Hunter Sinya Ani vs. Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Hunter Sinya Ani

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Shadow
vs.

Augur Aiden Lee Deshra

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC and the SARLACC competition and especially thank you for your patience with the judgment process.

Overall this match was tightly paced, engaging and enjoyable to read. You both should pat yourselves on the back. The posts also flowed together very smoothly from one author to another. Syntax-wise the posts were generally clean overall but there was a noticeable difference in the amount of errors Aiden had so Sinya gets the advantage in that category. There were no realism or continuity errors per se but there were some close calls that I would draw your attention to. For Sinya the close call was the pit scene where the staff had to examine the jumping-off an impaled spider thing. The lack of clarity in that passage ultimately went to story rather than as a realism error but do be careful in the future. Aiden's realism close call came from the flamethrower attack in the last post. It did not rise to the level of an error but you did brush off the injuries just a little too much.

Story, as it often is, became the deciding factor in this match. You both had tightly paced and action-packed posts. The scenery and use of the venue were also strong points across the board. As a reader, I certainly enjoyed the match as a whole and found myself wanting more which is a good thing. This isn't about word count as it is I felt there was room in the posts for some more action and plot development. In particular I would say to both of you that you need to be aware of how you balance the actions of both characters in your posts. Even if you focus on one character for perspective, every post should cover both characters taking action to address the conflict in relatively equal measure. It doesn't have to be purely 50/50 but there were noticeable disparities that I address in the post comments. Aiden gained advantage in story mainly off his ending and simply bringing more plot elements into the match. But I have to emphasize how close things were in the story dimension. Myself and a second judge struggled with awarding advantage in this case.

Overall, excellent work both of you and I look forward to more matches from you in the future. But there must be a winner and that is Aiden Lee Deshra

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Hunter Sinya Ani, Augur Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Augur Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Hunter Sinya Ani's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [SCENARIO] SARLACC 2021, Round 2: Arx Colosseum
Last Post 25 February, 2021 8:39 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: You had enough recurring issues and stray typos that it was starting to become a distraction. Rationale: Generally clean passages with only a few capitalization and comma errors.
Story - 40%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Your action and descriptive prose were strong throughout. Your ending in particular showed strong creativity both in the addition of the mecha-spider and the stylish finisher. Your ending suffered in how you handled Sinya both in not giving her enough to do and not concluding her part in the story. See my post and overall match comments for more details. Rationale: Overall you did an excellent job painting a vivid picture of the scene in the mind of the reader with the exception of the pit scene. You also did an excellent job pacing your posts, establishing dramatic tension and generally keeping your readers engaged. See my post and overall match comments for more details.
Realism - 25%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: The fire attack at the end was a bit of a close call but didn’t rise to the level of a realism error. Be wary in the future of how weapons like a flamethrower work and the kinds of injuries they would inflict. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.25 Nightsister Sinya Ani's Score: 4.12
Posts

colosseum

Arx’s Colosseum is a monument to the original Petranaki arena on Geonosis, the site where the Clone Wars began with an epic clash between Jedi and Sith. However, instead of confining itself to a decrepit ruin, the Colosseum stands as an example of what the Geonosian arena once was.

Walls tall enough to be unscalable for even the most practiced Force-user surround a theatre the size of a holoball field, floored with sandy soil. Above, rows of seats are packed together into sections for spectators to observe the carnage. The dignitaries who preside over the gladiator matches instead find themselves in an elongated platform “box”, with the large stone throne reserved for the most prestigious among them, flanked by smaller seats for their companions. Large holo-projection screens occupy each of the Colosseum’s walls, displaying images of the combat below streamed by the cam droids that circle the arena.

The arena floor itself is, naturally, more dangerous than it appears. A wide assortment of traps are concealed beneath the dirt and sand, including but not limited to: retractable fire-spewing nozzles, power coils firing bolts of lightning, electrified floor panels, deadfalls lined with spikes, and even obelisks that simply erupt from the ground. These traps are operated by sentient technicians in the Colosseum’s control room, well away from the fighting.

