Knight Wraith vs. Warden Raiju Kang

Knight Wraith

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Falleen, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Warden Raiju Kang

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Nautolan, Jedi, Marauder, Mandalorian
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC! It's always great to see people return here again and again to write stories together. I'll remind you that, whoever has won this battle, both of you built something together, and that's worth being proud of.

To begin with Syntax was a problem for both of you. I would highly recommend, as I would to anyone, to get a proofer to aid you. Another pair of eyes can really make a lot of difference. For syntax I gave Fenrir the advantage, as his errors were less, but mostly for having written less.

You both also had issues with realism in your posts. While you both came out roughly equal, with only one or two errors apiece, more attention towards this matters could have really benefitted the both of you. Make sure to pay attention the use of Force powers, and the character sheets of both combatants while writing.

In continuity we see a difference, with only Fenrir erring in this category. Take this not as a criticism, but a reminder to pay careful attention to the established facts of any match, and to work your post seamlessly into it. This might have been a fatal error, all else being equal, and swung the results of the match.

What was a fatal error, however, lies in story, where in Raiju's final post an NPC interfered to end the fight. The use of NPCs to interfere in a fight has always been against the rules and the spirit of the duelist hall, which is supposed to be a contest of two opponents against eachother. Both Raiju and Wraith were clearly capable of still fighting in Raiju's final post when an NPC stepped in to end the fight. Make certain to avoid this in the future, as without this error the outcome of the match might have been very different.

Therefore, the winner of this fight is Fenrir. Thank you both for participating!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Wraith, Warden Raiju Kang
Winner Knight Wraith
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Wraith's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warden Raiju Kang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Club Vertica
Last Post 11 October, 2019 2:47 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Grot
Syntax - 15%
Warden Lontra Boglach Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Multiple, repeated errors drag down the score Rationale: There were multiple, repeated errors, but less so than the opponent.
Story - 40%
Warden Lontra Boglach Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Overall the story was average, but a significant error in the last post really hurt the score. Rationale: The story was acceptable, but never really rose to be better than average at any point, or really impress me.
Realism - 25%
Warden Lontra Boglach Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Two errors were noted. Rationale: One error was noted.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Lontra Boglach Inquisitor Valaeron
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No errors were noted. Rationale: Two errors were noted
Warden Lontra Boglach's Score: 3.25 Inquisitor Valaeron's Score: 3.52
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Club Vertica

A gambler’s den of the Vertical City’s greatest bettors, Club Vertica is a casino reserved for the wealthiest of Nar Shaddaa. Cardshark droids are used exclusively to deal hands to those willing to risk their credits at the sabacc tables. Cheating is rendered near impossible under the surveillance of the droid's six photoreceptors. That, of course, does not stop the downtrodden from accusing others of being a fraud, which can often happen before someone receives a blaster bolt between the eyes. The few that have been able to use skiffers undetected are counted as some of the best swindlers in the Galaxy.

Cerulean lights illuminate the tables, making concealment during a game difficult. Seated around most of the oval tables are a mix of gamblers from different species, succumbing to their addiction for the ultimate prize—the sabacc pot. Credits are tossed onto the tables forming mountains that draw in fierce competitors with deeper pockets and faster wit than the usual patrons.

Behind the games of sabacc, drinks are being served from the alcove of a small bar. Most of these are a shade of blue in color, expertly mixed to dull the senses of all but the hardiest individuals. Onstage, a local band sets the mood of the venue with an upbeat number that deafens out most conversations. The stakes are always high at Club Vertica.

Between the sounds of the droids whizzing by, the dull but blaring music, and the loud and slurred speech of the patrons; the casino was filled with a familiar chorus. The trills and jangles of the slot machines, the clink of credit chips, and the excited prattling of at least a dozen different languages; all gathered together to create a nostalgic ambiance for the Nautolan in the center of the room. This was the best place to win a fortune or lose all your credits; it depended on your perspective - and more importantly, your luck. Regardless, Club Vertica was the best place to forget about the galaxy and its problems for awhile.

