Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae vs. Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

Hey guys, first off thanks for taking part in the event. I realise this took some time to grade, that was mostly due to sickness, but I didn't want to rush it out while sick and risk avoiding giving clear feedback that you can both use to grow as writers going forward. You're both strong writers, and I hope you seek to continue on the path to improvement.

Tahiri, you did a good job in your opening post of establishing Tahiri's motives for being present though I think you could have used this post to also expand a little more on Rhylance's motivations. Was he tricked into believing something he needed was there? Did he go willingly? It's a missed opportunity but one I believe you won't continue to miss going forward. There are syntax errors in both your posts, I offer some feedback in the post comments but a good rule is to try and get at least two other pairs of eyes on a post for proofing, which I know timing sometimes prevents, but it's something to keep in mind. Overall I was impressed with your overall end product and look forward to seeing more of you in the ACC down the road.

Rhylance, I understand that not all characters are geared towards participation in the ACC in a conventional sense, but overall you did a satisfactory job of making it work. Your first post was a bit questionable on this front but your second post made up for it. Similar to Tahiri, there were also more Syntax errors in your second post as opposed to your first and while this could be because it's longer, getting a serious proofer can help you drastically improve and cut out little mistakes to create a more well-rounded post. Overall I was impressed with how you handled the challenges of the match and wondered what you could do if you take the feedback provided onboard.

I enjoyed reading this match, and it was a pleasure to judge. That being said, Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae has the edge on this occasion with a score of 4.075.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae , Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance
Winner Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Interrogation Facility
Last Post 29 September, 2018 6:23 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: No major errors, but there are consistent issues in your second post regarding commas among other things. Rationale: No spectacular mistakes but enough little things that a five cannot be justified.
Story - 40%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: The poison is written well for the most part, though I did have an issue with it that's noted in the realism section. Your first post is a bit light on conflict, so that doesn't help. Rationale: A decent story, some flashes show you are capable of more, but you lack the consistency for a 4. A lack of action in the first post hurts you here also.
Realism - 25%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: You try to make the poison vials into too much of a damaging weapon. There's nothing in the poison's aspect that mentions inducing foaming at the mouth. Additionally, despite never using the antidote or a breath mask, Rhylance doesn't suffer any effect from the poison. Rationale: Rhylance is given too much credit regarding his Perception. He might be able to recognise the sound is coming from behind him, but not to trace it exactly to Tahiri's location or hear her breathing.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing to be seen here. Rationale: No contradictions with stuff previously established found.
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 3.3 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 4.07
Posts

Mustafar Interrogation Facility

Mustafar is a planet steeped in a dark history, acting as a point of interest as far back as the Clone Wars themselves. At one point, the Black Sun constructed their headquarters upon its surface and later on even Darth Vader took up residence within his dark castle. The traces of this history are still found in the form of the remains left behind. Mining facilities are scattered across the lava-surface of the scorching planet, help up with gravity supports that keep them safe from the superheated material below.

Perhaps its most notable history came via a single uttered phrase: Mustafar is where Jedi go to die. The hidden interrogation facility built into the scorched stone is steeped in the dark side, providing a clue to its wicked purpose in a time not so long past. A large, single landing pad acts as the focal point of the structure from the outside. It is connected by a causeway that leads to a security door that has fallen into disuse. The facility itself is still functional, drawing power from the thermal energy of the planet itself.

Once within, one is confronted by the labyrinthine maze of corridors and offices that were clearly designed for a singular purpose. The holding cells are as spartan as any other Imperial construct, providing only a slab protruding from the wall as a bed and nothing more. Barracks can be found near the main control rooms with its shelving in various states of disarray. It is clear with only a glance that scavengers have already picked the inanimate corpse clean of its contents.

However, it is deeper still where the miasma of the dark side truly reaches its zenith. There one will find the interrogation chambers. Wickedly cruel in their singular purpose, stains can still be found caked into the durasteel panels themselves alongside various tools and instruments of the trade plied within.

To walk within Mustafar's Interrogation Facility is to tread through the ghosts of the planet's darkest past. It is a symphony for the wicked and a requiem for the pious.

Tahiri felt a sense of awe mixed with disgust, as she walked through the interrogation chambers deep within the facility. She could feel, with every fiber of her being, the place was steeped in Darkside energy, its roots extending outward and upward. Even from the very moment the Sith Battlemaster had entered the facility, she could feel the power that the darkside held over the place.

She had only been to Mustafar once before, however, and that had been to visit Lord Vader’s castle. It had been one of her trials before knighthood, that felt such a long time ago. Though unlike Lord Vader’s castle, the darkside in this facility felt slightly different. Dare she say more evil than any other place she had encountered this amount of darkside energy.

