Magik as they faced eachother. "Lucine, we don't have to kill eachother here! We can go back to Estle City and sort this mess out together," Magik pursuaded her to give in as he knew it had to end here and now.

"Yes let us go back to the Dajorra System and face our conspiritors," Lucine grieved as she took Rhylance side. Magik agreed to her demands for the time being.

As they worked out their differences Magik turned his back and left her alone in the Interrogation Chamber. As he exitted he turned quickly slammed the door and locked it behind him. Leaving her trapped inside with nothing of use. She screamed and panicked for her life. "No Magik No, you cannot do this to me," Magik put an end to the bickering. As he quietly listended to her screams he knew nobody would come to her rescue. Just like a Jedi she would succumb to the Dark Side.

His orders were complete as he sent communications back to Estle City. Her torment now echoed through the halls of Mustafar. It excited him to hear her screams as she begged him to free her. The Interrogation chamber would be her final resting place. Like a prisoner she was to be left here on Mustafar to suffer.

As Magik left the facility he threw the keys to her chamber and all her belongings in the nearby lava. He did not want her escaping by any means. He then made his way to the landing pad where his Star Courier was docked. He did not want to leave any traces of thier rendezvous here on Mustafar. The mission was complete as this is where Lucine Vasano would spend her last dieing days.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 21 September, 2018 2:02 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Definitive Ending


What I liked about the post is that it gives an obvious indication of who won and who lost. I would suggest making it more about the combat than tricking someone and locking them in a room to improve in the future.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


The post was quite difficult to read due to the number of mistakes made with regards to Syntax. Words spelt incorrectly, missing spaces between words etc. I would highly recommend getting someone to look over your posts in the future to help you with this.