Warden Yuk Voo vs. Hunter Ahsik Warren

Warden Yuk Voo

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Ongree, Jedi, Arcanist
vs.

Hunter Ahsik Warren

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Miraluka, Sith, Arcanist
Comment

First off, let me thank you both for participating in the ACC and completing your match! Excellent work!

I left a lot of notes on both of your posts, so please do read those. It is my hope that they help you grow and improve as an ACCer. Also, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions, I’ll be happy to help and answer any that I can.

There’s not much for me to say that I didn’t put in your post comments. Ahsik, please reach out for proofers. I know there are some excellent writers in your clan. Yuk, keep polishing your style and maybe narrow your focus to your opponent more, and get some more fighting in there. I’m well aware of the struggle of ‘first post’ is to set up the story, but don’t neglect the saber touching!

All in all, you both have talents and both have areas you can improve, but I think you’re on the right track. Learn from the comments, take inspiration from what your opponent wrote, and keep on writing!

At the end with a score of 3.6, Yuk (Orimis) is the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warden Yuk Voo, Hunter Ahsik Warren
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warden Yuk Voo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Ahsik Warren's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 10 December, 2019 8:08 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: A few errors found, the occasional missing comma/extra comma. Make sure you get proofed! Rationale: Large numbers of misspellings, missing commas, hyphens, and apostrophes. Please get proofed in the future.
Story - 40%
Deleted Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: The lack of conflict in your first post kept this from going up much, as did focusing on fighting the rancor rather than Ahsik in your second post. The lack of a solid ending didn’t help. Rationale: While you had plenty of conflict, some moments of Telling instead of Showing brought this down.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The TK Combat feat was a MAJOR Realism detractor. Otherwise, well done. Rationale: You had multiple minor errors as pointed out in the post notes.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Knight Ahsik Warren
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: Multiple errors.
Deleted's Score: 3.6 Knight Ahsik Warren's Score: 2.85
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers hoping to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

"So much death, so much, darkness," thought the Ongree as he stood, looking up at what was once a Rancor's rib-cage. "Was it the will of the Force, or something more sinister?"

The permeating darkness chilled him to the core. But it wasn't because Felucia was lacking sunlight, it was midday. This darkness was more, a feeling. He mourned for the loss of life but was pained by the loss of something else that was there, the loss of a soul. He could feel turmoil and a heaviness that was out of place, living. A life amongst the dead. He felt a tugging at his conscious and he was shown images of a being that was searching as the rabid Felucian Rippers searched for scraps within the boneyard. It had no eyes but could see clearly. It had a profane existence rife with torment and agony. But what did it want? he wondered, as he rotated his eye-stalks, desperately trying to see more.

His visions lead him to this place. The Force wanted him to be the catalyst for balance, to be the light in the darkness. But his vision was blurred. While the Force gave him images, they were unclear and metaphorical. Time would reveal the truth.

The humid air swept over him as he stepped forward and stabbed the tip of his cane into the soil, alternating it with each step. His robes flitted out behind him and his hood swelled as it trapped the air like a sail but clung to his tapered crown. Each step he took seemed to add more and more weight as he felt the dark aura increase the further he traveled. And then, his search was over. He stopped as his eyes shifted forward. He could see the silhouette of a man, kneeling at what appeared to be an old statue and just like that his mind was flooded with the answers to his lingering questions. "Ah," it was all made clear. The being before him radiated the same agony that the Jedi wore on his shoulders. The weight of an unfathomable pain and hatred. A hatred that churned his belly.

He reached out with the Force to touch the creatures mind with basic, hoping it spoke the Galactic language.

"Are you troubled, do you need help?" he projected, already having an idea of how the dark being was going to respond. He had dealt with the Darkside on more than one occasion. He was not afraid, there was no death, only the Force. That brought him comfort during times such as this.

The being chuckled and stood to its feet. It clearly received the message. Arms lowered but remained stretched out to its sides as it stepped forward.

