OPM Marick Arconae vs. DJK Lexiconus

Obelisk Primarch Marick Arconae

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Hapan, Obelisk, Shadow
vs.

Dark Jedi Knight Lexiconus

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Togruta, Krath, Seeker
Comment

Lexic, I think that you would do well to make sure you can devote sufficient time to proofreading your posts. I know you've done a lot of ACC during this event, but the difference in quality between your first and second post was enormous. I can tell that you've got some pretty neat ideas floating around in your head. If you spend the time refining them, you'll see a lot of improvement.

Hall Event: Figureheads [Clan Arcona]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition Event: Figureheads - ACC
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants OPM Marick Arconae, DJK Lexiconus
Winner OPM Marick Arconae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
OPM Marick Arconae's Character Snapshot Snapshot
DJK Lexiconus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Selen: Arcona Citadel - Throne Room
Last Post 3 September, 2014 5:38 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Vivackus Kavon di Plagia
Syntax - 15%
Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: I think you mean "unconsciousness" in your second to last sentence, but other than that, it's fine. Rationale: See individual post notes. Your word choices are awkward and you have a tendency to use commas instead of periods. If the part of the sentence can stand alone as its own sentence, it probably should, otherwise it's a run-on sentence. Interestingly, just about all of these issues were with the first post, but your second one was significantly improved. Whatever you did differently that time, keep it up.
Story - 40%
Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your first post really seemed phoned in, though you did pick it up in the second. The fighting itself was fine, but you didn't really make an effort to connect this fight into a larger narrative. Rationale: I actually really like how you ended the fight. It was a nice touch to show how Lexiconus' fears about Ghost were starting to get out of control as he imagined the specter eating his guts. The ultimatum at the end of your post was one of the more creative ways I've seen someone end a fight as well.
Realism - 25%
Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No isseus. Rationale: "This was clearly presented; the man was facing the south wall for four minutes and stabbed the air." Neither Blackness nor Blinding would have an effect lasting for four minutes. Even at higher ranks both of those effects would last generally less than a minute.
Continuity - 20%
Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae's Score: 4.2 Qor Kith's Score: 3.65
Posts

citadel
A pair of massive, ancient doors loom at the entrance to the throne room. Upon opening, they give way to a large chamber with a high ceiling carved smoothly into stone. The chamber itself is the size of a professional holo-ball court but the hard-tile flooring has been sand-blasted to perfection and patterned symmetrically throughout. Tall, rounded pillars frame a center dais that forms an elevator platform. Perfectly centered on the low platform is the heart of Clan Arcona's power--the Serpentine Throne. The ornate throne stands several feet above the head of even the tallest Shadow Lords. The dais is back lit by an ever glowing wall of flame that attunes itself to the order-color of the current Consul. A sable carpet trimmed with white lays down over the shallow steps and continues all the way towards the entrance doors. throneroom
The Throne Room is completely sound-proofed, and almost feels like entering a vacuum. Voices carry easily, but never leave the chamber. A combination of alchemy and engineering allow the room to be shut off from the rest of the Citadel while maintaining proper ventilation for the unique curtain of flame. It maintains a steady room temperature, ignorant to the climate outside and throughout the Citadel's ancient walls.

The dull and silent throne room had etched over one hundred fights from the civil war between the Quaestors and the Arconae, yet Lex got the feeling that no one left the same.

The reality of war had clearly sunk in deeply as the Krath cowered behind the throne and watched an impatient man pace the carpet; it was Andrelious, his Rollmaster. The ex-Imperial was clearly well armoured, influential and an asset to the Arconae side, but the Inquisitor had never seen him so tense before. The senses in the back of his mind warned the Togruta of close discovery and he quickly sat back onto the cold stone of the throne podium.

The Krath peeked out from the gray podium once more to see him exiting the tall doors, he caught a glimpse of blue lights flashing before his vision as if a warning signal. Lex jumped back into cover and panted in an irregular fashion.

His heart pounded out his chest and sweat had already began to pour down his chest. Then as if from his soul, a harsh and cold sensation swooped around his body. Before another second of this deathly sensation a black and cold hand swung down, grabbed Lex’s neck and yanked him onto his feet. The strength of the male forced the Krath from his feet and hung in mid-air. As this bony hand choked the Togruta, he could barely see the same blue illuminating eyes staring back at him.

This must be it, I am doomed to dissipate here Lex thought, as the oxygen rushed from his lungs, with tears flowing down his bulging eyes.

This new-found strength in the ghost man was beginning to crush the Krath’s weak neck more, feeling ligament cords being forced out of place and muscles strained.

In the greatest of effort, the Inquisitor lifted his numb arm, opened his palm and blasted a blunt wave of kinetic energy at the abdomen of the ghost. The body was sent skating across the floor on his dark boots, with the soft, black fabric of his robes shimmering in front like a black tidal wave.

