Seer Aiden Lee Deshra vs. Reaver Stres'tron'garmis

Seer Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Reaver Stres'tron'garmis

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Chiss, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
Comment

I want to first thank you both for participating in the Spring 2019 ACC Championship and for providing a fun, well-written match. You both should be immensely proud of the performance you put forward here. As I’m sure you already scrolled past this to see who the winner was before returning to read the comments in full I want to stress how razor close this match was and the scores reflect that. Realism calls were socialized with the entire staff and a second judge thoroughly examined the match and concurred in the judgment. This was a top-notch, championship level, performance from both of you.

Starting with syntax, this was a remarkably clean match with only a few errors across the board so send your proofers a thank you card. Rhylance takes the advantage for having fewer errors overall but it is worth noting that the varied use of language and prose was near equally strong on both sides. There were no continuity errors that I could see, but in future matches, I would carefully watch things like how many times the riot shield had been hit with a lightsaber.

Realism had a few close calls with only one actual error in Kord’s final post. I endeavor to read an ambiguous passage in a post in such a way as to avoid a realism error if I can, but I will make a comment if something gave me pause. This is why you’ll see some realism-related comments in the match that aren’t marked as errors per se, just things to be aware of in future matches. What all the “close calls” and the actual realism error have in common is a lack of clarity on what’s going on in the action. The single error of the jetpack crash could have been avoided through accounting for how they landed with Aiden having fewer injuries than he should have. I know this is a massive challenge with the word cap in place for this competition, but at this level, it’s the little things that decide matches. I will say this match has certainly generated a lot of discussion on proposed changes to certain items in possessions and that we applied the items in both loadouts as currently written.

You both did excellent in the story dimension, each falling just short of a full 5. However, the advantage went to Kord because of the pacing issue I mentioned in Rhylance’s first post. Also worth noting is Kord’s use of character perspective in focusing on Aiden’s point of view. Strong is, no pun intended, a strong character. It doesn’t take much for him to stand out and for the audience to get a feel for what he’s about. So the decision for Kord to focus on Aiden, a more subdued character compared to Strong, in his posts paid significant dividends for him. Kord’s final post switching focus to Strong to account for him breaking the mind trick was also a masterstroke. Rhylance had one of the best depictions of mind trick I’ve seen in my career, but it hurt him overall for the reasons I mentioned in the post comment, mainly that it killed the pacing. Well, to be clear, it was ending the second of a three post story in the manner Rhylance did hurt the pacing. It felt like a premature ending to the conflict.

Ultimately there must be a winner and with one of the closest scores in recent memory Rhylance wins and advances in the tournament.

Hall Spring 2019 ACC Championship
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Aiden Lee Deshra, Reaver Stres'tron'garmis
Winner Seer Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Reaver Stres'tron'garmis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 17 April, 2019 2:56 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: A few stray typos but nothing that detracted from the overall reading experience. Rationale: Some questionable capitalizations but otherwise two clean posts.
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Your use of character perspective was superb and your depiction of the combat was both creative and fun to read. What kept you from a 5 was a lack of either a truly unique story angle or the emotional response described in the ACC rubric. Rationale: You used the venue well and your combat and characterization were both excellent. However, your premature ending in your first post hurt the pacing of the match as a whole.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: The “crash” in your final post broke my suspension of disbelief. Rationale: A close call on the armor in your first post but no actual realism errors.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.4 Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.52
Posts

Takodana Maz Kanata’s Castle

When the First Order beset on Takodana, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takodana, and is littered with ancient ruins that resemble the structure of the castle itself. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

Takodana Maz Kanata’s Castle

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

Aiden Lee Deshra stalked carefully through the ruins, checking his steps before lowering his feet to avoid shifting rubble and alerting any scavengers who might be looting the destroyed castle. Takodana was a pleasant place to search for objects of power, and rumors had surfaced that the proprietor of the fortress-turned-bar had been in possession of several artifacts. That was before the First Order had turned much of the place to a smoking pit, if the occasional armor-clad body was any indication. Still, there was always a chance that the Force would guide his hand.s long as he stayed on task and could focus, he would—

”AIDEN!” came a booming shout, causing the Seeker to misstep and knock over a precarious column. Small creatures covered in fur scurried away towards the surrounding forest in panic, and Aiden winced, holding his breath and listening for any scavengers. A quick sweep with his Force-fueled senses suggested he was alone, aside from wildlife that cowered in hiding and whoever had just bellowed his name.