The Ongree knew there were weapons in those hands by the way the dark one moved. His posture displayed aggression and a form he had witnessed before on the field of battle. As the being got closer, Yuk could see that it was male, mangled and unique in appearance. Much like he was, strangely he admired that. His bulbous eyes tried to lock onto the eyes of the practitioner of the dark arts but there were none. They were merely sockets crusted over by a solid… "A Miraluka," the Jedi thought. It was beginning to make sense.. The Miraluka were strong in the Force. It poured from their being like the waters of a thousand fountains in the old Temple. It explained why the presence was felt with such cogency.

As the Miraluka moved forward, the Ongree watched as a smile creased its face that revealed gangly teeth, twisted by the Darkside.

"Stop where you are foul one," The Ongree commanded with his mind. But the Miraluka did not, it wanted a fight. "Stop, now,"

Two batons slapped open, exploding from the Miraluka's hands and swept into a high guard.

"So be it," Yuk responded with Peace, one of his Lightsabers, as he plucked it from his belt and ignited it to match the threat. His verdure blade cast a serene glow as it washed over his features on its way to settling into a relaxed stance.

A laugh erupted from the Sith and the Jedi dropped his cane, ready for what was to come.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 December, 2019 3:35 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a lot of atmospheric writing here, a good description of the setting and how Yuk felt in it.

Can Be Improved


Action. You took a Major Story hit here for lack of conflict. Sabers need to touch as it were, or some other form of conflict, it was lacking in this post.

"So much death, so much, darkness," thought the Ongree as he stood

Would highly suggest you utilize Markdown to convey internal thoughts, the general practice is with Italics, so that it’s clear when things are internalized. Multiple times I had to go back to make sure Yuk wasn’t talking to the air.

Two batons slapped open, exploding from the Miraluka's hands and swept into a high guard.

I almost marked you for a Major Realism error here, as Ahsik only has 1 baton. Instead, I went with a Minor Story detractor since you probably meant his electrostave. An added descriptor about them ‘crackling with energy’ or ‘wreathed in lightning’ or something would have avoided this.

Ahsik spared no time for words, he ignited as he strode towards the Ongree. The other's cane had dropped and hit the floor already, and in the Jedi's hand was an unignited lightsaber. There was a distincive shift in the Ongree's stance, without the cane the Lightsider appeared to lose years of age, their shoulders and arm bearing distinct markings of a well trained duelist. These where signs of someone to not be attacked so easily, however Ahsik had been caught off guard, his sense in the force was broken in that moment, from having been so deep in meditation with the Dark side.

Ahsik took the last two steps in an accelerated rush, hardly a visible blur as he slammed down his Electrostaves, one over head and the other crossing upward. Yuk had sensed the attack and responded with an unusual burst of speed of his own, he had taken his saber hilt and jabbed it into the wrist attacking him from overhead and stepped inside the Miraluka's stance, free hand grabbing at the counter swing and pulling Ahsik of balance. The Ongree finished the exchange with a methodical sweep of his legs, it caused Ahsik to tumble a moment. Regaining his footing and a few retreating steps, he looked the Jedi in the eye and took a reanalysis of his opponent.

A fleck of darkness, fleeting passions of grandur and hatred passed through the other's heart, a mind clear with Light and thoughts of only to understand the place around them. These feelings that Ahsik had sensed had grown and anger in him. This place is for the Sith and the Truly living, not some drone slave to a cause that couldn't care of them less.

The Sith rebound his staves back into a staff and held it in a low guard. "Come at me, freak. i can sense your strength and it riles me up. Lets see how much stronger you are than you look." Ahsik was grinning by this point, he mind was flipping attitudes like a pages in a book. Yuk calmly ignited his lightsaber and said, "If this is something that must end in conflict then so be it, but do not forget that this opportunity to retreat was granted to you. This choice was yours to make." Yuk raised his lightsaber its tip angled right at Ahsik's heart.

Ahsik dropped his left hand from his staff, tucked under his right arm, and his left was let raised, palm up to the sky as he focused. Yuk sensed that there was a danger brewing and leaped over the distance between them, the Lightsaber in his hand slinging down in a deadly arc. The Miraluka could still see the attack as it was happening, regardless of his focus, and took a single step back, pivoting on his back foot and spinning his whole body to swing his staff, bracing between his right hand and his left knee. Ahsik continued his dance, alternating his pivot foot and swung his staff about his body twice more, each one was avioded however as Yuk sensed his capabilities when their weapons made contact.

