Warlord Lucine Vasano vs. Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Warlord Lucine Vasano

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

I want to start off by saying that this was a really enjoyable and intense match to read. Thank you completely and participate in the SARLACC competition. Also, apologies for the lateness of this judgement, I swear my brain is a little fried after these last couple weeks. More from rl and work than DJB stuff, but I digress, let’s get to the judgement itself shall we?

Lucine, in light of a dangerous situation you still added quips of sarcasm and jokes. The imagery you used, along with the action was interesting and very cool. You had one minor Realism error that caught you up . Overwise super solid posts.

Aiden, the intense action and attention to detail really helped give your story the advantage. Although there were a few inconsistencies in Realism and a couple small Continuity errors, you still did an amazing job. I also wanted to hug Aiden back to life.

You both created an absolute great match; with awesome imagery, intense action, hilarious quips of sarcasm and banter, and that ending… damn. I legit mentally and almost out loud shouted “No, Aiden. Don’t die!” This turned out to be a really super close match.

However, there can only be one winner. Thank you both again for participating and completely such an awesome match, so wIthout further ado. Congrats Lucine on your win!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Lucine Vasano, Augur Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Warlord Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 26 January, 2021 4:51 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Syntax - 15%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: There were a few different Syntax errors, ranging from grammar to missing letters, and other small inconsistencies. Rationale: A few Syntax errors here and there.
Story - 40%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: The intenseness of the action and the unique modification that the creature was a great way to keep the reader on the edge of her seat. Rationale: I really liked how you started the story. Along with some of the tone and hilarious quips you put in throughout both of your posts.
Realism - 25%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A couple minor Realism detractors. Mainly dealing with Lucine’s Might is at +0, and then the overexersion of powers that was kinda ignored. See post comment for more details. Rationale: Minor Realism detractor. Aiden’s Terror power is used, but in the situation and with his substantial injuries, wouldn’t be able to immediately effort the creature. See post comments for more details.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: A couple very small Continuity errors that occurred in your last post. See the post for detailed comments. Rationale: No errors.
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.2 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.27
Posts

header

The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

It was days like today that Lucine Vasano was glad that she preferred to wear sensible boots while out on missions. It never failed that her work for the Clan would take her to a place that was inhospitable for the footwear of her choice.

This mission was certainly no exception. "The things I do to lead by example," she said with a sigh as she sloshed through the swampland that surrounded the Corrino Research Laboratory. Much of the area was submerged beneath several inches of brackish water that made it impossible to see the bottom. She felt the waterlogged muck sucking against her boots with every step, and was suddenly very glad that she had not worn heels.

"Is that why you insisted on coming along? Leading by example?" Aiden Lee Deshra asked as he waded a few feet ahead of her. His tone was distracted, as he was carefully observing for any signs of sudden drop-offs beneath the water.

"Of course, darling," Lucine replied. "The Headmistress seemed very keen for us to help, especially considering just how many of the Shadow Academy's artifacts went missing during the defense of the Nesolat Platform. If helping out here gets our clan into her good graces, then so be it. And of course, I would never ask anyone to do anything that I am unwilling to do."

“Hmm,” was Aiden’s only reply. The Proconsul had a habit of lapsing into silence whenever he was concentrating deeply, and now seemed to be one of those times.

Lucine fought the urge to roll her eyes. Aiden was not her first choice for Proconsul, but he was the most politically expedient one. He was well known for his adherence to balance, both with regard to the Force and in his own life. His appointment was intended to lull the more paranoid members of Arcona into a sense of safety, and give Lucine a little more room to accomplish her goals.

But that meant that she actually had to work with him. While they managed to muddle along with the professional relationship they had, Lucine wanted them to be able to function better as a team. Teaming up to defeat a dangerous foe seemed like an excellent way to improve their working relationship.

The first step was to actually find their foe. They wove their way between the gnarled grey trees that had managed to grow despite the waterlogged ground. The thick, moss-draped branches created a heavy canopy that obscured the sky and created murky greenish-black shadows that could hide dangerous predators.