You and another member of the Brotherhood have been tasked by the Headmistress of the Shadow Academy with gathering research data on a wide variety of dangerous creatures. In addition to the normal raucous crowds, sophisticated scanning equipment has been set up around the Colosseum floor to monitor the creatures’ behavior and vital signs under a variety of circumstances—including combat and injury.

Your goal in this scenario is twofold: provoke the creatures and hold their attention for long enough that the Shadow Academy scanners can collect a wide variety of physiological data, and prevent the creatures from destroying the scanning equipment placed in the Colosseum by the Academy researchers. Once those tasks are complete, you will be free to leave the arena (if you can) and claim your reward.

The Headmistress would strongly prefer the creature be left alive and useful after the experiment is finished. She would also "prefer" that you not interfere with the research by attempting to rescue the creature, but you may do so at your own peril.

’Sand. Why does it always have to be sand?’ thought the short, athletic Twi’lek. The female Rylothian stood at the edge of a giant arena covered in the tiny, tan grit that plagued so many planets. While the blue skin of her bare feet felt the warm coarse granules between her toes, her nostrils took in the familiar, earthy scents of blood, sand and death. ”If these walls could talk…” she mused aloud. Her soft, honeyed voice breaking the silence. However, it wasn’t the unscalable bulwark enclosing the arena that spoke to her now.

“Are you sure you can handle this, little one?” a smooth, Coruscanti voice inquired. The tall, gaunt human, Augur Aiden Lee Deshra, was over a foot taller than Sinya’ni. His dark locks streaked with silver made him look older than he actually was. Sinya glanced over at him in his odd, black and silver robes. He seemed conflicted, like he was itching for battle but also not wanting to hurt the Wyyyschokk being prepped for the exhibition. In truth, he didn’t really want to be here. He preferred a straight fight instead of all these restrictions. He was less worried about hurting the arachnid than bungling the mission objectives.

“Of couse,” she lied, matching his accent. “The question is, are you?” she asked while adjusting her new Nightsister Armor. She was getting irritated by all its modifications. It didn’t move like she had expected. ’Koudaneke, I knew I should have tested it before wearing it into battle. Well, too late now.’ She had already ditched the boots, sleeves and head covering in the locker room in an attempt to make it less restrictive. ’At least the sand won’t get in.’

The Augur noticed her discomfort but simply nodded and strode out into the arena. The crowd cheered as he reached the center. Apparently people thought this was entertainment and had come out in droves to witness the battles. Aiden was not amused by this. As if avoiding killing these things wasn’t difficult enough, now he had the energy of the audience to fuel his blood lust. Since there was nothing he could do about that, he concentrated on keeping calm, centered, and in control.

The light blue Twi’lek followed her older escort to the center of the ring. “Hmm, looks like they want a show,” she stated before doing a pirouette and a curtsy to the crowd. “I hate audiences,” she grumbled quietly while smiling sweetly at the gathered mob.

“Just ignore them. Stay focused on the mission and you won’t even remember they are there,” the athletic human offered. “Remember the plan.” As Aiden watched the gate, he settled into a comfortable stance, body bladed towards the gate, feet just wider than shoulder width apart, right foot in front, knee bent, and weight shifted slightly forwards. His long sinuous arms held his deactivated lightsaber at high guard as he waited for the arachnid to arrive. The Rutian took a different approach. Moving laterally away from her partner, she took up a position to his left and did some stretches.

They didn’t have to wait long for the gate to screech open and a Wyyyschokk scurried out to greet them. The Twi’lek...froze. It was one thing to read about giant spiders, quite another to be faced with one. Maybe it was because she was closer, or maybe it could sense her shock, but the wyykshokk skittered towards the stunned Rylothian.

’Deep breath, breathe...1...2...3...4…’ a subconscious warning interrupted her thoughts, snapping her out of her shock and awakened her survival instincts. The giant spider launched a ranged attack. The small Rutian leapt into a forward roll. The unfamiliar armor slowed her down just a fraction of a heartbeat, but it was a fraction too much. The sticky web impacted her legs, pinning them together.

Aidan had not been phased by the vicious visage of the Shadowlands hunter. He immediately sprang into action, flanking the opponent just as the spider’s silk pinned his companion. With a familiar snap-hiss sound, the silver blade of his lightsaber materialized, poised to strike down on the creature’s back legs....That strike never came.