”Master Deshra! I would have words with you, good sir!”

“Oh no,” sighed the Human as he caught sight of the massive, chrome-clad figure strolling casually through the ruins, helmet tucked underarm. “Why? Why is he here?” he asked himself, then, “Stres’tron’garmis, what brings you to Takodana?”Aiden called out, knowing that trying to ignore his Consul’s bodyguard was pointless. He couldn’t focus with all this shouting, and would never accomplish his goal.

The armored Chiss turned to face the Seeker, a smile on his broad face.

”Ah! There you are! Excellent!”

Aiden sighed, “What do you want, Strong?”

”Why, to fight, of course!”

This caused the Human to blink, though in the depths of his soul he felt himself rising to the challenge already. He fought it back, maintaining control of the situation.

“Pardon? Did I offend your...noble sensibilities at some point?” asked the man, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

Strong laughed, a sonorous sound, while shaking his head. When he finished, his expression turned more serious, his red eyes steeling themselves.

”I bear no ill will to you, Master Deshra. Rather, I have heard tell of your debt, and devotion, to our good Rollmaster.”

“Zujenia? She saved my life, yes, but what does that have to do with you?” Aiden shifted his stance, hands dropping to the saber hilt at his side. The other in his sleeve was a comforting presence as well as he sized up the larger man. Behind the Chiss, in the shadows of what remained of a wall, he could just pick out the red photoreceptors of his infiltration droid, crouched and locked on to the bodyguard.

Strong nodded, not unaware of his fellow Arconan’s movements. He was less subtle, placing his helmet over his head and pulling his riot shield and batons forth. Aiden spotted a parting smile as the helm clicked into place. The man spoke back to the Seeker once more, this time his voice somehow even louder through the helmet.

”Indeed! Miss Zujenia is very dear to my Master, as you may know. Her companion Diy is quite dear to myself, as well,” rumbled the Chiss.

Blue-green eyes narrowed at Strong, “From anyone else I’d assume some implication in that statement, but your reputation suggests you don’t hide your meaning. What is this about, Garmis?”

The Reaver took a single step in Aiden’s direction, and the EX-625 pounced, beskads flaring to life with a crackle. Strong barely managed to turn and catch the double over-head strikes with his shield, the power fields filling the area with the smell of burnt ozone. The Chiss shouted and used his powerful strength to push the droid back, riot baton spinning to thrust forward. Electricity ran over the infiltration droid’s frame, causing it to stagger and twitch before going still. Strong let out a discontented grunt.

”I somehow expected it to be more capable,” he remarked aloud, before turning back to Aiden. ”My purpose, Master Deshra, is to ensure that your presence will not endanger those lovely women my Master and I are so enamored with!”

“You want to make sure I’m capable of fighting!?” asked the incredulous Seeker. He cursed under his breath when the Chiss didn’t respond verbally; instead, the Reaver charged towards the Human.

Guess he’s done explaining his intentions, thought Aiden, letting the intense silvery blade of his saber spring to life. He parried away the baton that sought his midsection, much as it had his droid, and felt his arm almost go numb from the force behind it. Well, that’s not good.

With a twist of his wrist, his shoto-saber fell into his left palm, activating with a snap-hiss. He spun the amethyst blade in hand, emitter facing down, and used it to redirect the next blow, turning his body with the strike to lessen the impact. With the momentum of this, he used his right hand to drive his saber towards the Reaver, hoping to injure the Chiss and end things decisively. The silver saber skipped off the riot shield’s energy field, marring the yellow trim and causing it to flicker.

It wasn’t designed for this, mused the Seeker, narrowing his eyes once more. The two men circled, exchanging ineffectual attacks to feel one another’s defenses out. Behind Strong, Aiden’s luminescent gaze caught sight of his droid straightening, swords rising as the EX-625 began to stalk at the bodyguard’s back.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 April, 2019 1:31 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“You want to make sure I’m capable of fighting!?” asked the incredulous Seeker.

Your use of character perspective in this post was outstanding. As a reader I felt a bond with Aiden as a character through him asking questions about what was going that I was asking. This was a nice compliment to your use of bold font and descriptive emotes to paint a vivid picture of Strong’s character.


Can Be Improved

the Force would guide his hand.s long as he stayed on task and could focus

This is a typo.