Why was this such a high priority mission? The Sith had been sent to do reconnaissance on target and report back, nothing else. Unfortunately, she wasn’t even told who she was suppose to be watching for, just to go and do.

I actually have a bad feeling about this place, she thought as a shiver ran unconsciously down her spine. Tahiri’s whole body felt on edge, the slightest sounds sent her nerves and fingers twitching. Her Montrals actually hurt a little from her straining to hear any threat. The clicking noises of her metal tipped boots the only true comfort she had against the creaking, groaning noises of the metal contracting and expanding, and the constant whooshing of the lava.

Hearing the sudden clang of metal falling in one of the rooms ahead and to the left of Tahiri, she stopped in her tracks, automatically pulling one of the throwing daggers. Gathering the Force, the Togruta wove it around herself, concealing her figure. Stepping carefully, so as to not make more noise than necessary, Tahiri slowly made her way to the room from which the noise reverberated from.

Peeking around the doorway, at first Tahiri didn’t see anything. The squeak of a cabinet hinge brought her attention to the left corner of the room. Watching as a tall, well toned Chiss man rummage through some bottles within the cabinet, sighing aloud with exasperation upon not finding what he wanted.

Keeping her concentration on her Force cloak, she slipped into the room, keeping close to the wall. Her boot scuffed the durasteel floor a smudge, making her stiffen, eyes darting to the Chiss to see if he even noticed anything.

Kark it! Not good.

The man turned quickly around, his crimson gaze scanning the room for a moment, gauging where the sound had originated from. His gaze seemed to stop right on Tahiri, as if he knew right where she was. As if her Force cloak wasn’t there at all.

“I may not be able to see you, but I can hear your breathing,” the Chiss said aloud, straightening to his full height, and slowly upholstered his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper pistol. “Why don’t you come out of the shadows there, and we can talk?”

The Sith Battlemaster could sense the slight uneasiness the man carried, even though he was hiding it well. It was something about the place that put both of them at unease.

Tahiri silently barated herself, but she didn’t drop her Force cloak. She just wanted to watch him, to see what he was here for.

“I won’t ask again,” the Chiss sighed, a slight grim smile spread across his face as he leveling his pistol towards the wall that Tahiri stood against. After several more moments of nothing happening, he pulled the trigger.

There was no flash or sound as the energy bolt hit the wall just above where Tahiri had been standing. Her senses warned her to duck, and she dove down, making more noise than she wanted to. As she dove though, the Togruta lost her concentration and the Force cloak dissolved, revealing her crouched figure in the corner.

“Ah there you are... Miss?” The Chiss stood, aiming the barrel at her head, a calm but inquisitive look on his face.

“Tahiri, my name is Tahiri.” She replied, annoyance clear in her voice. “And your’s?”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 5 October, 2018 12:40 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Atmosphere


The post does a good job of creating a tense, spy-like atmosphere as Tahiri is making her way towards the room Rhylance is in. Providing a sense of atmosphere allows the reader to visualise the post easier. To improve this, I would suggest incorporating the venue more as well as looking for opportunities to use each character’s strengths and interests to find something they can focus on to give it a more well-rounded view of the situation.

Can Be Improved

Unclear Motivations


While the post attempts to provide motivation for Tahiri to be present, it never goes into any real detail, with the who sent her, who she’s doing recon on and why, major things a reader would want to know, a mystery. Though at least an attempt was made. There’s no real attempt at explaining what Rhylance is doing. He appears to be looking for something, but we again don’t know what or why. Establishing the why of things is an important part of the opening post and should be something covered in a post that wants to do well. I would suggest trying to look into the characters and finding things that could be used to give them a purpose for being in the location. Positions and Aspects are a couple of good sources, maybe even talking to the other participant to gain a better understanding of their character could also be beneficial to you in improving this aspect of your writing.

The Chiss’s eyes remained trained on the Togruta, as did his blaster. He scoured his memory for any traces of the name Tahiri, but he found himself coming up short. He remembered only mentions of the Plaguein Force user from his days as Taldryan’s Consul. With little information to go off of, the Quaestor came to the conclusion that escaping the Mustafar system was a top priority, no matter the cost. His research into the Dark Side heavy facility would have to be put on an indefinite hold. Force users just couldn’t be trusted.

Though, a Togruta could be an interesting specimen indeed. the Chiss thought to himself. Only if the opportunity presents itself. My safety is of far more importance.

