GRD Tasha'Vel Versea vs. GRD Bentre Stahoes

Guardian Tasha'Vel Versea

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Twi'lek, Obelisk, Shadow
vs.

Guardian Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
Comment

Overall, this was a strong showing from both of you, especially when compared to your tenure within the ACC. I look forward to what is to come as you grow more comfortable with the mechanics present here and start to show your stuff!

You both understand your characters really well and how to write an interesting conflict. For you, Bentre, I must once again stress the importance of using a proof reader. I know that not everyone is fond of it, I personally took more than a year before I let anyone proof my writing. Still, sometimes you absolutely need another set of eyes to see what you can't.

Tasha'Vel, don't be afraid to take the lead in the story, even if you don't have first post. Sometimes, this can elevate the strength of your story above your opponents when the Judge is faced with an apparent tie in this category. Hook in the reader, and never let go.

I have to declare a winner, and today that is Bentre Stahoes. A close score, all things considered. Congratulations to you both.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants GRD Tasha'Vel Versea, GRD Bentre Stahoes
Winner GRD Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
GRD Tasha'Vel Versea's Character Snapshot Snapshot
GRD Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Central Library of Lyspair
Last Post 21 May, 2015 8:43 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Typos, missed words, and issues with tense are in both of your posts. Even the best of us use another to proof our posts, don't be afraid to utilize this. I've outlined what I caught in the comments. Rationale: Nothing of note to outline here.
Story - 40%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: You told an interesting story from start to finish, banking on the traits of the characters and incorporating them well on both sides. You also balanced humour into the serious tone of the battle at large, managing to squeeze in references to the world outside this venue in regards to your masters. Nicely done. Rationale: You wrote a solid story and incorporated the traits of both characters. I liked how you weren't afraid to spread the spotlight to the other patrons of the venue, however this alone wasn't enough to bump you up to a 5. Try to tell a story of your own, on top of the one being presented by your opponent, while seamlessly connecting them. Do that, which I know you can, and you'll get up to a 5.
Realism - 25%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One realism error in your Final Post, which I have outlined in the comments. Rationale: One realism error in your Final Post, which I have outlined in the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I took note of.
Adept Bentre Stahoes's Score: 4.45 Tasha'Vel Versea's Score: 4.35
Posts

The library was designed to look ancient. Old architecture. Cold, grey brick. High arches and a vaulted, domed ceiling. Wrought-iron sconces hang from the walls to provide light, flickering with real flames. It had all been crafted to hide the fact that the Academy was less than two decades old. The lower level is rectangular, twice as long as it is wide. The middle is filled with chairs and tables, where students study. On either side, large wooden bookshelves hold tomes of knowledge accessible to all members of the Brotherhood. In the center of the floor stands a monument to Jedgar Octavius Paladin, the founder of the first Shadow Academy.

By taking one of the two main staircases on the North and South sides of the library, one can access the second floor. The two sides of the upper level are connected by stone pathways, and the first floor was completely visible below. The upper level held fewer tomes, but contained more advanced knowledge. Often, it's used by students who required silence and introspection for their studies.

Despite the solemn purpose of the library, fights still break out between the students, who always seek to prove themselves against their peers. Punishment awaits those who damage the library, but rarely do instructors step in to stop the fights. Students usually watch in interest, or place bets on the combatants, glad for the show to break up the monotony of their studies

You know you will have to answer for your transgressions, but you can no longer contain the desire to fight. You listen to the whispers as the other students place bets, but you can also sense those who might ally with or against you. The Academy may be a place of neutrality, but it was hard to leave loyalty to your House at the door. You brush your thumb over your weapon, focusing on your opponent as tables clear around you. There is no turning back now…

Looking around the library, Bentre felt an immediate itch in his nose. It was always so musty in here. His gaze went from the shelves burdened by the full weight of aged tomes, to the desks where lesser students were engrossed into study, to the torches which cast a dull light, to rest finally on the statue of situated in the middle. He had to admit, despite his discomfort, that this place was really not all that bad.

That is when she caught his eye. The blue-skinned twi'lek was studiously examining the book before her, seemingly oblivious to the world around her. The human Obelisk could not help but smile. He had heard some word about Kiriyu having a twi'lek apprentice. He knew that Daedric did not care for the Epicanthix, so perhaps he could curry some favor by knocking down the Krath's apprentice. It was not the best of reasons, he knew in the back of his mind. He was just really spoiling for a fight.

“Hey,” he spoke the words just loudly enough to be heard over the noise of turning pages, coughs, and general ambience of the library. “Hey, aren't you Kiriyu's apprentice?” his forced his tone to sound as inquisitive as possible.

