Peacekeeper Creon Saldean vs. Acolyte Fenrir

Peacekeeper Creon Saldean

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Defender, Guardian
vs.

Acolyte Fenrir

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Firstly, my sincere apologies for the amount of time it took to grade this. The ACC usually tries to take no more than ten days, but with the recent ACC competition swamping the queue we decided to give priority to those matches. Allow me, again, to apologize for these unfortunate circumstances. Nonetheless, I'm here to grade the match now, and this was a very pleasant match to read.

Syntax wise Creon's posts pulled ahead solidly. They were very well proofread and only had a few mistakes that I was able to notice. Fenrir's posts suffered in this area comparatively, and there were multiple errors that interfered with the reading of the post. A more thorough proof-reading could have gained some precious points here, and is always a good idea when writing anything.

Both of you were nearly perfect in terms of realism and continuity, with only a small mistake losing Creon points.

Story wise there was also a clear difference between the two combatants. Creons post's were detailed, evocative, and well crafted with both an interesting beginning and end. While they did have a tendency to become too detailed in places which dragged down the pacing, it nonetheless secured him an excellent score in this area. Fenrir's posts, in contrast, were energetic and fast paced, moving from point to point in rapid succession and keeping the reader interested in the action, but comes out feeling bare bones. There's a definite sensation that the posts read more like an outline of a great story, and all they would need for a higher score is some more filling in.

Both of you are clearly passionate writers, with room to grow and become even greater in the future, but for the moment it's clear the Creon Saldean is the winner of this match.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Peacekeeper Creon Saldean, Acolyte Fenrir
Winner Peacekeeper Creon Saldean
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Peacekeeper Creon Saldean's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 23 September, 2018 3:40 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Grot
Syntax - 15%
Creon Neverse Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Minor mistakes, but nothing that impacted the reading. Rationale: Multiple, noticeable mistakes made the story more difficult to read and understand. Additional proof-reading is highly recommended.
Story - 40%
Creon Neverse Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The story is excellently set-up, with an equally satisfying ending. The level of description and detail works to the stories benefit, and manages to evoke a genuine emotional and memorable response. However, this same level of detail can drag down the pacing during the more action-heavy scenes, and leaves the story feeling a bit bloated where it might have been more succinct. Rationale: The story is interesting, and there's a nucleus of something great here, but it suffers from a lack of care and description. Many things feel brushed over, or not given the proper care that they need, making the story feel rather shallow and bare-bones.
Realism - 25%
Creon Neverse Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: One issue was noted. Rationale: No issues were noted.
Continuity - 20%
Creon Neverse Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues were noted. Rationale: No issues were noted.
Creon Neverse's Score: 4.2 Inquisitor Valaeron's Score: 3.9
Posts

Mustafar Mining Facility

Lava is mined as a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. The opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities—originally constructed by the Techno Union—are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles—the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

Beyond the blistering heat of the volcanic world, Mustafar served as the battlefield for the fabled final duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

“Is he ready?” Kelly Mendes asked as she watched with skepticism from a shaded window of a control tower. Overhead the ship known as the Idiot’s Array, home to the Wildcards Battleteam, had launched pods just outside the mustafar facility. Below she saw Fenrir exit the tower doors and make his way to a suitable spot to prowl.

“I’ve seen him kill,” Tu’Quan Varrick replied, “And he’s been wanting to take a stab at the Jedi to prove himself ever since he first held a training saber.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s ready,” She retorted.

“No, but he will buy us enough time to get the cargo loaded for transport."

The candidate was taken from his pack upon discovery of potential Force sensitivity. Not only would he receive training in the ways of Sith, but Kelly was unsure or not if he should be considered for the Inquisition. He used the Force like a predator, but unfortunately also fought like an animal. If he succeeded, however, maybe she’ll take him to serve under Marick rather than be another pet under the Dread Lord. Fenrir knew this, and understood how important it was now that he show her he was worthy. He will bring back a Jedi’s lightsaber, no matter what.


“Sound off, everyone,” Jael called into his comlink. He counted all five pods making a successful landing within the mining facility. The mission was to intercept rare metals that were being stolen from one of the mining facilities. The owner of the business reached out when the Collective refused to be of assistance, which gave Odan-Urr the opportunity to make an alliance with the industry. It was also learned that wanted individual Kelly Mendes, who was a high ranking inquisitor, was also on the scene. She was to be killed or captured in addition to stopping the transport of goods.