The silver saber skipped off the riot shield’s energy field, marring the yellow trim and causing it to flicker. It wasn’t designed for this, mused the Seeker, narrowing his eyes once more.

This passage is slightly ambiguous as to whether the saber or the riot shield is flickering. I’m reading it as the riot shield flickering which would be consistent with a glancing blow from a lightsaber. This is not a realism error as I read it, but be careful in future matches with how you describe action scenes.

In terms of sheer brute strength, Aiden knew he was at a clear disadvantage. He couldn’t take many direct hits from this beast of a Chiss. Fortunately for the Force user, he noticed the movements of the hulking attacker were somewhat constrained. It was an unfortunate side effect of the armor.

Feeling returned to his right arm as the numbness melted away. Aiden smirked and gave a slight nod to the droid. He moved with a swift lunge, aiming the silvery blade at his opponent’s chest. Strong easily brandished his shield to protect himself and bashed the plasma blade to the side, the energy field again flickering as it nearly failed to protect its wielder. The Chiss countered with a ferocious swing of his baton, catching Aiden’s shoto blade and throwing him off his feet.

Aiden tumbled along the ground, the muscles in his arm strained from the blow. As he winced in pain, the Seeker heard the metallic clanging of Beskad blades impacting plate armor. He watched as Vizerian assaulted the chrome plated fool of a Chiss from behind. The dense, weighted blades managed to dent the armor on Stres'tron'garmis’s shoulders, and the electrical surge of the energy amplified blades crawled along the metal. The surging energy caused the azure man's body to twitch against his will.

The sound of the Chiss’s pained groan could be heard through his chrome-coated helmet. With a deep growl escaping his throat, Strong spun around violently, again swinging his riot baton with every ounce of his strength. Unable to escape, the baton caught Vizerian in its upper torso, nearly ripping the droid in half as it was sent flying into a nearby wall, before falling to the ground. The wall shook and collapsed, burying the droid.

“Your dishonorable droid serves you ill, Deshra. I would have hoped a man of your talents could face me alone,” the larger than life Chiss shook his head at the Human’s tactics. “Stand up and fight me as a man.”

The Balance Adherent shook his head in derision. The “honorable” tower of muscle was allowing him to stand and prepare himself before the fighting commenced again. Spar, duel, fight to the death. None of these changed Aiden’s ideas of combat. You fought to win. And the lull in the action, taken to allow an opponent their bearings, was a bore to an otherwise enjoyable and interesting match. Aiden took the momentary stall and rose from the ground. Lightsabers in hand, he concentrated and prepared to resume.

“Now, if you are ready,” Stres'tron'garmis readied his arms, his helmet hiding his mustached expression. “Let us begin.” The Seeker snorted at the Chiss’s words.

Aiden lashed out first, whipping his left arm forward and releasing the shoto blade. Using the Force to guide the amethyst blade, he aimed it at the towering figure's chest. Once more Strong adjusted the shield to block. The blade impacted the weakened shield, shorting out the energy generator. The lightsaber turned off as it fell to the ground, and Strong tossed the damaged shield away.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Aiden moved with elegant precision as he pressed his advantage. He whipped his wrist with focused intent, allowing the silver blade to weave and glide smoothly through the air. Strong deflected each effortless strike with his baton. Kept on the defensive by the experienced duelist, he found his own speed lacking slightly. His fears turned to fact as the Force user spun with the force of the Chiss’s block, the fluid ripost searing into his left arm. The plate armor couldn’t shield him from the superheated plasma.

Stres'tron'garmis forced himself to move through the pain. He felt the burn in his arm, his armor still heated where the silver blade melted through. He thrust the baton into Aiden’s chest, knocking the grey Jedi to the ground once more. Gasping on the ground, the air having been knocked from his lungs, Aiden watched the lumbering figure take a few steps back.

“You...had enough...yet?” he asked while catching his breath. “I came here...for a reason you know.”

Strong was resolute with his own mission. The trickster before him had landed a few good moves on him, but nothing to prove his worth to the honorable son of the House Garmis. Without honor, what worth did a man truly possess?

“No other reason is as important as the protection of the ones we care for! You have not proven to me that Zujenia is safe at your side in friendship! Now, set aside your tricks! Your blade against my strength, that is what shows your true ability as a man!”

Aiden listened as the Chiss continued his monologue about honor, duty, and manhood. Standing up, albeit shakily, the Seeker's silvery blade receded at his command. This oaf would no longer disrupt his search for artifacts. Especially as Zujenia was the one who sent him to this desecrated castle in the first place. Placing the hilt back onto his belt clip, the Grey Jedi concentrated on Strong.