The Force, flowing through the experienced swordsman, spun him around. The bright, argent plasma batted away another viscid net. It’s parabolic path emanated from the shadowy passage that had produced their first adversary. Aiden faced the darkened corridor. “So, there are two….”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 March, 2021 5:24 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

’Deep breath, breathe...1...2...3...4…’ a subconscious warning interrupted her thoughts, snapping her out of her shock and awakened her survival instincts.

Your employment of descriptive language in this post was simply masterful. What makes it even more impressive is how you were able to craft vivid mental images while keeping things tightly paced. You made every word count and kept things moving which is a rather difficult balance to strike.


Can Be Improved

While your post was perfectly balanced in terms of introduction, scene-setting, and action, I did feel that you could have carried the action just a little bit further. You brought in the creature and had an introductory attack but you had some room to extend that opening combat a little with some back and forth to really emphasize the danger before dropping the “there’s two” plot bomb and transitioning to the next point. This is an extremely minor nitpick and not a story ding in any way but just something to consider for future matches.

How did it come to this? Aiden asked that of himself as he stood between two hunting wyyyschokk’s. Here he stood in an arena surrounded by cheering onlookers as he did the bidding of the Headmaster. He was put on display like a stage performer, fighting beasts for the amusement of others and he was not amused himself.

Aiden allowed the Force to control his actions, heeding its warning as the two giant spiders launched their web-like substances from their mouths. The Force Disciple found himself nearly entangled by the sticky enzymes, but he also realized that these spiders were focused on him, not on the Twi’lek on the ground. He didn’t really know this woman, this Sinya, but she was chosen to fight alongside him in this battle so he would ensure her safety if he was able to.

Sinya watched as the Human kept the attention of the wyyyschokk’s on him. He dodged and weaved through the creature’s webs with his full attention on the two beasts. With a look of experienced determination in his eyes, the man fought to keep their mission successful. And she laid on the ground, letting her fear of spiders get the better of her.

“Don’t be weak, Sinya,” she told herself. She needed to get up and get in this fight. The cyan-colored Twi’lek grabbed the vibrodagger from her boot and cut through the webbing that held her feet together. It was time to carry her own weight.

Placing the dagger back in her boot, Sinya took hold of her blaster and aimed. She let off a volley of shots in the direction of the wyyyschokk’s, knicking one of their legs. The creature let out a loud screech as it turned to face her. Aiden was surprised by the Twi’lek’s assist but kept his guard up against the remaining spider as it barreled towards him, mandibles snapping at him hungrily.

Sinya continued to carefully fire at the large spider, rolling out of the way of another web being spat in her direction. She still felt strong unease by the size of the arachnid, but she had to keep the show going as the audience watching her cheered. The Wyyyschokk swiped at her with its front legs, one of which knocked the blaster from her hands as the Rutian tried to keep out of its reach. She rolled away from another strike against her and pulled out her own armory lightsaber, activating the purple plasmic blade as she landed on her knees.

Aiden slashed his silver blade at the encroaching spider, trying to push the arachnid back. The wyyyschokk just kept coming through, not as scared of the lightsaber as it should have been. As it launched another web from its mouth, the Force Disciple once again jumped out of the way. As he did so, he grabbed his second lightsaber and turned it on, an amethyst shoto blade extending from the hilt.

“Let’s have some fun,” he said under his breath.

Aiden threw the shoto blade from his left hand. The lightsaber spun in an arc, gliding between the wyyyschokk’s legs, and severing one of the back limbs. The arachnid screech in hissing pain as it stumbled and backtracked away from the Arconan. The shoto blade spun in the air, returning to its master’s grip. Turning to move towards the other spider, he took two steps forward.

Click.