The casino floor was jam-packed. The sabacc tables in the pit were like little islands, around which flowed streams of jocund humanoids of every colour and shape. Each being here had their own story, their own thread connecting them to the Galaxy. But all that melted away on the sabacc table, where all that mattered was the crisp rat-a-tat of riffled cards. Seated at one of these sabacc tables, the Nautolan Raiju Kang remained concentrated on his cards while he ignored the serving droids pushing their blue drinks. Yet, his focus on the rotating value of his cards was briefly broken when a new contender climbed into the seat on the right side of him.

Raiju wouldn’t have paid the man any attention, yet the near seven foot tall gangly-freak proceeded to stare at the Nautolan as if he was waiting to be addressed. When Raiju finally glanced over, his nostrils caught a faint scent in the air and immediately the Nautolan’s sight held on the Falleen as his heart leaped into his throat. Confusingly, Raiju felt an unusual draw to the male and it was several long heart beats that their eyes remained locked before the Nautolan regained his senses and shook some bitter thoughts from his mind. In turn, this produced a deep chuckle from the Falleen, who tried to explain.

“Pheromones.” The tall, gangly creature simply stated; as if answering the look of puzzlement on the Nautolan’s face.

“You might want to get that check out, friend.”

Grabbing one of the blue concoctions from a cart that motored by, Raiju took a heavy drink to help clear the lump in his throat. Beside him, the Falleen had already exchanged his credits with the cardshark droid and been dealt in on the new hand. Without either of them exchanging further looks, they began to play the next hand but the Falleen continued the conversation with a change in tone.

“Are all Nautolans as simple as you? How do you make it to Nar Shaddaa without knowing Falleens can manipulate their pheromones?”

“Can’t say I spent much time with any aside from your mother...” Raiju spat back at the Falleen, placing down a card and coming within three points of plus twenty-three. In return, the Falleen placed a two as his next card and Nautolan immediately knew where the Falleen was going next. “An Idiot’s Array, really?”

“I’m surprised you recognized it.” The Falleen responded. Raiju had to discard his next card, and when it came around to the Fallen again he was quick to stall. “Let me ask you something, Nautolan, do you think a fool knows he’s a fool?”

With that, the Fallen placed a card valued at three on the table.

Immediately the suspension table turned to green as a bell tolled to announce a winner. Yet, in the confusion Raiju chose to cut the celebrations short. Launching himself sideways, the Nautolan drove his right elbow towards the Fallen’s temple while his left hand dropped onto the holster on his right hip. Yet somehow, Wraith was already ahead of the Nautolan and caught the elbow firmly in the palm of one hand and fixed his other over Raiju’s so he couldn’t draw the blaster.

A mistake, as the Nautolan had no intention of drawing the weapon.

Instead, Raiju leaned away from the Falleen and fired the blaster in three quick bursts while it was still holstered. The first tore a hole in the holster, the second ate into the floor, but the third caught the Falleen in the foot. A cry of pain from the Falleen accompanied a release of Warith’s grasp, but before the Nautolan moved away his right hand dove into his pockets and then darted into the Fallen’s cloak while Wraith hunched over the table and turned his cry of pain into a roar of anger.

Around them, panic set into the patrons in their immediate vicinity and they retreated in horror. Yet, almost immediately security had stepped in to take their place. Raising his hands in defense, Raiju spat at the security team before placing his hand back into the pocket of the Falleen’s cloak in full sight of the room.

“He's a cheat! Look what he has in his pockets!” Raiju roared as he pulled a second sabaac deck from the Fallen’s pocket.

Grot, 20 October, 2019 9:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You definitely take some time to establish the setting which is appreciated. By the reader really gets dragged in to the den of sin and greed that is Club Vertica, and both characters are given a very good reason to be there. They simply want to gamble, and get in a barfight, what could be more simple and classic?

Can be Improved

To begin with, the syntax really needs some work. There are numerous misspellings and punctuation errors littered throughout this post. Most prominently are the misspelling of "Faleen" as "fallen" (probably autocorrect) and the overuse of semi-colons and commas.