The female Guardian glanced up at her fellow Obelisk, “Who wants to know?” She clearly either did not recognize him, or she did not think him very impressive.

“I will take that as a yes,” Bentre continued on, unabashed. “Okay, see I have this one problem. I have to prove myself to my master. I am sure old Kiriyu would recognize his name, of course, but I don't know I could expect the same of you.” At these words he saw her eyes narrow. He was making her a little angry now, and it brought a slight smirk to his lips.

“Oh?” her response was short, but the single word carried the full weight of a warning tone.

“Oh yeah,” he chortled, “I figure that if I cut down another apprentice, I can elevate myself in old Daedric's eyes.” The human Guardian pulled his dependable old blaster out, pointing it and firing in one smooth motion.

Before the shot could make it's mark, however, his opponent was already on her feet, neatly sidestepping the shot. The blue-skinned Obelisk quickly closed the gap between them, driving her shoulder sharply into Bentre's gut. As he was doubled over in pain, she took her armory lightsaber in hand, and brought it to life with a snap-hiss. The crimson blade shone in her eyes, giving her a more sinister appearance.

“Ah,” the Corellian raised a finger, “So we are on to that part of the encounter?” he laughed in spite of himself. “I guess I may have lost the element of surprise.”

“Is that what you need?” Tasha's tone was even, with the slightest hint of challenge. “A cheap trick to win your battles for you?”

Hazel eyes met her green eyes, showing just a glance of the rage that the human felt. Without a thought, Bentre holstered his old SE-14, his hand going to his own armory lightsaber. “You think I need some cheap tricks to defeat the half-baked apprentice of some Krath?” His words echoed throughout the library. Now, every eye was turned upon the two Guardians. One of the students slipped some money on the table, and the human heard the twi'lek's name as a bet was made.

He ignited his lightsaber, his face twisting into a menacing grimace. “I will make you rue the day you decided to slight this son of Sadow!” He stepped forward slowly, holding his weapon before him. He was going to make sure this girl spent the next few weeks in medical.

Darth Renatus, 22 May, 2015 11:23 PM UTC

His gaze went from the shelves burdened by the full weight of aged tomes, to the desks where lesser students were engrossed into study, to the torches which cast a dull light, to rest finally on the statue of situated in the middle.

This is a bit of a run-on sentence. Try to watch out for these as they are a common pitfall for writers. Also, you are close to repeating the venue post. It is good to play on the picture painted in that first post, but be careful not to repeat or rewrite it.

Additionally, you wrote "the statue of situated in the middle". Missing a word here.

blue-skinned twi'lek

When referring to a being by their race, it becomes a proper noun and should be capitalized.

his forced his tone to sound as inquisitive as possible.

Should be "he forced his tone".

make it's mark

"It's" is a contraction of "It is", "Its" is the possessive.

slight this son of Sadow!”

Be wary of using phrases like this in the future. "Son of Sadow" is a title within Clan Naga Sadow and this could be misconstrued by others. Consider using "disciple of Sadow" instead. No points were docked, but I wanted to make sure you were aware.

Tasha stayed calm and quickly analyzed her opponent. He was slightly taller, seething with rage and already coming at her. Rushing low, Tasha let her saber slice upward and catch his azure blade mid blow. She parried it back and met each of his strikes as they came down. Bentre was furious.

“You are a pathetic worm head who is going to lose soon,” he taunted. Tasha caught sight of a bluish glow emanating from Bentre’s right hand, pivoted to the side and narrowly missed the small zap of energy that crackled from his now extended pointer finger.

“Tricks again I see,” she snorted distastefully while still circling Bentre around the wide room. As Tasha circled she noticed several students were still hanging about, watching the combat and betting on the action. Some had started to favor Bentre and were cheering him on. One of the librarians was even watching and shaking his head in disapproval, “Please finish this quickly and don’t damage my tomes!”

Bentre grabbed one of the textbooks from a nearby shelf and threw it at Tasha. Moving swiftly, Tasha dodged the flying textbook aimed at her head. When she looked back towards Bentre, he had vanished from sight. Damn it! She cursed inwardly and steadied herself. He’s here somewhere.

A sudden red blaster bolt struck Tasha in the right shoulder. It felt like fire radiating from her shoulder down her arm. Grimacing from the pain, she taunted Bentre.

“You are a coward to hide from me Bentre and you’re acting Krath-like. How noble.”

Another bolt came from somewhere to her left. Tasha's body seemed to move of its own accord, turning her whole body and bringing up her crimson blade to stop the attack. Her eyes darted across the room, but the male Obelisk was nowhere to seen. As she searched, a nervous tickle began from the back of her neck. Just then, her eyes caught a glimmer a few feet before her, which seem coalesced back into the form of Bentre, poised to strike out fiercely.