“In position,” Luna said on the roof of a mining building. Her purpose was to scout for any third party intrusions as well as remain nearby as a field medic.

“Standing by,” Tarvitz said from above the atmosphere of Mustafar. He was concealed within his N-1 starfighter to intercept any reinforcements in space or to engage if the high priority targets were to manage an escape.

“I’m here, so is Droveth,” Creon called in with a nod to Droveth. The two were interceptors, clearing a path for Jael Chi’ra and Eris Okami to try and shut down the delivery process technologically. Droid labor was the primary force behind the Plaguean operation, to which was Jael and Eris’ specialty. Jael was to follow the west end behind Creon, and Eris to follow Droveth across the river of lava on the east end. Both were to make their way to the loading bay and then meet at the center tower in hopes to kill or capture Inquisitor Mendes.

“Mia, are you there?” Creon called in his helmet.

“Yes boss, i’ve landed,” a woman’s voice came back through the link. Mia, short for Military Intelligence Analyzer, landed Creon’s vessel dubbed the ‘War Table’ just 30 kilometers outside of the mission site. She linked Creon’s HUD in his helmet with the Electronic Warfare Suite in order to feed him information relevant to the mission as the need would arise.

Creon and Jael made their way through the seemingly abandoned mining facility. Everyone practiced radio silence, even when encountering conflict. There were some few security droids placed by the Plagueans, but nothing Creon wasn’t able to dispatch quickly and efficiently. It wasn’t until they reached a railed bridge connecting two platforms did Creon raise his arms for Jael to halt and stay back. Something was off in the back of Creon’s mind. He felt a presence, but couldn’t see or hear anything.

“Do you feel that?” Creon asked Jael through his comlink.

“Yeah.”

“Hold back for a moment, let me check it out,” He replied. The soldier took slow steps along the bridge and held up his WESTAR-M5 to aim while scanning for any signs of movement or life. There was something here, something dark…

“Show yourself,” Creon called out. He wasn’t entirely sure if there really was anything out there. But he knew not to ignore warnings from the Force before. His suspicions were confirmed when Fenrir appeared from seemingly nowhere before him on the bridge. It looked more beast than man to Creon, but he couldn’t catch a read on it. His senses seemed off.

Creon reached out with the Force to simply throw the creature aside, but he felt his connection dampered, as if under some massive weight that wouldn’t allow him to produce the desired effect. His ability to utilize the Force was being tampered with. Creon didn’t like it, but knew it wasn’t the only tact at his disposal. He aimed the blaster rifle, but stopped before firing when a energy bubble formed itself around the beast. It then drew vibroclaws along it’s arms and grinned with a bloodthirsty hiss.

“Yeah no,” Creon said and launched from his grenade launcher a round that caused a massive explosion on the bridge just where his opponent had stood. He let three more rounds go off just for safe measure.

“Everything okay?” Jael’s voice called in his helmet.

“Take the scenic route,” Creon replied. He clicked his heels together to activate his thruster boots to guide him on the other side of the bridge. This was another Force sensitive, so he needed to check for a confirmed kill before giving the all clear.

Grot, 9 October, 2018 4:45 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I absolutely adore the set-up here. Very rarely in the ACC will you find such a natural and perfectly free-flowing scenario to set-up a fight. The inclusion of other characters, each with their own goals and motivations, really makes the setting feel alive. This really did a lot to draw me in to the story.

Can be Improved

A number of small syntax mistakes, but nothing that particularly ruined the story.

A small realism mistake was noticed when Creon was able to sense Fenrir approaching through the Force. Fenrir's Concealment skill should have easily allowed him to hide his Force signature and approach undetected in that way.

As much as I love the story, I did feel much more could have been done with the actual, physical setting. Mustafar is a very dramatic, dangerous, and dynamic place. It's covered in complex factories filled with roaring machinery, boiling rivers of lava, and constant geothermal activity. Having the battle take place on a relatively bland, metal bridge connecting two of the facilities feels like a waste, and the combat never really moves away from this bland location.

A control tower - Mustafar Mining Facility

Before the operation began, his Master Tu'Quan had said, "Now Fenrir, we want you to protect Kelly Mendes and take down and Jedi threat. Any Jedi coming towards the control towers, kill them."