Secondly the reason for them fighting seems pretty rushed to me. It's a gambling dispute, sure, caused by the Faleens sense of superiority, but isn't there anything more? Both characters have Sense, they should be able to feel that the other is a Force user. Do they know each other? Was Raiju cheating with his spare deck to begin with? There's so much more info I want on this situation, just having the fight break out over a lost hand of sabacc seems rushed

As his reptilian green hands grabbed the sides of the table tightly, Wraith fought to dull the pain using the Force. The blaster bolt to his leg was nothing short of agonizing. At the same time, he could hear a rising din around him: murmur in various tongues from around the Galaxy. All of these wealthy club patrons, poor riff-raffs and everything in between, came here for a night of enjoyment. None of them in their wildest dreams thought they'd behold a deadly brawl between two Force-users. Deadly because they are more likely to be the collateral damage. Even through the pain he almost heard, "Jedi poo doo..."

The Falleen Sith hissed to his teeth at the security that seemed to be closing in on the pair of them, or him especially since his trick was discovered. "It's a trick! It belongs to him!" Whether visible or not, which he did not care at this moment, he called on the Force to heal his wound. Thank goodness his foe simply stood there like a simpleton! Standing stationary with a hand on the table to offer balance, his other hand extended to where the wound was. All he needed was a few more moments to close the wound for now.

The Nautolan merely stood their with a smart pose and said,"Do explain that. It came from your pocket. Did you really think you could rob this establishment, and the people of their hard-earned money? Smart, but not smart enough. Now..." taking his eyes to look around for the establishment's manager "arrest him before he brings down the house...."

But that was a mistake. Even halfway as he turned, Raiju Kang felt the force shout a warning to him. He spun quickly to face his foe again, but too late!

Wraith hit him with a cackling bolt of Force Lightning, the metal of his armor augmenting the impact. The powerful point-blank attack threw him into the air, and against the wall behind heavily. He writhed and twisted in agony on the floor as the lightning tormented his body for several seconds.

Unfortunately for Wraith, though his wound was closed, his own attack left him weak enough to slump to the floor. Well, at least the loud-mouthed Nautolan was suffering as much as he is. Possibly more.

Grot, 20 October, 2019 9:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I like how Raiju takes the time to play to the security and have them arrest Wraith, which really plays to his personality. Both characters are given a sense of who they are and brought to life by the writing.

Can be Improved

There are a number of minor spelling errors in this post, which could have easily been avoided with better proofing.

There’s a continuity error when it’s stated Wraith took a blaster bolt to the leg, when in the previous post he was shot in the foot instead.

The representation of Healing seems implausible to me here. Wraith only has Healing at +1, and a direct blaster wound like that is a fairly major major wound. Per the power description, it should take him hours, if not a whole day to close the wound and begin meaningfully healing. The most he could have done in such a short time is stem the bleeding, if that.

There’s another realism or continuity error (take your pick, I wrote it up as continuity since the post implies the wall was nearby) when Wraith uses his Force lightning. The Force lightning rockets Raiju across the casino into a wall, but in the previous post the two characters were dead center in the casino, in the Sabacc pits. So one of two scenarios occurred: either the characters were written as being closer to the wall than previously established, or the Force lightning was so unrealistically powerful it tossed him across the entire club. I went with the former interpretation.

If you had ever been hit in the chest with a large hammer, you’d know how the Nautolan felt at this moment. Add to that the strain electricity running through your body causes, and you’d understand that Raiju was now ready to call it a night. Beneath his armour he an intense burning sensation, while the rest of his muscles screamed in protest at any moment. However, he knew he had to finish the night with a win and this simply would not count as that.

A sucking sound pierced the wail of the crowd as the Nautolan rolled onto his chest and propped himself up on his hands. A wet, hacking cough produced blood onto the floor but the creature was distracted by the commands being shouted behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, Raiju caught a glimpse of the security team encircling the downed Falleen and commanding him to place his hands behind his back. Yet, despite the six of them all producing stun-batons the Falleen chose a path of defiance and stuck at the group with a fail of his electro-whip. Swiping it around himself, the Falleen kept the group at a distance through the intimidation of the weapon snapping at any would-be heroes.