Lucine and Aiden continued inland, making their way toward the lab. Gradually the pools of brackish water became smaller and smaller until it gave way to soggy land. Conversation between them was sparse, so much so that Lucine began to wonder how much value the mission was going to have in her efforts to gain some sort of rapport with Aiden.

Just as the thought was starting to occur to her, Aiden held up a hand to tell her to stop. His eyes were narrowed, focusing intently on something in front of them. Lucine scanned the thick undergrowth until she finally found what he was looking at.

It was a large quadruped with a large serrated beak which was red with blood. A mane of thick black feathers draped its neck and shoulders, while the rest of its body was covered in shorter grey ones. Each foot ended in long and wickedly sharp talons.

The mastiff phalone sensed them at the same time and whipped its head up to regard them with its small golden eyes. It opened its beak wide and hissed at them aggressively as it crouched over its prey, some sort of half-eaten furry mammal.

The mastiff phalone darted forward a few steps, lashing its head toward them as it screeched a challenge. Aiden drew himself up into a duelist’s stance, but the mastiff phalone’s threatening maneuver did not put it close enough to attack. Lucine, meanwhile, drew her blaster, took aim and fired a shot. She missed, and the blue rings of energy merely seared into the ground a few feet in front of the avian predator. It jerked back and hissed once again, before whipping around and disappearing into the undergrowth.

“Nice shooting,” Aiden said wryly as he relaxed his posture.

“Do not forget, darling, we need to take that creature alive,” Lucine retorted.

“I’m pretty sure that was just a strong suggestion,” Aiden said dryly. “After all, the Headmistress couldn’t even tell us how the mastiff phalones were modified.”

Lucine sighed and shook her head. She pulled her datapad from a pocket of her cloak and checked their position. “Well, I suppose we will find out soon enough. It appears we are getting close to its habitat.”

“Oh, great. Which means we’ll probably find the rest of its pack there.”

The redhead offered him a sweet smile. “Something to look forward to, I think. Shall we?”

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 16 February, 2021 11:23 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Awesome start to this match.You named the creature and started some good action. Can’t wait to see where this all goes. The details of the environment and the chosen creature really helped to bring the reader into the world with Lucine and Aiden.

Can Be Improved

A few small Syntax errors, a few missing punctuations, and the inconsistent capitalization of the word “Clan” in your post. Overwise a really good solid post.

... large serrated beak whichthat was red with blood.

Not docking you for this, but there was some confusion as to which word, “that” or “which”, worked best in the above sentence. Just something to look for in future matches.

Aiden could hardly hide his annoyance. It was bad enough that he was working to fix the Dark Councils' mistake with hunting down these beasts, but he also had to protect the Consul who pushed so hard to be on this assignment with him. It wasn't that he disliked the woman. Far from it, he had a level of respect for the diplomatically inclined leader of Arcona. But this was dangerous territory, and he'd rather not have his attention diverted to keeping her out of danger. In a fight, one's focus should be singular, one's mission the priority.

The Proconsul kept his eyes peeled and his sense attuned. There was no way of knowing what changes had been done to these avians. The last one had seemed far more violent and fast than others he'd dealt with in the past. As they were Arcona's top leadership, neither he nor Lucine could afford to die on this assignment; ergo, he would fight to stay alive first and capture these creatures second.

Soon enough, the remains of the lab were found. The durasteel walls were riddled with cracks and holes from the damage it had sustained. Aiden observed the tracks along the ground leading to a wall with a hole reasonably high up. Talon marks carved up the structure's side, roughly three meters, leading up to the opening.

"It looks like the creature went in there. Probably heading back to its habitat and flock." He said as he looked over the scenery.

"The creature is avian. It could make it up into that opening," Lucine regarded as she touched the scratched up siding. She looked relieved to finally be getting out of the swamplands. "Now, how do we get up there to follow?"