Scanning the room the Arconan noticed several reflective panels along the durasteel walls. While not plentiful, they would suit his needs perfectly. His slender blue finger lightly caressed the trigger of his blaster as he bore his crimson gaze into the sulfuric yellow eyes of his unwanted guest.

“You may call me Rhylance,” he eloquently spoke as his finger pulled against the trigger in rapid succession. Several bolts shot out of his silenced blaster, all of them narrowly missing the Togruta.

Tahiri quickly activated her crimson lightsaber in response to the unwarranted attack before her body took control. The blaster bolts had reflected off of the walls and their new calculated trajectory put them on a collision course with her. Years of specialized training in the ways of the lightsaber allowed the Plaguein Sith to reflect each shot away from her with ease, before watching them harmlessly become engulfed by the stone around the interrogation room.

The distraction had worked in the Chiss’s favor. Rylance took the momentary break in Tahiri’s attention to run past her and out of the room. He was unsure if she’d follow him or not, but if she did he had his own tricks ready for her. Years of jealousy directed towards Force users had helped the Arconan build up his own unique skill sets and he was only happy to share his vast knowledge.

Running down the dark corridor, heading back up to the upper levels of the Mustafar facility, Rhylance pulled out a small vial filled with a metallic blue-green liquid and held it lightly in his hand. An unforgettable humming sound could be heard behind him, letting the medical science officer know that Tahiri wasn’t far behind. He had no chance of a successful skirmish on her terms, but on his own his odds her somewhat higher. Breaking through the doorway at the end of the tunnel, Rhylance rushed into a wide open entryway. The exit was near.

Tahiri wasn’t far behind as she emerged from the tunnel as well. Armed with her red glowing lightsaber, and a scowl, she fixed her yellow eyes on the blue-skinned humanoid. She was ready and set to take the Chiss in. His unwelcomed attack warranted whatever punishment would come his way, and she would happily make sure it came to pass.

“Well, Rhylance, if you wanted to play all you had to do was ask.”

Tahiri’s yellow eyes glowed in the dark room as an intense grin broke across her face. Her prey was weaker than her, and that weakness welcomed death.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 6 October, 2018 7:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Portrayal of Character


The post does a good job of portraying Rhylance as a character and manages to touch upon quite a few key things that a reader should know about him. His intelligence, condescending attitude and disdain for combat in particular feature prominently in the post. However, I think taking a more balanced approach and extending the same level of care to your opponent’s character would help improve your writing as Tahiri feels more like she’s a background character as opposed to an opponent. Taking time to pour over your opponent’s sheet is crucial to ensuring you aren’t just writing a showcase of your character and using another member’s character to do so.

Can Be Improved

Untapped Potential


The combination of the post’s length and the content within makes me wonder how much better this post could have been. Most notably there’s there’s one brief incident before Rhylance runs away and nothing else in the post. This leaves the post feeling devoid of a sense of confrontation that in turn makes the post feel like it wasn’t the best it could be. It’s going to sound silly, but putting effort into something translates and the post has a rushed feel to it like more could have been with it. It’s something I say a lot, but taking the time to plan out posts and evaluating character sheets to figure out potential scenarios really would make the post feel more like it’s part of a plan than something just to meet a deadline.

As the Togruta ran after Rhylance, she pulled two throwing knives from her belt with her left hand. Rhylance had already proven himself to be quick and smart, so Tahiri had to take care of him in a relatively quick, and mostly unharmed, fashion.

“You should not have followed me, Tahiri.” Rhylance had stopped running and now stood in the middle of the room, rising to his full height and facing her.

Well, I guess I’ll have more than a report to bring back Tahiri thought grimly to herself, as she studied the Chiss. He still held the silenced blaster, though at his side, and his left hand was lightly clutching something.

“Oh? And why is that?” Tahiri replied with a sly grin.

Before the Chiss could answer, Tahiri expertly flicked her left wrist in a quick twisting succession, sending both throwing knives straight at Rhylance at slightly different angles. Each blade aimed at a different part of his person.

However, almost simultaneously Rhylance flicked forward his left hand, sending the contents flying towards Tahiri’s feet. The Togrute only had a small glimpse of the tiny vial before the glass shattered near her right foot. As the contents of the vial made contact with the air, it sparked and sent a small cloud of vapor up, dissipating in the air around Tahiri.

Sithspit! What the...?!

Rhylance barely managed to dodge one of the throwing daggers that was aimed for his torso, though it did make a small cut in his jackets left side. The second, however, was aimed lower and further to his right, buried itself halfway into his upper right thigh.