Fenrir was excited, and could not wait to get to the field and prove himself. He repeated in his usual slow, heavy and growls, "Kill Jedi...protect Mendes."

Tu'quan saw where this was going. Fenrir is as bloodthirsty as they come. However, this operation was not about a hunt. It was about protecting high-value targets. It was imperative that his apprentice sees which has priority. He said, "Close enough. Protect Mendes, kill Jedi."

The towering Shistavanen nodded once before leaving.


Somewhere below over a bridge

Drawing on the Force, Fenrir proceeded to dull the feeling of pain on his left arm. Thick smoke covered him all around from the multiple detonations which almost destroyed the bridge and sounded his forearm. He gave a low growl as he did so, more out of spite than anything else. He knew that his cover would last as long as the thick smoke did. The grenades detonated all right, and dangerously near. The first one broke through his Barrier and wounded his arm, throwing him backward. However, he was lucky that he moved a good distance away from the blast area as more grenades detonated where he stood moments ago. Now, darkness and smoke were his refuges.

That gave him time to recuperate and think of his next move. The large predator listened intently. Where was his foe???

As if answering, a pair of lights slowly rose up and started to proceed to his position. Even though the smoke, it was easy to see the Jetback boots of his prey. So that's where he is! Fenrir knew that he needed to act fast, and not wait until the smoke has cleared. He drew out the Fibercord Whip, started off with a slow swing and then increasing the speed. When Creon was at an easy distance, Fenrir swung!

The Fibercord Whip lashed out like a serpent, flew through the air and moke, and entangled the Jedi's legs! Surprised, swayed momentarily in the air. With the whip wrapped around his legs, it was difficult to maneuver, which he needed to do fast.

Creon cursed! He started to fly away from there momentarily, while at the same time aiming his Westar blaster at the whip. That was when it happened. Aided by the Force, it launched himself at Creon, tackling him midair and to the ground. Even with the heavy armor one, he felt like the wind was knocked out of his chest! It did not stop there. With rapid and alarming succession, the predator knocked out the blaster from his hand which flew a good distance away cloven in half, sunk both his vibroclaws and disabled his jet boots, and then tore at his body armor as if possessed. Through his helmet, Creon could the creature's eyes. It was ringed with red fire, not unlike the fiery pit below the bridge. However, that was not it. There were the eyes of a beast and one who wished him no good.

It pinned him down and tore at his heavy armor and helmet with his vibroclaws. Unless he did something fast, this could be his last skirmish!

Grot, 9 October, 2018 5:05 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The combat is high-paced and interesting. I really love the evolution of the battle here, and it does it's best to really portray Fenrir as a wild beast of a warrior. The scene with the whip-cord and the subsequent tackle and wild, frenzied tearing was one of the most energetic moments of the story so far.

Can be Improved

Syntax wise this post needs some significant work. There were consistent problems with sentence structure and formatting that made the post more difficult to read than it needed to be. A more thorough proof-reading could have easily eliminated most of these problems.

Story wise the post feels very sparse and lacking. The combat is well described, but the whole of the setting and the characters themselves are lost for the sake of it. I found it difficult to visualize in my mind where exactly the characters were relative to each other at all times, and where they were in relation to the setting. Taking some time to slow down and expand on the surroundings and the particular details of each characters movement could really flesh out this aspect of the story.

More generally, the story lacked a certain sense of dramatic flare and artistry to it. It has some extremely dramatic moments, but these aren't given the sort of weight of description to really make them pop. A whipcord, lashing out of the smoke like a serpent and entangling Creon, and the fierce beast behind it leaping up to tackle him with fire reflecting in his eyes. This is very dramatic and interesting combat, but comes off as almost bland due to the lack of description paid to it.

Creon instinctively brought up his forearms in a triangular angle to shield himself against the strikes as best he could. Vibroclaws etched at the armor and formed deep claw marks across his helmet and breastplate. The creature was rapid, and small amounts of blood were already starting to leak through the underarmor lining of Creon's forearms. A moment came for him to be able to shift his body and grab hold of the creature's wrists. Both blades were aimed at Creon's throat, trying to reach in a direct stab between his collar and the bottom base of his helmet.