“Stres'tron'garmis, you will throw down your weapon, go back to your ship, and leave this place in peace.”

As he spoke in his commanding tone, the Force grew dark within his words. Within the confines of the chrome helmet, Strong’s mind was taken in by the dark tendrils of the Force seeping into his subconscious. A part of him knew the command was a futile one. It was an order by a lesser man who held no control over him. That knowledge was slowly drowned out by Aiden’s order.

“Throw down your weapon.”

Strong's will shook but did not falter. His mind fought against the intruding influence.

The baton shut off before crashing into the rubble nearby. Strong’s arm hung down after throwing his weapon to the side.

“Go back to your ship.”

With strain clearly showing on his movements, Strong turned away from his opponent and took the steps to find his ship.

“Leave this place in peace.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 April, 2019 1:31 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Within the confines of the chrome helmet, Strong’s mind was taken in by the dark tendrils of the Force seeping into his subconscious.

This is one of the better depictions of mind trick that I’ve seen in my career both as a judge and a competitor. You depicted the struggle inside Strong’s mind as he naturally resists the command and you made the command something plausible so when he does eventually succumb to it the suspension of disbelief isn’t broken.


Can Be Improved

His fears turned to fact as the Force user spun with the force of the Chiss’s block, the fluid ripost searing into his left arm. The plate armor couldn’t shield him from the superheated plasma.

Strong’s armor has an aspect called Intense Local Magnetic Field which would allow it to deflect all but a direct blow from a lightsaber. As written this passage seems to describe a glancing blow rather than a direct one. However, the field must be activated to be effective and there is nothing up to this point in the match to indicate it was. This isn’t a realism error but in the future be wary of an opponent’s item aspects, especially armor.

“Leave this place in peace.”

This feels like a premature ending to the conflict. It certainly hurts the pacing of the story as the combat grinds to a halt and space must be devoted in both you and your opponent’s ending posts to restarting the conflict. If this was a strategic rather than purely creative choice then it hurt you more than it hurt your opponent.

The Seeker watched Strong march towards the edge of the rubble and the surrounding clearing that had once served as a landing field for this place, now overgrown from disuse. With a pained sigh, rubbing at his chest where the baton had struck him, the Human returned to his work. A glance towards his fallen droid earned another sound of exasperation. Repairing him would be costly. Those were concerns for later, though; for now, he had a mission to complete. Hopefully without further annoyances caused by the towering Chiss. Aiden picked his way back further into the rubble, looking for the entrance to the rumored lower levels of the castle, where it was likely any storerooms would be found.

Stres’trong’armis was sweating under his helm from the exertion of fighting his own self. It was not the first time that a Force wielder had ordered him off to do something against his will. Deshra had been cleverer than most in seeking to simply end their battle by sending him away, rather than the acts some of the more grandiose Sith would attempt. It was subtle and an almost agreeable suggestion that part of him wanted to follow. Aiden was a fellow Arconan, a friend to several of his own, and had proved himself capable of standing up to him in a fight despite the droid’s interference.

The overgrown landing pads came into view, Aiden’s own small vessel to one side. Strong grit his teeth as the order played out in his mind to ‘go back to your ship’, his head pounding. His armored feet carried him towards a circle of blown down and scorched grass where his companion Diy had let him off before she flew off to ‘find a beach on this ball of trees.’ There was no ship to return to, and his fight against Aiden’s mental domination resurged, breaking the hold. Strong turned back to the ruins and reached over his shoulder, grasping the hammer that rested there. It would prove ineffective against a lightsaber but that did not mean it lacked its uses. He set off towards the castle once more with grim determination.

Aiden focused through half-lidded eyes, hand raised as he channeled the Force to shove some rubble aside. It was in a short hallway, easily missed with sunlight streaming down with the missing roof, and there was a sign for a staircase pointing downwards. He didn’t concern himself with the noise he was making now; any looters would have fled from the sounds of battle. The fallen bits of stonework shifted and scrapped across the flagstones, grinding loudly. His concentration faltered, however, as a sound grew in the background of his perception.

He paused his work, letting the debris settle, and turned to look at the wall behind him in question. A screaming alarm from the Force prompted him to stumble back and throw both lightsabers up to guard.

