Hunter Fenrir vs. Professional Jon Silvon

Hunter Fenrir

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shistavanen, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Professional Jon Silvon

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Mercenary, Scoundrel
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC! There is a lot here you both can be proud of and your both showed a great deal of potential to be formidable competitors in the ACC.

Syntax-wise you both had fairly clean posts. There were some errors on both sides that could have been caught with further proofing but nothing from either author that pulled me out of the reading experience. Fenrir takes a slight edge in Syntax due to having less errors overall.

In the story dimension you both suffered from a lack of action which is crucial to the ACC. In every ACC hall besides the Funderdome combat is required *in every post. In a duelist hall match such as this one this combat has to be between the two main characters. You both did a good job creating the conflict and maintaining tension between them, but three out of the four posts of this match had no combat. You both also integrated the venue itself into your posts which is definitely something you will want to carry into future rounds. Ultimately advantage in story goes to Jon for having combat in his final post.

A single realism error ended up as the deciding factor in this match. I don't want to discourage by belaboring the point, but in future matches make sure to check your opponent’s character sheet before writing them using a skill or power.

Again, there is a lot in this match you both can be proud of and you both showed strong fiction writing fundamentals. I hope to see you both not only in future matches but in a future journeyman tournament or coaches corner. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask me or the ACC staff mailing list.

Fenrir is the winner

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Hunter Fenrir, Professional Jon Silvon
Winner Hunter Fenrir
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Hunter Fenrir's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Professional Jon Silvon's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 31 March, 2019 5:08 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Major Jon Silvon Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: A few stray typos that would have been caught with further proofing. Rationale: A handful of spelling and verb tense errors but nothing that detracted from the overall reading experience.
Story - 40%
Major Jon Silvon Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: The well-described combat in your final post was the highlight for your posts. What kept you from a 4 was the lack of action in your first post. See my general match comments. Rationale: Your use of perspective in your opening post and excellent dialogue and character interactions throughout were your high points. What kept you from a 4 was the lack of a clear winner from the conflict and a lack of action in both posts. See my general match comments.
Realism - 25%
Major Jon Silvon Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: You had Fenrir use a power he did not have. See my comment to your final post. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Major Jon Silvon Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Major Jon Silvon's Score: 3.75 Inquisitor Valaeron's Score: 4.12
Posts

Mustafar Mining Facility

Lava is mined as a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. The opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities—originally constructed by the Techno Union—are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles—the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

Beyond the blistering heat of the volcanic world, Mustafar served as the battlefield for the fabled final duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

Jon had been there for hours now. Yes, it's been hours for he has just checked the time and yet the Mustafarian in front of him would not let him go ahead. He had been sent there by one of his clients, who of course shall not be named, to get rid of a shipload of records and various illegal and contraband items. His client did not wish to take all that risk himself and thus employed Jon for the task.

He was to get rid of all that in the fires of Mustafar, and yet this pesky little Mustafarian in front of him would not let him do so. He was some sort of an administrator or manager from the looks of him and was maddeningly uncooperative.

"Come on Rrn," Jon tried to reason one more time "we have worked together before, have we not? Was there ever a problem?"

The boiling lava below cackled menacingly. Although thankfully it was quite far down, its heat was still too much. They stood on top of one of the many bridges that dotted that industrial area. Jon and a couple of Mustafarians stood towards the end of one such bridge, near the entrance to one of the towers. While the Mustafarians seemingly has adequate protection from the heat, Jon Silvon did not, something which he was not regretting.

The Mustafarian in front of him thought a bit and said slowly "No...but now it is not safe."

"Not safe? Just let me dump the stuff off and we can go on our separate ways. Besides, I'm making it worth your while, am I not?"

At that question, the Mustafarian fell silent, gave a fearful look behind Jon and took a few steps back. Jon spun around to find a seemingly monstrous Shistavanen standing menacingly halfway across the bridge.

"What the...! Hey, what is all this?"

"Apologies Jon Silvon! You have not been the only one paying us this time around" said the Mustafarian as his group retreated farther away.