The beast was as strong as it was massive. Creon wasn't able to gain any leverage against the demon, but thankfully he was able to hold the blades away at a standstill. Fenrir leaned his upper torso in and showed its fangs in a drooling hiss, and like a wolf about to prime it's kill, he opened up and attempted to bite at Creon's throat. The soldier took the opportunity to raise his hips and thrust his head forward in a headbutt directly at Fenrir's face. The Shistavenen pulled it's head back in a sudden shock and was later thrown off of Creon after taking a hip winding hook to the jawline.

"Bad dog," Creon growled as rose to his feet and ignited the saber from his hip.

This was the moment Fenrir had been waiting for. Finally, he was to have the classic battle between Sith and Jedi to prove himself. The towering acolyte cast a shadow over Creon with the star of Mustafar at on its backside. An arm flapped the armorweave cloak to revealed a saber in hand. Fenrir awakened the blade and let its hellish glow tint his matted fur underneath his dark armor. He then roared with hate-fueled ferocity and manifested the help of the Dark Side to inflict fear upon his prey.

This is a monster of Plagueis Creon thought as he took a step back. A tool used to take life, with a rage-infused power complex that blinds it from a better way. Creon knew allowing the creature to live will only put more innocent lives in jeopardy. His decision was clear, he was going to have to put this dog down for good. Creon could feel once again his connection to the Force become dampened, but he wasn't afraid. Though he could not see the Force, he believed it would always be with him.

Fenrir lashed out with a jump forward. He was careful with the blade, which caused his strikes to be slow and predictable. Creon wasn’t about to test the power behind them and instead redirected the momentum when the attack came his way. He stayed on the defensive in hopes to find a chance once his foe began to tire. The creature was unrefined but also unwavering. The match, it seemed, would take longer than Creon had hoped for.

If it hadn’t been for the minimal movement required to redirect an opponents blade learned from Soresu, Creon wouldn’t have been capable of keeping up with the speed of this Sith. Blow after blow came back time and again to where some of Creon’s evasions weren’t deserved, either given by his body’s natural reflexes or just pure luck. Fenrir was still able to fight, but to keep a hold on suppressing his prey’s connection to the Force for this long took a heavy toll in his mind. It was going to wear soon, and he needed a way to finish the Jedi off before he lost the upper hand.

The Plaguean took a quick jump back to gain some distance. Creon didn’t pursue, but instead brought his blade overhead in a defensive posture and waited for what he had planned. Fenrir took a wide stance, turned to the side, and brought his blade horizontally to point behind him. He let go of the attention placed on sustaining his opponent suppression and focused on increasing the acceleration and velocity of his arms. He was going to launch a flurry of swings with speed aided by the Force. The Jedi would have no chance of evasion.

Creon felt the tingling sensation run down his spine; a warning of the danger in Fenrir’s attacks. The Force was calling to him as Fenrir was charging forward. The warning itself was an indication that his connection had been restored, and of the danger that was quickly approaching. Creon immediately enhanced the speed behind his hands and focused hard on the remaining split seconds that stood between life and death. Fenrir came with an enhanced horizontal blow towards the abdomen, and Creon responded with a whirl to the tip of the crimson blade with the same speed. Both blades spun before their torsos to the other side of their hips. Creon then jumped forward, pointed his blade up, leaned his upper body past his opponent’s body to thrust the blade forward. The light of his green blade that tore through Fenrir’s back glowed along the side of the Odanite's helmet. He then pulled the blade out and sent a push from the Force that hurtled the Sith off the bridge towards the lava river below.

It was gone. Creon could no longer feel the hate-fueled animal’s presence any longer.

“We need to hurry it up,” Luna’s voice came into his helmet with some static. “I’m already engaged with some super battle droids coming from the south end.”

“Apologies, I too am engaged with the enemy,” Tarvitz included in space.

“Jael, where are you?” Creon inquired.

“Oh, thank the Force. I thought you fraking bit it with the Shistavenen. I’m a few meters ahead, I’ve got you on my tracker. Keep moving and I’ll link up with you.”

“Roger.”

Grot, 12 October, 2018 5:43 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The beginning of Creon and Fenrir's final clash is very well described. You really get an idea of the hateful menace and rage of Fenrir as he lashes out at Creon. Adding on to this, the build-up towards the end of the fight is similarly superb. There's a genuine sense of tension and release that comes with the end of the fight that feels very gratifying and fun to read as the combat reaches it's to crescendo

Can be Improved

Text is very clean, but a few small syntax errors were still noticed.