As Lex fell onto his knees, the cold, harsh floor was unpenetrated and the thin skin cut quite easily. In severe pain and immobile, the Krath placed his palms onto the skin and wiped up the trickling blood, snarling with pain. Now feeling fuelled by a rush of adrenaline, he carefully stood and opened his palm towards the silent and aggressively stanced phantom.

“Stop!” The Inquisitor shouted, his voice bolted around the room with an echo. The shrouded man had not moved, but his gloved hands grasped two daggers on his belt, pulled the shining metal and revealed them to Lex.

It was the weapons of his past time, the very blades he knew quite well. The light and sharp Echani daggers were a symbol of an educated man, however these were different. The ghost man flicked one dagger up and caught the sharp end, he then threw the dagger quickly at Lex.

The Krath caught the handle of the cold metal dagger as it skimmed by his left head montral, then inspected the odd colouring on the tip. It was a dried out lime green fluid, it was crisp to touch although the Togruta knew better than to touch an unknown fluid.

“Poison.” The ghost stated, looking at Lex.

“No.” Lex replied, as he offered the dagger back.

The shrouded male took a step forward and gripped the reserved dagger, then pointed it at Lex.

“Fight!” The ghost roared, without removing his deathly blue stare.

The Krath snarled, flashing his brilliant white canines. He swung his free hand around and blasted a wave of white light at the male, which caused the ghost to stumble and rub at his eyes.

“No!” Lex shouted, as he gripped the Echani dagger.

Without a second notion, the fiery Togruta took a step forward, then unleashed a wave of black light at the shrouded man, which caused him to stumble once again. He continued to rub and groan at his eyes, as he gripped the dagger tightly. The ghost felt distorted and unable to guess where Lex was. This was clearly presented; the man was facing the south wall for four minutes and stabbed the air.

The frustrated male then regained his sight and growled at the Krath, as he gripped his Echani dagger harder.

“Die.” The ghost said, they both slowly walked towards each other.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 7 September, 2014 8:16 PM UTC

"I am doomed to dissipate here" >> Why dissipate instead of die?

"This new-found strength in the ghost man was beginning to crush the Krath’s weak neck more, feeling ligament cords being forced out of place and muscles strained." This is really awkward sentence structure, with the added concern that I'm not sure if you mean to say that he's using the Amplification Force power or that he's just that strong.

"As Lex fell onto his knees, the cold, harsh floor was unpenetrated and the thin skin cut quite easily." I have no idea what you mean to say here. Hitting the floor would be blunt trauma, not the kind that cuts.

"It was the weapons of his past time, the very blades he knew quite well. The light and sharp Echani daggers were a symbol of an educated man, however these were different. " How are the daggers at the same time "the very blades he knew well" and at the same time different?

"It was a dried out lime green fluid, it was crisp to touch although the Togruta knew better than to touch an unknown fluid." If it's dried out, it's no longer a fluid.

"then unleashed a wave of black light at the shrouded man" Black light? You need to be more careful with word choice. Either you mean to use Blinding or Blackness, and I can't tell from the context which.

A second weapon appeared in Ghost's hand as he charged towards the Togruta. The stun baton sizzled with energy, a direct contrast to its silent but gleaming counterpart in the masked fighter's offhand.

Lexiconus waited until the last second before thumbing the activator to his lightsaber at his side and snapping it up into a defensive position in front of his chest. In that same heartbeat, Ghost redirected his forward momentum away from the cross-block and into a spin. In one fluid motion, the specter dipped low and lashed out with his dagger-hand at Lexiconus' ankles.

The Krath slid away from the slash at his ankles but was not quick enough to dodge the follow up attack. Ghost's stun-baton whipped upwards in a blurred uppercut, connecting solidly with Lexiconus' chin. The Togruta's head jerked backwards as the muscles in his jaw twitched in spasm. He let out a startled yelp as he staggered back a few steps, desperately trying to shake off the numbing sensation.

Ghost blurred forward, the dark side fueling his muscles with augmented alacrity. Lexiconus flailed his lightsaber in front of him in a warding gesture, but the specter snaked past it and swept his boot across the back of the Togruta's heels. The Krath fell backwards, but before he could hit the ground, Ghost grabbed a hold of the front of his robes and pulled him back up like a bungee cord.

As Lexic reached the peak of his parabolic arc, gravity carried his nose right into the butt of Ghost's dagger. Alien blood squirted free as involuntary tears leaked from his eyes.

Lexic shouted in defiance and willed the Force to dull the pain and mend his aches. When his vision finally cleared, however, Ghost was nowhere to be seen.

That can't be good, Lexiconus muttered.

Lexic took a second to grab a piece of cloth from his robe, then he wiped his face clean. He slowly looked around with blurred vision. The blood did not stop as it mixed with old, salty tears near his mouth. After finally scrubbing the crimson, salty fluids from his face, Ghost appeared behind Lexic and swiped his stun baton at Lexic’s back. The Krath summoned physical energy to his thighs and leaped into an obtuse arc above Ghost.