A long drawn out curse erupted from the Nautolan as he lift himself up onto his feet again as his muscles once again protested the pain of the movement. Several deep breaths from the creature brought his focus onto the areas of pain and with his concentration the throbbing sensations dulled with a touch of serenity. Yet, once the creature’s attention was brought back to the room surrounding him; Raiju felt a firm hand on his shoulder shake him back into the moment.

“Sir, I need you to have a seat while we get the situation under control.” The words came from a young human male that wore a security uniform with a shoulder patch signalling he was the officer of the group.

“I’m really in no condition to argue with you, friend.” Raiju started, but paused for a moment when he thought he’d vomit as all the blood rushed away from his head. When he was ready to continue, he waved the pair of lightsaber hilts in his hands. “But I feel like I’m the best equipped for this job.”

A hush fell over the room as orange and blue hues washed over the face of the Nautolan.

“Now we will see how foolish the Jedi is!” Wraith screamed towards the Nautolan as his attention was caught by the activated lightsabers. Those few members of the casino who hadn’t cleared out of the sabaac pit immediately launched themselves towards the stairs while the security team themselves took a few cautionary steps back from the fry. Then, with all eyes on the Jedi, the Falleen snapped his electro-whip above his head before launching forward.

Raiju wouldn’t say he was unfamiliar with whips, but he would admit he’d only seem them in the bedrooms of a few treasured consorts. When the Fallen leapt forward and brought his string weapon around to grab both of the Nautolan’s sabers and tied them together, Raiju had a moment of panic. Not many things could grip a lightsaber, so clearly this weapon had an electromagnetic pulse to it. Tug as he may, Raiju knew he wasn’t going to pull himself free of this knot so when he saw his opponent reaching for a second whip; Raiju knew he had to make this short.

Pulling his orange blade over his left shoulder, reeling the Falleen towards him, Raiju snapped the activation button on his black hilt causing its blue blade to vanish from the knot. Immediately though, the Nautolan snapped the button again and blue blade crackled back into existence free from the whip’s grasp and on a path to strike through the Falleen’s hilt.

A scream of fury sounded from the Falleen’s lips as the first whip fell helplessly from its grip on the orange blade but before he could lash out in anger with a second, this one golden, whip; Raiju leapt forward with his arm extended held his flame projecter square to Wraith’s face. A look of dread passed over the Falleen’s face for a split second as he imagined his own face engulfed in fire but a familiar defiance fell over the being.

“You wouldn’t, Jedi.”

“Don’t count on it.” Raiju chuckled until a look of fear snapped into the Falleen’s eyes, but when the Nautolan squeezed the trigger; the projecter weezed but failed to produce a pilot flame to ignite.

For several moments, the bar seemed to move in slow motion as both combatants reacted to their luck. Wraith slowly began to cackle at the Nautolan’s misfortune while Raiju cursed the fried electronics in his armor. Yet, before either of them could react one of the security’s stun-batons smacked into the back of the Falleen and downed him to the ground in front of the Nautolan.

Seizing upon the opportunity, Raiju launched himself towards the fallen being and struck him hard with a fist bound tight over his deactivated lightsaber hilt. It tooks several pairs of hands to pull the Nautolan off of the Falleen but when they were finally separated; the Falleen laid in stun-cuffs while the Nautolan stood, panting, in front of the team leader.

“I didn’t think Jedi were supposed to give into anger…?” The young security officer stated as he clamped a firm hand on Raiju’s shoulder and turned the creature around to face him.

“Former.” The Nautolan spat through his numb lips before pausing to wipe some leaking drool on his sleeve.

“Pardon?”

“I’m a former Jedi.” Raiju clarified, now digging for something in his pocket. “I stopped practicing years ago, just can’t break all the old habits it seems.”