As his blue blade stabbed toward her, the female Guardian stepped sideways, planting a hand on the back of her attacker. This move clearly caught Bentre by surprise, causing him to retain momentum, crashing into the side of a table loudly.

“So brave,” she taunted coolly. Tasha was in no hurry to close the small gap between them, though. It seemed that the human was doing enough to hurt his chances of defeating her at this rate. If she was able to keep goading him, his own pride would rob him of his greatest asset against her. “You almost wouldn't believe you call yourself an Obelisk.” She watched as the words drove home, prompting the slightest of cringes from her opponent as he pulled himself to his feet.

“You think so, Beeogola Nechaska?” He found the once oft-used words coming from his mouth as he turned back, planting his feet before raising his weapon firmly, keeping his elbows closer to his body this time. Bentre shook his head slowly from side to side, studying the Twi'lek before him. She was toying with his emotion, he realized. He was better than to be twisted by these simple manipulations.

Moving forward and trying to keep his steps even, the human locked eyes with his smaller combatant. Her gaze bore through him, barely blinking as she danced back and forth slightly, clearly prepared for another angry assault. He knew from watching her reactions, and her well-practiced steps, that even if he managed to get in close, she would probably be almost as quick as he was. Her tattooed lekku seemed to taunt him as she shifted from foot to foot patiently. Drawing a deep breath, Bentre tried to draw from the wellsprings of strength both from within, and in the Force. He was going to need every edge he could muster if he was going to knock this girl down.

The male Guardian smiled at the twi'lek in mocking sweetness. Seeing a glance of uncomprehension in her gaze, he began stepping forward with such ferocious energy that his features seemed to blur with their speed. Tasha brought her weapon up in a rough block, meeting his strike evenly. The next attack came faster this time though, and she found herself stepping back with each successive attack. Then, Bentre took a step to the right, and Tasha juked to one side in anticipation of the next strike.

The human Obelisk smiled at this. Instead of swinging his lightsaber again, he stretched out unexpectantly, giving a sharp tug on her hanging lekku. Immediately, Tasha felt an excruciating pain come through her. “Is this brave enough for you?” Bentre smiled down at her as she winced, trying to force away the pain. Her reactions seemed to only further goad on the other Guardian though. He squeesed her Lekku a little harder, to send a cascade of pain through her body.

“Or do I need to do something a little more underhanded?” He raised an eyebrow, his face showing excitement suddenly. “With something like,” he deactivated his lightsaber, setting it aside as the smaller Obelisk squirmed for some semblance of relief from the trauma. His hand went to vibroknife, which he brought up in one smooth motion, driving the blade into the surrendering flesh of her brain tails. “This?” he said simply, his words unheard over her screams.

Despite the great pain she found herself in, Tasha fought to keep control of herself. Unless she did something to alleviate the pain, she was going to pass out. She would never hear the end of this from that kriffing proud human at this rate. She had to do something to shut him up. Looking through tear-blurred eyes, Tasha gritted her teeth. If she could release his grip, she could put him on the ground. That might serve to shut the eternal maw he called a mouth.

Summoning up every bit of will she could muster, Tasha tried to draw upon the Force, to strengthen her resolve. As her anger grew, she felt her muscles cease their shaking, and even as the pain tore through her, she was able to grit her teeth and stop the convulsions. She did not have long to act, but she was quickly running out of options. Luckily, she still managed to keep her lightsaber in a vice-like grip. Pulling the weapon up close to herself, the twi'lek felt the heat on her lekku as the weapon passed through Bentre's flesh almost effortlessly.

With a cry like a wounded animal, the human pulled back, bellowing something unintelligible. The pain did not increase, but her desperate gamble was so quick the muscles were still clenched upon her. Even as blood dripped from the bloody stump, Tasha felt her strength leaving her. The pain was becoming overwhelming, and in the middle of the library, she lost consciouness. Bentre would think twice the next time he saw here. Besides, there would be plenty of time to put him in his place later.

Darth Renatus, 22 May, 2015 11:21 PM UTC

was nowhere to seen

Missing a "be" here.

which seem coalesced back

You slipped into present tense, make sure you keep these consistent.

uncomprehension

Should be "incomprehension".

unexpectantly

Should be "unexpectedly".

giving a sharp tug on her hanging lekku. Immediately, Tasha felt an excruciating pain come through her.

This is a good use of the difference of races and knowledge of what could be applied in combat as a writer. Nice.

squeesed

Should be "squeezed".