To his dismay, Lexic was locked into the cold grip of Ghost’s hands against his weak neck and hip. The shrouded man held him high, then dropped the Krath into a Stavan back-break. Ligaments and vertebrae torn and snapped, the damage echoed around the room along with the shriek of pure agony from Lexic.

The young Togruta now in a state of immobility, was dropped on the floor onto his back. Ghost stood and slowly paced a circle around the helpless Krath.

“I...can’t feel my legs, or stomach...or arms!” Lexic spoke out as he lay like a corpse.

The silent Assassin paced away from Lexic, who was crying in pain, and faced the throne. In his thought, he pressed his thumbs against his lightsaber in wonder. With a flick of his left wrist, Lexic’s lightsaber obediently latched into Ghost’s open palm. As he quickly felt the silver hilt with his gloves, he nodded with approval and pocketed both hilts. The Assassin returned to Lexic, gripped his right wrist, then flung him onto his back.

The pain and forced movement ignited a banshee scream from Lexic as he was carried. The silent mule marched towards the throne and then walked behind it. There bolted into the back was two hooks designed for shoto lightsabers. Ghost lay Lexic on the floor and then disappeared from sight.

This is it. My end is nigh. He is coming back with his lost daggers and ending my life. He is going to decorate these walls with my guts and wrap the throne with my offal. He probably eats sentient beings too. Lexic thought to himself.

The brief moments felt as though they dragged for hours, Lexic panicked each second Ghost was gone. He dreaded the time he returned. Then in surprise, the Krath felt two hands tug under his armpits and he was forced against the back of the throne. It was Ghost, only clad in a black and purple cape this time.

“Hey, that’s mine.” Lexic whispered huskily.

The words did not cross Ghost, he continued to keep Lexic propped against the throne, then the Assassin grabbed both ends of the cape, twisted the fabric tightly and slammed the ends into the hooks. He gripped tightly onto the fragile and nony arms of the Togruta and tugged them over the cape’s fabric so they hung freely. This way it ensured that Lexic couldn’t fall from the cape’s hug. Ghost then removed his grip from Lexic, whose legs gave up and shot him forward, only to be quickly halted by the cloth. With a soft nod, he tapped Lexic’s shoulders and stepped back.

“Stand, or die.” He said to Lexic.

Expecting no reply, Ghost left Lexic’s sight and the Throne room entirely.

Ow...ow...ow Lexiconus grumbled to himself as he willed the Force to dull the pain in his face. Tearing off a strip of cloth from his robes, the Knight blotted away the blood leaking from his nose and furrowed his brow in discomfort. He'd need to have it reset, but for now he'd be able to at least continue fighting. Or so he thought.

The specter appeared behind him. Lexiconus spun and slashed out with his lightsaber. The blade passed harmlessly through the open air as Ghost shimmered out of view yet again.

Klaxons flared in the back of the Togruta's mind. Behind you, there! the Force whispered.

Lexiconus wheeled around on his heel and snapped his blade up high over his head, narrowly catching a descending cleave from his attackers saber. Ghost seemed unperturbed by the parry and smoothly rolled off the strike, slashing low for the Togruta's kneecaps. The Knight slid backwards to safely avoid the sweep, and focused his anger, pain, frustration, and willpower into a ball of hatred. With his free hand, he unleashed the cesspool of energy in a concentrated lance, unseen Force slamming into Ghost's abdomen.

The masked fighter staggered backward, but quickly regained his footing while shaking his head from side to side. It gave Lexiconus a precious moment to plant his feet, however. With a flick of his wrist, he sent his lightsaber flying at his opponent like a giant, glowing throwing star. It wasn't a far throw, but it wasn't point blank either. Ghost twisted away from the lightsaber at the last possible second, but felt the scorching plasma singe through his trailing robes to nick his hip ever so slightly.

The kiss of the lightsaber left a wicked looking burn on Ghost's skin, and the specter let out a very human sounding growl of pain at the stinging sensation.

The lightsaber returned to Lexiconus' grip, and he darted forward with a defiant yelp. His breathing was labored, though, and he felt sluggish. He realized, then, that without the ability to properly breath through his nose, he wasn't retaining enough oxygen. It made him lightheaded, and as the Troguta closed in for a killing blow, he stumbled...

Right onto Ghost's outstretched dagger. The blade punctured cleanly through flesh, sliding neatly between the protective bars of the Togruta's floating rib cage.

Ghost pulled the dagger free from the Battleteam Leader, blood squirting in a thin, trailing line.

Then everything went dark as the butt of the same dagger jabbed into Lexiconus' temple with augmented might. The world became a blur and then blackness finally descended. There was no pain in consciousnesses, and Lexiconus took his rest.

All went still in the throne room.