His foot had stepped on a pressure plate hidden beneath the sands of the arena. “Traps? They didn’t say anything about traps!.” he said to himself as he felt the ground shake. Aiden felt the Force’s warning too slowly as the ground beneath him gave way. The Force Disciple dropped, to the surprise and awe of the watching audience.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 March, 2021 5:25 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

One of the marks of a good ACC match is when the posts flow together such that you cannot tell where one author’s contribution ends and another begins. You certainly achieved that here in carrying forward from your opponent’s opening in terms of pacing, the depiction of Sinya, and the use of the venue. A particular strong point I wish to highlight is how you wove Sinya’s fear and internal thoughts into the action and Aiden’s reactions. You gave the reader a clear picture of not only the action but what both characters were experiencing without disrupting the flow of the scene in the slightest.


Can Be Improved

You had some recurring syntax issues regarding using a possessive when you intended a plural (“wyyyschokk’s” the possessive vs “wyyyschokks” the plural) and improper capitalization.

Sinya’ni watched as the human with whom she was partnered, disappeared into the floor. “Great, so now I have to fight both these monsters by myself?” she complained as she sidestepped the attacking dire insect and faded from view. The wyyyschokk looked around in vain for the annoying blue girl that spit fire, but she was nowhere to be seen.

Meanwhile, Aiden had felt the floor give way beneath him. With a sudden lurch, he was falling. Plummeting towards certain injury or death by the sharpened spikes lining the pit, it seemed like this battle was over for the veteran Arconan.

Whether from curiosity or the possibility of easy prey, the pair of wyyyschokk forgot about the hidden Twi’lek. They skittered towards the opening in the floor while the Rutian suddenly reappeared several meters away. “I hope he’s okay down there, cause he’s about to get some company,” she said as the huge holoprojections zoomed in on her. She planted her bare feet in the sand and closed her eyes in concentration.

The small blue Rylothian reached out with her senses and could feel the creature about ten meters in front of her. Stretching out her hands and pulling in energy from her surroundings, she drew her arms back to her sides and thrust them explosively towards the scurrying insectoid. The large invertebrate skidded across the sandy floor and toppled into the pit.

The human combatant was indeed okay, but not out of danger. As the floor had fallen out from under him, Aiden, with reflexes that only an experienced Force user could boast, dropped his shoto-saber and grabbed the edge of the floor with his now free hand. Using the momentum of his fall and aided by his connection to the living Force, he flipped through the air and stuck the dismount on a maintenance catwalk.

Just as he was considering how he was going to get back up to the arena, the answer literally fell out of the sky! A mess of flailing, chitinous legs tumbled through the ceiling and crashed hard on the spikes below. The tough exoskeleton was no match for the twin physics of gravity and pointy sticks. Aiden watched as hemolymph splattered over the walls, the raised walkway and himself.

The stoic warrior wiped the goo off his face with a clean section of his robe. “Well, looks like we aren’t getting any bonus points for this fight. Maybe we can still save the other one for science,” he said to himself before seizing the opportunity to escape the pit. He called on the mystical energy once again and boosted the power in his legs. Having jumped onto the dead creature’s thorax and using it as a platform for another impossible leap, he was soon back topside. Covered in ickor and down one saber, he was not excited about how the contest was going, but at least there was only one wyyyschokk left.

The crowd cheered as the unlikely team had the last monstrous carnivore surrounded. However, the fight was far from over. Just as the blue Twi’lek smiled at the return of her comrade, the game designers threw another unexpected twist into the match...

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 March, 2021 5:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Using the momentum of his fall and aided by his connection to the living Force, he flipped through the air and stuck the dismount on a maintenance catwalk.

Superhero landing!

As a reader I appreciated your efforts to create some dramatic tension through Aiden hitting the trap and Sinya trying to aide her comrade while avoiding becoming spider food. This made the post engaging and made me want to read more.


Can Be Improved

Having jumped onto the dead creature’s thorax and using it as a platform for another impossible leap, he was soon back topside.

I just have so many questions about this passage. This is a lot of risk as an author without a lot of reward. For example I found myself wondering how deep is this pit? Where is the maintenance catwalk in relation to the bottom of the pit? Wouldn't Aiden be in a better position to just simply jump from the catwalk? Also, wouldn't his bodyweight push the spider further down the spikes and risk impaling his leg? Those questions didn’t arise from me reading the passage with my judge hat on looking for realism errors; it was me as a reader trying to visualize what was going on. As an author, you often have to balance taking risks for the sake of creativity vs what you actually want to accomplish with the scene. In this case I think the scene played out in a somewhat confusing way that didn’t pay off creatively the way you likely intended which affects your story score.