Aiden didn't speak. He pulled a black and silver curved hilt off of his belt and activated his lightsaber. With a screech, a silvery blade extended from the end of the emitter. He thrust the lightsaber into the wall, the plasmic heat of the saber melting through the durasteel like butter. He carved the blade upwards until it reached the hole broken into the wall. Moving to the opposite side of the opening, he did the same.

Disengaging his lightsaber, he motioned for Lucine to step back, and as he moved away from the structure, he reached out his organic hand and concentrated. The loud sound of screaming metal bombarded the air around them as the Force pulled at the durasteel. The metal bent backward, and slowly, the wall curved back like a drawbridge for the two the walk into the facility.

Lucine motioned for Aiden to lead the way, and as he did, they found themselves walking into an artificial habitat. Going from a swamp into a plains area with tall grass would've been a shock if they hadn't known that this facility was designed for this.

"I don't like this," Aiden said as they made their way into the grassland. "They could come at us from any angle in here. Perhaps we wait for them to come back out elsewhere?"

"You're not afraid, are you darling? And here I thought you were one of Arcona's elite fighters." Lucine playfully jabbed at her underling.

"Lucine, I am serious. We are sitting ducks in here."

After a few seconds, Lucine sighed and nodded her head. "Perhaps your right. This does seem to be a tad suicidal at this point. What's your plan then?"

"Well, we should…" Aiden didn't get a chance to finish his thought as a loud screech followed by a heavy force barreled into him. A mastiff had him knocked off his feet, and his flesh and bone arm was caught under its taloned paw. Aiden grabbed the creature's neck as it began snapping at his face, holding the phalone's head back. However, the beast was strong, and he wouldn't be able to hold it back for long.

Lucine pulled out her WESTAR 34 - blaster pistol and fired at the creature's hind legs, not wanting to kill it. The silent bolt hit its mark, causing the avian to yell out in pain as it backed off Aiden's downed form. Now that he was free, the man reached his hand out at the retreating beast pulling through the Force. The mastiff tried to run, but it began to float a bit off the ground. Its talons simply dug at the dirt.

"Now! Stun it!" the Proconsul shouted out at his superior.

Lucine switched her blaster to stun mode and took aim at the Force held phalone. She pulled the trigger and blue energy rings shot from the barrel. As they hit their target, the mastiff stopped moving, successfully knocked out.

"Well," Lucine started as she looked over to her partner. "That's one down and still alive, I might add."

"I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Vasano." Aiden's eyes were hard-pressed forward, looking into the long grass.

"Why not?" she asked, a hint of concern lacing her melodic voice.

"Because we're being hunted."

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 16 February, 2021 11:24 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Awesome work on continuing the story and getting some great creature interaction in. The last part really started to get intense and was paced really well.

Can Be Improved

A few Syntax errors; grammar, and missing dialogue punctuation. I would also double check where you need hyphens, there was one you needed and the other had extra spaces around it.

Lucine hastily turned in the direction that Aiden was looking, scanning for threats. Fortunately, there was no breeze in the enclosure. It allowed her to more easily see the areas where the grass parted as something close to the ground passed through it. “How many?” she murmured as she glanced again at the unconscious creature at her feet to make sure that it was truly subdued.

Aiden’s eyes narrowed in concentration as he shifted his focus to view their surroundings through his link with the Force. Ordinarily, it was as simple as breathing. But his arm throbbed with pain from where the mastiff phalone’s talons had cut into his flesh, making it more difficult to concentrate. Absently, he flexed and relaxed his hand as he increased his focus. “Five? No, six,” he said. “Including one behind—”

As if on cue, the avian creature that had circled around to cut off their escape stepped into view. It gave a low, clicking growl, its serrated beak held open in a threatening gesture as it stood in the middle of the opening Aiden had made.

“Charming. So this one,” Lucine lightly tapped the unconscious mastiff phalone, “was a distraction or an attempt to test our defenses. And that one,” she gestured toward the creature blocking their path, “is a second distraction allowing the others to get close. And there are three others in the grass surrounding us. Does that sum up our situation?” As she spoke, she holstered her blaster and unclipped her lightsaber from her belt.