The left hand that Ahsik had been used as a focus was now outstretched to Yuk, as the Ongree's senses became blurred and his footing began to feel unbalanced. His entire body told him that he was moving through resin and mud, and his movements became weighed down. The lightsbaer in his hands was wild and unruly.

Ahsik chuckled to himself as he took his staff in two hands, holding it to his forehead and perpendicular to the ground. A wave of senseless hatred crashed over the Jedi, emanating from the eyeless freak. The Miraluka's eyes glowed with the sinister black and amber that made up his stigma, and he rushed forward, fully enveloped in his Rage of the Darkside. His first attack had been a strike to his opponent's chest, a single thrust that tossed the ongree off his feet and backward. The staff had slipped past the guard of his saber and left a painful sting of lightning coursing through the Ongree's body. The effects of the slow were making hard for Yuk to retaliate, so he simply raised his hand and held it there a moment. Ahsik was after him immediately, staff held behind as the beast inside closed in of its prey. With a leap, Ahsik raised his staff and brought it down with all his strength. Yuk forced only his hand to his opponent and a powerful blast of Force energy smacked into the darksider and threw him farther than he had leaped. On his back and with an uncoordinated landing Ahsik began to come out his rage earlier than expected, and his staff had been dropped in the attack. The strain in Ahsik's bones was paired with the recovery of his opponent, and Ahsik called his staff back to himself and sat a moment with his heart cast into the tumultuous waves of the Darkside.

Yuk had stood and taken stance once more, the last of the effects of the Sith's Slow had worn off. The Jedi had grown tired of the exchange, wishing only for its end. Seeing the Sith sitting across from him, Yuk charged with his lightsaber and sought out the Darksider's heart with the tip of his blade. It couldve been the end of the fight however, he caught a glimpse of the future and changed his attack. What he saw was strange and unexpected of the situation.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 December, 2019 3:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a lot of action. A lot. Like wow that’s a lot of action. Well done!

Can Be Improved


Right off the bat let me say two things: Read your opponent’s post more carefully (Yuk turned his saber on in his post, you have him starting with it not on) and Get Proofed Every Time. You had over a dozen syntax errors, ranging from misspellings to missed capitalizations (when referring to the Force it is always the Force, not force).
Secondly, Show do not Tell is a major part of this activity. Telling us Ahsik used Slow or Rage will hurt your Story score, Showing us will improve it. Also, consider your levels of ability in relation to what you’re doing. Ahsik ‘dancing’ around while swinging his staff one-handed while concentrating on Slow at +2 was too much to be believable. Lastly, while I’m aware Ahsik has implanted rocks in his face to act as eyeballs, nothing is going to make them glow unless he’s using Illusion to make his opponent think they are.

"Was it true?" the Ongree thought to himself as he redirected his blade away from Ahsik and spun, abandoning his attack. His eyelids narrowed as his unique orbs rotated and scanned the threat. "Was he truly a threat or just a lost soul?" the thoughts raced through his mind. "Deep beneath the tortured surface is a glimmer of light. I see it.."

"Young one," Yuk, began. "Let us cease this bickering. I sense your anger, I urge you to let it go. Whatever fuels your hatred must be cast aside."

Ahsik's sick smile had an underlying softness about it. A glimpse of his true self perhaps?

"Your hatred will destroy you!" The Ongree continued, shouting into his opponent's troubled mind.

"Your words fall on deaf ears, Jedi," the Miraluka barked, spitting on the ground.

"I don't wish to fight you," Yuk replied, instantly interrupted by another tugging at his intuitive mind.

Just as the Ongree finished his phrase, via the Force, he could feel a creeping sensation crawl up his carapace. It persuaded him to instinctively leap away, allowing him to narrowly evade splintered bone as it cascaded by him. The fearful squawks of birds filled the darkened plane as the ground shook. A shriek rose above the chaos and bursting through a wall of skeletal remains was a Jungle Rancor. Quite large and obviously hungry.

Ahsik backpedaled and ducked as the beast's large hand swept overhead. He rolled upon hitting the ground and froze as he felt the other hand crashing down. His jaw fell open as the hand stiffened, all around it, the Force whirled and appeared to latch onto it. His shifted gaze fell upon the Ongree who stood with his arms outstretched and his eyes closed, concentrating in full. The Miraluka seized the moment and continued his roll and as he cleared the path of the hand, it crashed down next to him.