The head of a power hammer slammed into the wall, knocking duracrete and mortar alike out in an explosion of dust and rubble towards the Seeker. He tried not to breathe any of it in, allowing the Force to guide his blades to remove debris before it could impact. Another warning itched its way across his mind, and Aiden focused to create a shield before him. The hammer struck again, the shockwave generators blasting back the dust and scouring the area around the Seeker, peppering the barrier he’d just managed to erect.

”Aiden! We did not finish our fight, good sir!”

You’ve got to be kidding me, thought the Human, gritting his teeth and reinforcing the barrier with more energy. He heard a whine from the other side of the wall, and a third time the Force did warn him of danger. As useful as that was, it didn’t help when it simply seemed to imply ‘don’t be here anymore’ in the tight quarters he’d found himself in. Aiden waited for the hammer once more to fall and set his feet, closing his eyes and focusing on his shield with a deep breath. He could outlast this, with the aid of the Force, and then disarm and disable the Chiss once more.

On the other side of the wall, Strong reached down to key his shield generator on. He gripped his hammer in both hands, letting out a breath.

This may hurt, thought the noble son to himself, taking a moment to steel himself. Confident in his ability, armor, and heritage, the Garmis scion lowered his shoulders and activated the rockets.

Aiden’s eyes snapped open at the boom on the other side, almost losing control of his barrier when the chrome-plated monster of a Chiss tore through what remained of the wall. Strong’s hammer lead the man’s charge. The weapon swung in mid-flight, smashing the barrier and sending a wave of energy across Aiden, making his head swim. He didn’t see the hammer being tossed away but grunted as armored arms wrapped around him. The Seeker heard his sabers spark against an energy field before the force of the grip caused him to release his hold on them, the pressure on his elbows becoming too painful.

Air rushed around Aiden’s ears as the rocket pack fired off again, this time up and at an angle. The Seeker tried to shout at Strong over the sound as he felt their trajectory shift at the top of their arc, speeding downward.

Not how I thought I’d die.

The two crashed into the nearby field, where they bounced and tumbled through the grass. Amazingly, Aiden limped to his feet first with a groan, looking down to see Strong a sprawled mess, his helmet having come off at some point. The Chiss was blinking at the sky, a grimace on his face.

“You’re absolutely mad,” growled Deshra, kicking the main in the temple with Force-fueled strength, finally knocking the man out. Aiden collapsed to the grass and let the sun’s warmth take him into unconsciousness as well.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 April, 2019 1:32 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

He heard a whine from the other side of the wall, and a third time the Force did warn him of danger. As useful as that was, it didn’t help when it simply seemed to imply ‘don’t be here anymore’ in the tight quarters he’d found himself in.

This is probably one of the more creative and humorous depictions of the precognition power that I’ve ever seen. Again, this really helped me as a reader connect with Aiden as a character.


Can Be Improved

The two crashed into the nearby field, where they bounced and tumbled through the grass.

This passage gave me pause. Strong is 322 pounds plus gear and armor, unless he used the rocket pack to mitigate the fall somehow he is going to seriously injure Aiden if they “crash.” My confusion is compounded by the fact you have Aiden get up, give Strong an amplified kick then succumb to unconsciousness himself. While Aiden does have the control self power, it is unlikely he’d be able to maintain it while using amplification at the level he has it. This is a minor realism error.

Aiden took a deep breath and watched as the oversized Chiss walked off, his mind corrupted by the Seeker’s influence. A grin crossed his face as he felt his battle lust calming. He had been training himself and it seemed to be paying off. He hadn’t lost himself in this fight.

Looking over to the pile of rubble his droid was currently buried under, Aiden shook his head. While he wasn’t sure if the droid was still functional, the thought of not having a “protector” who actually wanted him dead was appealing. In the end, he decided to come back for Viz. First he had a job to do.

Reaching his left hand out, Aiden called out through the Force and pulled his discarded shoto lightsaber back into his possession. He returned the hilt to its home within his left sleeve. Turning back to the fallen castle, the Balance Adherent resumed the task at hand. His search for ancient artifacts that might strengthen his new clan was an important mission. More so because it was asked of him by his friend and savior, Zujenia.

Coming across an opening into the castle, Aiden made his way through the rubble. What he found was what looked the remains of a bar and music hall. He walked through the ruined cantina, the remnants of its patronage lay strewn about the stone floors. Being careful not to lose his footing over the derelict ground, the Seeker scanned the room for any signs or clues.