Tahiri tried to get out of the vapor cloud, trying not to inhale any of it. However in her initial shock, the Togruta sucked in some of vapor. She could smell and taste a mixture of some sort of floral sweetness mixed with the pungency of chemicals.

“What the kark was that, Rhylance?” Tahiri asked with a snarl. “Some sort of perfume? What, you think I smell bad or something?”

The Sith Togruta heard Rhylance grunted as he pulled the throwing dagger from his thigh. The Chiss tossed the dagger away and leveled his pistol once more towards Tahiri.

“No, miss Tahiri, you don’t smell bad,” Rhylance replied calmly, shifting his weight slightly off of his right leg.

“That my dear, was my own personal blend of a hallucinogenic poison. It effects vary from person to person, so I’m not sure how my Fear gas will affect you.”

“Fear gas? What sort of trick is that?” Tahiri’s eyes widened.

“You have your tricks, and I have mine,” the Chiss said smugly.

Tahiri’s vision began to darken slightly. Shaking her head, trying rid herself of growing haze, the Sith tried to keep her eyes on Rhylance. It was getting hard to concentrate on the Chiss though, as out of her peripheral vision, Tahiri saw dark figures come at her.

He has friends? What is going on? There is no one else here, how is this possible?

Swinging her crimson saber to keep the others away, Tahiri unsheathed her blacked-out vibrosword, ready for any other advances from the dark figures and Rhylance.

“Well no matter, your little tricks and friends won’t be enough to save you.” Tahiri was about to launch herself towards Rhylance, but was stopped as a dark figure with a sword advanced towards her. Tahiri twisted around, bring her vibrosword up to block the blow. However, the strike never came, she turned her head to see where the figure went, finding nothing.

Tahiri’s senses screamed at her that another attack was coming up behind her. Acting instinctively, the Togruta ducked, rolling to the side and coming up again with swords crossed, slashing at thin air.

A slight chuckle shifted the Togruta’s attention back to Rhylance. Realizing he had holstered his pistol, she looked at him for a moment, confused as to the implications of the gesture. Tahiri didn’t have much time to contemplate as another larger figure ran towards her from the right.

“Well, I see that you are quite busy with my friends. As interesting as this is, I must go,” Rhylance tugged at the bottom of his jacket, straightening it a bit.

Tahiri looked at him with wide eyes from a corner of the large room. The dark figures kept coming and seemed to be getting bigger as more of them appeared.

“I hope that we meet again, just on different terms next time.” Rhylance turned on his heel, and walked toward the exit, listening to the grunting of the Sith Togruta as she fought imaginary foes. He would have to observe her another time, right now he just wanted to get out before sustaining any more injuries to his person.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 8 October, 2018 7:32 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Coping with A Non-Combat Character.


I have to commend the post for the way it managed to deal with Rhylance being a character not particularly built to go up against more combat oriented characters and instead had Tahiri ‘fighting’ the illusions conjured up as a result of the hallucinogenic poison. Characters are often not designed with the ACC in mind, thus making it a somewhat tricky proposition when you have a character who, outside of an ACC setting where you have to fulfil a certain amount of posts, could be defeated rather easily. I would suggest comparing the strengths of both characters on their CS’s and allowing that to dictate where the story goes more consistently to boost the overall level of your writing.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


[...] in her initial shock, the Togruta sucked in some of [the] vapor. [...]

Ahh, Syntax. I often find this to be the best area to critique because while all areas of the rubric can be applied to fiction at large, Syntax covers any writing you do, even if it’s non-fiction. That out of the way, there wasn’t one glaring error that stood up above the rest, more like a handful of small mistakes that add up. I chose to highlight this particular section because it omits the indefinite article the. A good way to catch mistakes like this is by reading your post aloud so that your ears can pick up on anything that sounds awkward. After catching something like this, I would have either removed of from the sentence or added the as I’ve done above.

Rhylance waited and watched with bated breath as the Togruta approached him. Her yellow eyes glowed ferociously against the dark backdrop of the Mustafar facility. The way she approached him was akin to a predator closing in on their prey before lunging in to make the killing blow. Tension filled his body, he only hoped his plan turned out fruitful.

“I apologize, Tahiri, but playtime seems to be the last thing on my mind. If you would not care, I need to be going now.” the Chiss spoke only to buy himself a few more seconds. His timing needed to be perfect.

“You won't be going anywhere Rhylance. After he stunt you pulled down there, I'm taking you with me. We'll see what my masters will want to do with you.” her focus never seemed to wane. Her mind was singularly focused.