Dust burst into the air as Ahsik tried to flee but a single claw hooked his heel and slung him off to the side like a ragdoll. He crashed into a pile of bones with an 'oomf' but was physically fine, albeit jarred.

"Rally to me, Hunter!" The Jedi shouted in his native tongue. The Miraluka looked as if he were confused but subconsciously obeyed the order as he desperately clawed himself away and made it back to his feet. He called his staff to his grip and watched as the Ongree bound forward, his muscles filled with the Force. The verdure Lightsaber moaned as it fanned out and shrieked as it cauterized its way through a giant finger, separating it from the calloused hand.

The Rancor screamed in pain and out of its own rage, lashed out, its jaws wildly snapping as the back of its flailing hand snapped through decomposed remains. Ahsik roared as he propelled himself forward, he was fearless as he chambered his staff and swung it with as much force as he could muster. Aside from a horrendous cracking sound it did little to no damage against the Rancor's knee. However, it did provide a distraction. The creature growled once more and Yuk slid on his feet until he was staring into its beady eyes. Ahsik, wisely fell back.

The Warden allowed his vertical lids to shut as the Force anointed him. With precision, he hurled his Lightsaber at the creature and like a burning spear it stabbed into its flesh. The Rancor reared back and the Ongree flashed another hand, this time his left as he ignited his Patience and threw it too, then Serenity. The sabers melted through the beast as the Ongree controlled them and one by one they danced around the beast's core, slicing and stabbing until at last he found balance with Harmony. His weapons returned to his feet and one by one landed next to him on the ground.

Ahsik looked on, looking at the Ongree and the sabers the Jedi momentarily stepped away from. No doubt battling his own demons and the burden of choice.

Yuk, thumbed the switch on Harmony and a sanguine blade hissed to life. The Rancor struggled to remain standing as it toppled but caught itself.

"The Force is with me," the Ongree whispered, propelling himself forward. As one foot landed, the other followed, his steps guiding him into a lunge. As he stabbed into its neck, he ripped the blade vertically, slicing the head in two. The burning flesh had an orange glow as the guilt washed over him, a crashing wave of despair. "Rest, beast," he spoke, only to be cut off by the sound of a snap-hiss coming from behind him. He whirled around and haphazardly deflected the deceitful blow of the Hunter and with a masterful flurry removed Ahsik's arm at the shoulder. The Jedi called out to the Hilt in the now severed appendage and it trembled, obeying his call, springing free to nestle into his waiting palm. "Life is about choice, young one," lectured the Jedi as Warren writhed in an agony he was forced to feel everyday of his miserable existence. "I can free you," each Lightsaber rattled to his hands and each one found rest in his embrace as he clasped them back to his belt. "But you have to make the right choice," his hand reached out, calling one more into his mercy.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 December, 2019 3:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You certainly found the action here, though a majority of it isn’t between you and your opponent, so that’s a bit shaky. Well done in not having the rancor end either of you, as that would have been a deus ex issue and a MAJOR Story detractor.

Can Be Improved


The big one first. The sabers and the rancor. This was pretty solid writing of Telekintetic Combat, which unfortunately you don’t have yet. So this hurt you on Realism.
Secondly, you suffered from a little Show instead of Tell much like Ahsik, in the ‘masterful flurry’ bit where you took his arm off. That doesn’t show us how you did it, try to be more descriptive with your saber in the future.

And finally, while this post had some solid story building and helped on that front, it was brought down a bit by the ending. This felt unfinished. While Ahsik was no longer capable of fighting, so combat was ‘over’, it didn’t feel as if a resolution had been met. Even if Ahsik had spat in Yuk’s face one last time as he died of shock, there’d have been a finality behind it.

The vision that came to Yuk was of the Darksider dropping his staff and slamming all his energy into the ground in a devastating explosion. The Jedi had changed tactics and instead drew on his cane, as it was sent flying into the Miraluka that had just dropped his staff in his foreseen feint. thunk It cracked against the Sith's head, the impact caused his glass eyes to rattle in their sockets which caused blood to run forth from the scarred and torn flesh around his twisted eyes.