Jon spun around and found the Shistavanen activating his lightsaber. The beast only said "You will show the contraband or die. Either way, I shall see it."

Jon knew he needed to do some quick thinking to get out of this mess.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 April, 2019 1:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The boiling lava below cackled menacingly.

You have excellent descriptive language that you use throughout the post that paints a vivid picture in the reader’s mind.

I also enjoyed your use of narrative perspective, writing from Jon’s point of view in this case, to set up the story of the match.


Can Be Improved

Your post ended on a tense moment but you could have taken it a little further out in time and added some action in before ending the post.

Jon had to stop his heart rate from sky-rocketing at the sight of the crimson blade. A Sith or Dark Jedi then, and not somebody Jon recognized. That meant he was from one of the other Clans. He sighed internally. When he took his contract with Scholae Palatinae, getting involved in their organization’s six-way feud wasn’t what he had had in mind, but lately it seemed he couldn’t go one Job without someone from one of the other Clans butting their heads in.

Jon quickly slipped on his best “Krayt-oil salesman” smile, and calmly walked (he did not strut, he didn’t care what Artemis said) towards the wolf-like alien, arms spread and palms out in a placating gesture. If he was smart about this he could walk away with his skin, and his payday.

Wolf-Man (as Jon was opting to call him until a proper introduction) growled deep in his throat and stepped forward challengingly, but Jon kept his forward momentum and sabbac-face.

“Easy friend-” Jon began, but was cut off.

“We are not friends,” Wolf-Man snapped.

“Associate then?” When Wolf-Man didn’t reply beyond more growling, Jon took it as a sign that he could continue.

“Look, you want to talk business, that’s fine! But no reason we can’t act like civilized-”

Jon was cut off as the red-glowing blade was suddenly hovering inches from his jugular, close enough to sing the tips of his beard; in spite of the overwhelming heat from below him, and the sizzling fire of the weapon now threatening him, Jon suddenly felt very, very cold.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 April, 2019 1:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Jon quickly slipped on his best “Krayt-oil salesman” smile

I like your use and creative description of the manipulation skill here. This integrated Jon’s aspects and skills naturally into the story in a way that gave the reader insight into his character.


Can Be Improved

close enough to sing the tips of his beard

Should be singe instead of sing.

It was a standoff, although did have a lightsaber pointed right at his face by a monstrous Shistavanen. They stayed thus for a few moments. Neither budged. Jon did not want to startle the Sith in any way but was ready just in case. Under the folds of his cloak, he was already feeling for his WLD-5 Peacekeeper. In any case, his finger on its trigger shall be as fast as the Sith's thrust if it comes to that.

However, it strangely did not. Fenrir just remained almost motionless in that pose, with an occasional grunt and growl of course. It was like he was thinking or was stuck in a dilemma, or at least that was what it seemed to the human. The thing was Fenrir was debating whether to strike up a deal with the human. Although he was a self-proclaimed beast of the wild, and a dedicated Sith of his Clan, there were a few things he was after. These had proved to be quite hard to acquire. Perhaps his scoundrel in front of him could be of some use.

Evidently, a bit of time had already passed because even the smooth-talking human's voice was strained by now "Can I help you with something? Or...are you planning to point that at me all day buddy?"

Fenrir said aloud almost immediately, "Khyber crystals. You have?"

"Oh...! Khyber crystals! Well, why didn't you say so before Wolf Man! While the contents of this accompanying ship of mine are for dumping, to your good fortune I am actually transporting a few crates of what you are asking for. If you lower your lightsaber buddy, we can talk about the price. And...we best get off this bridge too. It's rather hot up here."

Fenrir was already halfway to lowering his weapon. However, when Jon mentioned the price a feral grin lit up in his face and his arm shot back up, pointing the weapon at him again. "No price. Only crystal."

"Oh come on dude! There is a price to everything."

"Yes...there is. I leave you your life, no?" growled Fenrir.