“I’d say so,” Aiden replied through gritted teeth. He glanced down at his wounds and grimaced. “And it gets worse.”

“How could it possibly get worse?”

The Proconsul held up his hand. There were small cuts in his arm from when the mastiff phalone had pinned his arm to the ground, its talons cutting into his flesh. The skin around the cuts was an angry shade of red, and the blood vessels leading away from the wounds had taken on a deep grey color. “I believe they were modified to have poisoned claws.”

“Oh, lovely,” Lucine grumbled. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the shapes in the tall grass drawing steadily closer, closing the trap. Behind them, the mastiff phalone that was blocking their escape hissed and snapped at them, trying to push them further away from the entrance and closer to the grass.

Then, as if by some invisible signal, all of the mastiff phalones attacked at once. White and green lightsabers flared to life in tandem as both Force users fell into defensive positions. The first carnivore to reach them was the one that was blocking the exit. Aiden lashed out with a duelist’s strike, severing the beast’s head from its body. But the effort caused him to stumble as the poison coursed through his system. “This is going to be more challenging than I thought,” he panted, marveling at how hot he suddenly felt.

The Force screamed a warning at Lucine and she ducked out of the way, barely avoiding getting caught by the claws of a charging mastiff phalone. A second one struck moments later in what was clearly a coordinated attack. She whirled her lightsaber in a defensive maneuver, and the green plasma sliced neatly through the beast’s extended claw, severing it entirely.

Aiden and Lucine stood back to back as the carnivores circled them, hissing and snapping their wickedly sharp beaks at them. The pack tactics were on clear display. Multiple attacks from multiple directions would quickly bring them down if they did not finish this fight quickly.

“Well, darling, it seems that they are attacking us from all sides,” Lucine said.

“Told you so,” Aiden panted, trying to ignore the sweat dripping from his brow. “I have an idea. Can you keep them off me?”

“Of course, darling!” Lucine said, with more confidence than she actually felt. She drew upon her fear at the prospect of being killed on this miserable slimeball of a planet, and her anger, and her frustration, and all of the other negative emotions that fueled her. She focused all of that emotion into the palm of her hand, which she thrust out toward the creature she had just wounded and one other. It manifested into energy, tongues of green electricity that arced over the mastiff phalones, drawing shrieks of pain from the creatures.

The effect was immediate, for both parties. Both of the creatures dropped to the ground. Lucine, meanwhile, felt exhaustion immediately set in. But she forced her now sluggish limbs to move as she pivoted and lashed out with her lightsaber, thrusting the blade into the chest of the mastiff phalone that was leaping toward Aiden.

While she was doing this, her Proconsul had not been idle. The poison raging through his system made even regularly used powers difficult. It took nearly all of his concentration to draw upon the Force. His breath came to him in short gasps as he felt his power building until her could hold it no longer. With a cry, he released his power on the largest of the mastiff phalones.

It shrieked suddenly as a primal terror struck its bestial mind, and immediately turned and fled. The remaining mastiff phalone jumped back, avoiding Lucine’s attack as it turned to see it’s alpha flee. If followed with no hesitation, leaving the rest of the dead and injured of the pack behind.

“We did it!” Lucine cheered, though her jubilation was muted by her exhaustion. A heavy thud was her only reply. She turned to see the body of her Proconsul sprawled in the dirt. “Oh no! You are not allowed to die, I forbid it!”

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 16 February, 2021 11:24 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There is some really intense action going on in this post. I love it.

Aiden’s eyes narrowed in concentration as he shifted his focus to view their surroundings through his link with the Force. Ordinarily, it was as simple as breathing. But his arm throbbed with pain from where the mastiff phalone’s talons had cut into his flesh, making it more difficult to concentrate. Absently, he flexed and relaxed his hand as he increased his focus. “Five? No, six,” he said. “Including one behind—”

Great use of both your CS, especially Aidens’ Sense. You also remembered to factor that he was hurt and slightly exhausted. This is great.
I also like the color of your Force Lightning too, however I would be careful using color in lightning. Take a look at the link I included for reference in the future.