Looking through tear-blurred eyes, Tasha gritted her teeth. If she could release his grip, she could put him on the ground. That might serve to shut the eternal maw he called a mouth.

I like this. Finding that blend of just enough humour to keep the story interesting for the reader without detracting from the tone you are trying to set. Try to leverage this more in your writing!

Even as blood dripped from the bloody stump, Tasha felt her strength leaving her.

Realism fault here. While Lightsabers aren't hot until they come into contact with an object, as laid out in the recent novels, it will still cauterize the wounds due to the instant heat on contact. There would be no blood. (Yes, the great Obi-wan Episode 4 debate)

consciouness

Typo, should be "consciousness".

he saw here

You probably meant "he saw her".

Bentre was pissed, however he did not rush out. Focusing on Tasha from the shadows, he aimed for Tasha’s side and fired. The hot laser shot erupted from his gun and sped rapidly towards his target. To his surprise, Tasha turned her entire body, used both her hands on the crimson blade and deflected the flying red plasma bolt.

“You cannot hide forever, Bentre.” She charged towards the blaster shot’s direction, whirling her blade in deadly fury, hoping to catch Bentre. Her eyes darted across the room looking for any sign of the human. Still, she couldn’t see him. He will show himself soon enough. Just as she turned to the right, Tasha saw what looked to be a faint form of the human striking out at her side. Her scarlet lightsaber crackled and hissed violently against Bentre’s blade as she blocked the blueish blade from hitting its target. Bentre shifted his foot, and quickly brought up his lightsaber just in time to block a curved blow from the left. Gazing at this azure Twi’lek, Bentre saw determination and rage in her emerald eyes. The more he stared at this Twi’lek, the more she seemed to be a picture of absolute terror: the red light from her blade, the zig-zag patterned lekku, and those hellish emerald eyes gave her a demonic stare that seemed to tear into his soul. He shook off the feeling.“I will bring her down and become the best.

“You are not so difficult to overcome, worm head.” Bentre called out as his right hand lit up with a bluish glow.Upon seeing his hand, Tasha stepped to the side and swung the blade at his extended hand as he tried to touch her side. Bentre yelled as the crimson lightsaber burned into his flesh, and sliced off the offending hand.

Bringing her blade up, she swung diagonally to cut a line across Bentre’s chest. Pained at the sudden loss of his hand, Bentre used his lightsaber to just barely block the antagonizing blow of her crimson blade. Arcing her blade to the side and upward, Tasha struck again at his chest. The blade hissed and burned through the feeble clothing. Bentre knew he had to somehow disengage from her, but Tasha was like a hurricane. Relentless and daunting, Tasha would stop at nothing till her opponent was down. As he attempted to back away, Tasha sent a hurtling kick straight into Bentre’s side making him groan in pain. The deadly blade came across again, and Bentre felt the red hot lancing pain of the red lightsaber burn into side. His side felt like a bantha had trampled over him. This new weakness made it difficult to stop the furious blows of Tasha’s deadly blade. Shifting his foot, Bentre tried to back away, but she caught up to him and charged. As she charged, Tasha twirled the crimson blade through the air before crashing it down upon Bentre’s body. Bentre attempted to block the oncoming blow, however just as he threw up his and blocked the strike, Tasha brought her head down,cracking his nose. A sickening crunch echoed through the library as Bentre began to black out. The force of the blow knocked him to the ground and before he had time to react her blade was at his throat.

Tasha’s menacing eyes glowed evilly as she pinned him to the floor. “If you hide from me, you pay the price. That price cost you a severed hand and your foolish pride. Maybe next time you will learn some respect, human.”

Bentre turned his head and spat blood. He knew that he had been bested and there was nothing he could really do to fight her back. The Twi’lek had made sure any move he tried would result in a mortal wound. Still he wanted to make a point to her, he wouldn’t just lay down and concede yet. Reaching up, he grabbed her trailing lekku and pulled hard. Tasha reeled in excruciating pain as she used her right hand, and punched Bentre in the face. All he could do now was just glare back at his opponent with pure hatred as he blacked out on the cold library floor.

Darth Renatus, 22 May, 2015 11:18 PM UTC

Can't really pinpoint a single segment to best demonstrate what I need to focus on here, since an entire paragraph is on the deck. You need to make sure you properly understand the Character Sheets that you both use. You write your own character as a whirlwind that Bentre can't withstand. However, you both have +2 Athletics and +2 Primary Saber Form. What this means is, that realistically and on even footing, you two are a match for each other. In fact, with his perception there is doubt cast on the effectiveness of you suddenly cutting off his hand, especially with Lightning Reflexes thrown in.