Jon debated this line of thought. Life does come before everything else, does it not? If just gives the beast his crystals, he can go on his way. However, he still did not like the idea of not getting anything in return. But, he sighed, there was not much to do under this situation.

"Well, no problem Wolf Man! This is just your lucky day I suppose. Highway robbery as this is, I always deliver. Do come this way."

Fenrir deactivated his weapon and started walking towards the end of the walkway, Jon walking in front of him.

"We shall be going on our separate ways after that, right Wolf Man? No funny business!"

Fenrir snorted. He did not reply but he knew that he made a nice find that day. Without a fight, he managed to find a nice bunch of Kyber Crystals which shall undoubtedly be used for making his Knight's Lightsaber!

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 April, 2019 1:11 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I loved your use of dialogue and descriptions of emotes to convey the interaction between these two characters. Subtle details like Fenrir growling his lines really added to the scene.


Can Be Improved

"Khyber crystals. You have?"

The correct spelling is Kyber.

Without a fight, he managed to find a nice bunch of Kyber Crystals

This ending didn’t give a clear winner and felt unsatisfying as a reader.

How you gonna get out of this one, Jon?

“Your cargo,” the strange wolf-thing half-said, half-growled, the blazing heat of the lightsaber never once wavering. “Now.”

“As you say, my canine companion,” Jon half-mumbled. It had far less cheer than his usual snark, but he began slowly walking back from the angry Sith, and towards the crate full of papers and holo discs. Cracking it open with one hand, Jon backed away up the bridge while Wolf-Man, still keeping his attention marginally on the mercenary, began rifling through the files looking for Force-knew what.

Jon briefly considered getting one last quip in, thought better of it, and only released a breath when he felt his feet touch solid rock once again. Now for the plan-

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Blast.

Guess I’m gonna have to move things along a bit, eh?

“You didn’t think you were going to get to walk away, did you?” Wolf-Man growled as he raised his lightsaber and began stalking toward Jon from the other side of the bridge.

Rather than speaking further, Jon moved as quick as he could, hoping against hope that it would be fast enough to out maneuver the Force-enhanced reflexes of a Dark Sider. With one hand, he tossed the single stun grenade hanging on his belt, while the other took out his black painted blaster Kuro and shot out one of the support beams on his side of the bridge.

Realizing the trick Jon was trying to pull, the wolf-like Sith sprang into action, pulling the stun grenade toward him telekinetically, before slicing it to pieces with his lightsaber, never once slowing as he began running, almost loping, across the bridge and toward his prey.

Cursing silently, Jon tried to blast the one remaining suppot beam before the enraged monster caught him. Too slow. The Sith grabbed Jon by the throat, and threw him to the hard volcanic stone, his lightsaber raised above his head and poised to bring it down.

“Miserable weakling, think you can trick me?”

“Don’t just think,” Jon huffed out through his badly bruised throat, “I know!” And with that, Jon activated the wrist blade hidden within the sleeve of his jacket, and swung wildly for the Sith’s throat.

The warning signs rang through the Force, and the Sith didn’t even think as he leapt backward out of the strike. Backward, and right back onto the bridge, just as Jon had hoped.

Jon quickly shot out the remaining beam, and watched with grim satisfaction as the bridge toppled into the lava below, carrying the contraband with it.

“Grraahhh! Miserable wretch,” came a voice from over the cliff. “I’ll rip you to pieces for this!”

Tentatively, Jon peeked over the edge of the cliff, and saw his new Sith friend clinging to the rock, his fur badly singed by the heat below. Jon imagined he just barely managed to avoid actually falling in. That would’ve been messy. Well, messier.

“I don’t doubt it friend,” Jon called as he turned and walked back toward his ship, “But not today.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 April, 2019 1:11 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This post had well-depicted and compelling action which also provided a satisfying conclusion to the conflict.


Can Be Improved

Jon tried to blast the one remaining suppot beam

This is a typo.

the wolf-like Sith sprang into action, pulling the stun grenade toward him telekinetically,

Fenrir does not have the telekenesis power at all. This is a major realism error under the ACC rubric