She turned to see the body of her Proconsul sprawled in the dirt. “Oh no! You are not allowed to die, I forbid it!”

Also this was seriously the feels. I mentally shouted “No Aiden!”

Can Be Improved

Only a couple Syntax errors, mainly with punctuation. One example below.

The remaining mastiff phalone jumped back, avoiding Lucine’s attack as it turned to see it s alpha flee.

One error was the ever pesky apostrophe in ‘its”. While you had “it’s” which means “it is”, you meant to say “its” which is possessive.

It took nearly all of his concentration to draw upon the Force. His breath came to him in short gasps as he felt his power building until he r could hold it no longer. With a cry, he released his power on the largest of the mastiff phalones. It shrieked suddenly as a primal terror struck its bestial mind, and immediately turned and fled.

Then, unfortunately there is a small Realism error that caught you up. While you remembered that Aiden is badly hurt due to the poison, his Terror is only at a +3. Which means even if he concentrated it all on one creature, it still would take a few to several seconds to actually affect the creature and for its fear to rise to the surface. It wouldn’t be immediate. Also the other remaining mastiff would not have immediately followed its alpha, it would stand for a bit and then run after. It’s pack mentality would be to protect the alpha’s escape first, and then follow after being called, or the alpha was far enough away.

Lucine moved to Aiden's side and rolled his body over. He was barely conscious, letting out weak, ragged breaths. The poison was seemingly fast-acting, something she was sure Rhylance would have appreciated working on. The thought of her lover brought her to Aiden's arm. She wasn't much of a doctor, but she'd been exposed to many of her Chiss's experimentations.

Ripping open the Proconsuls shirt, Lucine examined the claw marks. The skin around them bubbled from the poison.

"Rhylance, where are you when I need you?" she asked under her breath. Aiden was in too much pain to fully notice.

Placing her hands on his arm, Lucine called out to the Force. She channeled the energy into Aiden's wounds, hoping to stall the poison, even for a short time. Anything to give her Proconsul a better chance at survival. It wasn't a matter of caring for the man. She just didn't have the patience to train a new one.

Exhaustion began to wash over her. She could see the bubbling flesh settle, the wounds beginning to close. As her hands began to shake from overextending herself, she let go of the man's arm and exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding. Sweat dripped from her brow, a feeling she didn't gladly take upon herself.

Aiden's breath was less ragged. His chest rose mostly naturally, and he seemed to be in less pain. Lucine dropped to a sitting position. She wasn't sure she'd be able to stand without a rest. Using her abilities had left her in a state worse than she'd hoped. She brought her arm up and initiated a link with her wrist communication device.

"This is Consul Vasano, requesting immediate evacuation. Repeat, we need immediate evacuation."

There was no response on the other end. All she got back was static.

"Blast it!" She didn't like this. They were out in the open. Exposed. And the mastiffs could be back at any time. "Come on, Deshra, you have to get up. We're like sitting wamp rats out here."

Aiden weakly opened his eyes and tried to push himself up. The poison was obviously still in his system, even if weakened. Pushing himself up, Aiden grasped Lucine's hand, and she helped him to his feet. He wobbled slightly but took a few steps with her help.

"The job... it's not over yet." He wheezed.

"For us, I think it is darling. Neither one of us can do much as we are, and if we don't get out of here, you won't be around much longer."

"Heh…" Aiden chuckled slightly. "I didn't realize that you cared so much."

"Trust me, darling, if I thought I could run this clan without a Proconsul, I'd have left you back there and gotten myself out. Unfortunately, not everyone trusts me. And the ones that don't, well, they seem to trust you. As much as I hate to admit it, I need you." Lucine was not happy to make that admission. She looked as though she'd just swallowed soap, and her narrowed eyes betrayed her steady voice.

"Getting to hear you speak such lovely words... it's a perk of the job," Aiden replied sarcastically as he struggled to keep walking.

The two kept moving, stopping every few minutes to let Aiden catch his breath. Soon enough, they found the hole they had come through. Lucine tried again to call for help.