"Gaghh You skict-"

Yuk burst forward and swung his lightsaber overhead. His opponent tripped backward to avoid the strike, having landed hard on an elbow. Yuk did not wait however and thrust at Ahsik's heart. Although in an awkward position, Ahsik pushed off his bruised elbow and kicked out his left foot into Yuk's wrist, and followed through with his other foot striking hard into the Ongree's underarm. The Sith's pant was singed and blood was running from a wound in his thigh, his opponent was briefly knocked of wind. The plagueian raised his hand to push the Jedi back, who responded by allowing the force to take hold of him, and followed the flow of motion into a backflip.

"You persistant bastard. Why is a cheeky slontze like you even here?" Ahsik hissed between clenched teeth.

"The force had guided me here." Yuk said as he settled into another combat stance. Feet in line and body angled toward his opponent and his lightsaber held aloft in a single hand, the blade running along his body.

"The Force my hide! The Force will not guide someone to a place they have no place to be. You are not here to learn. You have been guided here to die by my hand and give me more power beyond even your measure." Ahsik recalled his staff as he had spoken, he swept it behind him and dropped his head down. The two slowly stepped to each other. each one analyzing the other. As they neared each one could catch glimpses of blood and malice. The eyes of the Ongree were hard set on the mottled eyes of the Miraluka. Blood ran from the eyes of one as the other darted back and forth about their stalks.

Crash-sszzt

The first exchange was faster than either would normally think, however fueled by the force each could face the other at such a swift speed.

Bzzst-shwosh-zzzt-zzzt

Bang

Fsssh-st

Their weapons went from being crossed to a swift counterswing. As Ahsik's staff caught the Ongree's lightsaber, the Jedi twisted his lighsaber about his wrist, driven by his elbow as he severed the Electrostaff in three even sections. The power and life of the weapon died instantly, and Ahsik let go as the Jedi prepared for a final thrust to the other's heart. Then a flash of light flew from Ahsik's wrist and grew into a net that wrapped around Yuk's torso and head. His hand followed the other's thrust as he pushed the blade aside by pressing on the Ongree's forearm.

Yuk had not skipped a beat as he kicked out the Sith's knee and deactivated his lightsaber.

Ahsik followed the dropping of his knee and rolled to Yuk's other side and stood up as Yuk began to shake off the net wrapped around him. Ahsik raised his wrist and fired a blaster shot into Yuk's exposed side and called a blanket of darkness over the both of them.

The Sith believed he was clever, however Yuk knew of what the darksider would attempt. And as Ahsik's muscles grew alongside the loss of his senses, Yuk calmly dropped the illusion of being caught, and simply raised his lightsaber hilt in a single hand with his eyes closed.

"Graaagh!" Ahsik's final cry as he ran head first into and unto Yuk's lightsaber hilt as-

Fwoosh

With that the darkness faded to reveal a Sith with a bloody tear stained face, clutching onto Yuk, even then he held a visage of hatred and senseless hatred. Yuk simply apologized, "Im sorry you became this twisted. I hope the force may guide you to some semblance of peace. Rest Darksider, its time for you to stop fighting."

Ahsik's only response had been gurgling as his lungs filled with blood, knees having given away as his torso slipped off of Yuk's blade. His soul joined with the stain of sorrow in that place as Yuk arose and began to head further toward wherever the force had guided him.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 December, 2019 3:37 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Again, plenty of action! You also had a clear resolution to the match, so well done there.

Can Be Improved


Again, get proofed. Secondly, again, continuity. Ahsik is suffering a leg wound near the start of this post but I can’t figure out how he got it (a bleeding wound, his opponent has been using a weapon that cauterizes).

Your second issue is near the end, where you write Ahsik running ‘headfirst into Yuk’s lightsaber hilt’ and then ending with the saber in your torso. Again, a weapon that doesn’t cause bleeding, but your lungs filled with blood. That was both continuity and realism.

Lastly, we come to something that I kept from your first post as well as occurring in this post. Farsight and Precognition. Precognition is warnings, feelings and intuitive responses. Farsight is visions of the future, but they aren’t immediate, as stated by the power.