Rhylance palmed the vial in his left hand, his blaster remaining in his right, pointed to the ground. He raised the vial into view so the Togruta could fully see it.

“If that's the case, how about a threat? This vial contains a toxin of my own making,” he spoke with full authority on the subject of poison, his lies mixed in expertly with the truth. “it contains a highly toxic and effective neurotoxin that has begun weaponized into aerosol form. When the liquid meets the air in will send the toxin into the air and your body will begin to shut down after thirty seconds of contact. I have created the anti-toxin and only I have a copy of it, so I'll survive. But you, my dear, will die a most painful death. Your motor functions will shut down, and then you'll begin to aspirate. If your lucky your lungs will cease to work and you'll suffocate to death, otherwise you'll choke on your own vomit and suffocate anyways, only this time it will take longer and be far more painful.”

Tahiri studied the Chiss's face. She saw no indicator that he was lying. His voice remained steady and perfectly tempered as he spoke leading her to believe he may be telling the truth.

“So you will let me leave, otherwise this day shall be your last.” the Arconan finished with a promised absolution. Part of him hoped this would work so he'd be able to just walk away.

Tahiri felt conflict. She wanted to take her prey in, but the fear of looming death was held over her. She wasn't sure if there was a winning scenario here. Seeing her hesitation, Rhylance took a step back. Tahiri reacted out of instinct and she moved to take him down. Smirking the Arconan tossed the vial into the air.

Tahiri saw the vial go up and panic set in. Did she maim her target and risk the vial breaking, or did she safe the vial and risk him being away. In the end her life outweighed his own. The Sith reached her arm injury the air and pulled it with her mind. The glass container began to move towards her hand. It would have made it into he grasp, but a searing pain erupted into her leg.

Rhylance took the momentary distraction to raise his blaster. Close enough to her that his aim was unimpeded, he pulled the trigger and the bolt impacted her knee cap, knocking the Togruta off her feet. The vial landed next to her face against the ground and the glass shattered. Upon contact with the air the metallic liquid erupted, causing a flash of fire that scorched the side of her face she's caused glass to embed next to her eye. Gaseous smoke remained and the Sith breathed it in as she cried out in pain.

Rhylance watched her writhing on the ground. His intrigue raising with each passing moment. Her eyes filled with tears, first from pain, then from heartache. He had lied, the vial was no neurotoxin. It was his weaponized fear gas, and another victim fell subject to its hallucinogenic effects.

Tahiri could see the Mustafar facility melt away and she found herself at home with her tribe. Her brothers played nearby and her parents danced around a campfire. It was a day of celebration for the tribe and singing and music filled the air of the Togruta’s homeworld. Sure felt an initial happiness at seeing her family, but realization hit her hard.

“No...no… everyone you have to run!”

No matter how much she yelled, they just couldn't hear her. Her voice fell on deaf ears as the tragedy began. Tahiris body flooded with cortisol and adrenaline as the raiders broke into the clearing, blasters firing on her family and tribe. The massacre lasted for what felt like forever as she witnessed the scorch marks steal her kin away.

Rhylance enjoyed the scene before him. The hunter on the ground convulsed as she foamed at the mouth. Her mind couldn't handle the images forced upon her. Taking in the sight he wanted desperately to record the Togruta’s reaction. Unfortunately his rational mind won out, getting off this planet was far more important. The Chiss put his blaster away and pulled out a scalpel. With a twisted grin he cut Tahiri in multiple locations. Her body stilled, paralysis taking over as the paralytic coated scalpel did its job.

“I hope you enjoy being trapped in your own mind. You really should have let me leave, now you're going to break. I just wish I could stay to see it.”

As a final act of aggression towards Tahiri, Rhylance took out his second vial of fear toxin and threw it next to the unmarred side of her face. He walked away smiling at the newly pained grunts that echoed in the dark room. The hunter now felt true fear, and the hunted tasted sweet victory.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 8 October, 2018 11:44 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Detail


The post does a good job of describing things in a good level of detail. In particular, the lying about the poison as it takes advantage of Tahiri not knowing whether Rhylance was lying or not and deciding she couldn’t risk it. I would suggest taking care to not disregard other parts of the post by putting too much emphasis by describing things that aren’t important to the story being told with the characters involved.

Can Be Improved

Realism


The post has an issue with including effects of the poison that aren’t stated in the item aspect, which is a problem because if it’s not in there, then it shouldn’t be something that’s written. I would suggest that in the future you stick with stuff that’s been approved and be careful about using field-specific terminology because Judges can’t be expected to be experts on everything. Anything that takes a judge out of reading the story risks harming your score in that area.