The Human and the Twi’lek looked on as a large hole opened up in the middle of the arena. A large droid rose from the hole in the shape of a wyyyschokk. Its eight metallic arachnoid legs pierced the sandy ground as it stepped forward. The last remaining wyyyschokk backed away in fear before another hole opened beneath it, dropping into a cage below. It seemed that the shadow academy staff had finished their initial tests and now had a new one for them.

“What is this?” Sinya asked as she too backed away from the encroaching droid.

“Seems that the headmaster hasn’t been completely upfront with us.” Aiden was not happy with this turn of events. The Arconan held his lightsaber tightly and awaited the droids’ eventual attack.

As the droid stepped forward, it swiped a mechanical leg towards the Human Force Disciple, and he dodged the bladed end of it. The spider opened its mechanized mouth and a web shot out the opening at Sinya. She too moved to escape, and barely missed the bio-organic material. Aiden charged the mecha-wyyyschokk, carving through one of its eight legs. Oil spurted out of the severed limb and the droid blasted more webbing at him. His reflexes saved him from the sticky material.

Sinya took the opportunity to cut through another of the droid’s legs with her own lightsaber. She was covered in the black oil that spewed forth. The droid turned towards the Twi’lek and a small port opened on its side with a small barrel sticking out. A flame jetted out of the end of the barrel and lit the oil that had spurted out aflame. Sinya dropped to the sand and rolled, trying desperately to put out the flames that enveloped her left arm and side.

The sand helped to dampen and extinguish the flame before too much damage could be done to the Twi’lek. She had burns covering her cyan flesh and pain wracked her body. The droid approached, wobbling after losing two of its eight legs, and looked to put down the Plaguean Force Disciple with a bladed leg. As the leg came down it froze mid-air. Aiden stood behind the Droid, eyes hardened in full concentration, and both hands reaching out. He held the droid in place with his mind, the Force answering his every call.

“I’ve had it with this experiment. It’s over now.”

He clenched his fists together as the Force tightened around the wyyyschokk droid. The sound of metal ripping and pulling flooded the arena. Sparks shot out from the grooves in the droids metallic frame. Sweat dripped down Aiden’s face from the strain he put his mind through and the droid lifted into the air. He focused all the strength he had and threw the damaged mecha-wyyyschokk into the stands, flying towards where the Headmaster sat.

The crowd grew silent as Ciara stopped the droid mid-air, dropping it away from her. She sent a glare at the Arconan, and e simply glared right back. Her authority had been very publicly challenged by this Proconsul. Aiden simply turned away and picked up his injured comrade, carrying her out of the arena. Silence followed him as he left, no one daring to remark upon what just happened. This experimentation was over...for now.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 20 March, 2021 5:45 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The crowd grew silent as Ciara stopped the droid mid-air, dropping it away from her. She sent a glare at the Arconan, and e simply glared right back.

A good ACC ending is decisive and resolves the conflict. This certainly did that and did so with style. As a reader I love how Aiden is 100% done with this whole debacle.


Can Be Improved

He clenched his fists together as the Force tightened around the wyyyschokk droid. The sound of metal ripping and pulling flooded the arena. Sparks shot out from the grooves in the droids metallic frame.

So first, my reaction to the scene as a reader was “that’s cool” which is a good thing. You depicted the power use very well by Aiden having to struggle and concentrate to pull off this stylish finisher. As a matter of realism it caused some staff discussion between the ACC and the Voice. This scene is permissible as things currently stand but for the future be aware crushing may become a TK feat in a future content update from the Voice.

The sand helped to dampen and extinguish the flame before too much damage could be done to the Twi’lek.

One thing that hurt your ending is Sinya needed a little more to do generally and needed a bit of an epilogue herself. You should strive to balance the amount of action for both characters, even in a cooperative style match like this. I was left wondering what happened to her after the fire incident. Did she see what Aiden did and the staredown with the HM? Did she leave with him? Did she pass out from the pain? Those nagging questions hurt the satisfaction level of your ending.