"This is Consul Vasano, Requesting immediate evacuation. Repeat, we need immediate evacuation. Can anyone hear me?"

"Lucine...can you... what's your position?"

The voice that came through was barely intelligible. There was interference on the comms, but she could make out part of the message. She used her wrist communicator to send out a message with her location on it. Her only hope was that the message would be received.

"Come on, Aiden, we're almost there."

Aiden took a few steps towards the opening before turning back to Lucine. As he did, his eyes went wide, and he pushed his hand out with all the strength that he had left. Lucine found herself knocked to the ground by an invisible push just as a phalone rushed past her and tackled Aiden out through the opening.

The second phalone jumped at her prone form, but the Consul pulled out her trusted dagger that was strapped to her leg. As the beast reached her, she thrust the blade into its chest and twisted. The phalone let out a pained wail before dropping prone onto the woman. Pushing against its body, Lucine crawled her way out from beneath it, blood covering her clothes.

"Oh crap, Aiden!"

Standing up and breathing heavily, she walked towards the opening. Looking through it, she saw the mastiff standing above Aidens prone, unmoving form. Its beak dripped with fresh blood. Lucine was angry, angrier than she'd been in a long time. Her teeth gritted as a near growl left her throat. The mastiff crouched, ready to charge. The Consul could feel the power in her fingers building. Electricity buzzed at their tips.

As the creature dashed forward, aiming to kill this last pest, Lucine threw her hands up, lightning bursting forth as her eyes blazed yellowish-orange. The mastiff shook in pain, screeching loudly as the electricity coursed throughout its body. The lightning lasted only a few seconds before dying at Lucine's fingers. The alpha phalone mastiff looked absolutely terrified by the attack, and though it shook from the residual charge within its body, it turned tail and ran into the swamplands.

Lucine collapsed to the ground, well and thoroughly drained. Her body rolled down the ramp-like bridge Aiden had created earlier until she came to a stop next to him. Through blurry eyes, she couldn't see if he was breathing or not, but the growing puddle of blood was not looking well for the Proconsul.

"Lucine, can you read me. We are almost at your position."

The only thing that she could think before passing out was that it was about time for them to get there. Darkness took her. When help finally arrived, they found her lying next to the lifeless corpse of Aiden Lee Deshra.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 16 February, 2021 11:25 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The imagery and action in this last post was phenomenal. Love every minute of it and definitely keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. Well, at least it did for me. The amount of detail in the environment, emotions, and visuals was great. Really immersive. Also I seriously am stunned that Aiden dies at the end. Feels!

Can Be Improved

A couple Syntax errors, a misplaced word, and spelling “womp” with an “a” instead of an “o”.

The second phalone jumped at her prone form, but the Consul pulled out her trusted dagger that was strapped to her leg. As the beast reached her, she thrust the blade into its chest and twisted. The phalone let out a pained wail before dropping prone onto the woman.

There is one minor Realism detractor though. Lucine’s Might is at +0, so her thrusting a dagger into a mastiff's chest without proper bracing wouldn’t have gone in as far as it did. It still would’ve done some damage, but probably not have killed it. Not quickly anyway. She also would have had a bit of difficulty crawling out from under the mastiff.

Pushing himself up, Aiden grasped Lucine's hand, and she helped him to his feet. He wobbled slightly but took a few steps with her help.

This is a bit of a Continuity error. It seems a bit unbelievable, since Lucine just used a major display of Force Lightning, then used a major amount of healing.

"The job... it's not over yet,." h He wheezed.

This is also a Continuity error. In your first post, Aiden was more focused on his and Lucine’s survival, than the mission. Here he’s now suddenly concerned with the mission, even though Aiden’s in pain from the poison. Thus, this contradicts what you said before.

Soon enough, they found the hole they had come through.

This was a little confusing, since they were practically standing near the entrance the entire time. The mastiffs weren’t able to push Aiden and Lucine any further into the habitat, so it seems a bit contradictory to what happened in the posts before.