"Aiden!"

The booming voice of Strong rang out through the room, surprising Aiden. As he turned his head to watch the doorway he tripped over a broken chair and collapsed to the ground. Aiden picked himself up, groaning from a bruised knee. He watched as the hulking mass that was Stres’tron’garmis barged into the cantina. A large illuminated hammer was held in his mighty grasp. The burned hole in his armor was still easily seen, but Strong fought through the pain. His singed flesh ached, weakening his left arm slightly. The Chiss approached the Human with heated intent.

“Should have just left like I told you to, Strong,” Aiden muttered, still sore from his fall. “I’m trying to do my job here.”

"Your actions today have dishonored you, Deshra! I will not allow your disgraceful tactics to stand!”

Strong pulled his hammer back and swung down, forcing Aiden to roll to his feet before the blunt face smashed into the ground, cracking the hardened stone on impact. Strong was clearly unhappy with the Force User. He wasn’t playing around anymore.

“Can’t we talk about this? You don’t want me to upset Zuji by not completing my assignment,” he knew the pleading wouldn’t work, but he needed time to concentrate. Focusing on his left hand, Aiden willed the Force into a tight coil.

"You trounced around in my mind! That sort of dishonorable trickery will not be tolerated!”

Strong pulled the hammer to the side before sweeping it at the Seeker’s feet. Aiden jumped over the pommel and pulled out his lightsaber hilt. As he rolled on the debris covered floor, Aiden punched the ground, releasing a wave of kinetic energy from the detonation point. The burst of energy slammed into Strong, knocking the brute down. His right hand held tight to the hammer. Activating his lightsaber, Aiden swung the silvery blade downward, purposefully missing Strong’s arm, and instead slicing the battleworn handle in half.

Strong, furious at the destruction of his war hammer, grabbed the half with the maul still attached and pushed himself to his feet. He smashed the face of the hammer into the ground, missing Aiden’s saber wielding hand as the Seeker rolled to his feet. Not letting up, the Chiss swung hard in a side sweep, catching the Balance Adherent’s chest with the side of the hammer. Aiden flew off of his feet and landed harshly on his back. He felt ribs break from the impact. Coughing violently, he could taste the iron in his mouth as blood marred his cheeks.

Strong stood over the downed Force wielder and grabbed him by his robes, lifting him into the air. He carried the Human towards the exit.

“You fought well, dirty tricks aside. I am proud to call you a fellow Arconan, my friend! You are free to continue your association with Zujenia! Now let’s get you some much needed medical attention!” the noble son of House Garmis was filled with the utmost pride. His voice loudly exclaimed his noble candor as he continued his speech. “I look for the day we fight as brothers, side by side, fighting for our loved ones’ safety! I only pray that your scandalous ways cease. I will show you the way of a noble man who fights with honor and courage!”

Aiden fought to breath through the shattering pains in his chest. He was going to need serious medical attention after that last blow. The Chiss who held him continued his endless drawl, much to the Human’s chagrin. Enough was enough. His left arm hung still, dangling at his side. Concentrating on his re-hidden shoto hilt, Aiden commanded the Force to do his bidding. Falling free from its confines, the hilt landed in his grasp before he quickly ignited the Amethyst blade and stabbed it into the Chiss’s hip.

Strong let out a painful wail that reverberated throughout his helmet. On reflex, he released Aiden, causing the Human to collapse onto the ground below before dropping to the floor himself. While not a lethal wound, it was enough to bring the hulking figure to bear.

Aiden continued to struggle as he coughed up more blood. He lost, but the battle was one he quite enjoyed. Smirking, and feeling himself losing consciousness, he finally spoke.

“Looks like...you won Strong. Congratulations. Now...how about you call us some help?” the Seeker coughed as he spoke.

"You dishonorable fiend!"

Strong continued to yell as Aiden’s vision faded to darkness.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 April, 2019 1:32 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Coming across an opening into the castle, Aiden made his way through the rubble. What he found was what looked the remains of a bar and music hall. He walked through the ruined cantina, the remnants of its patronage lay strewn about the stone floors.

This is an excellent use of the venue and paints a vivid picture in the reader’s mind.


Can Be Improved

Not letting up, the Chiss swung hard in a side sweep, catching the Balance Adherent’s chest with the side of the hammer.

You capitalize “balance adherent” throughout both of your posts even though it isn’t a proper noun.