Story-wise I felt the middle of the post was the weakest. The fight gets bogged down in the technical details of the fight that perhaps could have been brushed over or spiced up to make it more interesting. As it stands, going into such minutiae of the fighter's exact movements drags down on the way towards the ending.

Mustafar - Somewhere on a bridge

"Creon! Is everything alright? I'm coming your way." Jael's voice rang out in his helmet.

Creon replied fast while positively wrestling with the assailant, "No...stay with the plan! We have bigger fish to fry. I'll take care of this one."

"You sure?"

"Positive!"

Creon knew what he needed to do to get out of this precarious situation. Doing the best he could to stay away from the vibroclaw slashes, especially to the helmet, he quickly took out his Westar-35 Blaster Pistol. Before the large predator could land another blow, he fired a series of shots into the beast's chest.

The very close-range impact sent the beast backward almost on its back. Creon lost no time in getting rid of the Fibercord Whip! He fired once and quickly hobbled to his feet. Only now did he see that his legs below the ankle were wounded, though how much he knew not yet. It was giving him considerable pain, but Creon knew that now was not the time for all that. He needed to dispose of the threat quickly or else the mission may grind to a halt because of him. The beast seemed to do his work well when he destroyed his jet-boots.

From a distance came a bloodcurdling roar, ending in a low, growling howl.

"Dammit! It's not dead yet!" Creon thought incredulously as the beast slowly started getting up on his feet.

Creon took out his lightsaber and activated the blade. Its bright glowing light illuminated a small area around him. It was clear this was no ordinary foe, but one who could only be vanquished by a lightsaber.

Sure enough, the Shistavanen activated his own lightsaber. His foe was before him, wounded and far from help. Now he will kill him and bring back his lightsaber. The red glow from his lightsaber was as sinister as his countenance.

He lunged forward and swung first, desiring to smash the human's skull in. Creon anticipated this and merely moved slightly back safely, while using his lightsaber to deflect the blow. He quickly retaliated, doing a 360 degree turn and bringing the blade horizontally across the beasts torso, desiring to cleave him in two. Here the beast was quick. Aided by the force, he moved back out of harm's way. But almost immediately, it renewed its attacked. Thus the the two fought on for a long time, neither besting the other. It seemed that they were squally skilled in the art of weilding lightsaber!

From a tower above

"The ship is ready, my Lady", a Plagueian soldier came in and told the duo of Kelly Mendes and Tu'Quan.

She nodded. Turnig to Tu'Quan she remarked,"Fenrir seems to be doing well till now."

"Yes, yet this is a Peacekeeper with some serious backup."

,"Call him back now. We are leaving. He has done what he came for." she said simply and turned to leave.

Tu'Quan didn't need to be told twice. "Fenrir! Disengage and return to the ship. Your mission is completed. Get back to the ship."

Back on the bridge

Fenrir spat on the ground, even as he held his crimson lightsaber to hold his foe at bay. He knew what he had to do now, but he did not like it one bit. And yet, it needed to be done! He cursed again, which to his foe sounded like a mirthless bark. By this time, both of them were panting slightly yet both desired to fight. Creon initiated the attack this time, yet to his surprise, the beast simply swerved to one side safely and started to retreat. Maybe it had enough for one day, the human wondered.

"Creon! Where are you? They are getting away!"

"What the...? Dammit! It was just stalling me!" the Peacekeeper cursed incredulously.


Grot, 12 October, 2018 6:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The story keeps moving at a brisk and energetic pace, which for an action scene like this is a benefit. There's a definite sense of energy and motion to the writing which keeps me interested in what's going on, and the story never really feels like it's dragging itself down.

Can be Improved

Syntax continues to be an issue, and a more thorough proof-reading would have helped this post immensely.

The ending here is kind of sudden and unsatisfying, and I feel it might have been handled better. Instead of cutting away from the action and telling us how equally matched Fenrir and Creon are, that's something that would probably be better shown. Cutting away to Kelly and Tu'Quan throws off the pacing at what should be the stories final climax. A few more dramatic clashes between Fenrir and Creon, each wounding the other in turn but neither gaining the advantage, would be a much more interesting scene to show. Instead of a communicator message telling Fenrir the fight is over, maybe something more visual as the Plagueian shuttle begin roaring into the sky, and Fenrir is forced to debate between getting left behind and rushing to get on the shuttles.