“So how’d you end up here?” Curiosity seemed to have gotten the best of the man, as he asked before wincing at the long story he expected to be unleashed.

“Came back to settle some old debts.” Raiju chuckled as he slapped a credit escrow card into the hand of the man and nodded towards the unconscious Falleen. “Tell your boss I’m in a new business and my services are not cheap. The escrow should cover everything I owed him and subduing that gangly freak should cover my tab for the night. If he requires any future assistance, tell him I can give him a discount with Clan Vizsla.”

Grot, 20 October, 2019 9:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I like the description and sense of place you give In this post. In many ACC posts you could be forgiven for thinking it takes place in a blank, white room. Here, though, you definitely take the time to bring the setting to life.

Can be Improved

Syntax continues to be an issue as above, and I would highly recommend getting a trusted proofer.

There's a pair of realism errors here related to the use of Wraith’s whip and his general condition. Firstly when he fought off the six security guards he was already slumped in exhaustion from his Force lightning attack, had already taken a blaster bolt, and not even trained in the use of that whip of his. He’s tired and unfamiliar with the weapon, there’s no way he could have fought off six security guard’s single handed with it, Force user or not. Secondly, Wraith uses his whip to bind Raiju's lightsabers but, again, is entirely untrained in its use. The sort of maneuvers he's pulling off are frankly beyond him, leading to the second realism error.

Lastly there is a significant story error with the use of the security guards. On the rubric it is explicitly stated that "using an NPC as a deus-ex machina (cop-out ending) or crutch" is an error, and this definitely counts as such. Both combatants were able and willing to fight until the security guard came and sucker punched Wraith. This is something that should definitely be avoided in the ACC.

Watching his foe slumped against the wall in an unceremonious heap gave him a sadistic pleasure, even though he himself was significantly battered. Wraith ignored the screams of patrons seeking to escape the room. The clubs security seemed to be doing a good job there. While some formed a ring around the two fighters, eyeing both nervously, the others busied themselves in escorting the guests outside.

The Nautolan shivered from the impact of the Force Lightning as if he had a sudden cold. Eyes still on the Nautolan, the Fallen spat, "Friggin' mercenary...should have known better that to pick up a fight in the middle of a crowded club." Yet, however he detested the foe, it was true that he did manage to shoot him. That was...commendable.

Suddenly, the Force screamed to him, warning him of immediate danger. Wraith wasted no time to look around but used the Force to haul himself from that spot. Sure enough, a large, heavy table fell on the exact spot where he was moments ago!

"So the Nautolan still had some fight left in him," smirked Wraith. Still winded from his previous attack, he found his body slower than usual.

Kaiju reached out with the Force, and started to levitate another large and heavy table to knockout his irritating opponent once for and all. The table swayed and creaked, but quickly and meekly rose into the air. Kaiju raised it above his head, using his right hand as a guiding point, ready to hurtle it at his foe. He could see that the Fallen was hurt. Once good shot will surely finish him off.

"Nice talking to you, Fallen filth!"

But Wraith was ready this time.

Kaiju could not remember when it started or how. All he felt was an overpowering tiredness, as if his mind and feet were turning into lead. All feeling and sensation passed away from him temporarily. Due to this mind-numbing effect, unfortunately the heavy table he wished to use a weapon unceremoniously dropped on him with an almighty crash.

Wraith hobbled over to his knock-out foe.

Wraith, still winded, walked himself steadily over to his knocked-put foe. He could not suppress a smile this time, nor a quip. "And to you too, Nautolan pest!"

Grot, 22 October, 2019 9:41 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

For a bar fight the fight gets really vicious! I love how utterly into the fight both characters are. I really get a sense of hatred and anger out of the writing.

Can be Improved

Syntax continues to be an issue, most notable the writing of "Raiju" as "Kaiju". Probably an autocorrect thing.

For such a generally dramatic fight, it comes to an end extremely suddenly, almost comically. Raiju literally gets a table dropped on his head. I would have liked just, overall, more description of the fight. The scenery, the conflict between the two characters, anything. By the time anything really got going it seemed like it was already over